Benjamin Wallace's Blog, page 21

10 Minutes of The Hunger Games

It was hard to find anyone at the office that wasn’t reading it when it came out. When people asked me if I had read it, I told them that it was next on my list after finishing Hand, Hand, Finger, Thumb.

When the movie came out, a lot of people threw a fit that it was going to be rated PG-13 instead of R. Calmly, I tried to remind them that it was a kid’s book.

I think everyone knows the gist of this movie. It’s the Running Man meets Lord of the Flies with less Jesse Ventura.

Anyway, here’s the first 10 minutes (or so) of The Hunger Games:

There’s some reading to do at the very beginning. Don’t worry. It’s not much. If I was in the theater I have no doubt that half the audience would have read it for me. Blah, blah, blah the state won a rebellion. To commemorate it, children between 12 and 18 will fight to the death. The winner will receive riches, the losers will be dead and we’ll call it The Hunger Games because … well, I don’t know. Doesn’t seem to have much to do with hunger yet.

We cut to a broadcast. Stanley Tucci is interviewing the game master. The game master has a really bizarre mustache. This can mean only one thing in the future—hipsters have won the war. So, it is a bleak future indeed.

And they’re gone. Not really sure what that interview proved. Tucci only asked one question and they cut away before it was answered. Maybe the guys mustache was the answer. No telling. I’m sure they’ll come back to it.

Okay now we’re in some shitty town and some little girl is crying about dying or something but then her older sister sings a song with her and everything is okay. Wait. Is this a Disney movie? It better not be a musical.

With fear of death sung away, the older sister goes to leave. There is an angry cat hissing at her. So, in the future, cats are still evil. I’m thinking they teamed up with the hipsters to win the war because whiskers are essentially mustaches.

She’s running through the shitty town showing us how shitty everything is. They cut to a couple of kids playing in mud with sticks. This could be to show us how poor everyone is, but if you put any kid near mud with a stick, they’re going to play in it. It’s what kids do.

Aaargh. Friggin’ shaky cam. Why? Why must you do this to me?

Okay, she’s at an electric fence that marks the edge of District 13. I know because the sign says electric fence and something about it being the edge of District 13. She jumps right through. The sign is a damn liar.

Now she’s in the woods. She’s hidden a bow in a log. And some arrows in another log. Why not hide them in the same log? She sees a deer. She pulls back the arrow. She must be an excellent archer. There’s a gust of wind and it blows the hair from behind her into her face. The deer smells her. She notices this. Now she crumples up a bunch of leaves to see which way the wind is blowing. It’s from behind you dumb ass. It blew the hair in your face. Towards the deer. We all just watched it happen. I could tell which way it was blowing and I’m not even in the movie!

Then she picks up a rock. And puts it in the bow. What? Okay, maybe she’s not that good of an archer. You don’t shoot rocks. She doesn’t even know how it works. She scares the deer into the open and is about to shoot it—with an arrow this time—but some guy startles her and she misses.

She knows him. He calls her Catnip. That is a stupid name.

There is a giant blast of wind. There’s a huge hovercraft overhead. Maybe the wind is coming from there. Quick! Drop some leaves, Catnip! The pair run for cover and talk about running away and living in the woods, but they’d never make it probably because of hovercrafts.

Now we’re back in the shitty town. Elizabeth Banks is there. She’s covered in white makeup. Is this a Tim Burton movie? No, it can’t be. Danny Elfman didn’t score it. Damn, they uglied her up. She was cute too. I don’t like a future where they make the hot girl from Scrubs ugly.

There’s a bunch of the State Police Oppression Force Around. Their uniforms are pretty lame. They look like the cops from THX-1138, like a 60′s bond villain designed them and then had to scale back the henchman uniform budget. The guys with the calculators taped to their arms in Total Recall were more threatening.

There’s a lot of talking about peoples chance of getting drawn, and that probably includes some back story or highlights of how desperate they are or something but I wasn’t really paying attention as they’re pretty much just dressing up nice to go the lottery.

BATH SCENE! Oh, false alarm. Forgot it was PG-13.

At the drawing there’s some kind of Big Brother film being shown. It confirms what I always knew, Donald Sutherland will narrate the apocalypse.

So the little sister’s name is drawn so Catnip volunteers to take her place. The kid from Journey to the Center of the Earth is also chosen. No one loves him enough to take his place. No one in the crowd claps because everything is boring so far.

So, Catface, or whatever, gets three minutes to say goodbye to her family. Her sister tells her to try and win which means, don’t die. Cathead says, “I just might. I’m pretty smart, you know.”

What she doesn’t add is, “Just don’t ask me which way the wind is blowing, because that confuses the shit out of me, I mean it’s hard because wind is all invisible and shit. But, other than knowing which way the wind is blowing, I’m pretty smart. And I can figure out which way the wind is blowing if I have some leaves. Maybe the Hunger Games will have some leaves around and I’ll be able to figure out which way the wind is blowing. As long as my hair stays out my face. I hate it when the wind blows my hair in my face when I’m trying to figure out which way the wind is blowing. But, smart. Besides wind. Smart.”

That was roughly ten minutes. I’m sure more stuff happens after that.

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Published on November 21, 2013 21:42

Dumb White Husband vs The Christmas Wish List 2013

Children need help with a lot of things. Their Christmas Wish List isn’t one of them. They’ve been working on it since their birthday and have the thing committed to memory like they were a spy protecting government secrets.

Despite this, websites everywhere have been compiling Hot Toy Lists to help you spoil your children. I decided to take a look at Amazon’s list and see what they had on it. Here’s what I found on the boys list.

Let’s start with a classic:

WOODEN TOY TRAIN SET

The North Pole Workshop classic. Countless Christmas specials show the elves cranking out wooden trains so fast you might think kids would actually want one. But, no kid wants some crap-ass wooden train set. It may feel nostalgic, but is nostalgia really worth $60? No. Lick a candy cane and get the kid something they want.

The only thing this is good for is convincing your kids that Santa is real. And, that he hates your children.

Get it anyway: Crap-Ass Wooden Train Set

TALKING MINION

Minions—funny. The way they talk—funny. Having one living with you and chattering a few select phrases non-stop—nerve-grinding irritant. Placing it under the back wheel of a sports car and launching it at 70 mph into the neighbor’s fence—funny. So, there are pros and cons.

Get it anyway: Talking Minion with Exciting Patience Testing Feature

ZIG ZAG FURBY

My kids never had a Furby. I know how it is to grow attached to something and then lose it. I don’t want them to experience that before they have to. I’d hate to see them fall in love with this Furbish speaking critter and then see it shattered beneath my boot when I finally snap and punt the thing through a window. I love them too much. So, they won’t be getting one. Although, I would be interested in putting it together with the talking Minion and seeing which one bursts into flames first.

Anyway, the Furby has made hot toy lists for years and it’s back again. Now in an exciting new color that looks like the tracking on your VCR is screwed up. Other than that, I think it’s the same toy.

Get it anyway: Same Old Furby now in Stupid Colors

NERF ANYTHING

NERF rocks. Not the stupid soccer ball, but the guns. These are practically the only toy guns left out there and they’re the only thing that keep our sons from growing up to be 1980′s communists. So get one, put it in his hand and teach him how to use it to defend liberty from its enemies. Actually, get enough for the whole family because a NERF skirmish sucks if no one is sending the ammo back at you.

Defend Liberty: Commie Hating NERF Gun

SKYLANDERS

Skylanders has been the biggest toy for the last two years and there’s no reason to think this year will be any different. Why? Because the brilliant bastards behind this game have made it so your have to buy the $80 game/figure/portal version again. Some of the new figures can swap torsos and legs to create new combinations and I guess that requires new portal technology. It also means that there are now there are 55 figures for “kids” to collect. Damn them those brilliant bastards.

My own kids are screaming for this and it will be under the tree. The figures from previous games work with Swap Force so they’ll have plenty of characters to use without me having to buy new ones.

Damn Those Brilliant Bastards: Skylanders Swap Force Beginner Addicts Kit

DISNEY INFINITY

Never to let not having an original idea stand in the way of profit, Disney has released a Skylanders-esque game as well. It’s the same kind of thing. Buy the game and collect figures that come to life in the game. Being a Disney product, the figures are more expensive than Skylanders. I guess they figured if they charged more, it wouldn’t look like they were just ripping off someone else’s idea.

Get It Anyway: Disney’s “It’s Nothing Like Skylanders” Skylanders Type Game

IMAGINEXT MEGA APATOSAURUS

It’s a freaking dinosuar with freaking guns all over it made for kids under 8. It’s a walking, roaring, blasting and, hopefully, man-eating personification of the Christmas spirit! It’s awesomeness molded in plastic because every boy already loves dinosaurs and instinctively knows that if they were alive today we’d strap cannons to their backs and ride them through the streets daring pedestrians to just try and make that light.

Roar, dammit!: Freaking Dinosaur with Freaking Guns

ANOTHER STUPID FURBY

I’m not sure who the Furbies know at Amazon, but here’s another one. This is exactly the same as the other one but designed to look like you are viewing it with a concussion or some other form of head trauma.

Get It Anyway: Another Stupid Furby

IMAGINEXT BATCAVE

I think the Imaginext toys are great. I can’t really say I support any child’s decision to be a DC comics fan, but if they must, Batman is the way to go. All of the Imaginext playsets are durable and even my older kid continues to play with them. The other sets include jungle adventure, castles, rockets, sea serpents and freaking dinosaurs with freaking guns on them. So go ahead and get your kid the Batcave. If he starts asking for the Superman sets, though, it may be time to sit him down and have the talk about the difference between boys and girls.

He’s Batman: Batcave playset, Freaking Dinosuars with Freaking Guns not included.

LEGO

I personally think that Lego is the greatest toy ever made and I will fight any man that says differently provided that he is not bigger than me, armed, trained in mystical forms of combat or looking when I sneak up behind him with a chair. You just can’t go wrong with Lego.

Obviously, The Lone Ranger Lego is not on the Hot Toys List. Chima is, but not Lone Ranger. But, that’s where we get lucky. My kid has been asking for this all year and I’ve been waiting for the fallout from the bomb that was the film to reach the retail level. It finally has. Amazon has most of the Lone Ranger sets marked down 25 – 30%. Johnny Depp’s loss is our gain.

Hi Ho, Silver: Just Tell Them It’s A Wild West Lego Train Set

DESPICABLE ME 2 FART GUN

The weaponized fart has been a staple of children’s humor since farts were first allowed in broadcast media and probably long before that. That’s why this is terrible. Not because it’s crude or disgusting or because the kids will be firing farts fast enough to make a mini-gun jealous until the batteries die or you can shove it in the garbage disposal, but because it’s played out. Give ‘em a pad and a pen and tell them to write better jokes. It will serve humanity better in the long run. Unless they just write a bunch of fart jokes. Which is a good possibility.

Get It Anyway: The world’s most tired joke in gun form

BOOM BOOM BALLOON

“Hey, let’s blow up a balloon and jab it with sharp sticks until it breaks because explosions are cool.”

- degenerate children and the idiots that made this game

I hate it when toys break on Christmas morning. This one self destructs.

Get It Anyway: Gunshot Simulator/Heart Attack Inducer

ANOTHER DAMN FURBY

Hearts? Oh, well, that’s totally different. It’s definitely worth $60 now. (I wonder if Furbys understand sarcasm)

Get It Anyway: $60 Worth of Bullshit with Hearts

TRAMPOLINE

Merry Christmas. Have a broken tibia.

Get It Anyway: Bouncy Fun and Hospital Admission

MIC AND AMPLIFIER

It makes children louder. This goes against everything that parenting stands for. Whoever added this to the list deserves to be beaten. With the mic and amp. While in the bathtub.

Get It Anyway: Mic and Amplifier, Neighbor’s Angst Included

RADIO CONTROLLED PLANE

A radio controlled plane is a pretty sweet Christmas present for anyone. You know what isn’t? A radio controlled plane that doesn’t freaking fly. Basically, your kid straps what look like sandwiches to their hands and runs around the room making airplane noises and pretending to fly like a plane. The Planes plane rolls around on the ground after the child making airplanes noises and pretending to fly like a plane. But, it doesn’t, because Disney wants to see just how stupid your are.

If my kids got a radio control plane that didn’t fly I would find a way to get that piece of shit airborne as soon as possible.

Get It Anyway: Disney Stupidity Test

HOLIDAY SWEATER FURBY

I know you’re expecting me to complain about yet another Furby, but this guy I like. The Holiday Sweater edition Furby is the only one honest enough to admit that it will be put away before the 26th and never thought of again. I appreciate honesty. It shows integrity. Integrity that those other crappy Furbys don’t have. But, integrity still ain’t worth $60.

Get In Anyway: Festive Freaking Furby

DRUMS

Up yours, Amazon. Up yours.

Get It Anyway: I Hate My Neighbors And They Can Go To Hell Drum Set with Floor Tom

YOUNG ADVENTURER’S ALPHABET

Okay, this one isn’t on the Hot Toys list, but I think you’re kid will love it.

Rhyme Away: Young Adventurer’s Alphabet by Benjamin Wallace

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Published on November 13, 2013 17:26

Dumb White Husband vs. Elf on the Shelf (aka Your Child’s First Stalker)

He knows when they are sleeping.

As far as I know, the Elf on the Shelf wasn’t around when I was a kid. If it was, it certainly wasn’t the phenom that it is today. Today it’s everywhere. It serves as newscast fluff and fills my social media timeline as parents snap all the clever locations they’ve placed it.

Sure, we didn’t have this impish little creature that hid all over the house and watched us, but you know what we did have?

Pretty much the same thing.

Let’s face it, this Elf might as well be called Child’s First Stalker and come packaged in a white van with a handful of lollipops and a sign that says, “FREE CANDY.” The thing is just creepy.

Yes, it looks innocent, but it also looks like Davy’s effeminate cousin. And that’s saying a lot because Davy wasn’t the most masculine marionette to begin with.

Except here. This is pretty butch.

Here’s how it’s suppose to work: You bring it home. The kid names it (probably something stupid) and you tell them that it has magical powers, but it will lose its powers if they touch it. Then, every night, you move it to a new location where it can use its elf magic to spy on your kid.

How do parents not see this as pure nightmare fuel? As a kid I would have been terrified to open my eyes in the morning for fear my elfin “friend” was staring back at me—possibly holding a knife behind its back just to add literal scarring to the emotional scarring—and smiling … always smiling with eyes that say, “I know what you did. I saw everything.”

But, if the kids really like it, what’s the problem?

The problem is I’ve got to remember to move it every night. Because, that’s exactly what I need during the holidays—one more thing to remember. I’ve already got the advent calendar sitting on a shelf mocking my organizational skills, I don’t need some damn leering elf reminding me that I’m failing my children because I can’t keep up with a to-do list.

But, of course I’ve got to move it because the thing has no feet. Just two creepy little stumps. This is because even the designers thought it was wrong. When got to the bottom of the thing they were thinking, “who are we kidding, no one is going to buy this creepy ass stalker doll. Let’s just give up.”

If it turns out he was a hero during the

Polar Wars, I’m going to feel like an ass.

But, all creepiness aside, it’s popular because kids want it. And my kids wanted it. So I tried to find it. But it’s too popular now. And I couldn’t find it. So they cried.

What could I do? I had to find something. So I found this on ETSY and told them it was the elf’s cousin.

They named him Idonwanna.

And it’s working. They won’t go near it because they don’t want it to lose its powers. And they’re really good whenever it’s in the room.

I’m glad I was able to make them happy.

UPDATE: Apparently, the Elf is now available at Amazon. I think I’ll stick with Idonwanna though. It’s working great.

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Published on November 12, 2013 10:32

Dumb White Husband vs. Snow White & The Huntsman

I was flipping through the channels the other day and caught a few minutes of this movie. It reminded me of when I watched the first 10 minutes, so I pulled up the old post.

As often happens at family gatherings, there are so many people in a room that no one is certain who gets to control the remote. This is why, last Thanksgiving, I watched the first ten or so minutes of Snow White and the Huntsman.

The movie opens with the Queen stabbing herself on a rose and being inspired by the blood on the snow to want a daughter that looks like that. Yes, like blood on white snow. Then she has a daughter and dies.

Then, I went for a cigarette.

When I came back the King saves a woman chained to the back of wagon and marries her. The new Queen then stabs the King and throws her stepdaughter, Snow White, in the tower. Then there was something about the Queen’s evil ruining the land I think, but I had grabbed some dessert, so I can’t be sure. But, I did witness some real evil powers she had that helped keep her young and she survives a straight up stabbing without the ill effects usually associated with stabbings.

When I sat back down, the Queen was doing the whole mirror, mirror bit. But, instead of the creepy face in the mirror that Disney made famous they went with a black guy under a gold bed sheet. Blah, blah, blah the girl from Twilight is prettier than Charlize Theron so go kill her and eat her heart or something.

Damn the Queen’s luck, Snow White is in the process of escaping because some birds brought her a shiv and she stabbed her step uncle then ran from the tower. She jumps into the sewer and then dives into the ocean. After swimming up on shore, she finds a white horse waiting for her. Just waiting for her, it was relaxing on the beach, no saddle, no reigns—the only conclusion is that this horse is magical. (update: I’ve since been told that Snow White could talk to animals. I was unaware of her Doolittle-esque powers though the movie certainly could have benefited from more Norm McDonald voiced animals.)

She jumps on the horse and rides away while the Queen’s guards pursue her through the dying land and crappy towns. The magical horse can’t run in mud for some reason and collapses. So it’s the stupidest magical horse ever and she runs on foot into the Dark Forest then falls into a spore that totally causes her to trip balls. She gets away anyway because the Queen’s guard are the only thing more incompetent than the magic horse.

We then cut to the Queen explaining that her evil powers don’t work in the Dark Forest because why would we expect evil powers to work in a dark forest? Just because the forest is evil and her powers are evil and her evil powers caused the dark forest to appear in the first place is no reason that we should expect her powers to work there.

Anyway, she tricks Thor into going into the forest after Snow White. He finds her right away because, hey, Queen’s guards, she was just lying there. Thor is double crossed by the Queen so he stabs a guy and then I stopped watching. My best guess is that it’s another couple of hours of crappy magic and stabbiness. And probably some dwarves.

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Published on November 07, 2013 17:42

Dumb White Husband vs Snow White & The Huntsman

I was flipping through the channels the other day and caught a few minutes of this movie. It reminded me of when I watched the first 10 minutes, so I pulled up the old post.

As often happens at family gatherings, there are so many people in a room that no one is certain who gets to control the remote. This is why, last Thanksgiving, I watched the first ten or so minutes of Snow White and the Huntsman.

The movie opens with the Queen stabbing herself on a rose and being inspired by the blood on the snow to want a daughter that looks like that. Yes, like blood on white snow. Then she has a daughter and dies.

Then, I went for a cigarette.

When I came back the King saves a woman chained to the back of wagon and marries her. The new Queen then stabs the King and throws her stepdaughter, Snow White, in the tower. Then there was something about the Queen’s evil ruining the land I think, but I had grabbed some dessert, so I can’t be sure. But, I did witness some real evil powers she had that helped keep her young and she survives a straight up stabbing without the ill effects usually associated with stabbings.

When I sat back down, the Queen was doing the whole mirror, mirror bit. But, instead of the creepy face in the mirror that Disney made famous they went with a black guy under a gold bed sheet. Blah, blah, blah the girl from Twilight is prettier than Charlize Theron so go kill her and eat her heart or something.

Damn the Queen’s luck, Snow White is in the process of escaping because some birds brought her a shiv and she stabbed her step uncle then ran from the tower. She jumps into the sewer and then dives into the ocean. After swimming up on shore, she finds a white horse waiting for her. Just waiting for her, it was relaxing on the beach, no saddle, no reigns—the only conclusion is that this horse is magical. (update: I’ve since been told that Snow White could talk to animals. I was unaware of her Doolittle-esque powers though the movie certainly could have benefited from more Norm McDonald voiced animals.)

She jumps on the horse and rides away while the Queen’s guards pursue her through the dying land and crappy towns. The magical horse can’t run in mud for some reason and collapses. So it’s the stupidest magical horse ever and she runs on foot into the Dark Forest then falls into a spore that totally causes her to trip balls. She gets away anyway because the Queen’s guard are the only thing more incompetent than the magic horse.

We then cut to the Queen explaining that her evil powers don’t work in the Dark Forest because why would we expect evil powers to work in a dark forest? Just because the forest is evil and her powers are evil and her evil powers caused the dark forest to appear in the first place is no reason that we should expect her powers to work there.

Anyway, she tricks Thor into going into the forest after Snow White. He finds her right away because, hey, Queen’s guards, she was just lying there. Thor is double crossed by the Queen so he stabs a guy and then I stopped watching. My best guess is that it’s another couple of hours of crappy magic and stabbiness. And probably some dwarves.

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Published on November 07, 2013 17:42