Rachel Thompson's Blog, page 7

When You Get More Than You Can Handle by guest @1JULIEANDERSON

God won’t give you more than you can handle
by Julie Anderson

God won’t give you more than you can handle.

Who said that?

“Ok,” I tell myself just when I am about to snap like a dried up twig.

“I can handle this. I can do it.”

 

Bring it on. I am invincible!

The cracks started to show in the summer of 2015. I began to seep venom and bile. My words came out in a hateful rush. They sliced away at those near and dear. It was time.

I upped my regular psychologist sessions and added a psychiatrist.

I played music loud.

I worked out for two hours every day.

I took photographs.

I fought hard.

Seams about to pop. Uh-ho.

“Well, let’s try this. Take two of these in the morning and one of those by midday. They should help your mood and your depression.” said my Psychiatrist.

Onward ho!

Music played – even louder.

Nights filled with vivid dreams.

I don’t remember when the last time I dreamt was.

It was a welcome visual spectacle – even if those dreams were nightmares.

Then in December of 2015, to be precise, the dial of what I could handle was turned to max. I caught the first flight home, one of my parents was diagnosed with stage four cancer.

Landed. Rented a car, and pushed that little plastic box on wheels to 100 mph. Drove fast and furious after no sleep, straight to the hospital. Straight into the ER. That was the beginning of our 30-day visit. We celebrated Christmas, well not really, in ICU. Thirty days of brown water labeled coffee. Freezing temperatures. Broken hearts and tears.That was how 2015 waved goodbye, and that was how 2016 started. We were the lucky ones who still had our family member, who still was bedridden in the hospital. Thirty days. Funny how time drags when you are exhausted and scared.

It has become a ritual. Back and forth for me between east and west coast. Back and forth for my parents (and myself -when I am there) between Doctor appointments, chemo, MRI scans, blood work. Doctors and more Doctors, for them.

During the months that followed, I cried into the phone to my psychologist once a week and found my way to my psychiatrist office twice a month.

Not to worry, God only gives you what you can handle, right?

While on one of my kamikaze visits East during 2016, I picked up a return passenger. My oldest son. Brilliant, beautiful, funny, loving son. Who happens to be addicted to heroin. He asked for help. So he came home.

I finally had all three of my children with me. They are my life, well and truly.

All three are damaged in one way or another. Because of me, their father, society and of course the mental illness issues that they inherited. The nasty teeth of depression have sunk deep into my babies fragile souls.

AA, Narconon, family therapy … hey hey, we can do this!!

“Nothing is stopping us from healing, except ourselves,” I preached.

Cheering along my eldest, trying to hang onto my middle child before self-destruction was complete and holding close my youngest. Who am I kidding? Ours is a very dysfunctional home.

What a laugh. Really.

God only gives you what you can handle.

Onward. Ever onward.

Back and forth between east and west…

I go home every two months, to check in. Making sure the parents are behaving, taking care of themselves. Making sure I soak up more time with them.

Holding tight…my mother’s hand.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Back on the couch with the psychologist.

“Look at you, be proud of yourself you are not falling apart. You are a different woman. Last year you were barely hanging on. In fact, I thought for sure. I would be visiting you in the psych ward!”

I started laughing. Hysterically. There is nothing left to do but laugh.

God only gives you what you can handle.

HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Shuffling behind my psychiatrist, I comment on her shoes. I am always chirpy and polite like that. Her door closes.

“How have you been?”

HAAAAHAHAHHAAHHAHHA!!!!

Straight shooter, I lay it all out in front of her. Each and every stinking turd that has been delivered.

“Hey, it’s just life you know?”

Then we get cracking on the real stuff. PTSD. Major Depressive Disorder. OCD. Cyclothymia.

“That is funny you should mention that.” I say.

“I don’t listen to music anymore. Food does nothing for me. My interest in anything other than sleep is MEH.”

God gives you what you can handle.

Once again there was a family emergency. West coast this time. For now, this development is finally all I can handle.

I have not left my house since. Well actually I have, but in disguise. Quickly doing the bare minimum, maybe every other day. My main focus is drop off and pick up, from the school bus. And to buy cat food and human food. It is torture. I can’t seem to bring myself to do any more than that, out in the world.

Sorry if I don’t return your phone calls. Sorry if my email replies arrive three weeks late.

No, I can’t join you for dinner, drinks or girl time. Sorry.

I have nothing to say.

I nothing to offer.

I am overwhelmed with emotion.

 

God gave me too much to handle, and now I have to take care of myself.

I hope that music returns, I used to love listening to it.

I hope that I smile again, I know that makes my children feel safe.

I wish that soon I will be able to go out into the world without crying.

I wish I could sleep without memories flashing behind my eyes like an episode of American Horror story.

In the meantime, I am walking slowly. Cement blocks strapped to my feet.

I am breathing shallow breaths of amber oil, the only thing that I like anymore.

I am giving the finger to water restrictions and taking one sometimes two bubble baths a day.

I have to wash it all off, all of it.

I use a rough Korean washcloth, sloughing off dead skin, and years of depression, its a two for one…. a bogo!

But the hysterics, the laughter, all gone.

It is not funny anymore.

God gave me too much to handle.

Doesn’t he know that I am a delicate person who feels too deeply, for too long and carries the world on my shoulders?

A friend once mentioned that the project she was working on left her feeling as if she were used. Her exact words:

“Too much effort, with little or no return.”

During these dark days, I feel the same way. Too much effort, with little or no return.

It is as if everything that I have done, invested time in, sacrificed – has blown up right in my face. That is what major depression does, it colors your world BLACK.

Sometimes, my gut tells me to walk away. Walk right out the front door of my life and thumb it straight to Alaska. There amongst the towering trees, exposed to the elements, the searing physical pain would finally come from the outside, instead of within.

All is not lost. I know that. It is the new year!

Julie Anderson 2016. Photo credit Bruce Hulse

Time to be a NEW ME! Time to be the NEW US!

My son, the addict, is currently thriving in a dual diagnosis center that offers sober living. I hope it beats heroin. With all my being I pray that he does.

My self-destructing middle child finally has the help that wasdesperately needed. Maybe the desire to cut will become a distant memory.

My youngest child is working on expressing emotions and identifying needs. Instead of self medicating, the mode is to learn to self regulate.

It sucks to be a teenager. It sucks to be a young adult. It sucks to be an adult, who happens to be a parent in this crazy world. (Especially, if you are a little bit crazy yourself.)

***

 

By the way, take another look at the picture accompanying this piece. See that? You can not tell that I am somebody with mental health issues, can you? If you saw my children you would not be able to see their demons either.

You never know what someone is going through.

Never underestimate emotions and the mind.

They can and do bite back.

 

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

– Khalil Gibran

Julie Anderson:

Julie is the creator and publisher of Feminine Collective. Formerly known as the “face” for countless luxury brands, during her reign as a 90’s Supermodel, she has lived and worked on every continent and has always been eager to learn more about the lives of all the individuals that she encounters. After all those years on the road, she considers herself extremely lucky to have found her “voice.” A reluctant wordsmith, avid amateur photographer, editor and creative director, she is also a proud mother of three.

She is a mental health advocate and is the managing director of the LifeAfter Project Inc., a non profit organization that provides educational content designed to inspire and spread awareness for suicide prevention, substance abuse and domestic abuse on a global scale.

Her latest Feminine Collective poetry collection, Love Notes From Humanity: The Lust, Love & Loss Collection, is available now. 15% of all proceeds go to the LifeAfterProject and is available now on Amazon (including some of Rachel’s new poetry!). Read more here.

 

Photo of Julie Anderson 2016 © Bruce Hulse All Rights Reserved

The post When You Get More Than You Can Handle by guest @1JULIEANDERSON appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

Easy Ways for Survivors to Stay Strong and Sane via @KW_Writes

This is a triggering time for many survivors. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, the disorder and chaos of our current government has shaken me over the past few weeks. I haven’t slept well. My sugar intake is higher than normal. My Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is more active than usual for this time of year.

I have been weepy. Angry. Depressed. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Hopeless. I’ve even had suicidal thoughts in the past couple of months, and I haven’t experienced those in several years.

But now? I’m stronger than ever. I have resigned myself to this new normal. The constant barrage of political chaos and growing activism. The daily disbelief followed by anger. The phone calls to senators. The marches and tweets and petitions.

Inspired to Focus

I recently read Rachel’s post about her watchword for 2017, which is Focus. Her desire to be present in the moment and to experience joy in the everyday resonated with me. I had just completed a round in my PTSD support group, and been deeply effected by the rock ceremony that we used to close our sessions. All of this culminated in my journey to find my own watchword for 2017.

Rachel was right: The word finds you. My word for 2017 is Nourish. I vowed to find what was most nourishing for my body, mind, and spirit. I want to feel and be strong and sane in times that seem less stable with every passing day. Fortunately, I am not alone.

As survivors, we have many years of fighting ahead of us. Let’s get ready. Here are four ways that survivors can stay strong and sane.

Stop Apologizing

Here’s the thing – you matter. Stand up with your feet flat on the floor and draw an imaginary circle around you. This is the space you inhabit. You matter. Get used to it.

Stop apologizing for taking up space or existing or for being late or for your thoughts and feelings. Basically, stop apologizing for everything. I was inspired by this set of comics by Yao Xiao that changed my thinking completely.

I no longer say “I’m sorry” in situations that do not absolutely require it. So say thank you if you must, and stop apologizing.

Say No

No. Short and sweet. Say no to whatever doesn’t serve you. To people and activities and thoughts that waste your time and energy. To those things that don’t get your closer to your goals and dreams. We can’t say yes to everything unless we want to be strung out and spread too thin and exhausted and disorganized, and you are worth more than that.

Say no so you can say yes to something else. Say no so you can go after what’s really important to you.

Practice it in the mirror. Without apology or explanation.

No.

Get Organized

It’s time to clean up and throw out. Look around, inside and outside yourself. There’s a really good chance that you are looking at clutter of one kind or another. Maybe your desk is overrun with papers, or your thoughts are overtaken by negative self-talk. Perhaps you have too much crap and need to downsize.

Well, friend, it’s time to clean house. Figuratively and literally.

Since my word for 2017 is Nourish, I started with the most obvious form of nourishment: food. I cleaned out the pantry. Goodbye, food that is high in sugar. See ya, tempting food that doesn’t offer actual nutritional value.

Once I started, I couldn’t stop. Underwear that doesn’t fit? Tossed in the garbage. Papers I don’t need? Shredded and recycled. Glass I haven’t used in years? To the local thrift store. Mean words that I say to myself? Checked and thrown out. Getting organized frees me up for the stuff I really need to be doing.

Own Your Shit

Speaking of mean words that I tell myself and how I numb my feelings with food, it’s time to get honest. The older I get, the more I appreciate everyone’s honesty about owning their shit.

We’ve all got something. What are your strengths? Own them. What are your weaknesses? Own them.

I am funny. I own that. I feel deeply and run myself ragged and eat french bread for dinner and love to dance. I own all of that.

I’ve got no judgement for you, because I’m too busy owning my own shit to care about how “terrible” yours might be. Taking ownership only causes me to be more compassionate and open to others, and this helps me find my people, my tribe.

I’m telling you, compassion and our relationships with our tribe is how we’re going to stay sane and strong. For the long haul.

We’re survivors. We’re worth it.

********

Kelly Wilson is an author and comedian who entertains and inspires with stories of humor, healing, and hope. She is the author of Live Cheap and Free, Don’t Punch People in the Junk, and Kelly Wilson’s The Art of Seduction: Nine Easy Ways to Get Sex From Your Mate. Her latest book, Caskets From Costco, has been chosen as a finalist in the 18th annual Foreword Reviews’ INDIEFAB Book of the Year Awards, the 10th annual National Indie Excellence Book Awards, and the 2016 Readers’ Favorite International Book Award Contest.

Kelly Wilson currently writes for a living and lives with her Magically Delicious husband, junk-punching children, dog, cat, and stereotypical minivan in Portland, Oregon. Read more about her at www.wilsonwrites.com and on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

 

Learn more about the BadRedhead Media 30-Day Book Marketing Challenge or purchase directly from Amazon here. 

The post Easy Ways for Survivors to Stay Strong and Sane via @KW_Writes appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

This is the Reason FOCUS is my 2017 Watchword

Divorce. Custody. Finances. Taxes. Children. Writing. Business. Anxiety. Migraines. PTSD. Politics. Trauma. Weight. Meds. Social Media. Joy. Sorrow. Work. Sleep. Homework. Therapy. Insurance. Making Dinner. Burning Dinner.

This is my life. Well, a snippet, anyway. These are also distractions, to an extent. We all live like this in some way or another, and live through this. But is that how we want to live — surviving day by day, getting by, with occasional glimpses of serenity. It’s too scattered. I know I want more from my life. I want to be in it, to be mindful, joyful, my core melting with emotion. 

Can we control how all this stuff comes at us? No, not if we’re being realistic. The only thing we can control is our reaction to it. 

Each year, I choose a watchword; something to help keep me focused when times are challenging. I’ve chosen courage, compassion, and passion for past years, as a way to center myself. This year the word that I’ve chosen to help me focus is..

FOCUS

“FOCUS BOARD”

Last Year’s Word: Compassion

I usually don’t struggle to find my word each year. In fact, my word finds me, enveloping me with its willful rhythm. Compassion was easy last year, given that I focused on sexual abuse survivors, starting the year writing Broken People (more on that in a moment), directing the Gravity Imprint for Booktrope (more on that, too), and sharing Broken People (my second Broken book in the series).

As the election cycle ramped up and people tore each other down, focusing on compassion and looking out for my fellow survivor community became necessary as I fiercely defended my people when needed.

It was needed a lot.

So much happened this past year that needed defending, my gosh. (If I start a running commentary here of all that happened with regard to survivors and women, I will lose the focus of this post, so let’s just say, Google that shit if somehow you don’t know — here’s a great article that references much of it, though.)

Then, come the end of April, my publisher Booktrope shut down, and that was the end of bringing two dozen or so amazingly talented authors and survivors of various kinds of traumas stories to life. Boom, over. The incredible efforts, books, and camaraderie most of my Gravity group had developed over that year or so was — poof! — gone. Many of us have stayed in touch however, and you’ll find us madly supporting and sharing one another’s posts on #MondayBlogs weekly, reading each other’s new releases, and generally being spazzy cheerleaders for one another — a divine benefit of a business going under. How about that?!?!

Regardless, the entire year created one big lack of focus for me.

How Did I Move From Compassion To Focus? 

Many authors were angry at the closure of Booktrope, and I understood completely and felt compassion for them, but I couldn’t deny that I felt free. Directing an imprint was a great, if burdensome, responsibility, with varying degrees of immense satisfaction and frustration. I wasn’t an employee of Booktrope itself, merely a freelancer, but that didn’t seem to get through to most of the authors. Being put in the position of ‘fall guy’ wasn’t comfortable for me, so letting that part of my life go was a relief.

I could breathe.

I started my own business (BadRedhead Media) back in 2011 for the sole reason that I hated corporate culture — I’d spent seventeen years in it — and here I was somehow stuck in it again! How did I allow myself to get sucked back in? And for little to no money? Oy.

(I’ll tell you how: because it appealed to my sense of compassion, not my bank account. I wanted to bring stories of survival to life; to share and highlight survivor stories that deserved to be told. That’s the sense of satisfaction I spoke of above. I have zero regret about my experiences with Booktrope, and own incredible pride for what the Gravity Imprint accomplished. For anyone else who has grievances with them, those are their issues.)

The good news is that I was immediately signed by literary agent Lisa Hagan and publisher ShadowTeams NYC, who re-published Broken Pieces, Broken Places, and just released my first business book, The BadRedhead Media 30-Day Book Marketing Challenge, which is selling great! I’m so thankful. (For $5, you get thirty days of easy assignments that will energize your books sales, or help you set up your entire author platform.)

Add to all of that, my divorce became final (a good thing), and I ended up going from shared custody of my two children (ages 17 and 11) to full custody in August when their dad moved five-hundred miles south, my business growing exponentially, and there you have an intense lack of focus.

I’m not too hard on myself though: I still managed to have my best year business-wise, publish a new book, get signed by an agent and new publisher, and take care of my kids full-time.

Why My Watchword is Focus This Year 

It’s obvious by now, but I still struggled to find my word. With so much going on in the world, it’s hard to ignore American politics, particularly as it affects women and abuse survivors. I could spend all day, every day, debating with people about the state of misogyny and sexism in the U.S., but I don’t. It does no good, and it only frustrates me. I thought of making my watchword SEXISM but that would be a negative, rocky road for me, and my goal is to refocus when I’m scattered. Sexism as a way to focus would only piss me off.

I thought about RESPECT, something that’s sorely lacking right now in most facets of society, whether you’re discussing politics, issues, online or real life. But it didn’t quite resonate with me, as respect is one of my driving forces at all times anyway.

What is my criteria for a watchword? Simple: it needs to make me mindful when I find myself overthinking or multi-tasking, to center me.

This why I chose focus this year. With so much going on, this is how I’m consciously making an effort to focus:

No politics. I’m disregarding political discussions, unless I feel my voice can make a difference with regard to survivor issues.
Less Facebook . I’m not participating in as many Facebook discussions. I’d rather spend that time elsewhere (writing!). FB is great for building relationships but the negativity is sometimes, whoa. From an SEO standpoint, chatting on our personal FB walls does jack for Google Rank anyway (use your Page for that).
No trolls. I’ve had a one-response rule with trolls for awhile now on social media, particularly Twitter. Now? Block. Not worth it.
Less personal social media check-ins . With the exception of checking on client accounts, I am turning off social media completely for two-hour chunks to focus on business and writing tasks.
Less availability to weirdos. I’ve tightened up my already tight privacy controls because well, people are weird. No, you can’t have my address. No, I won’t testify on your behalf (or your best friends’s niece’s cousin) when I don’t even know you. No, I won’t tell you if the carpet matches the drapes. And no, you can’t sew my eyes into your quilt (all real requests).
Less answering of questions I’ve already answered. I’ve created #BookMarketingChat (every Wednesday at 6pm pst/9pm est on Twitter) where I share knowledge and have amazing experts share theirs and then I share each summary on the public Facebook page I also created. I wrote an easy-to-follow book that’s available for five bucks . I write articles on BadRedheadMedia.com weekly that are free for you and anyone else. If you Google me, I’m pretty much everywhere answering pretty much anything about book marketing, social, and branding. 

          Plus, there are tons more people smarter than me who can help you. Ask them. 

More writing, more business, more mom, more me. These are the essentials for me this year. To focus on doing what I love. I don’t have to give anyone rationale as to why I’m working and living my life the way I feel I need to, except me. 

Do you have a watchword or phrase for the year? Please share below!

The post This is the Reason FOCUS is my 2017 Watchword appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

This is Why Sexual Abuse Survivors DO Tell

Sharing our stories of surviving abuse is important because every survivor’s story matters, regardless of gender, status, or how much time has passed. The truth of it is that for a survivor to heal, what you and I think about their story means jack – it’s what they think and feel that truly matters, and leads to individual healing.

As I share in my books and in other articles, reframing survivors’ stories to fit your narrative is outrageous and egotistical.

Listen to survivors and allow us to speak our truth as we see it, not forcing it into the box that makes you more comfortable. 

Subjected to More Abuse

We’ve already been through the abuse, yet, survivors (including myself: childhood sexual abuse by a neighbor at age eleven) are judged daily as if we have committed a crime: by families, friends, and if we’re vocal and visible online, by readers on social media. People (typically non-survivors, but not always) audaciously ask:

Why didn’t you report it?
If you did report it, why didn’t you do so sooner?
Why didn’t you fight back?
What did you do to invite it, e.g., why did your abuser pick you?

Or make ignorant statements, such as:

It doesn’t count if there was no penetration.
Get over it already. It happened when you were a kid.
Stop being a perpetual victim. Nobody cares.
You’re just doing this for attention. Stop whining.

We Did Nothing Wrong. And Yet…

This may come as a shock to many who haven’t survived sexual trauma, but here’s our truest truth: survivors minimize our own trauma constantly, despite non-survivors’ habit of so kindly doing it for us. We question every moment of it, ask ourselves why it happened, wonder what we did to ’cause’ it, when we know logically we are not responsible for the abuser’s criminal behavior. Yet, there it is.

As if the shame, humiliation, anxiety, depression, PTSD in many cases, and body dysmorphic disorder isn’t already enough of a burden to carry on our slight shoulders, people sling this shit at us – when we did nothing wrong. Sexual abuse/assault/rape is the only crime where the victim (in the legal sense of the word) has to prove both their own innocence and the guilt of the abuser; and if they do speak their truth, can be accused of slander.

This is why many survivors keep their mouths firmly shut, thanks.

Speaking Our Truth

Until we don’t. Something, somewhere inside us cracks us open and the word vomit spills out. Often, it’s an emotional breakthrough of some sort – marriage, a break-up, the death of a loved one, a birth, a new home or job – some sort of traumatic life event (positive or negative) that triggers this opening within us.

Trauma stays inside us, waiting, changing who we are. We become the after.

For me, the death by suicide of an ex-lover opened up what the raw inside, pushing it out, and leading me to re-examine years of journals. Through this process, I gave myself permission to write my first book dealing with my abuse experiences, Broken Pieces. With prose and poetry, I delve into what it was like to live the pieces of who I became after the abuse, not understanding how the abuse affected me as a girl, a woman, and a mother. Releasing Broken Places a few years later, I continued sharing my story of survival and the after-effects of the abuse.

The response was astounding – people (primarily women, but many men, too) contacted me with their own stories of sexual abuse and still do almost daily. I released the first book in 2013, the second in 2015. I’m writing Broken People now. With the initial release, I felt blessed by their gift of trust, yet stymied by how to help them (beyond giving them information to RAINN, a wonderful organization for rape, assault, and incest survivors).

Connecting with Other Survivors

So, I reached out and connected with the fabulous Bobbi Parish, herself an incest survivor and author, and I founded #SexAbuseChat, which Bobbi and I co-host every Tuesday on Twitter, 6pm pst/9pm est. All survivors are welcome. Each week we discuss different topics affecting survivors. You can view previous chats by going to our public Facebook page (likes welcome!), so even if you’re not on Twitter, feel free to look through our chats.

I also started @SpeakOurStories with Dr. Shruti Kapoor, founder of @SayftyCom (whose goal is to help keep women safe worldwide). The SOS platform is to give all survivors, regardless of gender, a safe place to share their stories – anonymously is fine – and offer resources to get help. Submit your story here.

As a fierce advocate for survivors, I continue sharing stories about sexual abuse, hoping to help educate people why survivors don’t report (my tweets were featured recently in this CNN story on #WhyWomenDontReport), the effects of trauma on the brain, and how compassion and support are what survivors need, not judgement.

If you’re reading this and feel like you’ve been quick to judge a survivor or tend not believe them, ask yourself this question: what’s in it for us to share our stories?  We’ve already judged ourselves more than you possible ever could, led a life of shame and humiliation we’ve worked hard as fuck to shed, and asked ourselves all those same questions quoted above.

Some of us hope for justice, most of us hope for healing. Eventually, those of us who do tell rise above others’ petty judgements to reach out to others who aren’t able to speak.

This is why we tell.

 

This post was first published on Wilson Writes as is republished here with her permission.
Want to energize your book sales in a month? Learn more about the BadRedhead Media 30-Day Book Marketing Challenge!  To purchase or read more, head on over to BadRedheadMedia.com.

 

The post This is Why Sexual Abuse Survivors DO Tell appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

This is the Reason You’re Not Reaching Your Goals and How to Fix It

What were your greatest challenges this year? Did you meet your goals? Some of us did, some of us didn’t. I met a few, most I didn’t. And that’s okay — we move forward with time on our side.

I wrote a post a few weeks ago over on BadRedheadMedia about having writing and marketing goals, an exercise that’s helpful to do every three months; yet, most people make yearly resolutions that fall away within a few weeks. Let’s get in the habit of making quarterly goals, as well as monthly and weekly goals and putting them EVERYWHERE: your planner, the notes on your phone, even sticky notes on your desk. Heck, even tape them to your cat if you have to.

New Year’s resolutions are a way to set ourselves up for failure however, regular goal-setting is a great way to take stock in where we are and where we want to go. If we can’t be honest with ourselves, how can we be honest with others? There are few ways to go about it, so let’s deconstruct in this manner:

Challenge: I’ll share my own challenges but insert your own
Goal: I’ll share my goal for this first quarter
Method: There are a myriad of goal-setting options, but I’ll share here the top three methods I like best, with links to great articles. You can research more on your own from there.

Let’s do this thingy.

Goal: Maximize Focus, Master Priorities 

Challenge #1: While I did write one book this year and release it (The BadRedhead Media 30-Day Book Marketing Challenge, available now on Amazon FINALLY!), and I’ve started work on The BadRedhead Media 30-Day Twitter Challenge, I’ve had to put aside Broken People (the third and final Broken book) for now, and that’s kind of breaking my heart.

Though I’ve continued my advocacy work with #SexAbuseChat, sharing articles that move women and children’s trauma issues forward, and have written poetry and essays on the topics, I’ve yet to really organize myself to write the book. I’ve stopped and started and have bits and pieces here and there. Dammit.

Goal: To have the first draft of the Broken People manuscript to my publisher by March 30th. My monthly goal is to write twelve poems and ten essays.

Method: The Warren Buffet 2-List Strategy (Maximize Focus, Master Priorities)

The Story of Mike Flint

Mike Flint was Buffett’s personal airplane pilot for 10 years. (Flint has also flown four US Presidents, so I think we can safely say he is good at his job.) According to Flint, he was talking about his career priorities with Buffett when his boss asked the pilot to go through a 3-step exercise.

Here’s how it works…

STEP 1: Buffett started by asking Flint to write down his top 25 career goals. So, Flint took some time and wrote them down. (Note: you could also complete this exercise with goals for a shorter timeline. For example, write down the top 25 things you want to accomplish this week.)

STEP 2: Then, Buffett asked Flint to review his list and circle his top 5 goals. Again, Flint took some time, made his way through the list, and eventually decided on his 5 most important goals.

Note: If you’re following along at home, pause right now and do these first two steps before moving on to Step 3.

STEP 3: At this point, Flint had two lists. The 5 items he had circled were List A and the 20 items he had not circled were List B.

Flint confirmed that he would start working on his top 5 goals right away. And that’s when Buffett asked him about the second list, “And what about the ones you didn’t circle?”

Flint replied, “Well, the top 5 are my primary focus, but the other 20 come in a close second. They are still important so I’ll work on those intermittently as I see fit. They are not as urgent, but I still plan to give them a dedicated effort.”

To which Buffett replied, “No. You’ve got it wrong, Mike. Everything you didn’t circle just became your Avoid-At-All-Cost list. No matter what, these things get no attention from you until you’ve succeeded with your top 5.” (Source: JamesClear.com)

I know for me this means saying “No,” a lot more.

I give away a lot of my time answering questions and helping people, when honestly much of what they ask me, they can either come to my site to find out more info or Google that shit.
I interact with people on social media a lot, which is the core foundation of building up my author platform and something I truly enjoy (most of the time, anyway lol). Unfortunately, it’s a time-suck, so spending less time ‘socializing’ will be important for me to get the writing done.

On a more personal note, this has been of the most difficult years of my life — in a good way. Is that possible? I’ve never felt stronger and yet more vulnerable at the same time.

My divorce was final last December (something I wanted), and I officially became a single mom. While I have a wonderfully supportive family, terrific boyfriend, two great kids, and a thriving business, dealing with a now-ex-husband is a whole new world. Even in the best of situations, dealing with detangling finances, different personalities, and new partners while still navigating parenting is tricky.

My challenge and goal here is to focus solely on what’s best for the children, which is what we agreed to from the start. Using this method will help me to focus only on that one goal. Nothing else matters, and that’s how it should be.

Goal: Set an Upper Bound 

Challenge #2

Many people will set a goal of some sort:

Write 2,000 words daily
Walk 3 miles
Lose 20 pounds in 3 months
Cook more fresh dinners
Meditate every morning
Drink 10 glasses of water every day
Blog two times weekly

(Wait, these sound suspiciously like my goals

How to Love Yourself and Not Your Abuser by guest @atdrye

**Trigger Warning for childhood sexual abuse and incest.**
Please welcome Ashley Drye to the blog. Her writing is clear and brave. I encourage you to read her story, comment, share, and support her on this incredible truth journey. 

Thank you for reading this article about a girl named Lily May.

Sighhhhh.

That’s not my name. Lily May is the mask I hide behind, when I don’t want people to “see my ugly” as my mom used to say. I’m not ready for people to see my ugly just yet. I can’t imagine taking off the mask and standing before everyone, dressed in nothing but my past. So is  it my time to speak up?

I don’t think so.

Who is Lily May

Lily May, my pseudonym, a name I conjured up five years ago, reminding me of my first love: Jake. So in love with him. In my girly fog, I picked out names for our children, naming the boy Jake Jr. and the girl, Lily May. In the times he didn’t smash my face into the carpet, I daydreamed about our future and children. Then he’d hit me again, and I’d pray that we never had children together.

Sometimes I wonder: if I had a normal childhood, would I have had a normal adult life?  In my adult years, I’ve jumped from one abusive relationship to another, brandishing bruises and building up broken bones. I stopped hoping it was possible to live any other way. Every man is like this, I told myself. Then I looked at my two older brothers and realized that they don’t hurt their wives.

Always idolizing my brothers; I thought of them as the perfect men. They didn’t hit their wives. My older brother, Samuel, had a temper and destroyed property when angry, but at least he didn’t hurt the woman he loved. Now I know how silly it was to idolize him. My middle brother, Greg, always a nice guy and still is; he does not destroy property like Samuel. He doesn’t do a lot of things Samuel does.

Samuel was always a nerdy bookworm with few social skills. His temper ran hot, and he had difficulty withholding his outbursts. During his first marriage, his wife and him abused one another. As far as I know, he never hurt her. I know he cracked a windshield and made dents in the walls of the house. Still, he never hit her. It gave me hope that there may be good men out there.           

A Visit to the Counselor: What is Abuse, Anyway? 

Sitting on the familiar couch at the counselors, I wonder what she must think of me;  I try to explain why I love my oldest brother. Everything about him is perfect; I hope to find a man like him someday. “There’s just one thing…” I say to her. It’s that pesky past of mine again. The one I can’t seem to forget. The one I carry with me.

That “one little thing” brought a shocked look on my counselor’s face and made me flush red. Was it that bad?

The brother I idolize most of all took advantage of me as a child. Who could blame him though? He was a child himself and confused… right? The thoughts and rationalizations spin around in my mind as I try to swim through the thickness of reality. He touched me before I can even remember.

He is only three and a half years older than me. If a five-year-old touches a two-year-old, is it abuse? I can’t seem to wrap my mind around that possibility.

Abuse Continues So…??

I brush off the early years as a child’s curiosity about things he doesn’t quite understand. Although I think of it as innocent, it still leaves scars on me. As we get older, I wonder why it didn’t stop, though. He’s still touching me; we are 12 and 15 years old. He’s no longer a little child, and I’m no longer able to say it’s curiosity.

He demands I go into his room after I take a shower. “Don’t get dressed; come in only a towel,” he says. My mind races as my body shakes in fear. Every inch of me wants to deny him and flee, instead I walk around like a robot, complying. It’s always been this way. I’m trained to do as he asks, and this time is no different. He never threatens me, so why do I feel like I can’t say no?

I walk into his room, in my towel, and stand before him. My mind is foggy and I’m already floating off into my thoughts, ignoring him placing me on the bed. “Just a massage..” he says. It seems like it always begins with “just” something, and ends with me feeling numb. I can’t imagine what he likes about my 12-year-old body. My chest is flat and my hips are narrow. Still, he seems to enjoy it. I can feel his hands rubbing over my back, buttocks, and down to the area that makes me float away into my mind.

When everything is over, I wrap my towel around myself and head to my room. By the time I’ve gotten dressed, I’ve forgotten most of what’s happened; it’s the same every time. He asks and I comply because I don’t know what else to do. I ask myself if this is the way people show love.

How Do I Handle The Past Abuse Now? 

Now I am in my thirties and so is he. We avoid any topics that come close to the truth. Sometimes when I look into his eyes, I can see that he remembers the thing we don’t talk about. I still love him. He’s my perfect brother. So I hide behind Lily May, because I can’t ruin another relationship, or listen to people call me a liar again.

 

 

Dropping the Mask

Why do we love our abusers?  That is the question that tortures me still. How is it I am branded by every act my abuser did, but I can’t hate him? This man took advantage of me when I was younger than him and unable to protect myself. Still, I have to think he’s changed. There is programming in me that says he’s different now.

Every holiday I sit across from him, smiling and making conversation. Then I go home, and I am plagued with nightmares about the past. I wake up to a feeling of disgust about myself; I feel dirty and used, hop into the shower, and wash off what I can for the day. Scrubbing at my skin doesn’t seem to make it go away. Going through this same ritual every time I see him is exhausting.

Lily May would know what to do about this. She would say it’s okay to keep quiet. Just pretend like it never happened and move on with your life. The problem is that I’m not Lily May: I am Ashley T. Drye; the author, blogger, and domestic violence advocate. I can’t continue to tell others to shrug off their shame while wearing mine. With this article, I’m dropping my mask and exposing my ugly to the world.

Why Do I Love My Abuser?

I tapped onto my keyboard, googling the words that run through my mind almost daily- “Why do I love my abuser?”  The search brought up pages upon pages of victims asking the same question, with others attempting to give a satisfying answer.  Through my research, I learned that victims will grow attached to their abuser because it is a survival technique. We refer to this as Stockholm Syndrome. 

The abuser grooms their victims to feel as if the abusers hold their safety their hands. Whether it is through threats or implications, the victim feels as if they must do what the abuser says. Through that process, the victim bonds to their abuser.

Significantly different is the effects of traumatic bonding. During this process, the victim lives a mixture of both abusive and protective behaviors from their abuser. Some signs of traumatic bonding are:

Explaining away the abuse
Protecting the abuser
Conflicting emotions of Love/Hate for the abuser
Feeling like you owe the abuser
Wanting the abuser to give you attention

I have grown tired of the mixture of shame and guilt I feel for loving my abuser. I can see now that what I’m experiencing is “conflicting emotions of love/hate” for my brother. For twenty years I have struggled with my ability to love someone who I also hate and despise for what he has done.

Lily May would say it’s okay and to keep her head down, but Ashley T. Drye is ready to show the world her ugly, and be free of this burden.

 

Author Bio

Ashley T. Drye is an author, blogger, and victim’s advocate. She focuses her time on bringing awareness to the complexity of abuse. She enjoys blogging daily, speaking with victims, and writing. Currently, she is working on a book series, titled Stories of Abuse, where she shares stories from victims and survivors of abuse.

The first book in the series is called Stories of Abuse: Domestic Violence and she is currently accepting submission from anyone wanting to share their story of domestic violence.

Contact Ashley on Twitter or Facebook.

 

 

 

Links

Why the Impact of Child Abuse Extends Well into Adulthood https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201310/why-the-impact-child-abuse-extends-well-adulthood

Love and Stockholm Syndrome:  http://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html

Grooming: http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/grooming.html

9 Signs of Traumatic Bonding: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2015/09/9-signs-of-traumatic-bonding-bonded-to-the-abuser/

My Blog: http://ashleydrye.wixsite.com/storiesofabuse/blog-1

My Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AshleyTDrye/

Twitter Handle: @atdrye

The post How to Love Yourself and Not Your Abuser by guest @atdrye appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

Advice on Life After Substance Abuse Treatment feat. Recognition Works

Getting to rehab in the first place is perhaps the biggest hurdle in battling addiction, but it’s certainly not the only difficult part of the process. Transitioning back into a sober life has plenty of its own challenges, but as those who have gone through it can attest, it can be done. In this guest post from Cecelia Johnson of Recognition Works, she spoke with a number of them personally, and in this article, you’ll hear some of their stories. Their goal is to inspire people with their words of wisdom, and show that no matter what hardships we face, there is light beyond the darkness!

For some, it isn’t so much the idea of going to addiction treatment that brings anxiety — it’s the idea of leaving. Suddenly, you’ll be out on your own in the real world with no one guiding you through sober living. It’s true that a good rehab center will teach you to be accountable and avoid temptation, but nevertheless, it’s intimidating to walk out of treatment and feel that sense of being on your own.

Fortunately, there are ways to stay on-track. Here’s what a few recent addiction treatment graduates had to say about leaving rehab, and continuing to fight the good fight for sobriety.

Embrace the sober perspective

After years of substance abuse, some recovering addicts worry they won’t remember how to have fun without drugs or alcohol. But Ryan told me that a recent rave show helped him recognize the difference in having a good time sober versus under the influence.

“In the past, going to a show like that would be impossible unless I was drinking or using something. I never thought that I could enjoy certain things not messed up,” he admitted.

This time, however, he went with a large group of sober friends and had a blast — all without a single substance.

“Let me tell you, we had 20 of us there, and people were probably looking at us thinking, ‘What are they on?’ because we just had so much fun!” he joked. “I was actually there. I wasn’t thinking, ‘I’m here for the party,’ so I got to see and hear even little things.”

Don’t be afraid to open up about your recovery

Keeping such a big part of your life secret can be overwhelming, especially on top of all the other challenges recovery throws at you. John said that after his time at the Treehouse in Texas, he and his wife let the truth set them free.

“We got tired of trying to put on a front and look like we had it all together. So we said, ‘Screw it! Let’s just talk openly and honestly about how difficult it is,’” he explained.

The couple runs their own blog about life in recovery, and use it not only as an open outlet for John to heal, but as a way to help others do the same.

“We want people to know it’s OK to not be OK after treatment. It can still be a grind. There’s that impression that you’re cured when you get out of treatment, but the real work begins when you leave,” he said.

Sally agreed that honesty and reaching out to others is healing for all parties.

“I’m able to share my story and help others, and that’s a big part of it — you have to be proud of the work you’ve done. Sharing that helps other people,” she said.

Don’t forget how far you’ve come

At the end of the day, sometimes the most effective route is to simply remember your journey. There’s a lot at stake in recovery, a lot to lose if things go wrong.

For Wendy, it’s thinking about all that she’s worked so hard to attain — and how easily it could all slip away.

“My advice to someone once they get sober is never to get too complacent — no matter how much time you’ve had, you’re always one drink, one toe, one line away from relapse,” she said.

About the Author

A recent study revealed that the U.S. has seen an alarming rise in suicides. In fact, with the rate now at 13 suicides per 100,000 people, it’s at an all-time high since the mid-1980s. Ms. Johnson and RecognitionWorks work to connect those who’ve been recognized for outstanding work with organizations that can help them through donations, sponsorship, and gifts. Their goal is to inspire people, and show that no matter what hardships we face, there is light beyond the darkness.

The post Advice on Life After Substance Abuse Treatment feat. Recognition Works appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

This is Why a Trigger Warning is a Good Thing by @WillVanStoneJr

Guest post by staff writer Will Van Stone, Jr. 

I recently republished a short story called Sonny Came Home about a very angry woman who goes on a bloody and graphic murder spree and she’s the good guy. The first thing readers (should) see when they check it out is a nice little Reader Advisory box letting them know there’s some very bad things ahead:

I also have one for Good Christian Boys Chapter One and Two due to the naughty bits I wrote, and will continue to write, as well as going back and adding those to previous posts that could use a warning for various reasons. Let’s be honest: I write some things that certain individuals would rather not read due to content. In a way, those simple little boxed are like trigger warnings and…

Are Trigger Warnings Censorship? 

Oh, shit, did I censor myself!? Damn. I hate censorship; it’s downright un-American, y’all. I mean, there’s been a whole big thing online and IRL about trigger warnings from the humble University of Chicago’s Dean of Students and this great debate about how they’re a SJW attempt to censor people’s free speech, so there must be some truth to the warning equaling censorship argument. After all, The First Amendment means something, damnit! Just look how the words are CAPITALIZED, and we all know that caps are only brought in for Very Important Things.

So how the hell does some keyboard warrior think they can tell anyone what they can and cannot talk about!? How dare they tell me what I can and cannot publish on my website! That’s downright super un-American!

Whoa. Hold up there, big boy. Let’s look at this ridic argument that keeps making the rounds, shall we?

Freedom of Speech

Before you get all wrapped up in the Bill of Rights, let’s look at what the First Amendment actually says.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

See that word Congress there? That means government, specifically the federal government, though the Supreme Court has decided that state and local governments are to adhere to the basic right as well. So, to call trigger warnings an act of censorship that goes against what’s written in the Constitution is a major misunderstanding of the all-important document. Now, please, stop with that pointless argument. Also, shut up.

The Following Movie is Rated…

The question remains, is it still censorship? Private institutions don’t necessarily need to abide by the First Amendment, so there’s always the chance it could happen. But does it? Does having an R-rating attached to the latest blood-filled horror flick mean that film is being censored? It’s still available to view, at the theater, even. Last I checked, if something is there to watch, it hasn’t been censored. Let’s check on that, though. According to Merriam-Webster, the legal definition of censor is to examine (as a publication or film) in order to suppress or delete any contents considered objectionable. While films may remove scenes to be granted the desired rating, the MPAA doesn’t themselves cut up a film. They simply rate what they’re given and assign the warnings deemed appropriate.

Along with the basic rating (G, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17) we also have qualifiers telling us why a film received its rating. Ever notice things like thematic content, some disturbing images, and language? They’re so movie goers know what kind of content to expect in case someone doesn’t like, or doesn’t want their child to see, some disturbing images.

Basically, it allows filmmakers to keep all the f-bombs without worrying that someone who doesn’t, or shouldn’t, hear them will, well, hear them. Honestly, it’s common decency and smart business.

Now, look at the words trigger and warning and replace them with the following is rated PG-13 for  thematic content, some disturbing images, and language and tell me again how it’s a liberal conspiracy to shut down opposing opinions.

I’m waiting.

The Truth About Trigger Warnings 

Having a trigger warning isn’t a way to shut you up; it’s a way to warn someone that what’ll be discussed might not be the easiest subject to hear about for many reasons that I’m not going to mention here ‘cause I’d be here forever. It’s a quick, mess-free way to be a decent human being.

Imagine, if you will, that you’ve got an aversion to reading about the gay stuff. Wouldn’t you be kind of upset, pissed even, if your eyes fell upon a very graphic description of that scene from Brokeback Mountain? I’m guessing you’d have appreciated a head’s up that two dudes were going to get all loved up on each other. For some people, that same kind of warning can help prepare them for what they’re about to see – hence trigger being the important part.

If it helps, think of it as a guard against complaints, and more. If people are aware that you’ll be discussing sensitive topics, nobody can bitch about what you say and you’re free to say whatever comes to mind (kind of like Donald Trump grabbing things). Except hopefully not racist and misogynistic and every other kind of bigoted.

Think Beyond Your Own Experiences 

In Sonny Came Home, I wrote some graphic rape scenes and, yes, they are important to the story. When I chose to place the warning in front of the words, I wasn’t doing so because people are whiny weenies who need a warm blanket to hide under because the world is a big, scary place. I placed it there because there are actual rape victims and survivors out there, online and IRL (something that U of C Dean would do well to remember) that might be saved some pain with just a quick “hey, rape talk here.”

Even if you don’t trust the figures presented on RAINN’s website (there are some who don’t and this isn’t an argument for or against it so don’t start that argument today), there are still those out there who have been sexually assaulted who, if they end up hearing or seeing something rape-related without warning, could be affected in ways those who haven’t been assaulted couldn’t understand. And, as an added bonus, your simple warning guards you against attempts to silence you. Doesn’t that seem like a good thing? That little trigger warning, contrary to what some dumbasses think, is a defense against censorship. So, stop playing a victim and bitching how hard it is to be a decent person.

Let It Go

Listen to Elsa. Seriously. What possible harm could come from including a little warning to readers and viewers know that what they’re about to experience may be difficult or disturbing? You’re not being stopped from saying what you want; you’re just allowing someone who may need it the time to prepare so they don’t go full on breakdown in the middle of it.

The Tattooed Professor put it quite well with [d]isplaying empathy for the different experiences our students bring to the classroom is not a threat to our academic freedom. Allowing for a diversity of perspectives to flourish, even when that diversity might challenge the very structure of our course and its material, is not a threat but an opportunity.

Makes sense to me so why can’t certain other folk (like the ignorant and conservatives and ignorant conservatives) understand that shit? Is it that hard to be considerate?

Oh, and as for my first question? No, I’m not censoring myself or my writings. All I’m doing is being a decent person. And I’m not just protecting other people who need the early warning so they can prepare to continue or just opt out; I’m protecting myself from someone else trying to censor me. See? Everyone really does win when you get over stupid assumptions and actually listen to what someone else has to say.

Try it some time.

 

photos courtesy of pixabay
Would you like to be part of my Broken Pieces Pay It Forward  Initiative? Purchase a copy for yourself, fill out an easy form on my site, and I’ll gift a copy from you on my dime to a friend in need!

Purchase Broken Pieces and Broken Places  (now published by ShadowTeams NYC and Lisa Hagan Books) on Amazon now!
Learn more about all of Rachel’s books here. Connect with Rachel for social media services on BadRedheadMedia.com.

 

The post This is Why a Trigger Warning is a Good Thing by @WillVanStoneJr appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

This is The Right Way To Feel Your Feelings

Stupid right? People telling us what and how to feel. 

Either your candidate won or lost, and you’re feeling either elated or despondent, thrilled or pissed off, shouting ‘neener neener’ all over social media or looking for solace from other like-minded folks. Or maybe you just don’t give a shit — you’re just glad those damn commercials are finally off your TV, and the signs will now be out of your neighbor’s yard.

As a student of social media, as an author and branding strategist, trauma survivor, parent, feminist and woman, I find myself at an impasse: feelings are swirling one direction, yet thoughts are pulsing out of my head, down my veins, itching to share on social media or here on my blog. I want to support my friends and colleagues, yet maintain my sense of professionalism.

(My truth? *removes professional hat*

Fuck yea I’m pissed my candidate didn’t win. Will it help to plaster that all over social media? No. Will that help me personally? No, because it only brings on the ugly trolls and goodness knows, I’ve had enough of that. Let’s face it: here in the West, we are All About Winning. The sting of this loss hurts not only because we felt personally invested in our candidate, but also because we have taken it personally; because the ‘winners’ are rubbing it in with hate, and we hate sore winners.

We worry about ourselves, our families, and our friends. We feel fear, dread, and anxiety about our future, and our future is happening right now.

It’s all about the extremes, and extremes are uncomfortable, and cannot be sustained for long. *puts back on hat*)

As a professional, however, I have stopped myself. I vowed not to discuss politics on social media any longer, and I am keeping that promise –regardless of the outcome of this election, my opinion of it now doesn’t matter. I’d rather focus on helping and healing.

However, my feelings do. To me. Just as yours do, to you. Let’s deconstruct.

“When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”

~ Mr. Rogers

Feelings You Listen To 

From Mean Girls:

Crying Girl: [reading from paper] I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy…

[about to cry]

Damian: [shouting from back] She doesn’t even go here!

Ms. Norbury: Do you even go to this school?

Crying Girl: No… I just have a lot of feelings…

Ms. Norbury: Ok go home…

[girl walks off stage]

Ms. Norbury: Next!

Okay, I love this movie, because it gives me the feels (pun intended). It’s also a smart as a whip commentary on our culture as a whole, not only high school (watch it if you haven’t). Here’s an insightful post about the power and social analysis of the movie. In case you think it’s just a dumb girl flick, think again: the movie is based on the wonderful sociology book Queen Bees and WannaBees, by Rosalind Wiseman (educator, writer, and founder of Cultures With Dignity).

Here’s how I break down a comparison of the movie to the election (just go with it):

Many of us were Janis — honest believers who truly thought that in playing our cards straight, our candidate (Cady) could win. We genuinely believed in her. Our mistake was in underestimating the overt and covert abilities of the other candidate (Regina George) — power, assets, attention, and ability to motivate the disenfranchised. Of course, it took a deus ex machina to defeat Regina, a convenient story tool that doesn’t happen in real life (so far, anyway!).

In the pivotal scene in the movie, the girls (mostly) yelled, screamed, and physically fought with each other, until Ms. Norbury calmed them down through encouraging them to share their words and yup, their feelings, which in a long and winding way, brings me to my point about this election: you are entitled to share how you are feeling right now. Feel your feels, even if you don’t go here. We are humans, and humans have feelings.

How Feelings, Opinions, and Behaviors Differ 

We don’t have to listen to the hate — that is a choice you make. You can choose to participate in those conversations, or not. That’s on you.

There’s a differentiation here between what the haters are espousing  — opinions — and what people are feeling. I am referring to the hate people are spewing on social media, online, in blogs, on posts, in tweets, etc. Opinions are a reflection of one’s feelings, a representation if you will, but are quite different from “I’m feeling happy my candidate won,” vs. “Suck it, my guy is awesome. Get over it, losers.”

There are also terrifying real-life hate crimes happening already that we cannot ignore — these are not feelings, these are behaviors. Behaviors that have consequences. Behaviors that are against the law. The people engaging in those illegal behaviors are making a choice to engage in ways that only they are responsible for — nobody else. They may feel justified in their hate, encouraged by campaign rhetoric, but make no mistake: the only people who will be arrested and do any time are the people who do the crimes.

Feelings You Own 

I recently suffered a devastating (non-personal) loss that I won’t go into because honestly, it’s nobody’s business but my own. I didn’t cry, but I became an anxious, angry, migraine-ridden, insomniac for a few days. Eventually, something small set me off and I cried, allowing my guy and kids in. They sat me down and we all had a pity party full of movies, cuddles and chocolate — and then I picked myself up, gathered up the pieces, and went about fixing what I could.

I owned this pain, I sat with it, and I held its hand. I honored my emotions. Initially, yea, I ran from it (because that’s what I do), but I came back, immersed myself in it, and then, and here’s the critical part — I moved on. Maybe it’s the survivor in me, but that resiliency is how I’m still around all these many years. Being a realist helps me immensely: the Capricorn in me takes over, sits my ass down, and gets me back to work.

Processing It All 

This election will take time for us all to process, and I encourage everyone to do so in our own way, at our own pace. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should be feeling, what you should be saying, or how you should be acting. For trauma survivors especially, we are used to being dismissed and minimized, so this is nothing new however, it doesn’t mean we have to take that kind of bullying on. 

For your own mental health, pay attention to your emotional needs. Get help if you need it, please (more below). Practice good self-care (read, write, go on walks, take baths, light a candle, meditate, do yoga, whatever helps you stay calm and centered). Take breaks from the news and social media. I guarantee that will calm you. More options:

Fight back if that helps you.
Cocoon if that’s your preferred mode.
Talk with others in hangouts and/or public or private groups.
Write it out in letters, blog posts or journal entries if that’s your way.
Humor helps. A lot.

Whatever works for you to process this event, that’s what you need to do, for you.

Remember this: there’s no right way to feel your feelings, except what feels right for you.

 

If you’re a survivor who isn’t currently in therapy, there are free resources available. RAINN, the largest sexual assault support organization in the country, has a 24-hour hotline: 1-800-656-4673. They also have online chat if you prefer. 

If you’re in crisis, there’s an exhaustive list of resources here: National Resources for Sexual Assault Survivors and their Loved Ones via RAINN http://ow.ly/UMkg3066d6D

 

Would you like to be part of my Broken Pieces Pay It Forward  Initiative? Purchase a copy for yourself, fill out an easy form on my site, and I’ll gift a copy from you on my dime to a friend in need!

Purchase Broken Pieces and Broken Places  (now published by ShadowTeams NYC and Lisa Hagan Books) on Amazon now!
Learn more about all of Rachel’s books here. Connect with Rachel for social media services on BadRedheadMedia.com.

 

The post This is The Right Way To Feel Your Feelings appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

This is the Reason Connection and Interaction are Different

I’ve noticed a disconcerting pattern on social media these past six months: people expecting interaction and feeling entitled to reciprocation. Total strangers shaming others into liking and sharing posts, leaving scathing messages (both publicly and privately) if one does not agree with their stance — particularly if it’s political or religious in nature — and outright bullying if we don’t respond or simply tell that person, “no.”

In the nature of relationship building, of which I am an advocate, this begs the question: where do we draw the line?

Is there a difference between connection and interaction?

Let’s deconstruct.

You Don’t Owe Anybody Interaction 

I ran across this illuminating post: You Don’t Owe Anyone an Interaction: The TEDx Talk « on Positively Positive by Caroline McGraw and it really resonated with me. She’s a “Giver,” and I feel the same way (though clearly, some will disagree). I’ve created a giving kind of platform, what with #MondayBlogs, #SexAbuseChat, and #BookMarketingChat, helpful, practical blog posts weekly, and tons of tips on my various social media channels daily.

It takes diligence, effort, and time to connect with readers on my author platform, and authors on my business platform, but I do it because I love it. It’s my choice; one I made with much thought and analysis.  

In McGraw’s article, she discusses that there are two types of Givers: 

In an age of unprecedented connectivity, how can we give to others without burning out ourselves?

For help, I turned to a book called Give and Take, in which Adam Grant makes a startling, research-based claim: People who give more than they receive are the most productive and highest-earning workers. It pays to be a Giver.

However, there’s an important caveat in the research, and it’s this: There are two different types of Givers. The first and most successful type gives while guarding personal limits. This type sets healthy boundaries, holding self-interest and other-interest simultaneously. For them, it’s not self or others; it’s self and others.

By contrast, the second and least-successful type gives to the point of exhaustion. They have trouble saying no to anyone. As a result, they are always, always tired. I know, because I used to be one of them. I used to think that if I didn’t give away every ounce of energy to others, I was being selfish.”

Wow, did this hit me like a punch in the gut. Here’s why: 

Just last week, a woman on Facebook shamed me publicly on my wall for not liking her comments on several of my posts that were quite religious in nature. If you know me at all (or read my guidelines), you’ll know that I’m not a religious person, and ask people not to post religious or political statements on my wall. She then went as far as to declare that I was unappreciative of her efforts, threatening to unfriend me. I quickly unfriended her because, really? Within seconds, I found rage message in my PMs (private messages), calling me all kinds of terrible names. 


In another instance, someone asked me to write a letter on behalf of a survivor I’ve never met, to help keep her abuser behind bars. This person offered zero details of the case when I asked for them, telling me I should simply believe them since I’m “an advocate for survivors,” which I am. However, to lend my name to a cause, I must do my due diligence. When this person refused to provide any identifying details (state, county, city, dates, case information, anything whatsoever), I politely declined. This person then started stalking me, leaving messages on every Facebook page I own denigrating me, on Twitter, on my blog posts, articles, basically everywhere, claiming that I am a ‘fake’ advocate.


I’m constantly told (mostly by men) that I’m a ‘perpetual victim’ for writing and sharing my survival story of childhood sexual abuse, despite the fact that I’ve developed a community for survivors to share ways to recover and heal, a platform to speak our stories, and am a fierce advocate for all survivors of trauma, regardless of gender. These attacks certainly have a sexist component to them — men attacking women for speaking up will always be a target of derision. My books are award-winning and bestselling, and I’m confident in my writing abilities. What these men say doesn’t affect me — it clearly says more about them than it does me. My concern is more for other survivors who won’t speak up or report because of this pervasive attitude. 

These interactions are unsettling, but also learning moments for me. I’ve learned to set limits. 

Stop Being Lazy 

If you can email or DM or PM me a question, you can research it first, right? This is a boundary for me. What is stopping people from looking up their questions? Even more galling are the business requests:

I can’t hire you, but can you tell me how to sell 100 copies per month?
Can you explain {insert whatever topic} to me?
I have $100 to spend on all of my marketing, and you charge $150/hour. Will you discount your price so I can afford you?

Listen, I get budget issues. I do. I’m a single mom with two kids, bills, taxes, and all the rest of it. My brain is what pays my bills, not my charm or looks (as I write this, I have on sweats, no makeup, hair in a ponytail and a migraine. Clearly, it’s not my looks.). I have 20+ years of marketing experience, 8+ years in publishing, and dozens of happy clients. People hire me because I know my shit. So, don’t ask me (or any freelancer or consultant for that matter) to do you this one little favor because guess what? Ten people ask this of us daily. If we did nothing but free favors for everyone who asks, we’d never make any money whatsoever. 

Why sell myself short? Nope, sorry. If you want to pay for my services, then pay for my services. If you don’t, then don’t. If you can’t, read ALL the free stuff I provide or Google That Shit. 

When I need consulting (and I do), I hire amazing people. I have assistants who help me, and I pay them well because they deserve it — it’s worth it to me to delegate admin tasks so I can focus more on my consulting business, writing, and learning new skills. I scrimp and save, just like you. I haven’t bought new clothes for myself in two years. I don’t go to Starbucks or out to dinner (well, hardly ever). I do the fucking work.

The Difference Between Connection and Interaction 

Which brings me to my original point: is there a difference between interaction and connection? Obviously, yes. A resounding yes! I can interact with a bug, but that doesn’t mean I’m connected to it (though some tree-huggers may argue that point). As authors, and as businesspeople, our job is to to connect with our demographic, build relationships, and, if we’re lucky, earn that sale through connection. 

Earn. I didn’t say expect or entitled. That’s the disconnect. That tiny little four-letter word is where the difference lies between the Givers who are successful, and the Givers who aren’t — at least, as I see it. Between the Takers who expect and feel entitled to all our hard work. Between our love for the written word, our common interests, our sharing of universal truths and every other cliché we can think of, but in the end rings true (see what I did there?).

I personally have struggled with telling people no. A friend tells me I’m too nice, too helpful, offering up links to people when I could just send them to Google. That I need to laugh in people’s faces at the ridiculous requests they make of my time, because time is money and all that. One of mentors reminds me that I should be charging for all the free info I give away but I’m not — and probably to my own detriment.

And I hear them, I do, which is why I took the BadRedhead Media 30-Day Book Marketing Challenge (which was totally free for the month of February to newsletter subscribers only), fleshed it out and made it into a book, due out in December from my publisher, ShadowTeams. I’m also creating special BadRedhead Media online only downloadable courses for purchase that are reasonably priced (less than $50) for people who can’t afford my hourly rate — available soon!

As for my author work, I’m writing Broken Places, the third and final Broken book, and sketching out ideas for my next non-fiction series — top secret stuff for now.

Satisfaction in Connection 

Ultimately, the choice for any of us comes down to how satisfying these connections are, and that determines whether we choose to continue to interact. Like that friend who is always talking about herself, begging for money, or ripping off other people’s work (true story), we need to set boundaries for emotional vampires, or break ties with them altogether (something I did recently and wow, it’s been liberating!). If you are drained after interacting with certain people, that’s a sure sign that you need to look out for yourself, and restrict contact.

We are not all things to all people, and that expectation and entitlement by others that we should be is unrealistic and let’s face it, kind of warped. Who are these people to tell us how we should be? That’s a lot of nerve. It’s not selfish to find satisfaction in our work, set boundaries in those connections and interactions with others, and find a balance between the two.

After all, if we can’t be there for ourselves, we are limiting how effective we can be for others.

 

Would you like to be part of my Broken Pieces Pay It Forward  Initiative? Purchase a copy for yourself, fill out an easy form on my site, and I’ll gift a copy from you on my dime to a friend in need!

Purchase Broken Pieces and Broken Places  (now published by ShadowTeams NYC and Lisa Hagan Books) on Amazon now!
Learn more about all of Rachel’s books here. Connect with Rachel for social media services on BadRedheadMedia.com.

 

 

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