Edward Lorn's Blog, page 32

Marked in Ink Review

Usually the only time I can find tattooed chicks and coloring books in the same place is when my meds wear off and I am committed to the state psychiatric facility go on vacation to parts unknown. I don’t watch the reality show NY Ink, nor have I heard of America’s Worst Tattoos, so I have no idea who Megan Massacre is, other than her parents gave her a wicked sweet name, yo. I did watch one or two episodes of that one tattoo show with with that chick that banged Jesse James (the biker who cheated on Sandra Bullock, not the train robber) while wearing a Nazi helmet. What’s her name? Cat van Gonerrhea? Kitty von Chlamydia? Nazi vin Fuckstick?

(Great, now if my wife looks at my history, she’s going to see that I Googled “Chlomedia” because I didn’t know how to spell “Chlamydia.” Wonderfail…)

It’s no secret that I like to color. Well, I like to paint, and that’s really the same thing, innit? It is now, because I said so. Anyway, I like adding color to things that lack color. Like toilet water. But I wasn’t too thrilled with this one. Why? Well, I guess I’d have to say that, to me, the pictures were rather boring. I’ve flipped through dozens of adult coloring books and I think this is the most boring one I’ve come across. I don’t know if you have to be a fan of Megan Massacre to “get” these images, but I can’t see the draw of them.

I do, however, like the fact that the opposite side of each sheet is blank. So, if I ever do color any of these, which I doubt I will, I’d be able to rip it out and post it on the wall next to my Howard the Duck poster and my plaque for Bestest Cookbook Reviewer in All of Goodreads and Forever. But being able to tear out these pictures ends up being useless because I just don’t give enough of a fuck for the images to actually color them.

In summation: If you like Dia de la Muerta skulls and pixies and sharp objects, this is the coloring book for you. If you like reality shows about tattoo artists (NY Ink) and people who make bad decisions when choosing tattoos (America’s Worst Tattoos), you might dig coloring and ripping out these pages. But I can think of over a dozen coloring books with better designs, so this one only gets an “okay” from this reviewer.

By the way, thanks to Crown Publishing for the review copy. This one just wasn’t for me, kids.

Final Judgment: Not my style.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1453095/marked-in-ink-review

The Hungry Moon Review

Review:

This was my first experience with Ramsey Campbell and a buddy read with the ever-patient Thomas Strömquist. I came to the 80’s and 90’s English horror game late in life, somewhere in the ass-end of my twenties. While everyone was reading the Ramsey Campbells and the Brian Lumleys and the Clive Barkers, I was over here reading Richard Laymon, Bentley Little, and Dean Koontz, back when Koontz was considered a horror author because of such successes asPhantoms and Strangers. I think the only 80’s-90’s horror author I read in the 90s was Stephen Laws, and I remain a fan of his to this day, even though I don’t think he’s writing anymore. If that’s accurate information, that’s a real shame. Laws is/was terrific. Look him up.

The Hungry Moon does some things right and others things that are not necessarily wrong but whacky as fuck. I think the biggest disappointment I had while reading this was a significant lack of character development. If I’m to spend 300+ pages with a group of characters, I want to feel something for those characters. In this book, I couldn’t tell half of the characters apart, and those I could pinpoint upon seeing their names were very one dimensional. I can tell you with 100% certainty who Diana and Nick were, and Mrs. Scraggs and Godwin Mann, but everyone else was basically a toss off. We have the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker… I kid, but there is one character who is called the butcher throughout the book. The guy’s a literal butcher, as in a cutter of meat for the public, and he has a pretty good size role for a toss off, but he is only ever called the butcher. I love how the dude’s not worked in days and Campbell describes him as always smelling like old blood. Does anyone in this town shower after work?

Other than the character development, the writing is fantastic. It’s atmospheric as hell, too. Several times Campbell managed to give me goosebumps, which isn’t easy to do. The descriptions of scenes in the dark were nerve wracking and some of the best I’ve read in any genre, in any decade, period. (I wonder if this book was Tim Curran’s inspiration for Blackout.) Ramsey has some serious chops and is, in my personal opinion, easier on the eyes that Clive Barker’s bloated prosaic meanderings. Campbell seems to say twice as much with half the words as Barker. If I were to have to choose a novelist, English or otherwise, to compare Campbell to, I don’t think I could. No one comes to mind. I’ve never read anyone who writes quite like this guy. For that reason alone, I’ll be sampling more of his work.

The ending is a total and complete copout, though. Campbell takes the easy way out and just makes some shit up on the spot. I know what you’re thinking. This is fiction. Of course he made something up. But that’s not what I mean. The ending is very Stephen King. But we’ll discuss all that in the spoiler discussion, because the ending isn’t the only thing Campbell seems to borrow from King.

In summation: Whenever I set this book down, I was never drawn to pick it back up, but I wanted to know what happened, so I forced myself to. When I did jump back in, I could only read about 20-30 pages at a time. Not sure why. It wasn’t a difficult read, and I loved the writing style, but something was off. I chalk it up to me not having anyone in the book to care about. *shrugs*

Final Judgment: A well-written scary book about some faceless folks.

Spoiler Discussion: There are spoilers for some Stephen King books in here too.

[spoiler]

How many things did Campbell borrow from Stephen King? Lemme count the ways…

1. Shapeshifting spider creature. Even though IT is not a spider creature, only a shapeshifting creature stuck in the form of a spider, it’s still odd that another author would recreate the idea only a year after King’s book was published.

2. Dumbfuck psychic bullshit that comes out of nowhere. I think I go back to Under the Dome for this one, where a character is suddenly given a vision of where the bad thing came from and is suddenly psychically linked because reasons. I know King has done this a lot in his career, but that’s the most recent use of that bullshit that I can think of.

3. Main character just gets lucky in the end with how to kill the monster even though there no fucking reason for them to be doing what they are doing. Diana start chanting some shit because… well, because I don’t fucking know why. She just suddenly thinks it’s a good idea and starts belting something. We don’t know what because Campbell doesn’t tell us, even though he spent the majority of the book drafting entire songs word for word. (“Harry Mooney” anyone?) Why couldn’t he write something for Diana to sing? Fuck if I know.

One thing Campbell sure as shit didn’t borrow from King is the character development, but I guess he had to stop somewhere.

Thanks for joining me. If you would like to continue the Spoiler Discussion in the comments below, be a friend and use spoiler tags.

[/spoiler]

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1450794/the-hungry-moon-review

Cook Korean! Review

This was a great idea. All cookbooks should be comic books. Now if only this thing would lay flat so I didn’t have to keep propping it open!

I love Korean BBW.

I think you mean BBQ.

Yeah, well, that too. I also love knowing what all the cool kids are talking about when they call each other “bae” nowadays.

Huh? What do you mean?

“Bae” is Korean for Asian pear.

The more you know.

I dig Kimchi and these kimchi recipes are Asian pears. That didn’t sound right. Are we sure kids these days aren’t just dumb?

No. Not sure. I’ve heard “bae” is Dutch for poop, too, so that’s a thing.

So my choices are Asian pear or poop?

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Okay, back to the review.

Short ribs are good, son! And this book right here? This book RYCHEER! This book’ll tell you how to cook some them there short ribs, Cuz. Talking lip-smacking tallywhacker-tempting good short ribs. Don’t have all the fancy ingredients? Don’t worry. Robin Ha says some motherfuckers just use Coca-Cola for their marinade because who has time for soy sauce and ginger and other expensive shit. Just drain a 20 ounce Coke into a plastic bag, drop in your short ribs, and hang out with your Dutch poop or your Asian pears for like thirty minutes, then cook them bitches (the short ribs, not your “baes”, because this is cooking not cannibalism) and you got yourselves some goddamn motherfucking Korean BBQ, you sexy fucker!

But wait, ladies, there’s more!

Need a hot beef injection? Well there’s a recipe for Spicy Beef Soup in this piece! You only need like thirty-seven goddamn ingredients and four weeks vacation time to make it, but holy shit will it make your side dude have main-dude feelings. Also, this Spicy Beef Soup will make your asshole burn. Just warning you. We’re talking nuclear hell hole, got me? We’re talking lava butt, son. Kinda shit that’ll singe your leg hair.

So whataya do after you set your rectum on fire? You eat Cold Buckwheat Noodles, of course! But first you’re gonna need some Yengyeoja… holy fuck, did I spell that right the first time? I fucking did! YEA! Anyway, you’re gonna need some of that Yeng shit. It’s yellow wasabi paste. It’s like regular wasabi but yellower. You’re also gonna need a bae. No, like a real bae. One of them Asian pears, because we all know you’re gonna die alone. Then some rice wine vinegar and some other shit I can’t pronounce and you got yourself some fucking Cold Buckwheat Noodles®.

Finally, Robin Ha gives us some of her very own Korean Fusion recipes like Omelet Fried Rice and Spicy Chicken Tacos because who doesn’t love some hot cock!

In summation: Comic books are a unique way to learn how to cook anything. Korean food especially. If you have $20 and don’t mind a cookbook that won’t stay the fuck open when you’re trying to read the recipes, buy the fuck outta this book. Or don’t. Until next time, I’ll be slurping on some buckwheat noodles dipped in Yengyeoja. Ha! I spelled it right again!

Final Judgment: A hundred different ways to make your rectum burn.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1448140/cook-korean-review

Real YouTube Comments #5

Found on a video entitled “Mind blowing Female Guitarists SHREDDING!~ Best in the world 2”

 

“Some decent guitar playing but a guitar is a phallic instrument and is akin to grabbing your cock to piss. Women just don’t get it. They may like to play with it, but just don’t understand it from a primal sense.”

 

No alterations were made to this YouTube comment.

 

 

 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1446698/real-youtube-comments-5

UPDATES FOR MY READERS

I know it’s been three years since my last full-length standalone novel (LIFE AFTER DANE in July of 2013), and all you’ve seen from me since then have been short stories, collections, and the CRUELTY serial, but that will be changing soon.

 

I have three novels completed (one of them is massive; over 500 pages long), two of which have been submitted to publishers. No telling when I will hear back from either publisher. To add to that, I have two more novels in progress. Needless to say, I have been, and am staying, busy.

 

There’s two short stories on the horizon. You’ll be able to read one of them this September in the upcoming anthology Bad Apples 3, and then, this winter, the final tale in my War on Christmas series. That story, as well as the first two War on Christmas shorts, will be up for free the week leading up to Christmas, as they have been and will be every year. On top of all of that, I just sold a short story to Darkfuse Magazine. If you’re a subscriber, you can read “What’s Eating You?” HERE

 

Lastly, I have two novellas done and three more in various stages of completion. If I can’t find a home for the first two novellas before December, I’ll throw them all together and publish a novella collection next year.

 

I’m damn proud of all the new material. Lots of good stuff on the way. I love you guys. 

 

E.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1445644/updates-for-my-readers

Hex Audiobook Review

According to my Audible app, I’ve listened to 127 audiobooks. You might say, I dig audiobooks. I listen to at least one a week. Which makes me feel that I can say, with the utmost honesty and accuracy, that Hex, written by Thomas Olde Heuvelt and narrated by Jeff Harding, is the worst audiobook I’ve ever had the displeasure of listening to.

The story isn’t half bad. Just the opposite. It’s half good. The plot and pacing and horror is really effective once you get past the halfway mark. But that narration… Holy shit on a piss-soaked cracker, Fatman, that narration is horrible.

The book itself starts out by lulling the reader into a false sense of security and joviality. Goofy shit goes down and everyone’s having a good time. Then the author steers us into more serious territory and the dread builds. The tension mounts. And then everything explodes in the final chapters. Seriously, the end of this book is nuts. If for no other reason, you should read Hex for the ending.

Which makes Jeff Hardy’s shitty narration all the more unforgivable. I don’t know who approved the final product, but they need a swift kick in the genitals. What the fuck were they thinking? Some of the characters actually sound like 1950’s cartoon villains. Take for instance Grizelda (sorry, not sure on the spelling because I don’t have the text version). She sounded like a witch from one of those old Halloween spooky sounds cassettes we used to listen to as kids. You know the kind. The fucking tape was orange with black writing on it. You’d shove it in your dual-deck boom box and press play and sit in the dark to the tune of wind blowing and wolves howling and coffins creaking and witches cackling. ‘Member? Yeah, you ‘member. That was what Grizelda sounded like in this book. And Grizelda isn’t even the fucking witch! The witch’s name is Katherine (again, not sure on the spelling).

I dug the theme of the entire book. But telling you why is a spoiler, so I’ll see you in the Spoiler Discussion.

In summation: I wish I had read this one instead of listening to it. I probably would have given it four stars. Instead, I’m putting it firmly behind three stars. One day, when the price of the Kindle edition drops below what amounts to a month’s rent, I might reread it. But, for now, all I can review is the audiobook. And the audiobook is hot garbage dipped in dirty kitty litter.

Final Judgment: I’ve heard better produced EVP recordings on Ghost Hunters International.

Spoiler Discussion:

[spoiler]

The theme of the witch not being the bad guy but the townsfolk being the villains was well done. Dug the hell out of that. That whole scene where the boys are punished was fucking brutal.

The final few pages were all very Pet Sematary, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

The chaos and gore and all-around epic nature of the ending was mind-blowing. I would love to see all that committed to film. Give this book to James Wan or some equally talented director, like Darren Lynn Bousman, and let’s get this shit on tape. One of the best endings in a horror novel I’ve come across.

The scene where they hear the dog yowling freaked me out. It’s bad enough that the dog died the way it did, but I’m kinda glad it died, if only because we got the scene we got afterward. Righteously scary.

The buildup to Katherine getting the stitches over her eyes cut was so well done. Very impressed with the mounting dread. And the payoff was perfect.

If you want to join in on the Spoiler Discussion, please use spoiler tags. Thanks for joining me!

[/spoiler]

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1441717/hex-audiobook-review

I’m on Patreon

I’ve had friends, fans, and followers ask about helping me out monetarily in between book releases, or to help fund future books, so I’ve created a Patreon page. This isn’t for donations. You get rewards at certain price points, which start at $1 and go up to $20. It’s been awhile since my last major release and funds are tight. If you’d like to help, click on the link below. 

 

Right now I’m working on getting my novel FAIRY LIGHTS hammered into shape and could use help with paying for final proofreading. To be completely transparent, I can afford this by myself, but not until the beginning of next year. If you’d like a new Lorn novel before next summer, this is how you can help make that possible. 

 

You may share this post, if you’re so inclined. Thanks for your past, present, and future support.

 

Edward Lorn on Patreon

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1441050/i-m-on-patreon

Taboogasm Review

Review:

Disclaimer: Gregor Xane is a good friend of mine. We speak daily. I also helped to design the layout of the cover for the hardcover edition and did the font work on the Kindle and paperback covers, although the artwork is all Mike Tenebrae’s fault. And before you brush this review off as a biased review from a friend, I am overly critical of the people I surround myself with. I don’t kiss anyone’s ass and I sure as shit am not going to help promote someone I don’t think deserves it. Gregor is one of the good ones. Probably the best indie author working right now. That is my honest opinion.

Now for a little goofiness.

My buddy Gregor knows his way around weird. He’s spent a significant amount of time honing his craft and perfecting the art of explaining the unexplainable. While he is my friend, I look forward to his newest work like I do the works of Stephen King and Rachel Ray and John from the now disbanded band John and Kate Plus Eight. And, once you’ve completed Taboogasm, I’m sure you’ll become a dedicated Xanist, as well. But first, a history lesson.

My purely-platonic-yet-erotic man-crush on Gregor Xane started when I read his debut, Six Dead Spots, and gave it a critical review. Gregor contacted my eliteness soon after to express how much he wanted to massage my manly bits. I responded by telling him I was married but we could totally cyber sex like it was 1999 as long as he agreed not to tell my wife about our late-night, virtual saber-clashing sessions. Between rugged hammering of each other’s tent stakes, Gregor asked me to do a proofread of another piece of classy literature entitled The Hanover Block. I fangirled all over that thing until it became stiffer than a pair of old sweat socks baked in a kiln. Since then Gregor’s sexy ass has taken me from mound pounding to goat loving to puppet shows to cattle farming, until finally we stopped here at Taboogasm.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Who the fuck is Edward Lorn and why should I care what he thinks?” I have no answer to that question. But what I do know is that Gregor Xane should be a household name by now. It is an affront to Tom Cruise’s good name that Gregor Xane is not on the tip of your tongue every morning and the last thing in your mouth before you kiss your significant other goodnight in the evening. And Taboogasm is a damn good reason as to why that should be the case. This man has proven he can write anything and write it well. But what I find most impressive about Gregor’s writing is the fact that he can make the craziest shit so damn real and enthralling. Because, in the hands of a lesser author, his premises would not be taken seriously. It is a testament to Gregor’s writing chops that I was able to suspend my disbelief while reading the story you are about to experience. For fuckery is afoot, and you’re about to have one helluva freaky ride.

In summation: Taboogasm is a must read for many reasons, but the simplest reason is the best one. You have never and will never read anything like it. Come for the experience. Stay for the fantastic writing.

Final Judgment: Men’s Adventure with a Xanist twist.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1440595/taboogasm-review

The Reapers are the Angels Review

Review:

 
I’ve debated back and forth on whether or not to post a review for this book because I have nothing new to add to the conversation. But that got me thinking. What is a conversation other than the sharing of opinions and ideas? So what if a book has umpteen million reviews. So what if none of my friends might be interested in it or have already read it. To even think I hold sway over what anyone else reads stinks of narcissism, and, while I am the sexiest, smartest, and most-loved reviewer on this site, I don’t have much of an ego. Egos are for authors and authors are assholes. Anyway, moving on…

Me thinks Alden Bell is a gamer. Specifically a fan of survival horror games like Resident Evil, Dead Island, and Left 4 Dead. Why? Well that would be a spoiler and I don’t do spoilers. I mean, I do, but not here. I’ll see you in the Spoiler Discussion. *smooches*

Temple was the best part of the book for me. Her nonchalant attitude toward doing what needed to be done was hella fun to read. Her calling Maury “Dummy” might upset some sensitive types, but I thought it was a perfect example of world building through character interaction, which is how world building should be done. Think about it. In a world of zomb-zombs and… and other things, political correctness would be left on the back burner or forgotten completely. Who gives a fuck about being triggered when you’re trying not to get eaten? Priorities, yo. We even get a mention of racial purity, because it wouldn’t be a book about the American southeast without a healthy dose of White Lives Matter (Most). I think the author hit the nose on the head (that’s not how that saying goes, is it?) with his depiction of a post-apocalyptic Alabama. I currently live in Bama (ROLL EAGLE!), and I must say, we’re almost there. If a certain someone wins the election in November, we’ll have to move The Reapers are the Angelsover to nonfiction.

(I love that either side can argue that I mean Clinton or Trump because both sides believe the other side’s candidate will bring on the apocalypse. This election year really does feel like we’re choosing which way we want to see America burn: hellfire or nuclear strike)

I found this book while reading an article online about the most underrated horror novels. I’d read all the others on the list and dug each of them, so I tried this one. I’m glad I did. And, no, I don’t remember where the list was posted, nor do I recall what the other books were. I know. I suck. My apologies.

In summation: This is an above-average zombie book. The writing is fantastic. But that can be a bad thing if you have a weak constitution. Because Alden Bell will make you smell and taste things you don’t want to smell and taste.

Final Judgment: Redneck zom-zoms best waifu.

Spoiler Discussion:

[spoiler]

I liked that Temple died. I dig it when authors have the testicles or ovaries necessary to kill their leads. Rock on.

The giant rednecks were fucking rad. Right out of games like the ones I mentioned in the review. Like Brutes or Thugs. I honestly want to know if Bell is a gamer, because this entire novel felt like a literary video game.

The sex scene was a bit awkward for me to read. But only because I’m a father of a soon-to-be-teenage girl and I don’t like imagining fifteen-year-old girls riding dick. Just my personal preference.

Thanks for joining me. If you would like to join in on the Spoiler Discussion, please be polite and use spoiler tags. Danke.

[/spoiler]

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1438558/the-reapers-are-the-angels-review

Punderdome Game Review

 

Five stars. Big fun.

Love this game. I have not played Cards Against Humanity so I cannot compare, but I do know that I really enjoyed this. You can keep it clean and family friendly or go balls out dirty. Your choice. As long as you can read, you can play the game. Highly recommended.

Many thanks to Crown Publishing for the opportunity to review this game, which I received in return for this review.