Donald Miller's Blog, page 71

How Multitasking Can Kill Your Relationships

They call it “multi-tasking.”  I call it annoying.  When I read about the merits of efficiency and the need to get more things done at once, it is always written from the perspective of the person doing multiple things at the same time.  I have never seen this modern habit described from the point of view of the person interacting with a multi-tasker.

When I walk into a colleague’s office and he is talking to me while simultaneously reading and responding to emails while his eyes dart to his iPhone’s text message alerts . . . I am not impressed with the ability to do several things at once.  Honestly, I get frustrated because I do not believe he is listening to me.  Over time this pattern has grated on me to the point I try to schedule our meetings in a conference room in an effort to disconnect his work station from our conversation.

*Photo Credit: ibm4381, Creative Commons

In a cross-cultural environment I think it is even more important to avoid the pitfalls of multi-tasking.  When I managed an office in Asia, a colleague introduced me to what he called the “5 Senses Rule.”  It was so simple it seemed silly, but I have seen its remarkable power.

The “5 Senses Rule” operates like this: when interacting with people or projects give them all 5 senses.

Do not look at, listen to, touch, or smell other things.  Don’t even taste things, if it will distract the person with whom you are interacting.  The idea is to give all your attention to the person you are with or the task you are doing.

When I have faithfully implemented this simple, no-cost strategy, I have seen both relational and substantive benefits. I get more done when I am less distracted.  Creating even small blocks of uninterrupted time allows me to write, think, create, and strategize with improved results.  It also changes the nature of the relationship because giving someone else my full attention translates as giving them respect and reduces miscommunication.

I need to be better at this . . . and writing this will undoubtedly create some accountability.  I want to put down my pen, push back from the keyboard, put my phone away, and let people know they matter. Focused attention produces better results in less time than serial distractions can.

My wife and I have even tried to implement this practice with our kids.

We give them all 5 senses and we ask them to give us all 5 senses whenever we are communicating. It practically means that people have to be in the same room when talking to each other, the screens have to be paused, and eye contact occurs. It has worked wonders.

Perhaps the most difficult place I have found to stay focused is in my faith. Distractions seem to erupt whenever I still myself to interact with my maker.

Good things occur when I give God all 5 of my senses. (tweet this)

Truth be told, I still listen to music when I work and sip coffee in meetings . . . but I try to only use these senses in a way that does not distract from the person I am with or the task to be completed.  The “5 Senses Rule” harnesses the power of focus to enhance relationships and increase productivity at the same time.

Try it for a week and let me know what you think.  If the people around you ask you to do other things while they are talking, you can always revert to multi-tasking.  Otherwise, get more done and improve your relationships by using the “5 Senses Rule.”

How Multitasking Can Kill Your Relationships is a post from: Storyline Blog

Why Everything is Awful and You’re Probably Going to Die

Every morning Betsy and I wake up and check the people news. By people news I mean Twitter, Instagram and for Betsy, Facebook. I’m not on Facebook (which makes me morally superior in some way) and talk about who’s doing what in the world.

There are two things we can count on every morning. The first is picture’s of her baby sister (Betsy is the oldest of seven. Her parents adopted an overly cute baby last year) to which we will comment or tweet back “so cute”. I might as well have “so cute” on auto reply for anything sent to me by Betsy’s family. It would always be the appropriate response.

*photo: Juanedc, Creative Commons

The second thing we can count on is a sling of twitter absolutes. A twitter absolute is a phrase or statement presented as an infallible law that, upon further examination, is neither provable or remotely true. And yet we all fall for them.

Twitter absolutes work best when they’re associated with some sort of fatal threat. For instance:

“Too much thinking about yourself is a path to isolation.” Of course this all sounds wise and knowing and vaguely true, but if you think about it, it’s logically absurd. Everybody loves a good narcissist, after all. They have lots of friends. And even if they don’t, they’re fine because they haven’t figured out people don’t like them. Hardly a path to isolation. And not only this, the saying is presented as a law. But it’s not a law. Context is everything.

I think the issue here is people like to have little truths they can cling to to give themselves a sense of security, and we are willing to believe them for the security, not because they actually make sense. It’s true that life feels like a game or a contest and it’s something people are trying to win. And games have rules. The more we know the rules the more we can feel like we are winning. Ooooh, that last sentence would make a good tweet, actually.

In my humble opinion (okay, not so humble. There’s nothing humble about blogging your opinions. Can we just agree on that?) I think we’re getting a little black and white in our thinking and a little dramatic in the results we’re pitching.

The sure way to get somebody to agree with you is to over-dramatize the fallout if they don’t.

I read Betsy a tweet this morning that said “The more your career is about you, the faster it will self destruct.” Really? I mean it’s a nice thought that points us toward a more selfless perspective, but is that really a law? I wanted to tweet “the more your life is about your dog the faster your dog will explode” just to see if people would retweet it.

Anyway, Betsy and I don’t buy into the little sayings anymore. We think it’s a lot of drama. Or to put it more accurately, “believing little sayings is a slow path to a lonely and isolated death.” Absolutely. Write that one in the margins of your Bible.

Why Everything is Awful and You’re Probably Going to Die is a post from: Storyline Blog

Sunday Morning Sermon — What Happens When We See Each Other

One way we can let people know they are important, is by letting them know that they are seen.

The people who have made me feel most alive have often just let me know I am seen. They’ve done this by making time for me, acknowledging something I’ve done for them, or calling out my strengths.

My friend Branden is a photographer from Portland. A couple of years ago he started a movement called Story Portrait, where he would take portraits of people, and then tell the story of why they were an amazing person. Branden started posting these photos on Instagram, and a movement started.

It makes perfect sense to me that Branden’s idea became so popular. There is something powerful about taking the stories of the those close to us, and sharing them with people who might not have otherwise heard them.

This video shares a story of another photographer from New York who just started taking photos of someone, and then listening to their story.

How can you make someone near you feel seen this week? I bet it would make them feel really loved.

Sunday Morning Sermon — What Happens When We See Each Other is a post from: Storyline Blog

Saturday Morning Cereal: The Best of the Internet This Week

On the weekend we pour a little more cereal in your bowl. We hope you enjoy some reading from our regular contributors, some viral videos and other great finds from the internet. This is what we loved this week. Share your favorite articles and videos in the comments below.

The Best From Our Contributors

I Long To Live Before I Die by Al Andrews

Why Some People Thrive And Others Don’t by Allison Vesterfelt

Positively Speaking by Joshua Becker

Things We Are Into

LEAGUES is a Nashville based band. Their break out album, Your Belong Here, features a unique sound unlike anything else. This album isn’t brand new, but I still can’t stop listening to it. You can stream their music for free on Spotify, or you can purchase their album on Amazon. The best part about LEAGUES is they are great guys, not just great musicians.

The Best Viral Videos We Found

Last week, the kid’s reaction to watching superman won the majority vote. What about this week? Vote for your favorite below in the comments.

Saturday Morning Cereal: The Best of the Internet This Week is a post from: Storyline Blog

One Thing Parents Can Do to Change Their Children’s Lives

It was one of those moments that moves in slow motion when you think back on it. My parents were sitting on the brown love seat in our living room. They turned off the TV and asked us to sit down. 

“We are sorry”, were the first words out of their mouth.

My eyes met my brother’s, and then we looked back at my mom and dad. They continued to explain they were sorry for holding such strong and legalistic views on alcohol. Their extreme views were unhealthy, they said, and were isolating them from people they cared about, including family members who weren’t Christians. 

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. 

I grew up in a pretty strict home.

I am talking tucked-in shirts, church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and the occasional Friday night revival service. If the church was open, we were there. My parents had a radical salvation experience in their late 20s—the kind of thing where your burn your records, and dump out all of your booze—and from that moment on (for the next 30 years) they were determined to live differently. 

*Photo Credit: flydime, Creative Commons

They did the best they could with what they knew, and I will never hold that against them. In fact, it’s what I most appreciate about them. But I think the fact that they came from such darkness made them want to hide from it, so they wouldn’t fall into it again. 

That apology meant a lot to me, for a couple of reasons.

1. It was so refreshing to hear my parents say they were wrong. As a kid, you don’t usually think of your parents being wrong. You just assume your parents always know what is best. Then, as you get older, and you begin to see the world through your own lens, you start to see some of the ways your upbringing left its mark on you. It was so refreshing to know my parents could see that too. 

It is embarrassing and painful to admit that you have done something wrong, especially when you know that it has caused someone else pain. 

It made me feel really cared for and valued by them. 

2. something really lasting happened on the couch that day—something that went beyond how I felt about my parents, and how my parents felt about alcohol. It was moment that changed the legacy of our family. 

My dad’s dad came from a line of men who abused alcohol. At an early age, my grandfather saw some of the same tendencies starting to creep into his life, so he stood on a bridge and threw all of his alcohol over the edge. 

He swore that he would change the legacy of our family to be one where a father could be trusted, not feared. 

I’m so thankful my grandpa made that kind of sacrifice for our family.

But on this day, also—the day when my dad made a seemingly opposite decision—my dad was doing something really similar. He was changing the culture of our family. He was telling us that being “right” at the expense of relationship was unacceptable; caring for people was so much more important. 

His humility would re-define what my family, and my brother’s family, would be about. 

In a way, he was challenging my brother and me to see our own character flaws (which was usually about judgement) and change the way we related with people, so that we could love them instead of fear them, so we didn’t have to see things in black and white for them to make sense. 

And I’m so thankful my dad did that. I want to run with that legacy he handed me for the rest of my life.

It’s easy to forget how much our upbringing does to shape the way we think and see the world. 

The hardest part about this is that our worldview was shaped by imperfect people, people who were trying the hardest they could, but inevitably made mistakes that cost us something. 

We have the choice to continue to walk out our lives the same old way, thinking that “this is just my personality”, or “this is just how I am”, but I think the conversation I had with my parents that day was a dare from my dad to see things differently. 

I think it was a dare to see that he could change, I could change—we could change.  

It makes me proud to be apart of a family that isn’t too proud to admit our short comings. In that we hold the power of changing not only ours, but the legacy of those coming behind us.

One Thing Parents Can Do to Change Their Children’s Lives is a post from: Storyline Blog

A Healthier Way to View Rejection

While shooting Blue Like Jazz we watched hours and hours of auditions. There are four major parts in the film, and many more minor roles. For each role, hundreds may have inquired, and dozens or more sat down to film a reading. I admit the process was fun.

Steve would send me his final list with links to the auditions, and I would chime in on the actors that best fit the parts. And I learned something invaluable about life while doing so. I learned that life is about finding the right role for you, and that being “rejected” for a part often has little to do with talent. I don’t remember seeing a single audition in which the actor or actress wasn’t exceptionally talented.

*Photo Credit: wmrice, Creative Commons

When we get rejected, either in a relationship or for a job or anything else, we can’t take it personally.

Life is about roles.

A person may reject you in a relationship for a reason that makes no sense to you. They may find you attractive and fun to be with, but the fact you just wouldn’t fit in their life may have more to do with a gut feeling that, over time, you’d have less and less to talk about, that the “dialogue” in the real life scenes just doesn’t come naturally. And who really knows why?

If we process not being picked as a rejection of our character, our looks or our overall compatibility, we are making a big mistake. (tweet this)

Processing the ups and downs of life this way can make us depressed, and the sad truth is, there are far fewer gratifying roles for those who go about self defeated.

There are also occasions we find ourselves having been “given a part” and after some time, don’t feel like it’s a fit.

This will happen in every relationship and in every job to some degree, and if we have committed for life, then we are there for life and not only need to make the best of it, but out of our will and humility should make it incredible. But if we are young and figuring out what we want to do with our lives, or who we are, there’s no shame in moving on to find the role that will fit us better.

There is a role for us, in work, in love, in life, and we just have to keep auditioning until we find the part we were designed to play. And that’s how a good relationship feels, doesn’t it? It feels like we found the part that was really us. Who wants to spend their life acting, anyway?

A Healthier Way to View Rejection is a post from: Storyline Blog

What It Really Means to Submit Yourself to God

The first time I felt frustrated with the concept of submitting myself to God was when I was choosing where to go to college. I knew it was a big decision—maybe the biggest decision I had made up to that point in my life—so I invested my whole self into it. I researched, applied, and finally heard good news from several schools.

“Okay, God,” I said. “Where should I go?”

Silence.

*Photo Credit: Oleh Slobodeniuk, Creative Commons

I waited and waited and waited to hear from him about what I should do next, but he never responded. I couldn’t figure out what his problem was. I didn’t want to make this decision on my own. I wanted to submit it to God (wasn’t that the right thing to do?). And yet here I had submitted it, and he was ignoring me.

Maybe he was just busy, I figured (it’s a hectic time helping all those high school graduates figure out where they’re going to go to college).

So, I picked the school with the best financial aid package, the nicest dorms, and where one of my friends was going. Maybe she had submitted her decision to Jesus, and I could just ride her coattails.

Choosing a college wasn’t the only time in my life I felt this tension when “submitting” myself, my life or a specific decision to God. I often felt this way when I was starting a new job, or quitting an old one. I felt like this when I was dating someone and I wasn’t sure if this was going to lead to marriage. Anytime there was a big decision to make, or a direction to turn—I always wanted to let “Jesus take the wheel.”

But strangely, he rarely did.

I stayed in one bad relationship for four years before I finally figured out God wasn’t going to end it for me. I would have to end it myself. I took half a dozen jobs that were a terrible fit for my skills, until I finally realized I was the one who had applied for this job, I was the one who had accepted it, and I was the one who stuck around, even when it wasn’t working out.

I had no one to blame but myself.

But what about submitting to God? If I truly “submitted” my life to God, wouldn’t I just spend my life waiting around? It sure felt like it.

Then, a few years ago, I started writing. And there were several things that were significant about that change in profession for me, but one of the least significant things actually became the most significant, when I discovered the meaning of the word submit. As a writer, I began to submit things to people all the time. And the word submit, in the writing profession, didn’t mean anything like I assumed it meant when it came to “submitting” to God.

When I submit a piece of writing to a magazine, or a publisher, I do tons of research first. I want to know what the publication is looking for, what kind of content matters to them, what their DNA is, what their audience is like. I come with a strong idea—one I’m fairly certain they’ll like (because I know them pretty well)—and I’ve spent hours and hours, not to mention sweat and tears, refining this idea to make it perfect.

I’ve labored over this piece of art, this article or book. I’ve poured my whole self into it.

I’ve spent days, weeks, even years sometimes on the couch, or in coffee shops, early in the morning, or late at night.

Then, I “submit” it to the editor or publisher and say, with as much confidence as I can muster, “this is the best I can do. I’ve given you everything I have. But I realize I might have missed some things. Will you help me make it better?” I give them full reign to open the document, to use a red pen. They make some changes (which are mandatory), and some suggestions (which are not).

Then, I take it back and get back to work.

The process of “submission” in the life of a writer is never over. We’re never done refining, working, making things better. We’re never done putting our art on the line.

And I’m not a Bible scholar, so I don’t know the greek translation for the word “submit” in the New Testament, but what if, as Christians, we looked at submission to God this way, rather than waiting for him to boss us around. What if labored over our lives, day and night, trying to make them beautiful? And then, when we felt like we were really onto something, we showed them to Him and said:

“This is the best I can do. I’ve given you everything I have. But I realize I might have missed some things.”

“Will you make it better?”

What It Really Means to Submit Yourself to God is a post from: Storyline Blog

Why Every Girl Longs for a Father’s Love

My twin daughters are two years old.

They love doing somersaults at gymnastics. Walking on the balance beam. Jumping in the foam pit. They love the zoo – the lumbering elephants and tall giraffes and howling monkeys. Rhinos scare them a little. They love home-made smoothies that Kari calls “Banana Drink.” (Pronounced ‘bo-nana dink’)

Their world is simple and joyful and beautiful and new. There are thousands of new colors, animals, words, sounds, sights, experiences. Life is a reoccurring discovery. Everyone is a friend.

*Photo Credit: rennes.i, Creative Commons

The best part of my day is getting home from work, walking in the door and having them scream and shriek and run to grab my legs. It doesn’t matter what kind of day I had, who criticized me, or what made life difficult.

To them, I am Papa – and being home is all that matters.

Being with them – holding, laughing, celebrating, comforting, loving – is what they need. This love is spiritual, it is physical, biochemical and emotional. It is as critical as food – as they are learning who they are, and how the world relates to them. At the center of their world is one they call Papa.

Every little girl is born with the longing to be daddy’s little girl. (tweet this)

Daddy is the first man to whom she gives and receives love. Daddy is the man who shapes her worth and identity. She wishes for his undivided attention, dreams of being his shining princess. (Fatherless Generation, 52) 

Unfortunately, many dads are not around.

Fatherlessness wilts the dream of being daddy’s little girl. I see this every day at The Mentoring Project, all over the place. This past December, I was in one school in Florida that had over 90 pregnant teens. According to the Principal, nearly all of these girls were fatherless. I wrote a short poem for these rejected girls called Wilted: 

“Fields of wilted flowers, on broken stems. Hanging, dangling, waiting for the sun to come, for anyone. But he is gone, gone far beyond return.”

I cannot imagine leaving my girls to wilt. Accidents and tragedies do happen – sometimes a father or parent is lost. But I cannot imagine turning my back on them, walking out the door of their lives forever, leaving them hungry and starving for the sun. 

Girls need their fathers.

This is why, every Valentines Day, I have a Daddy-Daughter Dance. It’s only once a year, but it is a special little celebration that I love as much as they do.

This is what it looks like for me:

1. Dad drives to the boutique children’s store.


2. Dad wanders around and looks really awkward – it doesn’t help that I’m the only man in the store. And I’m wearing Carhartts.
 

3. Dad manages to pick out two dresses and hair bows. They match. Sort of.


4. Dad swings by the florist on the way home to buy each girl a pink rose.

This year, we opened and put on the dresses and played music – Josh Garrels to be exact. The girls like to listen to “Pilot Me,” over and over again. We danced in a circle for about half a song, then the girls made for the trampoline. The rest of the night was a mixture of dance-jump, hand holding, falling and laughing.

I wasn’t sure what the moment was supposed to feel like.

Maybe two little girls would rest their heads on my shoulders as I held them. But this year was more like a wild romp. I was happy to oblige.

 

It’s hard to know what these moments mean to them. I hope they feel love from me, deeper than the dreamy love heard on the radio, or the flighty love seen on romantic comedies. I pray my love changes and grows them into women who are secure in their value and worth, women who can also rest in their identity as Beloved, loved by One who loves more deeply and perfectly than I ever will. 

Why Every Girl Longs for a Father’s Love is a post from: Storyline Blog

Five Principles of Civil Dialogue

Back when I was hanging out at Reed College, I was pleased to be in an environment where truth mattered more than ego, or rather where people didn’t associate their identity with their ideas. What I mean is, finding truth was more important than being right. And because finding truth was more important than being right, students were able to learn.

At Reed, discussing a philosophical or even scientific idea around a conference table did not look like a debate. Rather, it looked like a group of students attempting to put together a jig-saw puzzle. If a piece didn’t happen to fit, that was par for the course. You simply set it aside and worked together to make progress.

*photo credit: liza31337, Creative Commons

When we begin to associate our ideas with our identities (I am good because I am right) we lose the ability to be objective. And rather than learning to learn, we simply learn to defend.

To be certain, there are basic truths we must defend, but we don’t defend these ideas from our egos.

Dr. Henry Cloud says that truth must go hand in hand with grace in order to be effective. There must be truth, but there must also be acceptance, regardless of whether somebody disagrees. This methodology frees the person to make an objective decision. When we become angry or condescending we take the truth and wrap it in a toxic-candy shell and get frustrated when people don’t like it. Truth wrapped in grace is more easily digested.

So my question is, do you take it personally when somebody disagrees with you? Here are some things I try to remember when engaging in a conversation in which there are differing opinions:

1. Truth is not My Truth, it’s Just Truth:

My ideas were not really my invention. Even if I was the first person to consider an idea, it’s still something I stumbled upon. I shouldn’t take it personally when somebody doesn’t agree. They aren’t rejecting me, they are rejecting an idea.

2. Methodology is Part of the Message:

When I get defensive and then condescending, what I associate my ideas with an offensive subtext, and that association is very strong to the hearer. Imagine having a conversation with somebody who has terrible breath, standing there and smelling their putrid hot air as they talk. It’s the same with your attitude toward somebody when you’re discussing an idea.

3. Without a Loving Heart, I am Like a Clanging Cymbal:

If I don’t genuinely care about the people I’m talking to, I’ll be received like a guy standing there clanging cymbals together. The Bible makes a strong connection between a persons heart and their tongue. We tend to think we talk with our tongues alone, but the Bible says we talk with our tongues and our hearts. Corinthians 13: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

4. The Other Person has Sovereignty:

Even if I think the other person is completely wrong, they have a right to their beliefs. I can simply state what I believe and do so in kindness and that’s really it. If I’m trying to bully somebody into my way of seeing things, I’m not respecting the sovereignty of the person I am talking with.

5. I Could be Wrong:

What we most want from the person we are talking to is for them to see things from our perspective and agree. That being said, though, are you willing to see things from their perspective? If not, try listening to their perspective then repeating it back to them. Ask them if you got it right, and if you did, say you will think about it. Then present your idea, too, and ask them if they understand your position. To be honest, they may not be as open as you, but once the conversation is over, I assure you they will have a new respect for you, and believe me, they will consider your ideas more respectfully. And besides, the truth is they could be right.

Five Principles of Civil Dialogue is a post from: Storyline Blog

Sunday Morning Sermon — The Simplest Stories Are the Most Profound

One of the reasons I love stories are they take complex ideas and make them easy to understand.

I think that is why cartoons and children’s stories have been so powerful for so long. They take the complexities of life and communicate them in the way an eight year old can understand them.

Think about it. Some of the most powerful stories that have transcended generations are nothing more than stories meant for youth.

Aesop’s Fables.

The Chronicles of Narnia.

Dr. Seuss.

The list could go on and on.

I wonder if, as we grow up, we complicate life more than we need to. Some of the people who have had the most profound impact on my life have been the type of people who have made choices to see the world as a simple place. I think the same is probably true for you as well.

Today I am going to show you a short film from some talented guys in Kansas City. Without words, this video comments on the complexities of our lives.

It makes me wonder if we could live our lives with more simplicity.

Dried Up from Cecil on Vimeo.

Sunday Morning Sermon — The Simplest Stories Are the Most Profound is a post from: Storyline Blog