Edward Lorn's Blog, page 34
July 7, 2016
Caught Review
Review: 
I usually cannot stand books with characters who’re idiots or plots that rely on those characters being idiots, but this one wasn’t so bad. In fact, I had a damn good time. I’ve met single-cell organisms with more going on upstairs than reporter and all around doofus Wendy, but Harlan Coben made her extremely easy to read about. There’s no way she could’ve put any of the ending together by herself, but the journey was twisty enough that it kept my attention.
Oh, and I know Coben has a long-running series, but it was refreshing to read a thriller that wasn’t part of a fucking series.
I made several updates while reading this book. I said I knew who Chynna was. I was wrong. I said I knew everything about Dan Mercer. I was, again, very wrong. In fact, the only thing I was right about what the level of stupidity of the characters. The plot was convoluted, but not in a bad way. I had to suspend my disbelief once or twice (more on that in the Spoiler Discussion), but what story doesn’t call for a bit of suspension?
In summation: No reason you won’t enjoy reading this one. If nothing else, it’s a fine way to blow a dozen hours, that is, if you’re slow reader like me. Someone like Shelbs or Kellswould likely read this in an hour or so.
Final Judgment: Stupid is as stupid does, but, here, stupid is sure fun to watch.
Spoiler Discussion: Wherein I spoil Caught, by Harlan Coben.
[spoiler]
So I am to believe that after this girl died of alcohol poisoning in Jenna’s house that Jenna kept the girl’s cell phone? She went through all that trouble to bury the body way out in the middle of nowhere, but she held onto a cell phone, which she later used to frame her ex-husband. Mind you, she had no idea she would ever need the cell phone. It was just a great coincidence that the need for it arose… Riiiiiiiiiiiight…
Who the fuck hears “hunt” and “college students” and doesn’t automatically think SCAVENGER HUNT! Fuck off. Wendy’s bumbling ass couldn’t figure that out? Come on. This lady was oblivious throughout the entire book, and I’m supposed to believe she figured everything out in the end? Nope. Not buying it.
All that white rapper nonsense was awkward. I know Harlan Coben meant for it to be awkward, but there’s no way this Ten-A-Fly guy had any fans with those lyrics. He was worse than Jamie Kennedy’s character in Malibu’s Most Wanted.
Thanks for joining me.
[/spoiler]
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1432511/caught-review
July 3, 2016
The Shining Girls Review
Review:
First, we’ll address the 800-pound gorilla in the room.
“How you doin’, Mr. Bananas?”
“Doing fine, E. How’s the family?”
“They’re well. Autumn’s growing up too quick and Chris… well, Chris is a dude. You know how dudes are.”
“I do, I do. So what is it that I can help you with, E.?”
“Oh, nothing. Just wanted to address you.”
“Oh. Well you should know that this is a terrible joke and, if people laugh, they’ll be laughing at you, not with you.”
“I know.”
“Good. Just wanted to make that clear. Say, do you have any bananas?”
“I’m sorry, I do not.”
“Then what fucking good are you to me? Piss off.”
Now that Mr. Bananas is gone, I should probably address the problems you might have with Lauren Beukes’s The Shining Girls. If you do not read chapter titles, you will soon Amelia Earhart your way into history. I do not like chapter titles. All too often, authors ruin their own books by putting spoilers in their chapter headings. It’s a huge pet peeve of mine, so when I come across a book with chapter titles, I skip them. I feel this way: the important information should be worked into the actual chapters and not lazily dropped into the chapter headings. Lauren Beukes not only uses chapter titles in lazy ways, but if you miss whose head and the time you’re in, the book becomes a mess very quickly. More than twice I had to flip backward to make sure I knew who I was with and where in time we were. I shouldn’t have to do that, Lauren. Shame on you.
Other than that, this book is great. The plot isn’t the most original (serial killer bouncing through time ala Sherlock Holmes vs Jack the Ripper in that one old movie), but Beukes does manage to make what happens interesting. I think where Beukes shines (get it? DID YOU GET MY PUN????) is character development. She goes into deep detail concerning the smallest character. Most importantly, she made me care, or at the very least understand, the red shirts in this book. Every corpse had a pulse at one point in time, and I dig that she paid so much attention to their history.
Once I managed to get a feel for the flow of the story, I enjoyed myself. Are their problems? Sure. Several of them. But I didn’t notice until after I finished reading. But the best part of this book is Beukes writing. It’s smooth and seemingly effortless. I blew through 50-100 pages a sitting because, once I started reading, I couldn’t put the book down.
In summation: Not everyone will like Beukes because she forces you to pay attention. If you skip chapter headings, you will be super fucking confused. If you don’t like a huge cast of characters, you’ll likely not like this, because every third chapter or so is from a brand new person’s POV. She gets into the heads of every victim, so expect to learn some of everything about everybody. I didn’t mind. In fact, the big cast was one of my favorite parts.
Final Judgment: Pay attention for full payoff.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1430857/the-shining-girls-review
June 30, 2016
Whispers Review
Review:
Koontz-Alert Checklist (Every Dean Koontz book has at least one of the following ten eleven things.)
1. Blond lead/love interest – Yes
2. Dog(s) – Nope
3. Government conspiracy – Nope
4. Aliens – Nope
5. Serial Killer – Yup (Koontz’s staple super-handsome, well-built egomaniacal maniac)
6. Bougainvillea plant – Nope
7. Sodium-vapor streetlight – Kinda (Mercury-vapor this time)
8. Precocious child – Nope
9. Town gone crazy – Nope
10. Psychic(s) – Nope (But there was a mention of second sight)
and introducing the newest Koontz Alert…
11. Incest – Yup.
I’d forgotten how prevalent incest is in Koontz books. Whether it be rape or consensual, incestual sex is a theme throughout Koontz’s career. I know he had a traumatic childhood (horribly violent mother), but I am unsure if he was molested. It’s none of my business either. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was an incest survivor, though.
As for the book itself, I did not hate it. It’s not one of my favorites, though, due to all the sex. This one is quite porny, with our MCs clocking in at two and a half sex scenes. And the murders are boring in the sense that I’ve seen it all before. But it’s not a bad book. Classic silly-ass Koontz dialogue made for a cringeworthy conversation or two. But the plot kept me guessing all the way to the end, which contained some truly flesh-crawling scenes. Yuck. Ew. I need fourteen showers.
Of course, this is a Black/Neon era Koontz book, so it was bound to be, at the very least, readable. But I enjoyed it more than I thought possible, considering the concept.
In summation: One of the better early Koontz novels, but you can’t really go wrong with the Koontz books with Black/Neon covers, so I don’t know why I expected to dislike it. I’ll blame Delee, who I buddy read this one with. She said she remembered it being bad, so yeah, I’ll blame her.[image error]
Final Judgment: Quaking with disgust.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1429200/whispers-review
June 27, 2016
Surprise New Release! WORD, by E. Lorn.
SURPRISE!
THIS IS NOT A REVIEW. IT IS A NOTICE OF RELEASE AND SALE PRICE
So this is a thing that exists now. My newest collection,WORD, (this one is literary and not horror) is available this week only for $0.99 on Amazon.com:https://www.amazon.com/Word-Collectio…
If you’re interested in a signed copy of the paperback, they’re $25 with free shipping to the US. You can pre-order one here: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr…
Pre-orders will only be available until July 1,2016. Paperback ships on August 18, 2016.
Thank you for your support.
E.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1427836/surprise-new-release-word-by-e-lorn
June 22, 2016
UPDATE for WORD Preorders
The proof of WORD came in today and I am thrilled with the final product. For those of you who ordered a copy, here’s a glimpse at what you’re getting.
Signed copies are still available for preorder until July 1, 2016 HERE. $25 w/free shipping to the US. Book ships August 18, 2016.
Testing #4 (sorry about all the posts…)
I’m sorry I’m blowing up followers’ emails with posts, but for some reason the preview on WP is broken. It shows up just fine until I hit publish and then it disappears. Be patient with me…
Books of Blood: Volume One Review
Review:
I am not a fan of Clive Barker the Novelist . I’ll read his novels from time to time, but I try to stay away from his fan’s favorites. His books are some of the most overwritten literature I’ve stumbled upon. But the readers who enjoy him seem to like that aspect of his work. He reminds me of a present day Lovecraft without all the fish people, squid-faced gods, and bigotry. Meaning, I like the idea of Barker’s work more than the execution. That being said, I am a fan of Clive Barker the Short Story Author. He does big ideas and subtle horrors in small packages very well. This collection is a perfect example of that. Is it any wonder that the movies of his that have worked have been based on his short fiction and novellas instead of his novels? Probably not.
Side note: I want a The Thief of Always movie, please and thank you.
“The Books of Blood” is a rad way to start this collection. The idea that these stories were originally written on someone’s flesh is an awesome concept. One of those once-in-a-lifetime ideas. I dig it. I only give it four stars instead of five because it doesn’t work as a story. Nice idea, but it’s more a creative introduction than it is a story. Four stars.
“The Midnight Meat Train” is terrific. Even the film is great. One of the best (in my opinion) adaptations of Barker’s work that I’ve seen. Stylistic and horrifying. But what I like the most about this story is how it ends. Barker always goes the road less traveled, and instead of writing your average serial killer fair, he gives us a fictional origin story for New York. Five stars.
“The Yattering and Jack” is one of the stories I remember the most in this collection. I read this one almost twenty years ago, and the events of this tale are still clear in my mind. I almost didn’t listen to it because they happenings remain so fresh, like wriggling fishies swimming around in my brain bucket. I’m glad I reread, though, because I think I liked it even more the second time around. One of my all-time favorite short stories. Five stars.
“Pig Blood Blues” is a story whose title I cannot say without stammering. I don’t know what it is about that three-word title, but it twists my tongue into knots. Anyway, I like this story because I like stories about creepy kids. The narration made Lacey all the more creepy. Funnily enough, the pig never bothered me. Four stars.
“Sex, Death and Starshine” is my least favorite story in the collection. It’s good, but that opening is everything I hate about Barker’s long fiction. He drones on and on about shit that doesn’t matter before getting to the actual plot. The next story suffered the same problems, but the payoff is much better. Three stars.
“In the Hills, the Cities” is simply fucking cool. Weird and radical. I will say nothing of this story other than I loved it. Also, I don’t think I read this one in when I originally went through this collection. I can’t imagine why I skipped it. I’m usually obsessive when it comes to reading every story in a collection in first-to-last order. Anyfuck, I dug the hell out of this story. My second favorite after “The Yattering and Jack”. Five stars.
In summation: If you haven’t read Barker, this is a good place to start. The guy’s novels aren’t for me, but he can write the fuck out of a short story. Definitely recommended.
Final Judgment: Beautiful horrors.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1423218/books-of-blood-volume-one-review
June 11, 2016
WORD, by E. Lorn, (Signed Paperback Pre-Order)
Coming August 18, 2016
WORD: A Collection, by E. Lorn
Author Edward Lorn is best known for his horror stories.
These are not those.
WORD is a collection of literary fiction that celebrates story in all its forms. You will find tales of odd lovers, social outcasts, and leaving your childhood behind.
These six stories, four of which are published here for the first time ever, take a considered look at the different facets of society and how normal is a word always in search of meaning.
Pre-order your signed copy today.
$25.00 with free shipping to the United States.
Pre-order ends July 1,2016. Book ships August 18, 2016.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1418222/word-by-e-lorn-signed-paperback-pre-order
Death Wish Coffee Review and Final Judgment
Death Wish Coffee: Final Judgment
My Death Wish Coffee arrived on May 25. It lasted until today, June 11. I followed the directions on the bag, but did not tweak the recipe, as they suggested I could on the packaging. I drank it the way they wanted me to drink it. The same amount of Maxwell House coffee lasts me twice as long. But Death Wish is stronger, right? Well, yes and no.
First off, I’m not impressed with the flavor of Death House. The coffee tastes like licking an ashtray and smells like used kitty litter, but for the first two days the clarity of mind and energy I achieved seemed worth the disgusting aftertaste and disconcerting aroma.
By day three, though, all that changed. I only drink coffee in the AM, while writing. I drink water throughout the day after that. On day three of my Death Wish Coffee trial, I started getting headaches in the afternoon, an obvious side effect of not having the insane amount of caffeine my body was becoming used to. No biggie. Caffeine headaches are manageable. I know all about how to be a functioning junkie. But then I started to see a serious decrease in that clarity and energy I’d been blessed with the first two days. By day five, it was like drinking any other coffee. Still tasted like a garbage fire, but I was no longer getting the kick I once had.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Of course all this happened. Over time your body will build up a tolerance for anything. But I didn’t have this problem with my regular medium roast Maxwell’s House. I’ve been drinking that for over a year now and it still gives me the wake up I want without the caffeine headaches later in the day. And 48 ounces of Maxwell House only costs me $8 while 16 ounces of Death Wish costs me $18. And, when following the instructions on the packaging for both brews, the Maxwell House lasts ten times longer.
You do the math. Try it yourself if you want. But my final judgment is that Death Wish Coffee isn’t worth it. Fun novelty packaging, but that’s about it.
June 8, 2016
Broth and Stock from the Nourished Kitchen: Wholesome Master Recipes for Bone, Vegetable, and Seafood Broths and Meals to Make with Them Review
Review:
Do you like soup? Do you like braising things? Are you prone to influenza, gullible when it comes to the newest cleanses, or have chronic mud butt and just need to rehydrate? Then this book is for you!
Chicken stock, beef stock, fish stock, stock for Asian dishes, stock for stuff you’ve never even heard of, orange stock (the color, not the fruit), upsetting-looking brown stock, stock the color of infected urine! It’s all here!
Wanna learn how to boil flavor into the most tasteless meat? Splash some stock on your Russian chick and call it “Pena!” Are you an amateur cannibal who’s found human to be too gamey? Dip your neighbor in some dashi and he’ll thank you for it!
And in case you have the IQ of a Trump supporter, there’s even a list of websites in the back of the book where you can order your own free-range, non-GMO, homogenized, slightly-racist, super-judgmental goat!
Jennifer McGruther has her finger on the pulse of the broth community. If she came any closer to perfection, I could put out a restraining order against her!
EXCLAMATION MARKS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In summation. I’m sure everything in here is delicious. But let’s be real. Broth is the original flavored water. You can make broth out of anything if you try hard enough. I’m only giving this three stars instead of five because I was super disappointed that I didn’t find any obscure broth, like bison stock or jellyfish stock. Then again, nothing beats some good, old fashioned cock stock. YARD BIRD FOR LIFE!!!!
Final Judgement: It’s a book about stock. What were you expecting?
Spoiler discussion: Wherein I spoil Broth and Stock from the Nourished Kitchen: Wholesome Master Recipes for Bone, Vegetable, and Seafood Broths and Meals to Make with Them… Jesus squeeze us, that was a mouth full.
[spoiler]
You really clicked on the spoiler tag? Wow. Okay. I guess I need to put something here then…
[/spoiler]
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