Mark R. Hunter's Blog, page 73
March 27, 2016
Happy Easter
Happy Easter, everyone!
Been feeling a little under the weather, so we’re taking the day off (well, after I got off work at 7 a.m.) Then: It’s right back to copy and photo editing for Hoosier Hysterical. After all, two full time jobs keeps me out of trouble.
It’s not only Easter, but Walking Dead night. Which, come to think of it … irony.
Been feeling a little under the weather, so we’re taking the day off (well, after I got off work at 7 a.m.) Then: It’s right back to copy and photo editing for Hoosier Hysterical. After all, two full time jobs keeps me out of trouble.
It’s not only Easter, but Walking Dead night. Which, come to think of it … irony.
March 25, 2016
What Kind of Idiot Goes the Speed Limit?
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
There was a time when I was the same reckless driver I now complain about. My first two cars were fast, and I liked to believe I was the stuntman for “Starsky and Hutch”. (Look it up, kids.)
I actually jumped my first car. I mean, all four wheels off the ground. On purpose.
It was stupid. And that’s the difference between me and other people who drove like that: I’m not proud of it. I wasn’t skilled: I was lucky. (And stupid.) The only reason I never totaled my first car is because the engine blew first. The only reason I didn’t total my second car is because the officer who wrote the speeding ticket swore he only caught up with me because of the stop sign. That made me think.
I thought, “This is stupid”.
These days I’m that guy you’re tailgating, who drives like your grandma. “What’s the matter with that guy? He’s going the speed limit! What kind of idiot goes the speed limit?”
Me. It helps that I’ve seen a lot of dead bodies at accident scenes, which is really attention-grabbing.
Winter is the time when we tend to weed out the reckless, at least until they get their rides replaced. That white stuff on the road? It’s not sand from Jamaica, folks. Snow sent me into the ditch three times in my younger years, and what I learned is that the ditch is fine if you’re a drainage consultant or a ditch digger, but it’s not so good for travel.
We’re nearing the end of the latest never-ending Indiana winter, so freezing precipitation is only possible for another few months or so. This late it tends to melt off within a day of the moment I finish shoveling. What have we learned from another season of slippery roads?
Well, the first thing we learn, every year, is that people don’t learn every year. The first snow “event” of the fall brings the same thing: People sliding off roads all over. In cars, I mean. Some are brand new drivers, or just unlucky, but a lot are idiots. Many of the unlucky are victims of the moronic.
“I’ve driven in Indiana for thirty years, and nobody ever told me snow could be slippery! I’ll sue! I should have sued when this happened last year!”
That just doesn’t sound like the voice of reason.
The problem with stressing snow is that some people assume when the snow is plowed, the danger is over. “You can’t say black ice! That’s racist!” Fine, call it Sudden Ice Syndrome, then. SIS kills.
Freezing rain? By definition, it’s freezing. Some people only seem to hear “wa-wa rain”.
On a related note, I wonder what would happen if the movie “Frozen” was real? Wouldn’t everyone who came close to Elsa end up with strains, sprains, and concussions? Hopefully Kristoff’s sled has four wheel drive.
Not that it would help, which brings us to one of the big dangers: people who put too much faith in all-wheel drive. “Yes, I know it’s snowing, but I have an SUV!” Does the first letter stand for Stupid? It does if you drive 70 in dry weather, and also 70 in wet weather.
Yeah, I see you driving behind me, and you know what? The closer you get to my taillights, the more I’m going to slow down. That’s why I’m going 53 now.
There’s no point in me being the 532nd person this month to point out that four wheel drive does absolutely no good on ice. The people who need to hear it aren’t listening. They’re listening to their car stereo, maybe, or more likely their cell phone. They’re also cussing a lot, because that’s me glued to their front bumper, and I’m now doing 49.
Not only do SUV drivers get up to speed in bad weather (when not behind me), they go out when they don’t have to. What’s the best rule of driving in ice or snow? Don’t. My wife can, and does, make fun of me for being a weather junkie, but I can tell her three days ahead if there might be bad weather. Maybe there won’t be, but if you’re almost out of bread anyway, why not stock up? And get some dog food too, so the mutt won’t be tempted to eat his owners in a worst case scenario. Then, if the bad forecast doesn’t pan out … so what?
But four wheel drivers think, “Let’s go out!” I suppose you people ski and ice fish too. Oh … you do? Never mind.
I’ve seen a lot of bad driving, and I’ve done some of it. In the end, I can only conclude that people who ignore bad weather should be lumped in with those who don’t use seat belts, or have no idea what a turn signal is for. There’s a special place in hell for them, right below women who don’t vote for Hillary. (Hey, I didn’t say it.)
But there is one good thing about dumb drivers. When the road conditions are good for maybe 45 mph, and you get passed by some moron who wants to go 60, there’s no better feeling in the world than going on another two miles … to find him spinning his wheels in a ditch.
There was a time when I was the same reckless driver I now complain about. My first two cars were fast, and I liked to believe I was the stuntman for “Starsky and Hutch”. (Look it up, kids.)
I actually jumped my first car. I mean, all four wheels off the ground. On purpose.
It was stupid. And that’s the difference between me and other people who drove like that: I’m not proud of it. I wasn’t skilled: I was lucky. (And stupid.) The only reason I never totaled my first car is because the engine blew first. The only reason I didn’t total my second car is because the officer who wrote the speeding ticket swore he only caught up with me because of the stop sign. That made me think.
I thought, “This is stupid”.
These days I’m that guy you’re tailgating, who drives like your grandma. “What’s the matter with that guy? He’s going the speed limit! What kind of idiot goes the speed limit?”
Me. It helps that I’ve seen a lot of dead bodies at accident scenes, which is really attention-grabbing.
Winter is the time when we tend to weed out the reckless, at least until they get their rides replaced. That white stuff on the road? It’s not sand from Jamaica, folks. Snow sent me into the ditch three times in my younger years, and what I learned is that the ditch is fine if you’re a drainage consultant or a ditch digger, but it’s not so good for travel.
We’re nearing the end of the latest never-ending Indiana winter, so freezing precipitation is only possible for another few months or so. This late it tends to melt off within a day of the moment I finish shoveling. What have we learned from another season of slippery roads?
Well, the first thing we learn, every year, is that people don’t learn every year. The first snow “event” of the fall brings the same thing: People sliding off roads all over. In cars, I mean. Some are brand new drivers, or just unlucky, but a lot are idiots. Many of the unlucky are victims of the moronic.
“I’ve driven in Indiana for thirty years, and nobody ever told me snow could be slippery! I’ll sue! I should have sued when this happened last year!”
That just doesn’t sound like the voice of reason.
The problem with stressing snow is that some people assume when the snow is plowed, the danger is over. “You can’t say black ice! That’s racist!” Fine, call it Sudden Ice Syndrome, then. SIS kills.
Freezing rain? By definition, it’s freezing. Some people only seem to hear “wa-wa rain”.
On a related note, I wonder what would happen if the movie “Frozen” was real? Wouldn’t everyone who came close to Elsa end up with strains, sprains, and concussions? Hopefully Kristoff’s sled has four wheel drive.
Not that it would help, which brings us to one of the big dangers: people who put too much faith in all-wheel drive. “Yes, I know it’s snowing, but I have an SUV!” Does the first letter stand for Stupid? It does if you drive 70 in dry weather, and also 70 in wet weather.
Yeah, I see you driving behind me, and you know what? The closer you get to my taillights, the more I’m going to slow down. That’s why I’m going 53 now.
There’s no point in me being the 532nd person this month to point out that four wheel drive does absolutely no good on ice. The people who need to hear it aren’t listening. They’re listening to their car stereo, maybe, or more likely their cell phone. They’re also cussing a lot, because that’s me glued to their front bumper, and I’m now doing 49.
Not only do SUV drivers get up to speed in bad weather (when not behind me), they go out when they don’t have to. What’s the best rule of driving in ice or snow? Don’t. My wife can, and does, make fun of me for being a weather junkie, but I can tell her three days ahead if there might be bad weather. Maybe there won’t be, but if you’re almost out of bread anyway, why not stock up? And get some dog food too, so the mutt won’t be tempted to eat his owners in a worst case scenario. Then, if the bad forecast doesn’t pan out … so what?
But four wheel drivers think, “Let’s go out!” I suppose you people ski and ice fish too. Oh … you do? Never mind.
I’ve seen a lot of bad driving, and I’ve done some of it. In the end, I can only conclude that people who ignore bad weather should be lumped in with those who don’t use seat belts, or have no idea what a turn signal is for. There’s a special place in hell for them, right below women who don’t vote for Hillary. (Hey, I didn’t say it.)
But there is one good thing about dumb drivers. When the road conditions are good for maybe 45 mph, and you get passed by some moron who wants to go 60, there’s no better feeling in the world than going on another two miles … to find him spinning his wheels in a ditch.
March 21, 2016
Phase—What, Eight? —Done
Emily has finished her edits on Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest, Without Moving At All. (Dennis Miller once made a joke about the increasing length of book subtitles. Don’t worry, I won’t try to call it HS:HtWBtWWMAA.)
She left so many notes. So many notes.
But it gets us one step closer to publication. Now I’ll work my way through the notes and make changes, while Emily goes through our photos and designs a cover. We’re far behind where I intended to be at this point, but a May publication date is still doable—in fact, in the near future I’ll put Hoosier Hysterical up for preorders, assuming I can figure out how to do that.
In theory we can set whatever publication date we want, but this is the Indiana Bicentennial year, after all—the whole reason I came up with this book idea to begin with. We also want to be on track to release two books this year, although I haven’t decided on what to put out for the second one, yet.
It’ll be a work of fiction, though—for now I’m done with the heavy research. Maybe I’ll call Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights, Albion and Noble County, and Hoosier Hysterical my history trilogy … it sounds so much fancier, that way.
She left so many notes. So many notes.
But it gets us one step closer to publication. Now I’ll work my way through the notes and make changes, while Emily goes through our photos and designs a cover. We’re far behind where I intended to be at this point, but a May publication date is still doable—in fact, in the near future I’ll put Hoosier Hysterical up for preorders, assuming I can figure out how to do that.
In theory we can set whatever publication date we want, but this is the Indiana Bicentennial year, after all—the whole reason I came up with this book idea to begin with. We also want to be on track to release two books this year, although I haven’t decided on what to put out for the second one, yet.
It’ll be a work of fiction, though—for now I’m done with the heavy research. Maybe I’ll call Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights, Albion and Noble County, and Hoosier Hysterical my history trilogy … it sounds so much fancier, that way.
March 19, 2016
One Author At This State
On April 3rd, I’m scheduled to appear at 50 Authors from 50 States, writing about—wait for it—Indiana! Annette Snyder highlights authors of all genres, all over. See all the states here:
http://annettesnyder.blogspot.com/
http://annettesnyder.blogspot.com/
March 18, 2016
Dog and Spring
Bae doesn't know what to think when he hears the first noises of spring ...
https://youtu.be/Xh8DI6EbklU
https://youtu.be/Xh8DI6EbklU
March 14, 2016
Chaos at the Con
My professional geek friend Tabitha Grace Smith is getting married, and there aren’t a lot of people who deserve a happy life as much as she does. As a gift, I’ve dedicated a story to her. That’s right: I’m so cheap Tabz gets what would probably be called a fanfiction, if not for the fact that the character I’m writing about comes from my own stories. Still, I think anyone who knows her will see how she inspired the tale.
To set it up, the story is about Ian Grant, who’s on his way to Indiana to plan his sister’s wedding … although she doesn’t know that … and doesn’t like him. Ian used to chase trouble; these days it’s his reputation that does the chasing, as shown in this scene from early in The Notorious Ian Grant, when he finally reaches the Hoosier State and runs into Fran, a police detective:
Fran gave Ian an even closer look, if that was possible. “I’ve seen your jail book-in photos.”
“Was I smiling? Could you see my dimples?” Fran … probably had a nice smile. He almost regretted letting his agent talk him out of joining the cast of Lady Cop 3: Hollywood Vice, especially since his agent dumped him weeks later.
“You smiled, but the bloody nose and the missing tooth spoiled the effect.”
“They put the tooth back. See?” Ian gave her his most ingratiating smile, to no effect.
“Very nice. However, around here those trimmed stubbles are not in fashion.”
“I’ve driven for three days—”
“May I ask your reason for being here, Mr. Grant?”
Uh-oh. Official voice. “It’s kind of a long—”
“Make it a short.”
“Okay: redemption.”
Fran stared at him.
“See, I have no redeeming qualities...so I need to develop some.”
After a moment Fran nodded. “Didn’t you once beat up a bouncer in L.A.?”
“It was in Malibu, and I only hit him once.”
So at least Ian recognizes the problem. But before this scene he spends several days driving from his California home—I wrote fanfics in which along the way he met up with the brothers from Supernatural and some characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. To celebrate Tabitha’s impending nuptials, here’s Ian making a stop along the way at a place that would be close to her heart. Happy wedding, Tabz! I wish you many happy returns.
CHAOS AT THE CON
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2016/...
To set it up, the story is about Ian Grant, who’s on his way to Indiana to plan his sister’s wedding … although she doesn’t know that … and doesn’t like him. Ian used to chase trouble; these days it’s his reputation that does the chasing, as shown in this scene from early in The Notorious Ian Grant, when he finally reaches the Hoosier State and runs into Fran, a police detective:
Fran gave Ian an even closer look, if that was possible. “I’ve seen your jail book-in photos.”
“Was I smiling? Could you see my dimples?” Fran … probably had a nice smile. He almost regretted letting his agent talk him out of joining the cast of Lady Cop 3: Hollywood Vice, especially since his agent dumped him weeks later.
“You smiled, but the bloody nose and the missing tooth spoiled the effect.”
“They put the tooth back. See?” Ian gave her his most ingratiating smile, to no effect.
“Very nice. However, around here those trimmed stubbles are not in fashion.”
“I’ve driven for three days—”
“May I ask your reason for being here, Mr. Grant?”
Uh-oh. Official voice. “It’s kind of a long—”
“Make it a short.”
“Okay: redemption.”
Fran stared at him.
“See, I have no redeeming qualities...so I need to develop some.”
After a moment Fran nodded. “Didn’t you once beat up a bouncer in L.A.?”
“It was in Malibu, and I only hit him once.”
So at least Ian recognizes the problem. But before this scene he spends several days driving from his California home—I wrote fanfics in which along the way he met up with the brothers from Supernatural and some characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. To celebrate Tabitha’s impending nuptials, here’s Ian making a stop along the way at a place that would be close to her heart. Happy wedding, Tabz! I wish you many happy returns.
CHAOS AT THE CON
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2016/...
March 12, 2016
Author list for Noble County’s ALL-IN Block Party June 25
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2016/...
Here are the confirmed authors I have right now for the June 25th event on the courthouse square in Albion. If I missed someone—we’ve had another round of family medical drama since I started compiling this, not to mention I’m notoriously disorganized—please let me know. If someone knows of an author who hasn’t responded or might not know about this, please give them a nudge!
Here’s the post that gives some details:
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2016/...
Authors I have listed so far, in addition to the husband and wife writing team of Mark R. and Emily Hunter, include:
Lindsay Bentz
Dawn Crandall
Sheli Emenhiser
Beth Friskney
Rita Robbins
Greg Smith
Susan M. Thuillard
Belinda Wilson
I heard from Amanda Blackman’s husband but haven’t had direct word from her, yet. If I’ve made any mistakes let me know, and tell all your friends!
Also, I’ll need a very, crazy short bio of each author for a press release, and a slightly longer one for posting on social media. Tell all your friends!
Here are the confirmed authors I have right now for the June 25th event on the courthouse square in Albion. If I missed someone—we’ve had another round of family medical drama since I started compiling this, not to mention I’m notoriously disorganized—please let me know. If someone knows of an author who hasn’t responded or might not know about this, please give them a nudge!
Here’s the post that gives some details:
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2016/...
Authors I have listed so far, in addition to the husband and wife writing team of Mark R. and Emily Hunter, include:
Lindsay Bentz
Dawn Crandall
Sheli Emenhiser
Beth Friskney
Rita Robbins
Greg Smith
Susan M. Thuillard
Belinda Wilson
I heard from Amanda Blackman’s husband but haven’t had direct word from her, yet. If I’ve made any mistakes let me know, and tell all your friends!
Also, I’ll need a very, crazy short bio of each author for a press release, and a slightly longer one for posting on social media. Tell all your friends!
March 9, 2016
Stop the Snow
This has been a mild winter for us, and spring seems to have come as an early, unexpected (and probably temporary) surprise. But to remember how it usually is, and will be again, I wrote some new lyrics to the song from Frozen, “Let It Go”.
I know what you’re thinking: “Why, Mark? Why?” Good question—I don’t even find it easy. The original lyrics can be found here:
http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/Let_It_Go
But I present you with: “Stop the Snow”
The snow’s piled high almost to my thigh
It’s so cold I want to scream
No sign of spring salvation
I’m stuck in a snow globe dream
The wind howls through windows, bringing swirling snow inside
Couldn’t keep it out, plastic sheets I tried
Let the dog in, his frozen pee
Is an icicle I never want to see
My hands can’t feel—this weather blows
Thanks to the snow
Stop the snow, stop the snow
Can’t get my car unstuck
If I had enough dough
I’d move away from all this yuck
I know just what the forecasts say
Get your storm rage on
I’m stuck in my drive anyway.
It’s funny how this temperature
makes everything seem blue
And if you don’t see the misery
there’s something wrong with you
It’s time to go and break the ice
To start the car, oh please play nice
No lights, no juice, not to be rude
I’m screwed
Stop the snow, stop the snow
Just one day when it’s warm and dry
Car won’t go in the snow
Ice falls down from tears I cry
Here I push in four foot drifts
Till my hands freeze on …
A patch of ice takes me to the ground
Underneath the snow it’s all cold, dead and brown
And one thought penetrates my frozen brain
Summer’s not so bad—I don’t mind the rain
Stop the snow, stop the snow
My car’s buried in five foot drifts
I can’t feel, my own toes
I’ll never make it to my shift
My hands are blue and my face is white
I could use a lift
But the snow plow buries and passes by.
I know what you’re thinking: “Why, Mark? Why?” Good question—I don’t even find it easy. The original lyrics can be found here:
http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/Let_It_Go
But I present you with: “Stop the Snow”
The snow’s piled high almost to my thigh
It’s so cold I want to scream
No sign of spring salvation
I’m stuck in a snow globe dream
The wind howls through windows, bringing swirling snow inside
Couldn’t keep it out, plastic sheets I tried
Let the dog in, his frozen pee
Is an icicle I never want to see
My hands can’t feel—this weather blows
Thanks to the snow
Stop the snow, stop the snow
Can’t get my car unstuck
If I had enough dough
I’d move away from all this yuck
I know just what the forecasts say
Get your storm rage on
I’m stuck in my drive anyway.
It’s funny how this temperature
makes everything seem blue
And if you don’t see the misery
there’s something wrong with you
It’s time to go and break the ice
To start the car, oh please play nice
No lights, no juice, not to be rude
I’m screwed
Stop the snow, stop the snow
Just one day when it’s warm and dry
Car won’t go in the snow
Ice falls down from tears I cry
Here I push in four foot drifts
Till my hands freeze on …
A patch of ice takes me to the ground
Underneath the snow it’s all cold, dead and brown
And one thought penetrates my frozen brain
Summer’s not so bad—I don’t mind the rain
Stop the snow, stop the snow
My car’s buried in five foot drifts
I can’t feel, my own toes
I’ll never make it to my shift
My hands are blue and my face is white
I could use a lift
But the snow plow buries and passes by.
March 8, 2016
Here Comes the Bride, Next Year
You’ll never guess what my youngest daughter, who’s get married, is getting. That’s right—married! You guessed!
Looks like it’s going to be a little over a year from now, during which time she’ll probably be engaged in engagement things. Congrats, Jill! I’m just as ready for this as I was for my oldest daughter’s wedding, so I’m not.
Looks like it’s going to be a little over a year from now, during which time she’ll probably be engaged in engagement things. Congrats, Jill! I’m just as ready for this as I was for my oldest daughter’s wedding, so I’m not.
March 3, 2016
Promotional Pause Results
During that horrendous month, February, I avoided promoting my books (but it’s March, so buy me!) It was to get some sense of what selling efforts were doing, or not doing, at least in some areas—those areas being direct sales and Amazon.
The results: four confirmed sales in February, which is once a week … about the same amount of times my winter hatred took over and I started to drive south until I hit salt water.
There were no personally sold copies, what with no book signings or other events. Amazon BookScan showed two sales in February: One My Funny Valentine, and two Images of America. These are print book sales, and according to Amazon represent around 75% of a writer’s retail print book sales in the U.S.
The Amazon Author Rank seemed to show one sale of Images of America during February (plus one on January 31st). Sadly, despite my promise to post a cute photo of my dog whenever a copy of Slightly Off the Mark sold, the only other book Amazon counted in February was My Funny Valentine.
Now, that book did great: In fact, it broke the top 100, and stayed above 10,000 for much of the first half of the month … and then dropped through the floor right after Valentine’s Day, which isn’t a huge shock.
But counting My Funny Valentine is a cheat, and not only because it’s a Valentine’s Day themed book selling just before Valentine’s Day. It’s true that I didn’t promote it during February, but it’s an anthology. At least two of the other writers who contributed did promote the work, which explains why it made so many sales. Also, the e-book version is free.
Removing that book, Amazon shows my total February sales as three copies, all Images of America. The previous February, BookScan shows two sales, both My Funny Valentine.
However, in 2013 (when I had far fewer books under my belt) my Amazon ranking peaked at 28,370 in February. In February of 2014, it peaked at 6,093, while in 2015 it never got better than 399,000 during the month. This February my top rank, with no promotion, was just over 155,000, even though others promoted one of the books that counted toward that ranking.
In fact, in 2013 and 2014 my top Amazon ranking for the entire year was in February. My conclusion is that the lousy 2015 ranking was a glitch, and that my lack of promotion did indeed make a difference—at least a modest one.
This is hardly a scientific investigation: Many in the industry question the accuracy of Amazon’s surveys, not to mention that’s far from the only place to buy books. Still, I’m going to go back to doing promotion, and investigate new avenues to push the product.
I love writing … and also creature comforts like electricity, internet, and chocolate. I’ll continue to do my best to bring those two together.
The results: four confirmed sales in February, which is once a week … about the same amount of times my winter hatred took over and I started to drive south until I hit salt water.
There were no personally sold copies, what with no book signings or other events. Amazon BookScan showed two sales in February: One My Funny Valentine, and two Images of America. These are print book sales, and according to Amazon represent around 75% of a writer’s retail print book sales in the U.S.
The Amazon Author Rank seemed to show one sale of Images of America during February (plus one on January 31st). Sadly, despite my promise to post a cute photo of my dog whenever a copy of Slightly Off the Mark sold, the only other book Amazon counted in February was My Funny Valentine.
Now, that book did great: In fact, it broke the top 100, and stayed above 10,000 for much of the first half of the month … and then dropped through the floor right after Valentine’s Day, which isn’t a huge shock.
But counting My Funny Valentine is a cheat, and not only because it’s a Valentine’s Day themed book selling just before Valentine’s Day. It’s true that I didn’t promote it during February, but it’s an anthology. At least two of the other writers who contributed did promote the work, which explains why it made so many sales. Also, the e-book version is free.
Removing that book, Amazon shows my total February sales as three copies, all Images of America. The previous February, BookScan shows two sales, both My Funny Valentine.
However, in 2013 (when I had far fewer books under my belt) my Amazon ranking peaked at 28,370 in February. In February of 2014, it peaked at 6,093, while in 2015 it never got better than 399,000 during the month. This February my top rank, with no promotion, was just over 155,000, even though others promoted one of the books that counted toward that ranking.
In fact, in 2013 and 2014 my top Amazon ranking for the entire year was in February. My conclusion is that the lousy 2015 ranking was a glitch, and that my lack of promotion did indeed make a difference—at least a modest one.
This is hardly a scientific investigation: Many in the industry question the accuracy of Amazon’s surveys, not to mention that’s far from the only place to buy books. Still, I’m going to go back to doing promotion, and investigate new avenues to push the product.
I love writing … and also creature comforts like electricity, internet, and chocolate. I’ll continue to do my best to bring those two together.
