C. Lynn Williams's Blog, page 37

Peer Pressure is REAL

Reblogged from Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen:

It’s pretty easy to talk about peer pressure in teens. “Watch the people your kids pal around with because they are easily influenced.” I know it’s true because I always knew who my daughter and son hung around; their speech and mannerisms were the same as the new person with whom they had become friends. Many years ago, my mother would say “that girl is going to get you into trouble, stop associating with her.” I hated hearing those words because most times, she was right.

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Peer Pressure is REAL

It’s pretty easy to talk about peer pressure in teens. “Watch the people your kids pal around with because they are easily influenced.” I know it’s true because I always knew who my daughter and son hung around; their speech and mannerisms were the same as the new person with whom they had become friends. Many years ago, my mother would say “that girl is going to get you into trouble, stop associating with her.” I hated hearing those words because most times, she was right. In those days trouble meant I would eventually say something that wasn’t tolerated in our home, or ‘act fast’. Anything like that was enough to warrant my mom’s strong admonishment.

Last week on one of those rare evenings when I was out after 9 p.m., I noticed that most of the women had on the same type of shoes and wore the same hairstyle. You know the look right? The shoes are what I call the Beyoncé heels and the hair is long and straight. Oh and I forgot to mention the leggings. Most of the ladies wore leggings. Now I’m not just talking about teen girls, women well into their 40’s are wearing these same styles. Some can wear them and look great, others, well let’s just say God made each of us uniquely and we need to develop our own inimitable style of dress.

That’s just the external bowing to peer pressure – looking like your friends. What bothers me is how many people act and think like their friends. Maybe personally you don’t feel the same way that your friend feels, but for example, if your girlfriend or your “boy” thinks somebody is not good enough, you agree. That’s pretty dangerous don’t you think?  I mean if we want our children to be independent, critical thinkers, we have to be as well don’t we?

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentGuru

Author & Parenting Coach

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)

The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013

Teen Girls will be GIRLS..

                              

In the last two weeks, I have already read about or been involved with two teen girls who have gotten caught up sexually and been “slut shamed”. One girl was so embarrassed that she didn’t eat for three days and is transferring from the high school where she attends. The other girl committed suicide. Clearly the latter decision, a fatal one is terrible, however teen sex culture is rampant and telling your daughter not to have sex before marriage is not enough. By the way, the term slut shame is how teens respond when they learn that a classmate has been raped. Crazy huh? In the world of adults, it’s called blaming the victim. http://tinyurl.com/bw3d8hr

I believe we (parents, guardians, teachers, and counselors) must use every opportunity as teachable moments to talk to the young ladies in our midst. Watch the reality shows and music videos with our teen girls and talk about the impressions that these types of media are making. Shows like Real Housewives of Atlanta, OC, NJ, etc., portray a negative side of women (and men). The widely watched music videos portray women scantily dressed or waiting by the phone for a guy. Life may be like that, but is that the kind of adult scene you want your teen daughters exposed to?

I often change subjects on my community college students and talk about Life. When we talk about life, any topic is fair game. You would be amazed at their thoughts and ideas!  I recently asked them what they considered sex, and at the answers that I got were pretty weird! It’s common to want attention from your peers. Many girls want that attention by wearing revealing clothing, make-up or hair. Often parents are not home when their daughters leave for school, and are unaware of what they are wearing to school. Not only do we need to know what they are wearing to school, we need to know how they are “carrying” themselves as well. If your daughter thinks that giving sexual treats in the boys’ bathroom between classes is okay – IT IS NOT OKAY! Having a picture taken of her during this type of exploit and sending it to everyone in the senior class (sexting) is also not okay, nor is it a way to gain popularity.

In this highly sexualized culture, we know how very important it is for our young girls to be popular. What we have to do is help our girls learn more acceptable ways to become popular. Appearing sexually enticing will only lead to sexting, loss of reputation, unwanted sexual assaults or ‘too early’ sex, depression..  Just my thoughts.

C. Lynn Williams,

Author and Parenting Coach

#MsParentGuru

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)

The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter (available in late spring, 2013)

12/14 Parenting

I listened to the 60 Minutes interview of the Newtown parents and people who lost children and loved ones in the December 14th Sandy Hook Elementary massacre. The Newtown group has successfully lobbied for historic gun control legislation, which was signed into law by Connecticut’s Gov. Dannel Malloy last week. The group is now hoping the gun control legislation will be signed into law by the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate. It was a very difficult show to watch as the parents talked about how important the new legislation was, and while it wouldn’t protect their child who had been killed, it would (hopefully) save countless other lives. The parents that spoke out during the 60 Minutes interview were pretty ordinary, everyday parents like you and me. What was profound were words they used like “there seems to be a sense of complacency in this country” or “loving my child does not mean I give my child everything he wants”. There are many parents who have lost their children to gun violence, who were not privy to television interviews or continuous news coverage, yet the message is still the same. How do we protect our children from the dangers of senseless shootings? As one father said, better parenting has to take place. We can legislate gun control, but we can’t legislate sound parenting. At the risk of sounding judgmental, parents – be a parent, not your child’s friend. Are you living with an out of control teen or twenty-something?

Is your son or daughter running rampant, ignoring your rules, coming and going as they please? Do you need help parenting your kids? For help, contact me at: cgwillnot@comcast.net Will more restrictive legislation curb the gun violence? I don’t know, but I do know that doing nothing means we get more of the same, senseless KILLINGS!

C. Lynn Williams,

Author and Parenting Coach

#MsParentguru

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)

The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter (available in late spring, 2013)

Manners Matter

I belong to an era where men opened doors for women and children, trash was thrown into garbage cans, and men removed their hats when they entered a building. Women and girls also ‘dressed up’ to go shopping. Dressing up meant my hair was freshly shampooed and curled (by my grandmother), I had on a nice dress, anklet socks, black patent leather shoes and white gloves. We usually took the bus to the “Loop” and visited Marshall Fields and several other stores located on State Street in Chicago.

Dressing up to shop or dine changed dramatically by the late 70’s and early 80’s, and our societal rules relaxed, where people became comfortable dressing (and acting) more casually. Now it’s not uncommon to go to a restaurant to dine and see people dressed in sweats or very casual outfits, including men wearing hats while they eat, or women wearing hair rollers or night caps. I have even seen men keep their hats on during Christian worship services. Don’t get me wrong, I love dressing casually too. But I wonder if being more casual has resulted in a general loss of manners? It’s one thing to dress casually, but today some people empty trash from their car onto the street. It doesn’t matter whether it is emptying the ashtray or an empty McDonald’s bag. You open the window of your car, and throw it out. It’s also not uncommon for people to spit on the street; walk their dogs and leave the remains on your grass, or curse you out for driving too slowly. Last Sunday, a man was asked to remove his hat during church service and instead of removing it, he left the church. What kind of world are we living in?

While each of these events is random and unrelated to each other, I can’t help wondering how our actions are affecting today’s youth. They are watching us – the adults in their lives. Is our lack of civility and good manners reasons that many of our youth are disrespectful and disconnected from us?

 

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Author & Parenting Coach

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)

The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013

Can Your Daughter’s Friends Influence Her Eating Habits?

Is your daughter fixated on her weight? Does she consider herself fat? Does she feel that she gains weight no matter how little she eats? Right now I have a couple of students who worry about eating or drinking anything for fear of gaining weight.

As graduation approached for my daughter, I remember the photographer telling her that she needed to stop eating “all those cookies” and lose weight, so that she would look good in her prom dress. My daughter and I laughed at the time, but little did I know, that she took those words to heart, and began watching what she was eating. By the time prom occurred, she was tiny! So were her girlfriends.

According to Journal of Youth and Adolescence, a girl’s peers exert more influence on her dissatisfaction with her body, more so than TV actresses or social media. Dangerous weight control such as excessive dieting or bulimic tendencies often begins during the tween years. For some reason, excessive weight control does not affect girl “jocks”. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130130143628.htm

The words “You’re fat” can easily send a t(w)een girl into an eating disorder spiral.

This theory isn’t new to parents. Can’t you tell what peers your daughter is involved with based on how she acts? I certainly could. Are you concerned with your daughter’s obsession with weight? If so, ask your health care provider or school personnel to suggest a prevention or intervention program that will help her better control any obsessive eating tendencies.

C. Lynn Williams – #MsParentguru

Author & Parenting Coach

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)

The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

Old World Parenting Russian Style

Over the weekend, I was talking to a Russian woman named Irena and she was excited about her son’s upcoming birthday. I love birthdays, mine will be here in a few weeks, so I joined in her enthusiasm as well and asked how old her son was. “He will be 27, and I’m trying to decide what kind of cake to bake for him.” She later told me that he still lived at home with her. When she suggested that he consider moving out; he asked her what he had done to make her mad; why was she suggesting that he move? Apparently where he’s employed, his colleagues think something is wrong with him because he still lives at home with his mother.

I too was surprised that he still lived at home at the age of 26. When I said that, Irena shared that in Russian culture, children live at home until they are married. No parent thinks that their child should move, and the adult children continue to obey their parents, support the household financially as well as help with chores. “He’s a good boy” Irena told me, and “I live for my son”. One of the other ideas that Irena shared is that Russian children are taught that education is very important. In order to be successful, you must have excellent grades and a great education. Her requirement was that her son study and finish homework (daily), even as a young boy. She required that and helped him study. Of course his grades were excellent; he is currently finishing law school.

As a parent, I felt the same way as Irena. You love your children dearly, and your love means helping them build a strong foundation where they understand from early childhood the importance of education, commitment and obedience. It’s easy to tell a child to go to her room and finish her homework. I believe it’s more valuable to have them open those school books at the kitchen table (in front of you) and study. You get a chance to add your two cents worth, and your child gets to learn about the importance of education and your commitment to them. Interesting concept, right?

My newest book, “How to Turn Your Daughter Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter” is due out by May, 2013.   Email me at: cgwwbooks@yahoo.com if you’re interested in reading a short excerpt. Find me on Twitter @cgwwbook.

C. Lynn Williams, #Msparentguru

Author and Parenting Coach

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)

The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

Managing Your Teen’s Mental Health (Issues)

Have you ever been in your own world, and someone makes a statement that completely changes your perspective, or as my mother used to say “disturbs the calm peace of your soul”? It happened to me today. I was sitting in church waiting for the sermon to begin, slightly distracted (with all of the things I wanted to accomplish later), and the pastor started talking about mental illness and the shame often associated with it. I kind of dismissed the topic because it didn’t seem relevant to me or my family members, but the more he talked, the more the sermon topic affected me.

When I talk to people about mental illness, I think of schizophrenia and manic depression (bipolar disorder). Those are probably the most widely known mental illnesses. Mild chronic depression (dysthymic disorder), affects about 3.3 million American adults over the age of 18, per year: http://depression.emedtv.com/depression/depression-statistics-p2.html One in five children experience mild depression before adulthood. Ten to fifteen percent of children and adolescents have some symptoms of depression. Those symptoms include restlessness, irritability, thoughts of death or suicide. Excluding the thoughts of death and suicide, restlessness and irritability are common moods experienced by teens, and not easily noticed by parents and caregivers.

My pastor’s topic centered around the fact that people close to us, like our family members can be affected by mental illness and often we are ashamed of those family members. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. When you have diabetes or high blood pressure, you modify your diet and take medication to get better. For most mental illnesses, you can take medication, see a therapist or mental health professional and lessen or improve one’s symptoms. But because of the stigma attached to mental health, many people do not get the help they need before it’s too late.

As parents, how do we recognize the signs of mental illness in our teens and help them handle their everyday pressures and decisions? According to Dr. Arthur Schoenstadt, there is no one cause of depression. Factors like a family history of depression or substance abuse, certain medical conditions, gender, stressful life events, or personality types increase a teen’s chance of developing depression. Most often, once identified and acknowledged, depression is treatable with psychotherapy and antidepressants.

In my own family, there is a history of brilliance and mental illness. My uncle Donald, whom I never had the good fortune of meeting, was a brilliant scholar who committed suicide in his early twenties. Nobody (in the family) ever talked about him or really understood what he was facing that would cause him to take his life. My brother suffered with Crohns’ disease for about five years before deciding to end his life. As I write this article, my heart goes out to parents who never recognized the signs of mental illness in their deceased teen, whether it was depression, bipolar, eating, conduct disorders, or schizophrenia. Your teen is not just having a series of bad days, and once the season changes, will feel better. They may need meds to feel better.

Here are some symptoms to watch for:

- Very angry much of time, cries a lot, or overreacts to things;

- Worthless or guilty a lot;

- Anxious or worried a lot more than other young people;

- Grief for a long time after a loss or death;

- Extremely fearful-has unexplained fears or more fears than most kids;

- Constantly concerned about physical problems or appearance;

- Frightened that his or her mind is controlled or is out of control.

http://www.cumminsbhs.com/teens.htm

If you suspect that your child or teen is experiencing any of these issues, contact your child’s school psychologist or talk to a mental health professional.

C. Lynn Williams,

Author and Parenting Coach

#MsParentguru

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)

The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

Timeout for Bullies

Last week one of my friends found out that her nine year old son was being bullied at school. Not only did she find out that he was being bullied, she found out from her mother (his grandmother) because he didn’t want to tell her! As a result of the bullying, he had become withdrawn in class and a couple of his teachers were yelling at him too. So how do you get your child to talk to you about bullying?

When I talk to parents about their children being bullied, I often remember running home from school daily in fifth grade. There were two girls – one lived on my block, and the other was in my fifth grade class. What was interesting about the school bully was that the teacher knew that I was being constantly bullied by this girl. I told her. I was involved in a fight after school. Actually it was no fight; I was usually beaten unless I could outrun her (which I often did). Think about it for a minute. The adult that I trusted, my teacher offered no refuge for me except to let me out of school a few minutes early or to keep me after class with the hopes that the other student got tired of waiting and went home. My mother had a different approach altogether. There was no sitting down with the parent of the bully on the block and talking things out. Oh no. My mother talked to me and said “you fight back”. She actually spanked me when I came home crying indicating once again that I hadn’t fought back! Now I know that my mother did the best she could to help me protect myself against the girls who were bullying me. Then, it was a nightmare!

According to MBMBD: http://www.makebeatsnotbeatdowns.org/facts_new.html

90% of 4th through 8th graders report being victims of bullying

Among students, homicide perpetrators were more than twice as likely as homicide victims to have been bullied by peers.

Today, there is a plethora of anti-bullying resources available to parents. One website, Kidpower offers resources to not only parents but youth and teens to protect against bullying, molestation, abduction and other violence. http://www.kidpower.org/

One of the reasons that I like having dinner with family is that you get to ask and talk about your day and your children’s day. It helps if there are siblings who also go to the same school, because often siblings tell what’s going on when the child being harassed won’t.

If your child becomes withdrawn, won’t eat or communicate with you, let him or her spend time with grandma or grandpa or another close family member to see if they will share what’s causing them to withdraw. If a family member is not available, check with your child’s school for the name of the school psychologist or social worker. Bullying is devastating and doesn’t go away on its own.

C. Lynn Williams, #msparentguru

Author and Parenting Coach

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)

The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

Monitoring What Your Kids Watch; Listen To…

Is it Old Fashioned to Monitor What Your Kids watch on TV, listen to on the radio or watch at the movies?

I know the beats are cool and everybody is listening to the latest song or watching the latest video by Mr. or Ms. Sexy Rapper, but is that alright with you? We talk daily about how quickly our kids are growing up, what they are wearing and how many t(w)eens are sexually active. How do you think they got this way? It’s up to us to LIMIT what they are exposed to. One song comes to my mind by Li’l Wayne. I loved the beat, but the words were quite vulgar and even listening to the clean version meant you missed most of the words. Not a song that I wanted my kids to listen to, or to hear me listening to. When I had to hear it, I listened to it when no one was around.

According to an article I read the following statistics are true:

- Quick Facts Listening to degrading sexual lyrics has been shown to speed sexual activity (Pediatrics, 2006).

- Girls with a heavy sexual media diet engage in sexual activity younger than their peers (Harris Interactive, 2007).

- 68 percent of TV shows have explicit sexual content, but only 15% of that 68% discuss risk and responsibility (Harris Interactive, 2007).

- More than 40 percent of teens and preteens said they’d recently come across nudity and pornography on the internet (ForbesLife, 2007).

http://xfinity.comcast.net/articles/news-general/20130205/csm.media.sex/?cid=hero_media

Listen to the songs, watch TV and the music videos with your kids. Discuss them. Are they too explicit? Are they too violent? Is there too much profanity in the lyrics? If so, you have my permission to turn it off and make it a teachable moment.  Your kids will surprise you later when they tell their friends that they shouldn’t listen to “that” song and explain why. Happy Parenting!

#Msparentguru