Maranda Russell's Blog, page 9

Subconscious Sexual Abuse Dreams?

Although I was exposed to sexual content at a very young age and my parents shared WAY too much of their sex life details with me as a kid, I always considered myself lucky that at least I wasn’t touched or molested by anyone.

However, over the years (more so in the past than currently) I’ve had multiple nightmares about a couple of my relatives molesting me. I have no conscious memory of this ever happening, so if it did actually happen, it was obviously when I was too young to remember or my mind has blocked it from my memory. Either way, I’m glad of that safeguard if anything actually did happen, because I don’t think I’d want to remember it in detail.

The reason I’m sharing this today is just to ask if anyone else has ever had recurring nightmares about a relative sexually abusing them. Is this normal? Should I just shake it off as some kind of weird paranoia? There was definitely a lack of boundaries and privacy in my home growing up. Perhaps that triggers exaggerated dreams like this? I’m not sure, but I was just wondering if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this.

Poetry – 2 Scars Mini Poems

1. A scab for your scar,then right back in the car.2. My scars grow scabsfaster thanmy psyche can catch up.-marandarussell.com

Vacation Cancelled :(

Today is a bummer. My husband and I were supposed to go to Buffalo, NY for spring break starting today, but I’ve got an awful ear infection and don’t feel up to going, so we had to cancel. I’m taking both antibiotic ear drops and oral antibiotics, but it is still hurting a lot. Earaches are probably one of the worst aches, up there with a bad toothache.

So now I’m bored, in pain, stuck at home, and kind of cranky too. I guess at least I have you guys to talk to lol. Thanks for listening to my little rant. Anyone got any weird, fun trivia, jokes, or funny personal stories you want to share? I could use a laugh.

Stressful and Emotional Week

This has been a stressful and emotional week. My husband and I had marriage counseling early in the week, which is helpful, but always makes me emotional and kind of depressed (depressed because we even need marriage counseling in the first place). Then my husband started a 12 step support group to work on some of the acting out behaviors he struggles with. I’m glad he started the group, I think it will be good for him and he could use the friendship and accountability partners, but I was also kind of bummed because his support group gets to meet in person and I desperately wish I could find a support group for me that meets in person.

I feel like I’m dying for that face to face interaction, but the only support groups I could find for me only meet online for right now and it looks like it will be that way until at least September because of the rules of the church where they normally met before Covid. I’m still going to try to be a part of it, but it just isn’t the same. Part of me is jealous that my husband gets that in-person attention and I can’t.

On top of that, my husband and I had a fight yesterday (or more accurately, I had an emotional meltdown and he sort of closed up, not knowing how to respond). The argument was about the trip we are taking to Buffalo, NY next week and about him making plans for it that I didn’t agree to and wouldn’t like so that he could visit an old friend. More than anything, I was just upset that I felt like he didn’t even think about how any of it would affect me or make the trip harder for me.

I’m feeling like an emotional wreck.

Poetry Bits – Titles

1) A name is given,a title is bestowed,a legacy is earned,but affection must be sowed.2)Don't exchange what's vitalsimply for a title.

Poetry – What Would Maya Angelou Write?

What would Maya Angelou write?Something inspirational.Something bold & direct.Something that plays on your conscience.Something privileged ears need to hear.Something regal and hauntingly beautiful to your ears.What would Maya Angelou write?Something not quickly forgotten.

Poetry – Subterranean

It's only naturalto envy the birdsflying overhead,when you buildfor yourselfa subterranean prison.- marandarussell.com

Dreary Day for a Dreary Mood

It’s a dreary day here. The fog is so thick, I can’t see past our nearest neighbors’ houses. It kind of matches my mood inside. Feeling sluggish, depressed, and exhausted.

I’ve been having crazy dreams at night, which are leaving me feeling like I haven’t slept. Last night I dreamed that Trump died, but I was surrounded by Trumpers when I got the news and their grief and anger was so overwhelming, I had to pretend to be heartbroken too or I was afraid they would hurt me.

A couple nights ago, I had the EXACT same dream at least three times in a row, even waking up at the exact same moment. That dream was about some weird plot to invite everyone around to this huge mansion or castle-like building and then kill them all off one by one until only the mastermind behind the plot was left. Each time it got down to only the one guy left, I would wake up. It was strange because I wasn’t really in the dream either, it was more like I was watching it unfold from a viewing point, like watching a movie or something.

I’ve also been struggling a lot with insecurity in my relationship with my husband. He is doing everything he can to show me that he is sorry for hurting me in the past and is working on fixing his own emotional issues, but I still feel insecure and scared at times that he will somehow undo the progress he has made and go back to old habits.

Poetry – To Thine Own Self Be True

I don't want to write this poemSO I WON'T- marandarussell.com

Autistic Bath Towel Sensory Issues

So here is a sneak peek into what it is like to live with autism and sensory integration issues. Recently we bought some new bath towels because some of our old ones are in pretty bad shape. I love the bright new royal and navy blue towels we bought, but I can’t stand to use them yet. Why? They aren’t coarse enough yet.

You see, if I use a towel that is fluffy and soft, my body doesn’t like the feel of it, and even worse, I never feel like it is drying me – even though it is. It makes the whole bathing experience feel incomplete and messed up. I have to use the old, ragged towels until the new towels have been used by my husband and washed enough times that they lose their fluffy softness, so I can stand the feel of the fibers against my skin after a bath.

It probably sounds minor to you, but it is hard for me to see those beautiful new towels and know that I can’t use them or it will drive me crazy. I don’t want to use the faded, ugly ones, but they do provide a superior drying experience. Ugh, I know – first world autistic problems, right? But it is annoying.