Michael Allen's Blog: Michael Allen Online, page 23

Vacation ‘Get Lost’ Is Your Luxury Survival Getaway

Can you imagine a travel guide walking you out to the middle of nowhere, shaking your hand, and then leaving you there? Let’s dive even deeper into this scenario and imagine that you paid for it. That’s what ‘Get Lost’ is all about and it is the reality survival getaway you won’t soon forget.

A company called Black Tomato offers the ‘Get Lost’ experience. With the old adage ‘SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO GET LOST TO FIND YOURSELF,’ Black Tomato will give you the equipment you need, shuffle you off to places unknown, and let you find yourself…because that’s what you wanted.

You have no idea where you are. Hopefully, they include a watch in the equipment so you know what time it is. Immediately, you have to build shelter and find a source for food. Or you can roam the earth trying to find enough to eat along the way.

Within hours, you are like Michael Scott from The Office when he had Dwight drop him off in the middle of the woods. You have one pant leg. You’ve lost a shoe. You’re wearing your underwear on your head and you’re about to eat a poisonous plant.

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Just kidding! It would be nothing like that. They train you. They actually have courses that you can take to get prepared. Plus, as an added bonus, they have a team of experts around you at all times. They are trained to stay hidden so that you don’t see them. But they are there.

You will learn survival. You might be a shining star and catch on real quick or it might take you a minute, until you feel the hunger pangs and realize you have to figure something out. Either way, that is when you’ll find yourself.

You will have the most meaningful conversations with yourself during that time. You will learn more about who you are than you ever knew. Are you the fighter type? Can you figure things out when your back is up against the wall? Can you get comfortable in the lack of luxury nature provides? These are the types of things you’ll learn about yourself and you will never be the same.

When I book my “Get Lost” survival trip, I want dropped off on a sunny beach. If there are pretty girls in bikinis at this location, that would be ideal. My equipment should be a few cases of beer and a beach chair. Come back and get me in 72 hours or when the beer is gone, whichever comes first.

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Hot Women Get Torched On Reddit’s Infamous Roast

I can easily look at hot women and not see anything wrong with them at all. I’ll write about how perfect they are and what I like most about their beauty. But there are some people in this world who are clearly not like me.

They can find a flaw in anything anywhere. How they do it, I don’t know. We are two different people. I look for greatness and compliment it while they look for anything wrong that they can put down about somebody.

That’s life of course. That’s how life is. Everyone has haters and there is no other way about it. But Reddit is a little bit different. These Roasters don’t go looking for victims. The victims come looking for them. They put themselves out there and ask for it, so they need to be ready to take it. And it can get hilarious.

The Reddit Roasters are the best in the world. Even though there is a show on MTV where celebrities get roasted and Jeff Ross has practically made his fame establishing himself as the world’s premiere Roaster, Reddit has pros that can put him to shame. They are relentless. They don’t have mercy. They don’t care. But, they are hilarious and that’s really all that matters.

These hot women asked to be roasted, and they should have come with their big pants on…

Not Her KneesHot Women On PlasticThey Go There With All The Hot WomenEven Hot Women Like Meryl Streep Get RoastedIs It Too Much Make Up?How Did She Make It Through College?They Have No Bounds At AllI Mean, Damn!They Will Roast Even The Most Perfect Thing About A PersonA Smile Wouldn’t Have Saved HerHot Women, No Expression Will Save You!Her Cute Face Did Nothing For HerTake It As A WinAh Damn! You Just Can’t Hand It To ThemAnything In Your Profile GoesA Hot Women Roast Of A Different KindNiece Waidhofer

The Reddit Roasters were on top of this one, or on top of something at least. They saw this girl coming from a mile away and quickly took the roast down. I think it has something to do with her trying to be a model and she did it for exposure. But, I don’t know that for sure. Taking it down and refusing to play with her is a roast in itself. I think that’s about as harsh as it gets. Touche, Reddit! Touche!

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Urban Dictionary Names Are Exploding All Over Twitter

The Urban Dictionary has given us a lot of laughs over the years. But what’s been trending lately is the name game. People look up their names to see what they mean.

You know how it is. Someone gets bored and decides to do something that just pops in their head. This time, instead of eating a Tide Pod or setting themselves on fire, they chose something relatively more innocent. They just typed their name into the Urban Dictionary to see if anything came up.

And it went from there. They found their name. So, they tweeted about it. The next thing you know, all the bored people on the internet are looking up their names. That’s how it goes.

“ Show us your name on @urbandictionary “ pic.twitter.com/8N3lviOjxv

— Adam Richman (@AdamRichman) November 23, 2021

Niiiiiiice…. pic.twitter.com/UiMp9X9L9b

— Tat2b (@TheRealTat2B) November 23, 2021

And then, the real people come along and give everyone a new perspective…

Nobody gaf about the meaning of your name in Urban Dictionary

— calvin (@CALVIN_SOE) November 22, 2021

Nobody cares what your name means on urban dictionary I hope ya know that

— Phil McGucci (@justintaughtya) November 23, 2021

And then, someone drops the real boom…

pic.twitter.com/81Yp1NT382

— Rudy Tabuti (@myguyeli_) November 23, 2021

That tweet gives us insight into what all the other names are about. The thing about the Urban Dictionary is it’s run by the users. People write their own definitions the way they want. Instead of looking up their own names, they should have been looking up names that would give them a big laugh.

Like…KarenKarenBut Then, Kyle Comes Along…Kyle

Anyone at any time can go on Urban Dictionary and make anything up. If you want to be the awesome Kyle instead of the Monster drinking drywall punching Kyle, go on Urban Dictionary and change your own definition. In fact, I’m going to do it right now and show you how.

I came up with a word on Saturday totally by accident. I was sitting around with some friends of mine and I saw something wrong. It looked like Pu Tasm. By the end of the day, that would evolve into “putasm” and I’m not going to define it right now…

It has been submitted. Now, they have to “review” it. I guess we’ll have to see how long that takes. In the meantime, let’s look at some funny definitions you’ll find at the U.D.

Man Stand – The act of a man standing outside a shop while his wife/girlfriend/partner shops inside. Man Standing involves looking into space, at other women, or in the case of multi-story shopping centers, leaning on the railings of an upper floor watching the people below.

Irish Handcuffs- When a person is carrying an alcoholic beverage in both hands at the same time.

Shexting – texting your friends, loved ones or even your annoying co-workers whilst taking a dump on the porcelain throne.

Clutch Oven – To fart in a car full of people, crank the heat for maximum effectiveness.

And They Finally Have A Name For What I Have

Resting Douche Face – Occurs when a man’s face looks constantly angry or upset. Even when the man is in a good or decent mood, the look on his face says otherwise. In a complete state of relaxation, this man looks like a total douche, based simply on the expression of his face.

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As Adele Releases ’30,’ It Brings A Huge Revelation

Let’s put aside for a second how totally gorgeous Adele is. Let’s put the fact that she is absolutely adorable on the back burner for now. As we listen to the songs of 30, we are forced to face the fact that everyone needs her. That is how important she is to this world and there is no argument about it.

Music needs Adele! The music industry itself needed Adele and didn’t know it. In a world full of millionaires with their “uh” and “ah” grunts all through their tracks, Adele brings us music that actually fills the void. She is the balm that cures all ails. Music lovers needed to eat and other artists offer us candy while Adele brings us a full-course meal.

Can I say that about other artists like P!nk and Ed Sheeran? Yes, I can. But as you can tell by now, this is all about Adele. My love for her began a long time ago from the first song I ever heard her sing, “Hometown Glory.” And I have never heard a song of hers I did not like. In that respect, she’s just like P!nk. But back to Adele, damnit. She’s who I’m talking about right now.

Her voice is remarkably angelic. I can’t write about her without mentioning that fact. She has a voice sent to her straight from heaven, the likes of which only a few artists in history have been given.

Not just the music industry, but the world needs Adele! We can relate to her. She relates to us. She brings us songs of heartbreak and everyone knows a little something about that. She also talks about motherhood, and she hits hard at how much scrutiny is involved in fame.

Yes, artists as famous as her draw a lot of attention. But it gets ridiculous when the looking glass is so close, it picks up every flaw. No one deserves to be examined as if they are a subject under a microscope. What is most ridiculous are the ones observing her so closely with such harsh criticisms. How perfect are they? Could they survive one day in her shoes?

I can’t believe anyone could possibly have anything bad to say about Adele. But this is the world in which we live. There will always be haters for even the most perfect among us and she comes closer to perfect than most people can imagine. Yes, I said it and I meant. The world needs Adele!

Now, I wouldn’t be Michael Allen if I didn’t bring her beauty back to the conversation. I mean, wow! Her physical beauty is enhanced by her inward beauty and that makes her absolutely radiate.

Adele, Like CinderellaWith A Gorgeous SmileI Loved Her ThenAnd I Love Her NowFall In Love With Adele Again

Listen to her on Spotify!

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Paradigm Shift: Replace Them Before They Replace Us

A paradigm shift is the most appropriate term at this point, and it’s fun to say. Say it! What this world needs right now is a good ol’ fashion paradigm shift. The kind that makes the “too big to fail” rethink what they’re doing because what they’re doing isn’t right.

I can go through all the arguments and just to get them out of the way, here they are:

Minimum wage jobs are for kids in high school or working their way through college. They were never intended for the mom with three kids. But sometimes people find themselves in tough situations and that’s what they need to survive. Those companies are making billions off of the backs of those minimum wage workers and can afford to pay a higher salary. When companies have to start paying a higher salary, people will lose their jobs and the cost of products will go up.A minimum wage job is good to survive, but while training for a higher paying job.

And the argument goes on and on, around in circles. You get the gist! I know a man who was about to retire from his corporate job where he had worked for thirty years. They laid him off mere days before handing him his retirement. It was all by the law because the corporation had a big fat lawyer making sure it was done by the books. So, the man had no choice but to go out and get a job at McDonald’s. Within a year, he was a regional manager. Within three years, he owned his own and was getting ready to buy another one. So, it all depends on what you do with what you have. But let’s talk about fast-food chains like McDonald’s for a minute.

They are literally looking for any way they can to replace a worker. They have kiosks as you come in the door where you can put in your order. It takes your payment. That right there sent several jobs out the door. And that’s just the start. Robots will soon take over that whole kitchen and it will only take a handful of people to keep things running smoothly. A robot will take your order while another is flipping your burger and another is making your drink. And it will be a McDonald’s dream because that drink will actually be exactly 14 ounces for what they’re selling as a 16-ounce drink, and the ripoffs will have just begun.

If you look up Google searches in the last month, you’ll find fast food, fast food near me, fast food restaurant near me, fast food open near me, fast food places near me, and fast food restaurant, each getting searches of up to ten million a month. There is even a high volume of searches for healthy fast food. That data informs places like McDonald’s that it doesn’t matter what they do, they’ll always have customers.

A paradigm shift is going to take place one way or another. Either the fast-food joints will replace all the workers and customers will still come to the cold, empty places, talk to robot voices, and eat their processed food as if nothing’s wrong or all the customers will go somewhere else, leaving the robots to rust, abandoned buildings standing where promise used to be.

I used to love McDonald’s, but it has changed over the years. Where did the kid go? There used to be a playground. There used to be a clown statue that blew up balloons. It was a fun place. But look at it now. It grew up. McDonald’s is too good to be a kid anymore. There are some that are so bland now, it’s creepy looking at them. A McDonald’s trying to be sophisticated is about as ridiculous as a Stained Underwear Wallet! No lie! It exists…

Amazon

I’m sorry! I had to go there to make my point. The bottom line is McDonald’s just isn’t the same. The company we bought into years ago abandoned who it was and left the kid behind. If they’re willing to abandon themselves, think about all the promise they gave to their employees. College degrees? Tuition assistance programs? Upward mobility?

If McDonald’s is offering upward mobility, who the hell is making our food? How high can you go in the fast-food industry while robots are flipping burgers? Are all those promises being abandoned too or are they going to send the robots to college?

When I think about McDonald’s these days, I’d rather hit up a Bar and Grille. A nice gourmet cheeseburger with some seasoned curly fries on the side, that has my attention over a processed burger with the cheese hardly on the pattie and everything slapped together with the least little bit of attention. That’s no longer my thing. When I was a kid, it was a different place. But now, I want a cheeseburger to be a cheeseburger and I want the person making to at least give some shit about how it comes out.

That’s where the paradigm shift should be. McDonald’s workers should migrate to the more authentic friendly environment of a Bar and Grille. The tips alone are worth the shift. In fact, if you see me in a Bar and Grille where you work, let me know you bounced from a McDonald’s to take your job there. Your tip just doubled. That’s a promise.

As far as the paradigm shift I’m talking about, it should apply to anything. If you see it coming, the company is getting ready to replace your job with a robot, go somewhere you’ll be appreciated. You’ll get paid more and you’ll be happier. Replace them before they replace you. They’ll have to do some serious rethinking and they just might do the right thing. Too bad you’ll already be gone. They lost a good worker to a hard lesson, but I think it’s what they need right now.

They aren’t too big to fail. They need customers and we’re leaving. I’m not eating a burger made by a robot that is programmed to tell me that my 3-ounce burger is a Quarter Pound and my 14-ounce drink with a ton of ice is 16 ounces, the exactly ten fries dropped into the container is a large and I have to keep it rolling because the robot is only allowed thirteen seconds per customer. What kind of dining experience is that when I can be sitting in a Bar and Grille watching football and eating a burger made especially just for me? That’s a no-brainer!

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Where Is Peng Shuai? Missing Chinese Tennis Player

Peng Shuai was once ranked #1 in the world in doubles. She was the first Chinese tennis player to ever do that. But she’s in the headlines for a different reason now. It appears she has come up missing after making sexual allegations against a man who once was a top Chinese official.

Peng Shuai put out a social media post that was quickly taken down. But some people were able to read it first and by their account, the post said that Zhang Gaoli sexually assaulted her after they played a round of tennis just a few years ago. She went on to say that his wife stood guard at the door while he did it. She did not give her consent to any sexual act and she stated that she cried the entire time.

After her post was published and it got the attention it deserved, it was taken down. It has been speculated that the Chinese government itself took the post down. And then, she came up missing. As you can probably see for yourself, this is all highly suspect.

Instead of burying the story and letting it fade into yesterday’s back pages, it caught on fire. Novak Djokovic and Naomi Osaka have joined the many voices who have called for a complete investigation into the matter. China has done this in the past. They have a history of quietly detaining a person for a while for speaking out against China or doing anything that negatively reflects on them.

As part of their protocol, they tried to offer up an email that they claimed came from Peng Shuai herself:

“Chinese tennis star Peng Shuai has sent an email to Steve Simon, the WTA Chairman & CEO, CGTN has learned. The email reads:” @CGTNOfficial

Original Tweet

The question is, how stupid do they think people are? There were eagle-eyed influencers all over the internet questioning the validity of this email and even pointing out the flaws. For one, there is a cursor right in the middle of the email. That raises quite a few flags. Another issue is the tone. Is it her voice? Would she have written it that way?

People are seeing right through it and demanding that if she’s okay, she should be allowed to fly out of the country for an interview. Sounds logical. Will China agree or will they continue to think of the world as a bunch of fools?

Association of Tennis Professionals Chairman Andrea Guandenzi, “There is nothing more important to us than the safety of our tennis community. We have been deeply concerned by the uncertainty surrounding the immediate safety and whereabouts of WTA player Peng Shuai. We are encouraged by the recent assurances received by WTA that she is safe and accounted for and will continue to monitor the situation closely. Separately, we stand in full support of WTA’s call for a full, fair and transparent investigation into allegations of sexual assault carried out against Peng Shuai.”

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Amazing Gadgets That Make Great Gift Ideas

I know we haven’t even had Thanksgiving yet, but I think planning for Christmas, the GIFT season is a good idea. Especially if you have a long list and you have no idea where to start. Of course, I’m all for making presents on my own and sending them out because that makes giving gifts a little more special and gift shops just don’t have what I can put together for friends and family myself.

But, I get it. Not everyone can do that. So, some great gift ideas right off the top of my head would be a Giant Eagle gift card or an IKEA gift card. Think about it! Everyone can appreciate the gift of food and you can’t go wrong giving furniture, especially when they can go pick out the furniture they need instead of what you think they need.

Another one that comes to mind now that I think about it is a Marriott gift card. A new couple, an overworked mother, or a traveler in the family would absolutely love you for giving them a comfortable room for a few nights. You’ll never hear enough thank yous after giving a gift like that.

But if you’re looking for something a little different, this list of gadgets might be just the thing. They are handy and some of them solve some really big-time problems. If you want to put a huge smile on someone’s face, check out this list of gift ideas. I hope it helps!

Starscope

Notice how it attaches to your phone. Now, you have a waterproof monocular telescope for taking pictures. It makes blurry pictures come in very clear with a range of up to 1,000 yards. It adjusts easily. You don’t have to be a professional photographer to be able to use it. The Starscope will change how you do photography.

The Dodow Is The Gift Of Sleep

How many times have you heard your friends or family talk about how they can’t get sleep or they don’t sleep well? That’s where the Dodow comes in! Created by two insomniacs, it’s a light-based metronome that greatly reduces the amount of time it takes for anyone to fall asleep. Out faster. Sleep longer. Who couldn’t use that these days?

BarxBuddy

Do you have a dog that barks every time a leaf falls on the ground or when people pass by your front door? It can get annoying. But they don’t know. They’re just being dogs. That’s why BarxBuddy is so popular right now. These geniuses found a way to get a dog to behave without hurting it in any way. It’s done with a high-pitched sound that only they can hear and they’ll stop all that barking…immediately.

FIXD

Now, this is something everyone needs. If you’re tired of taking your car in for one thing and ending up six days later with a bill full of things you didn’t need, you will want to get FIXD. If your car is built after 1996, this device simply plugs into your car’s diagnostic port (usually easy to find under the dash) and you’ll know everything that you need to fix. Install an app on your phone and it will start notifying you of specific issues that your car is having. Not only that, it will give you an estimate of how much it’s going to cost and it can even tell you what could happen to your car if you don’t get it fixed. Yes, this gift is that amazing!

Inflate-R Is A Powerful Gift

The Inflate-R will definitely come in handy. Have you ever looked around for air and couldn’t find any? Have you ever found air and you needed quarters…which you just didn’t happen to have? These are the issues Inflate-R solves. It can pump anything up to 150 PSI, which in case you didn’t know, is just about any tire out there on cars, trucks, SUVs, campers, trailers…etc. It has a powerful battery pack, which means it won’t leave you stranded. Plus, as an added feature to this device, it can power a phone with its USB in emergencies. Now, that’s something you know will definitely come in handy.

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Ingenious Hacks That Will Have You Scratching Your Head

Even though these are some ingenious hacks, they will make you wonder how in the world anyone came up with them. I don’t like calling these things hacks because they have nothing to do with using a computer to gain access to a secure website. But some Generation came along and misappropriated the word for their own purpose. Now, it’s all some people understand.

These things are no longer known as tips or tricks. Everyone wants to use the word hack. So if that’s what people understand these things are, I guess I’ll have to call them that.

Now, I don’t expect any of you to use these ingenious hacks any time soon. But some of them might give you a good idea and that’s what’s good about them. One scratch-your-head moment can lead to another scratch-your-head moment and the next thing you know, you’re floating on a picnic table with your beer chilling in a washer and your food is grilling on the casket.

No, I haven’t lost my mind. You’re about to find out…

Lighters come up missing all the time. Friends steal them. We leave them lying around somewhere. It really is a pain sometimes to hold onto a lighter and there are times when we just have to come up with another way. This guy is using the hottest thing he can find. I guess it worked. I’ve watched a guy make a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron.

Now, this is how you have a little fun with the kids on a boring day. You can build them a makeshift rollercoaster and take them for a ride like a hero. That’s something they will talk about their entire lives.

Never lose a drone again. This is the ultimate ingenious hack. You won’t have to watch your money sink into the water ever again and go to waste. All you have to do is go out there and get it.

So, that’s where Ma’s bra went. It’s out there holding up her melons by the fence.

Disclaimer: No puns were intentionally used in this caption…

That van has to be super cool. That is a high-powered air conditioning unit that looks like it’s used to keep Madison Square Garden cool.

Sometimes, you see opportunity and you don’t know how it’s going to work out. The roll is perfect for the cup. All you can hope is that the tape does its job.

This is masterful. It’s like a skeleton’s hand holding a mirror. I actually want that on my car. No lie.

Hey, it works. That’s all that matters. This ingenious hack can blow grass and leaves off the driveway and make everything look nice. Don’t worry about how you look doing it.

This really isn’t one of the ingenious hacks, but it looks fun! It’s probably a great view too. If I saw that, I’d be up with there with him. There’s enough room. I just hope the roof can hold us.

P.S. How did he get the couch up there?

This looks like a fun time about to happen. You have a picnic table that can float on water and an engine that can make it go. What could go wrong?

I’ve never thought of this. But I will from now on. This is a great idea. When the washer isn’t in use, it can be put to good use keeping the beer cold. Can I get an, Amen?

Not too many people have an extra casket lying around. So, this family put theirs to good use. That makes a huge grill, enough space for all the food. I just hope it’s not a used casket. That would kill the mood…

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Winter The Dolphin Will Be Missed By Many

It’s a truly sad day when people around the world have a reason to mourn together. This isn’t a loss that will affect only a few. It affects everyone who came to see her because Winter the Dolphin had a way of putting a smile on everyone’s face.

With heavy hearts, CMA announced tonight that Winter the Dolphin died at approximately 8 p.m. as animal care experts from around the country worked to treat her gastrointestinal abnormality. The CMA family is devastated. @CMAquarium

Winter’s story begins with a fisherman named Jim Savage. He’s the one who found her entangled in a crab trap off the Florida coast in 2005. Her tail’s circulation had been badly cut off and would never make it through any kind of medical procedure that could possibly save it.

Reunited With Jim Savage

Winter was taken to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium where many people in the industry advised that she would never make it. It was strongly suggested to euthanize. But something kept them from doing it. The mission of the CMA is all about rescue. They don’t know how to give up and Winter didn’t either.

The dolphin with the prosthetic tail became an inspiration to people from all over the world. Some people came to Clearwater just to see the tail and see how it worked. But there were others who were truly inspired by Winter to keep going in their own struggles. Ellie Challis is one such special person who was inspired greatly by Winter. She contracted meningitis when she was just an infant and she had to fight for her life. She was able to pull through, but she lost all her limbs as a result.

Because of Winter, Ellie has taken up swimming herself with dreams of becoming a Paralympic athlete. It’s stories like Ellie’s that make Winter so special. So special that she was the star of her own movie, Dolphin Tale. She starred alongside such huge names as Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, and Harry Connick Jr. But if you asked them, I would imagine they would all agree she was the star of the show. There was even a Dolphin Tale 2 because the first one was so successful.

It’s that fighting spirit Winter the Dolphin instilled in others. They came from all over the world to see her, and they each had a story of their own. Winter will be greatly missed, but she will never be forgotten as Clearwater Mayor Frank Hibbard put it, “Her tail prints are all over the aquarium forever.”

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Mom, This Cotton Candy Lobster Doesn’t Taste Right

No! We won’t be eating that one. The Cotton Candy Lobster is very rare as in 1 in 100 million and the Seafood company that caught it, Get Maine Lobster is actually going to put it in an aquarium. That’s right! It won’t be seeing a pot on a stove any time soon.

Was that the first thing you thought of? I can imagine anyone reading the headlines on this one thought first, I wonder who gets to eat it. There will always be someone with deep pockets who would want to swoop in and take a picture of it on a plate for their wall of trophies.

But it will actually serve better in an aquarium. Speaking for the Seafood company of course. They get to say they saved the rare guy and look at it, being kept alive in a nice aquarium with plenty of people around gawking at it and poking on the glass sides to get its attention.

I mean, really. To be honest, it had a boring life in the ocean. The thing about it, that Cotton Candy Lobster didn’t even know it. What do they do? They scurry around on the bottom of the ocean waiting for something bigger to come along and eat it. But, it was a star and it was about to be discovered.

She’ll be a huge celebrity for the rest of her cotton candy life. She’ll be treated like royalty with lights shining on her all day and night. They’ve already named her Haddie and she’ll be giving autographs and taking pictures with the fans. I just hope she can keep it together. It’s rough being thrust into stardom all of a sudden. Just ask any of the child celebrities who started getting into trouble in their teens.

I’m just picturing a little girl visiting Haddie with bright, starry eyes. She looks up at her mother and asks, “Mommy, does it taste like cotton candy?”

“I don’t know, honey,” her mother answers knowing that it doesn’t, but she doesn’t want to break her daughter’s little heart.

So, the little princess licks the side of the aquarium to find out…

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