Lavinia Thompson's Blog: Seeking reviewers! , page 10

Hello again!

Hey everyone! It's been a while since I've been on Goodreads. I did some revamping on my account earlier this year but haven't been active, so I thought I'd drop an update.

I went through a divorce three years ago and took the long road back to managing my mental health and getting back to where writing was a joy to me and not a chore. Through all of this, I've had to re-evaluate my life, the direction it's taking and what that looks like for my writing future.

I shelved "Edge of Glory" for the time being. Shocking, I know, because those of who know me, know how much that book and the characters mean to me. I pulled all my old notes for the fantasy series a few months ago, but I honestly don't know when or if I will get back to those. I started a crime fiction/mystery series in January 2019 and that sparked the joy I once had for writing. I am proud to say the first book in the "Beyond Dark" series, "Belladonna", (as some of you followed on Wattpad) will be self-published this fall! I am so proud of this series so far. For those of you who haven't followed on Wattpad, "Beyond Dark" is a combination of murder, mafia and mayhem. It follows Alyssa Rawkesby, a veteran criminal profiler, and her rookie partner, Thayer Volikov, as they chase serial killers and break up mafia shenanigans. So, stay tuned for that. There is also a spinoff called "Beyond Cover" that focuses on undercover agents. Both series, in first drafts, are available as I write them on Wattpad and Booksie.

That being said, I will do my best to be more active here, liven up this blog once more and get back to some reading! I miss reviewing books and soaking in what's out there. My website and the blog there also had a revamp, and will be seeing some new stuff coming up, including exclusive insights into "Belladonna", so be sure to check that out and sign up for the email updates! Lots to come.

I hope everyone is staying safe and well! Take care!

~ Lavvy

Look at me, a new aesthetic!

This is a quick update! Actually, low key an excuse to show off the exquisite revamp this blog has gone through. (More on that later.) I realize it has once again been a while. The truth is, I never really know what to do with a blog but go on occasional life or writing-related rants so here we are.

There are a few updates regarding “Beyond Dark 1: Belladonna”. Edits on my end are DONE. Which means it goes off to the editor soon and will be ready to publish this fall sometime, winter at the latest. This is exciting times. A start to new era of life for me. I’ve been saying that for a while now, but that’s truly what this is. I am growing out of who I was in my 20s, the multiple versions of me I was throughout that decade. It’s a journey, and this is another step in that journey.

“Beyond Dark” has shown me what kind of writer I want to be, and what kind of writer I am capable of being. I am so proud of how far the book has come from incipience to its release into the world. I hope everyone comes to adore these characters the way I have, and to enjoy the struggles and triumphs of their stories. I promise, this is only the beginning. This will be a long series and I am committed to see it through. I believe in it.

With that being said, I have contemplated what I want this blog to be, how it can accompany my journey as a writer outside of being an occasional ranting space. Since I now post all my poetry on Wattpad, updates on this blog are even less consistent. But here are some things I am considering:

- Discussions of what inspires each book of the series, from the crime to the characters.

- Share some more character aesthetics and profile snippets.

- Posts about specific serial killers I find fascinating (as I am forever coming across those) and perhaps some dissecting of psychology?

I guess I am still discovering my “author brand” so to speak. It changes as does the soul.

Feel free to let me know what you think of the new aesthetic and to suggest ideas for future content! Stay well, everyone!

Let in Something New

I’ve said it before and I say it again: being in my 30s is such a weird time. In my first year of this decade, most of who I was in my 20s has been shredded and abandoned for who I am becoming. But who is that? And what do I do with these leftover pieces of that girl who clambered her way to stand here, astounded to still be alive?

In the last four or five years alone, my life has undergone immense changes. I got married and divorced. My favourite bar closed, which marked the end of an era for me. An era of partying, close friends, karaoke nights and that place to go when life crumbled. I dated then decided it wasn’t for me and embraced being single. One of my favourite stores is now closing. A retro clothing shop that helped me discover myself in my 20s, where I got my wedding dress and it became a happy place for me. These last few years saw me fall into what seemed to be an interminable darkness where I was suicidal and my mother thought every unknown number on her phone was that call. I couldn’t seem to comprehend all these changes and growing up to top of the trauma I already live with.

I am no longer in that place. It’s different now. I am growing into someone else and I don’t know who she is yet. All of the pieces of who I used to be are irrelevant. It’s not me anymore and yet the people around me still have this image, this assumption that it’s still me.

As a teenager and well into my 20s I was a complete hippie. That was my identity, my aesthetic, everything. It was my belief system. After leaving my ex-husband, I went through a lot of changes. I haven't been much of a hippie for close to three years now. Especially since starting "Beyond Dark", I sort of began aligning my new self with Alyssa. Tough, fierce, blunt, but with a softer side. Embracing the side of me that loves psychology and true crime. I dared to step out into a different identity, right down to dressing and thinking differently. Many celebrities I loved (John Lennon, Don Cherry, etc) I learned were not who they seemed to be and quit following their beliefs and them as people.

John Lennon - goodness. My mother LOVED the Beatles and still does to this day. As a teen, I read tons about Lennon and his beliefs, bed-ins for peace and him and Yoko and I idolized him for so many years. Up until this year, basically. When I found out he actually used to beat his first wife and he was racist. This image I had of a peaceful man crumbled. I have since gotten rid of all traces of him from my house. I had books, posters, quotes, all I accumulated and subsequently got rid of.

And Don Cherry - a prior hockey coach, Stanley Cup winner with Boston in 1960-something, I also idolized him. I was obsessed with hockey. It was another identity of mine. Someone else I aligned myself with. I spent years wearing hockey sweaters, memorizing stats and players and records. There was a time when I could tell you who won the Stanley Cup every year from 1970 to the current season. Well, late last year, Cherry was fired from his long-time job at CBC Hockey Night in Canada for going on a racist tangent in the middle of the show. I stopped watching hockey a few years ago, though still enjoyed watching the intermission show with him and Ron MacLean.

This all comes at a time of my life when I am trying to understand racism and how systematic racism works. Both of those pieces of my past were so hard to let go of. I just... it killed pieces of me. Truly. And now that I no longer align with either Lennon or Cherry, I am in this place where I am stepping out as a version of me that doesn't align with anyone else. The point of all this, is that I cannot escape that stigma of who I used to be. Hockey girl. Hippie. So-and-so’s ex-wife. Turning 31 found me not only surprised to still be here, but struggling to dispose of these labels people still apply to me.

My ex-sister-in-law, with whom I am still close, and I went for dinner last night. During a conversation, she referred to me as a hippie. I take no offense to it, it's who I was for so long. I even went along with it. But that was my true moment of realizing how much that girl I have shed from myself. That I have no growing room in this town.

But I’ve lived in the past just as much. It’s terrifying to peel off those labels to see what’s newly growing underneath, because I really don’t know who I am going to be from here. It is time to leave the old pieces behind and let the new growth take roots.

I’ll never know what it brings unless I let in.

Maybe I've just been home too long...

Welcome back to my poor, neglected blog. Guess who’s popped back up from the abyss of editing?

I’ve been laid off from work for a month and a half now. In that time, I’ve completed the major edits on “Beyond Dark 1: Belladonna”. I have some minor ones to finish, then it’s off to the editor next month. Why does editing always feel like it will never end?

With two weeks to go before I return to work, I’ll finish this editing, finish watching “Luther”, re-binge “FBI”, read, and can focus once more on simply writing. The first 10 chapters of ,,“Beyond Dark 2: Unwilling Sons” are posted on Wattpad. “Belladonna” focused on Alyssa. “Unwilling Sons” lets us look into Thayer’s life and history.

ALSO, I am ecstatic to inform everyone that I also started a spinoff series. “Beyond Cover” explores the world of undercover agents, within the same fictional realm as the original series. Alyssa and Thayer give us a glimpse into the mafia, but Jonathan and Emily will draw us further into the underworld, working to keep their undercover colleague, Dwayne, alive. In the first book, “Living in Shadows”, Emily is undercover as a jewel thief and Dwayne’s daughter, as a way of watching out for him. Yet she soon finds herself into some trouble of her own when $50,000 worth of diamonds go missing and she has to summon her inner jewel thief to find them once more before their superiors discover the mishap. Be sure to check out ,,Patreon for character descriptions and extra content. The first chapters of this are also on ,,Wattpad.

This is my first time writing a spinoff. I had it planned for months, though I wasn't sure where to start. Once I was laid off, I had time to sit and make character profiles and do some planning. It’s fun to explore other areas of a fictional world not fully covered by the main storyline. I originally wanted to put Dwayne’s story into the original series, but it couldn’t seem to find a place. That’s usually an indication there is too much happening at once, so it went to the backburner. As I got into Jonathan and Emily’s character profiles, I just knew I wanted to write more about them.

Let’s not talk about the fact my insane self has two other spinoffs planned… hey, if Dick Wolf can do multiple “Law and Order” spinoffs, I can do it too. That’s the level of committed crazy I aspire to be. I also grew up reading “Nancy Drew” and “Sherlock Holmes”. There is something that feels like coming home with those long series. “Beyond Dark” will have 14 books - that’s a rough estimate and is bound to change. I am not sure yet about “Beyond Cover.” I am still plotting out the entire story arc, but I think it may be shorter. My Discord writing group would cackle at me right now and say “Yeah, right, Lav!” And they’re probably correct. They know me too well.

Anyway, that’s my update. I hope everyone is staying safe and well in these chaotic times. Take care of and love yourself and each other.

Beyond Dark 1: Belladonna COVER REVEAL!

I hope everyone is well, social distancing and staying sane through all this madness. I myself am on a 14-day self-isolation. I do not have COVID-19, but I was potentially exposed, so I am doing the safe thing and staying home. I have plenty of writing to keep me busy.

That being said, I have a few housekeeping items before I reveal the cover. I have the rewrite of "Belladonna" complete with some chapters left to post to Wattpad. In the meantime, I am working on character profiles for Book 2, titled "Unwilling Sons", before I begin rewriting that.

I sat down recently and made out a loose timeline of the story and character arcs (which are all subject to change, of course). As of right now, there will be 13 books in this series, and a spin off (this is still in its planning stages, but we meet the main characters of it, Emily and Jonathan, in "Belladonna".) While the series focuses on criminal psychology, Alyssa's specialty with female serial killers, and Thayer's expertise in the Russian mafia, the spinoff will focus on undercover agents and their adventures delving deeper in the mafia and even a cult. I don't know yet when this will start to get posted. I will update everyone when I know more.

BUT as promised, this week is the public cover reveal for "Beyond Dark 1: Belladonna"! I hope you all love the OFFICIAL cover as much as I do. Shout out to LaLimaDesign over at SelfPubBookCovers.com for the design and for making a modification to it. I am really happy to support fellow artists, especially at times like these. Stay safe and healthy everyone!

From One Shelf to Another

I really hate walking away from a writing project. Really, really loathe it.

But I’ve been struggling immensely with the “Edge of Glory” rewrite and I am having trouble making it work. So, I’ve made a change to my self-publishing plans this year.

“Edge of Glory” is being shelved for now this year, until I can return to it and figure out why I am struggling with it so much. I absolutely wanted it released this summer, but I also want my books to be the best they can be when they go out into the world. And right now, “Edge of Glory” is far from being its best.

A part of me wonders if sometimes us writers outgrow projects, or if we simply don’t let the project grow with us. I was a different person when I began rewriting “Edge of Glory” from scratch six or seven years ago. I started it when I was a teenager, lost the original draft in a house fire, and then was yet again a different person when I began working on it once more. In the past three years alone, I’ve transformed into someone new. I think that is where the flaw is hiding, in this sliver of who I used to be, whereas I need to find a way to make the story grow with me. Become a part of who I am now.

Our stories become such a part of our souls, a piece of who we are in a certain time and place. A fractured glimpse of who we were in the past and who we are becoming. As our skills and visions as writers change, so too do we as people, and then our stories change.

In “Edge of Glory”, Lindsay is in some ways a reflection of who I was when I was young. Sometimes, that is difficult to revisit, but I feel like it’s an important era of my life to revisit, to close the book on, to close this book on. But I am having trouble writing my way through the book. It still needs a lot of work and love and nurturing to become what I have envisioned for it.

I don’t want to publish a book until it fits the vision I have for it. When I publish something, I want it to be the best it can be, to be eloquent in both the words and appearance. You, my beloved readers, have waited a long time for “Edge of Glory” and I want to ensure the wait is worth it. So, for now, I am going to work on it in the background to restructure and figure out how to make it grow with me, instead of leaving it behind completely, and without changing the characters you have come to love.

You’re all still getting a release from me this year, though. Instead, “Beyond Dark 1: Belladonna” is going to be released sometime this fall. The draft of my crime fiction series is currently available on Wattpad, in a stage of rewriting. I’ll also have a cover reveal coming to you soon for “Belladonna”! I cannot wait to share it with you. My readers over on Patreon will get an early glimpse of the cover, before I release it publicly.

Also, keep an eye out on Wattpad later this year for the spinoff series, “Beyond Dark: Undercover”. More murder, mafia and mayhem in the world of undercover agents, delving into secret lives of mobsters, our beloved agents and corrupt officials.

One project is being shelved, but there is so much more to come.

Hope Incipient

Becoming something new has uprooted what that kept me immobilized for so long. This is the first time in many years that I have felt an effulgent hope. It’s only a crack in a window through which a sliver of light creeps through. But it’s a start. That’s all I need.

There have been multiple changes since I posted here in August. “Edge of Glory” still has a tentative release date for 2020, though it got pushed to this summer. I am halfway through the rewrite stage, and will have to do some further editing, though I hope to have it off to my editor for early spring/late winter. The working draft is currently available on Wattpad.

I got about five books into the crime fiction series “Beyond Dark” before my co-author backed out – she was unable to keep up with time commitments. Life happens. It means our original series goes back to what it was and I carry on solo with “Beyond Dark”, adding new characters and revamping the mafia storyline. I am really excited for this one. For those of you who haven’t yet, check out the working draft on Wattpad. The first book, “Belladonna” is posted up to chapter 16. Alyssa and Thayer have both become endearing to readers. Thayer was supposed to be a temporary character, but as these figments of imagination like to do, he entered his own storyline and it expanded as he won the hearts of readers. “Beyond Dark: Belladonna” will be my next publishing project once the first “Edge of Glory” is finally out into the world.

I created a Patreon for my writing projects. The various tiers offer different levels of exclusive content. Patreon is also now the official home of the “Thayer Fan Club”. He captured the hearts of readers and so I want to give his followers extra content, sneak peeks, glimpses into his character in detail, deleted scenes, and much more. And of course, there will be plenty of content from our beloved rock and roll rebels in “Edge of Glory”. Eventually, I am going to set up an online shop where merch from both “Beyond Dark” and “Edge of Glory” will be available, as well as some stuff for my poetry. I am still working out details for this.

As artists and writers, we are so fortunate to live in a time where we have access to various platforms to release our works to the world. No longer are we constrained to publishing companies, magazines and trudging through rejection slips – though it’s still a valid option. But now we have self-publishing. We have online platforms like Wattpad or Booksie where we can build up a readership and bring that to other platforms such as Patreon and online shops. Poetry is no longer only in books. It can add literary magic to a coffee mug, or be available as individual prints, or on throw cushions. Our options are as vast as our imaginations. And our imaginations are quite endless.

My hope for the future is incipient, a new flower between pavement cracks, but it’s there and growing. It’s opening a heart that has been closed off and gently drawing out a soul that became reclusive and scared to take on the world. After battling mental illness, we don’t always re-enter the world as a wrecking ball. Sometimes it’s in small steps, taking on one thing at a time until it all feels manageable again. Until there are dreams daring to flare up from the ashes.

It’s taken me a long time to get to a place of optimism. Where I can look back on each day as it ends and say “it was a good day.” It’s nothing exhilarating or mind-blowing. I get up, write for a bit, go to work, come home, write then go to bed. Then repeat.

But I’m no longer suicidal. Depression isn’t winning anymore. I’m no longer interested whatsoever in dating. I feel no need for a relationship. Each day, I get to write. The one thing I love endlessly. I get to do what I love every day and little by little, I work towards my goals of publishing and becoming a full-time author. It feels so uplifting to be chasing this dream like I was at 19 or 20. Before the toxic relationships and the distractions. I got sidetracked from what I really want in life. But I’m finally back on track, finally focused. I’ve got many stories left in me. Many years of writing, publishing and sharing the worlds inside my head with all of you who have stuck by me. You mean more to me than any words I could string together. The best I can give back are my stories and poetry that you have enjoyed for this long.

Thank you. I promise, the best is yet to come.

Musings ~ A Sign of Life

Eventually you have to be unafraid of yourself and who you’re becoming. To embrace the signs of life stirring within, showing that a self-transformation is about to rise. Fear of change is natural. Metathesiophobia is in every human being.

But it is a newfound metanoia which I have been pursuing. It took me the better part of the two years since leaving my marriage to get here. The arduous road of spiralling depression, non-existent self-esteem and barely clambering by with what remained of myself. Some days it was with hesitant baby steps, but I was on my feet. Others, I was crawling towards the end of the day when I could hide under the covers of safety once more.

I am not coming back. I am not returning to who I was or merely resurrecting an old version of myself. This is a chrysalis. The pieces are being left behind in a pile where they are no longer required. Old, fractured, chipped and irrelevant. I am tired of that life. Reusing the same old shards when all they do is cut and damage. Standing in one place while the world moves on around me. Lingering in shadows when all it takes is a few steps into the light.

You won’t recognize this version. This isn’t the girl who was so continuously shattered over what used to be. There’s a new vibrance to this soul. A new hair colour. A different wardrobe. A resolved resiliency to carry on. Hell, I even began writing in a different genre, and I think it’s the one where I belong.

Fear not. “Edge of Glory” is still on its way to publication. This month, while on my three weeks off, I am editing the first of the series and then hopefully getting it sent to my editor by the New Year. So, 2020 is my tentative release date for it.

While “Edge of Glory” was on editing hiatus, however, I started a crime fiction series, inspired by a cowrite my best friend and I have been working on for years. The main character, Alyssa, a female criminal profiler, prompted me into this one. I created her as a character in an alternate-universe story my co-author and I were writing for our book for fun. I came to love Alyssa so much I couldn’t fathom discarding her character. She’s strong, resilient, intelligent, yet reckless when angry and has a softer side. Like that gentle rain right as a thunderstorm is calming.

It’s weird, sometimes, how in creating characters we find pieces of ourselves. My co-author told me once: “There is more Alyssa in you than you know.”

She knows me better than anyone. It got me thinking. Many of the positive personality traits I’ve put into Alyssa’s character are things I aspire to be, and yet many of her flaws reflect myself. The difficulty apologizing, shutting down instead of opening up to others and trying to do far too much alone for far too long. It started this self-transformation stage. Writing her character helped me evaluate my own flaws and their roots.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life stuck in a cycle of miserable depression. Standing still in a glass house of isolation I’ve built for myself over the last two years. Pushing everyone away while withdrawing further into shadows, trying not to exist at all. Trying to vanish without killing myself. Living like this has truly started to drive me crazy. There are nights I am still up, restless at 3 a.m. and break out in anger, breaking dishes and yelling for no one to hear. Crying in the bath. Sleeping all day. Barely making it to work on time.

I hit a wall. Well, crashed into said wall and finally broke the remnants of myself. As I stood in the wreckage, contemplating how many times I could continue picking up these pieces time and time again, it occurred to me:

What if... I abandoned these pieces and started all over? If rock bottom is truly the bottom, why take back out what should stay in the barrel? Hauling those pieces out with me every other time hasn’t worked. No wonder I feel like I’m losing my mind, doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results.

So, fuck it. I turned 30 this year. It’s time to leave behind who I was in my 20s and embrace transformation. I want to soak in life with the same aeipathy I have used to write this new series.

Alyssa is also in this transition stage in the first three installments of “Beyond Dark”, following a breakup that’s left her desolate and heartbroken when nothing else seems to go right and she has a serial killer to catch. She needs to pull herself together rather quickly and leave the hurting for later.

It’s a start. I’ve dyed my hair the same colour Alyssa did following her breakup: black cherry, from natural brunette. I even cut it a bit. It feels life changing. I even went shopping for some new clothes and bought a few things I’ve never really worn before but am excited for the wardrobe change, from a hippie photocopy of my mother, to a rocker-writer aesthetic purely my own, inspired by my Hogwarts house, Ravenclaw.

I was out a pub with my sister the other night, sober, yet hitting up one habit that’s never gone away for me: karaoke. Met a guy I wound up talking to all night. There was a great amount of laughter and jokes, with a Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow duet thrown in, and it was the first time in a long time I have laughed that much, sober. It was also the first time going out to the bar with my new hair, a new outfit, and new Alyssa-attitude.

And the Alyssa-ism worked. He and I were discussing how difficult dating is, how fake people are and how men are always trying to be smooth players.

He at one point asked me, “Do I seem like a smooth guy to you?”

Without missing a beat and summoning my inner Alyssa, I bluntly said, “No.”

“Thank you!” he exclaimed. “Most women would have fed my ego, but you! I like you.”

All right, then. We’ll see what happens. Regardless, it was an uplifting moment to let my newness shine through. To let someone see what I am aspiring to be, and not the old me of the past two years, who was so terrified of socializing and getting back out there to talk to men. To have him look at me like I was something new.

Because I am.

"Beyond Dark" can be found over on Wattpad!

#2019 #writinglife #update #musings #transformation #BeyondDark #crimefiction #depression #Wattpad

Mother’s Day Poem ~ Outdoor Lights

The gypsy feet could walk

a million miles

through a thousand cities.

I could get lost

in outdoor lights

and none are the one

I keep looking for;

feet to pavement,

heart in hand,

still leading me

back home again.

The estranged heart could live

forever drifting

with butterflies

atop wildflowers, beneath

cherry blossom trees by the sea.

Petals on skin,

feeling

close to you again.��

And I could get lost

in the rain in the strangest place.

At 2 am, I’ll always hear

your words in my head

when I need them most,

when I don’t know the one

in the mirror anymore.

When everything is wrong,

mistakes make a fool out of me,

I find her in photos of you

or in a phone call back home

to remind me I am

always my mother’s daughter.

The outdoor light could go out

but you leave it on,

shining brightly

for my suitcase and crazy spirit

to find my way home,

standing still beneath your

warmth in a darkest night,

feet to pavement

heart in hand

finding me

back home again.

Mothers are that special charm
Photo by Lavinia Thompson

��

��

��

Poetry Friday ~ Dream of Rainy Days

I dream of rainy days,

sultry skin tangled,

sleepy eyes,

blank book pages.

Instead I’m stuck in traffic

again.

Coffee in hand,

another dead end job.

But I live for

coming home to you,

laughter bouncing between walls

like ecstatic clowns

in a circus balloon.

Monday is like decaf coffee

to an exhausted soul.

Friday is the cocktail

I’ve craved all week.

Saturday is for sleeping in

next to you.

And I keep saying

there’s something more.

Needed a drink before noon.

Maybe restless, maybe reckless,

maybe need more than

dull adulthood.

Then there’s you;

4 a.m. vodka,

your sleepy eyes

capture my soul

every time

and I never felt more alive

than knowing you’re there

even when I close my eyes.