Marcus Lopes's Blog, page 51

Dream Power

It has been a difficult few weeks. With fall’s arrival, I had lost the bounce in my step. The hope that so often gleamed in my eyes had dimmed. I was tired. Exhausted, actually. I had been quietly battling the dark knight of misery, who was so eager to conquer my soul, pin me down. I had to face an inconvenient truth: depression had won out.
With the support and encouragement of friends, I weathered the storm. I went to see my doctor and am, for better or for worse (and I think for the better...

Musing #1

A Moment of Madness

In the beginning, there was absolute darkness. I was in that darkness, lost to a world to which I did not really belong. I didn’t belong in the way that I had hoped to, anyway. Like I mattered. Maybe I didn’t need to matter, not in an important sense, but metaphysically. Do you know what I mean? I’m not really sure that I do.
Somehow I had to find my way out of that darkness, but I couldn’t see the light. Not the way that I should have seen it. It was all such a blur, not ju...

What I Love About Life

It’s the Saturday of the Thanksgiving weekend (here in Canada), a cool, wet and grey day. While the temptation may have been strong to lollygag a little longer in bed this morning, or to pass the day parked on the sofa watching reruns of Murder, She Wrote, I decided to make the best of the day, despite its greyness. I made my coffee and wrote my Morning Pages. I read a couple of chapters from Julia Cameron’s The Sound of Paper, and then I set to work on my current work-in-progress. When I lo...

Ground Zero

The sun is shining. The air is warm. It is the perfect fall day. Seated on the terrace at Le Tassé, I have a view of Dolor-Biron Park a short distance away. The leaves on most of the trees are green with a tinge of yellow. High up there is a patch of red that is vibrant and bold. That reminds me of a time when I felt vibrant and bold, when I had a certain zest for life. Lately, I don’t feel alive in the world, or excited about much that life has to offer.
So this afternoon, smack-dab in the mi...

Spent: Depression and Me

Summer is spent. Mornings are chill. The days feel shorter. I’ve started running in the afternoon instead of the morning to soak up the afternoon sun. It’s late in the day as I write, and the sun is gone. A wall of clouds hovers high above. My kitchen window offers a view of the trees with more yellow leaves than green. In fact the branches of the tree have shed most of their leaves. The tree looks sickly. Fall is in the air.
In a way I, too, feel like I’m spent. It’s been a sort of sluggish...

Writing: I Needed a Pep Talk Today, So This is What I Said

I dream. I imagine that I live in a world where I can be daring, where I can — without the judgment of others, without asking for outside approval — be myself. It is a world where I can follow my heart’s true desire. It is a world where I can freely do what it is that I want to do and what I feel called to do. It is a world of hope and possibility.
I am a writer. I say that with conviction. It is, today, an affirmation of who I am. I am a writer — not because of my novel, Freestyle Love, not...

A Dry Drunk

In stark contrast to yesterday, the sun is shining, and there are very few clouds in the sky. Yesterday, cloudy and cool, mimicked my mood. I felt down, unnerved, like I was on the verge of courting depression. Today, the bright sun and warm, gentle breeze soothe my restless heart.
What I realized today was that, for some time now, I’ve been on a dry drunk. Although I wasn’t aware of it, I’ve been intoxicated by thoughts, relentless thoughts, of self-criticism. I’ve been raking myself over th...

Crossroads

How quickly the seasons seem to change! Not so long ago we were basking in the hot temperatures, and doing our best to survive the unbearable humidity. Today, I woke up to grey skies, and the Weather Network indicated that it was 12°C. The sun, which for a brief moment broke through the thick wall of clouds, goes to bed sooner, and the days feel shorter. Fall is in the air.
This morning around eleven, after a productive writing session, I went for a run. Despite the “coolness” of the day, I d...

Extremity | Inquiétude

[Le français suit l’anglais]

I have been particularly quiet of late. On Facebook. On Twitter. On my blog, An Unscripted Life of Words. And paired with that quietness has been a certain restlessness. I am in extremity.
Perhaps it’s not so much that I am in extremity, but it has kind of felt like that. I’ve felt like my wheels are spinning, that I’m moving along aimlessly, without a destination. But there is a destination —that hasn’t really changed. What haschanged is the trajectory. If I wish t...

Verbal Diarrhea: On Writing and Faith

In writing about faith and faithfulness earlier this month, I mentioned that I was having difficulty focusing my energy. That lack of focus is still present, unrelenting, and at times insufferable. I do my best regardless to show up at the page each day and write. The writing is slow going, but going nonetheless. I should be grateful, that I am able to write during this period of restlessness, but I want things to be “normal” again, when there was a perfect ebb and flow to my days, when I was...