Michael Allen's Blog: Michael Allen Online, page 22

Ingenious Hacks That Will Have You Scratching Your Head

Even though these are some ingenious hacks, they will make you wonder how in the world anyone came up with them. I don’t like calling these things hacks because they have nothing to do with using a computer to gain access to a secure website. But some Generation came along and misappropriated the word for their own purpose. Now, it’s all some people understand.

These things are no longer known as tips or tricks. Everyone wants to use the word hack. So if that’s what people understand these things are, I guess I’ll have to call them that.

Now, I don’t expect any of you to use these ingenious hacks any time soon. But some of them might give you a good idea and that’s what’s good about them. One scratch-your-head moment can lead to another scratch-your-head moment and the next thing you know, you’re floating on a picnic table with your beer chilling in a washer and your food is grilling on the casket.

No, I haven’t lost my mind. You’re about to find out…

Lighters come up missing all the time. Friends steal them. We leave them lying around somewhere. It really is a pain sometimes to hold onto a lighter and there are times when we just have to come up with another way. This guy is using the hottest thing he can find. I guess it worked. I’ve watched a guy make a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron.

Now, this is how you have a little fun with the kids on a boring day. You can build them a makeshift rollercoaster and take them for a ride like a hero. That’s something they will talk about their entire lives.

Never lose a drone again. This is the ultimate ingenious hack. You won’t have to watch your money sink into the water ever again and go to waste. All you have to do is go out there and get it.

So, that’s where Ma’s bra went. It’s out there holding up her melons by the fence.

Disclaimer: No puns were intentionally used in this caption…

That van has to be super cool. That is a high-powered air conditioning unit that looks like it’s used to keep Madison Square Garden cool.

Sometimes, you see opportunity and you don’t know how it’s going to work out. The roll is perfect for the cup. All you can hope is that the tape does its job.

This is masterful. It’s like a skeleton’s hand holding a mirror. I actually want that on my car. No lie.

Hey, it works. That’s all that matters. This ingenious hack can blow grass and leaves off the driveway and make everything look nice. Don’t worry about how you look doing it.

This really isn’t one of the ingenious hacks, but it looks fun! It’s probably a great view too. If I saw that, I’d be up with there with him. There’s enough room. I just hope the roof can hold us.

P.S. How did he get the couch up there?

This looks like a fun time about to happen. You have a picnic table that can float on water and an engine that can make it go. What could go wrong?

I’ve never thought of this. But I will from now on. This is a great idea. When the washer isn’t in use, it can be put to good use keeping the beer cold. Can I get an, Amen?

Not too many people have an extra casket lying around. So, this family put theirs to good use. That makes a huge grill, enough space for all the food. I just hope it’s not a used casket. That would kill the mood…

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Winter The Dolphin Will Be Missed By Many

It’s a truly sad day when people around the world have a reason to mourn together. This isn’t a loss that will affect only a few. It affects everyone who came to see her because Winter the Dolphin had a way of putting a smile on everyone’s face.

With heavy hearts, CMA announced tonight that Winter the Dolphin died at approximately 8 p.m. as animal care experts from around the country worked to treat her gastrointestinal abnormality. The CMA family is devastated. @CMAquarium

Winter’s story begins with a fisherman named Jim Savage. He’s the one who found her entangled in a crab trap off the Florida coast in 2005. Her tail’s circulation had been badly cut off and would never make it through any kind of medical procedure that could possibly save it.

Reunited With Jim Savage

Winter was taken to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium where many people in the industry advised that she would never make it. It was strongly suggested to euthanize. But something kept them from doing it. The mission of the CMA is all about rescue. They don’t know how to give up and Winter didn’t either.

The dolphin with the prosthetic tail became an inspiration to people from all over the world. Some people came to Clearwater just to see the tail and see how it worked. But there were others who were truly inspired by Winter to keep going in their own struggles. Ellie Challis is one such special person who was inspired greatly by Winter. She contracted meningitis when she was just an infant and she had to fight for her life. She was able to pull through, but she lost all her limbs as a result.

Because of Winter, Ellie has taken up swimming herself with dreams of becoming a Paralympic athlete. It’s stories like Ellie’s that make Winter so special. So special that she was the star of her own movie, Dolphin Tale. She starred alongside such huge names as Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, and Harry Connick Jr. But if you asked them, I would imagine they would all agree she was the star of the show. There was even a Dolphin Tale 2 because the first one was so successful.

It’s that fighting spirit Winter the Dolphin instilled in others. They came from all over the world to see her, and they each had a story of their own. Winter will be greatly missed, but she will never be forgotten as Clearwater Mayor Frank Hibbard put it, “Her tail prints are all over the aquarium forever.”

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Mom, This Cotton Candy Lobster Doesn’t Taste Right

No! We won’t be eating that one. The Cotton Candy Lobster is very rare as in 1 in 100 million and the Seafood company that caught it, Get Maine Lobster is actually going to put it in an aquarium. That’s right! It won’t be seeing a pot on a stove any time soon.

Was that the first thing you thought of? I can imagine anyone reading the headlines on this one thought first, I wonder who gets to eat it. There will always be someone with deep pockets who would want to swoop in and take a picture of it on a plate for their wall of trophies.

But it will actually serve better in an aquarium. Speaking for the Seafood company of course. They get to say they saved the rare guy and look at it, being kept alive in a nice aquarium with plenty of people around gawking at it and poking on the glass sides to get its attention.

I mean, really. To be honest, it had a boring life in the ocean. The thing about it, that Cotton Candy Lobster didn’t even know it. What do they do? They scurry around on the bottom of the ocean waiting for something bigger to come along and eat it. But, it was a star and it was about to be discovered.

She’ll be a huge celebrity for the rest of her cotton candy life. She’ll be treated like royalty with lights shining on her all day and night. They’ve already named her Haddie and she’ll be giving autographs and taking pictures with the fans. I just hope she can keep it together. It’s rough being thrust into stardom all of a sudden. Just ask any of the child celebrities who started getting into trouble in their teens.

I’m just picturing a little girl visiting Haddie with bright, starry eyes. She looks up at her mother and asks, “Mommy, does it taste like cotton candy?”

“I don’t know, honey,” her mother answers knowing that it doesn’t, but she doesn’t want to break her daughter’s little heart.

So, the little princess licks the side of the aquarium to find out…

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Bezos Tweet To Leonardo DiCaprio Over Lauren Sanchez

What are the Lauren Sanchez and Leonardo DiCaprio headlines about? It’s a funny store actually and Jeff Bezos was right there in the room. There’s an entire video that was tweeted by Variety and it’s what started the whole thing.

So we see Leonardo DiCaprio is trending Here's our original video from @marcmalkin of DiCaprio chatting with Jeff Bezos and his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez at the LACMA Art + Film Gala https://t.co/TpKZZjUS3Y pic.twitter.com/s3nkA6rKrk

— Variety (@Variety) November 8, 2021

Lauren Sanchez made a name for herself long before her boyfriend came along. She’s an actress, news anchor, entertainment reporter, and media personality. But a simple image search and you quickly find out how much the media loves to follow Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez around. You’d think that’s how Lauren got her name. But I assure you she didn’t.

She’s in the headlines now over something completely different though. But, the focus is on Sanchez and DiCaprio. In fact, the video received so much attention unflattering to Bezos that he had to send DiCaprio a tweet about it. Of course, he’s joking. Or is he?

Leo, come over here, I want to show you something… @LeoDiCaprio

@JeffBezos

I think he’s joking. But Twitter is forever having fun with stories like this and it’s just getting started…

BEZOS LOOKIN LIKE LEO BOUTA SEND HIM TO THE BAR TO GET HIM AND SHORTY DRINKS

@THEKIDMERO

Rule #1 is never introduce your girlfriend to Leo DiCaprio.

@ericj_d

Richest man in the world and ya girl still choosin.

@MarchVeryOwn4

Find you someone who looks at you the way Jeff Bezos’ girlfriend looks at Leo DiCaprio.

@SwiftieatFifty

Leonardo DiCaprio the first time he saw Jeff Bezos girlfriend pic.twitter.com/kqNPC0bysY

— JSWilliams1962 (@jswtreeman) November 8, 2021

Twitter definitely has jokes. Those Tweet Peops never let up. But like I said, Lauren Sanchez made a name for herself long before Jeff Bezos came along.

On The Red Carpet At The AMAsAt The AMAs In 2009Quite A Few Years Ago With Son NikkoAt A Bikini Contest

I’m sure Jeff Bezos can take all the jokes he’s been ushered over the spark between Lauren Sanchez and Leonardo DiCaprio. Even though it was involuntary, Sanchez couldn’t hide it. The thing is though, DiCaprio can make most men feel a little insecure when their girlfriend lays eyes on him.

I wonder who makes his eyes sparkle like that!

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Bill Belichick Pregame Outfit Starts A Twitter Riot

Bill Belichick comes across like the kind of guy who just doesn’t care. He has one passion in life and that’s football. Nothing else is worth his time. At least, that’s the way he comes across.

His pregame outfit yesterday lived up to every word of that. And of course, Twitter had a blast making fun of him. When it comes to having a sense of humor, you have to be on the strong side in this world. No one is going to give you a break. So, wear what you want but expect that it will blow up to be a meme. Nothing gets past the long line of comedians on Twitter.

Adjusting to daylight savings time like: https://t.co/NErVuI9Q97

— Dan Crohn (@DanCrohn) November 7, 2021

Bill Belichick is all of us walking through the airport hungover at 6am pic.twitter.com/imu6dHb9Wz

— Emerson Lotzia, Jr. (@EmersonLotzia) November 7, 2021

Belichick going with the “passed out after thanksgiving dinner” fit https://t.co/TFrUgE1PY8

— Mason Steinberg (@AlUCanEatShrimp) November 7, 2021

same energy https://t.co/deHW5yYzl6 pic.twitter.com/NJU5Hi1NcT

— Conor Ryan (@ConorRyan_93) November 7, 2021

Looks like most Patriots fans in an away airport Monday morning after a road game… https://t.co/1pusptCpb7

— Dan H (@LarryBird33) November 7, 2021

Bill Belichick rocking the crop top https://t.co/h2brsoI31N

— Greg Pollowitz (@GPollowitz) November 7, 2021

I thought he had them pants on like Urkel for a second https://t.co/RVtiBOh5ys

— RIPGLEESH (@TewPhilly) November 7, 2021

My dad sneaking to the kitchen for another slice of bacon https://t.co/gpRiv4XxSY

— Big Dog at GGSN (@caleb_ggsn) November 7, 2021

Cam Newton left the Patriots cause he was tired of Bill out-dressing him https://t.co/vrcJ0pOScG

— Josh (5-4) (@ThatPatsStan) November 7, 2021

Dressed like my mom bro https://t.co/TQNotKF9tg

— Natalie Miller (@Nat_NFLDraft) November 7, 2021

One thing’s for sure, that man is not going to change. Don’t count on him to dress up for a game any time soon. It’s just not that important to him. And the fans can have all the fun they want. That doesn’t get to him either. He just doesn’t GAF!

This isn’t his first rodeo. He’s been a meme for years. Every time there’s a scandal, every time he looks at someone crooked, the internet blows up with memes because that’s what the internet does. If there aren’t memes about a celebrity, they’re not significant enough.

Bill Belichick actually gives people stuff to talk about. He’s a meme factory. He couldn’t stop himself if he tried. The looks on his face, the clothes he wears, the things he does…it’s all up for grabs. Just hashtag it and Twitter will have a heyday with it.

And that’s hardly the end of it. It won’t come to an end any time soon. Next week, he’s likely to do something and wind up starting another Twitter riot, just because he can.

After that, you deserve a fresh look at Toni Braxton wearing this…

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Zillow Messing With A Wyatt Earp Great Descendant

I met the great descendant of Wyatt Earp at a Days Inn in Sarasota. She was in the room next to mine. I couldn’t help but meet her. Sitting outside and having a few beers as the sun went down, I could hear her on the phone as she sat outside her door and she wasn’t happy about any of the calls she was making.

Jane married Melvin Earp about forty years ago and he’s actually the bloodline of the infamous man. But, that makes her family nonetheless. They had a great life together. They bought a house and paid it off before he passed away. But too many memories made her want to move out and leave it all behind. That’s when she found herself in her impossible situation.

Isn’t that the worst feeling ever to think that you’ve done all you can to take care of the family you love after you’re gone and wonder if it was enough? I listened to Jane make phone call after phone call and it was frustrating to me. I can only imagine what she was going through. She looked at me with a fire in her eyes and at that moment, I heard the whole story.

She had sold the house to Zillow. That was something I learned that day. They buy houses. Only her ordeal wasn’t going smoothly. They came through the day before and took pictures. Then, she handed them the keys and they put them in a lockbox. She had everything she owned in storage and the closing was supposed to be the next day. Zillow had her information and the money was supposed to be wired as soon as the closing was over so that she could have the money for her own closing on her new house.

That’s where it all fell apart. They committed to a closing on a certain date and she was set to buy a house based on that closing. But they moved her closing back a few weeks and they didn’t even stop to think that maybe they should notify her about it or even see if it was okay with her. The thing is, they bought the house from her. That was her understanding. So, who cares when their closing is? They needed to wire her the money they promised, not give her the big run around.

She was about to lose her new house and she couldn’t move back into her old one. Zillow wouldn’t answer her phone calls and they wouldn’t return them after she left messages. Give it a try. Contact Zillow. Let me venture a wild guess and tell you that all the brokers are busy with other customers and you can leave a message. Then, wait and see how long it takes for them to get back to you.

If you have a house to sell or want to buy one, I imagine they are very responsive to that. But just like every other company out there, if they owe you money or have to fix something, they’ll take their sweet time of getting back to you. Time that Jane Earp doesn’t have.

Oh, they’ll take your money though. They’ll demand it upfront before they do anything for you. But, refunds or returns on deposits have to be processed because we all know how much effort goes into that. It can take three to six weeks sometimes. Why can’t they return money as fast as they required it? That’s always been a mystery to me.

If Zillow knew who they were messing with, I wonder if they would continue. No one messes with the great descendant of Wyatt Earp. It takes a purely irreverent heart to want to wrong the family line of such a historical treasure. Needless to say that Zillow shouldn’t be messing with anyone at all.

I got to know Jane pretty well in those few short hours we sat outside our rooms and talked. Phone call after phone call she made kept getting ignored. The look in her eyes going from pure anger to heartbreaking worry. She’d shake her head and hold her forehead in her hands. She was literally between a rock and a hard place with a hotel bill climbing by the day.

I had to leave the next day and who knows if I’ll ever meet her again. But, I can only hope Zillow has made things right by now. They should! A business that treats people like that shouldn’t be in business too much longer. It’s just another example of how this world can get turned upside down!

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Florida Man Headlines Too Funny: Can’t Make This Stuff Up

“Florida Man” headlines are an everyday thing. There’s not a day that goes by that you can’t find some ridiculous headline of a man in Florida who did something either crazy, funny, or absolutely unheard of. Of course, there are many serious headlines too but let’s stay off that topic today. I’m not here for that.

This first Florida Man thought he was in an action movie when he was being chased by cops. First, he tried to jump his van off a bridge and that didn’t work the way it does in Fast and Furious. Instead, he crashed on the bridge and what he did next is actually badass…

Which Florida Man Is Winning?

This Florida Man is guilty of flying a banner that is three stories high. The Walton County Code Compliance official says his job is to preserve the visual quality of the beach and a three-story banner violates code. He says it has nothing to do with the banner’s message, but I somehow think it does. The thing is that the man continues to fly his banner despite the $50 a day fine that he has to pay. He definitely is standing his ground, but I can’t help to think of how the city is laughing all the way to the bank. Especially if they hate the message, which they most likely do…

Just Another Day For Florida Man

An elderly man woke up to the sound of a lawnmower on his lawn. The problem is, he doesn’t own a lawnmower. So, he, “had to get out in my stocking feet, I went to look and see who was in my yard.” It turned out to be his neighbor’s lawn guy and he was obviously over the property line. In a confrontation between the elderly man and his neighbor, it came to punches. Imagine the scene where a 46-year-old neighbor is taunting a 91-year-old man to punch him in the face, so the old man does. And he gets arrested for it. That’s Florida folks.

Florida Man Gets So Much Better

In a very bizarre story, a Florida man went balls to the wall for the simplest reason. He hitched a ride on a bucket truck going his direction. When I say he hitched a ride, I mean he snuck on the truck and then appears to have fallen asleep. When the power line crew noticed him on their truck, they asked him to jump off but he refused. So, they called the company, and eventually, the police were involved. But, the story doesn’t stop there. The man escaped the custody of the police that night, stole the truck, dragged an employee for about 50 feet, and drove the truck 20 miles before dumping it close to his home. He was arrested the next day. When he was asked why he did it, he answered that he just didn’t want to walk home.

This Is THE Florida Man

With the tattoo of Florida on his face, Matthew Leatham is the poster boy for Florida Men everywhere. The first time we heard about him, he called 911 to get a ride. This time, it’s a bit more serious. He was drunk the day his mom went to pick him up and take him to work. He refused to go and it ended up in a dispute where he threw his TV at her and then attempted to strangle her. She’s fine, but I could imagine very heartbroken.

How About This For Frivolous Lawsuits

A Florida man is suing a car wash and you won’t believe why. He has alleged that the car wash is slippery when it’s wet. That’s right. He was unaware that the floor would get slippery if soap and water got on it while he was washing his car. His lawsuit is so full of legal jargon, it’s hilarious just to read.

That on or about December 16, 2020, the Defendant, MOTOR CITY CARWASH, INC., by and through its agents, employees, and/or servants, negligently and carelessly maintained the above mentioned premises, to-wit: by allowing a dirty, slippery substance to remain on the ground where patrons are expected to traverse, creating a
dangerous and hazardous condition, causing the Plaintiff, ARTHUR SOTLOFF, to fall and seriously injure himself.

This is up there with the lady who faked a fall in a grocery store!

WTF? I Mean Seriously, WTF?

This Florida man just got out of prison after serving a year for attempting to sell crack to an undercover police officer and now he’s in trouble again. He called 911 because he was experiencing breathing issues. When the paramedics got there, it appears that he exposed himself to the EMT crew and began to pleasure himself with an ice pack. Yep! You read that right! He was rubbing it on his genitals in an attempt to reach sexual gratification. In the arrest report, there is a very clear statement, “First Responders will like to prosecute!” I bet they would.

Florida Man Goes Nuts

That’s actually not a headline that is all that unbelievable. It can be applied to just about any of us down here. But this guy should get a trophy or something for his absolutely outlandish behavior. I’m guessing he was trying to be a pilot because he was drinking rum and wielding a sword when police arrived. Why were they called? It appears he had set the street on fire and was sitting in his yard watching it burn. It led to his arrest, but that’s only part of the story. In the holding cell where they put him, he broke the fire sprinkler and flooded the booking office.

You really can’t make this stuff up! It reminds me of People Doing Stupid Things!

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Did ‘The Deeper Dark’ Leap Past Current Technology?

If you read The Deeper Dark by Michael Allen, you know it took readers on a wild ride. It started with bad hackers trying to ruin a man’s life and good hackers stepping in to have a little fun of their own. Then, it went on an actual wild ride up Florida highways, through Louisiana, and off to the middle of nowhere. But the one question that has been burning in readers’ minds is how far was the truth stretched when it came to current technology?

There is one part in particular when a hacker accesses Lara’s phone and downloads GPS software to track the girl as she is being trafficked across several states. Yes, there were hackers on Haven’s side and he found that out the hard way. His daughter had to be kidnapped before he realized he had friends dwelling in the “Dark Web.”

#taken

Is that possible? Is it possible to reach into a device and install software to track its whereabouts?

It’s interesting that readers are asking that question with all the other questionable technology in the novel. But, let’s go with this one. There are several stories that can inform us if it’s possible or not.

First of all, I believe it’s common knowledge that there are hackers who are no longer allowed around computers or any device that can access the internet because they’ve hacked sites such as NASA, the Pentagon, and even the CIA. Some hackers were recruited by the FBI to assist in cybersecurity measures while others served time in prison and it’s now illegal for them to even touch a computer.

Moving forward, it’s a very real thing that hackers can get inside devices that are connected to the web. One lady reported receiving an email from a hacker who had taken the picture from the camera on her television. That’s how some celebrities have been bribed. Whatever they were doing in their bedroom with the Smart TV on in the background was recorded and used against them for financial gain.

That’s Where We Are With Current Technology

If a hacker can access a device that’s online and use apps that are on it, it’s not unfathomable that he can install software as well. The only issue in the scene is how the hacker manipulated the phone so that he could turn the volume down to install the software, then put the device to sleep so that the GPS tracker would work without detection.

It still has a lot of naysayers scratching their heads. But if they knew anything about hacking, they would know it’s entirely possible. After learning that hackers can get into some of the most secure places in the world and even take pictures from a Small TV, there shouldn’t be any further skepticism.

If a hacker group can compromise a pipeline and get paid handsomely within hours, what’s so hard to believe about the phone scene? Seriously! It makes me think about the scene in Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw where Hobbs is holding a helicopter down with a chain while standing on the back of a truck.

The hacker in Ocean’s Eleven hacks a casino’s entire surveillance system to watch the vault and movements on the floor so that he can warn the others. The hacker in Leverage can open doors, change street lights, and remotely drive a villain’s car right up to the police. But a hack on a cellphone is too hard to believe?

@loveindiefilms

What other technology do you find hard to believe in The Deeper Dark?

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Sexy Body Art At Its Absolute Finest

When it comes to art, it can be amazing. Some artists just have a knack for creating the most interesting visuals imaginable. But body art has a particularly interesting appeal. These gorgeous models volunteered to be the subject and they all turned out great.

You can see the world and pick the next place you want to visit.

The hottest alien I’ve ever seen.
Sports girls are the best! Hands down!
The desert portrait body art.
The body art enchantress. She has me under her spell.
Eve and the forbidden fruit. Always a topic for discussion.
Some nice floral body art.
Here comes a few freaky faces for the collection…
Just a slight tweak and you can freak everyone out.
Jean Grey! This looks too perfect to be true. Hats off to the artist.
Some wild nature never hurt anyone.
The night sky never looked better.
Nice contour. Flows perfectly from one end to the other.
You’ve got to love the heroes when they get all dressed up.
This one is freaky. But I assure you there’s a face in there.
I saved the best for last, the beautiful American flag body art.

I know you want to try some body art now. It can be fun to paint your body any way you want, and then show it off for the whole world to see. You know Instagram will love it. That’s all they do over there is take awesome pictures of themselves and share them.

What would you want me to paint myself if I were to try it? I know I could get away with doing a pumpkin or the whole earth. But enough jokes. Stop laughing. It wasn’t that funny.

If you liked this article, you’ll love this one about female MMA fighters who make the weigh-in a little more interesting than usual.

My book The Deeper Dark is about to come out in hardcopy. It’s available now in print and Kindle if you’d like to read it. If you have a Kindle Unlimited membership, it’s available to you already!

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Old John McKay Reference Gets Coach Brian Kelly In Hot Water

It was late last night when the Notre Dame vs Florida State game finally came to an end. In overtime, Notre Dame finally came out on top with a 41 to 38 win. That’s when Katie George pulled Brian Kelly to the side and asked about the game.

In an off-the-cuff remark, Coach Kelly made a reference to an old John McKay joke and made the world go mad. Before we watch the interview, let’s talk about the joke first. So many people who reacted to Coach Kelly hadn’t even heard of the John McKay version before.

When asked, “What do you think of your team’s execution, coach?” Coach McKay replied, “I’m in favor of it.”

Now that you have some background, listen to Coach Kelly reference it:

pic.twitter.com/P2ddZiMVIA

— Viral Sports (@NotScTop10plays) September 6, 2021

You would have thought it was the end of the world. Journalists fired questions at him about his remark. What did he mean by that? Did he think it was funny? Given the time that we live in, did he think it was appropriate? No doubt a few mothers called and made their opinions heard because you know, jokes are illegal now or something.

At this point, most celebrities would be apologizing. They would be Instatweeting full essay responses about how it was insensitive of them, given the time we live in, and nothing like that will ever happen again. If Brian Kelly would listen to me for a second, don’t do any of that. It was a joke. We’re still allowed to tell them these days.

However, how could Coach Kelly be mad at all? His team had just won 41 to 38. It was a battle to the end, and they were up against a tough team that kept hitting back. Notre Dame showed the heart to hang in there and pull off the win in the face of a tough team who was coming at them with everything they had.

Execution? Execution?

Not all games are pretty. Not all games can be wrapped up and tied off with a cute little bow. Some of them are going to get nasty. Some of them are going to go to the end with both teams wanting it. That’s when you find out which team wants it more.