Nimue Brown's Blog, page 42

Studying Druidry

(Nimue)

When you first come to Druidry, the odds are you’ll pick up a book about it from one of the more famous Druids, maybe read some blogs and articles to get a feel for what Druidry is. You might build on that by reading more about the history and mythology. You’ll soon find that there isn’t as much historical detail as you might have hoped for. Many of the people who are attracted to Druidry are also attracted to the idea of study and learning, so, where do you go next?

Anywhere you like!

One of the things we can be pretty confident about regarding the ancient Druids is that they were thinking people. They learned history, law, medicine and more. We don’t have the lore they studied. We also don’t need it. Knowledge needs to be meaningful, so there’s a good argument for saying that modern knowledge is the most relevant thing for a modern Druid. Any area of study that interests you can therefore be part of how you do your Druidry.

Aside from the relevance of a love of learning, what makes your study Druidic is what you do with it. What I refer to for guidance here are the pledges I made when I first initiated as a bard – that I would use my creativity for the good of the land and the good of my people. Therefore I use my learning to inform my creativity so that I can work for the good of the land and the good of my people. I learn so as to make better choices, and so that I can act in meaningful and effective ways.

The Gorsedd Prayer that many of us use asks for the blessings of understanding and knowledge. Knowledge brings us to the knowledge of justice, and to love. It is through understanding that we are able to act justly, to empathise and to be compassionate. Anything we learn has the potential to take us in this direction.

To study as a Druid is to study anything that strikes you as worthy of your time and attention. To seek knowledge is Druidic. You can do that formally through courses, you can read, take classes to develop skills, or learn by experimenting and through experience. It’s all equally valid. You are responsible for what you learn, and what you do with it, and it is on you to find the best resources. It is also on us to use critical thinking skills, work out who to trust and how to sift the grain from the chaff. 

Perhaps the most important test of anyone’s thinking and teaching is what it encourages. I reject the teachers who sow division and encourage selfishness. I reject the teachers who offer simplistic takes and no nuance. I want to learn from people who are compassionate, working for peace, cooperative and inclined towards sharing. This is not just about teachers of Druidry, but about anyone we might learn from along the way.

Adventures with low blood pressure

(Nimue)

For some years I suffered badly with low blood pressure. This made it difficult to do anything very physical and gave me a lot of days when my options were sorely limited. There are various things that can cause low blood pressure – including anemia. It can kill people. There’s startling little information out there about what might cause it or how to deal with it.

I did some serious reading around during the period when I had to lie on the sofa a lot. It looks like the hormone responsible for maintaining healthy blood pressure in the body is noradrenaline and that we make it when we are happy. I found some science papers, I’m afraid I don’t have the links, and this all seems to be tentative, but if it’s right then the implications are huge.

In terms of my own body it turns out that sleep makes a huge difference. If I get enough good quality sleep then I tend to be ok – not always great but wholly functional. One or two bad nights are enough to cause me significant problems. Mostly I’ve been sleeping very well of late, but there were some rough nights when Keith was recovering from operations and the impact was obvious.

Sleep is really important for wellbeing – this is hardly news. There are all kinds of things our bodies do to regulate themselves that depend on sleep and don’t work as well without it. Exhaustion will make any problem far worse than it would otherwise have been, and sleep certainly has a big impact on mental health. Of course these things are all connected, they all happen to our bodies as a whole and you can’t separate mental and physical health.

Having better blood pressure means I can walk more, socialise more, do more. All of that has impacted in a good way on body and mind alike. That in turn contributes to my being less stressed which makes it easier for me to sleep. Stress has definitely been the reasonI struggled with sleep in the past.

A lot of what goes on in the human body is circular. We tend to think of cause and effect as a more linear process, but often it’s more of a spiral. Once something goes wrong, it can knock other things out creating a spiral into every greater difficulty. Equally, if you can push the other way, you can get a virtue cycle where improvements build on each other. That’s been how the last nine months or so have been for me.

Some problems do not have answers. Sometimes the margins of success are small but I think even the small wins are well worth having. After years of experiencing serious limitations it feels miraculous to get anything back, and I’m taking great delight in being able to be more myself. I’m fortunate in this regard and it is a source of daily gratitude for me.

When you have lost your way

(Nimue)

Something I see regularly online is creative people saying that they are struggling. Loss of focus, lack of energy, absence of inspiration – and in face of this they are unable to do what they do. For some people this is the painful loss of what used to delight them. For others it’s the terrifying inability to do the things that keep a roof over their heads. 

You cann’t pour from an empty cup. I’ve been here many times and can speak to the issue with some confidence. We all need inspiration in our lives or we end up lost, stuck, and unhappy. Being inspired takes time and space. If you are drowning in exhaustion, overload, lack of rest, lack of resources, stress and pressure then you won’t have room for inspiration.

Much of this is systemic. Here in the UK the cost of living keeps rising while wages do not. Many are struggling to get by. Poverty is exhausting and the threat of it is highly stressful. Trying to make less go further takes a lot of creative energy. If that sounds familiar, then it’s a lot to ask of yourself that you also manage to be creative in other ways alongside this.

However, there are things we can do to help ourselves. Part of the wider social pressure involves this grinding sense that you are supposed to be working hard all the time. This is a notion that exists to crush people and is fundamentally untrue. Rest is essential to both mental and physical health. If all you do is slog away at things there’s never time to question what you’re doing or whether you could improve things. This is not an accident.

The answer to lost inovation and lack of motivation is rest and restorative things. Turn to whatever nourishes you and make as much time for it as you can. Even if that’s very little time, it is still worth the investment. Give yourself space to think and regroup. Ideas take time and space. That’s as true for meal planning as it is for poems. 

We have to allow each other this time and support each other in taking the time we need. We have to undermine this culture of perpetual hustle that burns people out and leaves them unable to function. Life should not be about working ourselves to death.So if you see someone struggling, don’t tell them to try harder and push more. It doesn’t work. Encourage them to take a day off, or do something that cheers them. If you can ease their load in some way, offer it. It’s also not much use standing at the sidelines telling someone to take it easy if they have no way of doing that. Give them a lift, cook them a meal, watch their kids for an hour… if you can.

Gentleness gets a lot done. It is an antidote to internalised capitalism, and all the anxiety and stress that causes. In gently supporting each other we can create better and more sustainable lives.

Luddite poetry online

(Nimue)

This poem was written specifically for a recent online open mic that had the theme ‘online’. The event was also a launch for Laura Jane Round’s website. Laura is a talented poet and a compelling author. She’s someone I met through steampunk events and we’re both involved with Tenebrous Texts. You can find her website over here - https://laurajaneround.co.uk/

Consider the machine

I got online back in the nineties 

There I first heard about luddites and read

About breaking the frames.

Online where I learned to crotchet

Found seed savers, water witches

Basic reskilling.

The things we didn’t learn to do

With our hands, salvaged

In youtube videos.

Go online to find how to be

Radical, rewilding, regenerative

Using the machine to defy the machine.

Show me your yurt, your compost heap

Your unmown lawn, your upcycled lamp

Photograph the revolution.

The irony isn’t lost on me

Instagram influencers

Making memes about living simply.

I think about what might have been

If the machine breakers had won

Not the end of machinery, surely.

But perhaps a revolution that did not

Make machines of impoverished humans

Stealing life, hope and joy.

Imagine if we had built to truly serve

The greatest good for all. Not exploiting

Cheap labour in mass producing factories.

Break the machine that steals from you

Demand a device that serves life

That would  be a real industrial revolution

We’re not loom weavers to throw tools

Into the machine yet we might still

Put spanners in the mechanisms of oppression

Pick your frame

Smash what you can

Of the systems that crush us.

Waxwings

(Nimue)

Waxwings are seasonal visitors to Stroud, passing through as part of their annual migration. I’ve seen them once before in my life. They are charming birds, mostly pinkish, with feather tufts on their heads that suggest punk hairstyles. They have a lovely, trilling call.

This year a large flock of them showed up on Rodborough common (local to me) to feast on the hawthorn berries. I found out about this thanks to social media, where there were some glorious photographs taken pn days when the light was better. At the point where we were able to go and see them it was a rather grey day with high winds and a storm coming in – not ideal photography conditions. The flock were flitting between trees, and Keith was able to take a photo that gives some sense of them but does not convey the colours.

A lot of people went out to see them, and watched them respectfully. 

We’re fortunate to have these commons – bit open spaces that you can just visit and wander round. These grasslands are home to all kinds of wild things – orchids, butterflies, fungi and birds. They’re a wonderful habitat even though it might look like there isn’t much going on if you don’t know what you’re looking at.

Access to green spaces is so incredibly important for human wellbeing. We need the wildness that all too often we’ve pushed to the margins.

One day at a time

(Nimue)

At this point, my lovely Keith is two weeks into a six week treatment process. One of the things we learned before it even started was that we would have to take things one day at a time. There are a lot of variables around how people react to cancer treatment and at the outset it’s very hard to predict how it’s going to go. There were some rough days. There have also been good days.

I’ve never been the sort of person to imagine that I had all the time in the world for things. I’ve always been too aware of mortality, and of the scope for things, opportunities, places and people to suddenly be lost forever. I try to make the best of what I have, to make the most of every opportunity I get and to value every day. I try not to be complacent about anything. Right now that outlook is standing me in very good stead.

Every good day is precious. That’s always been true. Every smile shared, every joke, every happy moment, is precious. This is not news to me. The odds are that there are some tough weeks ahead. One of the great uncertainties lies around how the recovery process goes and of course beyond that there’s the bigger question of whether the treatment has worked. That’s something I’ve decided not to think about too much, because there’s nothing I can do about it. Better to focus on what good I can make, and what I can do to help Keith get through this process as easily as possible.

Every good day is a win in and of itself. The further we get with good days, the less brutal the worst of it is likely to be, and the easier the recovery process will be. At some point I will probably have to stop counting good days, and start measuring in terms of manageable, bearable, not as bad as it could be. Every day that the process can be managed well is going to help with recovery outcomes. There’s a lot to fight for, a lot to focus on.

And every good day is precious in it’s own right. Always, every one of them whether there’s an obvious crisis going on or not. Every good moment is something to cherish. One of the many things I really appreciate about my partner is that he’s the kind of person who makes the best of things. He can be cheered, encouraged and he knows how to enjoy things. It’s a valuable skill, now more than ever.

(I’m sharing this having talked it through with Keith and had his input on it.)

Everyday Compassion

(Nimue)

One of the more powerful things we can choose as part of our everyday Druidry, is compassion. Small acts of care and kindness can get a great deal done.

Compassion can take many forms. It can mean being patient with someone else and avoiding getting angry with other people who are struggling. Listening to others can be really supportive, as can simply taking someone else seriously even when their experiences are different from your own. 

We can consider the many ways in which we might treat ourselves with more compassion. Meeting our own needs and holding ourselves to functional, sustainable standards is an important part of this. In so doing we can also model better ways of being that might well help and encourage anyone who encounters it. Refusing to celebrate toxic work cultures is a good place to start. Making time for rest and gentleness and encouraging others to do the same is a good one. Taking care of yourself often aligns with doing things that are more environmentally friendly. 

When we treat ourselves gently, it’s easier to be kind to others. If you internalise pressures to perform, to work relentlessly, to look a certain way then this will likely make you miserable. Rather than being angry with the internalised capitalism, its all too easy to be angry with other people. The more we compete with each other and resent each other the unhappier we are likely to be. The person who can delight in the joy and success of others has a happier time of it and won’t struggle to treat others well.

When we treat each other gently we are less likely to experience conflict or  the stress and misery that can cause. When we experience ourselves as kind, patient people who make good contributions to whatever we’re part of, we get to feel better about ourselves. Warmth invites warmth.

There are of course people who mistake kindness for weakness and who see gentleness as an excuse for exploitation. Compassionate responses sometimes need a wider view. Calling out a bully is an act of compassion to anyone everyone they hurt, even if it makes the person being called out uncomfortable. Tackling prejudice, misinformation, unkindness and selfishness can make room for better things. This needs balancing against what resources you have, and what you can afford to deal with. It’s important not to confuse being nice with being compassionate. Sometimes compression is complicated and challenging. Being nice in some situations can enable cruelty to continue.

Small acts of care can get a lot done. I want to thank everyone who has sent messages of support to Keith via this blog – I have been passing those along. This support is really helping him and he appreciates it, so thank you for that.

Dream Interpretation

(Nimue)

For years I’ve had recurring nightmares about the sea. They’ve featured flooding, tsunamis, and suddenly rising water that traps me or threatens me. The obvious interpretation would be fear around climate crisis.  I had another one recently where I was walking a costal path and the sea came in – further and faster than it should have done, washing over my path. A dear friend appeared in the dream and while I was trying to get away from the water, my friend kept telling me that I needed to just brave the shallow floods and go back because I was getting lost.

Not all dreams seem significant to me, but this one certainly did, so I sat with it for a while. I don’t think universal dream symbolism is a thing so I didn’t look it up. I thought about what tise friend means to me and what my unconscious might use them to embody. What was I trying to say to myself? 

This friend is an intensely emotional person who in the past signposted the way to me rethinking a lot about how I feel and deal with my feelings. So I considered what it would mean if the person in my dream was there to point to my emotional life. I have been afraid of my feelings for much of my life – afraid of my own intensity and how keenly I feel things. This hasn’t always played out well with other people.

As an aside something I’ve encountered repeatedly is people who want to make use of what my passion, devotion and care will get done while not liking at all the there is passion, devotion and care involved. I’ve seldom been comfortable with my own emotions, nor with what they’ve left me open to.

I do not have to be afraid of my dream sea. I am not going to drown myself in my own emotions. One of the things I’ve learned this year is to see my own feelings as valid and reasonable. If I get a little out of my depth sometimes there are people around me who will guide me back, just as I would guide them back if needed. Feeling welcome and wanted as the person I am has made a lot of odds to me. I’m increasingly sure of who my people are and where I genuinely fit.

Having sat with the dream for a while, I decided that I don’t need to have any more of these nightmares. I think that very likely means that they won’t come up in the same way and that my brain will move on to something else.

If you are the sort of person who is fascinated by dreams doesn’t get on with dream dictionaries, I have a book about dreaming that may be relevant. During January 2024, it’s on sale as an ebook with the code JANSALE24 https://www.collectiveinkbooks.com/moon-books/our-books/pagan-dreaming

Long term illness and sense of self

(Nimue)

Long term illness and developing disabilities impacts on a person’s sense of self. It costs you things that were part of you and is likely to be disorientating and distressing. One of the most reliable casualties is the ability to work. For many people, identity and work are deeply linked. UK culture is cruel towards people who can’t work, adding shame and humiliation to the mix for many.

Long term illness impacts on our social lives, our home lives, our relationships with family and community. The scope for physical activity diminishes. Life becomes narrower, and those losses bring grief that also has to be dealt with

When it comes to mental health, hanging on to something of yourself as you face other challenges is really important. For Druids there are a lot of things that you can do while sitting down, or even lying down, but the loss of outside time, and community gatherings can be harsh. For spiritual people there can be issues around feeling pressured to find meaning in the loss, or coming to doubt your spiritual path because of it. The more invested you’ve been in the idea that you can magically have whatever you want, the bigger a blow it is when your body inevitably malfunctions. Sooner or later, we all will. Old age will get us if nothing else does.

It helps to know what in your life is important for your sense of self. That makes it easier to prioritise. It helps to think about these things – trying to pretend there isn’t a problem doesn’t get much done. Working out what you can hold on to, and focusing on that, is a good idea. You don’t have to be stoiacal about it, or saintly in your resignation, you don’t have to accept what’s happening or be grateful for it as a learning opportunity. It is totally ok to be angry, sad, frustrated and feel all of your feelings. It’s not unspiritual to resent the loss of things that mattered to you.

Whatever else you can or can’t do, you can always let yourself feel your feelings. That’s the biggest part of hanging onto a sense of self. It doesn’t matter what other people would find convenient, or what you think you’re supposed to feel. Make room for what you’ve got – which is likely to be messy. Being strong doesn’t mean avoiding your fear or grief. You can be pragmatic and still have space for howling. Suppressing emotion costs a great deal in terms of both effort and wellbeing. Having space for whatever you’re feeling is likely to help you cope far better than trying to put a brave face on things will.

Sometimes life is a bit shit. Terrible things happen for no good reason. There aren’t always meaningful lessons to learn. All you can ever do is try to make the best of what you’ve been dealt. You do not have to be defined by any of it – unless you want to be, and that’s fine too.

Unpredictable shifts towards spring

(Nimue)

Last week there were some warmer days when it felt like early spring. This week we’re dropping below freezing at night and the days are bitterly cold. This is normal enough for the journey from winter to spring in my corner of the UK. It isn’t a smooth journey. Late frosts and snows are always an option.

The photo shows fattening leaf buds on a little tree near my home. Daffodils are putting up leaves and I’ve seen a lot of other ground cover plants emerging from the earth in sheltered spots. Spring comes in fits and starts, and a sudden shift in the weather can dramatically set everything back. Climate chaos of course makes it all more unpredictable than it was in the past.

I always find this first sighting of new leaves a hopeful moment. No matter how much winter lies ahead, spring is certainly on the way, and I find comfort in that knowledge. I don’t do well with really cold conditions, spring always comes as a relief to me.