Matador Network's Blog, page 2175

10 memories you'll have of S Africa

Photo: April Killingsworth

1. You remember the 1995 Rugby World Cup victory.

You’ll never forget the sound of the final whistle blowing. The new South African flag was painted on your face, your voice was hoarse from cheering, and you wore your Springbok jersey for the next two weeks. Leon Schuster’s “Hie Kommie Bokke” is still one of your favorite songs.

2. Wearing shoes always felt like a punishment.

Shoes were optional and you always opted out. You didn’t care if your feet were dirty or thorn ridden. You went to school, the grocery store, and church (if you could get away with it) barefoot.

3. You could swim before you could walk.

You came from the womb and basically landed in a swimming pool. You wore your bathing suit under all your clothes just in case you had the opportunity to go swimming somewhere. You loved pool noodles and hated the ‘creepy crawly’.

4. You loved Dirkies.

Sweet, sweet Dirkies. Condensed milk in a convenient squeeze tube? Ummm, yes please!

5. You collected silkworms, tadpoles, and shongololos (and named them all).

Other than the dogs, cats, bunnies, turtles, chicks, and birds you had as pets, you collected every kind of insect you could get your hands on. One of your favorite games was picking the best leaves to put in the shoebox and arranging sticks to make the silkworms feel at home.

6. Most of your income came from the tooth mouse.

You didn’t grow up with a magical tooth fairy. The tooth mouse was a great source of income for you, and you managed to save enough money to buy Simba chips and Fresca from the snoepie at school thanks to that little guy.

7. You loved being carried on your nanny’s back.

Why sit on a hip or in a stroller when you could be carried on someone’s back, wrapped in a blanket?

8. You had to chase away monkeys.

You were probably caught off guard the first time a monkey had the audacity to approach you at a picnic spot in Kruger National Park. You concluded from a young age that, as cute as they might look, monkeys are thieves.

9. You could never eat enough meat.

Every braai consisted of at least 3-4 different types of meat, and you left salad and bread out of the equation if you could help it.

10. You thought your school uniform was better than everyone else’s.

None of them were pretty, but you still think that your school uniform was more fashionable than your rival school’s uniform. Your socks were pulled up to your knees, your hair was tied back, your nails were cut short, your dress / shorts were the appropriate length, and your collar was down.

10 dates people from Queens go on

Photo: Gretchen Ludwig

1. The Coffee Shop Date

Queens residents love their caffeine, and as such, we’ve got plenty of cozy coffee houses that set the scene for an awkward, alcohol-free first date. Rookies to the Queens dating scene will make plans to meet up at The Queens Kickshaw before realizing that the wait time on a weekend is likely to last longer than the actual date. Seasoned veterans head to the less crowded Cafe de Cupping — because nothing seals the deal like splitting a piece of their homemade honey bread, am I right?

2. The Nosebleed Mets Game Date

We like to do things on the cheap here in Queens, mostly because we’re used to being spoiled by dollar stores and discount food markets galore. So when your date says he’s taking you out to the ballgame, chances are you’re going to be way, way up in the stands. Still, it’s kind of fun to figure out what’s actually going on way down there in the field, and you’ll be seated closer to the Shake Shack (which is the best thing about Citi Field anyway).

3. The Look at that View Date

Queens has no shortage of stellar views, from the NYC city skyline as seen from Long Island City, the breathtaking bridges near Astoria Park, or the Four Freedoms Park views from Roosevelt Island. You’ve gotta give this date props — not only is it completely free, but nothing sets the mood for a first kiss quite like nighttime views overlooking the water.

4. The Hipster Wannabe Date

Whether you’re a Queens girl dating a real-life hipster from Brooklyn or an authentic hipster living in Queens for the quick commute and cheap rent, there are some solid hipsteresque options in this borough that will make you feel like you’re in a scene from Girls. Sweet Afton has all the craft cocktails and organic ingredients your “green” little heart could possibly desire. Or you can show off your beard and admire each other’s plaid at LIC bar.

5. The Local Music Date

Chances are good that one of you knows someone who knows someone who has a friend who’s in a band that plays in Queens, which is the perfect reason to ask your date to join you as you awkwardly sway to the music together at Dominie’s, The Quays, or Rèst-âü-Ránt. Props if your date can pronounce “Quays” correctly.

6. The Beer Garden Date

It’s impossible to live and date in Queens and not end up at Bohemia Hall at some point. If your date is a sports buff, you’ll probably be roped into watching the game live at Studio Square. Whiskey enthusiasts will most likely push for a date at The Strand, where craft cocktails are created and surprisingly affordable BBQ is served to order.

7. The Bar Crawl Date

For those of us who can’t even imagine getting through a date without being sufficiently sauced, the bars that line Austin Street will make for a memorable first date — even if you can’t actually remember it. Bonus points if the crawl lowers your inhibitions enough to down the delicious mix of pepper jack, jalapeños, and chipotle mayo that is the Asshole Burger in front of your new boo.

8. The Brewery Date

Queens is home to five breweries, three of which are happy to give craft-beer enthusiasts a tour of their digs, with sips to try along the way. Win your date over with your knowledge of hops while touring SingleCut Beersmiths. If you’re looking for something exotic, the Rye Saison with Garam Masala from Big Alice Brewing, is sure to please.

9. The Intellectual Museum Date

The idea of heading to a museum on a date might sound snooze-worthy, but when our borough boasts places like the Museum of Moving Image, where exhibits include the original Mrs. Doubtfire mask, or an actual moving exhibition choreographed at the MoMA PS1, we don’t find ourselves waiting for it to all be over.

10. The Let’s Eat Something Outrageous Date

Queens is home to some of the most delicious, authentic, outrageous foods in all of NYC — so even if the date is slightly painful, at least you’ll be eating well. Split a whole Branzino at Taverna Kyclades, slurp soup dumplings at the original Joe’s Shanghai, or brave the obscure specialties served up by Chef Ali at Kabab Cafe. The options are endless, which is hopefully not how you end up describing your date.

My dog makes me a better traveler

Photo: Justin Kern

As I read Benoit Denizet-Lewis’s amusing Travels with Casey: My Journey Through Our Dog-Crazy Country, I thought of my own experiences traveling with Mr. Fluff, a five-year-old Pomeranian rescue and the first dog I’ve ever owned.

In the two years we’ve been together, Mr. Fluff has changed my life in countless ways, especially my relationship to travel. For one thing, before I had a dog, I used to be able to decide whether to take a trip mostly on whim. Those days are gone. Now when I begin researching a vacation, my first question is, “Can I drive there, so the dog can come?” Followed closely by, “Who’s going to watch him while I’m gone?”

In Denizet-Lewis’s book, the author recounts his visits with several canine-obsessed Americans, as well as pet psychics, pet rescuers, and “Dog Whisperer” Cesar Millan — all taking place during a four-month driving trek around the continental US in a rented RV.

When I hit the road with my dog, it’s in a somewhat smaller vehicle than a hulking RV, specifically my candy-blue Ford Fiesta. Luckily Mr. Fluff doesn’t need much room. In fact, he seems quite content in the back seat, covered in a soft beach towel. But then, he seems to have an affection for any kind of car, so much so that whenever I walk him, he’s liable to jump into any open car door if I’m not paying attention.

The first time I went on a long-distance trip with my dog, I threw in a few of his favorite toys to keep him occupied, but it turned out he much preferred games of his own invention: snapping at dust particles in the air, or stretching up against the passenger door so he can see out the window.

Given all the extra considerations involved while traveling with your dog, why do it? Because when I’m away without Mr. Fluff, I crave his presence.

Over the course of our journeys, I’ve learned a few things about pet travel I’d never noticed before, for example, that the pet-friendly chain motel La Quinta seems basically to exist to give people like me a place to stay with their pets. (Upon first entering our room there, Mr. Fluff, who’s fastidious about toileting outside, immediately trotted over to one of the curtains, took a few determined sniffs, then lifted his leg to mark his turf.)

I’ve also learned how few businesses allow you to bring your dog inside with you. Driving through unfamiliar towns, I’m always on the lookout for restaurants with outdoor seating. I’ve even developed a bit of a sixth sense for detecting establishments where the workers either don’t know the no-pets rules or cheerfully ignore them, as at a certain outlet store in Georgia, where a clerk told me, “We only allow service animals in here.” And then with a wink she added, “He’s a service animal, right?”

I suppose it helps that my dog is small and objectively speaking rather cute, sometimes mistaken for a puppy — though I get the sense, in his own mind, Mr. Fluff thinks he’s a lion. His favorite type of vacation is a visit to a national park, where he likes to chase squirrels, chipmunks, field mice, and even deer. Once, on a foggy night in Shenandoah National Forest, Mr. Fluff, on an extension leash, darted into the mist behind the cabin where we were staying. Thinking he was after what Mitt Romney would term “small, small varmints if you will,” I ran after him, only to find the object of his frenzied barking was a medium-sized black bear, so spooked by my 15-lb dog that it ran up a tree.

Given all the extra considerations involved while traveling with your dog, why do it? Because when I’m away without Mr. Fluff, I crave his presence. His routines of walking, eating, even pooping have become so much a part of mine that his absence leaves a hole. In the middle of a hike or a museum visit, I’ll stop and think, “I wonder what Mr. Fluff is doing.” During a recent trip to Europe, I found one of the highlights of my day was getting an email with a picture of Mr. Fluff guarding one of his chew toys.

Having my dog with me when I travel makes me much more present, more aware of my surroundings. Maybe his example of immersing himself in whatever place he’s in, sniffing the ground, ears pricked, eyes wide, somehow inspires me to follow his example, to forget where I’ve been and where I’m going, and focus more keenly on where I am.

And if that makes me one of the dog-crazy Americans Denizet-Lewis lovingly describes in his travelogue, then I gladly plead guilty.

7 memories of San Diego

Photo: Nathan Rupert

1. Learning how to share on a San Diego beach

As a kid, no matter how spectacular my sand castles came out, there was always another 8-year old down the beach with wrecking balls for hands and nine ounces of snot hanging from his lip. He’d waddle toward my pending masterpiece and ask to help construct it. In congruence with my mother’s stern assertions to share and against my inner Frank Lloyd Wright, I’d acquiesce. Twenty years later I’d thank her for those constant assertions. She’d taught me to share the sand. As a surfer, I learned to share the waves. And as a human, I learned to share the ocean with its most amicable inhabitants.

Rewards have included: new friends, perfect surf sets, occasionally awaiting those sets within arm’s reach of a curious dolphin or seal — and knowing that the only things that are “mine” on these beaches are my board and my memories.

2. Biting into a homecoming San Diego burrito after a long trip

The sun is a siren here. She will lure you from beneath your roof nearly every morning onto mountain bikes, dirt bikes, hikes, surfboards, or sailboats to bask in her glory until she tires herself out at dusk. The key to outlasting her amidst the day’s endless activities is San Diego’s own California Burrito.

The 1.5-pound, calorie-loaded behemoth can be found at any of San Diego’s ubiquitous taco shops. It consists of carne asada, cheese, french fries, sour cream, a tortilla the size of a parachute, and a nourishing sense of victory that whispers carpe diem from your insides upon finishing.

Within just three days of being away, my gut begins going through withdrawals. So the first thing I eat within 20 minutes of stepping off a plane is always a burrito. They just taste like home. They’re also rad for curing hangovers.

3. Witnessing video game violence on your streets

Years before my generation would numb itself on the digital carnage of Grand Theft Auto III — ripping hijacked tanks across pixelated streets — Shawn Scott Nelson did it in real life. I remember watching the live news coverage from home, in horror and astonishment with eyes as gaped as my jaw. I was far from numb.

In May 1995, the 35-year-old Army Veteran lost his proverbial shit, thieved a tank from the National Guard Armory, and tore through suburban San Diego. Over the course of 23 minutes, he crushed everything in his path to the 163 Freeway, where he ultimately rendered the tank immobile on the median trying to roll into oncoming traffic. Police eventually busted the tank’s hatch open, shot Nelson, and dragged him out of the 57-ton weapon. He later died in the hospital as the only casualty.

4. Believing that a commercial airliner might land on you

I was still swigging on a baby bottle when Top Gun was filmed on location here. And though it’s been nearly three decades since Maverick and Goose sliced up the blue sky in F-14 fighter jets, aircraft theatrics are still very much alive in San Diego airspace — mostly on account of the concrete gauntlet that commercial planes run in order to touch down at San Diego International Airport.

Ranked as one of the most dangerous in the US, the airport sits on a harbor just west of Downtown. Pilots flying in are tested by a drastically steep descent over the eastern mountains, hungry skyscrapers, and the edge of California that abruptly ends in the ocean. In order to make it all work, they’re forced to fly incredibly close to everything on the way. As a passenger, you feel horrified and curious at the same time, it’s a rush. They might not be barrel rolling at 3-Gs, but those pilots do know how to make an entrance.

5. Debating the pronunciation of San Diego’s highest peak

At 1,593 feet it’s definitely no Shasta or Mammoth, but Cowles Mountain can claim the title as one of the most popular hiking spots in California. Over a hundred hikers summit the mass of hot, sage-covered granite each day — a clear testament to the stunning views of Downtown, La Jolla, the Pacific, and Mexico that greet you at the top. Nobody debates its beauty, but they can’t agree on its name.

Some pronounce Cowles Mountain like “bowels.” Others pronounce it like “bowls.” And while this may seem like an innocent “Tomāto” vs. “Tomäto” paradigm, I feel obliged to pronounce it in the latter form on account of the history.

The story goes that George Cowles settled in San Diego in 1877 to begin career ranching. In his success, he established Cowles Town, Cowles School, Cowles Spring, and Cowles Mountain. With his efforts, the area now known as Santee began flourishing. His ranching business had become very wealthy and he had just completed railway negotiations before his death, due to an intestinal ailment.

Shortly after his death, his wife remarried a real-estate developer by the name of Milton Santee. With newly acquired wealth behind him, Santee changed everything named Cowles to Santee, and attempted to permanently change the name of Cowles Mountain to Black Mountain. After all of the turmoil the Cowles name has been through, I feel compelled to pronounce it the way George himself would have.

6. Telling people with pride that Blink-182 is from your hometown

Regardless of where you stand on the spectrum of musical preference, it’s hard to deny that hearing Blink-182’s “Dammit” doesn’t light a fire in you. In 1997, I was just entering my own personal phase of pubescent rebellion, and “Dammit” was my adrenaline-infused anthem.

When my brother brought the album into my room and told me they were from San Diego, I got excited. When I first heard the album, I went absolutely ape-shit and punk-Footloosed in my room for hours until the neighbors complained. My dad even had to cut power to my stereo via the circuit breaker outside to shut me up. It didn’t matter though. At 13, to feel like someone ‘got me’ through crusty chords and throaty vocals meant the world. They were from San Diego, and so was I. It meant that I would be all right.

Twelve years later, I moved to Australia for a year. A bit scared and a bit alone in the first few days of my new residence, I found myself drinking in a bar. Eventually somebody threw “Dammit” on the jukebox, and the whole crowd erupted to sing the lyrics in unison. I smiled and immediately knew again that I would be all right.

7. Realizing how much you love San Diego

There are moments when you’ll smile until your face hurts. Sometimes they’ll happen when you’re zipping up the 5 freeway with the Pacific over your shoulder and sea air charging in through your open windows. Or when you’re with someone you love, buzzed on the sun and a tableful of the city’s finest craft beers. Sometimes they’ll happen when you see the Sea World fireworks flash through the black satin sky on their nightly summer routine.

It might hit you when you’re huffing down Taco Tuesday tacos with your best friends, or when you’re sitting on the beach alone on Christmas, thinking about the friends and family who used to share the day with you.

Either way, you know these moments of realization are the physiological result of your heart, telling your brain, to tell your face how much you love this place.

Lies you tell yourself: Peace Corps

Photo: Sam Fox Photography

1. You’re going to save the world.

Let’s just get this one out of the way early. We know your philanthropic heart has the best of intentions and there is no doubt you will do some amazing things and deeply affect the lives of the individuals where you serve — but you are no messiah.

When it’s all over, you’ll wonder whether or not your community would be much different if you hadn’t showed up at all. This is a scary thought — realizing we can’t single handedly rid the world of pestilence, poverty, and corruption. Coming to terms with this reality and doing all you can with what you’re given — that’s what you need to do to make this experience a rewarding one.

2. You will become fluent in a foreign language and use it forever and ever.

Languages are hard. No matter how many little flash cards you make or how many times you invite yourself over to your neighbor Dorj’s yurt for a chat session, two years isn’t enough time to become fluent. Even when you become an advanced speaker, there are going to be days when you’re sitting on Dorj’s couch spaced out and twiddling your thumbs because you have no clue what is going on in the livestock-themed conversation everyone is having around you.

When all is said and done, it’ll be awesome that you learned Mongolian, or that super rare dialect of Thai they only speak in the northern highlands, but back home it’s going to be more novel than practical. You’ll be speaking it to yourself just as a reminder of what it sounds like.

3. Everyone in your host country will love you.

It’s safe to say some will hate you. Like irrational, ignorant, yell-in-your-face, hate. Not everyone will know the self sacrifice you’ve made or that warm charity in your heart. You’ll be singled out time and time again, merely for just being an outsider. You’ll be ripped off at local markets, challenged to drunken brawls, and discriminated against on the regular.

During times like those, stay close to the friends you’ve already made and the people who are striving to understand you. That’s what will make putting up with the haters worth it.

4. All of your at home friendships and relationships will stay the same.

As much as it will feel like you’re stuck in some foreign time warp, you’re not. People back home will march through their own lives while you’re away. Friends will go on to graduate school, move away for work, get married, have kids. Just like your experience abroad will grow and change you, their lives will continue to develop and change them. Don’t expect to come home and chum it up at the same old bar in your same old town just like the days of yore.

You may always be friends, but things will never be how they were. And even if they are, then chances are you won’t be sticking around much longer again, anyways.

5. You will remain strong.

No. No, you won’t.

It doesn’t matter what kind of stoic unemotional robot you were before, eventually you’re going to crack. You’ll pull your hair out when no one shows up for that community meeting it took months to plan. You will grit your teeth in anger when that goat chews through your home’s power line for the third time in one night. You’ll throw an All-American temper tantrum when your ride accidentally leaves you stranded three towns over. And you will absolutely cry like the emotional blubbering wreck that you are when it’s finally time for you to go home, and your entire community comes together to show you how much they appreciated and loved you all along.

6. Everyone back home will care about your service.

Of course your friends and family will be proud. They’ll brag about what you’re doing and where you’re living, but they’ll never fully grasp the gravity of it all — the connections you’re going to make, the things you’re going to see, and the hardships you’re going to endure.

After about a week of being home, after you’ve caught up with all those people you left behind, that thing you did in that country far away will be old news. Try not to get too offended when you start a story with, “This one time, in the Peace Corps…,” and you get nothing but eye rolls. Keep your friends from service close, save it for them, no one will quite understand your story like they will.

7. You’ll be the same person when you get back.

You can entertain this illusion. Maybe you liked that job you left. Maybe you loved that thing you studied. Maybe you’ll go back to it all once your service is all over.

Whatever you decide it’s a safe bet to say that you’re going to view the world completely differently after service. You’ll be humbled and revitalized — the things you found exciting before will seem mundane when you return. Try as you might, you’re going to be a different person, and those two years of service are going to be a big part of the person you will become. You’ll have a new sense of ambition.

Go ahead and embrace it. Run from the monotonous and the routine. Chase your next adventure and your next life-changing experience.

It's easier to be black in Asia

Image by Ben Ranal

I ALMOST LOST A BRAID from my head once, while waiting in line at a department store in Jecheon, South Korea. An older woman behind me had reached across her shopping cart to hold one of my extensions in her hand, but she didn’t let go when I moved forward to put my toothpaste on the conveyor. “Chin-cha moor-ee?!” Real hair?! She asked, finally relinquishing the strand.

The others in line didn’t hide their curiosity either. A little boy pointed from the front seat of his cart, grasping a handful of his mother’s shirt in his fist. She looked too. They were all waiting for my answer.

When I was the new kid at Roy Cloud School in Redwood City, one of the first things the boys asked me was if I was a gang member back in San Francisco, because “we heard there are lots of gangs up there.” I was twelve. It was a simple 40-mile move to the San Mateo County suburbs, but questions like this made me feel like an immigrant — as if I had crossed oceans and came onshore an alien.

The sixth grade class had less than 50 students and I was the only black kid on the roster. For the first week, the popular girls sat around me at lunch and asked questions about my long braids. I would have been much happier talking about MTV, or the American Girl book series, or places I wanted to see one day. I was engrossed with becoming the next Sarah Chang, but I never had the opportunity to share my preteen obsessions with anyone because I was constantly fielding questions about the locks on my head.

“How does it work? I mean, how is it attached?”

“So how long is your hair, really?”

“It’s so beautiful, too bad it’s not your real hair.”

“I didn’t know black people could grow hair that long.”

“Is one of your parents white?”

“Do you have Indian in your family?

In South Korea, I’ll ride the bus home from school and look up to discover several of my braids floating lifelike around my head. The ajumma next to me, the two behind me, and the one across the aisle will have their hands in my hair. They’ll lift the braids closer to their eyes for inspection. They’ll feel its texture between their fingertips and murmur to one another.

One night while paying for dinner at a ramen restaurant, the cook took one of my braids hanging down near her hands, and was so fascinated that she began to pull my head over the countertop by that single strand.

The children who I teach here are a little bit younger than my Roy Cloud classmates were. They point their fingers at lunch when I stand in line.

“A-foo-ree-kah! A-foo-ree-kah!” they chant.

Several years after Roy Cloud, my friend Erica told me that she was jealous of me when I was the new kid.

“Everyone thought your hair was so beautiful. The popular girls wouldn’t stop talking about it,” she said.

“It got old to them really fast,” I said. “But I still felt like a weirdo.”

The difference between then and now is that I know I will not fit in as a foreigner. As the new kid at school, and when I moved to new cities in my twenties, I played my part and tried to be less new and more regular.

As a foreigner, I’m liberated from trying to be normal. I will never be normal in South Korea. The women will keep putting their hands in my hair and pulling it out at the roots. The novelty won’t wear off like it did at the cafeteria table when I was twelve. It’s much easier to be touched by strangers when the novelty of my skin and the texture of my hair is just that, novel, unlike those times at home when questions were loaded with all kinds of hurt and history.

Outside the borders of home, I’m just a brown person with an American passport in a homogenous land. I’m not walking some color line in Korea, or maybe, I just refuse to. I find that so much easier. It’s so much easier to let them feel for themselves my hair and my countenance because we do not speak the same language. They feel for themselves the difference between our skin and hair textures. They hear the Californian cadence in my voice, and smell the Korean shampoo in the hair I paid 180,000 won for. I like being known that way. I am no longer trying. I am more comfortable in my skin — 10,000 miles from home — than I have ever been.

Now — once the hidden parts of myself boil over onto the street — I sway my hips to the beat of my music while standing at a stop light. I sing the loudest on norebang nights. I take photographs of everything that catches my eye because I’ve found that I love to capture life candidly. How annoying would life be, if it tried to strike a pose every time you looked it in the eye?

37 things an Ohioan won't say

Photo: Valerie Hinojosa

1. “What’s the point of high school football?”

2. “I’ve never seen a suburb in my entire life.”

3. “You know, all Ohio State games are equally important to me.”

4. “I have no opinion on Cincinnati chili.”

5. “No, I don’t know anyone with German ancestry.”

6. “My favorite thing about this city is the quality of the public transportation.”

7. “Sure, I like the Bengals and Browns equally. The Steelers are great, too.”

8. “Describe the Ohio River in one word? I’d probably have to go with ‘pristine.’”

9. “Look, we all have to make tough choices in our careers. I totally respect all of LeBron’s.”

10. “God, back in grade school we just couldn’t stop getting snow days.”

11. “I’ve just spent so little of my life in a car.”

12. “Why would you call it BW3’s? There’s no third W in Buffalo Wild Wings.”

13. “Yeah, Dazed and Confused just didn’t ring at all true for me.”

14. “You know, I think North Carolina has the better claim to being ‘The Birthplace of Aviation.’”

15. “Ranch dressing and pizza just don’t go together well.”

16. “Ugh. Graeter’s is disgusting.”

17. “What comes after O-H?”

18. “Could we talk about something else? I’m just so sick of hearing about sports and the weather.”

19. “Yeah, could I have a small soda? Thanks.”

20. “I just don’t see the appeal of corn mazes.”

21. “I went to college, but I had to go out of state. There were just no good options near me.”

22. “Yeah, I’ve been to Halloween at OU. It was a bit dull.”

23. “Sure, I have a car, but I don’t really need it.”

24. “You know, Kings Island is great, but sometimes the other visitors there are just too classy, you know what I mean?”

25. “Why would anyone ever want to kill a deer?”

26. “I just don’t take it that hard when my team loses.”

27. “No, I have no idea where the Wendy’s fast-food chain started.”

28. “I just feel so neglected come election season.”

29. “That Glee show, right? Spot on.”

30. “I wish our local radio station would try to find more conservative voices.”

31. “You ever feel like you just don’t have enough options when it comes to picking a church?”

32. “A lakefront doesn’t count as a beach.”

33. “Ah — dammit — it’s right on the tip of my tongue… who was the first guy to set foot on the moon again?”

34. “I just don’t see any reason our party should involve fireworks.”

35. “House parties just weren’t a thing for us in high school.”

36. “What’s tailgating?”

37. “You know, I’ve heard of ‘soccer moms,’ but I just never seem to see any.”

10 things to know about Turkey

Photo: Safia Osman

YOU’VE HEARD ABOUT the endless glasses of tea, the kebabs, and how to haggle in the bazaar, bBut if you really want to get under the country’s skin, here are ten less commonly known things about life and culture in Turkey.

1. Not all Turkish men have mustaches.

This Turkish stereotype is remarkably persistent (see picture above!)

While you might see members of the older generation sporting a mustache, young Turks are more likely to be clean-shaven.

2. There aren’t any camels.

In Turkish holiday resorts it’s not unusual to see a couple of camels lined up strategically outside the tourist attractions, waiting to be photographed. Like apple tea, someone discovered that tourists like them. Turkey doesn’t have a desert, and it doesn’t have any (native) camels either.

3. The official language is Turkish.

The only official language of Turkey is Turkish, although other languages spoken by minority groups include Arabic and Kurdish.

Turkish is part of the Turkic language family; similar languages are spoken in Azerbaijan and Central Asian countries such as Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan.

Turkish is not related to Arabic, although the two languages have some words in common. Although most Turks are Muslim, they are not Arabs.

4. Every meal is a barbeque opportunity.

Breakfast, lunch or dinner: the grill can be used at any time of day. Picnics are also popular in Turkey and the portable mangal (barbeque) usually comes along.

There’s also a whole restaurant format devoted to the barbeque: called kendin pişir kendi ye: cook it yourself; eat it yourself. At the table you’ll get a pre-heated barbeque and a plate of raw meat. The rest is up to you.

5. Turkish soap operas are huge.

Local studios churn out dizi (soap operas) at an impressive rate. Almost every Turkish region has its own soap opera. Most socializing in Turkey is done at home, and watching soap operas is a favorite pastime.

Turkish soap operas are not only popular inside the country; they are also watched throughout the Arab world and Central Asia. These shows have even been credited for an increase of Arab tourism in the country.

6. Turkish people are extremely hospitable.

If a Turkish person invites you to their house after you’ve known them for half an hour, don’t panic.

Turks are incredibly friendly and hospitable and as a misafir (guest), you are highly valued. Many will consider it an honor if you accept an invitation to visit them. Once inside, you will be plied with food and strong black çay or Turkish coffee.

7. Turkish people are also very inquisitive.

A typical conversation with a Turkish person you’ve just met might go something like this: “What country are you from?… Are you married?… Is your husband / wife Turkish?… Do you have children?… How old are you?”

If you come from a different culture these might seem like very personal questions. Compared to other nationalities, Turkish people are much more comfortable talking freely about personal details, even with someone they don’t know well.

8. Until recently, wearing a headscarf was forbidden in public buildings.

That meant that a girl who wore a headscarf could not attend university. Some found ways around this, such as by wearing wigs. Thanks to new regulations, it is now a matter of personal choice. The proportion of women wearing a headscarf varies depending on which city or even which part of town you’re in. Interestingly, a recent study by ESI showed that while most Turks think headscarf wearing is on the rise, the percentage of Turkish women who cover their heads actually decreased from 73% in 1999 to 64% in 2006.

9. Like Tarkan? There’s more where he came from.

Like soap operas, Turkish pop music is popular throughout the region. Other homegrown musicians to look out for include Sezen Aksu and Öykü & Berk, who are pioneering their own brand of Turkish flamenco. For something a bit edgier, try Orient Expressions or Mercan Dede.

10. Don’t mention Midnight Express.

I asked a couple of Turkish friends about the questions and stereotypes they encounter most when they travel outside Turkey, and this is possibly the one that makes them cringe the most. The screenwriter of Midnight Express has apologized for the film’s negative portrayal of the Turkish people, but Turks feel they have to explain to the world that you shouldn’t believe everything you see at the movies.

This article was originally published on April 14th, 2010.

12 stunning Utah landscapes [pics]

1. Wasatch Mountains

Photo: Scott Sporleder

Photo: BUBBACAYMAN

Photo: Steve Jurvetson

Photo: Scott Sporleder

The Wasatch Range, which runs north-south from the border with Idaho down into the center of the state, can be considered “Utah’s mountains” — a full 85% of the state’s residents live within 15 miles of these peaks. They grace the eastern skylines of Salt Lake City and the other major population centers of the Salt Lake Valley.

The Wasatch is also where you’ll find your favorite Utah ski resorts, from Beaver Mountain in the north to Sundance in the south, and everything in between (which happens to include top-rated mountains like Snowbasin, Deer Valley, Park City, Alta, Snowbird, and a half-dozen others). But as you can see in the images above, this landscape is worth exploring year round, and with such easy access from Logan, Ogden, Orem, Provo, and Salt Lake City, among other jumping-off points, you can keep going back for more.

2. Canyonlands National Park

Photo: Chao Yen

Photo: Chao Yen

Photo: david Woodruff

Canyonlands is aptly named. This 337,500-acre national park covers a tremendous expanse of southeast Utah, a short drive from Moab, and protects the canyons of the mighty Colorado and Green Rivers both above and below their confluence. You’ll find many other iconic Utah rock formations here as well: arches, buttes, mesas.

Many visitors to Canyonlands come specifically for the rivers — Cataract Canyon, just downstream from the Confluence, is one of America’s premier whitewater destinations. But there are also truly epic hiking, climbing, and backcountry exploration options in the other three sections of this massive national park: Island in the Sky, the Needles, and the Maze. The vastness of Canyonlands alone underscores the “mighty” in Utah’s Mighty 5® national parks.

3. Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument

Photo: Wolfgang Staudt

Photo: John Fowler

Photo: Ken Lund

Photo: faungg’s photo

As big as Canyonlands is, it’s dwarfed by the 1.8 million acres that make up Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument, the largest national monument in the country. This region abuts Lake Powell to the south, Capitol Reef National Park to the north, Bryce Canyon National Park to the west, and is proximate to both I-15 and I-70. So getting there is easy…deciding which section to explore, not so much.

Start with one of America’s most scenic drives, State Route 12. This All-American Road is at its best between the towns of Boulder and Escalante and passes over many of the creeks and other waterways that cut through the colorful stone landscape. From there, try canyoneering in the Canyons of the Escalante Area, hike among hoodoos and arches in the Devil’s Garden, check out the slot canyons and Native American petroglyphs along the Paria River — the possibilities are endless.

4. Arches National Park

Photo: Jim Trodel

Photo: Greg Willis

Photo: Steve Harbula

An estimated 2,000+ sandstone arches, formed as a result of the area’s unique geology and millions of years of erosion, give this national park north of Moab its name. A number of these arches and other formations have become so archetypal (and so well photographed) that they’re recognizable on sight, including those seen above: Double Arch, Balanced Rock, and Delicate Arch, respectively. And still, mere photos can never do them justice.

The Moab area is probably most often associated with its world-class mountain biking (Watch: Moab is a bikers’ playground); incredible climbing, backpacking, and whitewater rafting round out the region’s adventure activities.

5. Monument Valley

Photo: John Fowler

Photo: Bettina Woolbright

Photo: Yuya Sekiguchi

Speaking of iconic landscapes — if you identify one horizon with the “American West,” it’s likely this one. Monument Valley straddles the Utah-Arizona border near the Four Corners. You’ll get the best views by driving south on Highway 163 in Utah (as in photo #3 above).

The sandstone buttes, which rise as tall as 1,000 feet, are typically only observed from the road (and from behind the lens), but there are plenty of options for getting closer. Just note that a small chunk of this part of Utah falls within Monument Valley Navajo Tribal Park, and some hikes require a guide.

6. Bryce Canyon National Park

Photo: Todd Petrie

Photo: Srikanth Jandhyala

Photo: Maureen

Photo: Robert Montgomery

A vast natural amphitheater, full of hoodoos naturally carved from red-and-white-striped rock, ringed by forests of spruce and pine, with some of the darkest night skies in America — this is Bryce Canyon, and it’s most definitely a landscape you’ll find nowhere else.

Get a feel for the park via the 13-viewpoint scenic drive, and then dig into a day hike on the Rim Trail, Navajo Loop, or Tower Bridge routes. Longer backcountry treks are also possible. In winter, the cover of snow changes everything, and you can see it all from a fresh perspective on snowshoes or cross-country skis.

7. Bonneville Salt Flats

Photo: Dan Kunz

Photo: Andrew Smith

Photo: Andrew_Carter786

An ancient lake far larger than today’s Great Salt Lake once dominated Utah’s Great Basin. The Bonneville Salt Flats, due west of Salt Lake City, remain as evidence of its existence and create one of North America’s most notable landscapes. Flanked by the Silver Island Range to the north, the salt spills out for miles in a radiant white carpet (in winter, when standing water collects on the salt pan, the effect is mirror-like).

For the past 100 years, the unique characteristics of this terrain have drawn speed enthusiasts seeking to test the limits of technology and human endurance. The first land speed record was set in Bonneville in 1914, and modern-day events like Speed Week and World of Speed continue to pit custom vehicle designs against the laws of physics on the long, flat salt plain.

8. Lake Powell

Photo: Wolfgang Staudt

Photo: NASA Goddard Space Flight Center

Photo: patrickcam

Fed by some of the West’s great rivers — the San Juan, the Escalante, and of course the Colorado — among many smaller tributaries, Lake Powell represents the second-largest manmade reservoir in the US. Paired with the surrounding Glen Canyon National Recreation Area, it receives over 2 million visitors every year to fish, ski, paddle, and hike on or around its waters.

Despite its popularity, development on the lake is sparse. Depending on where you are, you might have this mighty Utah landscape all to yourself.

9. Zion National Park

Photo: Ben Jackson

Photo: Ada Be

Photo: Wolfgang Staudt

Photo: Sascha Wenninger

In the southwest corner of the state, the North Fork of the Virgin River plunges through 15 miles of one of the most gorgeous canyons in the world. Zion National Park is centered on this namesake canyon, while also spilling out to cover miles of the desert landscape that surrounds it.

From climbing the precipitous ridge of Angels Landing, to canyoneering in the Narrows, to heading out into lesser-explored backcountry for a multi-night trek, Zion holds some of the most rewarding adventures in all of Utah, if not the country. Find yours in our Travel guide to Zion National Park.

10. Great Salt Lake

Photo: Wade Lehmann

Photo: blinking idiot

Photo: Jake

One of the features Utah is perhaps best known for, the Great Salt Lake covers around 1,700 square miles just west of Salt Lake City. Its surface area (it’s the largest saltwater lake in this hemisphere) belies its depth — an average of just 16 feet.

A great way to view the lake is from the beaches and gentle hills of Antelope Island, a state park in the southeast corner of the lake that’s a quick drive from downtown SLC. Hiking, biking, and equestrian trails crisscross the island, sharing space with herds of free-ranging bison, bighorn sheep, and antelope. Or give yourself a few hours and you can get a more elevated view — at 6,596 feet, Frary Peak is the highest point along the island’s mountainous spine. To get on the water, your best option is a sailboat.

11. High Uintas Wilderness

Photo: Scott Sporleder

Photo: Mike Renlund

Photo: Rudi Riet

The northeastern corner of Utah is dominated by the Uinta Mountains, which run from east to west and intersect the Wasatch Range. The High Uintas Wilderness spans much of the range, encompassing numerous mountain lakes and streams as well as the tallest peaks.

Access is via the Mirror Lake Scenic Byway (State Route 150) out of Kamas, which is just east of Park City. This road offers plenty of opportunities for picnicking, camping, and roadside photography, but it doesn’t venture too far into the wilderness area. If you want to get deeper, you’ll need a pack and a good pair of boots.

12. Capitol Reef National Park

Photo: Wolfgang Staudt

Photo: John Fowler

Photo: John Fowler

A 100-mile-long, skinny strip of land, Capitol Reef National Park runs from the Cathedral Valley area — not too far south of I-70 — all the way down close to the shores of Lake Powell. It gets its name from a series of Navajo sandstone domes and cliffs that resemble the US Capitol building.

The small town of Torrey, situated on Highway 24, is your gateway, from where you can easily get to the park visitor center and miles of little-traveled hiking trails. Grab an overnight camping permit and it’s just you and Utah under the stars. It doesn’t get much better.

This post was proudly produced in partnership with Utah, home of The Mighty 5®.

How to piss off a Finn

Photo: nando pereira

1. Help yourself to some wine / vodka / beer from a Finn’s bottle.

Finns will be happy to offer you food, a place to sleep, and a free tour guide. We travel a lot, and we do like foreigners, but just remember: we don’t share alcohol. We’re afraid of you being greedy and us ending up sober. In the special case you’re offered a beer or a shot of vodka, please answer with immense gratitude — this is no small gesture on our part.

2. “You guys are used to the cold, right?”

Due to Finland’s geographic location, the foreigner’s usual fallacy is that we’re living in brutal and cold conditions all the time, when in fact, thanks to the warming influence of the Gulf Stream, it’s several degrees warmer here than in Siberia. Even if the winters are cold, it doesn’t mean Finland is a village of igloos, where scantily clad Vikings go to chase reindeer wearing only bearskin trousers. We’re not backwards. We have a proper heating system, triple-glazed windows, and warm winter jackets. Also, we’ve got summer.

3. “Are there polar bears in Finland?”

Are there unicorns in the US? Open an atlas and read the news.

4. Wear your shoes in my house.

If you set a foot in a Finn’s home wearing shoes, you can be sure the only thing your silent host will be thinking is: “How dare you!” or, “You’re never coming back!” In Finland we just don’t wear shoes indoors. Ever. It’s very simple: outside is dirty. Inside is clean, and we like things clean. Shoes have touched so many things outside they should never come in.

5. “Finland is part of Russia, right?”

No. Finland achieved its independence in 1917. Ever since, not being a part of Russia has built our national spirit, our identity, and a great sense of pride.

If you happen to walk into this faux pas, you can try this approach: “Oh, I’m so sorry. You’re from the bravest country that succeeded in defending itself against the brutal Soviet Union during the Second World War. Respect! The Swedish wouldn’t have been able to do the same.” It doesn’t make you look any brighter, but you’ll be less hated.

6. “Do you speak Russian?”

Hell no! The difference between the Finnish language and Russian is practically the same as between Mandarin and Swedish.

7. Act like an emotional being in public.

In order to avoid making enemies in public places in Finland, stay invisible and let others be invisible. Showing any kind of emotions is a no-no that can only be broken on Friday or Saturday nights when drunk. During all other times and conditions it’s unforgivable and strictly prohibited.

In addition to looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator, you should pretend there’s no one else on the street (except Friday and Saturday nights). Let other silent passers-by be. Don’t talk to strangers out of kindness or a genuine will to socialize — you’ll only manage to freak them out.

8. Say Swedish girls are hot.

What? We’re blonde too! We just use less makeup, speak like adults, and read the newspaper in the morning instead of wasting time choosing between 10 pink dresses all bought from H&M. Sadly, with this one you’ll only be pissing off Finnish girls; guys will probably agree with you.

9. Mention that Santa comes from the North Pole.

We don’t have many things we’re famous for. Since Nokia (no, it’s not Japanese) was sold to Microsoft, our short list has become even shorter. However, we still have Santa and, thankfully, his existence does depend on the recession. Santa comes from Rovaniemi, and, if you go there, you can visit his home and meet his family. Yeah, Santa and his wife live right here in Finland and NOT at the North Pole, so please don’t tell that rubbish to your children.

10. Don’t try our traditional Easter dish mämmi.

Although it looks like something that belongs to the garbage and tastes rather strange, please try it. It’ll make us unbelievably happy to see someone trying what we like. Finnish traditional cuisine has been mocked by many, including the former president of Italy, but that doesn’t stop us from eating it. Say it’s delicious and you’ll add one Finn to your list of friends.