Benjamin Wallace's Blog, page 27

Holy Crap, Free Book(s)

Merry Christmas, everyone. To celebrate the holiday, I’m giving away Dumb White Husband vs. Santa for free for the next 5 days on Amazon. You can get it here. 

 

Erik has planned the prefect Christmas for his young twins, but Christmas isn’t cooperating. With neighbors delivering fruit cakes and oddly shaped presents to wrap, his frustration mounts until “Santa” ruins everything.

 

Also, this is the last book I plan to give away for free on Amazon.

 I’m still planning to give away free books, but only to members of the brand spanking new The Holy Crap, Free Books Program.

 Joining is easy. All you have to do is sign up for my newsletter and you’re a member. It will make you feel special and give you access to exclusive giveaways and content. And the books will still come straight to your Kindle. Sign up here and feel special today.

It’s the only way you’ll get my books for free. And, it’s fun.

To sum up—Enjoy the story. Sign up. Feel special. Free books. Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

-ben

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I’m So Giveable

Despite the weather (80 in Dallas the last couple of days) it’s the holiday season and that can only mean one thing. Panic. Stone cold panic has set in about what to get the people you love most.

Kids are easy—mine sat on Santa’s lap and asked him for World of Warcraft, a guitar and a motorcycle. To his credit, he did not laugh in their faces nearly as hard as I did.

Grown ups are more difficult. They already have all the cool toys, nice threads and know how to work Gamefly. So, here’s something they don’t have. My books in print. I know they don’t have them because they are just recently available. One just came out.

    Dumb White Husband for President – brand spanking new to the world of paper, this book collects all of the Dumb White Husband stories thus far. And it’s the only place you can get the short story Dumb White Husband vs The Tooth Fairy and the novella Dumb White Husband for President. Join John, Chris and Eric as they take on Santa, Halloween, the grocery store and the HOA and fail. Miserably.

 

Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors - Take America. Apocalypse the hell out of it. Then drop a man, his dog and their Winnebago into the middle of it all. Join the Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warrior and Chewy as they travel the wasteland looking to help people in need. People who generally don’t want their help.

 

 

Tortugas Rising – While you weren’t looking, the rich and powerful built a chain of luxurious man-made islands in the Gulf of Mexico. Steve Bennett suddenly finds himself an heir to one of the islands and a billionaire’s fortune. He and his friend travel to the islands and get caught up in a plot that will change America forever. And, only they can stop it. They have no training, no skills and not a single clue. America is probably screwed.

 

That person whose laugh makes your heart sing … that other person who could use a good laugh because their constant whining is bringing everyone down … your mom. Each of these would make tremendous gifts for all of those people.

Of course, if you want to spoil yourself, you could self-gift them. Just promise to act surprised when you unwrap them. No one likes a snooper.

Thanks for reading.

-ben

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USING MY WORDS – NEW COVER DAY

 

It’s new cover day! I love new cover day though it’s a mixed bag of emotions. I’m always excited because they look awesome and then I’m terrified because I never think the story measures up to the cover. (Hint: It does) Nevertheless, it’s new cover day! Here it is:

 

This is the cover for the serial novel I’ve been writing all year. It will be the first title in a series of pulp parody adventures. I love it the cover. And it’s easy to see how the sequel, and all the other Bulletproof Adventure, will carry the look.

The complete novel will be sent out in my newsletter on the 30th. Sign up now.

 

Awesome people that made this happen:

Teren Mabry illustrated the mask

Crystal Roznik did the cover design

And my lovely wife (aka Monkey Paw Creative) helped get the smoke just the way I wanted it (I was a real pain in the ass about that).

 

 

 

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HOLY CRAP. FREE BOOK.

For the past year I’ve been writing a serial novel for my newsletter entitled The Bulletproof Adventures of Damian Stockwell: Horror In Honduras. It’s my comedic take on the adventure pulps on the 30’s. It’s full of action, adventure and justice.

The final installment will be released on the 30th. There’s still time to sign up for the newsletter if you’d like to read the entire book for free.

Here’s a little more about the book:

Raised from birth to be a force for justice, Damian Stockwell has forever trained to combat the evils of the world. Blessed with the physique of a demigod and one of the world’s foremost minds, he travels the globe on a quest to confront evil and punch it in the face. At his disposal is a vast fortune, an endless array of gadgets and loyal friends.

Now, one of those friends has gone missing in a Central American jungle and the only clue is the grotesque image of a demonic tribal mask. Dam and his trusted valet Bertrand rush headlong into danger and go face-to-face with evil incarnate to save their missing friend and attempt to destroy the Horror in Honduras.

Get it FREE. Sign up here.

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FREE Short Story – Happy Thanksgiving

Enjoy some demons and tomahawks with your cranberry sauce this Thanksgiving.

Download it FREE on Amazon right now.

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20 Questions with Blaize Nolynne

1. So, what’s your book all about?

‘Firefighter Down, District One’ is about the main character, Catisha Spadoni, witnessing her father die.  Her childhood houses catches on fire and her father, a fire captain saves her.  It isn’t until after that day did she find it was arson, and nobody is about to solve the case.  After time goes on she begins to follow the firefighter’s duty and decide to go to school to try to solve her father’s case.

2. What inspired you to write this tale?

My father was a firefighter for fifteen years.  I wanted to write something about the men and women who put on the gear and fight fire, but I also wanted to write in a mystery form.

3. Do you have a favorite quote about creativity/inspiration etc…? What is it?

Dream as if you will live forever- Live as if you will die today:

4. What things do you keep in your “writing space”? Do they inspire you? Confound you? Hold wires in place?

I keep a lot of pictures in my writing space of my family.

5. What is your perfect “writing space”?

One with grand bookcases and water channel that parted the manuscripts from books and at the very end a circular landing in the waterway with a desk.  One can only dream huh?

6. If your car horn could play any song, which would it be? Can’t say Dixie.

‘Love your Love the Most’ Eric Church or ‘A little more Country then that’ by Easton Corbin

7. What would you name the first permanent settlement on mars?

I am not sure, how about Blaizedale Hill or Standlynn.

8. How tall is the perfect sidekick? Please explain why it even matters.

I don’t know if it does matter as long as he or she can do the job!

9. If you were to mess with the time stream, what would you change? Let’s assume a hundred other people already took care of Hitler so you don’t have to say, “Kill Hitler.”

There are a lot of things I would change, but the one major one would be the fact I would make September 11th never have happened.  Everyone would still be alive.

10. Let’s say your character has a pet brown bear. What’s the bear’s name?

Would be funny to name him Smokey the Bear since it is a Firefighter story, but I think she would name him Ember.

11. If you had to give an antagonist an annoying trait, what would it be?

[Laughing] Take your pick!  I have given my antagonist many annoying traits in my book from being mean to being selfish, however she also acts childish.

12. What kind of car would your ultimate protagonist drive?

Besides a fire truck and pickup trucks I think she would love to drive a ford GT sports car, it looks like a Lamborghini.  I don’t know if she would have it pink and black or red and white.

13. You’ve got a year to travel anywhere. Where?

Every fire house I could see.

14. You just bought a boat with your book fortune. What are you going to call it?

L’Amore Prova DelFuego  ( Love is Fireproof) – I would have said ‘The World Isn’t Enough’ but that name is already taken.

15. What kind of music, if any, gets you typing the fastest?

There is some firefighter songs out there from Firefighter Anthem in which I listen to which gets me typing faster.

16. What’s the punch line to your favorite joke?

I am not sure.  I like so many jokes, but I don’t know which would be my favorite.

17. What lyric do you sing poorly, yet loudly?

Too many to name!  I am not the greatest singer, but I still sing.

18. You find a portal to another world in your sink’s drain. What is this other world called? And what is the best way to clean the portal so it doesn’t smell like old food?

This Paradox from the portal in my sink would be called ‘Zyegone’ a world filled with peaceful things, such as waterfalls, beautiful architecture.  Things that bring me tranquility would be found there.

I would be scrubbing that portal, however I would also be using ultra violet rays to kill the bacteria.

19. Where can people learn more about you, your work or any pets you have?

People can learn about me on facebook, twitter, Google plus and also on my face book fan page.

www.facebook.com/blaizenolynne

www.facebook.com/blaizenolynnefan

Twitter: Blaize Nolynne

Blog :  https://plus.google.com/u/0/115230980798347376294

20. What’s next?

I am writing Book three of the series.  In a couple months the sequel will be available.  That is incredibly exciting.  When I am done book three I am going to take a short break from the series and write a true story about bullying and what happened to a girl who was bullied.

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20 Questions with Elliot Fliés

1. So, what’s your book all about?

It is the story of two men in a committed relationship who adopt two boys from Southeast Asia. The story is told through the eyes of a clever and funny yellow lab retriever named Kai.

2. What inspired you to write this tale?

Living through the joys and frustrations of an international adoption, being part of an atypical family, and wanting to record this story for my sons.

3. Do you have a favorite quote about creativity/inspiration etc…? What is it?

“In the depth of winter, I realized that within me there lay an invincible summer.”  - Albert Camus

4. What things do you keep in your “writing space”? Do they inspire you? Confound you? Hold wires in place?

I keep ultimate simplicity. I’m either at my computer at a simple desk with no distractions, or on my back patio surrounded by nature.

5. What is your perfect “writing space”?

My favorite place to write is at our family cabin in northern Minnesota, looking out at the shimmering waters of a beautiful lake.

6. If your car horn could play any song, which would it be? Can’t say Dixie.

Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World”

7. What would you name the first permanent settlement on mars?

Atlantis Found

8. How tall is the perfect sidekick? Please explain why it even matters.

Exact same height and size as me so I could double my available wardrobe.

9. If you were to mess with the time stream, what would you change? Let’s assume a hundred other people already took care of Hitler so you don’t have to say, “Kill Hitler.”

I would go back to 1986 and have my beloved cousin Susan take a different route home from the beach, so she would not have been killed by a drunk driver.

10. Let’s say your character has a pet brown bear. What’s the bear’s name?

“Gray Bear” (My main character is a color-blind dog.)

11. If you had to give an antagonist an annoying trait, what would it be?

Talking way too much.

12. What kind of car would your ultimate protagonist drive?

A Corvette convertible, so she can have the wind in her face without hanging out the window like a typical dog.

13. You’ve got a year to travel anywhere. Where?

Canada, from coast to coast.

14. You just bought a boat with your book fortune. What are you going to call it?

“Kai” (after my dog, the author)

15. What kind of music, if any, gets you typing the fastest?

Dance music.

16. What’s the punch line to your favorite joke?

“He was trying to make both ends meet.”

17. What lyric do you sing poorly, yet loudly?

All of them.

18. You find a portal to another world in your sink’s drain. What is this other world called? And what is the best way to clean the portal so it doesn’t smell like old food?

Niard (“drain” backwards”). There, they use Onard (“Drano” backwards) to clean the portal.

19. Where can people learn more about you, your work or any pets you have?

retrievingisaacandjason.com, or my facebook or linked-in pages.

20. What’s next?

“Retrieving” is the first of a trilogy. “Retrieving” is the non-fiction tale about my future (my kids). “Journey”, which is 2/3 written, is historical non-fiction about my family or origin; more specifically, about three generations of my family owning a rustic cabin in northern Minnesota and the antics that ensued. “Everett Falls” is a fictional coming of age story that is its deepest sense contains different aspects of my own life.

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Using My Words – Find A Designer

Find a designer and make friends with them now. Don’t even finish this just do it and then come back and finish reading.

I’ve always known the power of good design. I’ve never been able to pull it off myself but I’ve always known how important it is. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet quite a few talented art directors, designers, illustrators and such. I even married an art director.

You don’t have to go that far if you don’t want to, but definitely get to know a designer because their work can make your work better.

I’m not just talking about cover design here. You’ve read a kabillion blogs about the importance of cover design. I’m talking about everything else: blog page, webpage, facebook header, Twitter, your email background and more.

The more is becoming even more important. We want word of our books to spread and, despite what we word monkeys would like to believe, pictures are going to be shared more than words. This is where a great designer is essential.

A great designer can take your words and turn them into something more than text. My friend and awesome designer Crystal did these for me. I’ve had requests to turn them into posters and t-shirts, and I almost certainly will, but first they go out on Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter with the hopes that everyone shares her design and is intrigued by the words enough to check out the book.

Find a designer. Treat them well. Call them awesome. They’ll do great things for you.

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20 Questions with Robert Ford

1. So, what’s your book all about?

The King of Spain (http://apostrophebooks.com/kingofspain/) is about friendship and love and hope, and technology and aging, and bears. It’s about everything and nothing.

2. What inspired you to write this tale?

Life I guess, the way things seem to be going, things I worry about. I also wanted to write a story set in the future that was not apocalyptic, where current trends are simply extrapolated, taken to their logical conclusions in some cases. A future of banalities.

3. Do you have a favorite quote about creativity/inspiration etc…? What is it?

‘You’re gonna smell what the Rock is cooking’ Strangely inspirational.

4. What things do you keep in your “writing space”? Do they inspire you? Confound you? Hold wires in place?

My writing space at the moment is also my daughter’s bedroom. So there is a cot, many toys, a mobile with these five hot air balloons on that it is easy to spend hours staring at.

5. What is your perfect “writing space”?

For me time is the issue, not space.

6. If your car horn could play any song, which would it be? Can’t say Dixie.

The Frog Song by Paul McCartney

7. What would you name the first permanent settlement on mars?

Shitthebedicantbelieveweareon, Mars

8. How tall is the perfect sidekick? Please explain why it even matters.

4 foot 3 inches. Ideal pint resting territory.

9. If you were to mess with the time stream, what would you change? Let’s assume a hundred other people already took care of Hitler so you don’t have to say, “Kill Hitler.”

Tough question. I’d probably try to somehow make sure the moustache was forever deemed acceptable, from a fashion point of view that is.

10. Let’s say your character has a pet brown bear. What’s the bear’s name?

Mike. Actually the main character in The King of Spain is pursued by a small Black Bear – the Bear doesn’t have a name but he is quite an odd fish, with a northern accent and burgundy dungarees.

11. If you had to give an antagonist an annoying trait, what would it be?

Nose picking. Really don’t like nose picking.

12. What kind of car would your ultimate protagonist drive?

Vauxhall Cavalier – never has a more tragicomic vehicle been produced

13. You’ve got a year to travel anywhere. Where?

Brazil. I’m obsessed with Fitzcoraldo. I’d like to try to drag a boat over a mountain.

14. You just bought a boat with your book fortune. What are you going to call it?

Intrepid Susan

15. What kind of music, if any, gets you typing the fastest?

I listen to a lot of ambient mixes on mixcloud.com – they seem to help as they’re quite neutral

16. What’s the punch line to your favorite joke?

Maybe I am?

17. What lyric do you sing poorly, yet loudly?

Somewhere, beyond the sea…..

18. You find a portal to another world in your sink’s drain. What is this other world called? And what is the best way to clean the portal so it doesn’t smell like old food?

This portal could lead to any number of small towns in England. They ALL smell of old food.

19. Where can people learn more about you, your work or any pets you have?

The best way is probably to read the book – you can get it from 130+ retailers through Apostrophe Books: http://apostrophebooks.com/kingofspain/

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008PEVHF0

Nook: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-king-of-spain-robert-ford/1112312883?ean=9781908556356

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/TheKingOfSpainByRobertFord

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15810869-the-king-of-spain

Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/apostrophebooks/the-king-of-spain-by-robert-ford/

20. What’s next?

Changing nappies (diapers). Not sleeping. Writing when I can.

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Sweet Saturday Sample 10/27 – Dumb White Husband vs. Halloween

Welcome everyone and Happy Halloween.

Here’s the Sweet Saturday Sample: #SweetSat

They would come down the path. Eddie Driscoll would rise to meet them. Their panic would drive them into the sudden arms of Kachanga, the miniature giant gorilla. The stench from his fur – an original blend of pickled eggs and Old Spice – would repel them back to the horrendous balloon animals of Bubbles, the axe-murdering clown.

The other cords, cables and lines shook various bushes and trees to keep the victims moving ever forward. Each horror would bounce them closer and closer to the end – a face full of water from Spittin’ Bob and the prize of a full-sized chocolate bar. He giggled to himself as he imagined the fright of the neighborhood kids. The Yard of Terror would be unmatched and he would become a legend. This would totally make up for last year.

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Wanna read more? DOWNLOAD it for FREE from now till Halloween!

Thanks for reading

- ben

Also, go back and check out the other Sweet Saturday Sample authors.

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