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Understanding Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Understanding Hyperemesis Gravidarum

For many years, Caitlin Kay-Smith lived her life as a successful publicist who worked in publishing. Self-described as terminally single through nearly all of her twenties, she always knew deep down that she wanted to be a mother and feared that it might never happen for her. Luckily, Saturn returned and the stars aligned and she met Roland. They fell deeply in love, got married and began trying for a baby.

Photographer: Ben Sowry

While Caitlin’s story sounds common, her pregnancy was anything but. Caitlin suffered from Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) and it derailed more than just her pregnancy. It affected her work, her relationship and her mental health.

“I started throwing up at just over four weeks and was hospitalized for the first time at nine weeks. The morning sickness came on pretty quickly and with a vengeance I could not have anticipated.”

What exactly is Hyperemesis Gravidarum?

Caitlin explains, “It’s one of a range of pregnancy sicknesses that impact the mother and, generally, not the baby. Imagine pregnancy sickness on a spectrum. On one end you have morning sickness, which is very mild, doesn’t interfere with your daily life too much and subsides after the first trimester.

In the middle, you’ll find Nausea and Vomiting in Pregnancy, or NVP, which is more intense than morning sickness, can last beyond the first trimester and will impact your ability to function normally.

At the other end you have HG, the most severe of the pregnancy sicknesses. HG affects every facet of your life, lasts well beyond the first trimester (often until delivery) and makes it almost impossible to function normally. It’s characterized by intractable vomiting (between 5 and 100 times a day), constant and unrelenting nausea and all manners of complications resulting from chronic dehydration and malnutrition. Women with HG suffer a range of issues from the very mild – like the pain of vomiting countless times a day to being unable to eat – to the very severe – multiple organ failure, feeding tubes, nephrostomy bags and indefinite hospitalization.”

The problem with having Hyperemesis Gravidarum, is that it’s still not that widely diagnosed. Caitlin recalls feeling frustrated that she couldn’t find an answer for her extreme sickness.

“Like a lot of women with HG, I found myself being treated as a bit of a medical mystery. Once I passed twelve weeks and people started telling me I ‘really should be better by now’ it became clear to me that I had crossed over into unchartered territory. When I hit 15 weeks, and was being hospitalized every few days, I decided to take matters into my own hands and suggested to anyone who would listen that I thought I had HG.

It took a while before anyone took me seriously, and it really only clicked for people when I was about 22 weeks and still waving vomit bags around in Emergency Room. Sadly, this is a really common experience for women with HG and unfortunately makes getting the correct treatment plan difficult.

As a result, my treatment was very haphazard and I believe I suffered more than I needed to be because the people caring for me delayed my diagnosis. I was on anti-emetic (anti-vomiting), anti-nausea and antacid medication as well as pills to help me sleep and anti-depressants. HG is a multifaceted illness, meaning there are a number of different factors that contribute to symptoms – each of which needs to be managed individually in order for there to be any relief.

Looking back, on top of properly being medicated, I also needed a doctor to actually accept and acknowledge what I was going through. I needed to be validated. If I had a dollar for every person who told me ‘well at least the baby is healthy’ I’d be a squillionaire. I was completely stripped of my humanity and autonomy and I would have given a kidney for one person to say, ‘I see you, this is happening, it’s real.

I needed for everyone to stop saying it was all in my head, it was bulimia, it was me harming my baby, or any of the other insane things that were said – and instead say, ‘you’re sick, I can’t take it away but let me try and make you comfortable’. That’s all. It’s such a simple thing but it would have changed my life.”

When asked more about how HG affected her mental health, professional life and relationship, Caitlin explained, “I have a longstanding history of depression, so I thought I knew all the tricks for keeping myself above water. But I was dead wrong. I’ve never been chronically ill before – and HG is a chronic illness like any other. There’s a lot of focus on maternal mental health once baby arrives, but perinatal mental health is just is important.

To say it affected my career massively would have been an understatement. I was working as a freelance publicist, as I had for many years, and I had to stop work when I was about five months along – though probably should have stopped way earlier given the amount of time I spent in hospital at that point. I had to pull out of a really amazing contract working on an ideas festival that was really impressive and run by a woman who I really admire. It was devastating having to do that on a personal level.

Quickly after becoming pregnant, my husband became my full time care giver. I would not have survived it if he hadn’t put everything aside in order to keep me going. And he had to keep working his butt off as the sole breadwinner. It was an enormous burden, and while he was happy to do it because he loves me and loves our baby, I think we will feel the after affects of the inequity it caused for a while to come.”

Today, Caitlin is the mother to a beautiful and healthy baby girl named Monty.

Photographer: Roland Kay-Smith

She has channeled her knowledge, research and sympathy for women suffering from HG into her non-profit organization, Hyperemesis Gravidarum Australia, who are part of the International Collaboration for Hyperemesis Gravidarum Research – a group of patient organizations, researchers and clinicians working on understanding HG and improving standards of care.

“We are the one-stop-shop for anyone suffering pregnancy sickness. Along with our website, which is full of resources to get you through your pregnancy, we have professional resources and are working with each state based health department to implement our protocols as standard nation-wide. We’re also in the process of building our peer-to-peer support network, so that current sufferers can be buddied up with a survivor so that they have someone on hand 24/7 as support. We’re basically just making as much noise as possible to affect as much change as we can so no women will suffer like we have.

We are also working on ensuring women get effective treatment plans. Currently, our recommended protocol involves layering medications that control nausea, vomiting, bile and saliva production in the first instance. The HGA protocol is tiered, so you start at the bottom rung and work your way up to the more serious treatments as things are tried and found ineffective. We believe that the earlier treatment is started the less likely a woman is to require more invasive treatments.

A lot of women, and health care professionals, see sickness in pregnancy as a normal part of the experience and so proper care is delayed or withheld. If you’re too slow in receiving treatment, and dehydration is allowed to take hold, it’s near impossible to pull you back from that point. This is why we advocate for early intervention – and even recommend that women who’ve had HG begin taking certain medications before they try conceiving again to lessen the risk that HG will violently take hold.”

When asked about any tried and trusted tips for those experiencing HG, Caitlin added, “Shout from the rooftops until you get the care you deserve. You don’t have to sit back and just take whatever scraps you are given. HG is treatable, and while it can never be taken away from you, you can suffer less. Don’t let anyone force ginger on you. Get a medication plan and stick to it religiously. Change doctors if they don’t know what HG is. Outsource all domestic duties if you can afford it. Accept the help your friends and family offer. Make people understand the severity of what you’re dealing with. Come and talk to me at HGA. Talk, talk, talk, talk – until someone listens. HG is a disease – if you weren’t pregnant and you were this sick you wouldn’t rest until someone fixed you. This is no different.”

FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THE GLOBAL WORK HYPEREMESIS GRAVIDARM AUSTRALIA DOES AND THE SUPPORT THEY CAN PROVIDE. 

This piece was originally published on The Tot.

Want to read more? Get a signed copy of I Now Pronounce You Husband and Expat.

The post Understanding Hyperemesis Gravidarum appeared first on Summer Land.

Understanding Adoption Arrangements and Positive Adoption Language

Understanding Adoption Arrangements and Positive Adoption Language

40-year-old Hailey Smith was having dinner with a friend when her cell phone rang. Anticipating an important work call, she excused herself from the table and answered it in a quiet hallway, “Hello, this is Hailey.”

A shaky voice asked, “Were you adopted in 1978?”

Hailey, who had always known that she was adopted, soon discovered that the woman on the other end of the line was her birth mother. Since Hailey had had a closed adoption, she never received any information about her birth other than where and when she was born. Naturally curious about her birth mother, she often wondered where she was or what she was doing, but never felt the desire to search for her. Things were different for her birth mother though. After many years of searching and with the help of the Internet, she got to have a much needed and beautiful conversation about what had happened in 1978. They cried, they laughed and they felt at peace knowing that everything had happened as it should have.

When Hailey was growing up, her mother would read her stories about all different types of families. Some with two moms, some with two dads, some with just one parent and some who came from one mommy, but ended up with another. She would also have Hailey say a prayer for her birth mother, who she portrayed as a strong, brave and selfless woman. As Hailey entered her early twenties and witnessed friends have unexpected or unwanted pregnancies, she found even more love and respect for her birth mother for bravely choosing adoption so that she could have a safe and fortunate upbringing.

With National Adoption Awareness Month upon us, we decided to look at different adoption arrangements as well as tactics for crafting positive conversations. In recent years, the United States has seen a shift from closed adoptions to open adoptions. With celebrities like Katherine Heigl and Rachel Hollis chronicling their adoption journeys publically and society becoming more accepting (and way less judgemental!) of unwed mothers and the LGBTQ community, the stigma around adoption is finally fading away. With that being said, there is still a lot of work needed on dialogue and mindsets when it comes to approaching adoption.

ADOPTION ARRANGEMENTS

Open Adoption

An open adoption refers to an adoption relationship between the adoptive family and birth parents in which identifiable information as well as contacts are shared between both parties. Open adoptions can range from simply knowing the name of your birth child to having contact before and after the adoption including phone calls, emails and visits.

Closed or Confidential Adoption

A closed adoption is when an agency finds an adoptive family for the child and shares no identifiable information to either party. The adoptive child’s birth certificate is essentially sealed, however, non-identifying information such as physical characteristics and medical history may be made available to those involved

Semi Open Adoption

Semi-open adoptions are a type of open adoption where there is less direct contact shared between the adoptive family and the birth parents. Typically, identifying information is protected, and an adoption professional mediates pre and post placement contact between the two parties

Today, birth mothers are usually allowed to make the arrangement decision in the adoption process, including how much contact she wants with the adoptive family and the child. It’s the agency’s job to find the appropriate adoptive family for each adoption situation.

If you or someone you know is considering adoption, it’s important to understand the different arrangements available, as well as the type of language that should be used in today’s world. To avoid perpetuating the stigma that adoption is taboo or should be kept a secret, it’s crucial to use positive adoption language.

Instead of saying “real” parent or “natural” parent, it is more appropriate to say, “birth” parent or “biological” parent. When speaking about the adoption process, one should say, “Make an adoption plan, choose adoption, place a child for adoption, or terminate parental rights” instead of “give up for adoption, put up for adoption, give away or abandon.” Simply remember to be careful with your words because most people who have come to the decision to choose adoption have most likely been through quite an emotional journey already.

It’s especially important to tread carefully when speaking to a child who has been adopted. HealthyChildren.org has an amazing list of Do’s and Don’ts so we’ve shared a few below. 

DO:  Treat siblings who joined families by birth or adoption equally. They are loved equally by their parents and experience all of the joys and trials of any sibling relationship.

DON’T: Distinguish between children who were adopted into the family and children who were born into the family unless it’s relevant.

DO:  Recognize that families come in all shapes and sizes. Some families may have a single adoptive parent or permanent legal guardian and no other legal parent. Others families have same-sex parents. 

DON’T:  Assume that the child has two opposite-sex parents.

DO:  Talk with a family about how it celebrates the intercultural and/or interracial nature of the family. Many families make special efforts to include their children’s culture and heritage in daily routines and traditions. Available research shows that children clearly benefit from this practice.

DON’T: Ignore a child’s birth country, race, or genetic heritage. Especially in communities where there is limited ethnic diversity, children from racial or ethnic minorities need family and physician support to overcome racism and develop a strong, positive racial identity.

Many children who are adopted, especially at an older age, may be coming from a traumatic background. They may have had effects of alcohol and drugs while in utero or experienced abuse or neglect. According to the Institute of Family Studies, adopted kids display above average levels of problem behavior and lower academic performance, despite their advantaged family background and support. This could be attributed to the attachment theory, which states that a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with at least one adult, usually the mother, is essential for the mental health of infants and young children. The Institute of Family Studies also reported, “According to traumatic stress theory, the likelihood of long-term emotional scars depends on the intensity and duration of the stress. Severe or prolonged early stress can have long-lasting effects on a child’s development, effects that a supportive adoptive family may only partly ameliorate.”

While you must treat your adopted kids the same as your biological kids, it’s important to understand that the same discipline strategies may not be effective. While no adoption is the same, they’re all anchored with love. This month, let’s work together to celebrate adoption and help children across the globe know that they were and are – always wanted.

ADOPTION BOOKS FOR KIDS

On The Night You Were Born

I Wished For You: An Adoption Story

The Day We Met You

Sweet Moon Baby: An Adoption Tale

Elfa and the Box of Memories

Picnic in the Park

At My House What Makes Family is Love

The Family Book

 

ADOPTION BOOKS FOR ADULTS 

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

10 Adoption Essentials

Forever Mom: What To Expect When You’re Adopting

From Pain to Parenthood: A Journey Through Miscarriage to Adoption

The Open-Hearted Way To Open Adoption

This piece was originally published on The Tot.

Want to read more? Get a signed copy of I Now Pronounce You Husband and Expat.

The post Understanding Adoption Arrangements and Positive Adoption Language appeared first on Summer Land.

Being Mama: Catherine Giudici Lowe

Being Mama: Catherine Giudici Lowe

To know Catherine Giudici Lowe is to love her. She is optimistic, smart, driven, witty, genuine and every other positive adjective you can think of. Seriously – just take a minute to scroll through her Instagram feed and you’ll see why her bubbly outlook on life has garnered her over a million followers. After finding the love of her life, Sean Lowe, on Season 17 of ABC’s The Bachelor, Catherine relocated to Dallas and used her background in graphic design and love of punny phrases to start the stationary and gift line, LoweCo.

“When I first met my husband, I snuck him silly notes like “I’m vegan, but I love the beef” because he is such a beefcake. These notes became a special part of our relationship, but the real inspiration to start LoweCo. came when I helped with the design of our wedding save the dates and invitations. It was during this process that I visualized and conceptualized a line of luxury witty greeting cards. Once I got goLoweco.com up and running, the rest was beautiful greeting card history! Beyond having Samuel, creating a company that is 100% me, when entrepreneurship was the furthest and most daunting thing of all time to my previous self, is one of my proudest achievements.”

When Catherine isn’t busy churning out greeting cards that put a smile on everyone’s face, she’s Mama to Samuel who was born in July 2016. Even though he’s now a curious, loving and joyful toddler, Samuel’s entrance to the world didn’t go as smoothly as Catherine had anticipated. “One day I felt a little sick, so I asked Sean to pick up a pregnancy test. Whenever I feel weird, I take one—and they’re always negative. After I peed on the stick, I climbed into bed without even checking it. Sean asked if he could. When he walked out of the bathroom, he said, “Baby, it’s negative,” and I was like, “Yeah, I thought so.” Then he said, “And by negative, I mean positive.” I had to look at the test myself, because I’d never seen a positive before!”

After a seemingly smooth pregnancy with zero nausea (just some admittedly crazy cravings and a rollercoaster ride of emotions,) Catherine prepared mentally and physically to give birth naturally. She worked with Julie Hoang-Clayton at Fit180 to help build strength and endurance for active laboring and was conscious to keep up her vegetable intake. Things were looking really good until she noticed major swelling in her feet during her third trimester. Worried that she might have preeclampsia, her husband and friends took her to the ER. Luckily, it was nothing sinister and her next trip to the hospital was for Samuel’s birth.

“I went into the hospital knowing that I couldn’t expect my exact birth plan, but I definitely had an idea. I wanted to give birth naturally without any drugs, but after so many hours without progressing they had to give me Pitocin and I was okay with getting an epidural at that point since I knew the contractions would get much worse. After many more hours without progressing, the doctor determined I needed a caesarean, much to my disappointment and fear. However, I wouldn’t have it any other way because he was safely delivered to me at the wee hours of the morning with a grand ole story of how he got to finally be in my arms.”

After a few magical months of blissfully cuddling and nursing her newborn, Catherine says she began to struggle with time management and had to remember that she was still someone’s wife and a business owner. She admits, “I was obsessed with this little dude, but I wasn’t taking care of my other roles to round me out as an adult.”

Catherine got back into the hustle and bustle of being a business owner when Samuel was around 4 months. However, she took things slowly and now feels like she has a great balance and is confident about being present in all aspects of her life. To make sure she takes care of herself, Catherine is a huge advocate of deep-tissue massage or reflexology depending on how much time she has. She also loves bad reality TV and good TV series and movies.

When asked about a piece of advice her mother gave her that has resonated in her life, Catherine says, “My mom really demonstrated a great balance between being a “mom” figure and a “dad” figure. She raised my sisters and me on a teacher’s salary and seeing her strength and her love really inspires me to be the kind of mother she was to us. The responsibility of being a mom is great in all meanings of the term. It’s the most important role in the world and that huge responsibility is not lost on me. I take the challenge of raising Samuel to become a wonderful adult very seriously and in a very light-hearted manner at the same time.”

When it comes to parenting, Catherine consciously cherishes every moment. She says she loves watching Samuel learn and thrive in all things. She could also exist on his sweet nose breath alone. (Her words, not mine!) Motherhood changes most women and Catherine is no different. “I’ve definitely become more patient and more present since becoming a mom. I was always pretty laid back, but it helps knowing that anything Samuel does at this stage in life is all about learning and growing. Basically, if a clean house has to come as a distant second to his exploring, that’s what has to happen. It’s so important to be present in all things. Whether it’s your baby sneezing or their breath on your neck, take it in. Gosh, I choked up just thinking about that warm, sweet breath.”

Catherine’s exuberance for life and motherhood is inspiring and refreshing. In many ways, she is a modern mama balancing her baby, business and booming romance, however there is a side that embraces tradition. Catherine says, “Eventually eating dinners together will be our most important family tradition, but until we have our complete gang to have those amazing dinner conversations, bath time as a family of three (and our chocolate lab) remains to be our daily ritual.”

Catherine’s edit – 5 must-have pregnancy items from The Tot Shop: 

Hatch Riviera Dress or Afternoon Dress
Blanqi Maternity Support leggings
Erbaviva Stretch Mark Cream
Birds and Bees Peaceful Pregnancy Tea
Recliner Sleep Tee & Shorts

Catherine’s edit: 5 must-have products for a new mom from The Tot Shop  

Medela Freestyle Breast Pump
LOULOU Lollipop Cookie Teether
Green Sprouts Muslin Burp Cloths (3 pack)
Comotomo Natural Feel baby bottles and nipples
NUNA pipa car seat and base

This piece was originally published on The Tot.

Want to read more? Get a signed copy of I Now Pronounce You Husband and Expat.

The post Being Mama: Catherine Giudici Lowe appeared first on Summer Land.

Being Mama: Maryam Keyhani

IMAGE VIA: REBECCA WOOD
Being Mama: Maryam Keyhani

Maryam Keyhani wants her kids to be bored. As an only child, she was forced to daydream and use her imagination to keep herself occupied and hopes her kids continue to have the same gift of finding magic in everyday life.

“I try not to over program my kids. Life can be rather hard these days, which is why I think being bored is such a luxury. I let my son, Rumi, who is turning four in October, stay home this summer and just run around the house and find things to do. I admit I was going crazy by the end and couldn’t wait for school to start, but imagination really is everything. I particularly love having nothing planned for weekends. One of my favorite feelings is waking up and chatting about what we should do on a Saturday morning. The slower the weekend the better, I always say.”

Things aren’t always slow or boring for Maryam though. When she’s not wowing the Instagram universe with her museum-worthy collection of hats, beautiful paintings and exotic holiday destinations, the jewelry designer, fashion icon and artist splits her time between Toronto and Berlin, where over the past four years, she’s created and welcomed two beautiful souls into the world – Rumi and Dali.

Although her pregnancies seemed to happen with ease, they both resulted in her having gestational diabetes, which roughly 18% of pregnant women in the US develop.

“The first time it was much harder to deal with the diagnosis, but with the second pregnancy I totally had a handle on it, and thankfully was able to manage it both times with diet and exercise rather than insulin injections. As someone who normally eats what I like when I like and isn’t a fan of working out, this was a bit of a challenge, but easy to do since it would keep my babies safe.”

Maryam also got to meet her kids early. Rumi, born in October 2013, arrived three weeks early, while her daughter, Dali who was born in May 2017, was five weeks premature. Unlike a typical labor scene you might see in a movie, Maryam had a silent labor with both of her kids. (Wondering what silent labor is? We were too!)

Silent Labor is when a woman does not feel any contractions while her cervix dilates. Although it is common for many women to get to 5 cm without pain, reaching 10 cm is much more rare.

“With Rumi, I was on my way to dinner and didn’t know that I was actually in active labor. I had some minimal spotting and decided to get checked out at the hospital just in case. Turns out I was already 8 cm dilated. Had I not been paranoid and gone to check, Rumi would have been born while I was at dinner. Which, to be completely honest – my worst nightmare would be to have a baby at a restaurant! The crazy thing is the exact same thing happened with my second pregnancy, however even earlier, which was a bit scary. Since I knew the signs of light spotting, I went straight to the hospital and had another beautiful birthing experience. Because I’m usually such a neurotic person, I never thought my birth stories would end up being such calm ones. With Rumi, I had a doula and did labor and birth coaching classes to prepare, but with my second pregnancy I felt more confident and powerful from my first birth experience that I didn’t really do much but enjoy the ride. With Rumi, my doula was like a kind aunt who had my back. The emotional support was wonderful and I would absolutely recommend getting one for first time moms.”

Even though her pregnancies and labors were peaceful, the first few months of life with Rumi were difficult because Maryam was unknowingly suffering postpartum depression.

“I was in such a baby bubble that I didn’t even think to get help. Also, I didn’t realize what I was going through until after I was better. At the time I thought the constant crying was just because it’s such an emotional time. Once I stopped feeling chronically exhausted and anxious, I realized that my emotions were due to postpartum depression. When I was pregnant with Dali, I was more prepared and anticipated getting help, but the experience was so different. I was happy and light – very different to my entrance to motherhood where I was feeling so many foreign feelings. The amount of emotions you go through is so overwhelming. I can’t believe how much you can possibly love another human being. It’s like your heart is beating outside your body. Even today, I feel stronger than I ever have as the source of life for my two kids, however, I still worry constantly about everything because so much is out of our control and it’s nerve-racking. I feel strong, yet vulnerable at the same time.”

Maryam’s outlook on motherhood is all about nurturing and teaching self-acceptance. Her advice for her kids is to come as you are, no matter the situation. She loves the idea of a childhood filled with fantasy, which is why she tries to be a kid around her kids to create a more surreal way of life and play.

IMAGE VIA: REBECCA WOOD

“Especially now the reality of the world is rather dark so I think more than ever it’s important to create, make beauty, spread love and escape when we can to fantasy. When I was designing Dali’s nursery, I focused on making an artistic space for her. My background is in sculpture so I wanted to make something that I used my hands and the materials I knew so I sculpted plaster candelabras and moldings and did a feature wall a few days before I went to labor… in a way the wall is a big artwork I did for her.”

When asked how she finds balance for her career and family, Maryam says, “I’m not sure I do. Anytime I get to go to the studio and make art, it feels like me-time because it’s a part of me I miss and don’t get to visit as much as I used to. However, as an artist I never really stopped working. Pregnancy was an inspiring time for me and I had an incredible urge to work. Not sure if it was the hormones, but it was a good time for me to create. Of course the first few weeks after Rumi and Dali were born, I basically stayed in bed with them and savored those precious times. However, I always kept a drawing tool by my bed. It was a nice balance of nursing a baby in bed all day, but also sketching or painting. I’m also not a morning person, which can be difficult when you’re a mom so I’m super slow to start the day. Now that Dali is just over four months, I get Rumi ready for school and he and my husband usually ride or walk to school together. The time when everyone leaves and it’s just Dali and me is really precious. We usually hangout at my home studio while I paint and Dali naps. I find the first few months of having a baby really isolating so I try to get out of the house for a quick lunch with friends a few times a week. I’ve also been working on kids’ illustration books, which has been really wonderful. I can be a child myself at times so doing these books really feels right.”

Like many parents, Maryam sometimes feels like she could handle things like tantrums better, but for the most part her main goal is to bring as much fantasy as she can into her children’s worlds and values her and her husband’s cultures.

“I’d love for them to keep their incredibly rich Persian traditions because there is so much beauty and history there for them to take from. I think the best direction for kids is to let them observe what you do. They learn from our actions and our way of life, which is why it’s such a heavy responsibility to be a parent. I feel like I’ve had to constantly question my lifestyle since I’ve had kids to make sure they have a solid role model. On the other hand, as a woman who has her own life and ambitions you also have to stay true to who you are so it’s this incredibly difficult but wonderful balancing act of being an inspiration to them but also not forgetting who you were before they came to your life and maintaining a sense of self. I was actually painting with Rumi a few days ago and I was giving him a suggestion and he turned around and said to me ‘Mom, I’m the artist and I can decide how to make my art.’ I almost fainted with happiness.”

Images published with permission via rebeccawood.ca

This piece was originally published on The Tot.

Want to read more? Get a signed copy of I Now Pronounce You Husband and Expat.

The post Being Mama: Maryam Keyhani appeared first on Summer Land.

Being Mama: Tia Mowry

IMAGE BY: DIANA RAGLAND
Being Mama: Tia Mowry

Disbelief and gratitude are two words that sum up Tia’s pregnancies. As someone who has endometriosis and never thought she could have even one child, she is taking her second and current pregnancy one step at a time and enjoying every moment. “Even the aches and pains, the nausea and sleepless nights,” writes Mowry on Instagram.

Tia’s first son, Cree, was born in 2011 after a grueling fight against an endometriosis diagnosis. Even though she always considered herself a healthy eater, she had to ramp up her nutrition routine and take extra care of her body because it meant whether or not she’d be able to have a child. Luckily, her hard work paid off and she was able to have a successful pregnancy and even indulged in a Funyon craving every now and then.

Much to Tia’s dismay, the morning sickness didn’t end after the first trimester, which meant nine months of intense nausea. When asked for tips on ways to combat it, Tia joked, “Tips for combatting nausea? Lord, I’m still trying to figure that one out. But eating small meals, crackers, and lemonade helped A LOT! I would drink up to 3 cups a day with lots of ICE!”

Like many women, Tia intended to have a natural birth and attended birthing classes. She admits the best part was watching her husband’s mouth drop to the floor on more than one occasion during a graphic demonstration of one of the many joys of birth. However, she quickly learned that you’re not always in control of how your baby wants to come out, even if you attend all the birth classes, read all the books and plan for a vaginal delivery. Tia ended up having a caesarean delivery and was so grateful to have a healthy baby boy to show for it.

With decades of experience in the entertainment business, it’s inspiring to see someone we all watched and admired as teens turn into a mother and continue to pursue her passion while adjusting to the different paths life tends to take us on.

“My biggest professional achievement is having longevity within my career. I have been in the entertainment business since I was 13, and I am very grateful to still be going. Personally, I am proud that I’ve always stayed true to who I am, even after all these years. I really value that. I also love that it’s a career I can choose how much I work and when I work. Right now, I love that my day starts with my son acting as my alarm clock – waking me up with kisses and hugs. One of my favorite things is cooking breakfast with my whole family, then Cree is off to school. I am spending more time as an entrepreneur these days and right now my main focus is my YouTube series, Tia Mowry’s Quick Fix. Some days I will shoot episodes of that or attend meetings or events. Other days we head to basketball or soccer practice. Then I come home to make dinner, prepare my son for bed and read him a book. It’s a very rewarding time.”

Of course Tia suffers from, “Mom guilt.” (Don’t we all?!) But the support she’s found from her online community helps her overcome it. She wants to set an example for her son and future child and show them that, “Mommy works hard for what she gets.”

“I truly do think of Tia Mowry’s Quick Fix, as a community as well as my other social media sites on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.” I asked Tia about her twin sister and fellow mama, Tamera, and if they co-parent. “We have very different parenting styles and we respect that about each other. Our mother was very traditional. However, I am very non-traditional. I am not the type to push Cree to do anything prematurely. When he is ready, he’s ready. I am pretty laid back as a parent, but I know when to be assertive when I need to be. I am always learning new parenting tips – as opposed to being stuck on tradition. One thing I do insist on is getting my family to come together and eat at the table. It connects everyone.”

Connectivity, positivity and gratitude seem to be at the forefront of her parenting style. Tia feels like the greatest gift in the whole world is to love and to love others, which is why she wants people to take everything one day at a time, and to forgive themselves and to never be afraid to ask for help. She also says to always trust your instincts.

Tia’s new book, Whole New You, credits a healthy diet to her ability to get pregnant and live life with endometriosis. It also provides resources for people to get on their own journey to wellbeing. “I was told that I needed to change my diet to get pregnant. I ended up taking that very seriously and I had my son, who I consider my miracle. I knew there were other people who were suffering from the same thing and I wanted to inspire and uplift them. It’s a book about food and self-care. Me time is important so I always try to work out, take a bubble bath or meditate. I also always think of my mother’s advice when times get a bit overwhelming – Where there is a will, there’s a way.”

Even though Tia’s life may look glamorous and seamless, she still has her Mom Fails just like the rest of us.

“I am all about fashion, so I went to the Elizabeth Glazer Pediatric AIDS Foundation event (held outside in a big field) – wearing heels – my son went running across the field and his diaper was soggy and wet and FELL OFF. There I was, in front of all these big name celebrities, chasing after my two-year-old, in heels, in the mud. But you know what? When I see that my son is happy, that is when I feel the most proud. I want him to be happy – because everything else will follow. I have developed more of an appreciation for life in general – for the miracle of life – and I feel like I am more patient as a parent. I am constantly learning to appreciate the simple things in life. It’s like I am living life again through Cree’s eyes.”

This piece was originally published on The Tot.

Want to read more? Get a signed copy of I Now Pronounce You Husband and Expat.

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Being Mama: Sofia Sanchez de Betak

Being Mama: Sofia Sanchez de Betak

“Traveling with your loved ones is the best way to spend your time and money,” says Sofia Sanchez de Betak.

The mother of one and founder of Chufy was born in Argentina, but seems to be a citizen of the world. After conceiving her now eight-month-old daughter, Sakura, while on vacation, Sofia spent those nine magical months between New York City and Mallorca, Spain. Just like many of us she also spent them experiencing sciatic pains, heartburn, sleepless nights, and brain fuzz. She also had a bit of a scare when she was in Spain during the summer holiday. Her doctors encountered a small abnormality on Sakura’s intestines while still in utero. They didn’t seem to be worried or make a fuss about it. However, when Sofia returned to New York, her doctors reacted much more dramatically. To Sofia’s horror, there was even talk of ending the pregnancy. She ended up having amniocentesis and countless other exams and cried non-stop for weeks.

“The day I was given the scary report, I could feel her moving like crazy, it all of a sudden felt like I was a washing machine! The exams gave us no answers so we just hoped for the best and kept going. The abnormality disappeared a few weeks before Sakura’s birth and she was born with no issues at all. I was glad to be aware of everything my baby went through in my belly, but I definitely think she could sense my stress and fear, which I tried my best to erase from my mind to not pass on to her. Honestly the greatest advice I could give to expecting mothers is to stay positive and grateful, don’t let doctors freak you out just because they are being cautious.”

After her scare in the states Sofia chose to spend the last few months of her pregnancy in Mallorca. “It was a really peaceful time where I could relax and think about what type of birth I was going to have. I also love that I got to wear lots of loose dresses and wraps, mostly kimono robes and flats.”

When Sofia wasn’t busy being a pregnancy style icon, she saw a physiotherapist for pelvic floor preparation.

“Throughout the last month of pregnancy, I had private sessions twice a week, where my physiotherapist taught me breathing and pushing techniques to be able to push out my baby without tearing or pain. I strongly recommend these exercises.”

Sofia carefully scouted doctors and midwives in Mallorca until she met the ones she felt in sync with. At first she wanted to give birth at home, but because of the experience with the abnormality on Sakura’s intestines, Sofia decided to deliver at a hospital.

“I had a plan on my mind that I shared with my doula, doctor and midwife. They were all very respectful of my wishes, as they were all very pro natural births. I spent the first part of my labor at home with my doula and husband, and then together we went to the hospital, which was an hour away. At the hospital, my midwife and doula helped me throughout the entire night. At around 8am the next morning I was finally dilated, my water broke and in one push Sakura was out. Because Sakura was made during cherry blossom season in Japan, and since both my husband and I love Japan so much, we thought a Japanese name would be beautiful and fitting. It was actually Sakura’s brother who came up with it a month before her arrival. I love that it came from him.”

Today Sofia’s life is back in full swing. Her trainer comes to her home around 6am for a Pilates session and a massage so that Sofia can start her day focused and relaxed. After a breakfast of mostly cereal, seeds and fruit, she goes to her office where she reviews emails and works on her collection. Many mornings are filled with photo shoots or meetings.

“I try to avoid lunch appointments or day events as they take too much time from my work day, but around 7pm I wrap up and go home to spend time with my baby and husband or cook for friends.”

With what seems like an endless amount of energy, Sofia credits her team that enabled her to work throughout her pregnancy and in the months after giving birth. She’s also incredibly relaxed in both roles – mother and fashion mogul.

“Because I have such incredible people in my life I feel like I can achieve a healthy work life balance. It’s also resulted in a really good marriage dynamic. Alex and I are both so proud that in Sakura’s four months of life she’s been to seven countries, four continents, and had zero heath problems. We have made a tradition of spending Christmas in Patagonia so that’s something I want Sakura to grow up having. My passion for life and travel drives me to be the mom I want to be and the type of business owner that I am with Chufy.”

Every collection Sofia has at Chufy is a different trip, a different destination, the latest being inspired by Japan. The 36-piece collection is influenced by the vibrant confluence of modernity and tradition in Japanese culture, anchored in classic silhouettes and eccentric patterns. The collection features ready-to-wear, sleepwear, and accessories, and infuses rich silks in a vivid color palette of playful yellow, vibrant orange and persimmon, mixed with deep midnight blue and dusty rose. Iconic Japanese motifs, such as cherry blossoms, Koinobori fish, and dragons, are emblazoned across the back of the kimono version of a bomber jacket or in the playful patterns of kimono robes.

“The bold and colorful designs are influenced by the vintage Japanese fabrics and antique matchboxes I collected during my travels across Japan,” explains Sofia.

Obviously it must be insanely cool to have Sofia Sanchez de Betak as your mom, but when asked who her mom crush was, Sofia said model, Caroline De Maigret, is one of her favorites. As a mother, Sofia ultimately wants her daughter to be surrounded by nature and learn to appreciate the little things in life.

“I want her to value family, nature and animals. Sakura is so delicious, cheerful and determined and I just want her to grow up knowing the world is out there for her to explore. I had no idea how natural and instinctive motherhood would be for me. However, I have become a lot more stupid! My brain is always thinking of Sakura and whenever she’s around I behave like a 5-year-old.”

When asked about what she finds difficult about parenting, Sofia says, “To be honest, the most difficult thing about motherhood so far is self-discipline. I feel like kissing Sakura and hugging her every single second. I love having her in my life more than the fact of being a mother. I don’t think I really understand the scope of what’s ahead, but I’m at complete peace with what’s happened to me since she arrived in our lives. I promised myself after a torturous labor I would never feel maternal guilt. I hope I can continue to see my mistakes as learning steps and not fails.”

You can hardly use the word, “failure” when talking about Sofia. She’s started a company that is successful and socially committed, as well as graced our newsfeeds in outfits that are strikingly beautiful, like her outlook on life. Sofia’s collection Chufy, parenting style and creative content let’s people into her world, which is full of travel, desire for knowledge, culture, and meaningful relationships.

Follow Sofia on Instagram here.

Visit: chufy.com

This piece was originally published on The Tot.

Want to read more? Get a signed copy of I Now Pronounce You Husband and Expat.

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Being Dad: The Eternal Bachelor Turned Loving Dad of Two

Being Dad: The Eternal Bachelor Turned Loving Dad of Two

Ted Jarrett didn’t plan on getting married or having kids. As a child of divorce, he didn’t see his dad much, was raised by his mother and grandmother and became content with the idea of being an eternal bachelor. That is until he met Meredith. The pair fell deeply in love, had a magazine worthy wedding in New Orleans, settled down in Austin, Texas and focused on growing their own businesses. They also began trying to grow their family.

Like many couples around the world trying to procreate, they were faced with an uphill battle. For nearly two years, Two Week Wait after Two Week Wait would come and go, with no positive result. After a miscarriage, they finally went to seek professional help.

Ted jokes, “It’s funny that you spend your entire adolescence and young adulthood trying not to have a baby, and then when you finally are in a place where you wouldn’t actually be horrible parents, you can’t make it happen.”

Even though the fertility process was scary for them, their doctor was awesome and made them feel at ease. Through IUI (intrauterine insemination) Meredith and Ted were able to conceive their daughter, Georgie, who is now four, and their son Jameson, who is nearly two. Today, they look like super hero parents, but Ted admits it wasn’t an easy transition.

I would like to say I was a rock and delivered everything Meredith needed during labor and delivery, but the reality was probably far from it. Looking back on the early memories, you’re just basically freaked out by every little thing before you become a parent. You take infant CPR and whatever other classes someone recommends on a blog or in a book. By the end of it, you are 100% aware that you have no idea what you’re doing. Meredith was incredible through both births, though. If I could give pre-dad Ted some advice, I’d say not to listen to too much advice. Don’t read the forum threads, don’t feel like you need to follow what your parents tell you – your kid is unlike any that have come before them. What works for you as the parents and helps your child feel the happiest may not be how someone you know handled a situation. Try, adapt, try again.”

When asked what the most unexpected thing about becoming a dad was, Ted was brutally honest when he answered, “Regret?”

“That’s a joke, sort of. Georgie had a triple whammy of torticollis, colic and severe reflux. She never slept, at all. We were a few weeks in and nearing the end of our rope when the comment, “What have we done?” was uttered. Then around week 11 or 12, we got the medicines fine-tuned to manage the reflux and she started sleeping for longer stretches. It would be too easy to say how much you love them – but the reality is, fear is the most unexpected feeling. As a parent you have fear for things that you’ve never, ever worried about.”

One of the many wonderful things about Ted is the compassion and humility he wears on his sleeve. Growing up surrounded by women, he never felt pressured to be super macho. Basically – those gender stereotypes we often see in TV shows and movies don’t come into play in his parenting game plan.

“If my kids love sports, great. I love them too. But I love taking Georgie to dance and if she wants to practice her routine, I’ll do it right along with her. I can’t speak for all dads, but I think most of them love what their kids love. If I lose some “man-points” for that, it’s okay, I can take the hit.”

It seems like everyday in the Jarrett household is filled with love and respect. Because both Meredith and Ted own their own businesses they don’t have the typical 9 to 5 schedules. Georgie and Jameson wake up early so they’re usually out of bed around 6am every morning. Coffee, milk, breakfast and it’s still two hours until school starts. As parents, they do a good job of splitting morning duties. Georgie attends a great preschool three days a week and Jameson keeps the kids in line at the park under the watchful eye of their nanny, who they were lucky to find early on. Ted gushes that she’s great and is now part of their family.

“She loves our kids like we do and it allows us to work on our businesses — and to do so without any regrets of not being at home.”

When asked about how he and Meredith share parenting roles, Ted says, “I think the trick is to do the best you can for your kids while keeping something for yourselves and avoid the big R in your marriage – resentment. Everyone has something that makes them happy regardless of how bratty your kids are being or if you’ve had a bad day at the office. You just have to recognize these moments and take over the parenting so your spouse can clear their head. Almost every day Meredith and I ask each other, “What can I do to make your day better?” It’s cheesy, but it works to just take one thing off of each other’s plates.”

This question also seems to make the elusive quest for “Work Life Balance” actually achievable for the couple.

“I’m incredibly lucky. My office is very close to our house, the kid’s school, and everything else that’s important in our lives. Having my own business, I have flexibility to do pick up and drop offs, run home to help the nanny with something, be the dad at dance – whatever it is. Meredith’s office is 15-20 minutes away, without Austin traffic, but it doesn’t matter because I love to do those things. However, there are times when I have to travel for work, and Meredith gets totally dumped on. She’s an awesome mom and doesn’t complain even though I know it’s so hard to manage all of it on your own.”

Fast Five with Ted

What’s your proudest dad moment? 

I think it’s probably a tie between both kids making it to their first birthdays. That’s a huge milestone for some reason and completely arbitrary. The other would be recently when Georgie had her first dance recital. She can be very shy and she had practiced and practiced. I was so worried that she would see a full auditorium of people and freeze. She nailed it and was so proud of herself and her friends. I was just bursting with pride for her.

Favorite Austin activity to do with your kids?

There are so many, but they both love to go to the Austin Zoo. The animals there were rescued for one reason or another and it’s a really special place for us.

Do you have any important family traditions that you want to share with your children?

Not in the way of passing something down, per se. We do love to get together with family for certain holidays and our kids love that. I think what’s most important is that our kids get to know the important people in their parents’ lives.

What is one piece of advice given to you that has resonated in your life?

You can only be what you are. And I think we try to surround ourselves with that as much as possible. If you try to stray from that too much, that’s where people get into trouble. Take the gifts you’ve been given and be appreciative of them.

Describe your first Father’s Day in 3 words.

Best. Wife. Ever.

This piece was originally published on The Tot.

Want to read more? Get a signed copy of I Now Pronounce You Husband and Expat.

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Being Dad: Trystan Reese

Being Dad: Trystan Reese

Director of Family Formation and member of the Family Equality Council, Trystan Reese, was in his twenties when he and Biff Chaplow were asked to foster Biff’s sister’s kids. They had spent their early years falling in all sorts of love gallivanting around the country together, but when a social worker called saying that Hailey and Riley would be put into foster care due to an abusive and neglectful home life, Biff and Trystan hopped in the car to go and get them. Little did they know; this was going to be the start of a very difficult adoption process.

Trystan explains, “Hailey and Riley came to live with us during a time of chaos in their home; we had been in contact with the social worker assigned to their case and she called us as a courtesy to let us know that things were getting untenable in their living situation and that the state would likely be stepping in to take them into custody. Luckily, we were able to house them with us and were soon approved as a temporary living situation. Over the following months we won emergency and then permanent guardianship. They had been living with very little support and structure, and thus struggled with healthy and appropriate eating and washing routines. There had been abuse and neglect in the home, which meant that each child suffered from issues like PTSD and attachment issues. At times their birth parents were supportive of us as guardians, while occasionally they would show up to court dates to try to fight us. There were some positive, productive parental visits and many, many missed appointments and even threats of violence against us. Finally, in 2015, parental rights were terminated and we were able to adopt them outright. It took thousands of dollars and countless sleepless nights, doctor’s visits, therapy appointments, crying on friends’ shoulders, strategy sessions, and moments of sheer overwhelm but we finally got it done.”

Adopting is hard. Adopting as a gay couple is even harder. The thing about Trystan and Biff – they seem to make any mountain look like a molehill. After finding their groove with life as parents to Hailey and Riley, they decided to expand their family by conceiving a biological child. As a trans man, Trystan still has the necessary parts to carry a healthy pregnancy.

When asked about the process, Trystan said, “I just stopped taking my testosterone and started trying! Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at six weeks, which is very common (about 1 out of every 3 known pregnancies isn’t viable). But after that we waited a few months, tried again, and made Leo! Nothing about it was complicated. I simply worked to eat healthy whole foods, laid off caffeine and sugar, and generally maintained a good sleep and exercise calendar. I swam when I could and walked the neighborhood as often as possible. But I didn’t do anything else that was special. As I reached 40 weeks, I was induced and every stage of the induction went exactly as planned. I was in the hospital for a day and a half before Leo was born, and stayed another day and a half after that. He was extremely healthy—a whopping 9 pounds 6 ounces and long and chubby and fully formed. He slept the entire first night and we actually got in trouble because apparently we were supposed to wake him up to eat! But he put on weight appropriately and has been a pretty good sleeper ever since.”

Curious about how Trystan coped postpartum, I asked about depression and anxiety. Turns out he had the opposite: postpartum elation.

“I was completely overwhelmed with affection and adoration for this tiny human in our family. If I ever had negative thoughts where I worried something might happen to him, I just worked to label that thought as unhelpful, made sure that he was physically safe, and kept moving. To be honest, I thought it would be much more work than it’s been—it’s more fun and joy than I would have expected. Leo makes us laugh all the time with his funny faces, tiny adventures, and daily mastery of new skills. I also try to identify when I’m feeling maxed out and let Biff know if I have to do something on my own. He always says yes and I’ll go to a movie or a show. His thing is going to the gym—it helps him feel good about himself and stay in a good mood. I also travel a bit for work and occasionally I’ll tack an extra day onto a trip so I can see a friend or check out the city I’m in. That really helps me be a better partner and parent when I get back home.”

Even though Trystan makes #dadlife look easy, he and Biff still have three tiny humans to look after, which is no easy fete. Trystan explains that they try to each embrace what they’re good at or pick up the tasks that the other hates.

“Biff hates to clean bathrooms and do laundry, so I generally do those things. I hate grocery shopping so he handles that. He’s the frontline parent and I’m in charge of keeping us connected, so generally he deals with school stuff (parent/teacher conferences, homework, disciplinary issues) and I work to find date night opportunities for he and I. I handle kids’ activities (sign up and logistics of sports, etc.), he does the day-to-day fun stuff (like taking them to the trampoline place by our house or a play place or whatever). We both do consequences equally (we don’t have a “fun parent” and a “strict parent”) although I’m more likely to read books at bedtime because I like that. We are each a bit more connected to one kid, so we tend to spend a little more time with the kid we are most connected to at any given time but I work to have one-on-one time with each of the big kids throughout the week. So maybe I’ll take Hailey to tea once and go to laser tag with Riley once.”

One of the best things Trystan admits is that he really loves/ needs/ values sleep.

“Where Biff functions very well on little sleep; it completely obliterates every capacity I have. I’ve had to learn to adjust to just not getting enough of it, but strive to make sure it’s a priority. There is very little freedom when you’re a parent—everything revolves around being home for and available (physically and emotionally) to the kids. That’s something you just suck up and deal with. Most fun things that I like doing are not kid-friendly: quality theatre, live music, good movies, etc. So Biff and I each carve out time that is for us, where the other parent hangs with the kids and we are free to do something fun. But kids are also expensive, so we have to constantly find ways to do things for cheap/free.”

I love trying to picture life for Trystan and Reese in Portland, Oregon. With three kids under 12, I asked what a day in the life looks like for them.

“I wake up around 8am, just as Biff is leaving to take the big kids to school. I get ready for work and “clock in” around 8:45-9 (I work from home). I’m usually at my computer and if Biff and Leo are home during the day I have lunch with them in our kitchen and cuddle Leo on my bathroom breaks. Usually Biff puts Leo down for his afternoon nap before getting the big kids from school; occasionally Leo wakes up while Biff is gone so I help him get up and feed and entertain him until Biff and the big kids are back. Then I work the rest of the day, until 5 or 6. At that point, I usually take over the front-line parenting and manage kid stuff. Sometimes that means taking everyone to a baseball/softball game or soccer practice or leading everyone in yard work or gardening. Sometimes it’s dealing with homework or projects of some kind. A few days a week I usually have a media interview so I will duck out to take that call or Skype conversation. Biff makes dinner using HelloFresh, we all eat, then it’s bedtime! Baths, story-time, teeth-brushing, tucking in, etc. Biff and I put our phones away and cuddle while watching a show (The Office, The Good Fight, or something new we’ve latched onto). Then it’s bedtime for us!”

Fast Five with Trystan:

1. Describe your first Father’s Day in 3 Words:

I’ve been having Father’s Days for years now, because I’ve been a dad since 2012. But I hope this one will be like the others: Connected, Special, and Family.

2. What is one piece of advice your parents or a friend given to you that has resonated in your life?

When your kids get upset, it’s not always your job to fix it. Sometimes you just stay present with them in their anger/disappointment, let them know you see and hear them, and that’s it. As an empathetic person, sometimes that’s hard for me! I want to control their reaction to things and can feel overwhelmed when they are having big feelings—especially if those big feelings are related to something I’m imposing (no ice cream tonight, come in for dinner, grounded, have a shower, etc.). Learning how to let go and let them have an emotional reaction is hard for me, but I just keep trying!!!

3. How did your childhood shape the person/ parent you are today?

In a few ways. I felt 100% supported to pursue my personal dreams/goals as a kid, and I hope my children feel that from me/us. When I wanted to do theatre, my mom took me to lessons and auditions. When I wanted to be a better singer, my mom found me a teacher. And when I didn’t want to do piano anymore, my mom said, “too bad” and made me keep going. I wasn’t allowed to give up, but I was also given the freedom to choose the things I was passionate about.

4. Do you have any important family traditions that you want to share with your children?

We love to eat raclette, a type of cheese that requires a special kind of stove. We also do all the Christmas stuff—Santa (although the big kids aren’t into him anymore), a tree, presents (and one opened on Christmas Eve, which is always pajamas), etc.

5. What’s your biggest personal achievement?

Finding love and building a family, which I thought would never be possible.

Follow Biff and I on Social Media

Facebook: Facebook.com/biffandi

Instagram: @biffandi

Website: www.biffandi.com

This piece was originally published on The Tot.

Want to read more? Get a signed copy of I Now Pronounce You Husband and Expat.

The post Being Dad: Trystan Reese appeared first on Summer Land.

Being Dad: Joel Cruz-Davis

Being Dad: Joel Cruz-Davis

Joel always wanted to be a dad. As one of four kids growing up in north central Florida, his mom went to work as a lawyer, while his father stayed at home to be a full time dad and run the non-profit school, Jordan Glen. He learned early on that gender stereotypes were simply stereotypes and that men could be the primary care giver. As someone with a background in education, he always had a love for children and knew that one day he wanted to have “Dad” as his job description.

After marrying his husband, Yuli, in the summer of 2008 in San Francisco, the pair embarked on a long and arduous journey to parenthood. Because adoption was not really a possibility for gay parents at the time in Florida, they explored egg donation, IVF and surrogacy. However, fertility clinics in Florida wouldn’t even work with them due to their marital status, which led them to the more progressive state of Massachusetts.

To make matters more complicated, a couple months after their marriage, Proposition 8 was passed, which again banned same-sex marriage in California. Joel and Yuli didn’t know if this would nullify their marriage. Since their entire baby process depended on a legal marriage, they were terrified this would halt all of the progress they were making.

Joel explains, “It stinks to have discriminatory laws and policies dictate your life and your ability to have children, but that’s the reality sometimes. This hiccup just meant our journey would involve a lot of people, perseverance, money that we didn’t have, long contracts, detailed discussions with endocrinologists, genetic testing, birth orders with judges, five egg donors, three rounds of IVF, and two surrogates.”

Luckily Proposition 8 went to California Federal Court and the beloved Judge Walker overturned it and their quest for fatherhood could continue.

“Those were trying times – the years that we were trying to have children. Lots of ups and downs. So many things way out of our control. I wouldn’t want to go through the process again – my nerves couldn’t take it. I can’t begin to explain it. It’s so hard. But it worked out in the end. My heart goes out to couples with any type of fertility issue, and even though our issues were different to other couples, we were all in the same clinic trying to accomplish the same thing. The financial burden just makes everything that much harder, although some people are lucky enough to have insurance that covers certain fertility treatments and medications. Not for us. Ring, ring. Mr. Cruz, this is Freedom Pharmacy, we need your credit card again. A few thousand bucks here, a few thousand bucks there. It’s a real challenge for couples, and there can be stigma attached to fertility issues and treatment, to top it off. But we did it. We got our twin boys who will be eight this fall.”

Even though bringing their kids into the world happened in an award winning Sundance film way, their day-to-day life is like any other parent’s.

“On a normal work and school day, my husband, Yuli, would be the first one up and out, although I am often already awake in bed. If not, I am after I nudge him awake after his alarm goes off. He has to go the furthest and be at work the earliest. He owns a dental practice where he is the only dentist. Eventually the kids and I rush – no, just I rush – to get the kids out the door and to school on time. It’s my family’s school and it’s very close by, but it’s somehow still a daily challenge to get there on time.

I do a lot of my work from home, running the family businesses, and I try to get some housework done here and there too. In the summers, our school is a day camp, and I run the camp. So basically I plan and direct fun and funny activities for six weeks in the summer, but I have to plan for it for over half the year. We have great children at our school and camp, and so many different types of families, which is one of the cool things about living near a college town.

When it comes to sharing parenting roles, there are some things that we both do, and some things that one of us really dislikes, or which the other one is so much better at, that sometimes one person does that thing. For instance, Yuli tends to bathe the kids and is always the one to clip their nails. I think of him as my Specials Teams Unit. I’m home more and have a more flexible schedule, so I’m the de facto primary caregiver. That title comes with any number of duties and skills, most of which you just have to figure out through trial and error. That’s why being a parent is so fun! As the primary caregiver, I’m a Marathon Man, because being a parent is 24-7.”

Q + A with Joel

How do you treat yourself to ‘me’ time?

I definitely don’t have as much of a ‘me’ concept as I did before being married with children, but one thing I like to do is get acupuncture every month or two. Why I want to stick needles into myself to unwind, I’m not sure, but I like the concepts behind Chinese medicine, and love how I feel after my acupuncture treatments.

What is one piece of advice given to you by a family member or friend that has resonated in your life?

So many things. All those pieces of advice coming flooding back, and they make so much more sense now. I was lucky to have such a strong presence of immediate and extended family in my life, amazing people who shaped me that I could think of hundreds of one-liners right now.

My grandpa would see us and say, “You gruesome!” You know, grew some. He would also say, “Do as I say, not as I do.”

My dad would say, “Don’t bullsh!t a bullsh!itter.” and “Pick your battles and choose your wars.” My dad is also a giant proponent of love. Loving yourself, thy neighbor, your enemy. My dad is not a passive person. He has a very strong personality. But he also has an enormous love for all of life. He’s been able to share that spirit with generations of children at our school.

My mom taught me a lot about psychology and communication. She’s a lawyer and specializes in mediation, and she teaches mediation in law school. She taught me, through actions and words, to use good judgment. A lot of her advice I remember in warnings. Puddles in the road called ‘washouts’ that could make you swerve off. Or overcorrecting the steering wheel. Or swerving to avoid an animal. Or lightning. Suffocating. Sink holes. Cliffs and edges. Our eyes. Bodies of water. And that’s a giant one as a parent and summer camp director in Florida. There are pools and bodies of water everywhere in Florida. Drowning and heat are real dangers.

I think my parents have taught me to look at the big picture when it comes to not getting hung up on the little stuff, not holding a grudge, not being too inflexible. But they’ve also taught me to look at the little picture and to appreciate nature, family, health, education, and other things that we often take for granted when we have them.

How did your childhood shape the person/ parent you are today?

My childhood shaped me, and that is why I continue to work at my family’s school, helping to run it, improve it, and to give students the same types of experiences that my peers and siblings and I were lucky enough to have growing up. My parents are both from big cities – Chicago and Detroit – but they raised me in the country, outside of a college town. Then my dad made his own little world for us on our 20 acre property – our school and summer camp – and those have been some of the main factors that shaped my upbringing and outlook, as well as my desire to connect with other people in a positive and helpful way. My parents and grandparents worked hard and sacrificed to give us the opportunities and values that they had. I always want to honor them and make them proud.

What’s your proudest dad moment?

I just love that my children are uniquely themselves. They have their own personalities, their own styles, their own closest friends, and I just love them. They surprise me all the time in so many ways, and life is never boring or meaningless with them around. It’s great to see the world with the understanding of an adult but with the freshness and curiosity of a child, as well as the pure joy for the smallest of things.

Do you have any important family traditions that you want to share with your children?

This is such a fun part of having children – reliving traditions from your youth, even ones you’d almost forgotten about. And then your new little family puts its own twist on the traditions, and often you come up with your own. We are Jewish, and Judaism is a great way to celebrate and experience life as a family. We are also Cuban, American, American Indian, African, and so many other things, both because we have diverse backgrounds and also from the influences in our lives. We live in a world of cultures and traditions, and my family isn’t afraid to embrace the spirit of friends’ holidays to be able to celebrate with them. If you’re celebrating and you invite us, we will be there!

What’s your biggest professional and personal achievement?

For me, I am happily surprised at the number of things that I have learned in the past years while getting more involved with running family businesses, and all while raising children. Our school and camp are still going, now over 40 years, and then my husband and I have the dental practice. And I have a small medical practice with my brother, which has been another highly interesting family adventure.

What are the attributes you find to be most important and that you’d like to impart on your kids?

I want my kids to be respectful, to be kind, to be courteous. To people, to animals, to objects. I want their actions to produce a positive energy. Instead of throwing trash on the ground, I hope that they’ll pick it up. Like all parents, I hope my children will be healthy, happy, successful in their relationships and work endeavors. I hope that they love learning and that they continue to pass down that tradition. We have many teachers on both sides of the family. I value someone who is well rounded. In my family, we all do academics, we all do sports, we all appreciate the arts, nature, movies, wine, jokes, family get togethers…we just love life. And my grandparents were the best example of that for us. To us, they personified living a full life. They were married 60 years, and their love for each other and for all of us was endless.

What do you find most difficult/daunting about being a dad so far?

For me being a dad is full time, so it’s very rewarding, but at the same time it can be overwhelming. What’s hard is that it’s non-stop, and things just get busier and busier. And then when I see how quickly my children are growing, and all the kids before them who are now young adults, and that combined with all the crazy things that happen in the world – if you try to make sense of it or compartmentalize it, it becomes too much to process. For me at least. The hardest thing is just worrying about your children.

What do you love about being a dad so far?

Every day is different, even when you do the same things, because your kids grow so quickly, the seasons turn, the years go by. I love the physical closeness of being with my kids. I love the cold mornings when we are huddled together to keep warm in bed after they sneak in in the middle of the night. I love my kids calling me Dad, or Daddy, and knowing that they mean me and only me – Yuli is Papi. I love how my children make me want to do better. They make me more optimistic. They make me less anxious, even though they make me more anxious too. And they are very forgiving and unconditionally loving.

Describe your first father’s day in three words.

Two times Two

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This piece was originally published on The Tot.

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Being Mama: Tamara Ecclestone Rutland

Being Mama: Tamara Ecclestone Rutland

Growing up in the world of Formula One, it’s not surprising that Tamara remembers having a fun, adventurous and happy childhood. Her experiences taught her the importance of family, the need to keep exuberance for life flowing through her daughter, Sofia’s, veins and being able to define your values.

With a pretty typical pregnancy – morning sickness for the first three months, food/ smell aversions, a wardrobe full of leggings, sneakers and maternity bras, and a pretty intense craving for salt and vinegar chips – Tamara had a planned c-section that brought her beautiful daughter, Sofia, into the world safely. Her only regret in those first months – not sleeping when Sofia did!

Sofia, lovingly called, Fifi, inspired Tamara to create the all natural, non-toxic, clinically tested and socially responsible children’s skin and hair care product line, Fifi & Friends. Based in London, the brand is beloved around the world for their hypoallergenic products that are 100% safe for babies and toddlers.

Together, Tamara and Fifi live a structured life that starts with having breakfast together. After Tamara drops Fifi at school, she either has meetings for Fifi & Friends or goes to the gym for a workout or a Pilates class. After school – the day is all about Fifi. Whether she’s getting artsy at a pottery cafe, taking tennis lessons, or having a play date at a friend’s house, Fifi is out and about with her mama. Because Tamara’s work doesn’t have to be between the hours of 9am and 5pm, she is able to make her family come first.

More and more we are meeting women who seem to have it all – the house, the kids and the start-up. Tamara is no different. She works extremely hard to make sure her family and career get the attention they deserve. She also makes sure she has time for herself. When it comes to ‘me time’, Tamara admits she loves reality TV, especially the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She also likes to have massages at home when Fifi naps or is at school.

Growing up in the high profile world of Formula One, Tamara had a strong mother guiding her through a rather busy and public social life. A major piece of advice her mom gave to her was, “To be nice and to treat everyone the same.” Today, Tamara tries to instill the same wisdom in Fifi because it still resonates with her. She also wants Fifi to never worry about what people think and to be herself and to simply follow her heart.

When asked about how she keeps Fifi grounded, Tamara says, “I let her be a kid and do ‘kid’ things. Kids mostly want the same things – to be active! Fifi goes to classes like ballet, tennis, art, and dance. We also have plenty of play dates and family time. As she gets older, I also ask Fifi to go through her toys to give to charity for children who are less fortunate than her. Fifi always comes with me to choose presents for gifting to Great Ormond Street Hospital Children’s Charity. I feel like she truly understands what we are doing and likes to give.”

One of the many things we love about Tamara is how honest and funny she is. Normally when we ask about the most surprising thing about motherhood, people say the lack of sleep or abundance of laundry. Not Tamara – she said she didn’t expect to enjoy it so much! It’s hard to transition from only needing to worry about yourself to suddenly being responsible for another life. Luckily, Tamara has found the experience beyond rewarding and fun. She has become totally selfless and worries a lot less about things.

“I love to see Fifi develop and learn new things and to see her personality and character develop. She loves to perform, laugh, sing and dance. It’s also really important in our family to collect memories. I have several memory boxes and keep everything from Fifi’s school pictures and art to memories from holidays and days out. I also keep all greetings cards.”

Fifi is lucky to have Tamara as her mama. Tamara is raising her to be open-minded and respect that everyone is on a different journey and we shouldn’t judge or compare. She has also learned to not be so hard on herself or her choices as a mother.

“I admit – I am very attached and nurturing. I am not a strict parent and I believe in reasoning with Fifi and talking to her. I don’t believe in ‘time out’ even though my mother did. It’s probably a generational thing. I also tend to wear casual clothes around Fifi and go make-up free, especially when we’re scooting to the park to feed the ducks. I want her to feel comfortable to be herself in the world and not feel social pressures to have to look a certain way.”

It’s easy to add the hashtag #momgoals next to Tamara’s name. Her relaxed attitude and patience is enviable. Her love for Fifi, who she describes as smart, funny, and independent, is endless and beautiful.

This piece was originally published on The Tot.

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