Micalea Smeltzer's Blog, page 6

Wild Flame Excerpt

BLURB

He was raging chaos.

Kira Marsh wants to escape her past—so far, she’s done just that. But it doesn’t stop the memories from catching up to her.

She was the sweetest sin.

Rush Daniels has been spiraling out of control for a long time.

Haunted by the loss of his parents, he’s losing his grip on reality day by day.

Together they were a fire that couldn’t be doused.

When Rush and Kira start their no-strings attached relationship they expect it to be easy. But when one starts to fall for the other, things spiral out of control in a way neither ever expected.

Suddenly, they’re both facing their demons head-on, while their future together hangs in uncertainty.

 

EXCERPT Kira’s POV

My stomach rolls and I topple out of bed a little after seven in the morning.

I run the short distance from the bedroom to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth.

Dropping to my knees I manage to get the lid up on the toilet in time to empty the contents of my stomach. I don’t ever remember having a cold where I actually threw up. When I’m done emptying my stomach, I sit back on the cold tile, my body damp with perspiration.

My stomach rolls again and I lurch toward the toilet.

I jerk when I feel warm fingers pulling my hair back.

“I’m here. It’s okay,” Rush’s warm voice speaks softly as he crouches down beside me.

After I’m done, I wrench away from him, wiping my mouth on the back of my hand.

“What are you doing here? Y-You … I heard you leave. I don’t want you seeing me like this.”

“I pretended to leave,” he admits, resting on his knees in front of me, still in his jeans. “I didn’t feel right leaving you here alone and sick.”

“Rush,” I say softly, almost irritated, but also in a sort of awe. “You are the most confusing man I’ve ever met.”

He cracks a grin. “What does that mean?”

“You don’t want a relationship—to be anyone’s boyfriend, but here you are doing boyfriend things. Can’t you see how this is weird?” I flick a finger from me to him.

He shrugs like it’s no big deal, which only grates on my nerves more. “I wouldn’t do this for anyone.”

“Why me?” I ask, hating the way my voice cracks and spikes to a higher pitch.

His long fingers splay over his thighs. “I … don’t … know.” His answer is honest and I can tell even he’s baffled by his behavior. “I guess when you care about someone you don’t like to see them hurting, especially when you can help.”

“Seriously, Rush. Go back to your hotel. You’ll be more comfortable. I’m fine here. I’ve been taking care of myself practically since I was born. Why stop now?”

“Because you have me,” he replies softly, sounding hurt.

I shake my head. I have a pounding headache and no brain power to deal with this confusing ass man.

I stand up, and Rush holds out his hand to help me but I refuse—not because I don’t need his help but I wiped my throw up across my hand and that’s just nasty.

I wash my hands thoroughly before brushing my teeth and swishing some mouthwash back and forth.

I spit it out, watching the blue liquid and white suds disappear down the drain. Rush hovers behind me, his presence large and looming like a fucking wall.

There’s no point in telling him to leave again, because I know he won’t. He’s as stubborn as I am when he’s convinced of something, and obviously he thinks here is where he belongs.

“Are you going back to bed?” he asks quietly, crossing his arms over his chest.

I ignore his probing gaze in the mirror. “No.” I dampen a cloth with cool water and pat my face with it.

“Hungry?” he inquires with a tilt of his head. “I could make you some toast.”

“You’re going to make me toast?” I glance over my shoulder at him in disbelief and he chuckles, rolling his eyes.

“I might not be able to cook, but I think I can at least manage to make toast, not burn it, and smear some butter on it.”

“Some toast might actually be okay,” I admit. The sickness seems to be completely gone, and now that I’ve thrown up I feel pretty great—not well, but not as bad as I did. I’ll take it as a small win.

I dry my face off as he leaves the small bathroom to undoubtedly make my toast.

“Should I make tea too?” He calls out from my kitchen.

“Sure, why not.”

At least it’ll give him something to do and stop fussing over me.

He and his friends might call Cannon the mother hen of their group, but right now Rush is giving him a surprising run for his money. To say I’m shocked is an understatement. It’s weird and unnatural.

I turn the light off in the bathroom—Rush must’ve turned it on when he came in, because I know I didn’t—and pad into the living space.

I can’t help but smile at the pile of blankets and pillows on the couch.

Rush is a giant, I swear he’s nearly seven feet tall, and the thought of him sleeping all night on my teeny-tiny couch is amusing. He must have had to perform some contortions to fit on it at all.

I sit down and wrap one of the blankets around me.

“Did you bring this?” I ask, looking at the fluffy green blanket.

“I got it for you when I was in Wal-Mart yesterday, but I got cold in the night and needed it. I should’ve gotten myself a Huggle.”

“A Huggle?” I ask, not sure I’ve heard him right.

“Yeah, like a Snuggie, but better.”

“Okay,” I say, suppressing a laugh.

“I got a movie too—since you’re sick and can’t leave I’m forcing you to watch it with me.”

“What is it?” I ask skeptically, watching him over the back of the couch as he moves around my tiny kitchen.

Everything about my place is small, but it’s mine and that’s all that matters to me.

“I’m not telling yet. You’ll have to wait and see.”

The toast pops out of the toaster and he puts it on a plate, slapping some butter across it.

He brings me the plate and says, “Tea will be ready soon.”

“You need an apron.”

“Huh?” he asks, raising a brow.

“A kitchen apron,” I explain. “You’re like my cute little personal chef.”

“Baby,” his voice lowers, “there’s nothing cute or little about me.”

There’s a promise in his eyes saying if I wasn’t sick he’d peel me out of my clothes and fuck me right here. I would let him too, but sadly I feel like a big ole pile of poo and that’s not attractive at all.

A few minutes later he hands me the mug of tea and then crouches in front of my TV popping a movie in the DVD player. He fiddles with the controls, getting everything going, and the previews do nothing to giveaway what movie it is.

He places the remotes to the TV and DVD player on the coffee table before joining me on the couch and piling the rest of the blankets on him.

I stare at the side of his face. His straight nose, nice lips, and flawless cheekbones. Handsome seems too plain of a word to describe Rush. He’s … godly.

I would never dare to utter those words to him. His ego doesn’t need any more inflation.

“Why are you staring at me?” he asks, still looking straight ahead.

“Because I can.”

He finally looks at me with a crooked grin. He rubs the stubble on his jaw. “Like what you see?”

I roll my eyes. “If I didn’t, I would’ve never slept with you.”

He pretends to gasp. “Kira, are you saying you’re so shallow you judge people based on looks?”

“The guys I sleep with? Yes,” I answer honestly. “My vagina is a fickle bitch. Only the best for her.”

He throws his head back and laughs. Dammit, if watching the way his throat moves with laughter isn’t one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen.

Just then I get distracted as the TV finally comes to the play screen for the movie.

I squint, not sure I’m seeing it right.

“The Princess Bride? Really?” I look at him like I don’t know him, which I’m beginning to realize I don’t. Not at all.

“It’s a good fucking movie.” He squirms beneath my scrutiny. “There are swords … and killing … and stuff.”

“Mhmm, and it’s also a romance.” I cross my arms over my chest.

“Yeah, but it’s not a rom-com, or Titanic,” he mutters the last under his breath.

“What’s wrong with Titanic?” I question curiously.

“Nothing.” He shakes his head, his shaggy blond hair moving with the gesture.

“Sounds like there’s a story there,” I sing-song.

He pulls a face of disgust as he presses play. “A story you’ll never ever hear.”

“Oh, now you have to tell me,” I say, perking up. The tea jostles in the mug as I wiggle on my beige couch.

“Nope.” He mimes zipping his lips. “Be a good girl and watch the movie. I’ll go get you some soup when it’s over.”

I shake my head. “One day you’ll tell me.”

He snorts. “Not likely.”

I’ll find out one way or the other, I know it.

 

Add on Goodreads 

 

This will be a surprise release and it’s coming soooooon guys.

The post Wild Flame Excerpt appeared first on Author Micalea Smeltzer.

Cheers to 2019

I’m not normally one to sit and reflect on the year, make resolutions for the new year, or anything of the sort.

But it’s been nearly 2 years since my diagnosis of Chronic Kidney Disease.

Nearly 2 years since with a few words my whole life changed irrevocably.

Almost 2 years of being cut open repeatedly, on more medicine than I’ve ever seen in my life, having needles shoved in my arms, feeling sick non-stop and so weak I wanted to give up and I didn’t see how I could go on.

It’s been the most trying time of my life. I’ve been tested in so many ways and found so much strength within myself I didn’t know I possessed. I’ve watched people walk out of my life, because of my disease and not being able to deal or I guess being afraid I’d ask them to be a donor. I don’t know, but I lost a lot of friends and learned who my true ones are. I learned which people in my life truly love me and I became so much closer to them. I’ve made new friends, and grown so much as a person.

January 18th will be five months post transplant.

This five months has gone by in the blink of an eye. It makes the time on dialysis seem like the blink of an eye. It makes it all the pain, anger, hurt, and worthlessness worth it.

There were so many times I wanted to give up, that I didn’t think I could possibly power through one more day. I’d lay in my bed crying to myself at night, wanting it all to be over because I thought it would be easier that way. But I’d remind myself I didn’t WANT to die and I had to fight.

So, I did.

I fought, and I fought, and I fought some more.

Getting the news my aunt was a perfect match and I was going to be getting a kidney was a mix of emotions–happiness, sure, but there’s a lot of fear too.

What if it doesn’t take?

What if something happens to her?

What if my body rejects it?

I could’ve let that fear stop me. I could’ve said no and eventually given up all together. Let the fear override my chance at a healthy future.

But I took a leap of faith, we both did.

And here I am now, healthier and happier than I’ve EVER been. I have more confidence than I ever thought possible. I still feel like ME but a better version of me–the version who has been waiting to come out all along, but was kept locked in a cage by the sickness and weakness in my own body.

This post isn’t supposed to be about my disease and journey, but a reminder to anyone who is afraid of something to keep pushing, keep going. Life’s too short to not take risks. Yeah, risks are scary, but it’s the things you don’t know that you’ll regret most in life.

I’m dedicating my 2019 to getting even healthier, doing things I’m afraid of, and writing my heart out. I literally got a second chance at life, a chance to do things I never thought possible, and I won’t squander it.

Most people don’t get a second chance, so I’m asking you–what are you going to do with your one chance?

Maybe write that book you’ve always wanted.

Or go skydiving.

Or perhaps you’ll finally talk to that cute guy at work you’ve had a crush on for ages.

Whatever it is you want to do, DO IT. We’re all on this crazy adventure called life, go out there and write your story the way you want it.

I love you guys so freaking much and I wouldn’t be anywhere without your support. I feel like I’ve been so absent and disconnected because of my illness and then healing, but I’m beyond ready for 2019. More books are going to be headed your way, and I want you to be able to get to know me better. I’m going to be sharing more on Instagram and it’s my hope to posts vlogs to my YouTube channel at least once a month, which is something that scares me, but I’m taking a risk on and getting out of my comfort zone for.

I could ramble on forever, lol, so I’m going to stop. But I want you to think really hard about something that scares you and pushes you out of your comfort zone and then do it anyway.

I feel certain you’ll be proud of yourself.

I know I’ve been proud of myself with what I’ve done so far this year, and I’m certain 2019 holds even more for me.

Countdown to Love Anthology Cover Reveal

I’m so honored Two Daisy Media asked me to be a part of their anthology with all these fellow amazing authors. *fangirls hard* I hope you’ll preorder a copy and help support this amazing charity.

 

Ring in your New Year with ten heart-clenching, sexy stories across multiple genres, that will keep you wanting more. 

*All proceeds will be donated to Alex’s Lemonade Stand to help fight childhood cancer.* 

PreOrder your .99 copy today!  

Releases 12/28/2018

Amazon: https://amzn.to/2Qbz43d

iBooks: https://tinyurl.com/y7zvawbe

Nook: https://tinyurl.com/yd8puzhc

KOBO: https://tinyurl.com/y8zxn8bn

COUNTDOWN TO LOVE 

10. Kimberly Knight – By Invitation Only 

9. Melissa Toppen – Crazy Stupid Love 

8. Regina Bartley – Dirty Nails 

7. Lucia Franco – Hold on to Me 

6. Savannah Stewart – If Love was Fair 

5. Mila Cole – Lighter 

4. Barbara C. Doyle – The Choices We Make 

3. Micalea Smeltzer – The Game that Breaks Us 

2. Bayli Lane – What If 

1. Fabiola Francisco – Whiskey Nights 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!  

 

 

The post Countdown to Love Anthology Cover Reveal appeared first on Author Micalea Smeltzer.

Wild Collision is LIVE EARLY!

He was a beautiful nightmare.

Mia Hayes is comfortable with her life as it is.

Boring is good.

Boring is normal.

Boring is safe.

But the thing with boring is it makes temptation all the sweeter.

She was a sweet dream.

Hollis Wilder goes a hundred miles an hour after everything he wants.

Fast is fun.

Fast is crazy.

Fast is dangerous.

But the thing with fast is it keeps you from thinking before you act.

Together they were the notes in their favorite song.

When Mia and Hollis collide—literally—music’s new bad boy can’t help but notice the beautiful red-haired woman with soft curves. She calls to him like a siren, and since the word no isn’t in his vocabulary he’s determined to get what he wants.The problem is, one night won’t be enough, and the fact that Mia is his mentor’s daughter complicates things royally.

Mia’s the one girl that’s off limits, but she might be the only one he wants for real.

 

 

 

Run forth and enjoy guys! I can’t wait to hear what you think.

Amazon/Kindle Unlimited: http://hyperurl.co/xlds6t

Paperback: http://hyperurl.co/g5yydi

The post Wild Collision is LIVE EARLY! appeared first on Author Micalea Smeltzer.

Wild Collision Excerpt

MIA’S POV

I don’t know how long we’re in the alley kissing, but finally he releases me. We’re both breathless. My lips feel swollen and bruised. I don’t mind one bit.

“Do you have to go home yet?” he asks, his voice low and husky. His eyes fall to my lips and he rubs his thumb against them. They’re tender, but I don’t mind his touch.

I shake my head.

He cracks a small smile. “Come to the hotel with me.”

“But the guys…” I hesitate.

“They already know about you. The nosy bastards figured it out without me saying a word.” I can tell he’s irritated by this fact, but they’re also his best friends so he can laugh about it.

“I don’t know…”

“We can watch a movie or something. Nothing more,” he explains, seeing where my mind is going. “We can order a pizza too—or whatever you want from room service.”

I think a moment longer before nodding. I’m not ready to go home yet. Spending more time with Hollis sounds nice. As much as I love kissing him, I enjoy hanging out with him even more, which shocks me. I never expected to like him. From the moment he walked out of my bathroom in nothing but a towel I’d made up my mind to hate him.

But hating Hollis is impossible.

We walk back to the hotel, too worried to hold hands, but close enough our fingers graze often. Some people, mostly college girls, eye him up and down. He’s hot, so it’s expected, but word has also gotten around about the new band in town recording their album. While most people in this town are over it and don’t care, The Wild is like a new shiny toy to be played with and admired.

I don’t know how famous people do it—enjoy being gawked at like a specimen under a microscope. Heck, even I’ve been gawked at and had paparazzi follow me even though I’m literally the most boring person on the planet. I don’t understand the obsession people have with celebrities, wanting to know every single detail about their lives, where they go, who their friends are, what they eat—give them a break and room to breathe. I saw a pap follow my dad into a public restroom once—he stormed out a second later and gave management a mouthful.

Hollis and I reach the hotel and ride up in the elevator together careful to stand apart and not say a word.

When he opens the door to their suite my mouth falls open.

“Whoa, this place is cool.”

Fox’s head whips over in our direction from the couch when he hears my voice.

“Yo, Mia, what are you doing here?”

“Hollis invited me for pizza and a movie.”

“Sweet—as long as it’s not a chick flick.”

I fake a yawn. “Pass.”

“Can I keep you?” Fox jokes making a kissy face at me.

Rush strides out of a room then in only a towel. As he passes Fox he whips it off and smacks him with it.

Hollis slaps his hands over my eyes, but it’s too late, I already got an eyeful.

“Pretty sure she’s already taken dude.”

“Rush,” Hollis hisses, “cover up, man.”

“What? Afraid she’ll see what I’m packing and come running?”

“It was impressive,” I admit with a laugh.

Hollis growls and mutters, “Don’t make me remind you what’s really impressive.”

I give him a sly smile as he lowers his hands. “I don’t know, sounds enjoyable.”

His eyes darken with desire.

“Not here,” Cannon warns coming into the room.

“Yeah, down boy,” I tell Hollis. “I’m here for pizza and a movie. If you don’t feed me I might bite.”

He lowers his head and whispers in my ear, “I wouldn’t mind.”

I can’t help but smile. Patting him on the chest, I say, “Now go order my pizza, peasant.”

All three of the other guys bust out laughing. “Peasant? More like he’s your bitch,” Fox chortles.

Hollis shakes his head, but his lips quirk in amusement. “What kind of pizza do you want?”

“Pepperoni.”

“A pepperoni pizza for milady coming right up,” he says bowing theatrically before slipping away.

I sit down on the couch beside Fox and swipe the remote from him.

“No chick flicks,” Rush warns coming out of his room to join us. At least he’s wearing pants now.

“What is it with you guys and chick flicks?” I mutter. “Afraid a little kissing and romance will make your dick shrivel up and die?”

“They’re boring,” Rush defends.

“Mhmm,” I hum. “Keep telling yourself that.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Cannon speaks up. “He’s bitching because he cried at Titanic.”

“It was one tear,” Rush defends in mock anger. “And Jack shouldn’t have died. He was the best character in the whole damn movie.”

Cannon smirks at him as Rush sits on my other side.

I log into my Netflix account. “We’re going to watch my favorite movie of all time,” I warn them.

“If Reese Witherspoon is in it giving legal advice I’m out,” Rush warns, raising his hands.

I snort. “Nope.”

I click the movie and the guys all breathe a collective sigh of relief. Pussies.

“Jurassic Park is your favorite movie?” Fox asks, sounding surprised.

“Dinosaurs and Jeff Goldblum … um yeah, it’s my favorite movie.”

“You have a crush on Jeff Goldblum?” Rush asks with amusement.

“Duh, have you seen him? Or listened to him speak? He could read me the dictionary and I’d happily sit there and listen.”

Rush chuckles. “How does Hollis feel about that?”

“How do I feel about what?” Hollis asks, stepping back into the room. He gets a disgruntled look when he sees Fox and Rush beside me, but then shakes his head as a determined smile takes over his face.

He strides over to me and I squeal as he picks me up and sits down with me in his lap.

“Mia, here, has a crush on Jeff Goldblum,” Fox explains.

“Really?” he asks, eyeing me with surprise.

“Why is this shocking?”

“I don’t know,” Hollis admits. “I guess it’s unexpected is all.”

“Can we watch the movie now?” I ask.

“Wait, we need popcorn,” Cannon says in his gruff voice, hopping up.

I don’t know why but I’m still always surprised when he opens his mouth. He’s broody and quiet all the time. When he shows any bit of enthusiasm for something it takes me by surprise.

As the movie begins Cannon pops popcorn in the suite’s kitchen making the room smell like buttery goodness and causing my mouth to water.

“I can’t believe you guys have popcorn here,” I mutter to Hollis.

He chuckles, the sound rumbling against my back as he holds me tight. “Only because Cannon is a mother hen and went to the grocery store the day after we got here to make sure we had everything we needed.”

“Better to be a mother hen than to starve,” Cannon defends from the kitchen.

“Shh, I want to watch the movie.”

Hollis pinches my side and whispers in my ear, “You started it.”

Preorder exclusively available at these three websites. It’s .99 cents and releases early on the 19th! But it’s ONLY available for preorder for them so snag it now before it goes into Kindle Unlimited. I did it this way so other readers would have a chance to get it.

Nook: http://hyperurl.co/arcf1k

iBooks: http://hyperurl.co/ncvpnx

Kobo: http://hyperurl.co/syunh1

Add on Goodreads https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36442902-wild-collision-the-wild-1

The post Wild Collision Excerpt appeared first on Author Micalea Smeltzer.

Wild Collision Teaser Tuesday #2

Ahhhh we’re nearly one week away from the Amazon release of Wild Collision! But if you read on iBooks, Nook, or Kobo you can preorder it now for .99 cents and get it early on the 19th instead of the 23rd! But you HAVE to preorder. It’ll be unpublished from those retailers after it goes live so I can release it on Kindle and Kindle Unlimited.

Nook: http://hyperurl.co/arcf1k

iBooks: http://hyperurl.co/ncvpnx

Kobo: http://hyperurl.co/syunh1

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36442902-wild-collision-the-wild-1

I have t-shirts and sweatshirts available now with the logo for The Wild so if you’d like to check those out click here.

The post Wild Collision Teaser Tuesday #2 appeared first on Author Micalea Smeltzer.

Wild Collision Teaser Tuesday #1

*slides into room* It’s #TEASERTUESDAY! You know what that means …. I finally get to start publicly teasing my next release Wild Collision. If you’re in my facebook group Micalea’s Minions then you’ve already had a few bites of it.

Wild Collision Cover Reveal!

*runs into room screaming* *jumps up and down*

Guys! Guys! GUUUUUYS! It’s cover reveal day! OMG! I cannot handle my excitement! I know I’ve had releases since I got sick, but because I was sick and so tired I could never feel that excited about it, if that makes sense. I didn’t feel like jumping for joy or screaming from the rooftops about them. But post-transplant I AM BACK and I’m ready to talk all things books with you guys starting with this epic cover reveal. I AM OBSESSED with this cover. I think it’s tied with Dark Hearts as my fave ever. It’s so different for me, sexy and mysterious, and just … perfect. This book is definitely different for me too. It’s very sexy. Very dirty. And who doesn’t love dirty sexy things amiright?

Let’s get on to what you really want. THE COVER.

Cover design: Regina Wamba

Cover Photo: Wander Aguiar 

 

He was a beautiful nightmare.  

 

Mia Hayes is comfortable with her life as it is.

Boring is good.

Boring is normal.

Boring is safe.

But the thing with boring is it makes temptation all the sweeter.

 

She was a sweet dream.

 

Hollis Wilder goes a hundred miles an hour after everything he wants.

Fast is fun.

Fast is crazy.

Fast is dangerous.

But the thing with fast is it keeps you from thinking before you act.

 

Together they were the notes in their favorite song.

 

When Mia and Hollis collide—literally—music’s new bad boy can’t help but notice the beautiful red-haired woman with soft curves. She calls to him like a siren, and since the word no isn’t in his vocabulary he’s determined to get what he wants.

 

The problem is, one night won’t be enough, and the fact that Mia is his mentor’s daughter complicates things royally.

 

Mia’s the one girl that’s off limits, but she might be the only one he wants for real.

 

 

Isn’t it gorgeous?! It’s so perfect for Mia and Hollis. The models. The colors. The glitch. THE FEELS. Not only am I obsessed with this cover, but I LOVE this book. I was so nervous to another rock star series, because I didn’t want it to be the same as Willow Creek, and I definitely think from this cover alone you can tell it’s NOT Willow Creek. (Though the Willow Creek guys make some appearances! And the band is working with Hayes so you see him a lot!) This book poured out of me and it felt so good for writing to be easy again. The brain fog from my kidney failure made it feel impossible at times to write and I missed my happy place.

Anyway, I hope you guys love the cover and share, share, SHARE the crap out of it.

Add on Goodreads

Preorder on these retailers for .99 cents! Early release on these retailers as well!

November 19th release 

B & N

iBooks Link coming soon

Kobo Link coming soon

 

Releasing November 23rd LIVE on Amazon and in Kindle Unlimited. (Will release sooner if it comes down from the above retailers quickly! Fingers crossed!)

 

Bloggers can sign up for the excerpt reveal and release blitz here.

The post Wild Collision Cover Reveal! appeared first on Author Micalea Smeltzer.

Chronic Kidney Disease and the effects of brain fog

You’re probably scratching your head and wondering why on Earth I’m talking about CKD on my author blog–but this is my platform so here I am. For those of you who don’t know I was diagnosed with CKD in May 2017. I was 23 at the time (25 now) and it changed a lot for me, but that’s something I’ll talk about in a future post. For now, I want to focus on brain fog and how it effects people with kidney failure. There’s not a lot out there about CKD and the symptoms/effects of it from the POV of a patient. I want to change that.

When my kidneys failed in 2017 I was at death’s door and had been experiencing symptoms for a long time, always making excuses and never thinking it was anything serious.

In fact I started experiencing the brain fog as early as 2012. I’d had sepsis in 2011 and blamed my short term memory loss on that. I’ve always had a really good memory–frustratingly so to those around me. Suddenly I couldn’t even remember what I ate for breakfast. Sometimes I’d forget complete conversations as soon as they happened. It was annoying, but at the time I didn’t think much about it thinking it was easily explained.

Then I started struggling to read.

I’ve always been a reader. I’d rather read than watch TV most of the time. But suddenly I couldn’t finish a single book. “I’m in a book funk,” I declared again, and again, and again. Sometimes I wish I could go back and shake myself for being dense. I went from reading over 100 books a year easily to struggling to read 40. Again, I blamed it on being in a funk, or picking the wrong books, or just not being in the mood. I had an explanation for everything and it made sense in my mind. It sucked not being able to read, though. It had always been a form of escape and now I found myself repulsed by books. Since I wasn’t able to get into anything I found myself avoiding books all together. Every now and then I’d stumble across something that captured my attention and sucked me in, but then it was right back to my funk. This started in 2013 for me and continued until I got a transplant August 2018.

In 2016 I began having trouble writing. Now, for me, writing has always been second nature. As easy as breathing. The words flow from me like my fingers know the words before my brain does. I don’t plan, I’m a pantster. I start with a general idea and the whole thing spirals into a book from there. But the words weren’t pouring from me like they once did. AGAIN, I made excuses–logical ones. “I’ve been putting out 6 books a year. I’m just tired.” “I need a break. I’m working too much.” “I’m not getting enough sleep.” On, and on, I went with these “logical” explanation. And they DID make sense–to me and even my family. We all dismissed the brain fog as easily as swiping a fly away. I went from writing a book in 4-6 weeks to at least 8 weeks. Then it started stretching longer. Then I started getting angry, with myself and my characters, that it was taking me so long. I’ve always naturally written fast. I’m so excited to write what I’m writing that I fly through it–then I’m so excited to move on to the next book that I start it without a breath in between. Writing lights my soul on fire and suddenly I felt like it was killing me. The most infuriating part came in 2017-2018 even after I started dialysis. The ideas would be there and I’d sit down to write, but they didn’t pour out of me like they used to. I’d write 50 words and stop. It’s like my brain would hit a wall, and where normally my fingers would keep moving, writing the story faster than my brain could keep up, I just … couldn’t remember, couldn’t get the words to come out that had been there a moment before. They were gone, like smoke in the air. For the first time writing started feeling like a JOB. Something I had to do to make money (since this is what I do full time) instead of what makes me happy with the money being a very nice bonus. Don’t get me wrong, I still wanted to write, but with it being so difficult it was a struggle and worked on me mentally and emotionally because I worried maybe it wasn’t making me happy anymore. Maybe this wasn’t my future like I always thought. Getting a transplant completely erased those worries but I’ll expand on that in a moment.

To back track a bit, before I got my diagnosis, but closer to that time I started doing REALLY stupid things. Not on purpose, but stuff that made no sense and I’d ask myself, “Micalea why’d you do that?” Some of the details are fuzzy now, either from the brain fog at the time or my own defense mechanism of blocking it, but I remember in late 2016 getting lost. I don’t even know where I was, just that I was in my car, and suddenly I couldn’t remember how to get somewhere. I wasn’t in an unfamiliar place either–I was in my home town. That was the first time I remember feeling SCARED and knowing in my gut something more must be going on. (And yet I continued to deny it out of pure stubbornness) I started making excuses to not drive, terrified it would happen again and I’d have to explain to someone what was happening. The last thing I wanted to admit was I thought I was losing my mind. After all I was 23 and I was getting LOST. That shouldn’t be happening. I also noticed when I did drive my mind would drift of its own accord and I just felt shakey driving. I knew I wasn’t safe on the road for myself or other people, so at some point I stopped driving all together. If I went somewhere someone had to drive me.

I can’t even begin to tell you how scary it is to feel like you’re losing your mind–and being too terrified to tell anyone. How do you possibly explain something like that without sounding like … well, like you’ve lost your mind.

So here I was struggling to write, to read, to drive, to basically function through the day. I felt like I was living a lie, pretending to be okay when I definitely wasn’t.

When I ended up in the ER and the nephrologist asked me if I was having trouble remembering things I gasped and said yes. She explained about the brain fog and I nearly cried with relief because I WASN’T crazy. It was this disease wreaking havoc on my body, filling my body with so many toxins my brain couldn’t even function. In fact, when she learned I’d still been writing and was an author she couldn’t get over how I’d done it. Looking back, I don’t know how I did ANY of it. Sheer force of will, I guess. I’ve always been too stubborn for my own good.

I’ll admit, after I started dialysis the brain fog got better, but I knew I still wasn’t functioning like normal. Reading was easier, but not like before, writing was still off, and I still occasionally couldn’t remember things. But it truly was nowhere near as bad.

Then I got a kidney–and I feel like crying as I write this and I felt like ME again. The ME I haven’t felt like since probably 2009-2010. That’s nearly TEN years ago. I can remember things again and not struggle to recall things. I’m reading like crazy (making up for lost time actually it seems like, lol) and writing … I planned on waiting a month or so after surgery to start writing again to give myself time to heal. But pretty immediate after surgery the book I knew I wanted to write next started screaming at me, demanding I write it, just like all my stories once did. I can’t tell you how amazing it’s felt to have the words stream onto the page and I don’t have to fight to get them out of my brain on paper. It’s beautiful. It’s a gift. A precious gift to get this kidney and be ME again.

I remember not too long ago my grandma asking me to try to explain how the brain fog feels and the only way I can accurately describe it (which I touched on above) is say you’re walking along, you’re going in one direction and know your destination, then suddenly there’s a wall in front of you and you don’t know how you got there or which way to go. It’s like you’re stuck. You stand there, trying to figure out where to go, what to do, but there are no thoughts. Just quiet. It’s like your brain is too tired to even form thought. So there’s nothing but emptiness and silence–and man I didn’t know silence could be so loud. Maybe brain fog isn’t like this for everyone but that’s how I felt.

Brain fog is a serious issue for CKD patients. We’re real people, with real lives, with jobs, and tasks to complete and the brain fog can make you do the most illogical things. I thanked my lucky stars every day I worked from home, could make my own hours, and didn’t have to work somewhere outside the home.

It’s yet another hurdle CKD patients have to push past, because you CAN’T let this disease take any more from you than it already does. The best you can do is make your own new kind of normal.

 

The post Chronic Kidney Disease and the effects of brain fog appeared first on Author Micalea Smeltzer.

Temptation Cover Reveal

It’s here! It’s here! The cover reveal for Temptation!

After the death of my boyfriend, my whole world is tossed upside down. I lose not only him but my home and, suddenly, nothing is the same.

Then I meet him.

Siva.

My savior.

He’s dark and brooding, the complete opposite of everything I’ve ever known. Somehow, though, I’m able to see the light in him that no one else can. He tempts me ever closer, my heart reaching out to him, even while my mind shouts out me to stay away.

That it’s too soon.

That it’s wrong.

But when temptation becomes too strong, who am I too resist?

Add on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41013850-temp-ta-tion

The post Temptation Cover Reveal appeared first on Author Micalea Smeltzer.