Sara Horn's Blog, page 8
January 20, 2014
50 Ways to Follow Your Husband
When you look at Ephesians 5, the word “submit” that is used in verse 22 is the same meaning as the word that’s used in verse 21 – hupotasso – “to put or place under in rank; to obey.” Philippians 2:3 tells us to “Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.” If you remember, after that famous incident in the garden, God tells Eve in Genesis that He will “intensify your labor pains; you will bear children in anguish. Your desire will be for your husband, yet he will rule over you.”
The words obey and rule over don’t sit very well, do they? I’m kind of wishing Eve hadn’t been so insistent on that whole apple eating business.
Here’s how the Message translation puts it though: “Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.”
So this whole idea of submission isn’t for our husbands benefit; it’s for God’s blessing. And our purpose for submitting, or putting our husbands first, isn’t because we have some weird Stepford Wives thing going on – it’s because we’re pursuing what it means to follow God where He calls us – in life, in marriage, in whatever season He has us in and we understand that marriage between a husband and wife is supposed to be the closest practical example we have of the relationship between Christ and His church.
But still. It’s all well and good to say we understand what Scripture says. It’s a little different to understand what biblical submission, or biblical marriage as I’ve heard the term, looks like in today’s time of two-working-spouse-households and juggling kids, church, careers and homes.
So here are 50 ways, in no specific order, you can “show support and understanding” towards your husband – which ones do you already do? Which ones are hard? What’s something you would add?
1. Ask him “What do you think?” and show interest in what he says.
2. When he comes home late from work, have something waiting for him to eat, instead of expecting him to make something for himself.
3. Tell him you appreciate what he does for you.
4. Tell him you appreciate what he does to help with the kids.
5. Criticize less what he does wrong and voice your thanks on what he does right.
6. Be his cheerleader, not his teacher.
7. Remember that he’s not one of your kids. You train your kids. You help your husband. There’s a difference.
8. Don’t complain when he asks for your help with something.
9. After discussing a big decision, be willing to let him have the final say. Even if you’re not sure it’s the right one.
10. If you know he has a favorite meal that he likes for you to fix, make a point to make it regularly, just as a way to say “I love you.”
11. Pray for him.
12. Edit your words. When you really, really want to tell him exactly what you think – don’t. Say what you should. Know the difference.
13. When you say yes and your husband says no to something the kids want to do – go with what your husband says. Teach your kids the importance of listening to their father.
14. When you get frustrated at your husband’s lack of leadership – stop and remember his pace may not be yours. His style may not be your style. So stop trying to make him like you.
15. Ask him how you can pray for him. And pray. Don’t try to fix.
16. If he tells you he’ll do something, don’t keep reminding him until he does it.
17. Don’t talk badly about him to other people, even joking. Because every joke has a little truth to it.
18. If he wants you and you’re not puking your guts up or laying in a hospital bed, let him have you. Marital closeness is achieved through sex. That’s why it’s called intimacy. So be intimate with your man. And refuse to see it as another chore to check off but a time to be close despite the hectic chaos of the day.
19. Don’t replace your husband’s place in your life with your child. A wife and a mama are two different roles and you don’t stop being a wife when you become a mom. Eventually the kids do move away.
20. Laugh at his jokes, even when they don’t make any sense.
21. Smile at him more. Let him know you like seeing his face.
22. If he has trouble getting out the door in the morning, help by making him breakfast or making his lunch.
23. Ask him from time to time how you can help him.
24. If it drives you crazy when he leaves his socks or underwear in the floor and he still forgets to pick them up because he never really sees them, even though you’ve said something 50 or more times – then just take the 30 seconds to pick them up. There are some battles that are not worth the fight. Seriously.
25. Look for ways you can be a positive influence on your husband – and not a drill instructor.
26. Don’t make a huge purchase without talking to him first. Even if it’s “your” money (which in the life of a married couple, I don’t believe there should be his/her money. But that’s a post for another time). Make decisions together and be interested in his input.
27. Be willing to admit when you’re wrong and say you’re sorry.
28. If he’s resistant to making decisions, then help by breaking down a decision with questions. Instead of, “what car should we buy?” give him two different models to choose from (example:Hyundai or Toyota). And if he really doesn’t care where you eat, than just choose.
29. Slip a note in his car or his lunch before he leaves and tell him how much you appreciate and love him.
30. Tell him you’re glad to see him after you reconnect at the end of the day and show him you mean it.
31. Encourage him to get involved in church by pointing out his skills or traits that would be a big help in a specific ministry area.
32. Use words that will encourage him, not tear him down. Never make fun of your husband at his personal expense, in front of others or just to him.
33. Talk about what you like about him to your children and to others. Don’t hold back on what he does right or his qualities you love the most.
34. When you ask him to do something, whether it’s with the kids or the house, and he does it – resist the urge to criticize if he doesn’t do it exactly the way you would. He is not you.
35. If you find yourself constantly stressed with too busy a schedule, and he suggests that you say no to some things – listen. Sometimes those closest to us see situations better than we do.
36. If you ask his opinion on something, don’t listen and then discount it. Let him see his thoughts matter much to you.
37. Don’t complain if your husband’s work has a get-together and he wants you and the family to go. See it as a great opportunity to help him shine.
38. It’s hard to follow someone who doesn’t want to lead. Realize that learning to lead is sometimes as much a process as learning to follow. Give grace.
39. Apologize when you lose your temper or you’re short with him. Don’t take for granted that he’ll get over it.
40. If he likes cooking too, don’t complain that he’s doing your job or think he’s doing it because he doesn’t like how you cook. Just be grateful for the night off once in a while!
41. Sit down next to him when he’s watching a game or his favorite tv show, even when you don’t care about whatever is on the screen. Just be there.
42. When he talks to you, listen. Try not to think about the 101 other things you need to be doing.
43. If he really, really doesn’t like that shirt you’re wearing – then stop wearing it. Not because he’s right – but because you love him. (Ask me about my fanny pack sometime!)
44. Thank him when he does things around the house. Yes, he knows he has responsibilities – but knowing he’s appreciated for those things is important.
45. Compliment him and not just about what he does – but who he is. Does he have a way of always making you laugh, even when you’re worried or stressed? Tell him.
46. When he has a day off, ask him what he’d like to do before you provide him with a list of what you’d like him to do.
47. Ask him before you throw things out that are his – whether clothing, papers or old knick knacks.
48. Always let him know you’re in his corner. Support him when he’s struggling with an issue at work or with a friendship or relationship, even if you’re not 100% convinced he’s right. Be the one he knows he can always count on.
49. Words are powerful. Use your words wisely when you talk to your husband.
50. When he says or does something that hurts your feelings, give him the benefit of the doubt before you jump to a conclusion you may regret.
On Wednesday, I’ll share 50 Ways You Can Lead Your Wife.
Want to go deeper? Subscribe to my blog and download my free devotional, 30 Days to Love HIS Way.
January 18, 2014
Thoughtful Words, January 18, 2014
This post is a day late but I’m determined to still make my “three posts a week” goal. Here are some of the posts I’ve enjoyed from others this week! I invite you to check them out for yourself!
(Do you use a reader? If so, which one? I’m really loving Feedly – and would love to invite you to add THIS blog (sarahorn.com) to it if you are not already receiving my blog through your inbox.)
Chivalry is Out of Style
{Matt Walsh Blog}
I loved this post because it’s something I’ve thought often over the last few years. As women, we’ve been so intentional in society about putting ourself firmly in front of the guy, that we can’t even let them open the door for us (and walk in front of them). But even though I recognize this decrease in manners from men and that it’s because of women scorning those very acts of respect and gender kindness – I still often catch myself declining a man’s help in unloading my groceries or carrying something heavy. Good food for thought from Matt Walsh. Read more.
An Open Letter to My Denomination: Have We Lost Our First Love?
{Thom Rainer}
Dr. Rainer is the president of LifeWay Christian Resources, where I worked for a couple of years at the beginning of my professional writing career. His post here is thoughtful and challenging and I believe puts forward a sentiment that is starting to bubble among Christians and not just within my denomination of Southern Baptists. Sharing the Gospel must always be our first priority as Christ followers and yet I don’t think many of us are as much as we might think. I know for me personally, I’ve challenged myself as well as my ministry team for Wives of Faith to hold tightly to Matthew 5:13-16 this year, and actively pursue how we can be salt and light to a world that is dying without Jesus. Is it harder than 50 years ago? Possibly. But is it still just as important? YES. Read the post here.
Submissive and Strong
{Journey to Surrender}
I really enjoyed this post by Scott Means. He does a great job identifying the strength required in wives to be submissive. I’ve maintained since looking at biblical submission closer for myself that biblical submission is a voluntary choice made by the wife out of obedience to God and respect and love for her husband. It is not an act of weakness by any means!! Read more here.
How to Make Good Decisions as a Team
{Inc Magazine}
I’m always looking for tips and articles on leadership since I lead a ministry and a leadership team of about 10 women who live all over the country. Decision making can be a challenge. I like the the “4D Rule” offered here - Data, Debate, Decide or Defer. A good guideline to hold to, for corporations or ministries alike. Read more here.
The First Steps of a Transition Trip with Your Son
{LifeWay Women}
And to add a fifth favorite because an even four just feels weird – this post from John Croyle, author of The Two-Minute Drill to Parenting Bible study offers some great suggestions for you mamas/parents out there who have pre-teens turning into teenagers like my husband and I do. I’m excited to do this with our son after Cliff returns from his deployment. Read the full post here.
Did you miss one of my posts this week?
If He Leads, Will You Follow? - The importance of leadership in marriage.
Why Our Marriage isn’t 50/50 – Why going “halfsies” in a marriage relationship doesn’t always (or ever) really work.
January 17, 2014
If He Leads, Will You Follow?
I remember the first time my husband and I danced, a couple of years into our married life together.
The music played, our hearts were full, our feet…not so light.
Ouch. “Sorry.”
Another step. Awkward shuffle. And pivot to avoid crushing toes…
“Oops!” I giggled, laughing more at myself than him.
Step. He went left and I went right.
That’s when Cliff stepped back and looked at me.
“Are you going to let me lead?”
That question from my husband has echoed in my mind often through various seasons of our marriage. In the last 15 years, we’ve made too many decisions together to count. Job changes. Big purchases like a house or a car. Little decisions like where to hang a picture (that took six months for us to come to agreement on but that’s a post for another time…)
I haven’t always let him lead. If I’m honest, most of the time, I liked to lead. I wanted to lead. I felt like I had to lead.
I wrote the other day about how I don’t agree with the 50/50 relationship. Someone has to lead. Now many argue that you can take turns leading, and maybe that’s absolutely fine – if you’re playing Follow the Leader with your kindergarten class.
But when it comes to your family? Your future? I think it’s easier on everyone when one person leads the dance and the other follows.
We see this demonstrated in lots of different ways.
Corporations have CEOs.
Communities have mayors.
Football teams have coaches. And even among the players, there are team captains. (Or is that basketball? I’m hit or miss when it comes to sports analogies, y’all.)
Restaurants have Executive Chefs who run the kitchen.
Schools have principals and classes have teachers.
Churches have a pastor, committees have a chair. Nonprofit ministries have a leader.
Someone must lead. For order, for vision, for consistency.
So why, if we expect and trust leadership in just about every other area of our lives – why do we struggle so as to who leads in our marriages?
Who leads the dance?
I know the arguments well because I’ve used them.
“But my husband isn’t the leader type – he’s type B – I’m type A. It’s more natural for me to lead.”
“I don’t believe in the head of household thing – you will never see me as the little wifey, fetching slippers and sweet tea for my man. Let him get it himself. Or better yet, get it for me once in a while.”
“I don’t believe in biblical submission.”
That last one was me. Because while I never said it quite out loud, my actions reflected it.
But here’s where I got tripped up.
I believe in God. I believe in His Word. I believe His Word is a LIVING Word – and what I mean by that is that the Bible is not some old book that has old dated dusted off stories in it that people mistakenly hold onto – but it is a living, breathing way God connects to His people and helps us and points us and yes, often convicts us of things we’re doing and choices we’re making that do not honor Him.
And if I believe God has input into my eternity – why in the world would I think He does not want input into my marriage?
So I go back to that section so many of us avoid like the bad part of town we never risk driving through…
22 Wives, submit[a] to your own husbands as to the Lord, 23 for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything.25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her with the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. 28 In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of His body.[c]
31 For this reason a man will leave
his father and mother
and be joined to his wife,
and the two will become one flesh.[d]
32 This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.
Take a deep breath. I know. When you read that, if you have the sound of culture in your ear than every year that women have worked to earn the right to vote, to earn the right to work, to earn the right to have equal wages and equal respect feels like it just got thrown out with the dirty diaper we suddenly feel like we’re expected to change, and that’s the only thing we’re told we can do.
Wait.
Because the fundamental difference that hangs on this word is interpretation – whose interpretation will you apply? Society’s definition? Or God’s definition? Because society has twisted this understanding in such a way that even believers who love the Lord and desire to follow Him struggle with this idea that God has said for husbands to lead their wives.
I know this to be true because I’ve heard from women who loved reading about my experience looking at biblical submission but are afraid that if they share anything from the book on their FB page, they’ll be laughed at by friends who think they’ve gone nuts. I’ve also heard from women who have shared with their friends, and have been laughed at and put down and labeled old-fashioned or crazy or worse.
I like what Candace Cameron Bure said in her interview with Huffington Post – biblical submission is not about being weak – it’s about being meek – and meekness is not a bad trait, y’all! There is strength that’s required to be kind when you don’t feel like it. There is strength that is required to show respect and love towards someone who is saying something you don’t agree with or you really wish he would just see it your way.
See, following a leader doesn’t mean you sit in a boat and just coast for the ride. You are not oarless (if that’s a word). You are just as big a part in making the boat move across the water as the one who is in charge of saying where that boat is going. And a good captain knows to listen to his first officer. A good CEO knows to listen to his COO.
So let him lead. And be willing to follow. You may be very pleasantly surprised of where you end up.
Still confused? Still not sure about this? Join me next week as we talk about 50 Ways to Follow Your Husband, and 50 Ways to Lead Your Wife (that’s right, it’s time we talk to the husbands!)
Want to know how this whole pursuit of a biblically submissive marriage got started for me? Read my story of what happened when I decided to try and be more like the Proverbs 31 wife… and how nothing turned out like I thought it would.
