Mark R. Hunter's Blog, page 77
December 28, 2015
Fun With Icy Sinuses
I missed all the fun and exciting ice/wind storm stuff today due to a little post-operative problem. No, as predictable as it would be, I do not have another sinus infection.
I have a SUPER sinus infection. The doc gave me two shots of kryptonite today, and if that doesn’t work, he’s sending in Batman.
Boy, I wish I was kidding about the shots. I can barely sit down.
But at least we have power, for now, and a lot of people around here don’t. Just a quick reminder, so you don’t end up with the kind of pain I’m in: Be very cautious of fire, whether candles to light your home, or auxiliary heating like kerosene. Fire danger is high, and with open flames or generators, there’s a carbon monoxide hazard. Remember that just because downed power lines are quiet doesn’t mean they’re not live, and just because you can’t see ice doesn’t mean you aren’t about to look like Charlie Brown kicking the football. Be careful.
I have a SUPER sinus infection. The doc gave me two shots of kryptonite today, and if that doesn’t work, he’s sending in Batman.
Boy, I wish I was kidding about the shots. I can barely sit down.
But at least we have power, for now, and a lot of people around here don’t. Just a quick reminder, so you don’t end up with the kind of pain I’m in: Be very cautious of fire, whether candles to light your home, or auxiliary heating like kerosene. Fire danger is high, and with open flames or generators, there’s a carbon monoxide hazard. Remember that just because downed power lines are quiet doesn’t mean they’re not live, and just because you can’t see ice doesn’t mean you aren’t about to look like Charlie Brown kicking the football. Be careful.
Ice, Ice, Baby … and Snow
Well, it seems we’re in for a return to normal weather here in Northern Indiana … can’t say I’m thrilled with the idea. As I write this there’s freezing rain coming in; by the time you read this, it will have arrived, or not. Then it’ll get cold, which again—not a fan.
Just the same, we seem to be one of the quiet spots around the country at the moment. There are blizzard, flood, winter storm, and ice storm warnings across the nation, winter storm and flash flood watches, more thunderstorm forecasts threatening tornadoes across the south, and even a few places that might be uncomfortably warm.
All of this gives us something to talk (and write) about, but that doesn’t make it fun. Be careful! Stay safe, dry, and prepared.
Just the same, we seem to be one of the quiet spots around the country at the moment. There are blizzard, flood, winter storm, and ice storm warnings across the nation, winter storm and flash flood watches, more thunderstorm forecasts threatening tornadoes across the south, and even a few places that might be uncomfortably warm.
All of this gives us something to talk (and write) about, but that doesn’t make it fun. Be careful! Stay safe, dry, and prepared.
December 27, 2015
How the Grinch Spent Christmas
I was waiting for this to be released on video and as a result waited too long … so now here’s my new Christmas column, coming out just in time for my youngest daughter’s birthday. I thought of deleting “Scrooge” and putting in “Jill”, but it just didn’t work.
This is a busy time of year for my publisher, and I’d imagine they couldn’t find the time to do the animation—hopefully next year. Meanwhile, you just have to read this and imagine my voice or, perhaps better, don’t. It was originally in print in the 4County Mall (previously the Kendallville Mall), then on their website here:
http://www.4countymall.com/mark-hunte...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK:
How the Grinch Spent Christmas
I was in Dollar General—
I don’t make this stuff up—
When I ran into the Grinch,
And his reindeer, the pup.
“What brings you to town?” I asked, to be nice.
“The last time I heard you suffered the vice
Of hating all Christmas, the presents and lights;
Yet you stand in the isle of Yuletide delights.”
It’s true: We were right in the holiday lane,
The same place I cursed when Halloween came.
There were pine trees by pumpkins, costumes with wreaths.
You could get pumpkin spice with mint or with wraiths.
(See what I did, there?)
“I’ve joined the club”, he told me with a sneer.
“I’m going full out on Christmas this year.
I’m buying up lights and tinsel and stuff;
Don’t know what this is, but I can’t get enough.”
The thing he held up was a Thanksgiving display,
On clearance from last month, but I didn’t say.
“But I don’t understand,” I told the green guy.
“I thought you hate Christmas, and want it to die.”
“Oh, I do,” said the Grinch, with a Darth Vader like laugh.
(I don’t think Vader chortled, so that may be a gaff.)
“I’m joining the club; I’m going all in.
The result is a club they won’t want to be in!
“I’m putting up stockings, a tree in each room,
Outside speakers from which carols will boom.
Gaudy garland to drape all over my cave,
And starting that evening: all night holiday rave.
“I’ll have not tree skirts—oh no, tree gowns!
My garland will go wrapping around and around
Not just my home but the whole doggone mountain—
And a red, green, and yellow spice flavored fountain.
“Candles and pillows and shelves of snow globes,
Warm but so gaudy sweaters and robes,
Pillows and rugs and a gingerbread house—
And my wife will be decored … if I find me a spouse.
“Decoration limits? We won’t have any lid.
My holiday lights will take down the whole grid!
I’ll blind passing planes, then I’ll darken the state.
And then I’ll light candles and start a clean slate.
“And, oh yes, I’ll put my own name up in a blaze,
In rich Christmas colors, to cut through the haze
So all the Who’s down in Whoeville, that dump
Will know it is I who gave Christmas a bump.”
I have to admit, I was a bit mystified.
When it comes to the Grinch—well, this wasn’t the side
You think of when picturing this big green guy.
(Sure, he’s no Hulk, but still.)
So with great trepidation, I had to ask: “Why?”
“Why? You want to know why?”
(He sounded very much like Jack Nicolson at this point.)
“I’ll tell you why.
“My plan can’t be stopped, so I’ll tell you the reason:
By the time I’m done you’ll be sick of this season.
Everyone will hate Christmas: The music will grate,
The spice cinnamon stuff will make them hesitate
“To go out and carol, even if it fat free!
Or at least that’s how I’d feel, if caroling me.
And when it’s all done, they’ll feel the same way
As they feel about me—the Grinch—every day.”
I have to admit, he’d made a good plan.
Immersion attack from a Christmas hit man.
And it would have worked too, except he didn’t see
It had already been done, with consumerist glee.
I began to explain, but we’d hit the checkout,
And I realized what he was about to find out.
The clerk rang it up, a green sounding ring,
The numbers kept rising with every new bling.
The Grinch stumbled back, his hand to his head.
“With that bill the reindeer dog won’t get fed,
The heat will go off, hot chocolate won’t trickle—
I’ll end up a homeless, frozen Grinch-cicle!”
And he left his load there: every last light and trinket.
“If I knew of the cost I never would think it!
I’m going old school, next year I’ll lay low
And steal all the stuff from the Who’s down below.”
It’s an odd way to save Christmas, I think you’ll agree.
But that’s just how it happened … take it from me.
This is a busy time of year for my publisher, and I’d imagine they couldn’t find the time to do the animation—hopefully next year. Meanwhile, you just have to read this and imagine my voice or, perhaps better, don’t. It was originally in print in the 4County Mall (previously the Kendallville Mall), then on their website here:
http://www.4countymall.com/mark-hunte...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK:
How the Grinch Spent Christmas
I was in Dollar General—
I don’t make this stuff up—
When I ran into the Grinch,
And his reindeer, the pup.
“What brings you to town?” I asked, to be nice.
“The last time I heard you suffered the vice
Of hating all Christmas, the presents and lights;
Yet you stand in the isle of Yuletide delights.”
It’s true: We were right in the holiday lane,
The same place I cursed when Halloween came.
There were pine trees by pumpkins, costumes with wreaths.
You could get pumpkin spice with mint or with wraiths.
(See what I did, there?)
“I’ve joined the club”, he told me with a sneer.
“I’m going full out on Christmas this year.
I’m buying up lights and tinsel and stuff;
Don’t know what this is, but I can’t get enough.”
The thing he held up was a Thanksgiving display,
On clearance from last month, but I didn’t say.
“But I don’t understand,” I told the green guy.
“I thought you hate Christmas, and want it to die.”
“Oh, I do,” said the Grinch, with a Darth Vader like laugh.
(I don’t think Vader chortled, so that may be a gaff.)
“I’m joining the club; I’m going all in.
The result is a club they won’t want to be in!
“I’m putting up stockings, a tree in each room,
Outside speakers from which carols will boom.
Gaudy garland to drape all over my cave,
And starting that evening: all night holiday rave.
“I’ll have not tree skirts—oh no, tree gowns!
My garland will go wrapping around and around
Not just my home but the whole doggone mountain—
And a red, green, and yellow spice flavored fountain.
“Candles and pillows and shelves of snow globes,
Warm but so gaudy sweaters and robes,
Pillows and rugs and a gingerbread house—
And my wife will be decored … if I find me a spouse.
“Decoration limits? We won’t have any lid.
My holiday lights will take down the whole grid!
I’ll blind passing planes, then I’ll darken the state.
And then I’ll light candles and start a clean slate.
“And, oh yes, I’ll put my own name up in a blaze,
In rich Christmas colors, to cut through the haze
So all the Who’s down in Whoeville, that dump
Will know it is I who gave Christmas a bump.”
I have to admit, I was a bit mystified.
When it comes to the Grinch—well, this wasn’t the side
You think of when picturing this big green guy.
(Sure, he’s no Hulk, but still.)
So with great trepidation, I had to ask: “Why?”
“Why? You want to know why?”
(He sounded very much like Jack Nicolson at this point.)
“I’ll tell you why.
“My plan can’t be stopped, so I’ll tell you the reason:
By the time I’m done you’ll be sick of this season.
Everyone will hate Christmas: The music will grate,
The spice cinnamon stuff will make them hesitate
“To go out and carol, even if it fat free!
Or at least that’s how I’d feel, if caroling me.
And when it’s all done, they’ll feel the same way
As they feel about me—the Grinch—every day.”
I have to admit, he’d made a good plan.
Immersion attack from a Christmas hit man.
And it would have worked too, except he didn’t see
It had already been done, with consumerist glee.
I began to explain, but we’d hit the checkout,
And I realized what he was about to find out.
The clerk rang it up, a green sounding ring,
The numbers kept rising with every new bling.
The Grinch stumbled back, his hand to his head.
“With that bill the reindeer dog won’t get fed,
The heat will go off, hot chocolate won’t trickle—
I’ll end up a homeless, frozen Grinch-cicle!”
And he left his load there: every last light and trinket.
“If I knew of the cost I never would think it!
I’m going old school, next year I’ll lay low
And steal all the stuff from the Who’s down below.”
It’s an odd way to save Christmas, I think you’ll agree.
But that’s just how it happened … take it from me.
December 26, 2015
Post-Christmas Cheer
I always get in the mood for Christmas right after Christmas. I can’t explain why, but the day after Christmas, when everyone and his brother completely stops playing Christmas music, is when I want to hear it. Well, that’s what CD’s are for. This year I might just let it go early, since my oldest daughter got me the new Star Wars movie score as a gift. A day spent writing and sipping tea with John Williams playing in the background? Yes, please.
Between my surgery, overtime, and various other factors, there wasn’t much lead time this year, so Christmas came and went in a flash … or is that part of getting older? Although it’s over, I’d like to share one of my favorite, if badly rhymed, Christmas columns:
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2013/...
Also, you can still read/download my new Christmas short story, and two other short stories, on our website:
http://markrhunter.com/extras.html
Between my surgery, overtime, and various other factors, there wasn’t much lead time this year, so Christmas came and went in a flash … or is that part of getting older? Although it’s over, I’d like to share one of my favorite, if badly rhymed, Christmas columns:
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2013/...
Also, you can still read/download my new Christmas short story, and two other short stories, on our website:
http://markrhunter.com/extras.html
December 21, 2015
Happy Birthday, Sunny
Today’s the birthday of my wife Emily, who was born on what’s usually the first day of winter—or, more optimistically, the time when the days start getting longer. (This year winter comes a day late.) The way I see it, that just makes her nickname, Sunny, that much more appropriate.
You have to wonder what Emily expected when she agreed to marry me. It certainly couldn’t have been Indiana winters, every medical malady known to man, and the strange, long hours of a third shifter who’s also a struggling writer.
She’s become my editor, book designer, nurse, dog wrangler, traveling partner, photographer, best friend, and—oh yeah—the love of my life. And she puts up with my puns. She doesn’t like them, but she puts up with them. See, this is how I know she loves me: Why else stick around?
Emily is also my inspiration. I know without a doubt that without her, I wouldn’t have had as much writing success as I have—she pushes me, promotes me, and encourages me. Boy, do writers need encouragement these days. We have seven books out, and two more almost ready to go … without her I’d have managed maybe three by now. Our self-published projects would have been impossible for me to do alone.
I’m still on the mend from my sinus surgery and not feeling great, and there’s overtime this week, so I can’t say how good of a birthday I’ll give her this year. But, as with the first day of winter, there’s that glimmer of more sunshine in the future. In other words, by next year I hope to have my act together. Either way, I’m already a better person for knowing my Sunny; love does that.
You have to wonder what Emily expected when she agreed to marry me. It certainly couldn’t have been Indiana winters, every medical malady known to man, and the strange, long hours of a third shifter who’s also a struggling writer.
She’s become my editor, book designer, nurse, dog wrangler, traveling partner, photographer, best friend, and—oh yeah—the love of my life. And she puts up with my puns. She doesn’t like them, but she puts up with them. See, this is how I know she loves me: Why else stick around?
Emily is also my inspiration. I know without a doubt that without her, I wouldn’t have had as much writing success as I have—she pushes me, promotes me, and encourages me. Boy, do writers need encouragement these days. We have seven books out, and two more almost ready to go … without her I’d have managed maybe three by now. Our self-published projects would have been impossible for me to do alone.
I’m still on the mend from my sinus surgery and not feeling great, and there’s overtime this week, so I can’t say how good of a birthday I’ll give her this year. But, as with the first day of winter, there’s that glimmer of more sunshine in the future. In other words, by next year I hope to have my act together. Either way, I’m already a better person for knowing my Sunny; love does that.
December 20, 2015
Merry Trek-mas!
Emily made this Christmas decoration a few years ago. See if you can guess what it’s called … you SF fans, you should be able to figure it out.
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2015/...
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2015/...
December 19, 2015
My Voice Can Tell of My Winterizing Fail
From Scher Maihem Studios … my voice before I had sinus surgery!
And probably still my voice after, too. But here’s my column about winterizing, which you may have read last month under “Winterizing’s Not for the Weak” – now on audio with some whimsical video to go along. Personally I’m not a fan of my own voice, although I sound just find singing, as long as it’s in the shower without witnesses.
https://player.vimeo.com/video/147178362
Don’t forget, you can always see my Slightly Off the Mark column first in the Kendallville Mall!
Or:
From Scher Maihem Studios … my voice before I had sinus surgery!
And probably still my voice after, too. But here’s my column about winterizing, which you may have read last month under “Winterizing’s Not for the Weak” – now on audio with some whimsical video to go along. Personally I’m not a fan of my own voice, although I sound just find singing, as long as it’s in the shower without witnesses.
https://player.vimeo.com/video/147178362
Or see below if my computer talents work ... but I doubt it. Don’t forget, you can always see my Slightly Off the Mark column first in the Kendallville Mall!
And probably still my voice after, too. But here’s my column about winterizing, which you may have read last month under “Winterizing’s Not for the Weak” – now on audio with some whimsical video to go along. Personally I’m not a fan of my own voice, although I sound just find singing, as long as it’s in the shower without witnesses.
https://player.vimeo.com/video/147178362
Don’t forget, you can always see my Slightly Off the Mark column first in the Kendallville Mall!
Or:
From Scher Maihem Studios … my voice before I had sinus surgery!
And probably still my voice after, too. But here’s my column about winterizing, which you may have read last month under “Winterizing’s Not for the Weak” – now on audio with some whimsical video to go along. Personally I’m not a fan of my own voice, although I sound just find singing, as long as it’s in the shower without witnesses.
https://player.vimeo.com/video/147178362
Or see below if my computer talents work ... but I doubt it. Don’t forget, you can always see my Slightly Off the Mark column first in the Kendallville Mall!
Winterizing-SOTM from Scher Maihem Studios on Vimeo.
December 18, 2015
Free short story: “Look Outside”
Here’s our Christmas present to fans, readers, friends, non-fans, and … well, non-readers maybe won’t appreciate it. Just go to our website extras page at http://markrhunter.com/extras.html, and you’ll find a new short story, “Look Outside’, as well as stories from the previous two years. Download the PDF and enjoy on the device of your choice, and let me know if you like it!
The No-Campfire Girls first paired Beth Hamlin and Cassidy Quinn, and in “Look Outside” we find they’ve developed a long-distance friendship: Beth lives in northern Indiana and Cassidy at the southern end of the state. Both are missing a parent at Christmastime, and it takes an extra holiday effort to cheer them up.
We previously met Beth in all four of my published works of fiction: Storm Chaser, Storm Chaser Shorts, The Notorious Ian Grant, and The No-Campfire Girls. In addition to her appearance in the latter work, Cassidy is the lead in a so-far unpublished YA mystery, Red is For Ick. Don’t worry: Although events from other stories are mentioned, you don’t have to read them to enjoy the story … although I’d be happy if you did.
Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!
The No-Campfire Girls first paired Beth Hamlin and Cassidy Quinn, and in “Look Outside” we find they’ve developed a long-distance friendship: Beth lives in northern Indiana and Cassidy at the southern end of the state. Both are missing a parent at Christmastime, and it takes an extra holiday effort to cheer them up.
We previously met Beth in all four of my published works of fiction: Storm Chaser, Storm Chaser Shorts, The Notorious Ian Grant, and The No-Campfire Girls. In addition to her appearance in the latter work, Cassidy is the lead in a so-far unpublished YA mystery, Red is For Ick. Don’t worry: Although events from other stories are mentioned, you don’t have to read them to enjoy the story … although I’d be happy if you did.
Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!
December 15, 2015
Moving Copies of Sometimes Moving Books
Apparently this is the last couple of days you can order something and still be sure to get it before Christmas, which includes my books if you don’t buy them locally. I know … usually I try to hide my sales pitches behind humor, but honestly I’m exhausted.
A few days ago Noble Art Gallery asked for more copies of Images of America: Albion and Noble County, and I’m told Albion Village Foods has sent off for additional copies three times now. I don’t know how sales are going at Doc’s Hardware, Black Pine Animal Sanctuary, or the Old Jail Museum (which isn’t open this time of year), but as soon as I get medical clearance I’m going to do my happy dance.
Meanwhile I just finished another polishing of my newest book, now with the working title of Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest Without Moving at All. Emily has it for a fresh-eye review, and if we don’t get a bite from a publisher, we’ll probably self-publish in mid-Spring.
Also meanwhile, look for a free Christmas themed short story soon, as a present from us to you.
As always, check us out at www.markrhunter.com, because sometimes you just need a little book … or a big book. But most of mine skew shorter.
A few days ago Noble Art Gallery asked for more copies of Images of America: Albion and Noble County, and I’m told Albion Village Foods has sent off for additional copies three times now. I don’t know how sales are going at Doc’s Hardware, Black Pine Animal Sanctuary, or the Old Jail Museum (which isn’t open this time of year), but as soon as I get medical clearance I’m going to do my happy dance.
Meanwhile I just finished another polishing of my newest book, now with the working title of Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest Without Moving at All. Emily has it for a fresh-eye review, and if we don’t get a bite from a publisher, we’ll probably self-publish in mid-Spring.
Also meanwhile, look for a free Christmas themed short story soon, as a present from us to you.
As always, check us out at www.markrhunter.com, because sometimes you just need a little book … or a big book. But most of mine skew shorter.
December 14, 2015
You Can't Curse At Antarctic Dogs in England, and other strange laws
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
You probably think the US Congress, our nation’s legislative body, comes up with some really crazy laws and makes insane, or at least dumb, decisions.
You’d be right.
However, they’re not the only ones. Across the world, there are laws, rules, and regulations that are just a bit … strange. That doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t make sense, but they’re definitely attention grabbing. As we hit once again the dog-days of election season (November-October) let’s take a look at some.
Speaking of dogs, there was a time when dogsleds were the only way to get around in Antarctica, a place perpetually frozen. I know what you’re thinking: Couldn’t we relocate America’s Capitol to there, and let all that hot air thaw it out? Well, no. First, it wouldn’t be such a good idea to thaw Antarctica. Haven’t you ever seen The Thing?
Second, Antarctica doesn’t belong to the people of the USA. Of course, these days neither does our Capitol.
Sorry for my dogged political jokes. My point is it’s a good thing powered equipment came along, because it’s no longer legal to have dogs in Antarctica, something the dogs are no doubt happy about. Why? Because it’s illegal to have any non-indigenous species in Antarctica. After all, look at the bad things that happen when non-native species are introduced to an area. Hordes of dogs could destroy the entire continent’s ecosystem.
If hordes of dogs would survive down there.
Just the same, I support this, for the sake of penguins and … um … fish.
Speaking of politicians, there’s one thing that will keep you out of political office in the great state of Tennessee. Well, two things – you have to actually live in Tennessee if you run for election. I doubt they’d take to carpetbaggers, either … you hear that, Hillary Clinton?
But back to the point: It’s illegal in Tennessee to hold elected office if you don’t believe in God. Discrimination, you say? Maybe, but it’s also illegal to seek public office if you’re a member of the clergy. Or if you’ve ever had anything to do with dueling, such as setting up a gun fight between a preacher and an atheist. And yet, for all that, they don’t have trouble finding people to run for office.
What do we take from this? If you’re an atheist in Tennessee, you don’t have a prayer.
Yeah, I went there.
Let’s go back a ways – say, to 1403. About that time some people in Wales rebelled against the King of England, Henry IV, who was just half the man Henry VIII would be. Being a king, Henry naturally enacted a law allowing his subjects to, well, hang any Welshman they found within the rebellion-hotbed city of Chester, in northwest England.
Furthermore, Henry added, he wanted to keep his subjects both entertained and skilled at fighting. So, he allowed them to shoot at any Welshman within arrow distance of the town.
It wasn’t nice; it’s just the way things were done back then. What makes this law remarkable is that … wait for it …
It’s still a law.
So if you live in Chester, and you own a crossbow – go for it, dude! You’re all good.
Maybe the Welsh should do what Sao Paulo, Brazil, does. Over 41 million people live there, making it one of the largest provinces in the world. Why so many people?
Maybe because, by city ordinance, no one living in the city of Biritiba-Mirim within the province is allowed to … stop living.
It’s a tough rule to enforce. I mean, how do you punish people who break it? The death penalty?
Turns out the rule was made to protest to a national law, something we Americans can understand. The country as a whole prohibits new cemeteries in environmentally sensitive areas, and Biritba-Mirin sits on a major water source. The city has run out of cemetery space, a grave situation, although … do you really want to feel like you’re drinking your ancestors?
For now, if people break the rule in Biritba-Mirin and pass away, they end up sharing a crypt with another body – or they end up buried under local sidewalks. So either you’re on a party line to the afterlife, or you feel like someone’s walking on your grave.
Back in England, there’s also one place where it’s illegal to die: the House of Parliament. Why? Because anyone who kicks the bucket there is automatically entitled to a state funeral. Imagine some loud American tourist standing there in his Hawaiian shirt, who suddenly chokes on a ham sandwich and – as they say – bites the big one. Yeah, they gotta give him a state funeral.
It’s also illegal to wear a suit of armor inside Parliament, but I’m picturing them repealing that rule and sticking the dead tourist in one, so he doesn’t look out of place during the festivities.
But at least you can chew gum. In Singapore, they’ll cane you for that. The place is a little … uptight.
Finally, here’s my favorite somewhat odd law of them all, not because of its oddity but because I can relate:
In New Orleans, it’s illegal to curse at firefighters.
The idea is that while a firefighter is, say, running into a burning building, or doing CPR on a heart attack victim, or extricating people from a wrecked car, he’s probably stressed enough. He doesn’t need, “Hey! You’re a lousy firefighter, you @%#&!”
So be nice to firefighters. For all you know, they may have just adopted some poor unemployed Antarctic dog.
You probably think the US Congress, our nation’s legislative body, comes up with some really crazy laws and makes insane, or at least dumb, decisions.
You’d be right.
However, they’re not the only ones. Across the world, there are laws, rules, and regulations that are just a bit … strange. That doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t make sense, but they’re definitely attention grabbing. As we hit once again the dog-days of election season (November-October) let’s take a look at some.
Speaking of dogs, there was a time when dogsleds were the only way to get around in Antarctica, a place perpetually frozen. I know what you’re thinking: Couldn’t we relocate America’s Capitol to there, and let all that hot air thaw it out? Well, no. First, it wouldn’t be such a good idea to thaw Antarctica. Haven’t you ever seen The Thing?
Second, Antarctica doesn’t belong to the people of the USA. Of course, these days neither does our Capitol.
Sorry for my dogged political jokes. My point is it’s a good thing powered equipment came along, because it’s no longer legal to have dogs in Antarctica, something the dogs are no doubt happy about. Why? Because it’s illegal to have any non-indigenous species in Antarctica. After all, look at the bad things that happen when non-native species are introduced to an area. Hordes of dogs could destroy the entire continent’s ecosystem.
If hordes of dogs would survive down there.
Just the same, I support this, for the sake of penguins and … um … fish.
Speaking of politicians, there’s one thing that will keep you out of political office in the great state of Tennessee. Well, two things – you have to actually live in Tennessee if you run for election. I doubt they’d take to carpetbaggers, either … you hear that, Hillary Clinton?
But back to the point: It’s illegal in Tennessee to hold elected office if you don’t believe in God. Discrimination, you say? Maybe, but it’s also illegal to seek public office if you’re a member of the clergy. Or if you’ve ever had anything to do with dueling, such as setting up a gun fight between a preacher and an atheist. And yet, for all that, they don’t have trouble finding people to run for office.
What do we take from this? If you’re an atheist in Tennessee, you don’t have a prayer.
Yeah, I went there.
Let’s go back a ways – say, to 1403. About that time some people in Wales rebelled against the King of England, Henry IV, who was just half the man Henry VIII would be. Being a king, Henry naturally enacted a law allowing his subjects to, well, hang any Welshman they found within the rebellion-hotbed city of Chester, in northwest England.
Furthermore, Henry added, he wanted to keep his subjects both entertained and skilled at fighting. So, he allowed them to shoot at any Welshman within arrow distance of the town.
It wasn’t nice; it’s just the way things were done back then. What makes this law remarkable is that … wait for it …
It’s still a law.
So if you live in Chester, and you own a crossbow – go for it, dude! You’re all good.
Maybe the Welsh should do what Sao Paulo, Brazil, does. Over 41 million people live there, making it one of the largest provinces in the world. Why so many people?
Maybe because, by city ordinance, no one living in the city of Biritiba-Mirim within the province is allowed to … stop living.
It’s a tough rule to enforce. I mean, how do you punish people who break it? The death penalty?
Turns out the rule was made to protest to a national law, something we Americans can understand. The country as a whole prohibits new cemeteries in environmentally sensitive areas, and Biritba-Mirin sits on a major water source. The city has run out of cemetery space, a grave situation, although … do you really want to feel like you’re drinking your ancestors?
For now, if people break the rule in Biritba-Mirin and pass away, they end up sharing a crypt with another body – or they end up buried under local sidewalks. So either you’re on a party line to the afterlife, or you feel like someone’s walking on your grave.
Back in England, there’s also one place where it’s illegal to die: the House of Parliament. Why? Because anyone who kicks the bucket there is automatically entitled to a state funeral. Imagine some loud American tourist standing there in his Hawaiian shirt, who suddenly chokes on a ham sandwich and – as they say – bites the big one. Yeah, they gotta give him a state funeral.
It’s also illegal to wear a suit of armor inside Parliament, but I’m picturing them repealing that rule and sticking the dead tourist in one, so he doesn’t look out of place during the festivities.
But at least you can chew gum. In Singapore, they’ll cane you for that. The place is a little … uptight.
Finally, here’s my favorite somewhat odd law of them all, not because of its oddity but because I can relate:
In New Orleans, it’s illegal to curse at firefighters.
The idea is that while a firefighter is, say, running into a burning building, or doing CPR on a heart attack victim, or extricating people from a wrecked car, he’s probably stressed enough. He doesn’t need, “Hey! You’re a lousy firefighter, you @%#&!”
So be nice to firefighters. For all you know, they may have just adopted some poor unemployed Antarctic dog.
