Maranda Russell's Blog, page 13

Poetry – There’s Been a Mistake

There's been a mistake
somewhere.
This is not
how it was all
supposed to go.

You, over there
laughing
as I prick my finger
on verbal razors.

Me, bleeding,
faking a smile
wishing
I could manage
to be good
just this once.

Migraines are Killing Me

These migraines are killing me. Today’s the 8th day in a row, beating my last record of 7 days. It is affecting my whole life. I can barely function.

The stress of dealing with marriage counseling and the hurt over my husband’s online behavior that I see as a betrayal of our relationship is probably playing a big role in this particular flareup, which makes me feel resentful too. Almost like he is putting me through this. He is doing everything he can to make amends, and I deeply appreciate that, but the hurt is still there.

I have to debate every day whether I should even take migraine relieving medicine (no matter how much pain I am in) as I run the risk of causing rebound migraines if I take more than a few pills a week. It is SO frustrating

Poetry – Migraines Again

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marble eye
bulging
out of its socket

stiff neck
coiling
thick as marine rope

dizzy nausea
swooning
drags me to the bed

hated pain
blazing
throws me into hell

again and again and again
and again and again and
again and again and again
and again and again and

On Paganism

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I came for the magick, the ceremony, the mystical – glittering amongst the crystals, candles, wands, and symbols.

But it isn’t about that at all, is it? It is about essence, about the base elements that form everything in and outside of nature.

It is about the history, the stories, and the heart lessons we all need to learn on this wild ride through time and space.

Remember:
Reality is an illusion.
All is an illusion.
Everything is energy.

Poetry – Apocalypse 2020

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If I be wrong
and the apocalypse
has not come,
than these
plagues
locusts
hellfire
brimstone
bloodbaths
must simply
be foreplay.

Get Signed Copies of My Books on Ebay!

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I wasn’t sure if all of you were aware that I sell signed copies of my paperback books on Ebay, so figured I’d give you a heads up in case anyone was interested. The books for sale are either my poetry books or books for children. All my print books are currently available except for “Searching for the Truth” (I’m sold out of that one right now).

Each book is $5, plus shipping via Media Mail. Below, I’ll give the Ebay link for each book. If you don’t do Ebay, but are still interested in getting a signed copy, let me know and I’m sure we can work something out. Numbers are limited, so get yours soon!

Ebay Book Links:

Ode to Icky (kids picture book)

Not Afraid to Be Real (poetry)

From Both Sides (poetry about foster care)

Creepy, Funny & Just Plain Weird (kids short stories/poetry)

Can’t Keep Me Down (poetry)

Poetry – The Dead

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The dead don't rise
like yeast
or dough
oh no
the dead rise
like a grumpy
yeti
with nails clawing
and voice squalling
from the icy
pits of hell.

marandarussell.com

A Couple Short Instagram Poems

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I’m Afraid for the Future Right Now

I was tempted to just post a poem or something today, but I know some of you are worried about me after my last post and I could use your support right now, so I’m going to share what I’m comfortable sharing about what is going on.

Those of you who have followed me for a long time have figured out some of it I’m sure. I’ve mentioned enough times how my husband is my whole world and my main support system. So it will come as no surprise that we are having trouble right now. We are not separated or planning to divorce or anything like that, but my husband made some very foolish decisions lately that hurt me deeply, destroyed my ability to trust him fully, and have set us on a long road to relationship recovery.

He didn’t fully cheat (thank God), but his inability to deal with his feelings of depression/isolation, feeling drained at work, and overwhelmed at times by being a caretaker to someone with severe chronic illness (me), caused a perfect storm, and instead of handling it the right way by communicating with me or someone who could really help, he started acting out stupidly, doing things behind my back, and lying to me.

It isn’t even so much what he did that bothers me, but the lying and sneaking around. That has to change and end. He shows an immense amount of remorse, and I can tell it is genuine. We do plan to get help by doing couples counseling. Both of us can sometimes struggle with communication when it comes to anything that might cause confrontation or that we think might upset the other and I know we need to work on that to solve this.

At this point I’m cautiously optimistic. Trust is such a hard thing for me anyway because of my abusive past, and I fear I may never be able to get that back. I think that is what I’m most scared of. And if we can’t work through that, I don’t know what to do.

My World Has Crashed

I’m normally brutally honest with you guys, but sometimes that is hard when someone else’s privacy and reputation is involved, but I am deeply hurting today and must share that much at least. I feel like my entire world has been turned upside down in less than a day’s worth of time. I found out that many of the core beliefs I based my life on no longer seem to be true. My support system is in tatters. The person I thought I could trust most in the world has hurt me deeply. I am feeling worthless, alone, and like there is no hope left in my life right now.

I am not actively suicidal, but I almost wish I were. It would be easier. I wish I had somewhere to go. Someone to go to. But I don’t. I never thought this would happen and I definitely don’t feel prepared.