Donald Miller's Blog, page 73

Why I Don’t Go to Church Very Often, a Follow Up Blog

Monday I wrote about why I don’t attend church regularly. I was naive to open such a sensitive conversation without expecting a backlash and was taken aback at the response. Many people thought the blog was saying people shouldn’t go to church or that I had something against church. None of that is true. And yet, most of the influential Christian leaders I know (who are not pastors) do not attend church. Perhaps it’s something we should talk about in an open, safe environment. All I can offer is my perspective, which I do not offer as an answer, only a contribution to a discussion.

On that note, one caveat: I can only give camera angles on the issue because that’s how I think. I tend to see things from multiple angles and am comfortable not choosing “the right opinion” because I’m not convinced the right opinion is even on the table or that there is one in the first place. Many opinions can be right. Binary thinking causes more false dichotomies than true answers or helpful discussions, so I’ll avoid them as best I can.

This blog will likely be misquoted, mischaracterized and parsed in an effort to demonize. This happens when anybody puts their thoughts out there on any subject. It’s expected. But I’m hoping something more happens. I’m hoping, for some, it contributes to unity. We are not that different.

So as you read thoughts that are may seem foreign, please understand my intent is not to judge or pose threat. As Ravi Zacharias often prays, let there be more light than heat.

*Photo Credit: Oleh Slobodeniuk, Creative Commons

Camera angles on church, why many people don’t go, pushback to the blog and an increasing cultural inability for nuanced thought:

1. I WAS MOVED BY READER SENSITIVITY

Reading the comments from Monday’s blog let me know how far my personal spiritual journey has taken me from modern evangelicalism. Theologically, I find myself in the evangelical camp in many ways, but as for the “one way to do life and church” I’ve gone a different path. And I’m hardly alone. While I love the traditional church, I love it like a foundational part of my past, as though it were a University I’ve graduated from to join a much larger church those still in the University program are quite suspicious of. (More on church as school later)

For many, though, the church is where people find spiritual security through communion with both God and a local tribe. People love their churches, their pastors and their community. Some people believe church is the main place we worship God, that it’s superior and more sacred than worshipping with their family or friends or through other outlets such as work or daily life. My faith and intimacy with God has grown as I’ve evolved in my understanding of church, and as I said, many find that threatening. And yet, in the comments, even the heated ones, it was beautiful to see a group of people love something so much. The passion moved me as much as it frustrated me.

2. FEELINGS ARE NOT VALID?

A response I kept seeing on twitter and in the comments was that my blog was all about feelings. It wasn’t. It was actually about learning styles. I used the word “feel” a couple times and it was pounced on like a fumbled football. And yet I kept asking myself “why do these people have a problem with feelings or the concept of feelings?”

Feelings are, essentially, thoughts. They don’t come from the heart, they come from the brain. Both thoughts and feeling are chemical and electrical functions of the brain. It’s true they are different, but one is not a lie while the other is true. The reality is, neither is trustworthy without verification and consideration.

The distinction, however, that feelings are lesser trustworthy experiences is a false dichotomy. Certainly you can’t do math with feelings, but you can’t love with math. Is math an invention of God while love a worldly experience? Did God create your mind to be a calculator and Satan stuck some feelings into the mix?

The Bible itself includes a large amount of art and history and comparably few rational essays, so the evangelical tendency to dismiss “feelings” is confusing. Add to this “rational thought” can also be misleading. Both Richard Dawkins and C.S. Lewis arrived at their different positions by taking trails of thought. Both consider themselves rational and grounded in foundational philosophical principals, but they ended up in different intellectual places. Why then do modern evangelicals elevate thought as though it is the only path to truth? And why dismiss feelings as though they are weak or lesser than? Shouldn’t the issue be given a more nuanced treatment?

Add to this yet another conundrum, and that’s the myth any of us are objective thinkers in the first place. Research indicates we are given to tribal thinking and confirmation bias and defend those “feelings” with rational justifications we most often mistake for a linear line of thought, as though we are objective. We are not objective. Mark Driscoll, Tim Keller, Richard Dawkins, Bill Nye and Ken Hamm are not completely objective thinkers. They are given to tribal thinking and confirmation bias. Find me a theological rant of any stripe and I’ll show you a “thinker” using rational thought to defend the presuppositions of a tribe, likely in an effort to gain security or from a fear something is being taken away, in other words, rational thought fueled by feelings.

Before we get too irate and have a trigger reaction against the idea feelings are actually valid if verified and tested, we should consider new revelations in brain science, learning-style revelations and basic psychology. What about intuition, what about the whole brain? What about Daniel Goleman’s work on emotional intelligence? What about Sir Ken Robinson’s work on education reform? What about Jung’s early work on personality theory and motives? And even Malcolm Gladwell’s work on thinking without thinking? When evangelicals attack “feelings” they’re discrediting thinkers and researchers more knowledgeable than they on how the brain actually works.

The attack on feelings works great to sway young seminarians who like to label liberal theologians, but in the end, it’s a limited and narrow perspective.

The point, though, is this: Feelings matter. You can’t build a house on them, but they guide, shape, validate and work with rational thought to shape who we are and how we do life. When Jesus interacted with people, He cared about how they felt. And He was not weak or weird for doing so. He’s the one who made those silly little “feelings” in the first place. How odd, then, His own children would dismiss them as irrelevant.

3. CHURCH ISN’T ABOUT YOU, IT’S ABOUT GOD?

It’s a nice cliche and has some basis in scripture, but while the thought makes a great tweet, it should be parsed in a more nuanced way. Many people seemed to want me to attend church out of a sense of duty or responsibility. These were the comments I received that were most traced with guilt and shame, interestingly.

Certainly we have a duty and responsibility in many areas of life, including church, but God has no problem with us enjoying Him, each other, nature and for that matter a worship experience. And if we don’t enjoy a specific kind of worship experience, He could care less whether we go choose one we enjoy more. David danced naked, not out of responsibility, but because he went temporarily pleasure-go-nuts with emotion. He liked it. He was wired to like it. His son worshipped God as a philosopher, playwright and architect. Everybody worships differently. The church offers music. And lets face it, most of them offer the same music. Jesus isn’t crying Himself to sleep at night because somebody wants to worship Him by planting a garden more than singing a song.

But this is a much larger issue. The subtext of these comments seemed to insinuate that God wants us to suffer for Him. But not suffer by reaching the poor or by being outcast, suffer, literally, by standing in a church service singing songs you don’t find catchy. Really?

The subtext of these comments reminded me of an elderly Catholic woman I watched in Mexico City, crawling on her bloody knees to the Metropolitan Cathedral. She’d crawled for nearly twelve miles. She was in her eighties. She wanted to suffer for Jesus. Her family followed her, wiping her brow and offering her water. It was moving to see. But in my opinion, entirely unnecessary and perhaps the stuff of bad theology. I applaud the devotion, but I don’t admire it. I don’t think when Jesus told us to take up our cross, he was talking about self mutilation.

The point is this: God has no problem with you having pleasure enjoying Him, and when we don’t through a specific methodology, He has no problem with us switching things around so we do. He’s not calling us to be sanctified through dutiful boredom.

4. WE MUST ATTEND A CHURCH SERVICE TO BE IMPACTFUL FOR GOD?

I’d say half of the most impactful people I know, who love Jesus and tear up at the mention of His name, who reach out to the poor and lonely and are fundamentally sound in their theology, who create institutions that feed hundreds of thousands, do not attend a traditional church service. Many of them even speak at churches, but they have no home church and don’t long for one. They aren’t wired to be intimate with God by attending a lecture and hearing singing (which there is NOTHING wrong with) they are wired to experience God by working with Him.

That said, they also have no opinion about church, don’t talk about it and are too busy with enjoying the global, non-arguing, non-tribal community that they consider to be the church to worry about what people think.

That said, they wisely keep their mouths closed on the issue where I went and talked about. Serves me right.

The point, though, is this: Jesus engages people inside and outside the church. It’s almost as though He sees the church as one, without walls, denominations or tribes. I’m starting to see the church that way, too.

5. NO CHURCH MEANS NO COMMUNITY?

These comments also surprised me. It was as though people thought because I hadn’t been to church in years, I had no community, that I lived in isolation. This is untrue. My community is rich, deep, spiritually sound, gracious, sacrificial and at times (because I’m an introvert) exhausting.

What I hadn’t realized before I read those comments, though, was that I had worked to create my community.Community is everywhere, and every church you’ve attended was a community that somebody sat down and created. I happen to think a lot of them look exactly the same and have no problem making mine look different, but it’s still a community. Millions of people who do not attend church have rich, meaningful communities that they created or have joined. You could create your own community out of your home in a matter of months.

6. YOU ARE EITHER WITH US OR AGAINST US

This was perhaps the most surprising response. Because I said I’d not been to church regularly in years, people supposed I had something against the church. But I didn’t and I don’t. In fact, since I left, any issues I’ve had with the church have gone away. I have nothing but kind feelings for the church and consider myself, in a strange way, part of it. Or at least I believe Jesus sees me as part of the church, part of His Bride.

But again, there’s a subtext here, and I think it involves insecurities. It’s a common human issue: If they aren’t like us, they are threatening. But I promise, Christians who do not attend church are no different than you. They are kind, they struggle, they are gracious, they are judgmental and they are trying to connect with Jesus sometimes and sometimes not. But for the most part, they aren’t against the church.

Tribal thinking often causes a great deal of harm. We think people who don’t agree with us are likely lesser people because what is foreign often feels threatening. But that’s hardly true. People are people. Some of them do bad things both inside and outside the church. I’m convinced the distrust we feel at the foreign is a divisive and deceptive thought pattern meant to cause harm.

Imagine the relationships people lose out on, the incredible life memories, the healing and community they aren’t involved in because they can’t engage or have community with people who do not agree with them theologically. I’ve no interest. People are either kind or mean. I choose kind ones, I don’t care what they believe. This is part of why I feel like my community is so healthy.

7. DO YOU ATTEND A TRADITIONAL BIBLICAL CHURCH?

Your church likely looks nothing like the church in the book of Acts, which, was not much of a prescription on how to do church anyway. There are some marching orders in the book, but there aren’t many. Mostly those direct instructions are about choosing elders and deacons and dividing up each others money so that it’s shared. But that’s mostly it.

The modern traditional church sticks to the part about the elders, very loosely nods towards the financial stuff, but is basically a large school system. The modern evangelical church is an adaptation of an ancient institution led by scholars after the invention of the printing press. It is also an evolution of a government-run institution dating back centuries. And it continues to evolve today into something else.

Unless you are Shane Claiborne, your church probably doesn’t look anything like the church in the book of Acts, so lets not get self righteous.

As a side note, many thinkers in America credit the growth of the American church with supply and demand principals. They say the reason the church in England is struggling is because it was so influenced by the government it didn’t adapt with culture, where in America churches had to compete with each other and so adapted, evolved, grew in style, shared best practices at conferences and adopted marketing and branding strategies they learned from business leaders.

The church in America, in other words, is a product of a school-like system mingled with best business practices and is quickly moving toward entertainment-like institutions. And to be honest, that amazing adaptation and evolution has worked fantastically. I think it’s great. These practices reach tons of people who want Jesus, community and wisdom from an ancient trustworthy text. That said, to say traditional church is Biblical is a stretch because of two false presuppositions.

Those two false presuppositions are:

1. The Bible has specific, robust and complete instructions on building and running a church community. It doesn’t. As I said earlier, the book of Acts has a few marching orders, but as a writer I assure you, that’s not the authors intent in that book. It’s a history of the early church and an encouragement for us.

2. The church you are attending is a Biblical church. If you mean it’s a church that is centered around Jesus and takes the eucharist, perhaps. But, again, your church likely doesn’t look like the church in Acts. And I think that’s fine. God wanted the orthodox theology to stay the same, but the church can, should and has evolved in style, language, customs and so forth.

It’s a hard thing for some people to get their heads around, but God shares agency with us in creating the church and we get to use our creativity and heart and passion to incorporate these loose instructions. Actually, big business could learn a thing or two from churches. And so could education reformers. Because of the passion pastors have for the gospel, their willingness to share best practices and the economic competition they face with neighboring churches, they often adapt faster than business. When I was a kid, our church looked like a school mixed with an anglican-style high church.

Today, many churches look like night clubs complete with pastors being piped in on video. It’s quite brilliant and I’ve no problem with it, it’s just not my thing. I don’t like night clubs. And I don’t like lectures and I don’t emote to worship music. And I still love Jesus. It’s shocking, but it’s true. That said, lets stop using the word “Biblical” as some sort of ace card when it comes to how church should be done.

8. JESUS DOESN’T HAVE POWER OUTSIDE THE CHURCH?

One twitter comment said by leaving the church I was committing spiritual suicide. I read that comment to a friend (a nationally known, strong Christian leader who does not attend church but doesn’t talk about it) and both of us were taken aback.

Do people really believe there’s no spiritual life, no walk with Jesus, no community and no love outside a Sunday morning worship service? For those who’ve never taken a break from church, this will be a hard one. But I assure you, He’s alive and well and happy and working both inside and outside the traditional church. He’s going places many of us are unwilling to go, or perhaps scared to go. He exists outside our worldly tribes, even if those worldly tribes are labeled as a local church.

I’ll tell you a story, and this one may seem crazy to some, but I promise it’s true. A few years ago I was interviewing a prominent world leader. Can’t tell you who, but every person reading this knows who he is. We were two hours into a conversation about leadership and he asked me to turn off my recorder. I did. Then he began describing a kind of knowing he had in his spirit. He knew he was supposed to help people, especially the poor, those who are true victims. I said I thought that was great. But then he asked me, he said Don, I don’t believe in God, I walked away from the Catholic church when I was a young man. But I can’t explain that feeling. It’s like God is talking to me. He’s wanting me to go reach these people. I’m confused a bit.

For me, that was an intense paradigm shift in my faith. I believe he was hearing from Jesus. I just don’t think he knew it or had a category for that kind of reality. And as I continued to interact with traditional evangelicals, I realized they would have no category for that man either. Potentially, he can help millions of people (and since then, has) but evangelicals wouldn’t be able to understand that Jesus was partnering with him unless he agreed with their foundational theological positions and perhaps even attended their kind of church (of which, in the Christian tradition, there are 360,000 different kinds).

So what do we do with a man who is interacting with Jesus and doesn’t know it? Here’s what I did with it: I decided I didn’t fully know what Jesus was doing, that much of His involvement with the world was a mystery, and He was going to reach out to the poor both through, and outside the church. Quite a paradox. And most evangelicals are uncomfortable with paradox.

9. THE CHURCH CAN’T ADAPT BEYOND A LECTURE/WORSHIP SYSTEM

I do think church can evolve beyond a lecture/worship/performance institution, but the current leadership is unlikely to make that happen. When and if the church evolves, it will evolve from outside the current leadership and that evolution will pose a threat to existing tribal values as well as financial systems that are sustained by the current model. In other words, the church will be reluctant to change because things that are foreign are perceived as bad and we’ve got to keep doing it this way for job security.

The reality is, though, there can be entire avenues of church (within existing institutions) that explore all the ways God has created the brain to work, in other words, all of His children, not just those who best respond to traditional services. There can be art tracks, work tracks, business mentoring programs, community gardens and so on. In other words, the person of Jesus can be brought into every facet of the life He Himself created.

If we are honest, and look at the whole situation objectively, the greatest resistance will come from an unseen but largely inarguable hurdle: job security.

The lecture/worship system is the most efficient program to get the most people through a church experience over a given weekend. It’s an unbelievably smart business model. A staff of 50 or so can reach thousands at once, give them a brief experience, send them off into community groups and so forth and sustain church activity while still collecting offerings. Few consider that church has evolved to look as it does for financial reasons, but this is likely the first thing a truly objective thinker would notice. Current church programs involving a short lecture and worship is an astoundingly efficient financial model, and so it will be reluctant to change.

Please don’t misunderstand me. What I did not say is that pastors are in it for the money. I’ve met very few pastors who didn’t have the skill set to make much more money in the business world. Most of them are in it for the ministry, I’m convinced. The point was to sustain a church budget, the current worship experience is the most efficient model.

Neither am I arguing the current model should change. Millions are fed weekly through these kinds of programs. What I’m arguing is that nobody should be faulted for creating something different. Those who would argue “we shouldn’t simply create the church in our own image” forget it already has been created in our own image. First the image of the royal government then the image of the university or school and then big business and now moving toward the entertainment industry. The church has always been recreated in the image of the dominant institution in society. For the early church, that was the family. For our culture, it’s business and education and entertainment.

In fact, I’d argue that by making the church smaller, less formal, less organized, less institutionalized and more like the chaos of a family structure, the church would be moving MORE toward the historical church in ACTS and less like a culture-formed institution by deconstructing itself. Though I hardly consider that a God-given decree. Again, I believe we can make it what we want (within God-given parameters) and share agency with God in positively impacting the world.

So that’s about it as for camera angels. For any offense I’ve caused, I ask forgiveness. You are more important to me than this discussion and I’ll likely not talk about it again for a long time.

The final issue for me is control. I can’t control you, you can’t control me, and none of us are going to control Jesus. He’s going to do what He wants, and what He wants is to love the world through us, both inside and outside the church.

Why I Don’t Go to Church Very Often, a Follow Up Blog is a post from: Storyline Blog

I Was A Manipulator (Here’s How I Stopped)

For most of my life, I had a hard time telling the truth. 

It’s ironic because my name (Allison) means “little truthful one” but truth just never came that easily to me. Instead, my imagination would run wild with fascinating details and exaggerated facts that always seemed more interesting to me than the real ones. By the time I was in high school my parents would jokingly say they should have thought of a name that meant “little bender-of-the-truth”. 

I tried to make a joke of it, to keep it lighthearted and fun. I insisted this is what made me a great storyteller. I even heard a pastor say once: “Stretch the story, give God the glory!” (He was joking, I wasn’t) and I clung to that.  

But it didn’t take long to realize this tendency was going to have a huge strain on my relationships.

So, I tried to stop. 

For a long time, I thought I had stopped. I would catch myself every once and awhile saying something that wasn’t true, and I would go back and correct my statement. A friend once compliment the highlights in my hair, and for some reason I was too embarrassed to admit I had been to a salon earlier that day. So I said, “Oh, it must have just been the sun.” 

*Photo Credit: j0sh, Creative Commons

I could see pretty clearly on his face he didn’t buy my excuse, but I let it go for about three hours, until I texted him to admit what I’d done. 

I couldn’t figure it out. Why was I lying like this? 

The final breaking point came when I was dating my husband long distance. One day, during one of our morning phone conversations, he asked what I was planning to do that day, and for some reason, I completely lied. I told him I was spending the afternoon with one of my girl friends, but really I was meeting up with an ex-boyfriend who was still a friend of mine. 

I really didn’t have anything to hide when it came to this guy, but I guess I was worried my then-boyfriend read more into than was necessary, so I just hid the truth. 

And, for a few weeks, I got away with it.

Then, my husband (who was only my boyfriend at the time) found out, and of course, he was upset. He couldn’t understand why I had lied to him. If I didn’t have anything to hide, the dishonesty sure made it seem like I did. On top of that, if l lied on this occasion, how was he supposed to know I had been truthful about everything else? How did he know I wouldn’t lie to him again? 

This was no small deal. 

We had been talking about getting married, but he made it clear that lying was a deal-breaker for him. 

We spent hours hashing through the issue. I tried to explain why I had done what I did, although I didn’t really understand it myself. He asked a hundred questions, trying to get to the bottom of things and make sure I wasn’t lying about other stuff. The whole thing was awful. Truly, one of the worst days of my life.  

Then, we struck gold.

Suddenly, as we were going over (and over and over) the turn of events, I realized: I didn’t have a lying problem. I had a manipulation problem. 

I wasn’t lying to cover up something I didn’t want him to know. I was lying to manipulate him to respond to me in a certain way (I didn’t want him to be jealous or angry). So the thing I needed to do to quit lying wasn’t to stop giving false details necessarily, but to come to grips with the fact that it wasn’t possible, or even necessary, for me to control how someone else felt, thought, acted or responded. 

It simply wasn’t my job. 

That realization was life-changing for me.

It didn’t just help me overcome my bad habit of lying, it relieved my anxiety, lightened my emotional load and gave me the freedom to honestly express myself to others.

It simply wasn’t my responsibility to control other people or their reactions to me. (tweet this)

Manipulating their fear, anger, jealousy or compassion wasn’t just an affront to them, it was incredibly unnerving for me. 

In fact, in comparison to the task of “quit lying,” “quit manipulating” actually seemed easy. 

It was a huge weight off my shoulders.  

These days, honesty comes much more naturally to me. But when I feel the urge to bend the truth a little bit, I try to remind myself I’m not responsible to control the response of others. As Dr. Henry Cloud says, I can care for the hurt, anger and fear of others without taking care of it. 

I Was A Manipulator (Here’s How I Stopped)  is a post from: Storyline Blog

I Don’t Worship God by Singing. I Connect With Him Elsewhere.

I’ve a confession. I don’t connect with God by singing to Him. Not at all.

I know I’m nearly alone in this but it’s true. I was finally able to admit this recently when I attended a church service that had, perhaps, the most talented worship team I’ve ever heard. I loved the music. But I loved it more for the music than the worship. As far as connecting with God goes, I wasn’t feeling much of anything.

I used to feel guilty about this but to be honest, I experience an intimacy with God I consider strong and healthy.

It’s just that I don’t experience that intimacy in a traditional worship service. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of sermons I actually remember. So to be brutally honest, I don’t learn much about God hearing a sermon and I don’t connect with him by singing songs to him. So, like most men, a traditional church service can be somewhat long and difficult to get through.

*Photo Credit: Oleh Slobodeniuk, Creative Commons

I’m fine with this, though. I’ve studied psychology and education reform long enough to know a traditional lecture isn’t for everybody. There’s an entire demographic of people who have to learn by doing, not by hearing. So you can lecture to them all day and they’re simply not going to get it.

Research suggest there are three learning styles, auditory (hearing) visual (seeing) and kinesthetic (doing) and I’m a kinesthetic learner. Of course churches have all kinds of ways for you to engage God including many kinesthetic opportunities including mission trips and so forth, but if you want to attend a “service” every Sunday, you best be an auditory learner. There’s not much out there for kinesthetic or visual learners.

Interestingly, I learn a great deal by teaching, which is interesting to me.

I learn by doing the very thing I don’t learn by hearing! My guess is because teaching is a kinesthetic discipline rather than an auditory discipline. But that’s a side note. Here’s the real question:

How do I find intimacy with God if not through a traditional church model?

The answer came to me recently and it was a freeing revelation. I connect with God by working. I literally feel an intimacy with God when I build my company. I know it sounds crazy, but I believe God gave me my mission and my team and I feel closest to him when I’ve got my hand on the plow. It’s thrilling and I couldn’t be more grateful he’s given me an outlet through which I can both serve and connect with him.

My friend Bob Goff says when we study somebody without getting to know them, it’s called stalking. Bob says Jesus is getting creeped out that we keep stalking him. He’d like us to bond with him in the doing.

So, do I attend church? Not often, to be honest.

Like I said, it’s not how I learn.

But I also believe the church is all around us, not to be confined by a specific tribe. (tweet this)

I’m fine with where I’ve landed and finally experiencing some forward momentum in my faith. I worship God every day through my work. It’s a blast.

So are you an auditory, visual or kinesthetic learner? And if visual or kinesthetic, how do you connect with God?

I Don’t Worship God by Singing. I Connect With Him Elsewhere. is a post from: Storyline Blog

Sunday Morning Sermon — The Last Day of Your Life

What if today was the last day you had to live? How would you live your life differently?

Asking these type of questions can help us clarify our lives, and find deeper meaning in our everyday life.

This is what happened for Ric Elias. His plane nearly crashed, but after Capt. Sully Sullenberger successfully landed flight 1549 in the Hudson River on in 2009, he walked away with more than just his life. He walked away with a new understanding of what it means to really live.

He shared three important life lessons in this TED talk. If you were in his situation how would you live your life differently?

Sunday Morning Sermon — The Last Day of Your Life is a post from: Storyline Blog

The Best Viral Videos We Found This Week

Last week, the Derrick Coleman, Duracell video won the majority vote. What about this week? Vote for your favorite below in the comments.

The Best Viral Videos We Found This Week is a post from: Storyline Blog

The Secret to Deep Relationships

Everyone wants to have great relationships. This desire to be deeply connected to other people transcends the typical societal divides of class, culture, and status. On a recent trip overseas I was pondering what a great relationship looks like.

I took the trip with a good friend. We have known each other since we were kids navigating puberty and middle school lockers, and we have remained fairly close over the years. He was in my wedding and I was in his. We visited each other in graduate school and welcomed each other’s kids into the world. During our trip, we were reunited with other friends from our youth and we all belly laughed late into the night recounting tales of the past.

What I noticed is that our conversations were the opposite of Facebook.

I have heard it said that Facebook is like a highlight reel of how we want to be seen by others – people post about the fun times, interesting events, and accomplishments. I am no different. I have shared cute photos of our toddler and none of him throwing fits or refusing to eat his vegetables. That is the nature of social media – but it is not the nature of deep connections.

*Photo Credit: wwarby, Creative Commons

During the trip our conversations were the exact opposite. They ranged from girlfriends leaving us broken hearted to episodes of public embarrassment. I did not need to hear the humiliating story about getting body slammed by a State Campion wrestler into a boxing ring filled with chocolate pudding while the entire student body laughed at me . . . but my friends could not resist reliving the side-splitting moment. I was once again mocked for how my voice cracked while leading a group in a song and for not getting into my college of choice. I, of course, shared plenty of stories too.

It wasn’t all embarrassing moments.

We recalled our misadventures with legalism during the early years of learning about God. We remembered shedding tears as adults when dealing with painful betrayal, unmet expectations, and parenting challenges. We never discussed our good grades, professional successes, or awards we have won. In a serious moment, my friend smiled and said, “We have weathered life together.”

I think great friendships arise through more than a series of good interactions. (tweet this)

What really built our friendship were the difficult and painful times.

We were with each other when things were not going well and when we made big mistakes. In a sense, our friendship was forged in the fire of trials as well as in the joy of successes… and that is the secret.

It may seem counter intuitive that successful relationships are more about being authentic than having it all together. Intimacy comes more quickly when we move beyond relational polish into the reality of life. Not every relationship is meant to be deep or long lasting, but more should be. Let pretence fall away and authenticity rise up as we move into deeper relationships. Let’s weather life together.

The Secret to Deep Relationships is a post from: Storyline Blog

How to Change a Negative Character Trait

Years ago I read a little psychology book by Don Riso and Russ Hudson about personality types, a topic I geek out on, to be honest.

The book talked about the character faults of different personalities, and as I read my own, I became a bit dismayed. I wondered how I could change negative characteristics that seemed to be interwoven in my DNA. How would I change who I seemed to be in my core?

There are spiritual answers to this question, of course, but I am talking about something more practical. I’m talking about how we stop feeling jealous or talking too much or giving in to self pity.

I was greatly helped by a short piece of advice at the end of the book.

The authors hardly focused on the advice, almost mentioning it in passing, but I may have gotten more from that single mention than anything else in the book.

If you grew up in a home or faith tradition that made you feel guilty all the time, did it work? Did you change? And what do we do with truths from scripture that tell us there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ? Does this only apply to our redemption, or to our path of sanctification also?

*Photo-Credit: Oleh Slobodeniuk, Creative Commons

According to Riso and Hudson, people don’t change by beating themselves up or condemning themselves.The key, rather, is to simply acknowledge what we are doing and and why, then move on without self judgement. In addition, the psychologist said to not even attempt to change. And it turns out their method works.

In my own life, this comes in moments when I find myself angry or selfish and I simply say to myself, “Hey, you’re doing that thing where you get jealous.” In other times, I will feel like people don’t like me, I won’t want to go to a party or something and I’ll say to myself “Hey, you’re doing that thing where you identify as a marginalized person because it makes you feel special.”

The trick is to make these simple, objective statements without condemnation or judgment. Awareness is everything. And slowly, these character faults within us begin to change.

Have you tried Riso and Hudsons method? What characteristics in you would you like to change? Is it even possible not to judge yourself?

How to Change a Negative Character Trait is a post from: Storyline Blog

A New Way to Think About Money That Can Make Us All Rich

I was wandering along a beachfront in Florida, admiring a beautiful plant I had never seen before, when I first realized I had a skewed view of resources.

That sounds like a strange place to have that realization, it really isn’t.

Let me explain.

We had only been living in South Florida for a few months, but it only took a few months to realize this was one of the most wealthy places in the country—and people weren’t afraid to flaunt it. Everywhere we went, we saw luxury vehicles and fancy shoes and five-carat wedding rings and the end-result of plastic surgeries.

There were boats and boat houses and yachts with their own Wikipedia pages. There were houses the size of hotels, and other houses so big they made the hotel houses look like shacks.

In some ways, of course, this wild display of wealth was a little disconcerting for me. But at the same time, it was eye-opening.

I couldn’t believe there was this much wealth in the world.

I had never considered that this overflow of resources even existed. And the way I saw it was, if there were people who could afford multimillion dollar vacation homes (sometimes second vacation homes, or third, or fourth) surely there were enough resources to feed people who were starving, and clothe those who were homeless.

*Photo Credit: @mist3ry30, Creative Commons

So for me, seeing the wealth didn’t seem completely depressing. It actually seemed very hopeful.

This was the first shift in how I thought about money.

I thought: resources are much less limited than I ever imagined. There is plenty to go around.

This shift was very important for me, because it made me realize we weren’t all competing to get a small part of a fixed pie. In fact, we didn’t need to compete at all. Instead of feeling like a starving child at a dinner table, mad at everyone else who had a bigger portion than me, or guilty about having the portion I had, I just kept thinking, over and over: there is plenty to go around.

Which brings me to the day on the beach with the beautiful flower.

Because although I’d experienced this shift in perspective about money, something still didn’t feel right to me. I mean, there were abundant resources in the world, but people actually were still starving and homeless. And although I knew I was “rich” from a certain standpoint, being around this much wealth always made me feel like I was falling behind.

No matter how much I made, how much I put away—it never felt like there was enough.

So what was the disconnect?

And so, as I wandered down the beach that day and I stumbled on this beautiful plant, I realized my instinct was to pluck one of the blossoms and put it behind my ear. It was so beautiful, couldn’t resist. But as I reached out, I thought to myself: If I take this flower now, the next person walking down the beach won’t be able to enjoy it.

And in case that sounds like a really noble thought, the next though I had wasn’t so noble. It basically went like this: so what?

“It’s not the same,” I argued with myself. “Admiring this beautiful flower on the beach is not the same as taking it back to my house.” I already had the vase in mind I was going to use when I displayed this flower prominently on my kitchen table. That’s when the rational side of me spoke up again. “Yes, but if you pluck this flower from the bush, it will die in a few hours.”

And that’s when the second shift in my thinking about money came into being.

I realized that, most of the time, I feel like I have to own something—to hoard it and keep it for myself—in order to enjoy its beauty. It has to be mine. A new pair of shoes, a beautiful car, even the talent or ability of a friend. Whoever claims it, whoever owns it is the rich one. Everyone else is poor.

This is where name-dropping comes from and shopping addictions and consumer debt.

When I think about money, or blessings or resources as limited, and , I miss their beauty altogether. (tweet this)

When I think of the world’s resources like a fixed pie, in which we’re constantly fighting for resources, I find myself trapped by feelings like jealousy, competition, greed and fear.

It’s counter-intuitive, but I’m actually more happy when I have less.

I’m actually richer when I don’t try to save things or keep them for myself. The more I give, the more I receive. The more I receive, the more I give.

It doesn’t make sense, but suddenly, it’s as if I realize: Hey, there is plenty to go around!

These two small shifts have changed the way I think about money, changed the way I act with money, and changed the way I feel about generosity. The fear I used to feel around money (I don’t have enough!) is quickly fading away. The tendency I used to have to hoard money (I have to be prepared!) is all but gone.

My inability to share what I have (everyone else has more than I do!) is non-existent.

I’m more thankful, more satisfied, and “richer” than I’ve ever been before. Not in dollar amount, necessarily, but in attitude at least.

And that has made all the difference.

A New Way to Think About Money That Can Make Us All Rich is a post from: Storyline Blog

Why We Need To Take More Risks (Thanks, Walter Mitty)

I saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty in the theater last night, and walked out lighter than air. There’s something about a movie (or any story, really) where the protagonist overcomes fear by way of ridiculous risk that makes my heart soar. I know what it’s like to be scared of risk.

But I’m not always the best at looking at risk head on and saying, “Alright. It’s go time.” I tend to turn around and bury myself somewhere safe—making tacos, letting the kids watch another cartoon, writing a post no one could disagree with, watching Friends reruns.

This year, I want to get better at staring risk in the face and jumping regardless into the unknown.

There’s a pivotal scene where Walter Mitty declines a ride with a drunk helicopter pilot, but then imagines his love interest serenading him with “Ground control to Major Tom…” This gives him the kick in the pants he needs to jump on the already-airborne aircraft.

After that moment, Walter becomes a bit braver—he skateboards towards a volcano, climbs the Himalayas, and ultimately tells off a jerk-wad of a boss. His willingness to risk failure ultimately completes his story, makes it a story worth telling. It makes for a good movie, anyway.

I’m honestly a bit tired of my excuses for not taking risks.

I’m ready to deal with the consequences of not everyone liking everything I do. I’m willing to try something new and open myself up to admitting defeat if it doesn’t pan out. A good, memorable story is supposed to be polarizing—if everyone agreed with every word of it, saying, “Oh yeah, me too; been there, done that…”—well, what makes it remarkable?

There are seasons when remarkable needs to look like washing dishes and changing diapers, or putting in time at the office and paying off debt. Totally legit.

But there are times when that plotline is playing it too safe, it’s avoiding risk. Storyline Blog

Are You Playing the Victim to Manipulate Others?

To some degree, every one of us has been a victim.

We were either neglected by our parents, picked on at school or ripped off in a business deal later in life. When we are healthy, we can learn from those experiences, forgive and move on. But when we’re not, we tend to re-victimize ourselves over and over.

What I mean when I say re-victimize ourselves is we play the “recording” of the event again and again in our minds because it actually gives us some morbid form of comfort.

When we are somebody’s victim, we actually have a little bit of power over them.

Control freaks love to play the victim, for example. If they are victims, they can control the person who hurt them because that person “owes them something now” and they can also control everybody around them by draining sympathy and attention from their community.

I doubt there’s anybody reading this blog who hasn’t done this. I certainly have. In fact, it’s difficult to even realize we are doing it. Playing the victim shows up as complaining or whining about some task we have to do, or having a really negative attitude toward life.

*Photo Credit: rennes.i, Creative Commons

Henry Cloud and John Townsend define a real victim as a person who is completely and utterly powerless. That’s a tough definition, because it means you and I aren’t often victims. We almost always have some power in a situation. If we are a victim to a person, we can move away from them, even though it will cause a great deal of tension. We can quit our jobs, we can create better boundaries, there’s more often than not something we can do. We just don’t want to. We want to remain victims, because truthfully we are getting something out of the role, even if we don’t admit it.

The truth is, though, when we play the victim, we are actually making partial victims of the people around us. (tweet this)

We are using them and manipulating them.

In order to play the victim we need an oppressor. And when we manipulate by playing the victim we turn people who are otherwise innocent (or perfectly human) into a bad person in our minds. Instead of forgiving somebody who has wronged us and moving on, we demonize them in our minds and play them up as a villain so we can be their wounded victim. It’s an unhealthy game.

What is amazing, then, is the person playing the victim is often the real villain. What I mean is, by demonizing others and portraying them as oppressors, they themselves become the oppressors.

But it’s a tough pattern to get out of. For me, it started by learning to turn the other cheek. Forgiving people for their minor transgressions and just “getting over it” is not something a victim does easily. They see “being wronged” as an ATM machine spitting out cash and it’s tough to walk away.

The truth is, though, most victims don’t want to be oppressors themselves and when they realize what they’re doing, they feel awful. They thought they were the weak ones but really they were strong all along.

Not playing the victim will take a lot of practice, but it’s worthy practice. I promise you, playing the victim is holding you back, hurting others and taking needed attention and resources away from real victims, those who are truly oppressed and can’t do anything about it.

* If you’d like to know more about planning and organizing your life, consider registering for a Storyline Conference. You can learn more by clicking here.

Are You Playing the Victim to Manipulate Others? is a post from: Storyline Blog