M.K. Alexander's Blog, page 10
September 10, 2017
Satire for the Dead, 25
The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously
Part 25:
The Joys of Illuminated Manuscripts
Coffins and caskets are dark places. Even the best-lit mausoleums are not conducive for extended reading. Nooks and other such reading tablets have limited battery life and electrical outlets for recharging are scarce. Enter the illuminated manuscript. Embellished chapter headings make it easy to find your place even without a bookmark. Illustrations are wonderful mnemonic devices, enabling you to recall your favorite passages verbatim. Raised lettering (inked text) allow for reading with your fingertips— though this does take some practice. (Most posthumous readers can master this skill in a scant fifty years or so).
Part 25:
The Joys of Illuminated Manuscripts
Coffins and caskets are dark places. Even the best-lit mausoleums are not conducive for extended reading. Nooks and other such reading tablets have limited battery life and electrical outlets for recharging are scarce. Enter the illuminated manuscript. Embellished chapter headings make it easy to find your place even without a bookmark. Illustrations are wonderful mnemonic devices, enabling you to recall your favorite passages verbatim. Raised lettering (inked text) allow for reading with your fingertips— though this does take some practice. (Most posthumous readers can master this skill in a scant fifty years or so).
September 3, 2017
Satire for the Dead, 24
The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously
Part 24:
Heaven or Hell? Location Matters
Neither location has much bearing on future book sales. In heaven, internet wifi is almost guaranteed. Depending on the which level of hell you may find yourself, things can become increasing difficult. According to Virgil (Dante’s Divine Comedy, updated 2012), wifi access is available in four of the nine circles of hell. Dial-up modems are still in use for the lower levels, and purgatory offers limited ethernet hook ups. For those posthumous authors trapped between dimensions, any qualified medium or Ouija board expert can get your messages to the living at surprisingly affordable rates.
Part 24:
Heaven or Hell? Location Matters
Neither location has much bearing on future book sales. In heaven, internet wifi is almost guaranteed. Depending on the which level of hell you may find yourself, things can become increasing difficult. According to Virgil (Dante’s Divine Comedy, updated 2012), wifi access is available in four of the nine circles of hell. Dial-up modems are still in use for the lower levels, and purgatory offers limited ethernet hook ups. For those posthumous authors trapped between dimensions, any qualified medium or Ouija board expert can get your messages to the living at surprisingly affordable rates.
August 27, 2017
Satire for the Dead, 23
The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously
Part 23:
Terminology Blunders: Not Early Retirement
Most living authors spend their days in a kind of “early retirement.” For the dead writer, the opposite is often true, as in a “late-career.“ Some notable posthumous authors include: Geoffrey Chaucer, Emily Dickinson, Franz Kafka, Sylvia Plath, Stieg Larsson, Henry David Thoreau, and Herman Melville. Success, elusive in life, was only found during eternal rest. Not that any of these aforementioned authors have been slacking as of late. Sales are brisk, new editions regularly released, and many still remain on best seller lists of one sort or another. Book tours and TV appearances admittedly have been curtailed somewhat, though they remain top seance celebrities. It’s an important reminder that even the most peaceful forever after can be easily marred by the “working-dead.”
Part 23:
Terminology Blunders: Not Early Retirement
Most living authors spend their days in a kind of “early retirement.” For the dead writer, the opposite is often true, as in a “late-career.“ Some notable posthumous authors include: Geoffrey Chaucer, Emily Dickinson, Franz Kafka, Sylvia Plath, Stieg Larsson, Henry David Thoreau, and Herman Melville. Success, elusive in life, was only found during eternal rest. Not that any of these aforementioned authors have been slacking as of late. Sales are brisk, new editions regularly released, and many still remain on best seller lists of one sort or another. Book tours and TV appearances admittedly have been curtailed somewhat, though they remain top seance celebrities. It’s an important reminder that even the most peaceful forever after can be easily marred by the “working-dead.”
August 20, 2017
Satire for the Dead, 22
The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously
Part 22:
After-Market Retirement Plans
Where will you spend eternity? Or oblivion as the case may be. Do you have the necessary funds to enjoy everything the afterlife has to offer? And, is it easily convertible into aether-based currencies? For example, paper, pens, and ink are at a premium in the realm of the posthumous, and travelers checks are not readily accepted. Admission to the Elysium Fields is already quite costly and green fees rise every century or so. Tolls at the Gates of Heaven have also skyrocketed in recent years. After paying the ferryman, you may find little left in your financial portfolio. The solution of course is rather easy: karma. The exchange rate is always favorable; however, good karma like good credit can only be accumulated in the world of the living. Best to plan well in advance.
Part 22:
After-Market Retirement Plans
Where will you spend eternity? Or oblivion as the case may be. Do you have the necessary funds to enjoy everything the afterlife has to offer? And, is it easily convertible into aether-based currencies? For example, paper, pens, and ink are at a premium in the realm of the posthumous, and travelers checks are not readily accepted. Admission to the Elysium Fields is already quite costly and green fees rise every century or so. Tolls at the Gates of Heaven have also skyrocketed in recent years. After paying the ferryman, you may find little left in your financial portfolio. The solution of course is rather easy: karma. The exchange rate is always favorable; however, good karma like good credit can only be accumulated in the world of the living. Best to plan well in advance.
August 13, 2017
Satire for the Dead, 21
The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously
Part 21:
Why Self-Publishing May Be Ineffective
Writing from beyond the grave is one thing, publishing from there is another matter entirely, and it’s fraught with difficulties. Scratching a few words onto paper is easy enough, but putting your work out to the marketplace requires energy and attention on a daily basis. Consider: revisions, book covers, formatting, blog tours, book signings, blurbs, and social media promotion might be beyond your reach even in the roomiest of caskets. In the end, assistance from the grim reaper may be necessary to achieve your posthumous goals. It’s a wise strategy to cultivate his friendship. “Put that scythe to good use,” is often an effective motivational taunt. Sequels, long running series, and short story compilations are fine for the living. For the dead, they’re at best, problematic.
Part 21:
Why Self-Publishing May Be Ineffective
Writing from beyond the grave is one thing, publishing from there is another matter entirely, and it’s fraught with difficulties. Scratching a few words onto paper is easy enough, but putting your work out to the marketplace requires energy and attention on a daily basis. Consider: revisions, book covers, formatting, blog tours, book signings, blurbs, and social media promotion might be beyond your reach even in the roomiest of caskets. In the end, assistance from the grim reaper may be necessary to achieve your posthumous goals. It’s a wise strategy to cultivate his friendship. “Put that scythe to good use,” is often an effective motivational taunt. Sequels, long running series, and short story compilations are fine for the living. For the dead, they’re at best, problematic.
August 6, 2017
Satire for the Dead, 20
The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously
Part 20:
Royalties, Social Security and the IRS
In most cases, royalties are paid to the survivors of your estate (see parts 22, 21, 9, 7, 6, 1 and 4). Trust funds are handy legal entities that survive even the worst economic downturns. Bear in mind however, Social Security benefits and other retirement plans cease once you join the ranks of the posthumous, (though voting rights may continue in some states). You may also be liable for any unpaid taxes. (See IRS form NDTP-4403-A)* If your bank account has not been seized by the government, direct deposit is still your best option, otherwise, accrued interest and unpaid fines may haunt you for eternity. If you prefer that royalties are paid in ectoplasm, no further action is required.
*(Newly-Deceased Taxpayer)
Part 20:
Royalties, Social Security and the IRS
In most cases, royalties are paid to the survivors of your estate (see parts 22, 21, 9, 7, 6, 1 and 4). Trust funds are handy legal entities that survive even the worst economic downturns. Bear in mind however, Social Security benefits and other retirement plans cease once you join the ranks of the posthumous, (though voting rights may continue in some states). You may also be liable for any unpaid taxes. (See IRS form NDTP-4403-A)* If your bank account has not been seized by the government, direct deposit is still your best option, otherwise, accrued interest and unpaid fines may haunt you for eternity. If you prefer that royalties are paid in ectoplasm, no further action is required.
*(Newly-Deceased Taxpayer)
July 30, 2017
Satire for the Dead, 19
The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously
Part 19:
Choosing the Right Tablet
It goes without saying, unmarked graves garner few readers. By far, stone tablets are the longest lasting and require very little maintenance, though new technologies must be considered. Video gravestones, while pricey, are an excellent choice for posthumous authors who have had their work made into movies. Displaying a continuous “trailer” is a sure-fire way to generate interest. Indeed, theater-like mausoleums are all the vogue at present. Coin operated displays can also be effective, though less so nowadays. Many newly-dead writers opt for the wireless solution: a simple but eminently readable screen embedded in your tombstone that allows for free previews and (paid) bluetooth downloads to nearby devices. Check your cemetery to see what’s right for you.
Part 19:
Choosing the Right Tablet
It goes without saying, unmarked graves garner few readers. By far, stone tablets are the longest lasting and require very little maintenance, though new technologies must be considered. Video gravestones, while pricey, are an excellent choice for posthumous authors who have had their work made into movies. Displaying a continuous “trailer” is a sure-fire way to generate interest. Indeed, theater-like mausoleums are all the vogue at present. Coin operated displays can also be effective, though less so nowadays. Many newly-dead writers opt for the wireless solution: a simple but eminently readable screen embedded in your tombstone that allows for free previews and (paid) bluetooth downloads to nearby devices. Check your cemetery to see what’s right for you.
July 23, 2017
Satire for the Dead, 18
The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously
Part 18:
Necropolis Here I Come!
Ever dream of hobnobbing with the literary greats? Dickens, Tolstoy, Bradbury or Twain. Sadly, their remains are scattered across the globe. And while their spirits may haunt libraries in your local vicinity, there’s little chance of meaningful conversation, and certainly not passionate (loud) discourse. However, a membership to the Necropolis (at very additional little cost) solves this problem nicely. Centrally located in the afterlife, the Necropolis is like a five-star luxury hotel populated by posthumous authors of note. Visit any of the “Genre Suites” to converse with the famous long-dead greats. Keep in mind, authors tend to be a bit “clique-y,” and not always open to newcomers, but you’ll have an eternity to befriend them.
Part 18:
Necropolis Here I Come!
Ever dream of hobnobbing with the literary greats? Dickens, Tolstoy, Bradbury or Twain. Sadly, their remains are scattered across the globe. And while their spirits may haunt libraries in your local vicinity, there’s little chance of meaningful conversation, and certainly not passionate (loud) discourse. However, a membership to the Necropolis (at very additional little cost) solves this problem nicely. Centrally located in the afterlife, the Necropolis is like a five-star luxury hotel populated by posthumous authors of note. Visit any of the “Genre Suites” to converse with the famous long-dead greats. Keep in mind, authors tend to be a bit “clique-y,” and not always open to newcomers, but you’ll have an eternity to befriend them.
July 16, 2017
Satire for the Dead, 17
The Pros and Cons of Posthumous Publishing
Part 17:
World’s Most Prestigious Cemeteries
A list of the top ten graveyards is easily found on the internet, however, the criteria for the would-be posthumous author might not be “most scenic,” “most haunted,” nor “most populated.” Who lays beside you might be equally as important as who doesn’t. Celebrity-only cemeteries are hard to come by and most require an invitation or a lengthy questionnaire. An alternative idea is to create your own “mecca,” especially if you’ve spent any time on the best seller list. For obscure authors, another option presents itself: have yourself interred close to your agent, editor or publisher. Despite all this, the top destination remains Père Lachaise in Paris.
Part 17:
World’s Most Prestigious Cemeteries
A list of the top ten graveyards is easily found on the internet, however, the criteria for the would-be posthumous author might not be “most scenic,” “most haunted,” nor “most populated.” Who lays beside you might be equally as important as who doesn’t. Celebrity-only cemeteries are hard to come by and most require an invitation or a lengthy questionnaire. An alternative idea is to create your own “mecca,” especially if you’ve spent any time on the best seller list. For obscure authors, another option presents itself: have yourself interred close to your agent, editor or publisher. Despite all this, the top destination remains Père Lachaise in Paris.
July 9, 2017
Satire for the Dead, 16
The Pros and Cons of Posthumous Publishing
Part 16:
Casket, Cremation, or PDF?
Formatting for the living can be nightmarish: Lost italics, indents gone bad, missing quotation marks, and a host of other punctuational difficulties, to name but a few. Rest assured, all this will plague you equally now that you’re an ex-author. In the midst of such frustration, a funeral pyre might seem to be your only option, manuscripts and all. It’s best to resist this temptation, especially if you consider that book burning still has negative connotations. There are two remarkably simple solutions: 1. an extra casket that contains all your notable work; or, 2. download your opuses into handy PDF documents which can be re-formatted at a later date. It is, perhaps, the ultimate form of procrastination.
Part 16:
Casket, Cremation, or PDF?
Formatting for the living can be nightmarish: Lost italics, indents gone bad, missing quotation marks, and a host of other punctuational difficulties, to name but a few. Rest assured, all this will plague you equally now that you’re an ex-author. In the midst of such frustration, a funeral pyre might seem to be your only option, manuscripts and all. It’s best to resist this temptation, especially if you consider that book burning still has negative connotations. There are two remarkably simple solutions: 1. an extra casket that contains all your notable work; or, 2. download your opuses into handy PDF documents which can be re-formatted at a later date. It is, perhaps, the ultimate form of procrastination.
