Donald Miller's Blog, page 52

Two Resolutions for Being Productive

I meet writers all the time who have talent. They can turn a phrase and reel the reader in. Their use of words is almost magical. And yet, as the years go by, they fail to produce.

What’s the problem? I know it well, because I deal with it myself. And it’s a challenge I think exists for every skilled professional.

You can think of it as a two-fold nemesis:

1. Focus: I always have a few books going, a business plan, plus speaking projects and workshops. I am wired as a starter and though I’ve finished many projects, hundreds lay half complete in my graveyard of ideas. What’s the solution? Focus. Ideas are great, and we can fill a small journal with them. But let’s just keep those little babies in the journal and not take a step until our current project is done. If you want to produce, you will need to focus.

2. Finish: A good writer finishes something. Good writers know projects are never really complete, but when they get good enough, they must be abandoned. And by abandoned, I mean hit print, ship it to the publisher and start the release process. How many books have not been finished because another idea came up? And why? Because writing books gets boring. Sorry, welcome to the real world. Work isn’t always fun. But nothing great comes into the world without hard work, patience and endurance.

So, the two words I challenge you with are Focus and Finish.

Have you found ways to help yourself focus on one project or see something through to completion? What tips would you give others who want to be more productive?

Two Resolutions for Being Productive is a post from: Storyline Blog

Making Choices When You Don’t Know What’s Next

One of the greatest challenges I encountered post college was the suddenness of having to make seemingly “life-altering” choices for myself—unique choices that nobody was going to make for me. They were choices that didn’t come on a 4-year plan or with guaranteed happiness, choices without gold stars and applause, choices that might give you more than you ever imagined or might cost you everything.

Unfortunately, these choices don’t have a manual.

You can seek and receive advice, read up and listen in, pray for guidance—and all these things surely help. But your choices are uniquely yours. And spoiler alert: even when you avoid making a choice, you are making a choice. Probably a bad one.

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

So in order to really develop our true identities and giftings, we have to learn to face the unknown and make choices that don’t fit inside the formulas and “right-or-wrong” mentality we’re taught to cling to as children. This learning process ends up looking like the rest of our adult lives.

Just think about how you grew up.

To be fair, I don’t know your schooling background. I have a friend whose kid is in a private school in Portland where they do awesome things like meditate and collect gems for a “kindness castle” and a bunch of other magical stuff.

Not my experience. I grew up state-funded-get-on-the-bus-kid public schooled. And I liked it that way, for the most part.

But I wasn’t taught much about the benefits of risks, while I was taught a lot about safety. I was rarely encouraged to find my own solutions but expected to devote countless hours memorizing context-based formulas so I would “perform” well. I went through most of my high school years signing up and showing up for things that I thought would secure my future.

Good things come to those who wait.

That’s what I thought. Perform well and wait for good things, a good college, a good job, a good community, a good man to choose you. But the closer I got to the real world, the more I realized this was not always the case. And how quickly this way of thinking would lead me down a path of restlessness rather than discovering my unique identity and leveraging my gifts.

I could either sit around waiting for merited opportunities and relationships, or I could cultivate them. And when I looked to Jesus for guidance, I saw a man who made choices. I saw a man that confidently and creatively pursued his passions. I saw a man who created the community he desired. I saw a man who entrusted every decision to God and changed the world because of it.

So these days I believe something different.

Good things come to those who choose.

You can’t ever throw a touchdown pass if you’re only focused on the defensive backs. If you try something while trusting God, you may not get exactly what you wanted but you’ll still get more of Him.

And when I think about it, that’s all I really want. I’m finding I would rather live a life pursuing what I love with God rather than wondering when or if things will happen for me. The latter gets me nowhere, while the former allows me to experience a journey of purpose, beauty and grace.

Let’s be choice-makers and put more of our “what ifs” to the test.

Making Choices When You Don’t Know What’s Next is a post from: Storyline Blog

Why You’re More Successful Than You Think

Every day I walk past a series of magazine covers my wife had framed, and I think about them way more than I should. I think about them too much because, to be honest, I’m still not sure what to do with them.

I should probably mention that I helped start the magazine in question and I ran it for almost four years. I was young (way back then) and I had no editorial experience, so those magazine covers represent a huge, unexpected opportunity that changed the course of my career. For me, those magazine covers represent life-giving relationships and newfound skills. When I look at them, I remember how much I grew from all the blood, sweat, and tears that go into making something to share with the world. Those magazine covers represent an amazing chapter of my story.

And yet.

And yet those magazine covers also represent some things I’d rather forget.

Looking back, I made a ton of mistakes along the way. At times I was arrogant, sloppy, naive, and just plain wrong. I didn’t always handle the pressure, stress, and responsibility well. I’m not proud of all the work I did.

And then there’s the business side of the equation — the magazine wasn’t a financial disaster, but it didn’t takeoff the way we hoped either. The reason I only ran the magazine for four years is because that’s how long it lasted before we shut it down. One does not earn a merit badge for piloting a publication into nonexistence.

Thus, the dilemma of the magazine covers.

I’m not sure what to do with them because when I look at them I see both success and failure, big growth and big mistakes. The covers are 9-inch by 12-inch reminders that I got some things right and some things wrong, that I made the most of some opportunities and botched others. The memories of the magazine are a mixed bag for me, and I’m learning to be okay with that.

Life, if we’re honest, is a parade of mixed bags. Your friendships, your time in college, your marriage, your career — they all feature ups and downs, highlights and lowlights, wins and losses. When we think solely in terms of success or failure, we fall into the trap of a false dichotomy. Most of life isn’t success OR failure, it’s success AND failure.

Look closer.

You’ll see your successes are seasoned with failure and your failures are seasoned with success.

If you’re determined to be disappointed, constantly ask yourself questions like, Did that thing work out perfectly? Did it go exactly as I planned? If you’d prefer a more balanced perspective, ask yourself questions like, Did I grow from that experience? Did I give my all? Was it worth it? Am I better for it?

As often as we’re able to answer yes to that second set of questions, we’re redefining success to include both patience and grace.

What will you count a success?

After all, experiences and relationships don’t have to be perfect in order to matter — it’s enough that they shape us into the people God is inviting us to become. That’s a more life-giving definition of success, right?

For me, I think it’s time I put those magazine covers in the success column so that I’m free to think about what might go on the wall next.

Why You’re More Successful Than You Think is a post from: Storyline Blog

Your Growth May Threaten Others, Grow Anyway

Every story is about one thing, the arc of the character. What I mean by that is unless the hero changes, you’ve got no story. They have to be cowardly at the beginning and brave at the end, or selfish at the beginning and altruistic at the end. Something in the character has to change or the audience loses interest.

The reason an audience is attracted to a character that changes is because, intuitively, they sense their own desire to change and live vicariously through the character arc of the hero. That’s one of the many reasons we love movies.

But that brings up a powerful point.

You were designed to change.

And if you think about it, it’s irrefutable. Everything God created, from poppies to puppies, changes. Nothing stays the same even for a second. Grass grows, clouds wisp by, water flows into the ocean, guys grow beards, girls become women, and some of them moms and grandmas. Everything God made is always in motion. The only things that aren’t changing are, by definition, dead.

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

It’s true of you and me, too. Remember the first time you went back home after going off to college? Or that first time you went back home after a long, summer adventure?

There was likely a dissonance. Suddenly, after a series of experiences that had changed you, you went back and felt a chasm between the way people were treating you and who you really were.

They hadn’t realized you’d changed.

In fact, you likely “felt” like the same person you used to be. Even in their thirties, some people spend the night back in their family home and want to let everybody know they made their bed that morning.

For some, that God-given, pre-programmed process of change is stunted. And it’s stunted for several reasons, all of which should be ignored.

Here are a couple of the big ones:

Other people don’t want you to change because the relationship they have with you is comfortable. If you change (become successful, famous, strong or whatever) their relationship with you has to change. So it’s not in their best interest for you to change.
Other people have a relationship with you in which you play an inferior role. If you change, they are no longer comfortable because they really like you because you’re submissive.
Some people need you to play the role you’ve always played in their lives, a support role or a child’s role or whatever. You changing means that role will no longer be fulfilled and they find this threatening.

Here’s something I learned, though.

People who don’t change anyway become mentally unhealthy. They become weak and lack integration. By that I mean inwardly they begin to change but to keep the peace play an outward role. This, by nature, is a lack of integrity (the inner self integrated with the outer self) and will be the end of you. Healthy people are integrated and unhealthy people are not.

So what do we do about all this? How do we change anyway?

Of course each situation demands its own course of action, but in general, in the grandest of sweeping terms, we must be willing to make others uncomfortable to become who we were meant to be.

This is God’s path for us.

And God is fine with us making other people uncomfortable. He does it all the time.

Sometimes this means people you used to see as wise counselors will now have to accept you as an equal. Sometimes it means those you submit to will have to deal with your new found authority and autonomy.

It’s true some people won’t be comfortable with this. They’ve made an unspoken agreement with you that you need to be weak. But that’s not an agreement you should keep. They may want out of the relationship and in my opinion that’s a relationship you should let go of. Nothing should stop you from changing.

If a caterpillar becomes a butterfly and a seed becomes a tomato and a babbling baby grows up to become a prolific professor, all by design, what were you supposed to become?

So what’s stopping you from changing?

If you’d like to learn more about change, pre-order Don’s new book Scary Close. If you pre-order before February 3, you get Don’s bestselling memoir Blue Like Jazz in audiobook form for free the second you order.

Your Growth May Threaten Others, Grow Anyway is a post from: Storyline Blog

Your Growth May Threaten Others; Grow Anyway

Every story is about one thing, the arc of the character. What I mean by that is unless the hero changes, you’ve got no story. They have to be cowardly at the beginning and brave at the end, or selfish at the beginning and altruistic at the end. Something in the character has to change or the audience loses interest.

The reason an audience is attracted to a character that changes is because, intuitively, they sense their own desire to change and live vicariously through the character arc of the hero. That’s one of the many reasons we love movies.

But that brings up a powerful point.

You were designed to change.

And if you think about it, it’s irrefutable. Everything God created, from poppies to puppies, changes. Nothing stays the same even for a second. Grass grows, clouds wisp by, water flows into the ocean, guys grow beards, girls become women, and some of them moms and grandmas. Everything God made is always in motion. The only things that aren’t changing are, by definition, dead.

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

It’s true of you and me, too. Remember the first time you went back home after going off to college? Or that first time you went back home after a long, summer adventure?

There was likely a dissonance. Suddenly, after a series of experiences that had changed you, you went back and felt a chasm between the way people were treating you and who you really were.

They hadn’t realized you’d changed.

In fact, you likely “felt” like the same person you used to be. Even in their thirties, some people spend the night back in their family home and want to let everybody know they made their bed that morning.

For some, that God-given, pre-programmed process of change is stunted. And it’s stunted for several reasons, all of which should be ignored.

Here are a couple of the big ones:

Other people don’t want you to change because the relationship they have with you is comfortable. If you change (become successful, famous, strong or whatever) their relationship with you has to change. So it’s not in their best interest for you to change.

Other people have a relationship with you in which you play an inferior role. If you change, they are no longer comfortable because they really like you because you’re submissive.

Some people need you to play the role you’ve always played in their lives, a support role of a child’s role or whatever. You changing means that role will no longer be fulfilled and they find this threatening.

Here’s something I learned, though.

People who don’t change anyway become mentally unhealthy. They become weak and lack integration. By that I mean inwardly they begin to change but to keep the peace play an outward role. This, by nature, is a lack of integrity (the inner self integrated with the outer self) and will be the end of you. Healthy people are integrated and unhealthy people are not.

So what do we do about all this? How do we change anyway?

Of course each situation demands its own course of action, but in general, in the grandest of sweeping terms, we must be willing to make others uncomfortable and change anyway.

This is God’s path for them.

Sometimes this means people you used to see as wise counselors will now have to accept you as an equal. Sometimes it means those you submit to will have to deal with your new found sense of authority and autonomy.

It’s true some people won’t be comfortable with this. They’ve made an unspoken agreement with you that you need to be weak. But that’s not an agreement you should keep. They may want out of the relationship and in my opinion that’s a relationship you should let go of. Nothing should stop you from changing.

If a caterpillar becomes a butterfly and a seed becomes a tomato and a babbling baby grows up to become a prolific professor, all by design, what were you supposed to become?

So what’s stopping you from changing?

If you’d like to read more about change and building better relationships, pre-order Don’s new book Scary Close. If you pre-order before February 3, you get Don’s bestselling memoir Blue Like Jazz in audiobook form for free the second you order. Visit www.scaryclose.com to learn more.

Your Growth May Threaten Others; Grow Anyway is a post from: Storyline Blog

What Do You Need to Hand Over So You Can Heal?

“That’s it,” I thought, gritting my teeth, my shoulder raised above my head. “That’s as far as it can go.”

Then the physical therapist pushed it slowly, but firmly, higher. Just a few more centimeters.

“Now it’s at the limit,” I thought. “It’s at the breaking point.”

It was cool in the room, but I was drenched in sweat. I pulled the towel with my other hand, put it in my mouth and bit down hard. Maybe it would keep me from screaming. I was sure that the shoulder was about to pop out of its socket, break through the skin, and blind the all-knowing sadistic physical therapist with a shard of bone. It would serve him right for not paying attention to my pain.

I know when I’m at my limit, when enough is enough. He wasn’t reading my body very well, or even trying to understand my muffled bellowing.

I really don’t know how I tore my rotator cuff.

I’m not a surfer, so it wasn’t from overuse in paddling through big waves off my hometown’s coast. I’m not a pitcher, so it wasn’t from throwing too many curve balls. I don’t do martial arts. I didn’t have it pinned behind me during a cage match, refusing to tap out. I don’t rock climb. I didn’t kayak upstream in a raging river. I do watch American Ninja Warrior, though, so maybe something vicarious happened when a competitor lunged for the Warped Wall.

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

It’s just that my shoulder started hurting a lot, and I went to the doctor, got an MRI, and right there on the screen we could both see the tear.

Friends of mine have had rotator cuff surgery, and none of them came back with 100 percent use of their shoulders. So I chose physical therapy to see if there was a way my body could heal itself, with help.

That’s why I was on this padded table.

I was letting Hannibal Lecter move my arm this way, then that, massaging the area, then moving my arm some more. And on this particular day, when I figured he must be distracted and not paying attention to the fact that I could take no more, he kept moving my arm higher. Then a little higher.

Finally, he stopped. “Whew,” I thought. “He must have figured that I was at the limit of what I could do.”

But before I could move, I heard him say this: “If you want me to help you, you gotta let me have your shoulder.”

In other words, I wasn’t cooperating in my own healing.

I was resisting, and didn’t even know it.

Deep down, I thought I knew better than him. I thought I had to protect myself.

Over the next few weeks I let more and more of my shoulder go. The pain was excruciating while the therapist did what therapists do. And then, slowly, with some exercise, it got better. I got my strength back. And now it’s really good. The Unstable Ladder on American Ninja Warrior looks do-able.

But first I had to let it go. What are you holding onto that is keeping you from getting healed?

What Do You Need to Hand Over So You Can Heal? is a post from: Storyline Blog

How You Can Experience More of Eternity

Just the other night when I was trying to fall asleep I found myself wondering what things in life I enjoy the most. The initial list that came to my mind was all about practicing hospitality, building my company, and writing books.

Then when I thought about those things further I realized I liked them, but there were things I loved even more.

I remembered being a kid, playing with a toy jeep.

It was a gift, a jeep with a plastic kayak strapped to the roof. I remember the timelessness of the play, and how I could go for hours digging little rivers in the dirt and turning on the hose to float the kayak down the stream. It was during those times of play when life felt eternal.

Later in life I felt it again when I went through a season of memorizing poems. I used to carry them around in my pocket and pull them out all day to mull them over and repeat their lines. The poems transported me back into that sense of timelessness.

They say when you’re in your “zone” as a creative, time stands still.

I’ve experienced that, too.

When I wrote my first book I’d come home from work at night, exhausted, but I’d find rest sitting at my computer telling myself a story.

So right there in bed I decided to make a list of the things I really loved:

1. Storms. Any weather that is violent.

2. Poems. Memorizing them and thinking about them.

3. Writing with no care of publication.

4. Time with Betsy.

5. The first 30 minutes of a bike ride.

The list will grow, I’m sure.

And the longer it grows, the more time I want to spend chasing that sense of eternity. Some poet-theologians speculate that sense of timelessness is a prophetic groaning of heaven. I like that idea.

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

I like the idea that, at least experientially, we can stretch time out a bit, slow it down, fit more of life into its cracks and crevasses.

Life will resist, of course. And we can’t all live in the timeless every hour of the day. But we can find those cracks. And we can slip into them from time to time. If for no other reason than to sense a bit of heaven.

How You Can Experience More of Eternity is a post from: Storyline Blog

Don’t Strive to Be Someone You’re Not

Growing up, I wanted to be just like my big sister Jenna. Jenna has one of the best personalities of anyone I know. She’s fun, kind, energetic, handles the spotlight beautifully and at the same time she’s humble and genuinely curious about others’ lives. Jenna was prom queen and homecoming queen in high school for these very reasons. She hates that I just told you that.

Even in high school I remember she received those crowns with a subtle eye roll. Jenna is awesome because she doesn’t need accolades and crowns to tell her so.

Though I wanted to be:

I was not just like Jenna in high school.

I had friends. I liked my life at school and am fortunate to have walked away from those adolescent years with an overall good experience. But I realized in that time that my personality was not identical to Jenna’s like I wanted it to be.

People would tell me often that I was quiet. This upset me. I was not quiet, I would tell them. They just didn’t know me well enough. I thought being quiet was a negative character trait and I was embarrassed this was the impression I was giving people. I didn’t want to have a reputation of a quiet girl. I wanted Jenna’s reputation. How was I going to be homecoming queen if I didn’t?

It took years of fighting people on this aspect of my personality before surrendering to it. In college, enough people had described me as quiet that I began to admit it to myself.

I was often quiet.

I didn’t speak up much in class. I liked riding in the car in silence, which irritated many of my friends. I liked to read and write and be by myself more than the average college student. I loved people and meeting new ones and going to things, but I was never the life of the party and would not have felt comfortable if I was.

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

Sometimes people give us labels.

They can be cruel and hurtful and inaccurate, and we need to go to counseling in adulthood to work through it. And other times, people give us labels that are not bad or anywhere near inaccurate yet we resist them because we have a vision of who we think we should be.

If the well-meaning people in your life are consistently describing you in a certain way, don’t dismiss it. Take it into consideration, whether this description is, in your opinion, positive or negative.

When I began accepting my quiet self, I began to experience freedom. If being quiet was true about me, I didn’t have to force myself to be louder than what felt natural. I didn’t have to try to be more fun at parties when I didn’t know how to be. I could start to discover who I truly was, quiet parts and all.

Life was more enjoyable.

I was less anxious and I was easier on myself, rather than being hard on myself for not speaking up more.

I was never homecoming queen or prom queen. I think I won a participation award in my Latin class once, but I never received that reputation I thought I wanted, the one I thought I needed. Now, I know that that’s ok. It’s better to be who you are than to strive to be who you think should be.

And years later, I still look up to Jenna and want to be just like her, but I want to be just like me too.

Don’t Strive to Be Someone You’re Not is a post from: Storyline Blog

How Playing It Safe Keeps You from Finishing Strong

I recently met a man with an exciting idea for a new business. When I encouraged him to start it, he told me that he just had too much to lose: a seemingly stable job, a growing nest egg, and a family.

He had decided to play it safe. Attempting to grow his idea might cost his current job and a sense of security.

It reminded me of watching basketball as a kid.

I loved watching the Tar Heels and young players like Michael Jordan and his teammates during the first half of a game. They seemed to hover in mid air and move the ball in unexpected ways. Their display of athletic talent was an art form.

The second half of a game was an entirely different story. With a large lead, the innovators became pragmatists. They traded scoring points and making plays for running out the clock and avoiding mistakes. Commentators praised their young coach, Dean Smith, for his very reasonable strategy. He spread the players out into a “four corners” offense where they passed the ball around in an effort to protect their lead by running out the clock.

In the NFL, we see a similar strategy.

It’s called a “prevent defense.” Late in the game, the team with the lead becomes more interested in running out the clock than trying to score points. Playing it safe might be a sensible strategy in some sports, but it is not very exciting to watch.

This type of conservative play only works within the confines of a game limited by a known amount of time and a scoreboard where points can be earned and not lost.

Think about it, track has no equivalent. Runners during a mile race may pace themselves, but they never stop running because they are ahead. The race is not about who is leading the pack after a pre-determined amount of time.

A race is about finishing well.

No points are granted for the leader at the end of each lap. Runners cannot score by gaining the lead, holding the lead, or passing an opponent. The only measurement is at the finish and there is great joy not only in finishing first but also setting new records.

The desire to use a “four corners offense” or “prevent defense” in our lives can be strong. We rack up a few points in school, some more at our job, and a few more with our families, then want to sit on our lead. We try to run out the clock only making safe, predictable moves.

The problem with such a strategy is that we really are not actually sitting on a lead, and we have no idea when the buzzer will sound ending our time on earth. The points one may think they have scored are not static features: wealth can be lost and relationships require continual attention. The bottom line is:

Life is not about scoring points or using up time.

We should live more like runners. We should live the life before us with less regard for cultural scoreboards or an actuarial clock. We should be focused on running in a way that we might win the prize.

When I remember Jordan’s amazing plays, I never recall his passes from the four corners. I think about his no-look passes and acrobatic dunks.

To reduce the impact of the four corners offensive, basketball created a “shot clock” that limits the amount of time any team can use this delay strategy. Playing it safe might work for games of leisure, but it is no way to live life.

I want to live like each moment matters.

Sometimes that might involve staying put and being faithfully present in my current situation and sometimes it may mean taking a new risk. I never want to miss taking a shot at loving others or making wrong things right.

So, I am trying to surround myself with people who will serve as my relational shot clock – people who encourage me to live intentionally and to sprint the finish. Ask yourself today: where do you need to take action rather than playing the “prevent defense” in your life?

How Playing It Safe Keeps You from Finishing Strong is a post from: Storyline Blog

What to Do When You Can’t Make a Decision

There comes a season in many people’s lives when their choices are no longer between things they want to do and things they don’t want to do but, rather, between a lot of things they want to do. The old, young days of good versus bad options have turned into good versus good options. And the choices can be paralyzing.

Everybody, though, has to make decisions.

If we don’t, our stories become muddled. I’m remembering that scene from my favorite movie Wonder Boys in which a distinguished writing professor is confronted by one of his own students about his newest novel.

“Professor Tripp,” his student begins, “Your new novel is quite beautiful. I mean it’s beautifully written and all but it’s long. I mean you go off on the genealogy of everybody’s horses. It’s like you didn’t make any decisions. You just included everything.”

The confrontation is more than just about his new novel– it’s about professor Tripp’s life.

He’s stopped making decisions.

He’s got so much good going on he no longer wants to decide which direction to go. So he goes nowhere.

It’s true when people have too many choices they freeze up. There’s some research about that phenomenon here. And it’s also true there are ways around this phenomenon. Essentially, when making important decisions, we have to limit our options.

But how do we do that?

For me, it comes down to making a decision and not looking back. When all the options are very good, I no longer spend time figuring out which option is the best. That would take too long because anything can be looked at from too many angles.

Remember, I’m not talking about good versus bad decisions; I’m talking about that point in which any direction you go is going to turn out great.

Photo Credit : Mikaela Hamilton

So instead, I’ve begun to place value in just moving. A good plan executed is better than a great plan mulled over for centuries.

But this is tough.

Because what it means is letting go of the possibility of anything else.

Recently I had lunch with a good friend who is in his late thirties, very successful and good looking. He’s not married but would like to be some day. What’s his problem? From a personal perspective, he doesn’t have any. He will be a great husband for somebody some day.

But he struggles with one thing:

He has too many options.

There are too many women in his life and he can’t choose. He wants all of them and none of them at the same time.

The reality is, in order to have a great love story, he will have to say goodbye to all the other great options and just choose one. Otherwise, he will be stuck in permanent interview mode for life.

I think a lot of us deal with the same problem except in work, in friendships, in hobbies and so on. But aren’t we missing out on life by not making decisions? Perhaps it’s time to say goodbye to some of the good opportunities for the sake of the story. Perhaps it’s time to choose a direction and start moving.

What to Do When You Can’t Make a Decision is a post from: Storyline Blog