David M. Brown's Blog, page 114

Game Review #29: Final Fantasy IX

In 2009 I began working with Mrs B on her website www.femalegamers.co.uk reviewing the latest console games. Sadly, our other commitments meant the website couldn't continue and we brought it to an end early in 2010. I'll be using this blog to review all the games, recent and not so recent, that I encounter. With Mrs B's kind permission, I'll also be posting some of the reviews I previously worked on, so don't panic if they refer to previous years and months.

Final Fantasy IX (2000)

Square Enix excelled themselves with Final Fantasy VII (1997) and amazingly got even better with Final Fantasy VIII (1999), even though that entry divided some fans with the series taking on a more realistic look. Final Fantasy IX returned to the more anime style elements of Final Fantasy VII and promised a very different gaming experience but is it the best the series has to offer?

A busy plot begins with Queen Brahne of Alexandria enjoying a theatre production hosted by a group of undercover bandits known as Tantalus. Amongst their numbers is the game's hero Zidane, who is almost human save for having what looks like a monkey tail, something no one else in the world of Gaia seems to possess! Tantalus are on a mission to kidnap the beautiful princess Garnet but are stunned to find their efforts coinciding with her wanting to run away from home. Zidane and Garnet join forces along with the princess' bodyguard Captain Steiner, fond of verbal complaints and neglecting of his rusty armour. They are also joined by a young mage called Vivi who becomes a central part of the storyline as do a large group of black mages that are being produced to promote Brahne's ambitions of global conquest against kingdoms such as Burmecia, Cleyra and Lindblum. Zidane and Garnet set about trying to stop the queen but their adventures take them far across the sea to distant lands and even to another world.

Final Fantasy IX still looks stunning especially those delightfully beautiful cut scenes, and credit to Square Enix for doing something different with the game play. This one is a lot simpler to get to grips with than the previous two instalments. As you control Zidane a little "!" or "?" will appear above his head to denote something of interest so it's worth exploring in detail as not all treasure is hidden away in chests in this game. Your characters' weapons and armour each have a handful of abilities you can learn but they have to remain equipped until you have gained enough experience. Once learned, weapons and armour can be changed to access more abilities and there are many useful ones such as immunity to status ailments such as poison, confuse, sleep and silence. As you gain more abilities you have to prioritise which are most important. Each ability is worth a set number of points and to equip one you have to make a sacrifice of your overall total. You'll never have enough points to equip all the abilities so you're going to have to be selective and given that your enemies have different attacking patterns you'll be making all kinds of changes. Weapons and armour are also blessed with elemental attack and defence so again you'll be swapping armour round as you take on different bosses.

Battles are fought with four of your characters as participants, which proves to be a lot better than previous instalments. The characters are very different in their capabilities as well and you'll have a maximum of eight to choose from in the end. Garnet and Eiko are summoners and more adept at healing their allies than being deadly attackers. Steiner, Zidane and Amarant are suited to physical attacks with Zidane also good at pilfering items. Freya and Quina are also good at physical attacks but I tended to use them less than the others. Vivi is a black mage and a master at attacking magic but physical attacks are not his specialty. You'll have to use all the characters as the storyline often sees the group split up to tackle different challenges so building up everyone's experience is essential. My dream team in the end was Zidane, Garnet, Steiner and Amarant but that's just my style when playing Final Fantasy, always preferring physical attacks over magic.

Gaia is a rich and varied world where humans and anthropomorphic animals are mixed together. Alexandria and Lindblum are glorious kingdoms, while Burmecia is more modest and sits under eternal rainfall while Cleyra is a realm housed in the heights of a great tree. As your characters head overseas they tackle an ancient castle, a black mage village and the ruins of a summoner settlement. Like Final Fantasy VIII our main villain, Brahne, turns out to be a facade for the real evil genius behind the scenes – Kuja. Up there with Sephiroth, Kuja rides on a dragon, is extremely powerful, enjoys some great dialogue, though he has secrets and a connection to Zidane that you'll have to wait a long time for the revelations. The music in the game is wonderful and two of my favourite pieces in any Final Fantasy game can be found when the group first arrive in Terra and when Zidane learns the truth of his origins and proceeds to turn his back on all his friends. As good as the graphics are I do prefer the more realistic look that Final Fantasy VIII had and despite many fans criticising that instalment it's interesting that Final Fantasy X went back to this approach and subsequent entries in the series have all done the same. Final Fantasy IX falls a little shy of VII, VIII and X but if you've never had the pleasure of playing it then now is a good time before the PS1 and PS2 become obsolete.

Final Fantasy IX is another superb RPG from Square Enix and maintained the high standard they had set with the previous two instalments and that quality trend would continue with Final Fantasy X. The graphics, cut scenes, characters, music, settings and battle system are all fantastic and though a little easier to get into than VII and VIII there are still plenty of challenges on the way, especially that final boss.

Verdict: 94%

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Film Review #79: The Damned United

With prices for cinema tickets now reaching ridiculous heights it's not often I will treat myself to a new release unless it's something I simply cannot wait for. Instead, I'm happy to content myself with a cheap DVD or a film on TV which may have slipped through my critical net and, believe me, there have been far too many. Whether the films featured here are recent or old I'll still be providing my honest opinion on them and, with the benefit of hindsight in many cases, may offer a slightly different take to contemporary reviewers.

 

The Damned United (2009)

I didn't become an avid fan of football until the mid-nineties, caught up in the euphoria of Barnsley's promotion to the Premiership in 1997, a glory chaser I became but have remained loyal to my home town and given the many seasons of pain and despair I feel I have redeemed myself. Being a fan of football I had heard of the legendary manager Brian Clough but he had achieved his greatest feats before I was born so the opportunity to learn more about him was one I didn't want to miss when I approached The Damned United.

The film was advertised as being about Brian Clough's (Michael Sheen) 44-day management of Leeds United in 1974 but it is divided between that turbulent tenure and the early days of Clough's managerial career when he turned lowly Derby into the champions of England. Clough's time with Derby is initially one of admiration for Leeds United, the best team in the country, and their successful manager Don Revie (Colm Meaney). When Derby have a cup game against Leeds when they're a lowly division two team, Clough is excited at the prospect of footballing greats coming to Derby. However, the meeting does not end well with Revie ignoring Clough and his team winning 2-0, courtesy of their trademark nasty tackles and cheating tactics which infuriate Clough and convince him and assistant manager Peter Taylor (Timothy Spall) to turn Derby into a success story and defeat Leeds and Don Revie. Given the vicious rivalry it is something of a surprise in 1974 when Clough takes the manager's job at Leeds following Revie's departure to become England manager but why and how does it all go wrong for Clough?

The Damned United is based on the book of the same name which is said to be largely fictional in tying together the key events of Clough's time as Leeds manager. Further reading has confirmed many of the dates and events are not accurate but the film still offers a very good outline of Clough. It veers between the 44-day tenure at Leeds and Clough's days at Derby. The meeting with Leeds in the FA Cup is a dream come true for the ambitious manager who believes Don Revie will be a gentleman when he arrives at Derby with him and Clough having grown up in similar streets and played for the same clubs. Instead, the Leeds team enter Derby's ground like gods and Revie doesn't even look at Clough, who has overseen an intense makeover for the ground personally taking on some of the cleaning duties himself. This snub from Revie clearly affects Clough who watches the game quietly only to become animated at the antics of the Leeds players. After the Leeds win, Revie shakes hands with Peter Taylor and Derby's coaching staff but once again ignores Clough! It's in this moment that Clough and his Chairman Sam Longson (Jim Broadbent) first come to blows as the vengeful manager buys new players including Dave McKay (Brian McCardie) without consulting Longson. The result is an unbeaten run that propels Derby from the lower rungs of division two's ladder to the very top. The following season they rub shoulders with Leeds once more but suffer a 5-0 defeat. Undeterred, Clough signs more players and when the two teams next meet Derby win 2-1 while Clough waits in the dressing room, unable to watch the game himself. Clough and Taylor lead Derby to the top of division one and the following season to the semi-finals of the European Cup. Prior to this mid-week game Clough gambles on playing his best team against Leeds just for the pride of beating them and Revie but Leeds' players go to work on Derby's team leaving them with injuries and a depleted squad for the European game against Juventus which Derby lose. It's the beginning of the end for Clough.

Clough's days at Derby end with Peter Taylor having a heart attack, Clough criticising his chairman publicly and then issuing resignation letters for both him and Taylor to strengthen their positions only for the letters to be accepted! Clough and Taylor have an acrimonious fall out and go their separate ways when Clough agrees to join Taylor at Brighton only to spurn them in favour of Leeds. The 44 days at Leeds couldn't be worse. Prior to a press conference at the club Clough goes on Yorkshire Television and criticises Don Revie and Leeds as a bunch of violent cheats that have won nothing fairly and under him that will change. It doesn't! Clough faces a rebellion from the players, led by Billy Bremner (Stephen Graham), who criticise his every word and still long for the days of Don Revie. Revie's presence at Leeds matches does not help Clough but equally his public criticism of Leeds and their players leads him down a path of no return. Outspoken and egotistical as Clough is, you have to have some sympathy for him as Leeds manager with the suspicion that the players are deliberately not trying. When Clough's brief reign ends he wants revenge in the form of another interview with Yorkshire Television but finds three seats waiting in the studio, one for him, one for the host and horrifyingly one for Don Revie!

The Damned United may embellish some of the facts and indeed some of the dates of events while Clough was at Derby but it is never a dull experience. Sheen is excellent as Clough, a naturally gifted manager but one with a big mouth that led him into many controversies. The rivalry with Revie is fierce and much of the blame seems to be with Revie, especially when he denies ignoring Clough or not shaking hands with him when they first met. The film's highlight is Clough's friendship with Peter Taylor who he dismisses as nothing when he goes to manage Leeds but in the end it is Taylor that has Clough on his knees begging for forgiveness at the film's end. Wisely Clough acknowledges that all his success is Taylor's as well and this proves to be the case in the aftermath when we learn both men reunited to manage Nottingham Forest and together took the lowly team to the top and won two European Cups in a row, a feat yet to be equalled by another English manager. It's somewhat fitting that Clough emerged from the hellish 44 days at Leeds to build himself back up, while Revie failed as England manager and ended his football days in obscurity overseas. Beneath all the controversies Clough was a great manager and is aptly regarded as the greatest never to have managed the England team.

The Damned United isn't completely accurate to the true events but it gives a fascinating outline to the darkest days of the managerial career of Brian Clough. Boasting some good performances and as much action off the pitch as there is on it, this should appeal to many football fans but also those who want to know more about the man who once said " I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one."

Verdict: 8/10

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Guest Post from Elaine Raco Chase

Today's guest post comes from Elaine Raco Chase, author of eighteen novels including the #1 bestseller DESIGNING WOMAN, which you can find on Amazon at http://amzn.com/B004X6MWOY Elaine has a wealth of experience and has very kindly offered to share a few very useful tips. Many thanks for guesting today, Elaine, and thank you for a great article.

 

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WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW

That's always the first thing a writer is told to do.  I've been a creative writing teacher for over 20 years (with over 25 students who've published)  and I always tell my students:  WRITE WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW…then learn it.

I've eighteen books published – a dozen category contemporary romances, a mystery series, edited a book of mystery short stories and a non-fiction book – How to Write The Amateur Detective Novel – which was nominated for the Agatha Christie Award. 

When I sit down to write, I have a vague – What If?  Idea in my brain.  And that launches me into the wonderful world of research.

1.  Who – are the character's that would fit this idea

2.  Where – is the best place to set this idea

3.  When – time of year that would best highlight this idea/characters

4.  What – is the idea and what info do I need to make this idea work

5.  Why – ahhh the key…why is all this happening to these people

6.  How – how will I make this story happen

There is a formula for every book and it's a simple one:  Character(s) + problem (s) = story

without fabulous, real characters that people believe in and compelling problems, you have no story.

Let me show you how I did it in DESIGNING WOMAN

Main female character:  Brandy Jerome Abbott – a brain…with dyslexia…who worked hard for 3 degrees in college at the same time and her big finish is getting her architect's license.  She's a tough Scorpio whose father is chief of police in Palm Beach…so she's relocated to Tampa where her step-brother/wife live.

Her problem:  she's interning with a local firm which is needed to get her license but they've been working her 100 hours a week/not paying/and now they want her to do even more.  She snaps and quits….her quitting conversation is overheard by Griffen St. Clair who thinks she's ending an affair with her boss – not her job.

Sure it's the classic 'overheard/misunderstood' problem with quite a few twists – but that's another blog. 

This one is about me, the author, becoming:  an interior designer and an architect…that's just for Brandy's character.  And while my own prowess as an interior designer wasn't too bad, what did I know about architecture and design…absolutely nothing.  

So – off I went to architect and design school  – well not actually…it's amazing what you can find in the library and online.  I studied/studied – read magazines, hunted for interviews, everything.   By the time I finished I could have passed the exam.

Next step – making it interesting for the reader.  I come from a background of writing for radio and TV so my books are 90% dialogue.  And that's exactly how I interacted with the reader…Brandy, being a dyslexic, had to talk alot as her writing was often backwards – many dyslexic's do go into architecture/math/numbers as that is the least problematic for their brains. 

Worked perfectly to get the character/reader connection even stronger and many readers sent fan mail.  My surprise was a letter from the General in charge of the Army Corps of Engineers.  Who wrote that his wife was reading Designing Woman and actually fell out of bed laughing.  He took the book away from her and reluctantly started reading it himself.  It was his first romance…"not bad"  and then he hit me with:  "I'm sure your husband wrote all the engineering/architecture information as NO WOMAN could ever know that much and be so correct."

Hmmmm….loved that one!  I politely wrote back, that my husband had never read any of my books let alone helped me write them.  And any woman could be anything – even an architect, with the proper research."  I also thanked him for writing…a rarity from men in regard to a romance novel.

He did write back…with an apology and a request for an autographed copy to keep with his text books! 

So – please don't write what you know.  Enjoy the fun/excitement/and brain building of learning something new and then turning it into a #1 bestseller – that's what DESIGNING WOMAN was when it first came out…and top seller for the year for Dell Publishing.

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Book Review #13: The People of the Mist

As an aspiring author I try to write as often as possible but always remember to have a book on the bedside table. I read for many reasons, mostly the sheer joy of the pastime, but I am constantly trying to improve myself as a writer, finding worthwhile lessons in my successful peers, whether they're currently enjoying life in the bestsellers list or they have long since written their final words. As I continue my own writing journey (hopefully towards publication!) I'll be sharing my thoughts on all my latest reads and maybe reveal who I find the most inspiring along the way.

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Henry Rider Haggard – The People of the Mist (1894)

Of H. Rider Haggard's novels I had only previously read King Solomon's Mines (1885) so was happy to try another of his works. I was most intrigued by The People of the Mist, which promised another of Haggard's African adventures but would it be as memorable as King Solomon's Mines?

The novel begins with brothers Leonard and Thomas Outram who lose their home and money, and for poor Leonard the prospect of marrying his beloved Jane Beach. The brothers head for Africa to seek their fortune and buy back their estate. When we pick up their progress years later Thomas is on the brink of death and leaves Leonard to continue their quest alone. Leonard is joined by the loyal Zulu, Otter, who refers to Leonard as Baas and is motivated by nothing more than helping his master's plans come to success. When Leonard and Otter meet the mysterious Soa, she gives Leonard a ruby jewel and promises she'll lead him to more if he'll help rescue a Portuguese girl, Juanna Rodd, from slavery. Soa claims to know the whereabouts of the People of the Mist and assures Leonard that they have enough rubies to restore him to a position of great wealth. Leonard is motivated purely by money to begin with but when he meets Juanna everything changes.

Haggard's adventure gets going pretty quickly once Leonard has left Jane Beach behind. Both are heartbroken at the separation but with Leonard penniless Jane's father won't allow any kind of union. Leonard's hopes are of riches and fame in Africa but it doesn't quite work out that way. When we join Leonard and his brother Thomas in Africa around seven years have passed and the brothers are no closer to success than when they first arrived. Leonard has to watch his brother die before resuming his journey with the loyal Otter by his side. Otter is gifted with amazing strength but at times he appears to be a kind and gentle man, his primary focus being Leonard's welfare and having no real desires or ambitions of his own. The meeting with Soa promises an upturn in fortune for Leonard and Otter but rescuing Juanna from slave owners is a high price for the promise of treasure from a stranger.

Leonard's liberation of Juanna costs money and as part of the deal the slave owner is adamant that his prize must be married before he'll release her. Leonard reluctantly steps forward to partake of the union and this begins the problem for our young couple. Although they have mutual affection for each other from the start, Juanna's knowledge of why Leonard has released her changes her opinion of him dramatically. To her, Leonard is motivated only by riches, which is initially true but once he meets Juanna, Leonard finds himself attracted to her even at the unthinkable forsaking of Jane Beach back in England. After escaping from the slave owner, Leonard has a large party join him on the journey into the heart of Africa to seek out the People of the Mist. A priest, Francisco, joins the group and is poignantly drawn to Juanna though his feelings are buried for the sake of devotion to his faith. After an exciting gathering of companions for Leonard, Haggard takes us to the highlight of the book, which is the discovery of the People of the Mist.

Soa knows that the group may not survive for more than a few seconds on reaching the People of the Mist so formulates a deceptive but cunning plan to have Juanna and Otter pose as two of the gods that the people worship. Soa's knowledge of their religion allows Juanna and Otter to pass some tests and they are soon accepted at the behest of the ruthless Nam who oversees the religious devotion which involves human sacrifice in the mountains to a giant crocodile that the People of the Mist worship. Things become even more complicated when the elevation of Juanna and Otter as gods sees King Olfan removed from power though his disappointment is alleviated somewhat by his love for Juanna. Suddenly the group have to continue their deception under intense pressure and growing suspicion from the People of the Mist. Nam and Soa are not what they seem and Leonard's hopes of acquiring a treasure trove of rubies becomes ever more uncertain.

Haggard's novel builds up to a great climax as Leonard and the surviving members of his group look to escape from the People of the Mist. One of the highlights is surely the amazing Otter's underwater battle with a giant crocodile while the flight across a steep glacier is just as exciting. The book probably suffers most at the very end when we have to have a resolution of sorts for Leonard. Whether things work out well for him and Juanna I won't say but his primary concern of reclaiming his home does have an outcome but it all seems a tad too easy and convenient in the end. All the potential problems Leonard was set to bring back to England are washed away in a few pages, which is a shame considering the death-defying moments that have come before. I supposed Haggard was maybe thinking his characters had been through enough and deserved some luck for a change.

The People of the Mist is a great read, an exciting adventure in the heart of Africa which may seem a tried and tested formula by today's standards but back when Haggard was writing it would have been something very fresh and new indeed. With two Haggard books now read I'm looking forward to delving even further into his collection.

Verdict: 8½/10

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Film Review #78: National Treasure: Book of Secrets

With prices for cinema tickets now reaching ridiculous heights it's not often I will treat myself to a new release unless it's something I simply cannot wait for. Instead, I'm happy to content myself with a cheap DVD or a film on TV which may have slipped through my critical net and, believe me, there have been far too many. Whether the films featured here are recent or old I'll still be providing my honest opinion on them and, with the benefit of hindsight in many cases, may offer a slightly different take to contemporary reviewers.

 

National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007)

The first National Treasure (2004) was a surprising box office smash and saw Nicholas Cage take on the role of Ben Gates, an adventurer in a similar vein to Indiana Jones but minus the hat and the fear of snakes. Given the first film's success it was inevitable a sequel would be made and I understand a third instalment is due very soon as well, but how does this one fare?

The film opens in 1865 where Ben's great-great-grandfather Thomas Gates (Joel Gretsch) is approached in a tavern by John Booth (Christian Camargo) and Michael O'Laughlen (Brent Briscoe). Booth has a message in his diary that he requests Gates decode for him. Both Booth and O'Laughlen are members of the KGC, a faction loyal to the defeated southern states of America that have lost out to the north, spearheaded by President Abraham Lincoln (Glenn Beck). While Gates decodes the message, Booth heads to the Fords Theatre and assassinates President Lincoln. Gates deciphers the message and finds it points to one of the cities of gold but he is killed in a skirmish after realising Booth and O'Laughlen are enemies of the victorious north, but not before tearing pages from the diary and destroying them in a fire. The film moves on 140 years where Ben Gates is speaking with high regards about his late relative but the Gates family name is tarnished by Mitch Wilkinson (Ed Harris) who reveals fragments of a missing page from John Booth's diary with Thomas Gates' name on it, seemingly implicating him in the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. Ben refuses to accept the claims and sets out to prove the innocence of Thomas Gates. After uncovering a hidden cipher on a page in the diary Ben begins an adventure that will see him travel throughout the world to achieve his aim but he is pursued by Wilkinson who has plans of his own.

After an intriguing opening the film soon settles into a standard adventure affair though some of the clues that Ben has to follow are memorable if a little incredulous. Everything from the Statue of Liberty (in France) to the two Resolute Desks (one in Buckingham Palace and one in the White House) all contain clues that Ben manages to obtain despite the tight security he must face. The film's title refers to a book said to be handed down the long line of American Presidents and said to house secrets as elusive as Area 51 but only the current president knows where the book is. Of course, Ben needs access to the book and has to go through the president to get it. Considering how secretive the book is, the President (Bruce Greenwood) is surprisingly co-operative with Ben and even asks him to glance at a certain page in the book while he searches for the next clue on his adventure. In order to get so close to the president, Ben has to separate him from his bodyguards, effectively kidnapping him and facing a severe punishment if he is caught. These things always sort themselves out though and the same is true here.

As well as having to contend with a new enemy in Mitch Wilkinson, National Treasure: Book of Secrets is also something of a family affair. Ben's father Patrick (Jon Voight) returns and at one stage father and son have to pay a visit to Patrick's ex-wife and Ben's mother Emily Appleton (Helen Mirren) who is conveniently the only person they can turn to and help translate some symbols pointing to one of the cities of gold. While Emily's relationship with Ben is fine she has nothing but discontent for Patrick but adventuring together manages to ease the hatred and is predictably replaced by mutual affection. A similar scenario plays out for Ben whose love interest from the first film Abigail Chase (Diane Kruger) has left him but she joins the adventure too and despite her reservations about Ben's character previously, all is forgotten by the time the gang locate one of the elusive cities of gold. I wonder if marriage guidance counsellors will suggest the same tactic to save couples from divorce!

Although National Treasure: Book of Secrets is a fun adventure in places it's never spectacular or particularly exciting. The cast are okay without having to shine too brightly and given such an assortment of proven acting talent it's a pity they're all wasted on this film. Ed Harris is the highlight of the film but despite being a tough and evil villain even he resorts to melodrama and a heavy dose of the sentimental in the film's very corny conclusion. Those who enjoyed the first film will not want to miss this but even they won't find it as good as the original. The rest of us will take it or leave it.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets is an average adventure with some fun moments but as a whole it doesn't offer anything especially thrilling. A great cast are lost somewhere on this adventure and it's a shame because the likes of Cage, Voight, Mirren and Harris are proven talent that deserve better projects than this one.

Verdict: 5/10

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36 Lives #9

Long ago, in a Yorkshire town far, far away…

Four cats all living in the same house await the moment their two owners (who have their uses from time to time) leave for work so they can gather round and discuss current affairs. Everything from the Reformation to the irony of Cheryl Cole's "limp, lifeless" hair product adverts is covered once a month by the feline quartet. Your dramatis personae are:-

 

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Kain – Chair of the meetings, self-proclaimed leader and feline equivalent of Winston Churchill

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Razz – Perennially sour-faced but lovable rogue with a tendency to pick one too many fights

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Buggles – One-eyed charmer, the fastest eater in West Yorkshire, excited by life's trivial things

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Charlie – A born revolutionary, fiercely abhorrent to authority but always cute in his devastation

 

This month's topic is…

David Beckham

Kain: Good day fellow felines. Thank you for attending the meeting. You're only half an hour late. I had listed you all as apologies on the minutes.

Buggles: But I haven't apologised for being late yet, Kain.

Razz: No, what he means Buggles is that when you don't attend a meeting you're listed under the apologies.

Buggles: Even if I haven't said sorry?

Razz: Yes, even in such extreme circumstances as that.

Charlie: Everything about war is "extreme circumstances." You can't expect me to arrive on time for these meetings when I have vast legions to command in battle.

Kain: Charlie, you've just spent the last half hour in the litter tray.

Charlie: Of course I have, you foolish cat! I joined the highly trained bomb experts in searching the litter for mines and other explosives. If my enemies are going to assassinate me then they're bound to do it while I'm using a litter tray.

Buggles: I do love the litter trays. I always think I'm going to find buried treasure when I dig through the litter. I always find something, it's just never treasure.

Kain: I'm referring us back to the agenda now before we drift off into more anecdotes of war and King Solomon's Mines in the heart of litter trays. The meeting today is about a man who is a national treasure in the UK though I'm struggling to understand why. There has been something of a media circus surrounding him and his family for years and although it's quietened down of late I'm still afraid the tabloids will find more stories to make us suffer with.

Buggles: I hope you're not talking about the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. I loved their wedding. It was one of the most romantic things I've ever seen and I've watched Emmerdale.

Razz: Enough about that Royal Wedding, Buggles. There are still a hundred flags upstairs that you insisted on buying on the off chance the newlyweds drove by our house. That's the last time I send you to do the shopping.

Charlie: I was intrigued by the Royal Wedding. When I heard Prince William was marrying someone with the surname "Middleton" I had visions of a bodybuilder or weight lifter but instead it was just a lady with a pretty smile who looked great alongside Will.

Razz: Softening in your old age, Charlie?

Charlie: Certainly not. I just want to stay on the good side of the Royals. I'd like a knighthood before I take over this country as absolute ruler.

Kain: Every meeting we have these digressions. I am not speaking of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The meeting today is about David Beckham.

Razz: That name sounds familiar.

Buggles: Isn't that where Del Boy and Rodney live?

Charlie: No, that's Peckham, Buggles. I know that because my forces have already conquered Peckham and renamed it Charlestown. Seemed a fitting title.

Razz: So tell us about this Beckham thing, what's the problem?

Kain: David Beckham is a footballer that played for Manchester United and was lauded as a great player but the media really went nuts over him when he married Victoria or Posh Spice as she was known from the Spice Girls. The Spice Girls it seems were a pop group though I'm not sure what any of them sang.

Buggles: I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. So tell me what you want, what you really, really want. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, what a really, really want is a ziggy zig ah!

Charlie: Is that your proposed battle cry for our next campaign Buggles? If yes, let's have a rethink, it won't intimidate anyone. They'll still piss their pants but not for the reason I want them to.

Razz: Was that a rendition of a Spice Girls song, young Buggles?

Buggles: Of course not, I just fancied a sing. They're my words.

Kain: We'll try this another way, Buggles. Those are lines from a Spice Girls song aren't they?

Buggles: Yes.

Kain: You have a secret record collection of Spice Girls songs don't you?

Buggles: Yes.

Kain: And after this meeting you're going to hand over those records so that we may burn them in the name of our Lords Felix, Garfield, Henry's Cat and Whiskas aren't you?

Buggles: Yes.

Charlie: Now that's settled, what's the problem with David Beckham being a footballer and marrying some broad from the Spice Girls?

Kain: The Beckhams have a fondness for the media and love being in the limelight. Their wedding looked as lavish as the Royal Wedding and even after Victoria's music career ended she's still in the headlines, mostly down to the exciting adventures of her husband.

Razz: Treks into the Amazon jungle, walking to the South Pole, mountain climbing, those sort of things do you mean?

Kain: Not quite. You see at Manchester Utd David Beckham's position as a media darling didn't suit the manager Alex Ferguson and there was an incident during a half-time team talk when Fergie was handing out one of his trademark hairdryer treatments.

Buggles: Alex Ferguson sounds lovely. Not only does he manage a football team but he personally perms the hair of all his players. That's wonderful.

Kain: The hairdryer treatment involves him shouting at people a lot, Buggles.

Charlie: Here here! It's the only way to quell any thoughts of insurgence. Once one soldier speaks up they're all at it. You have to be firm in these situations and a whip in your hand while you lay down the law is effective, but doesn't impact as much as a machine gun.

Razz: So what happened in that dressing room?

Kain: Alex Ferguson kicked a boot and it hit David Beckham in the head leaving him needing stitches.

Charlie: Stitches for a little cut to his head. What's next wrapping him in cotton wool?

Kain: David Beckham left Manchester Utd and joined Real Madrid, a legendary team that tends to attract big stars, as do their rivals Barcelona.

Buggles: Real Madrid you say? Is there a fake Madrid as well?

Razz: Be quiet Buggles!

Kain: During his Manchester Utd and Real Madrid careers, David Beckham also played for the English national team, becoming reviled in 1998 for getting sent-off which was cited as the reason England went out of the World Cup, not the fact that they can't take penalties!

Charlie: I can tell you a thing or two about penalties in the army…

Kain: …the public forgave Beckham two years later when he scored a sensational free-kick against Greece to rescue England from defeat and take them to the European Championships in 2000, which they incidentally messed up in rather badly!

Razz: He has been involved in a lot hasn't he?

Kain: I'm not finished. The 2002 World Cup was the chance for Beckham to redeem himself but approaching the tournament he broke his metatarsal.

Buggles: That sounds nasty! Can he see okay now?

Kain: The metatarsal is in his foot, Buggles, something the media were only too happy to show what with fancy diagrams adorning their sports pages. It became the latest chapter in the Beckham frenzy, a Hollywood style would he or wouldn't he make it. Well, he made it but England still messed up in the World Cup.

Charlie: Shameful. I've seen my soldiers going into battle minus a limb or two. I'd say minus brains as well but many of them didn't have any to begin with.

Kain: At present David Beckham plays for LA Galaxy but does go on loan to the likes of AC Milan and trains with other teams. The media speculation now is how many more caps he can get for England. I wanted to tell you of this man because once he retires I'm fearing a stab at an acting career in Hollywood or entering the world of management or even a place on the Match of the Day sofa with Gary Lineker.

Charlie: You want my legions to have him watched?

Kain: Would you mind?

Charlie: I can spare a few cats, I'm sure. We took Carlisle faster than I expected so I have some to spare.

Razz: No killing or kidnapping, Charlie, you're just watching him.

Charlie: On the contrary Razz, I am assessing this Beckham fellow and seeing if he's fit for our army. He has many good credentials.

Kain: Such as?

Charlie: He survived a boot to the head so being shot would be no impediment, you say he takes exquisite free-kicks well I'm sure he can use that skill to kick bombs and grenades into enemy territory and as for his unique ability to be in the UK, Italy, Spain and America in the blink of an eye, well, I could use someone like that.

Razz: Charlie, he just flies to those places on a plane.

Charlie: Razz please! I have made up my mind. David Beckham is a primary target for recruitment. He fits my profile of a battle-hardened soldier perfectly. I bet he has a deep and powerful voice too.

Kain: Well…

Charlie: Your hesitation says all I need to know. Let Operation Beckham begin.

Buggles: Can I have his autograph?

Charlie: Only when he's helped me capture Birmingham? Come on Buggles we'll go make plans.

Razz: That's that then.

Kain: I guess so. Until next month then. Meeting adjourned.

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Guest Post: All we are saying – is give indies a chance by D Kai Wilson-Viola

I know, I just wrecked a song title.  But the point remains the same.

Hi there.  My name is Kai.  I'm 32, and I've been writing since I was 4.  I've been published all over the place, but in my latest iteration, I'm an indie author.  There are several reasons for this – but the biggest one is right now, the publishing community is in flux.  And for you, gentle reader, this is great news.  Imagine being able to hop online and think 'I feel like a thriller today' and before the feeling even wears off or you change your mind, poof, it's on your reader.  Imagine looking at genres as not a guideline, but as a menu.  How cool is that?

Indie writers are the new wave – but you're wading a bit

One of the major problems with the indie community is the readers even know there is a 'low barrier of entry'.   So for every gem out there, it's true, you're going to end up with a few horrible books.  But there are several reasons to keep trying – and some tips to ensure that you can find the best books out there.

Believing reviews – one of the biggest comments I get from readers, whether they are writers or not is whether they should believe reviews.  I guess the answer to that is 'research'.  If you're seeing a review that happened within a day of buying a book, chances are they haven't read the whole book.  Another way to handle it is to click through and look at the reviews this person is giving on a regular basis.  Not that you can't trust a reviewer that gives all fives, but you should at least consider removing them if you suspect they are 'puff reviews'.  A puff review basically says 'excellent' and little else…..
Poor editing? – Most readers won't notice poorly edited pieces – not the same way that writers will.  But you will realise that there's something wrong.  If it really bothers you, it might be a good idea to Google it.
Leave your own opinions – the best way to clean up the indie community and know who to take that chance on again and again is by ensuring that as soon as you've read a book, that you leave a review.  Make a point of investing in the community, and the writers will thank you for it.

 

Taking a chance on Indies

Ultimately, the biggest problem with the Indie community is we're featured on all of these big sites but we're all basically feeling our way in the dark.  It's difficult to find the books that haven't been edited to the level that professional publishing expects, but at the same time, if you're not able to take a chance on new writers, then you may never find the good stuff.  Which is where samples come in.  Don't be afraid to download and experience authors through their sample chapters and free stories – you might just find your next favourite author.

Author bio

D Kai Wilson-Viola is one of the beautiful minds behind the Indie Author Community (http://indieauthorcommunity.com) , a huge site designed to help authors find information about the things they really need to know.  When she's not moderating and supporting other indie authors, she can usually be found blogging at http://Kaiberie.com  or at http://darknesspd.com – Her next nonfiction book is due out in July, and her first novel, in August.

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Film Review #77: Infestation

With prices for cinema tickets now reaching ridiculous heights it's not often I will treat myself to a new release unless it's something I simply cannot wait for. Instead, I'm happy to content myself with a cheap DVD or a film on TV which may have slipped through my critical net and, believe me, there have been far too many. Whether the films featured here are recent or old I'll still be providing my honest opinion on them and, with the benefit of hindsight in many cases, may offer a slightly different take to contemporary reviewers.

 

Infestation (2009)

Mrs B keeps throwing weird, wonderful and downright atrocious horror films at me and the latest in the collection is Infestation. More a horror/black comedy, Infestation takes a group of ordinary people and pitches them against a swarm of giant bugs that work their way through a town effortlessly. It sounds silly and awful but my reservations aside is it any good?

The film opens quickly with lazy office worker Cooper (Chris Marquette) having a meeting with his manager Maureen (Deborah Geffner) and being told he is fired for his poor conduct and lack of work. No sooner has Cooper received the news than a strange noise sounds throughout the office, causing everyone to cover their ears. Cooper wakes to find everyone in the office has been cocooned and giant bugs have taken over the town imprisoning everyone they catch in the same manner. Cooper releases his colleagues and joins with a small group to engage in a slice of survival horror.

It's clear early on that Infestation is not a film to take seriously. Cooper is rather amusing, laidback and maladjusted in the office environment as well as being hopeless at romance. Cooper is joined by his manager's daughter, Sara (Brooke Nevin), and an inevitable romance develops beginning with the traditional arguments before mutual affection takes over. Cooper and Sara are joined by Albert (Wesley Thompson), Hugo (E. Quincy Sloan) and Cindy (Kinsey Packard) as they leave the office and make their way through town, fighting off any bugs that attack them.

Not only do these bugs cocoon their victims they also sting them as well causing a transformation into half people half insect combinations. Watching Infestation it felt a bit like Shaun of the Dead but with insects but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, right? The film gets a lot more amusing when Sara is abducted by the insects and taken to a giant nest, leaving Cooper to lead the rest of the group to his father's house. Ethan (Ray Wise) is better equipped for the insect threat than most people in the town, donning military gear and being hell-bent on neutralising the threat, though when we first meet him he's more concerned about finding the family dog! Eventually we're led to a final showdown in the insects' nest and of course there is a giant queen laying all the eggs though we don't get any explanation as to how this nest started and where these giant insects have come from. It's one of those films where you just have to go along with it and ask few questions.

Infestation is a very silly film and the effects are not the best you'll ever see. In the early stages I didn't think I was going to enjoy it but as it progressed it became more entertaining in its absurdity. As long as you're not expecting a masterpiece and don't want your brain working hard then this is worth considering for a laugh and it boasts an intriguing ending which leaves the story unresolved and surely open to a sequel.

Infestation is a ludicrous but amusing film full of giant bugs and desperate locals who prove very resourceful when faced with threats that can't be dealt with by a can of bug spray. The film's tagline "Global Swarming!" left me rolling my eyes but by the end I felt although Infestation wasn't a classic it also wasn't a bad film and if you want a couple of laughs then this should suit.

Verdict: 6/10

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Memoirs of a Travelling Tolderian Salesman #5

I've been exploring the world of Elenchera for more than a decade now. Over time I've been privileged to learn of some amazing events:- gods at war, voyages of discovery, near extinction of ancient races, the elevation of magic as the necessity of all, slaves breaking free of their shackles and inventions that changed the world forever. Chronicles of Elenchera are hard to come by with the legendary historian Hawkswood having written the most prized accounts of the Elencheran timelines. In my endless search I did manage to find one book that I have found most useful in sharing something of this very different world.

"Memoirs of a Travelling Tolderian Salesman" was written by a unique individual known as Norman Verne. Who is Norman and where does he come from you might ask. Well, Norman is/was a toldere from the island of Lemanto. Tolderes? You must have heard of them. They're canine headed men, a jovial bunch that love buying and selling, you could say the Del Boy of their world though a little more successful. In 26338 of the Fifteenth Shard Norman Verne became the first travelling tolderian salesman when he boarded a ship and left Lemanto behind, not returning for 79 years. In that time he is said to have travelled throughout Elenchera, visiting familiar lands in the east and the fledgling colonies in the west. I intend to use this blog to share extracts of Norman's journey. This book only covers the early years of his journey but if I happen upon any later instalments you'll be the first to know. Take my hand and let us delve into the world of Elenchera together. 

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7th June 26338

First diary entry for a long time. My journey has taken an ill turn following my departure from Odrica. I took a ship bound for the north of Valadomiar and paid no heed to the small size of the chartered vessel. Only when we approached the north coast of Elenchera's largest continent did the crew show their true colours. Without warning I was rounded up with the dozen or so other passengers and we were thrown overboard, our fates at the mercy of the unrelenting ocean waves. They stole everything of value from us and anything deemed useless was jettisoned with the same lack of care as the rest of us were.

As the ship turned and left us out in the open sea I found many of my belongings still afloat, mostly the tunics and garments so I gathered what I could and clung to a discarded trunk that somehow defied the surrounding water desperate to enter its confines. My fellow discarded passengers cared much less for their goods than I did. They were focussed purely on survival and began swimming south towards the coast of Valadomiar. My perspective was very different. I needed to salvage what goods I could as they were my ticket to survival on this journey. All the money I had made so far, as well as my emergency funds, were now in the hands of calculating pirates. More fool me for believing the bulk of the pirates operated in the western colonies.

While my fellow passengers were able to bridge the currents and make their way to Valadomiar, I drifted too far away from them in my efforts to salvage all my goods. Consequently, I found myself being carried farther out to sea and had to call on all my reserves of strength to hang onto the creaking chest as it bobbed up and down in the open water. I became convinced I was going to die out here, a sorry end to what had been a brief journey so far. How my fellow tolderes back home would laugh and roll their eyes at the thought of poor Norman Verne in his ocean grave. I wanted the strength to prove them all wrong, to make an impact on this journey and prove that this was a path of discovery and enlightenment as well as of commerce.

I opened my eyes and realised I must have found enough peace to sleep away my troubles. I was surprised to find I wasn't wet and the discarded trunk, the only thing that has kept me afloat, was nowhere to be seen. All of that was superseded by the lack of the ocean around me. I was in the warm embrace of a bed with a candle burning brightly on a table nearby. Watching the flickering flame I felt weary once more but willed myself to rise and find out where I was and how I had got here. I placed one foot on the floor and then the other but when I stood I immediately collapsed, my legs unwilling to bear the burden of my weight. As I breathed in the air I found my lungs ached and felt cold inside. My collapse must have made quite a sound for no sooner had I hit the floorboards than a door swung open behind me and a large man with long blonde hair and a drooping moustache rushed to my aid, lifting me back into bed and covering my body once more.

He appeared like any other human I had seen save his eyes. They were green and sparkled like emeralds. Seeing that striking gaze answered the question of where I had washed up. Instead of drifting south to Valadomiar, I had gone north and reached the coast of Kaluminia. Purveyors of magic, the Kaluminians have a rich and proud history and all their people are said to house incredible power within their veins, the glow in their eyes being the insignia that they are vessels of magic. Realising where I was, I suddenly become fearful, afraid that the Kaluminians may use their magic powers on me.

The kindly Kaluminian brings me soup and tells me he found me on the beach just south of his village. As luck would have it he is not a magician but a merchant named Theobald and he informed me that my salvaged goods had all been brought ashore and were drying by his fireplace. That's as far as my luck held. Theobald told me I was ill due to the cold and exposure of being at sea and would need some time to rest and recuperate. I tried to tell him of my journey and how it was imperative I was back on the road very soon but he wouldn't hear another word of it. His refusal took me aback at first but it was only my mind that was eager to be back out there selling and trading, my body had wilted out in the ocean and pleaded for convalescence. I had no choice but to obey.

I manage only half of the soup Theobald has prepared before surrendering once more to sleep. My situation isn't a good one. I have no money thanks to the pirates I met in Odrica and only a handful of goods to my name including the accursed yellow tunic that just won't leave me behind. When I'm recovered I will have to speak with Theobald and see if I can work for him for a while. It's not a request I will make with any enthusiasm but, being penniless as I am, this Kaluminian merchant may be the only hope I have left. I probably should return to Lemanto at this juncture but I can't face the shame of quitting now. I'll speak to Theobald but tomorrow, I need to rest now, too much has happened for me to think clearly.

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Special guest: Laura K. Watts, author of Secret Confessions of a Backpacker

Something a little different today: I'd like to give a very warm welcome to Laura Watts, author of Secret Confessions of a Backpacker.  Laura has kindly agreed to guest post on the blog about her new book and even supplied an intriguing extract.  I'd like to wish Laura every possible success with her writing and I hope you enjoy her post.

'Laura is about to embark on a once in a lifetime opportunity. Granted a twelve month working holiday visa to travel Australia, Laura wants to make the most of every experience that comes her way. Based on a real life account, these stories highlight what can happen on a remarkable year away. Laura invites you to read these candid stories, tales of adventure and excitement, and she also shares with you everything she didn't mention in her weekly telephone conversations back home.'

[image error]Secret Confessions of a Backpacker: My Adventure Down Under is a book about what it's really like to travel in a foreign country. I had a working holiday visa to travel Australia for a year and I also spent two months travelling New Zealand, although I couldn't work there. My book is a memoir, as opposed to a travel book because I am too open and honest for it to be classed as travel. It's a real candid book, dealing with emotion as well. I wanted to write a book about travelling which isn't in the travel genre. I wanted to write something from a backpackers perspective rather than just from a tourist point, as travelling is about so much more than meets the eye. My book is definitely not for the faint hearted! I always try to warn people of this by giving the book an adult content warning.

[image error]If people read my book, they would probably agree that travelling isn't always like what other people think it will be like. It's not always about lying on sunny beaches drinking cocktails, or dining out in fabulous restaurants every night. Travelling can be quite tough sometimes. I ended up sharing my sleeping space with people who had only just come out of prison, or a psychiatric hospital, several times. I even met someone who developed an unhealthy interest in me, and asked me to be the mother of his children, even though he never knew my name! On the other hand, I really do not regret going to any of the places I have been because I have had some fantastic times, and met some lovely people, despite the madness! I think people will enjoy my book because I am so open and honest about things. I think that factor is what people will enjoy the most.

I was inspired to write this book by keeping a detailed diary while travelling, and I thought it would be a nice idea to share some experiences that I went through. After all, I still had my diary and it seemed like a shame to waste the material.

I would recommend the book to anyone who has only the slightest inclination to go travelling. If they are unsure about any aspect of the backpacking lifestyle, I think reading my book will help make up their minds either way. I would also recommend it for people who have never travelled but would like to. I would like to think my book can give other people inspiration.

Find out more:

L.K. Watts:  http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/lkwatts

Blog:  http://lkwattsconfessions.blogspot.com

To purchase book:

Smashwords  http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/54060

Amazon.co.uk  http://amzn.to/lL0Cjj

Amazon.com  http://amzn.to/mnaL1Q

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