Sherry Ellis's Blog, page 84

Hungry Boy

My eight-year-old son was sitting at the breakfast table this morning, gobbling up his eggs when he posed this question:  "Mama, can a person eat a whole humpback whale?"

I looked at the kid.  "No, Bubba.  A whale is enormous.  I don't even think a polar bear could do that." 

"I bet I could," Bubba said. "Especially if there was a little bacon and butter on the side."

"Right, Bubba.  But I bet it would take you more than a day to do it."

He finished his breakfast and got up.  "I'm going fishing, now," he announced.  "You should start making the bacon and butter."

Sure, kid. I'll get right on it!    

Knuckle Barnacles

"Mama, do barnacles grow on knuckles?"

Huh?  I looked at my eight-year-old son, completely perplexed as to why he would ask me such a question.  "Bubba, barnacles are sea creatures that grow on hard things, like shells and shipwrecks."

"But, Mama, SpongeBob had barnacles growing on his toes!"

I knew this would have something to do with SpongeBob.  (He's an obnoxious sponge cartoon character, in case you didn't know.)  "Bubba, that's a cartoon.  It's not for real."

He grinned.  "Do you want to know how to get rid of barnacles that are growing on your toes?"

I didn't realize I had barnacles growing on my toes, but I went along with it. "Um, sure, Bubba.  Tell me how to get rid of the barnacles that are growing on my toes."

"Drink coffee."

Oh. 

So ladies and gentlemen, if you have barnacles growing on your toes, or knuckles, or any other body part, be sure to drink a nice hot cup of coffee.  You'll be barnacle-free in no time!

Sea Monkeys

"Mama," my eight-year-old son said. "I want a pet sea monkey."

"A what?" I said. I pictured some kind of aquatic creature hanging from stag horn coral munching on bananas.

" A sea monkey.  They were around during the time of the dinosaurs."

"Bubba, we're getting ready to move, and we certainly don't need any more pets!" (I'm trying to figure out how we're going to move the ones we have!)

"But Mama, they're really small, and I'll take care of them!"

"No, Bubba.  No sea monkeys!"

"But do you at least want to see how cute they are?"

I looked at the boy.  "Fine.  I'll take a look at them."

We pulled up a You tube video: 

   Okay.  After about a minute of watching them, I've determined that I've had quite enough of sea monkeys!  What about you?        

One Smart Dog

It's time for another Schultz story.  In case you're new to this pad, Schultz is our hundred pound German Shepherd.  And he doesn't like taking his medicine.

We talked to the vet about this little situation, and the vet suggested that we coat the pill with peanut butter.  "He'll love it and think it's a treat," he said.

Okay.  So we disguised the pill in layers of peanut butter and plopped it down in front of the beast.  He gave it a quick sniff and started licking.  He licked until all the peanut butter was off.  All that remained was pill.  Then he walked away. 

"Schultz!" I said.  "Get over here and eat your pill!"

He gave me a look and kept walking. 

I picked up the slobbery thing.  "Schultz, come!"

He came, and I opened his ginormous mouth. I shoved the pill in and clamped the mouth shut with my hands.  When I thought he had swallowed it, I released him.

What did he do?  He hacked it right up and deposited it on the floor.

"Schultz!" 

I picked up the absolutely disgusting blob of a pill and pried the dog's mouth open.  "EAT IT!" I shouted and shoved it in there.

I held that mouth closed for a full three minutes until I was sure it was well on its way to Schultz's tummy.

Can you believe it? What a completely ornery, obstinate, impossible creature!   

Ancient Mama

"Mama," my eight-year-old son said. "Are you as old as a fossil?"

Hmmm.  I had to do some calculating.  "Yes, Bubba, I am as old as a fossil.  In fact, I was around to see the first Tyrannosaurus Rex hatch out of its egg."

He looked at me kind of funny. "Really, Mama?  Because that T Rex had to have a mommy and daddy T Rex to make him."

Oh.  Yeah.  The age old "What came first, the chicken or the egg?".

I gave that a little bit of thought.  "It was a mutation, Bubba. The parents of the T Rex weren't exactly T Rexes.  The baby I saw was the first real T Rex."

Bubba scratched his head.  "Mama.  You're making this stuff up.  And you're only forty-one, so you're not as old as a fossil."

Right. So much for my great story!





 

Make the Mama Smile Game

A few days ago I learned that my family and I would be moving to Atlanta, Georgia.  While I'm sure this will be an opportunity to meet new people and have new experiences, it is still sad.  I will have to leave family and friends.  And one of the hardest things for me to do is leave my students.  I've told quite a few of them already.  The news has not been taken well.  After they've picked their jaws up off the floor, almost all of them start crying.  Which makes me cry.  Ugh. 

Needless to say, my smile seems to have skipped town and taken a vacation.  My family is trying to bring it back .  They've devised the "Make Mama Smile" game.  Here's how it works:  Each member of my family takes turns doing something ridiculous in an attempt to make me smile.  The first person to make me smile, is the winner. 

My husband was up first.  I can't even remember what he did or said, but it didn't make me smile.

Then my daughter was up.  She did a goofy dance and made some faces.  That didn't make me smile.

Last but not least, was Bubba.  He came up to me and started tickling me. The tickle didn't get me - it was his infectious laugh.  I cracked a smile.

"I win!" he shouted.  "Bubba magic!"

Yep.  Bubba magic. 

Dancing Mama

My eleven-year-old daughter had another dance competition today.  Her team did awesome.  It was a national competition, and they won first place overall!

Anyway, last night we were in our hotel room, dressed in our pajamas and ready for bed.  My daughter wanted to watch TV, so we turned it on - to music videos.

The music made me want to get up and start dancing.  So I did.

"Mom, what are you doing?"

"Doing a Bubba dance," I replied.

She watched me and rolled her eyes.  "Mom, you seriously need to take dance lessons!"

So what did I do?  I busted another move. 

She totally cracked up.  "Mom, you're embarrassing me, and there's not even anybody else in the room!"

"Sorry, kid," I said.  "I'm just doing my job!"  

The Cup Song

Before I tell you my story, I have to share some awesome news.  I got an agent for my book, Big Hole to China!  To celebrate the occasion, I'm hanging out as a guest at SC Writer's blog.  If you'd like to read about my experience in writing the book, querying, and finding an agent, please stop by!

Now for the cup story.

Yesterday, my eleven-year-old daughter pulled a plastic cup out of the cupboard and started banging on it.  But it wasn't just any banging.  It was a well choreographed rhythm, complete with funky moves.

"What are you doing?"  I asked.

"The cup song," she replied as she whipped through it really fast.

"Cool,"  I said.  "Can you teach me?"

She slowed it down, and pretty soon I was doing the cup song.

Meanwhile, in the office, my husband was trying to work.  "Will you cut it out!" he shouted.

Um, yeah.

So, if you'd like to have a lot of fun thoroughly annoying somebody, do the cup song.  Here's how it goes:

  

Are Uvulas Important?

"Mama," my eight-year-old son said while having breakfast this morning.  "Are uvulas important?"

I tried not to choke on my food.  This was not a question I expected first thing in the morning.  "I believe they are, Bubba.  I think they help people swallow."

He thought about that a second.  "Oh.  Then how to sword swallowers swallow when they're not swallowing swords?"

Huh?  I had to think about that, which wasn't easy because my brain wasn't exactly fully operational at seven o'clock in the morning.  "I believe sword swallowers have uvulas."

"I don't think so, Mama.  Otherwise they'd never get the sword down there."

"Bubba, I think it's a trick."

"No, Mama.  They really do swallow swords.  I saw it on TV."

Right.

So ladies and gentlemen, what do you think?  Do sword swallowers have uvulas, and are uvulas important?    

The Day the DS Died

It's a dark day in my little man's world.  Bubba's beloved Nintendo DS has bit the dust.

"Mama," he said this morning.  "There's something wrong with my DS.  The light won't turn off and I can't work the controls."

"Maybe it needs a break," I suggested.  "You play it all the time."

"No, Mama.  It doesn't need a break."

"Okay," I said.  "Let me see it."

He handed it over.  I tried pressing buttons.  It didn't do anything.  Then I gave it a good whack, because that always seems to do the trick.

"Mama, you're going to break it!"

"Um, Bubba, it's already broken."

He gave me one of his sad faces.

"You're going to have to live without it," I said.

He walked away, feeling completely dejected.

Maybe he'll get an early birthday present.  But for now, I'm going to let him suffer the loss of his beloved DS.  (I'm such a heartless Mama!)