Long term illness and sense of self
(Nimue)
Long term illness and developing disabilities impacts on a person’s sense of self. It costs you things that were part of you and is likely to be disorientating and distressing. One of the most reliable casualties is the ability to work. For many people, identity and work are deeply linked. UK culture is cruel towards people who can’t work, adding shame and humiliation to the mix for many.
Long term illness impacts on our social lives, our home lives, our relationships with family and community. The scope for physical activity diminishes. Life becomes narrower, and those losses bring grief that also has to be dealt with
When it comes to mental health, hanging on to something of yourself as you face other challenges is really important. For Druids there are a lot of things that you can do while sitting down, or even lying down, but the loss of outside time, and community gatherings can be harsh. For spiritual people there can be issues around feeling pressured to find meaning in the loss, or coming to doubt your spiritual path because of it. The more invested you’ve been in the idea that you can magically have whatever you want, the bigger a blow it is when your body inevitably malfunctions. Sooner or later, we all will. Old age will get us if nothing else does.
It helps to know what in your life is important for your sense of self. That makes it easier to prioritise. It helps to think about these things – trying to pretend there isn’t a problem doesn’t get much done. Working out what you can hold on to, and focusing on that, is a good idea. You don’t have to be stoiacal about it, or saintly in your resignation, you don’t have to accept what’s happening or be grateful for it as a learning opportunity. It is totally ok to be angry, sad, frustrated and feel all of your feelings. It’s not unspiritual to resent the loss of things that mattered to you.
Whatever else you can or can’t do, you can always let yourself feel your feelings. That’s the biggest part of hanging onto a sense of self. It doesn’t matter what other people would find convenient, or what you think you’re supposed to feel. Make room for what you’ve got – which is likely to be messy. Being strong doesn’t mean avoiding your fear or grief. You can be pragmatic and still have space for howling. Suppressing emotion costs a great deal in terms of both effort and wellbeing. Having space for whatever you’re feeling is likely to help you cope far better than trying to put a brave face on things will.
Sometimes life is a bit shit. Terrible things happen for no good reason. There aren’t always meaningful lessons to learn. All you can ever do is try to make the best of what you’ve been dealt. You do not have to be defined by any of it – unless you want to be, and that’s fine too.
