Lavinia Thompson's Blog: Seeking reviewers! , page 13

Another road astray led me home

“This one’s for you and me

Living out our dreams

We’re all right where we should be

With my arms out wide

I’ve opened my eyes

And now all I want to see

Is a sky full of lighters…”

Bruno Mars

Life can often take us away from the road where we are following our dreams. Sometimes the road we are on is the road we think we should be on, where we think we are following our dreams. Sometimes that road simply leads us astray.

Sometimes you find yourself lost out there, looking around for something familiar but anything familiar you knew has been left behind in a suitcase in that ditch of wildflowers. Nothing feels quite the same. The core of who you are is hollow. Mornings feel like a cold cup of coffee in a Canadian winter and nights feel like a lost hockey game that can’t be saved. That feeling of restless emptiness can last for months, sometimes years.

In the past year, I found myself standing in that ditch beside that old suitcase, with its beat up leather and faded stickers from glory days gone by. That suitcase was what my life had been for the last few years; photos of a love gone cold, a childhood shattered by bare alcoholic hands, that little girl who spent her years screaming in the depths of my soul. But my life as I knew it was changing. My relationship ended. He walked out the door like it never even mattered to him and I guess after everything I ever did for him, it never really did. I lost a friend or two over the ordeal. I had to let them go; backstabbers and gossips during a break up do nothing but fuel the fires of anger and hostility that are already raging. I had to look at my life again and wonder I was really going, where this road to anywhere would take me.

My goal has always been a simple one. I want to be a full-time writer. But for being so simple, it is astounding how years have passed by that I didn’t even see; how everything changed yet stayed the same, and how, the night he left, I found myself right back to where I started: alone, wondering who my friends really were, and asking why people are so damn cruel. I remember when he said I’ll never get anywhere, sent in a cowardly text message because I guess he wasn’t man enough to say it to my face.

I had to take account of what I had built on since my little gypsy life had left the highway. It was a house with its unfinished renovations, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to get everything done living on a near-minimum wage job. It was a crowd of fur babies I called my family; three cats and two dogs who stood by me when people I considered close friends decided believing gossip was more important than friendship. It was the friends I did have left, the loyal ones who knew who I was all along and supported me when I needed it. It was my family, as always, my mother and siblings, there when I needed anything.

From there I kept going forward. From there, that suitcase got set on fire and left behind, only the flames leaving embers to remind me anything had existed there at all. And by the time you read this, I’ll be onto the next road, with a new suitcase of notebooks and pens and story ideas, ready to step back into the writing world. The way that relationship and its ending drained me also left me drained of inspiration. I’ve touched my book a few times here and there, just to end up frustrated with where it was going and walking away. But the coffee doesn’t get left cold any more and I can’t walk away from writing the way I thought I might this time.

So instead of posting another poem tonight in a feeble attempt to just keep the blog barely updated, here is a real update. Nothing can ever stop me from writing. Not the man who destroyed my childhood and certainly not a man who is unable to hold a job because he is lazy and likes to break up with me over text messaging. It is time to get back to what I love and chase the dream again. So, my blog has a makeover and I am diving back into “Edge of Glory” with the help of the new man in my life who will be helping me with the songs. Let’s face it, song writing and novel writing come from two totally different worlds. I know how to tackle this book now. So back to it.

“By the time you hear this

I will have already spiralled up

I would never do nothing to let you cowards fuck my world up

If I was you I would duck or get struck by lightening

Fighters keep fighting, hold your lighters up,

Point them skyward…” ~ Eminem

Photo by Lavinia Thompson

 

New Poem ~ Let Them Die

Nostalgia lingers

in the way

roses retain beauty;

stemming tall

in a vintage vase

or torn apart

across the floor

in desperate rage.

Crumpled petals,

crinkled sheets of poetry,

for love only makes you suffer

in the end,

holds secrets against you,

dangles them in your face

just to leave you alone.

Slamming doors;

echoing screams,

heartaches and lace,

I can no longer fight.

Cigarette smoke

over floral remnants,

ripped apart.

Numbness, it’s a cage.

Love, it’s a rage,

keeps roses breathing

or shreds them alive.

I would rather

let them die.

Withered beauty;

watched it decay to black.

Shadow in the distance;

that’s the last I remember

of you leaving, knowing

I couldn’t destroy you

from afar

though I wanted to

and I tried.

Trashed the letters,

burned the pictures.

You refused to fight

and I wish I could hurt you now.

You sold me out, salvaged only yourself.

Shattered vase;

roses and water in moonlight,

darker shade of romance.

It doesn’t live here anymore,

I swore it never would again.

The bottle is empty tonight,

leather and lace,

whiskey and cigarettes.

I’ll go down to the bar

to remind you what you did,

to let the world know too

though I still go home alone.

Nostalgia lingers

in the way

roses retain beauty

stemming tall

or torn apart

in desperate rage.

Morning hangover,

coffee the only constant anymore.

I don’t ever want to hear

you still love me.

Heart of darkness

yearns only to destroy you.

Love, it’s a rage

keeps roses breathing

or shreds them alive.

I would rather

let them die.

 

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Ghosts

You can kill the ghost

of a no good man;

leave remnants to wither

into nothing

but it never

set me free…

no it never…

Let me be.

This town is full of

old goodbyes, abandoned promises

on street corners.

Stood weeping by

main street traffic lights

and you just walked out my door

like it never mattered at all.

It never did matter to you…

no you never…

think of me.

when you’re long gone.

Lonely highway,

vacant words,

empty rooms.

December is as cold

as July’s goodbye.

Just burn

the whole damn thing down.

I am through

letting one more ghost

haunt this town

because never did you think

your leaving would set me free…

no never did you think…

I’d kill the ghost

of a no good man

and now you want back

what we had

but the locks are changed,

the key

in someone else’s hands;

a flawed heart

once in pieces,

scraped up into a box

but it’s perfect in his eyes

and I’m never

going back again,

leaving remnants to wither

into nothing

never did it matter to you

and never did you think

you’d set me free.

New Poem ~ Soft Poet’s Weeps

Just a poem I wrote last year… enjoy

I saw the wildflowers

and I felt the beat;

wild summer heat,

standing still

atop a hill

wondering

where is the will?

To leave.

Always thought

we’d do better.

Little love letter

promised it all.

I took the fall;

rhythm and rhyme.

If I could go

back in time

I would…

Maybe say no

when you told me so,

that you loved me.

Clarity of dusk

whispers I must

make up my mind,

maybe leave you behind.

It scares me…

How smoothly this seeps

like a soft poet’s weeps.

I wish I knew

what to do.

They tell me don’t settle;

I could find better.

Chill of night,

another fight

to keep saying I love you.

Don’t know what else to do.

I could…

I could leave

if I still believe

in gypsy’s flight,

strange delight.

I wish I knew then

what I do now

and I wish I knew

how to say it to you.

 

A Little Colder

It’s a little colder without me now
isn’t it?
Now that snow has fallen
delicate,
you say you were stupid to leave me;
I agree.

You feel left out in the cold now
don’t you?
You took me for granted, left me
to sleep alone.
You say you miss me desperately;
just leave.

Sensing the chill of a frigid goodbye now
aren’t you?
You thought a slamming door would break me;
not so.
Took another shot of rum,
let you go.

Never thought I’d find a better man now
did you?
Winter’s storm only feels cruel
to you.
I’m not the one sleeping alone
in the night.

It’s far too late for you to come back now;
you fucked up,
destroyed what we had with nothing,
but I survive.
You’re just a boy, couldn’t be a real man.
I don’t need you.

It’s a lot colder without me now
isn’t it?
Now that snow blankets the city
heavily,
you say you were stupid to leave but
you set me free.

 

 

Photo by Lavinia Thompson

New Poem ~ Like Crystal

Under a fingernail moon

I thought of you;

in the dark of early morning

shadows find a way into crevices

of the soul

but you are

that little moment before the sun

stretches across the prairie,

rips open the world with light,

makes everything magical, brand new…

that’s how I think of you.

Sliver of a celestial sphere;

I wonder if one could hold it

would it be like crystal

or would it just be cold?

But you are

some stunning illumination

deep in the night

there in my horizons.

You found a way to crash through

when I swore

no one else ever would.

A lonely train bathed in silver light;

there’s a one way track

in and out of this town.

I thought about taking it

the day he walked out my door.

Enough with streets full of goodbyes,

the old gypsy soul yearned

to chase the stars again

but you are

the touch that shook me up,

the spirit wild enough

to run with mine.

Stood beneath a fingernail moon,

light of morning,

skies dusted pink

as the sun rips open the world,

makes everything magical, brand new.

Scars and old wounds mean nothing

when you learn to love again

and though I said I never would

you just might be the exception

I’ve been looking for.

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Crystal Remnants

Stood at your door

beneath an August moon;

full sphere like a crystal ball

after midnight,

smoking cigarettes

in the dark.

You crashed through

my horizons

before I knew you were there,

some witchery fascination

when two gazes meet,

chaos and anarchy

of a rebel love

settles into peace

when you’re close enough

to touch

and the remnants

of never-ending lust

is glitter sprinkled amidst

stars. 

New poem ~ Goodbye Town

A goodbye town

I can’t seem to say goodbye to.

Wildflowers

scattered along hills,

petals waving softly,

out to vagabonds and gypsies

on the highway

where so much as their shadows

will never be seen again.

As for me…

I am still here…

Standing on Main Street;

Cigarettes,

Friday night alcohol

in bars lining the streets,

all the people

who have been here too long,

too many years seeing the

same streets, same faces,

an old sky over head,

ancient blinking stars

around the vintage moon.

As for me…

I watch tail lights…

Of those who have left,

long gone

into nothing,

waving a dismal goodbye,

leaving these streets

a little more desolate.

With every day I go

a little more crazy,

wondering just how behind am I

in my own life?

Watching old friends marry,

have kids and move away

As for me…

I just can’t seem

to step beyond these city limits.

And I’ve said it a million times;

“I’m leaving”.

But come sunrise when I’m

standing at the doorway,

highway wind in my face

I can’t move along

the way I always wanted to

and you moved on as if

I never existed in your life.

Saw you playing the blues

on a downtown corner,

reminded me of when

I would sit, awe struck by you,

two nomadic spirits, simple and free.

Now you’re gone.

As for me

I am standing still,

staying as strong

as wildflowers on the hill…

Wondering if that

was your shadow passing me by.

Staring at the phone asking

if I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.

I just can’t burn it all to the ground.

I just can’t shake all these ghosts

sticking around the same way I do.

I just stand out where the grass

grows nearly taller than me,

out where even the petals

are more free than me,

flying away on a summer gust.

As for me…

I’m still here

in a goodbye town

I just can’t say goodbye to.

Subtle Tear

Subtle reminders of you

in every crevice of my house;

ghosts and whispers,

late night sex,

cigarettes.

You said my words were

erotic gold

but I gave them away

to someone else one night

after you were already long gone.

I got in the door,

a little bit drunk

and hung over from you.

Lace and leather,

denim and satin,

delicate and strong,

vagabonds move on.

Cigar smoke in the same room

where we fucked

wild and free

now look at me.

Say it never meant a thing;

I know when you tell a lie.

There was a time

I would do anything for you.

Tonight I want to drink

until I forget,

maybe call him up again,

somewhere to run to.

Endless highways, silly love songs,

wedding plans, a soft touch,

what the hell is the difference anyways?

In the end it seemed

we were no more than

brushing hands,

lovers not meant to be

cause the truth is

I don’t need you anymore.

Subtle reminders of you,

poetry draws a tear

but only one this time.

I stand a little taller,

I’ll get a little stronger,

I’ll love a little deeper

next time

but for tonight I would

take him to my bed

just to forget about you,

fill the same room with smoke

from a different fire.

I don’t need you anymore.

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Poem ~ Darkness of Hearts

Storms roll in,

mixing with anger

and summer heat;

open hearts savagely torn,

old scars ripped up,

lies of venom, your poison

in my blood.

Thief of innocence,

helping yourself

to how naïve I was.

You played the game

and I guess you won…

Slamming door

on the night you left.

Silence of this house;

thought ghosts of you

would consume me.

Stained lace frayed,

worn out love,

there was nothing left

of us here anyways.

An empty bottle

come and gone,

one more lover

who had enough…

Rain pouring down

across a lonely prairie,

reminders of long nights screaming

as a little girl, when he was

in my bed, in over my head,

the first poison in my veins,

the last demon I need

exorcised from this ravaged soul.

You used his abuse against me,

made me take the blame

for how we fell apart.

I fell to my knees.

I was begging,

crying…

Darkness of hearts

consumed me…

How dare you play me for so long?

And how dare you blame me for it all?

How could you move on so fast

after all we’ve been through?

Was it all a lie?

Is love just a collection of things

people say on a whim

when they want something?

You said you loved me,

you fucked me,

and you left me alone again

to wonder…

I want the storm.

I want gales to destroy anything

left of you and me.

I want thunder to bellow so loudly

it awakens you in your sleep

and you’ll think of me.

I want lightening to remind you

what you left behind

and let the rain remind you fondly

of me, jumping through puddles

while furies raged over head.

You will never get away from

the storms of me.

You will forever be haunted

by the woman who let you in again.

But I will stand on my own

next time…

And I,

I stood out in the rain

and the gales

and the thunder, the lightening

and I let it destroy

anything that was left

of you and me…