Rachel Thompson's Blog

10 Motivations to Help You Embark on Your Memoir Writing Journey

Why Write a Memoir?

Are you ready to embark on the journey of writing your memoir? Sharing your life story can be a transformative experience, not only for yourself but also for others who may find solace or inspiration in your words. However, beginning the process of writing a memoir can feel overwhelming.

Where do you start? How do you organize your thoughts and memories into a coherent narrative? Let’s discuss some practical tips on how to kickstart your memoir-writing journey.

Make Time For Reflection, Research, and Note-Taking

Firstly, take some time to reflect on the significant moments and experiences that have shaped your life. Consider what themes or messages you want to convey through your memoir. This self-reflection will help guide the direction of your writing and give it purpose.

Create a notebook, Word doc, or Google doc dedicated solely to this process. Organizing your notes will become a crucial part of your process. Make stuff easy to find! Whether you use writing software or file boxes, figure out a method that’s easy and efficient.

Writing a memoir can be an incredibly rewarding experience. It allows you to delve into your own life, reflect on your experiences, and make sense of the world around you. The act of writing itself can be therapeutic, giving you the opportunity to express yourself in ways that may have been difficult before. Whether you choose to publish your memoir or simply keep it for yourself, the process of writing can be life-changing.

The writing process is not just about sharing your story with others; it’s also about discovering and understanding yourself on a deeper level. As you recount the events of your life and reflect on who you were at different stages, you may uncover hidden truths or gain newfound clarity about your own journey.

Take A Class!

I took a number of memoir-writing classes throughout my life, but it wasn’t until I finished the (online) Gotham Writer’s Memoir Workshop that I felt ready to start. If that’s a bit too spendy or you’re time-challenged, take a look at Marion Roach Smith’s memoir workshops (Memoir I is $79 – pretty affordable).

Well-known and vetted, Grub Street also offers a range of affordable workshops as well.

Finding Your Memoir’s Focus: Unlocking the Essence of Your Personal Journey

Writing a memoir is a deeply personal and introspective process, one that requires careful consideration and exploration of your own life experiences. As you embark on this literary adventure, it is crucial to find your memoir’s focus – the central theme or message that will drive your narrative forward. This focus will not only give direction to your writing but also provide readers with a compelling reason to engage with your story.

To begin discovering the essence of your memoir, take some time to reflect on your life experiences and the moments that have had a profound impact on you. Consider the defining events, relationships, or challenges that have shaped who you are today. Jot down notes about these key moments and how they made you feel. Allow yourself to delve deep into memories, emotions, and thoughts associated with each event.

Organizing Your Memoir’s Structure

As with any form of writing, the process can be both exciting and overwhelming. One of the key elements to consider when embarking on your memoir journey is how to structure your story. Just like a house needs a solid foundation, your memoir also requires a well-organized structure for it to make an impact on readers.

When it comes to organizing your memoir’s structure, there are several approaches you can take. Some writers prefer chronological order, starting from their earliest memories and progressing through time. This allows readers to follow along with the author’s life journey and see how they evolved over time.

Others may choose a thematic approach, exploring different themes or topics throughout their memoir rather than adhering strictly to a timeline. This can create depth and richness in storytelling as well as provide opportunities for reflection.

Figuring out the structure of my Broken books (Broken Pieces, Broken Places, and my latest, Broken People) stopped me from writing for years. I had no idea how to go about it. Eventually, I started writing and let the form take shape as I wrote. Others need a much more rigid outline to even get started. Figure out what works best for you and start.

Take a look at Lisa Cooper Ellison for more memoir structure information. For my next book on writing trauma, I’ve hired Katie Bannon, who is wonderful.

Diving into the Writing Process

Diving into the writing process is an exhilarating journey that allows us to explore the depths of our own memories and experiences through memoir writing. As someone who has embarked on this creative endeavor, I can attest to the transformative power of putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard).

The writing process becomes a deeply personal exploration, unearthing buried emotions and untold stories that have shaped our lives.

Memoirs are more than just a collection of anecdotes or diary entries; they are an invitation into the writer’s soul. The writing process itself is like diving into a vast ocean of memories, where each dive uncovers hidden treasures waiting to be shared with the world. It requires a delicate balance between introspection and vulnerability, as we delve deep within ourselves to excavate moments that shaped us into who we are today.

Reflecting and Revising Your Work: A Memoir Writer’s Journey

Writing a memoir is not just about pouring your heart or feelings onto the page; it’s also about reflecting on your experiences and revising your work to create a compelling narrative. The writing process for a memoir can be both exhilarating and challenging, as it requires delving into the depths of your memories and finding ways to craft them into a coherent story. Reflecting on your life events allows you to gain insights, uncover hidden emotions, and make sense of the past.

When revising your work, it’s essential to approach it with fresh eyes. Take time away from your manuscript before returning to it; this will help you see things you may have missed in the initial draft. As you read through your memoir, ask yourself if each scene advances the story or contributes something meaningful.

Hiring an Editor: Unlock the Power of Your Memoir Writing Process

The writing process can be both exhilarating and daunting, filled with moments of inspiration and frustration. As you pour your heart onto the pages, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of crafting a compelling narrative. What to do? Who to show your deepest writing to?

Hiring an editor is the secret weapon that can truly transform your writing journey.

Picture this: a seasoned editor who not only understands the intricacies of storytelling but also connects with your personal journey on a profound level. This person becomes your confidante, helping you navigate through tangled plotlines and refining your prose with care. With their expert eye for detail and structure, they identify weaknesses in character development or pacing that may have eluded you during countless revisions.

Sharing Your Memoir with Others

Sharing your writing can be a deeply personal and transformative experience. Writing a memoir is an opportunity to reflect on your own life, make sense of your experiences, and share those stories with others. However, the process of sharing your memoir can also be intimidating and vulnerable.

Writing a memoir requires self-reflection and vulnerability as you delve into memories that may be painful or challenging. The act of writing itself can provide healing and closure as you confront difficult emotions or come to terms with unresolved issues.

In fact, as a trauma recovery coach (in training), I can attest that writing about trauma in a trauma-informed way can be healing in ways you’ve never thought of or experienced.

To learn more about how to market your work, visit me at BadRedheadMedia.com!

Embrace Your Unique Story

Writing a memoir is a powerful way for writers to embrace their unique stories and leave an indelible mark on the literary world. Memoirs allow us to delve deep into our own experiences, capturing the essence of our lives in vivid detail. As writers, we have the opportunity to share our triumphs, struggles, and everything in between, connecting with readers on a profoundly personal level.

Through writing our memoirs, we can explore the themes that define us as individuals and reflect on the lessons we’ve learned along the way. It is in this introspective process that we uncover profound insights about ourselves and gain a deeper understanding of our own journeys. By weaving together various threads of our lives into one cohesive narrative, we not only create something beautiful but also give voice to stories that may have otherwise remained untold.

Moreover, writing a memoir allows us to leave behind a legacy for future generations.

Unsure where to start? That’s okay. Reading this might just be the kick in the pants you need. And remember, nobody will see your writing until you’re ready to share it. This is all part of the process. Trust.

Are you working on a memoir? Please share your own unique tips and hints below! 

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BROKEN PEOPLE, the third in the BROKEN series, is now available for order  – ebook and print. My labor of love.I hope you’ll order and join my journey:  https://geni.us/BrokenPeople

Join me every Tuesday at 11 am pst/2 pm est on Twitter for my weekly #SexAbuseChat on Twitter Spaces (audio-only). It’s okay if you miss it – I record them! Go to @RachelintheOC to learn more.

The post 10 Motivations to Help You Embark on Your Memoir Writing Journey appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

Community: A Key to Healing Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors

Community Is Key!

Childhood sexual abuse is a traumatic experience that can have long-lasting effects on survivors. It took me nearly four decades to discuss my experiences publicly in my Broken Series of essays and poetry, online, and in groups. While individual therapy, trauma recovery coaching, and self-care practices play a crucial role in healing, the significance of community support cannot be underestimated.

Let’s delve into the importance of community for childhood sexual abuse survivors, exploring how the support and understanding of others’ traumas can aid in our recovery process, and highlighting the transformative impact a compassionate and empathetic community can have on survivors’ lives.

Want to learn more about trauma recovery coaching? Connect with the International Association of Trauma Recovery Coaching. 

Building a Safe Harbor

Just as a lighthouse guides ships to safety, a community can serve as a safe harbor for childhood sexual abuse survivors. Sharing experiences with others who have gone through similar trauma can create a sense of belonging and validation that is vital to our healing process. Survivors often struggle with feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation, which can be alleviated by the supportive presence of a community that understands their journey.

Analogous to a life jacket, community support provides survivors with a lifeline in times of distress. By connecting with others who have navigated similar challenges, survivors gain access to shared wisdom, coping strategies, and emotional resilience. Community-based support groups, survivor networks, and online forums are excellent resources where survivors can find solace, guidance, and empathy.

Where do you hang out online? Do a quick search on topics relating to trauma recovery to connect with other survivors, groups, and communities.

Empowering Survivor Voices

Communities play a pivotal role in empowering us to reclaim our voices and regain a sense of agency. Much like a choir harmonizes diverse voices into a beautiful melody, the collective support of a community amplifies the individual survivor’s voice, instilling courage and strength.

And communities are everywhere – in real life, on social media, and in social groups (see my Twitter community info below). Whatever community looks like for you is always the right choice.

Supportive communities create spaces where survivors can share their stories, be heard without judgment, and express their emotions. This process helps survivors break the silence that often surrounds abuse, enabling them to confront their pain, process their trauma, and begin their healing journey.

Peer support and advocacy groups offer survivors opportunities to engage in storytelling, public speaking, and advocacy, empowering them to transform their experiences into powerful tools for change.

Join my free #SexAbuseChat Kindreds Community on Twitter! I also have a wonderfully supportive Twitter DM group – LMK in the comments if you’d like to join us in either or both. (I also have a small survivor Facebook group – if that’s your preference, again, let me know!)

Not therapy. Community. 

Fostering Resilience and Growth

A nurturing community can serve as fertile soil for survivors, enabling them to grow and thrive despite the adversity they have faced. Just as a garden flourishes when tended to with care, survivors flourish when surrounded by a supportive community.

Communities provide a network of emotional support, validation, and encouragement, fostering resilience in survivors.

Through shared experiences, we can learn coping mechanisms, build self-esteem, and develop a renewed sense of trust in others. The process of healing becomes less daunting when survivors witness the strength and resilience of their peers.

Furthermore, community involvement offers survivors opportunities to engage in meaningful activities and find a sense of purpose. Volunteering, mentoring, or participating in advocacy initiatives allow survivors to reclaim their identity beyond the trauma, empowering them to make a positive impact on others and themselves.

The Power of Community for Trauma Survivors

Childhood sexual abuse survivors face unique challenges on our journey toward healing, but the power of community cannot be overstated. By providing a safe harbor, empowering survivor voices, and fostering resilience and growth, communities offer survivors the empathy, validation, and support necessary for healing.

Just as a lighthouse guides ships to safety, a community can illuminate the path to recovery for survivors. By harmonizing diverse voices, communities empower us to reclaim their narratives and find strength in our stories. Our voices matter. And like a well-tended garden, a nurturing community nurtures resilience and growth in survivors, enabling them to bloom and flourish.

As society continues to address the issue of childhood sexual abuse, it is crucial that we recognize the vital role of community support.

By creating safe spaces, amplifying survivor voices, and nurturing resilience, communities have the power to transform the lives of survivors. Let us come together as a compassionate and understanding community, standing shoulder to shoulder with survivors as they heal, grow, and reclaim their lives.

Remember, healing is possible, and together, we can make all survivor voices count.

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BROKEN PEOPLE, the third in the BROKEN series, is now available for order  – ebook and print. My labor of love.I hope you’ll order and join my journey: https://geni.us/BrokenPeople

Join me every Tuesday at 11 am pst/2 pm est on Twitter for my weekly #SexAbuseChat on Twitter Spaces (audio-only). It’s okay if you miss it – I record them! Go to @RachelintheOC to learn more.

The post Community: A Key to Healing Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

How Is Anger Helpful? Here are 5 Powerful Benefits

As trauma survivors, feeling or expressing anger over what we experienced, even decades earlier, is a completely normal emotional reaction to a drastic, abnormal situation. We are often taught, especially as children, that anger is bad, rude, or unacceptable.

Anger isn’t good or bad. Like all emotions aren’t good or bad, positive or negative, or even harmful; it’s how we manage our emotions and how they manifest that can have consequences (not always negative; see more below). The problems start when anger becomes hostile or morphs into aggressive behaviors that cause harm.

Anger, manifested in a way that helps and doesn’t harm, can be a powerful motivator. Let’s discuss…

The Role of Anger

Anger is an emotion that has been considered taboo in our society for far too long. It is often seen as a negative emotion, however, it can be beneficial if used appropriately. In certain cases, it can signal the presence of underlying issues such as trauma or mental health issues and should be addressed accordingly.

When dealing with our own anger, it is important to understand why we feel this way and how we can manage it in a healthy manner. It can act as a protective mechanism against difficult situations and provides us with the strength to confront them without fear or hesitation. If we never learn how to recognize when our emotions are running high and take steps to address them properly, then these feelings may manifest in more harmful ways down the line.

Therefore, understanding the role of anger in our lives is critical for both personal growth and successful relationships with those around us.

In my own healing recovery journey, I learned to welcome anger. Whether it’s from wrongs someone did, or misplaced anger at someone, learning to sit with this emotion instead of doing anything to avoid feeling uncomfortable is a learned behavior, and is connected to understanding emotional intelligence.

Why am I angry? Ask yourself that question to start the healing process.

1. Benefits of Anger

We all experience anger at some point in our lives, and it can be a powerful tool for transformation. When used correctly, anger can have tremendous benefits for our mental health and can even help us heal from past trauma.

It’s important to recognize that anger is not something to feel ashamed of or to suppress; rather, it can be an opportunity to better understand ourselves and the world around us. By confronting the things that make us angry, we are able to develop greater insight into what we need in order to thrive emotionally. Anger also helps give us the energy and focus necessary for change.

When we learn how to use our anger constructively, it provides a pathway toward healing old wounds and creating meaningful relationships with others.

Anger has absolutely inspired and motivated me to do better, reach further, or walk away.

2. Physiological Effects

Anger can be a difficult emotion to manage, and it’s natural for people to experience it from time to time. However, when anger gets out of hand and is not managed properly, it can have serious physiological effects on our mental health.

The body reacts physiologically when we become angry, whether in response to an upsetting situation or simply because of an overwhelming feeling of frustration. The heart rate increases and the body releases adrenaline and cortisol into the bloodstream; these hormones are known to trigger aggression in some individuals. In addition, anger causes a decrease in serotonin levels which can lead to mood swings or depression.

It’s important that people understand our triggers for anger so we can better recognize them and take steps toward managing our reactions before things get out of control.

Tip: Move your body, write it out, do some grounding exercises, put on some music, pet your cat. Redirecting that anger into other activities, particularly creative endeavors, stimulates different areas of the brain than anger, allowing you to move away from anger into something deeper.

via HelpGuide.org

3. Mental Health Effects

Anger is a natural emotion that can serve to protect us when we are in danger. It can also be a sign of trauma, however, and we must not overlook the effects on our mental health.

When left unchecked, long-term anger can lead to serious mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, irritability, and even poor physical health.

In order to reduce the negative impact on our mental well-being, it’s important for us to understand the source of our emotions and develop healthy coping strategies. Taking some time out for yourself or speaking with a therapist or trauma recovery coach about your feelings can help you get to the root cause of your anger and learn how to better manage it in the future.

Furthermore, engaging in calming activities such as yoga or mindfulness meditation may provide an effective way to regulate your feelings and better manage your reactions when faced with difficult situations.

Anger provides insight into ourselves, as it is the layer of deeper issues that we mostly hide. This is why it is important to trace the trail of anger, and dig down to find and address its source. Only after addressing the blockage that leads to anger can we free ourselves from the misery it sometimes induces.

Tip: As part of the trauma recovery coaching certification program I’m doing right now, they teach us that emotions are in the body; feelings are in the brain.

Pain is a feeling but not an emotion. That’s an easy way to remember the difference between emotions and feelings. 

Ask yourself: What am I feeling at this moment in my body? In my mind? Don’t forget your heart and gut instincts. We are powerful beings.

4. Social Effects

Anger is a powerful emotion, and when it’s expressed in a healthy way, it can be an effective and positive tool for resolving conflict. However, when it’s allowed to become overwhelming or uncontrolled, the social effects of anger can be damaging to both mental health and interpersonal relationships.

Individuals who are prone to uncontrolled outbursts of anger may find themselves increasingly isolated from family members, friends, colleagues, and other people they interact with on a daily basis. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and depression as well as long-term trauma if there is no support system available. In addition, individuals may end up in abusive relationships due to their inability to control their emotions.

And while we’re discussing social effects, I’d be remiss without mentioning social media. Lots of angry people on the net. Just because someone engages with you does not mean you have to interact or reply.

Boundaries are wonderful friends.

Surprisingly, anger can trigger optimism (not to be confused with toxic positivity, which I’ve written about here). Anger can encourage us to focus on what we hope to achieve, rather than on the effects of what created the anger in the first place.5. Coping Mechanisms

Anger can manifest in many different ways, from lashing out verbally to shutting down emotionally. In order to best regulate this emotion and protect our mental health, it’s important to identify the various coping mechanisms available to us.

When dealing with anger, mindfulness is key. Taking a moment to pause and reflect on the situation before reacting will not only give you time to think through your options but also help you gain control over how you express your emotions in the long run. Additionally, try talking about how you’re feeling with someone you trust; simply expressing yourself can often provide some much-needed relief and perspective.

For those who have experienced trauma or high levels of stress, it might be beneficial to find an outlet for those pent-up emotions such as exercising, journaling, putting on music you enjoy, reading, art, or doing grounding exercises.

A note on numbness and/or dissociation: We may turn to coping mechanisms that help us turn off strong emotions, such as weed, alcohol, food, or sex (all activities that stimulate the reward centers of our brains). Remember that focusing on sitting with these strong emotions is the best way to understand what exactly is bothering you, and why you’re feeling what you feel.

Unchecked or unmanaged anger can become dangerous. When individuals are not able to effectively process their anger in a constructive manner, they may be at risk of developing an addiction due to the impact it has on their mental health. Anger is often rooted in trauma, and if unresolved can cause further issues such as anxiety or depression. In these cases, people may find themselves turning to drugs or alcohol in order to cope with their emotions.

This behavior can quickly spiral out of control leading to long-term addiction problems. It is important for those struggling with anger and its effects to seek help from professionals who specialize in treating mental health conditions.

Therapy, trauma recovery coaching, and support groups are excellent resources for those dealing with anger-related issues and substance abuse problems.

6. Deeper Truths

Anger can provide an opportunity for reflection and reconnection with our innermost feelings and emotions.
When we focus on managing our anger rather than avoiding or pushing it aside, it gives us access to self-awareness about what is triggering the feeling in the first place.

By allowing ourselves to explore these feelings through mindfulness practices such as journaling or meditation, we can begin to unpack the underlying causes of this emotion – be it mental health issues, trauma, or unresolved pain from the past.

I started sharing the #WriteWhatScaresYou hashtag when I wrote my first Broken book (Broken Pieces), and it still applies. Deep is where our stories lie.

Tip: Want to dip your toe into writing about past traumas? Let’s connect! Sign up for my newsletter to accompany me on my own #WritingTrauma journey in writing a trauma-informed writing guide based on my own recovery, writing skills, and most importantly, with a trauma-researched and informed way to help you focus on feeling safe.

Channeling the Power of Anger

My trauma recovery coach and I are exploring the role anger has in my own life, and we both agree, there’s an almost mystical element to expressing and harnessing anger. I don’t mean religious (though it might be for you).

There’s an alchemy to it, and when we learn how it can help us, we learn how we can help ourselves and others.

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BROKEN PEOPLE, the third in the BROKEN series, is now available for order  – ebook and print. My labor of love.I hope you’ll order and join my journey: https://geni.us/BrokenPeople

The post How Is Anger Helpful? Here are 5 Powerful Benefits appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

Five Wounds I Sustained Growing Up In a Cult with guest @VennieKocsis

Wounds of a Cult Child

Being a child who has been abused is like growing up in a world where everything is backward. In my mind, that world existed within the context of a terrifying movie. My autobiography, titled “Cult Child,” details how I was taken in by a wilderness cult when I was only three years old.

Up until the age of fourteen, I was completely isolated from the rest of society. My life was an abusive reenactment of the movie “The Village,” and I had no contact with the outside world. Everything that lay outside of the forest was presented to us as being far more terrifying than the secluded and secure life that we led in the service of God.

These are the primary ways in which I was impacted by having this kind of childhood.No Identity Development

Bible verses like “idle work is the devil’s hands” were used as the basis for the ground rules that the Move of God cult https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Move_(Sam_Fife) implemented for its young members. They adhered to the principle that children should always be kept occupied and not be permitted to engage in any form of play; however, this viewpoint was eventually modified to permit only restricted play.

There was no time for self-discovery due to the intense and demanding daily routine that was being followed. Immediately after a child was born or brought into the cult, these systems and methods were implemented and administered to the child. The notion that children are inherently evil and should be treated as such was another mind-boggling aspect of the theology. It was up to us to rid ourselves of that beast in whatever way was necessary, whether that be through seclusion, severe punishment, or some other approach.

“I’ve seen a woman slap a five-month-old-baby for crying while lying on the floor during a service at 10 pm at night with people around it shouting and singing.” A child, Fife says, has “the same kind of nature the demons have. The demons can’t make him be any worse than he is” because he was “rebellious against God from the day he was born,” he says in a tape-recorded sermon.” (“Harsh Sect,” Charleston Daily, 1975)

We did not have any protection from potential sexual assaulters. I was immediately targeted by predators, and this behavior persisted all the way up until I was a pre-teen. There was nowhere for me to go that was secure and free from sexual assaulters. As a direct consequence of this, I started to feel disconnected from my physical body. It was like walking around in a shell the whole time. A child who is subjected to sexual abuse is tasked with a life-long wound. After so many years had passed, I had become a mindless automaton, and all I wanted to do was survive each day. Inside, I was shattered and broken to pieces.

I was brought up believing that my entire life, including each breath I took and every word I read, listened to, and spoke, should be devoted to an evangelical faith. As a result of this belief, I was not permitted to explore any of my natural abilities unrelated to singing. I had a passion for singing, so when I was a preteen and in my early teenage years, I jumped at any opportunity to participate in the music section of the church.

I sang out loudly during the service because I want my voice to be heard above the rest of the congregation. Because of my excessive volume, I got in trouble. My singing ability was never recognized as anything particularly exceptional by anyone.

I used to enjoy drawing and writing little poems in my spare time. I did this behind closed doors, using scraps of paper ripped out of the notebooks we had to use for the rudimentary education we received. If any drawings were made or feelings were conveyed through writing, these expressions could be used as evidence against us. As a result, I had to keep my writing a secret, and I stuffed my feelings deep inside. In my book, “Cult Child,” I share how I used to write on scraps of paper that were so small that I chewed them up like gum. On other occasions, I would fold the paper or make small little books out of paper, and then I would hide them in a nook in a tree that was located close to our cabin.

Only reading, mathematics, and a small amount of biology, primarily plants and farming, were taught to us so that we could function independently on the self-sufficient compound encompassing more than 200 acres. Classes in baking and cooking were offered to us ladies. Everything we studied was geared toward preparing us for our future roles as members of the cult, so the focus of our education was inevitable. When we turned twelve years old, we were required to undergo training in various survival techniques, including how to build mountain shelters, hiking miles a day with 50-pound backpacks, refining the expertise of shooting weapons and more.

We did not have access to either electricity or running water at the Alaska compound. Our days consisted of beginning with prayer, followed by a brief period of education, and then either laboring in the fields or the kitchens. When the day was over, we were responsible for maintaining both our cabin and the small lot that it sat on if we did not have night church service.

When our thoughts turned away from God and toward ourselves, our own wants, and requirements, we were instructed that this was a sign of selfishness and a violation of God’s will. Any form of self-glorification was strictly forbidden and could result in a child receiving a beating or an adult receiving a tongue lashing that lasted for several hours straight from a group of elders. Everything that we were and did throughout our lives was done as a form of service to the religion.

Because of this, I grew up without any comprehension of my own identity or even of how to function in the society of any other place.

Social Ignorance

Being cut off from the rest of the world makes a person oblivious to society’s standards. If we are not allowed to interact with other children outside of the environment in which we are being controlled, we will never learn how to navigate the various social sectors that exist in our society. For example, I only knew other children who were like me, little girls who always wore skirts and whose conversation was frequently geared toward the responsibilities that were involved in our life of self-sufficiency.

I never watched any of the popular television shows or heard music or any social constructs from the 1960s, 1970s, or early 1980s, because I was never exposed to any of that popular culture.

This kind of social divide can also be seen in children who are homeschooled or who are raised in home religious environments that do not permit them to be exposed to parts of society that will help them navigate the world better as adults. Additionally visible in adulthood is this type of social stratification.

When I was fourteen, we escaped the cult, and after we moved on, I enrolled in a traditional school. I could only understand a fragment of what my contemporaries were often discussing.

One day in school, just a month after leaving the cult, the most popular boy in my class was discussing with a few other students about a musician by the name of John Cougar Mellencamp. I had the impression that they would discuss a particular subspecies of cougars. Therefore, to blend in, I blurted out, “Oh, yes! That kind of cougar is well-known to me!” After hearing my response, the young man and his companions gave me an odd look and inquired whether I was even familiar with John Cougar Mellencamp.

I froze. I was oblivious to the fact. I was put in an awkward situation, but I quickly got out of it by acting as though I was making a joke. This allowed me to get out of the situation without further incident. They regarded me as odd and peculiar in their eyes. There are a lot of situations that are very much like this one.

The case of Jordan Turpin provides an unsettling illustration of how extreme isolation can lead to a lack of knowledge of basic life skills. In response to a police officer’s inquiry about whether she was taking medication, Jordan Turpin asked, “What is medication?” This is an example of how extreme isolation can lead to a lack of knowledge of basic life skills. She was completely oblivious to the meanings of terms such as scrapes and injuries.

This short video, which is only eight minutes long, is an example of what can happen to the mind of a child when that child is isolated from the rest of society.

My upbringing in seclusion, away from other people and their influences, held me back for many years. I was clueless about the fundamentals of common forms of social interaction. I was completely ignorant of history and the dynamics of different races and cultures.

I never felt comfortable in groups or cliques. The transition into the working world was difficult. Childhood trauma trained me to be the most objective observer possible. It was this very skill that embedded itself into my central nervous system, heightening my senses and working to try and keep me safe by avoiding danger through hyper-awareness of my surroundings.

Fear

As a child, I experienced multiple forms of fear in my environment. The biblical instruction that we followed was extremely heavy on eschatology and demonology. Every single evil from the Bible was mined to create a tool for mind control and to keep us in constant fear. There was a consistent fear of being physically abused, which stemmed from the practice of justifying many traumas, including but not limited to the killing of animals in the name of God, as well as the abhorrent treatment of children, including beatings and exorcisms.

The concepts of fear were used to carry out abusive behavior that was psychological in nature. We dreaded the arrival of the end of times when everything would be annihilated forever. I would find out later that ever since the beginning of human history, people have had naturally evil tendencies.

The uncomfortable paranoia that God was always watching, everywhere, always was present.

My post “How I Was Trauma Bonded With God” explores how God was utilized to instill fear into our minds.

We were instilled with an irrational fear of medical professionals because they practiced science, which was considered a demonic instrument. Going to medical professionals was also seen as showing contempt for God. In my book, “Cult Child,” I go into detail about the time that kerosene exploded in my face, as well as how the cult and my mother dealt with the situation.

Fear of a Russian invasion served as a tool of control during that time, a product of The Cold War.  We were repeatedly warned to keep an eye on the mountains because the Russians could potentially send troops through them. From time to time, aircraft from Eielson Air Force Base would pass through the area. My ignorance regarding the location of a nearby Air Force Base, and my lack of familiarity with general military information, caused my heart rate to quicken whenever I saw a military aircraft in the sky.

My first thought was that it was a Russian bomber about to release its payload of bombs. After it completed its circuit over the compound, I’d finally be able to take a deep breath.

We ran drills to prepare for a Russian invasion and for the possibility of a bomb being dropped, during which we practiced falling to the ground and curling up into a ball with our heads tucked. Given the fact that this would not shield anyone from the effects of a bomb, it seems laughable to even consider doing so now.

When a person is only aware of or believes in the things that contribute to their fear, that fear is at its most potent. Fear was extremely prevalent among the adults in my immediate environment. I could see it in their eyes, in the way that they would stop what they were doing to pray, in the urgent conversations they were having, and in the constant chaos that their paranoia created in the energy that was around me.

Anger

I harbored a lot of resentment toward the adults and the general governmental and social systems that I felt were responsible for my suffering. My actions were dictated by it for a period. I didn’t let anyone close. I detested bullies and frequently got into fights with them, but because it was the 1980s, we had to settle our differences after school. We devised strategies for combat, and I quickly responded to specific challenges involving bullies.

I channeled my rage into defending myself and others, which was something I was unable to do while I was a member of the cult. I felt empowered.

The birth of my children caused a shift in this anger, bringing the pain to the surface. It was extremely loud. The anguish and confusion that I had been going through at the time seeps through every poem that I wrote during that period. While I was living my life and raising my sons, the pain kept my mind from settling down and became too much for me to process. The suffering would shake me to my very core.

The sense of loss associated with a childhood that can never be reclaimed is a chasm of grief.

My happiness was suffocated for a very long time by the pain, which turned into quicksand. That anguish was being projected through the anger. The suffering felt all too familiar. The only time I felt I could express myself freely was when I was angry. My inability to articulate my feelings prevented others from understanding them. I’d never been given the opportunity to voice them. No one ever taught me how.

Complex PTSD

“There are two types of people who develop Complex PTSD. Soldiers of war and abused children. No child should ever know war.”

~ Hillary Whitaker Clark, PsyD

My childhood was spent in an atmosphere that was fraught with peril, and as a result, I have some physical limitations. In addition to developing physical impairments like joint pain and fibromyalgia, I also struggled for years with other aspects of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).

What is CPTSD? 

From childhood into adulthood, I lived in a state of anxiety. My musculoskeletal system automatically transformed into a state of constant fight or flight readiness. Nothing in my environment or in my life gave me a sense of security. I didn’t trust people. I was always acutely aware. I took measures to make myself feel more secure in the world by developing various systems.

I lived in a cloudy state of dissociation and had the constant sensation that I was moving between worlds that were otherworldly. My entire being, including my mind and my body, had become accustomed to the process of getting ready to fly. My childhood experiences with near-death situations and being outside of my body have conditioned me to run away from anything that even remotely resembled a threat.

In my article titled “What Happens When We Dissociate,“ I go into greater depth regarding the emotions and sensations that are associated with living with this disorder.

My surroundings were like a constant mist; they were full of stimuli that could set off my anxiety. They were present in the tones of people’s voices, the way things were said, moments on television, life situations, and things I read, and it was difficult for me to get through the day as I attempted to process the weight of the secular world. They were present in all these locations as well as others.

The effect of this wounding persisted for many years, and it continued to have a profound influence on my life even as I struggled to make sense of what had happened to me. There were many times when I had the sensation that my childhood was a distant mirage; it was so fraught with horror that it felt as if it happened to someone else. My childhood experiences of being abused and tortured created a dreamlike layer over my brain.

I tried to forget what happened to me, and as a result, I slipped into traumatic amnesia, which caused my physical body to suffer.

Repairing all these gaping wounds, caused by repeated blows, would be a challenging and time-consuming endeavor. I was a ruinous heap of ruins. As I stood there and looked at it, I felt completely overwhelmed with how to take the pieces and construct my structure in a way that was unique to me. After that, I learned how to do the work, and I started an extended and challenging process of letting go of traumatic experiences, with the goal of bringing everything to the surface and getting it out of my body.

There will be peace after the storm for those who are struggling under the weight of these woundings.

Please subscribe to my personal blog if you would like to receive Part Two of this article, which will discuss the various ways that I processed complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) and created a life that was centered around healing.

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Subscribe to Vennie’s Blog Vennie Kocsis is the author of “Cult Child,” notably on Book Riot’s 100 Must Read Books About Life In Cults and Oppressive Religious Sects . Vennie is a trauma healing advocate and outspoken ambassador for the rights of children in America. Please her Petition To End Child Abuse and Neglect In America.Vennie supports healing through the arts. Visit her website to browse her art gallery. Vennie hosts Poetry Lights, a live podcast broadcast through Twitter Spaces (audio-only).

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BROKEN PEOPLE, the third in the BROKEN series, is now available for order  – ebook and print. My labor of love.I hope you’ll order and join my journey: https://geni.us/BrokenPeople

The post Five Wounds I Sustained Growing Up In a Cult with guest @VennieKocsis appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

I Had Emergency Gallbladder Surgery. This Is How I Knew Something Was Terribly Wrong

What are the signs and symptoms of a gallbladder attack? Let’s discuss, so YOU know what to look for…

Something felt very wrong when I woke up at 6 am on a Saturday morning in early October.

Off.

Not good.

Terrible pain in my upper right abdominal area, just under the ribs, accompanied by worse-than-pregnancy nausea. I had no fever, but I did have severe chills and clamminess.

Something was seriously not okay. 

Run through the mental checklist:

Was I perhaps constipated? (Sorry, real talk today.) No.Had I eaten or drunk something that didn’t agree with me? Not that I could think of.

I popped a few Tylenol and went back to sleep.

When I woke a few hours later, the pain and nausea had lessened significantly, so I went on about my day: errands, lunch with my daughter, and a nail appointment. Typical Saturday.

When we got home from all that, the pain intensified quickly, and nausea became unbearable. After a few more hours of thinking I was just having some GI issue, my guy looked at me and said, “Baby. You’re whiter than a sheet. In our eight years together, I’ve never seen you like this. Let’s go to the ER.”

My wonderful man, who hates hospitals and anything medical, made the decision for me because I was completely incapable of rational thought. I became a quivering ball of pain. That’s it.

My 23-year-old daughter helped get me in my car and drove us all to the closest hospital ER (my guy doesn’t drive). Those five miles felt like the longest of my life as I felt every bump times one thousand.

I’m here. In the ER. Where’s the relief?

Emergency rooms are helpful for many things, but rapidity isn’t always one of them, depending on the issue at hand. After triage (first assessment), and tests (labs and ultrasound) which took several hours, they finally gave me one pain pill (hydrocodone) and one anti-nausea med (Zofran).

At this point, I’ve been in terrible, unrelenting pain for over 8 hours. Now listen: I get migraines. I’ve given birth twice. I’ve had kidney stones. None a walk in the park, but compared to what I was feeling, those were kiddie rides.

Liver enzymes = high. White blood cell count = high. Distress and pain level = high. This was not going to resolve on its own. They confirmed what I had feared — that I’d need emergency surgery. They admitted me to the ER at that point, placing me in a temporary room until they had an available patient room.

Talk with the surgeon. For two minutes. Decide.

My mom, a retired x-ray tech, has always reminded us that surgeons love to cut, so always get a second opinion. I would have handed the surgeon the scalpel right then and there at my pain level. Fortunately, they gave me a room and put me on Fentanyl via IV.

Finally…relief!

A few hours later, around 5 am, I’m abruptly woken by the morning lab tech. The surgeon entered no more than an hour later and said, “Let’s remove it. Your blood work shows severe distress, which will not go away by itself. And these painful attacks will just keep happening.”

I don’t get a second opinion. Any anxiety I had (which I did) is quickly remedied by the pain and nausea I was experiencing. The pain and nausea provide a quick answer.

“Get the f*cker out,” were, I believe, my exact words. The nurse smiled in agreement.

Surgery was not on my weekend activity schedule, but okay…

The surgery team prepped me and wheeled me into surgery at 7 am that Sunday morning, less than 24 hours since all this fun started. I’ve been a patient for maybe five hours at this point.

Opioid pain meds and Zofran had managed the horrific symptoms slightly, but I knew I had to put my faith in their capable hands and have them remove my gallbladder to avoid future issues.

When I awoke in recovery, I immediately recognized that I was dealing with a completely different kind of pain: surgical pain. Abdominal surgery is serious sh*t.

Breathing hurt. Moving hurt. Sleeping hurt.

They kept me for 2 more nights, managing my pain, checking my labs, and trying to get me to poop (sorry). If you’ve ever been in the hospital, you know of what I speak. All body systems must be a “go” before you leave.

How did I know what it was?

I didn’t. Had no clue. Came out of nowhere. Most people walk around for years, decades even, without a single gallbladder issue — even with gallstones — and have no idea. I certainly didn’t.

So here’s what to look for:

When gallstones get stuck while traveling through the duct (tube) to the stomach, they block the outflow of bile, which causes the gallbladder to spasm. This usually leads to sharp pain, like being cut by a knife, under the rib cage in the upper right side or center of the abdomen. The pain can be so severe that it takes your breath away. You might mistake it for a heart attack.

Other common symptoms of a gallbladder attack include:

• Pain that lasts several hours

• Abdominal pain after eating

• Nausea or vomiting

• Fever or chills

• Light-colored stool

• Brownish-colored urine

• Yellowing of skin or whites of eyes

Seek immediate medical care if you are having some of these symptoms ( Johns Hopkins ).

I know jack about gallbladders (though the Big Pharma company I worked for had a gallstone product, I never sold it), so I had no idea what it does or if I even needed it.

Oh, well. Gally (rhymes with Molly) had to go. Bye, now.

Gallbladder removal surgery (cholecystectomy) is frequently performed laparoscopically, as mine was.

During this minimally invasive procedure, a tiny camera is inserted into one of several keyhole-size incisions to guide the surgeon in the removal process. The benefits of laparoscopic surgery include less need for pain medication and a quicker recovery. (Johns Hopkins)

The surgeon explained that I was having what was basically colic. No wonder babies scream for hours with it, poor little things.

Am I okay without a gallbladder?

What does our gallbladder do exactly? Will I be able to live functionally without it? Why do we have it if it’s not necessary, Evolution?

Your gallbladder is a small, pear-shaped organ that stores and releases bile. Bile is the fluid your liver produces that helps digest fats in your food. ( Cleveland Clinic )

It stores small amounts of bile that are released into the small intestine after eating to aid in the digestion of fats. However, it can also become the source of painful and troublesome symptoms should it become inflamed or develop gallstones.

Gallbladders are considered vestigial organs — not necessary for life. Fun fact: gallstones can still form without a gallbladder, so having surgery didn’t eradicate that possibility. Yay.

The presence of gallstones in the common bile duct is known as choledocholithiasis. They can also be found in the cystic duct and common hepatic duct. They are also known as bile duct stones or gallstones in the bile duct. Bile duct stones are made up of bile pigments or calcium or cholesterol salts ( Disease Fix ).

Friends and family are amazing. Nurses are angels here on earth. And you never know where you’ll meet a new friend.

They wheeled T into my semi-private room at about midday on Sunday. I was out of it from the anesthesia, so I didn’t even notice I had a roommate til much later that day.

We introduced ourselves and soon crashed.

When the lab tech came in at 5 am the next morning to take T.’s blood, I hear the agony in her voice as they keep poking at her. Her veins are so depleted, they can’t get a good draw. She was back in the hospital due to surgery complications and was clearly in enormous pain.

I called for the nurse, got up out of bed, walked over, and asked if I could hold her hand. “Please, sweetheart,” she replied. I sat and held her hand for just a few minutes, but that’s all it took to form a bond.

I scooched back to my bed, IV pole and all, when help came. Being there for someone else, even for only those few minutes amid my mess, helped me further understand the meaning of compassion.

T. is Christian. I was raised Jewish. She’s black. I’m white. Didn’t matter. We were both at our most vulnerable and alone. My heart grew even more. She says God brought us together. While not religious, I agree that a universal energy force brought us together.

Who knew that this dreadful experience would bring such light?

Okay, so I’m home.

Surgery is hard on the body. Even a relatively healthy body like mine. Even with “just” a laparoscopy. They sent me home with prescriptions for an opioid (one every six hours as needed for pain; no longer than a week), stool softeners, and an antibiotic, with recs for OTC meds once the surgical pain calmed down.

Sure, at 58, I’m not as fit as when I was younger, and an athlete, but ya know…life. Pandemic. Time. Weight loss can also trigger gallbladder issues.

Doctors learn about the 5 Fs for gallbladder disease in medical school:

fairfatfemalefertile, andforty

Well, I’m fair, female, not fertile, well over 40…am I fat? I’m certainly not stick thin, and have lost 25 pounds over the past few years. Thanks for sharing this with me, medical community. (And, not always true, considering my father had his removed a few years back, and except for ‘fair,’ he had none of the other issues.)

What about another F: family history? Is gallbladder disease hereditary? Each doctor told me something different. More here:

Validating the 5Fs mnemonic for cholelithiasis: time to include family history — PubMed https://buff.ly/3Dz9Z9m

Moving on…

Let’s discuss pain and pain meds.

It’s no secret that we have an opioid problem, pretty much wherever one lives in the world. Humans experience pain. We need pain relief. Opioids definitely have their place as they manage pain effectively (when not abused).

As a former rep, I saw first-hand the damage done by opioid addiction (I sold blood pressure meds — nothing exciting). With the advent of oxycontin, that increased a million-fold.

I’m grateful these meds are still used in a well-monitored hospital setting. It would be unimaginable otherwise. When I say the pain was awful, I mean on a scale of 1–10, I was at 100. Dilaudid was the primary IV pain med they used 24 hours post-surgery; switched to oral the next day.

There are downsides, of course. I have naturally very low blood pressure, and opioids can cause it to go down even more. Not great. They cause constipation, which is antithetical to being released. Tylenol alone can be effective post-op (there’s even an IV version); however, it can also cause an increase in liver enzymes. Not good when we’re already taking pain relief containing acetaminophen, which can be hard on the liver.

As of today, I’m only taking OTC Aleve, and that‘s pretty effective. Hope to be off that in another week.

Going forward…

I had already changed my eating habits after the first year of the pandemic and lost weight. Now, I have to be even more mindful of healthy eating.

Gallstones can still form even without a gallbladder. Who knew? 

Low-fat diets are crucial to maintain gut health without Gally. Smaller portions are also very helpful, as I’m still dealing with the carbon dioxide gas pumped into my tummy (which inflates the abdomen to make it easier for my surgeon to access my gallbladder). This should be gone completely 4–6 weeks, post-surgery.

Every nurse I met there, save one, had her gallbladder removed. Also, just being female puts us at higher risk:

According to the American College of Gastroenterology, women between the ages of 20 and 60 are three times more likely to develop gallstones than men (San Diego Tribune).

Lessons learned…Don’t wait to go to the ER because you feel like “it’s not that big a deal.” Most of us are not medical professionals. If it feels wrong, it is. Trust your gut.Listen to the nurses. The care I received was amazing, and I have an HMO, not some fancy insurance. Nurses don’t care. They want to help.Ask a lot of questions. Being our own advocate is crucial, even when incapacitated.Hospital food isn’t nearly as disgusting as I remembered; however, I still wouldn’t eat the meatloaf (loathe it). No, I won’t like your recipe, either. Don’t put sugar in your scrambled eggs. One would think I’d know this, but, pain meds. (What. They both start with an S, and I was loopy. The nurses said it happens all the time. That, or patients put salt in their coffee.)

Soooo many people have asked me, ‘How did you know what it was?” and my answer is the same to everyone: I didn’t.

I trusted my gut, my guy, and the healthcare system. Being incapacitated is a fear I’ve carried around for decades, most particularly as a single mom of two and the family breadwinner. Fortunately, I have systems and tools in place for BadRedhead Media, so everything went smoothly, work-wise.

I’m still processing the entire experience, but I know this is true: I’m a survivor in every sense, and this proved that even further. For that, I’m truly grateful.

 

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My BROKEN PEOPLE, the third in the BROKEN series, is now available for order  – ebook and print. My labor of love.I hope you’ll order and join my journey: https://geni.us/BrokenPeople

 

The post I Had Emergency Gallbladder Surgery. This Is How I Knew Something Was Terribly Wrong appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

Going The Distance In Life. One Survivor’s Story Of Hope! by guest @1SunriseWarrior

So pleased to share my survivor friend, The Sunrise Warrior’s , story. Like many survivors, he struggled with recovery and it’s an ongoing process. I present his post in full, in his voice, speaking for so many of us. Please read, share, and comment.*Trigger warning for childhood sexual abuse, suicidality, language, and guns.

I struggled to write this. 

Maybe it is because my friend Rachel, who I admire, invited me to write this as a guest piece for her blog readers.

It could be because my friend, like myself, is a survivor of child molestation. The topic is sacred ground for me. It’s one thing to write about the topic on my blog, but it is another to write about it on someone else’s.

If I’m totally honest, I’m simply nervous. Nervous because there is a strong probability that you, the reader, are a survivor. The thought of a wide range of survivors reading my work is both exciting and scary as hell. I don’t want to let you down. I want to deliver a message of strength and hope.

If you or a loved one is a survivor of child molestation like me, this post is for you.

Let’s broaden that. If you or a loved one is a child abuse survivor, this post is for you.

Hell, let’s go even further. If you or a loved one identify as a survivor of any kind this post is for you.

Because if you are a survivor then you are one of life’s true fucking underdogs. You are a comeback story. And that makes you my people. This is a story about comebacks!

Badass Motherfuckers

Let’s start here. I want to clear this shit up right now. Survivors are complete badasses. Unfortunately, many of us don’t view ourselves that way. Often we see ourselves as weak and can remain ashamed decades later. I know because that was me. Maybe it is you, too.

When I am the king of the world, survivors everywhere will be comfortable in their own skin and fully appreciate their badassery. We will look in the mirror and see a fucking warrior looking back. 

We will see our muscles, callus, scars, and armor. We are not broken. We are battle-tested. We will appreciate our toughness and grit. It’s not always pretty, but we are world-class fighters.

The Sunrise Warrior, In The Beginning

When I was in fifth grade, I was at a low point. My mind was going crazy and I truly believed that the world would be a better place without me. My inner voice was full of self-hate and I had the amplifier in position. It continually reminded me that I was damaged goods. I needed it to end.

I was on an island all by myself with no one to talk to about my struggle. I was living a double life. One as a well-adjusted, mature ten-year-old. And the other as an isolated and ashamed boy. I didn’t want people to sit in judgment of me. I was afraid to be labeled as gay or bullied as a faggot. Kids can be cruel.

Hope On Hold

I was molested by a male family member since I was in first grade. The abuse had been going on so long that my body was no longer my own. It was his. The acts that we engaged in were not intimate anymore. They were my chores. They were a prize he claimed when he was victorious in our daily cat and mouse game. 

I ran. He chased. I hid. He searched. I detoured. He rerouted. He never let up. He was fucking relentless and I was exhausted. When he caught me, it was simply easier to give him what he wanted. The acts weren’t special anymore. Take what you want so I can move on with my day. 

If I could have exposed him without exposing me, I wonder if I would have. Deep down inside, I blamed myself more than I blamed him. It’s ridiculous for me to think now, but back then, I thought I was the sick fuck. Let that shit sink in. Maybe you can relate.

I thought about telling my mom. She was a good woman but she was barely holding her life together. She was a widow raising two young boys on her own while battling depression. She grinded to provide for her two little boys and never took time to work on herself. That was her greatest failure.

My monster was a well-respected man in the community. He wasn’t a stranger. He was invited in. Everyone seemed to love him. He always had a joke to break the ice and a kind smile on his face. He was a monster of the worst kind. People felt comfortable with him so they easily let their guard down when he was around.

The guilt and shame of my actions were crushing me. I hated myself and my life was on a fucking hamster wheel. I was ready to throw in the towel and I knew how I was going to do it.

Losing Hope: Dad’s Favorite Gun

My father died when I was six. My mother, who wasn’t a fan of guns, wrapped his Colt 38 Special in a towel and hid it in the bottom of her bedroom dresser drawer. She gave the majority of his firearm collection to a family member, but she couldn’t part with dad’s favorite. 

My mother had no idea I knew that she kept his gun. I also knew that she kept half a box of bullets in her desk drawer. It’s amazing what a curious kid can discover.

I sat in my bedroom with the door locked. My palms were sweaty and tears flowed as I weighed the pros and cons of ending it all. I held the gun in my hand and wondered if I had the courage to point it at myself and pull the trigger. 

Each time I contemplated suicide, the only thing that stopped me was the thought of leaving my mother and my little brother behind with no one to protect them. Deep down inside, I was always a protector.

I am so fucking happy I didn’t pull that trigger. What a waste of life that could have been. When I think of how close I came to ending it, I get shivers down my spine. The thought of a world without my three beautiful children is bringing tears to my eyes as I type this. Our lives impact so many others.

Searching For Hope

I needed to find hope.

Where do you locate hope when your circle is small and you are overwhelmed with guilt and shame for your actions? The answer is simple. Anywhere you can. 

I was a kid. I had no support group for my abuse. I didn’t have articles or books on the topic.  I couldn’t talk with my mother. I had no therapist or mentor. I was all alone.

I was desperate. Fortunately, desperate people are capable of great things when they are ready for change. When you are ready, hope appears. You simply need to be open to it.

I started to see hope everywhere I looked. Maybe I found it because I was hyper-aware of my environment. Maybe it came from my active imagination or possibly because I looked outside of the box. I’m not sure. It was probably a combination of all three. 

I filtered every piece of information and stimulus that I encountered. I became a hope miner. I still am.

When you constantly mine for hope and inspiration, glimmers begin to appear. Some deliver just enough hope to help you get through the day while other times you can find an abundance of hope that can last years. It becomes part of your hope treasure chest. Hope is at your disposal when needed. 

Let me share one of my earliest mining wins. This one continues to pay big dividends for me today. 

My Favorite Movie of Hope

I was a little kid when the movie Rocky was released in 1976. My mother wasn’t big on fighting so she didn’t take me to see the film. A few years later, when I was in fifth grade, I finally watched the movie for the first time at a friend’s house. It mesmerized me. It was perfect therapy for a young boy battling internally with his self-worth. 

Rocky was a down on his luck fighter from Philadelphia who got the shot at the heavyweight championship and he made the best of it. More importantly, he had success against an even bigger opponent…himself.

Pause

Right about here you might be questioning whether you should read further. I can sense the doubts. Can this Sunrise Warrior guy expect me to believe that Rocky unlocked the shackles caused by years of child molestation?!

Hang in there. I’m going somewhere with this. I promise to treat childhood trauma and abuse with the respect it truly deserves. 

Un-Pause

I fell in love with the movie as a child. I became obsessed with it. I’m certainly not the first guy to get chills during Rocky’s training montage. It’s the classic underdog story, David versus Goliath. But the movie has come to mean so much more to me.

I am a fifty-one-year-old man who suffered seven years of molestation as a child. I suffered in silence by myself for many years. Once I was mature enough to realize my relationship with my abuser wasn’t a special friendship, I became incredibly ashamed. I internalized my trauma which triggered an internal battle with an enemy more threatening than my abuser…me. 

Victims of child molestation often struggle with hope and self-confidence. We perceive ourselves as damaged goods. Many struggles with drugs, alcohol, sexuality, and obesity. I am no exception.  

We look in the mirror and often hate the beautiful person looking back at us. Some of us attempt or commit suicide while others take a slower path to our premature demise through poor lifestyle choices. 

As victims, we may find ourselves on skid row.

Skid Row

Rocky is a journeyman fighter and in one of the early scenes in the film, Rocky learns that his locker at the boxing gym has been reassigned to another fighter. His boxing gear was placed on skid row. This is a row of hooks on a wall designed to hang canvas bags with a boxer’s gear. Having your gear placed on skid row is the final stop for a washed-up fighter. 

Holy shit, I’ve been on skid row a number of times in my life. That’s where I found myself as a boy in fifth grade. I also found myself there as a teenager with my drug abuse. And later down the road, it’s where I found myself after decades of shitty routines and poor lifestyle choices. So I’m no stranger to skid row. 

In my most recent visit to skid row, I weighed in at 374 pounds. I was taking daily, prescribed medications for heart palpitations, high blood sugar, blood pressure, and cholesterol. I might have held off on pulling the trigger years earlier but make no mistake, my horrible daily routine and poor lifestyle choices were killing me.

I was on that familiar hamster wheel again, watching it happen as if I was a spectator in my own movie.

Some people throw in the towel when they are on skid row. It’s easy to give up when you struggle to believe in yourself. And when you quit on yourself, the world is never very far behind.

Clarity And Purpose

Skid row can be a powerful place to find yourself. When life smacks you hard enough, you can realize that change is needed. When people hit rock bottom, they become desperate. And desperate people have been known to take action.

A small percentage of people are the world’s high achievers. And a similar portion of people are immersed in their personal version of skid row. But the overwhelming majority of people are somewhere in between the two. Their lives don’t suck enough to take meaningful action. 

Obviously, the best place to be is in the high achiever category. But for me, the second-best place to be was on skid row. I was ready to take action. Which group are you in?

If you answered skid row, congratulations! Your comeback story is still being written. 

I’ve got more good news…you are holding the fucking pen. 

Who Are You?

In addition to being a journeyman fighter, Rocky serves as “muscle” for a local loan shark. He certainly looks the part of a street thug but clearly, this is not Rocky at his core. Instead of breaking thumbs, Rocky prefers to deliver stern warnings and lectures. 

Rocky is at a crossroads in his life with a choice to make. Does he follow this path of breaking thumbs for a living, or should he fulfill his potential and be the man he is destined to be? 

Of course, Rocky decides to pursue his dreams and go all-in on himself. The biggest takeaway for me is the realization that opportunity often lies at a crossroads. 

Many days I take out my journal and I ask one question. Who are you? My answers have evolved over the years. Today, I am laser-focused on my answer. At each crossroad in my life, my answers to that simple question gave me the strength to make necessary changes. There is strength in the answer.

Ask yourself the question and let the answer be your guide.

A Shot At The Champ

Rocky gets his shot at the heavyweight champion, Apollo Creed.  We have a similar opportunity. We have the choice to be present in our lives or to fall victim to the negative voice in our heads. As I look at my life, every day is my shot at the champ. At times, the champ gets the best of me. Other times, I win the round. Either way, I show up for the fight. 

My biggest opponent is always me. Sure my abuser is responsible for setting the wheels in motion for my self-destructive tendencies, but ultimately, only I have the power to break my damaging cycle. Fight or become your worst enemy. Two choices. Which do you choose?

Truth be told, many survivors never resolve our inner conflict. It damages our self-being and infects other areas such as family, friendships, and business. Collateral damage is common. The world is getting the forty-percent version of many of us. Wasted talent. 

Today We Get A Shot At The Champ Again

The good news today is that we get a shot at The Champ again. Today, we can battle that self-destructive, self-loathing monster in our heads. It all starts with figuring out who we are or who we want to become. Once we have that clear vision it’s time to take action.

Old Habits Die Hard

Even after Rocky gets his shot at The Champ, he doesn’t believe he can go the distance. He begins to sleepwalk through his opportunity as he has become accustomed to doing. Bad habits are tough to break. Sometimes the greatest opportunity is within our grasp but we sleepwalk right through it. At times we don’t even realize we missed it.

I did the same. There were many times when I promised myself that I would make changes only to fall back into my shitty old routines. Sometimes when faced with doing the real work, old routines can creep back in. It’s time to break that cycle. The secret to success here is to fall into n love with the grind.

 A Flame Of Hope Within

Somewhere deep down there is a flame that burns in Rocky and it burns in many of us too. For Rocky, he needed his mentor and manager Mickey to help him discover his “why.” 

Sometimes survivors need others to help show us the way, to help give us hope. Therapy, counseling, and coaching are all signs of incredible strength, not weakness. 

I’ve had Mickeys in my life. My wife, my trauma therapist, my pastor, countless mentors, and friends I choose to surround myself with in my life. I’ve learned a rising tide raises all ships. 

Who is on your team? Maybe it’s time for a strategic addition.

Going All-In On Ourselves

Going all-in on ourselves completely turns the table on our monsters. We scream, “fuck you!” to the people who tried to extinguish our light. We turn that light up and let that shit shine bright for all to see!

That’s what Rocky’s training montage is for me. It symbolizes going all-in and taking back control of my life at different crossroads. It’s me betting on myself, being completely honest with myself, and peeling back my layers. I’m dialed in and taking action.

Rocky’s run up the Philadelphia Art Museum’s Steps symbolizes the excitement and energy I feel every day I bet on myself. The musical score, the jog, the run, the sprint, the grunting, the jumping at the top of the steps while pumping my fists in the air, that’s me going all the fuck in! At that point, I’d already won!

Every time I hear Gonna Fly Now by Bill Conti I get chills. Most viewers get excited because this is the point where Rocky turns the corner in his comeback story. I get chills because it reminds me of my own badassery. It reminds me of the many corners I turned in my comeback story. It’s my cue for my hope, power, and strength. 

Going the Distance

Life isn’t defined by wins and losses. In the scene before the championship match, Rocky tells his girlfriend Adrian that he isn’t focused on winning his fight against Apollo. Instead, his goal lies in going the distance and standing when the bell rings at the end. 

“Cause all I wanna do is go the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I’m still standing, I’m gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I wasn’t just another bum from the neighborhood.” ~ Rocky

I fucking love this mindset. Life is happening to us every day. Let’s show the fuck up! Give it our best! Let’s go the distance! Forget the results, when we fall in love with the process we won’t need a finish line or a championship belt to define us. We are relentless. We are fucking survivors, remember! We got this shit!!

For me it’s simple. My focus is on getting one percent better every day. No matter how hard life punches. I’m fucking moving forward. Again, it might not be pretty but I’m going the distance. Life will not defeat me. I’m not another bum from the neighborhood.

Setting Hope Cues

I notice I’ve set trauma recovery cues over my life. Sunrise is an obvious one for me. It’s like hitting a reset button. Meditation is another. I love to disconnect my hyperactive brain from activity for a short period. I also use music to set daily cues. 

Going The Distance by Bill Conti is likely the song I listen to most frequently. It immediately puts me into a warrior mindset of power and action. Anytime I feel defeated by life, I simply need to dial the song up on my playlist. Close my eyes. Breath deep and listen. 

Two minutes and forty-one seconds is all I need to flip my switch into one of power, grit, and action. Hell, eleven seconds into the song after the four bells, I’m fucking pumped and ready to take on the world and anyone who gets in my way.

Fight Day

Let’s face it. This is why I really love this movie so much. Fight day is here and Apollo thinks it’s a show. The two fighters go out in the first round and Rocky deals The Champ a crushing blow from out of nowhere that sends The Champ to the canvas. The Champ has grossly underestimated his opponent.

Ours is a fight where stakes are much higher than wins and losses. This is our life and we need to punch back. It’s time for us to deal a crushing blow to our opponent to show them this isn’t a show. This is personal and we’ve come to fight. 

14th Round – Almost There 

Thirteen rounds pass with Rocky and Apollo in a war. Rocky has outperformed anything viewers could have imagined by standing toe to toe with The Champ. Rocky has earned the respect of everyone in the building including Apollo and Mickey, his mentor and trainer.

The fourteenth of fifteen rounds begins, and Apollo lands a series of combination punches and Rocky is on the ropes. Apollo is going for the knockout. 

Apollo lands a big punch and Rocky goes to one knee but bounces right back up again. Then the Champ delivers a knockout blow and Rocky falls to the canvas. 

The Champ retreats to his corner with his hands held high in the air in anticipation of the knockout win. The referee starts to count…one…two…

Rocky is trying to use the boxing ropes as leverage to get up. Mickey yells at Rocky…”Stay down, stay down,” knowing Rocky has proved he was a worthy opponent.

Rocky refuses to stay down. He slowly uses the ring ropes to pull himself up as the referee continues to count…seven…eight…nine…but Rocky stands up before the 10 count and signals with his gloves that he is okay…

…Meanwhile, Rocky’s girlfriend Adrian, who didn’t want to watch the fight, was waiting in the locker room. She can’t contain her curiosity when she hears the pandemonium in the stands as Rocky was laying on the canvas. She enters the arena area and sees Rocky get up and signal he is okay.

Adrian closes her eyes for a second or two in fear but then opens her eyes as a look of strength and confidence appears on her face. She knows who Rocky is and she knows he is committed to going the distance. He’s not going to stop until the bell rings. Rocky is a warrior, a survivor if you will, and he’s not going to stop battling.

…Apollo, who thought he knocked out his opponent, turns around in the ring and sees Rocky signaling that he is okay. Apollo can’t believe his opponent is still standing. He realizes at that moment that his opponent is a survivor. Rocky will never give up. Warriors fight until the final bell rings.

The fighters go back to the middle of the ring and the round ends with Rocky delivering bone-crushing blows to Apollo’s ribs. The bell rings and the round comes to an end. The war is not over.

This is how I chose to live my life. Fuck you to those who don’t believe in me. Fuck you to that voice in my head that tells me I’m a quitter and damaged goods. Fuck you to my victim mentality. Fuck you to that monster who tried to steal my light. 

I’m going the fucking distance and I’m not going down. In the end, I will be standing with my head held high. My struggle is my strength! 

15th and Final Round Of Hope 

The round opens with both fighters slowly moving around the ring. The announcer chimes in…”They look like they’ve been in a war, these two.” 

Apollo lands a big first punch but it ignites Rocky who answers with a series of good punches. 

By the end of the round, the only thing holding Apollo up is the ropes as Rocky lands big punch after big punch. Apollo is done, but the final bell rings before Rocky can land a final knockout blow.  

Rocky has gone the distance. The familiar musical score plays as all the fight dignitaries rush into the ring to care for the two fighters. Apollo awaits the judges’ scorecard results to determine which fighter is victorious. 

Rocky is clearly uninterested in the scorers’ decision. He is only interested in reuniting with Adrian. The announcer is trying to interview Rocky but again he keeps calling out for Adrian. 

The decision is in. Apollo wins the fight in a split decision with two of the judges giving the fight to Apollo, and one scoring the fight for Rocky. Apollo celebrates his big win but Rocky doesn’t seem to care. He simply calls for his soulmate Adrian.

As Adrian makes her way into the ring she and Rocky exchange a big hug and embrace with the two of them proclaiming…I love you! They both knew he did what he came to do. He went the fucking distance with The Champ. 

Rocky won his battle with himself. It didn’t matter what the rest of the world thought about the fight. Rocky kept his promise. He’s not a bum from the neighborhood.

I get chills every time I watch the fifteenth round. I’ve learned so much from it. 

Lessons Learned

I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks. It matters what I think about my effort.

I’ve learned there’s me and a small group of people in my dome. They are my people. They matter. Everyone else is a roll player. And role players either support me by bringing value, joy and happiness to my life, or they are expendable.

I’ve learned that my life isn’t defined by winning and losing. My life is influenced by my fight and showing up every day. I’m going to win some and I’m going to lose others. But I’m always showing up ready to fight. I live for the daily grind. I’ve created disciplines and I fell in love with my healthy and productive routines. 

I’ve learned that quitting on myself is not an option. It’s off the menu because I say it is. The world gets my one hundred percent. The forty percent version of myself doesn’t live here anymore. He’s gone. Good riddance. 

You can find hope and inspiration in many stories. Sometimes you simply need to dissect and connect the dots. I seek hope and it always seems to find me. When I’m down on myself, it is always temporary anymore. I don’t stay in that place very long. 

There are all kinds of positive cues I have at my disposal. All I need to do is witness a sunrise or play Going The Distance or Gonna Fly Now on my phone. It’s like hitting a reset button on my warrior mindset. I’m never going back to a place of self-defeat. I’m too strong for that now. I’m all in and I’m going the distance.

You can too. Don’t ever give up hope!

***

Learn more about The Sunrise Warrior on his site. He’s one of the nicest guys you’ll ever talk with, and that’s a promise.

My seventh book, the third in the BROKEN series is now available for order  – ebook and print. My labor of love.I hope you’ll order and join my journey: https://geni.us/BrokenPeople

 

The post Going The Distance In Life. One Survivor’s Story Of Hope! by guest @1SunriseWarrior appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

Masculinity Isn’t Machismo: Why Macho Needs To Cry by Guest @JHermanKleiger, Ph.D.

Toxic Masculinity In Action

I loved my father. A World War II survivor of horrifying combat, my dad embodied all that was traditionally masculine in the 1960s. He was tough and strong. However, in looking back, it was his narcissism and toxic masculinity that dominated my earliest memories. A product of the times?  Perhaps. The scars of the war? Certainly. Identification with an abusive father? Sadly true.

But, regardless of the reasons, my father tried to teach me the zero-sum values of toxic masculinity: “Men are stronger and tougher; women are weak.” “Don’t be a pussy, never let them see you cry. Be a man!” 

At the age of 90, my father became a shadow of his former self. The sun had set on his testosterone-driven script.  What I witnessed instead was a softening and humanizing of the man I’d known for the last 60 years. We would enter grocery stores and he would crouch down with a look of joy and wonder whenever he saw a small child.

When Macho Cries

One day, my father, the hunter of my boyhood – disappointed that his son had preferred the warmth of the car to the chill of the duck blind – told me that he never wanted to kill anything again. This was not the father I remembered from my youth. What I saw instead was the donning of gentle sweetness and sharing of regrets in the final chapter of a long life. As I cared for him in the final months of his life, he shared his tears over the road he had taken.

The picture of waning masculinity and its toxic forms was a subtext of a recent movie called “Cry Macho” with the most macho of actors, Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry himself. Eastwood’s character, 90-year-old “Mike,” speaks to his 13-year-old sidekick, who is distilling a toxic brew of what it means to be a man.

“This macho thing is overrated,” says Mike. “You think you have all the answers, but then you get older and realize you don’t have any. By the time you figure it out, it’s too late.”

The Testosterone Connection

It made me think of my father. Like Mike, declining testosterone seemed to usher in a  surprising sweetness, a gentling of what had always been a steely machismo. How sad that, for some men, like my dad and the Mikes of the world (possibly Eastwood himself), a lower level of testosterone is what finally helps de-toxify masculinity. 

But we should not wait for biology to teach an old dog new tricks. Fathers should teach their sons and daughters, through their words and deeds, that masculinity is not machismo, that being a real man embodies strength and adaptive toughness that fosters perseverance and radiates compassion, kindness, commitment, honesty, and empathy.

What are your thoughts or experiences with toxic masculinity? Please share below.

***

My seventh book, the third in the BROKEN series is now available for order  – ebook and print. My labor of love.I hope you’ll order and join my journey: https://geni.us/BrokenPeople

Sign up for my newsletter – I never spam you.

Dr. Kleiger bio: After receiving his doctorate at the University of Denver, his path led to an internship at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, MD, followed by more than a decade of service as an officer in the Navy. Writing about people and their struggles has been an integral part of what he does.He has authored four professional books – Disordered Thinking and The Rorschach, 1999, followed by its cousins Assessing Psychosis, 2015 (coauthored with Ali Khadivi), Rorschach Assessment of Psychotic Phenomena, 2017, and Psychological Assessment of Disordered Thinking & Perception, In Press (co-edited with Irving Weiner).Unable to resist the play of imagination, he completed his debut novel, The 11th Inkblot, published in 2020.

 

The post Masculinity Isn’t Machismo: Why Macho Needs To Cry by Guest @JHermanKleiger, Ph.D. appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

5 Top Tips For Writing Memoir That Work For Any Writer

One of the biggest struggles writers face when they choose to write their stories, whether in memoir, short-form, or long-form, is where to start. And by where, I don’t mean geographically, though that can certainly be a consideration.

I mean, where and when. Okay, and how.

I dealt with this myself while contemplating writing my own stories of surviving childhood sexual abuse and how this affected me as a teen into an adult, and mother. What period of time will I cover? What period of my life is most pertinent to sharing? What details are important to leave in? Leave out?

To be honest, for many, many years, my journal entries about this entire topic didn’t go any further than that: journal entries. Moleskins filled with swirling thoughts peppered my anxious mind as to how to go about sharing my stories, along with normal imposter syndrome writer fears.

There were also the practical issues: where and how to start? I have a journalism degree and background with plenty of article writing and blogging experience. Book writing, memoir writing, is completely different. So I took more classes, read the usual writing books by Stephen King, Natalie Goldberg, Francine Prose, Julia Cameron (fantastic), et al.

It wasn’t until I dove in and played with various structural ‘rules’ that I found my own writing style. Writing rules are rules for good reason — writing is a craft, just like any other romantic art. I basically had to get over myself and dive in.

Here are the five rules I developed for my own style.

Creative Nonfiction

Nonfiction writing can still be creative writing. They don’t call it Creative Nonfiction for no reason. Understanding and learning about this term and process opened up my brain and helped me free flow into what has now become my own style of essays and poetry in memoir form (in my Broken series).

What does the term actually mean?

Creative Nonfiction defines the genre simply, succinctly, and accurately as “true stories, well told.”

In some ways, creative nonfiction is like jazz — it’s a rich mix of flavors, ideas, and techniques, some newly invented and others as old as writing itself. Creative nonfiction can be an essay, a journal article, a research paper, a memoir, a tweet; it can be personal or not, or it can be all of these. (Source: CreativeNonfiction.com)

I started working on my first memoir comprised of essays and poetry in 2011, publishing my first Broken book in 2012. The fact that I could even do that, create this type of memoir, filled me with glee, even though the subject matter wasn’t exactly dinner table conversation (thank goodness, more people talk about it now).

Creative example: the book title is Broken Pieces, where I do not present the Pieces in chronological order purposely, so as to give the reader the same sense of puzzlement I felt as a young girl and woman living with the after-effects of sexual abuse.

Creatively, this works because there’s a thematic structure and character arc.

Bottom line: don’t feel you must follow strict guidelines when writing your memoir. That said, memoir must be based on your real life. Do you have to make up scenes? Then it’s not memoir.

Creative Nonfiction does not mean you make it up as you go along. That would be fiction.

Memoir Is Not Autobiography

Why are you writing your memoir? What is the main goal(s) you want people to know or understand about you?

An autobiography covers your entire life, typically, from birth to wherever you are now in your life. That’s a lot to fit into one book. You want your memoir to have a specific focus or message, and make that clear upfront, so as to not lose the reader.

You also want to focus on a specific period of time that relates to that focus or message:

Did you have postpartum depression?Climb a mountain?Learn how to communicate with a gorilla?

Whatever it is, focus on that and what that means in your life.

In choosing that period of time or focus, think about what that character arc is for you. Where you started, what you learned, where you ended.

Use All Five Senses In Your Writing Memoir

Writing memoir isn’t all that different from fiction in this area. When describing a scene, we still want to know how you feel without you telling us how you feel, or if it’s obvious (“Approaching the haunted house, I felt scared.” Well, obviously.)

When I teach writing workshops and a writer has written, “I felt scared,” I ask the class to stop and close their eyes. Do the same with me now.

What does it feel like in your body to feel scared? Writers will answer their heart beats fast, their stomach drops, their hands are sweaty, sweat forms on their brow, hands clench, skin chills, etc.

That’s what needs to go into the writing! “Show, don’t tell,” is a rule for a reason, right?

That said, I find that in dialogue, it’s okay to express an emotion. “Are you okay?” she asked in a worried tone, belying her calm demeanor.

WIIFM = What’s In It For Me (The Reader)

Readers are motivated by personal interest. WIIFM = What’s in it for me? Why would any reader be interested in reading your book? What are you writing about that people can relate to? That’s unique and interesting? Who is your ideal reader?

I didn’t know. Most new writers probably have no idea. And that’s okay. When you’re first writing your story, you’re not writing for that unknown avatar. You’re writing for yourself. That shitty first draft needs to be word vomit. Get it all out. Figure out later the structure and audience. Hire a great editor.

This stumped me at first also, and in this last decade of working with writers and survivors of sexual abuse, many worry about who will read their stories and how they’ll be perceived.

What got me past this hump is giving myself permission to write like the adult I am, and understanding that the people we’re most worried about will rarely read our work anyway (especially family). Hard truth.

However, you do need to consider who your buying audience will be at some point if you are interested in selling books. If you’re not, and you’re writing simply to write, cool.

Most writers want to sell books. Not every reader is your ideal reader. Shocking concept, right? For ideas on building your author platform while you write, take a look at this article: How To Build Your Author Platform When You Have No Clue What That Means

Avoid Chronology in Memoir

Western readers are used to being force-fed chronology-type stories. We love a clear beginning, middle, and end. We love a hero’s journey. We’re so used to the three-act structure, we protest when it’s anything but.

I love anything but.

Always the rebel, my books don’t necessarily start with a specific period of time, because, as I mention earlier in the article, that’s not how I (or any trauma survivor) experiences triggers, PTSD, or healing. With a character arc and thematic structure, this works. It may not with your books.

From a marketing standpoint, you do want to draw the reader in quickly, especially with the ‘Look Inside’ feature on Amazon, so that’s definitely worth considering. One big mistake new memoir writers make is thinking they need to write a diary of cookie-cutter, day-by-day reporting, which can be frankly, boring.

Hollywood loves to start movies off with a BANG! You don’t have to do that, though having the good stuff at the beginning is a definite plus.

Final Thoughts

You become a writer by writing. It took me until my mid-40s to start my writing career (after almost 20+ in Big Pharma; recovered now, thanks). I now spend my days helping other authors learn how to market their own books, strategize their marketing, promotion, and branding, and learn how to build relationships on social media.

And, of course, writing. I’m working on books eight and nine right now.

I read a lot of memoirs. I suggest you do the same. What style do you find most enjoyable? Try writing that way simply as an exercise. Try it on like a pair of pants. It might not fit, but then you’ll know.

“Good writers borrow; great writers steal.” ~ T. S. Eliot

Don’t take that literally! I do have some memoir writing exercises to try, though, so let’s talk about that next.

There are a lot of writing rules. For writing memoir specifically. Learn them. And then adapt them for what works for you, or break them completely! Writing is an art form. That’s what makes it so great.

***

It’s live, y’all. My seventh book, the third in the BROKEN series is now available for preorder (ebook). Print also. My labor of love. I hope you’ll order and join my journey: https://geni.us/BrokenPeople

Read more about Rachel’s experiences in the award-winning book,  Broken Pieces. She goes into more detail about living with PTSD and realizing the effects of how being a survivor affected her life in Broken Places,  available in print everywhere!

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What Is Social Proof and Does It Matter, Really?

What is social proof? It’s a marketing concept that we are all inadvertently, unknowingly contributing to every time we click on, retweet, like, reply or comment, and share any kind of social media, article, or blog post on the net. Technically, social proof, as defined by Sprout Social is:

The concept that people will follow the actions of the masses. The idea is that since so many other people behave in a certain way, it must be the correct behavior.

Social Proof and Me

As an author, social media is a hugely important part of my author platform, as it is for any writer or blogger. This is how we connect with readers now, even before the pandemic. Virtual, online events are now the norm. Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube Live video discussions are the new book signings. Twitter chats are weekly on any number of topics; I have two of my own, in fact, #SexAbuseChat every Tuesday at 6 pm pst/9 pm est and #BookMarketingChat every Wednesday at 6 pm pst/9 pm est.

All important for visibility, branding, and most importantly, connection.

However…there’s a limit. I reached my limit over the course of this past year. It didn’t come all at once. It came, little by little, reaching a peak this past month or so.

Why? How? Me, the so-called social media expert?

Access. Like many people, I have issues with the incredible level of access Facebook gives people, once we friend them, without our consent. PMs (private messages) are automatic, now with the ability for people to call, voice, and video message us, with no option to shut these options to OFF unless we unfriend the person (we can, however, mute a specific conversation). Technically, we do give them consent in the legal mumbo jumbo we all agreed to when we joined back in the 2010s.

I am not okay with this. And Facebook doesn’t care. Nobody cares. You’re probably thinking, “Geez, Karen. Shut up, already. Stop your whining, white lady.” I get it. I do. First-world problems.

I counter with: I hear you. It’s also part of my business. A huge part. Here’s why:

As someone who manages over 70+ various social media accounts as part of my BadRedhead Media business, plus my own accounts as well, Facebook requires I have a personal account in order to manage all those other Pages. I do understand why, particularly with all the ridiculousness of the past four years with the abundance of fake accounts, fake news, and such.

As a survivor of sexual abuse and stalking, this is ultra-concerning to me. So, what happened this past month or so? Suffice it to say, one person repeatedly tried calling me. I never pick up Facebook calls, especially if I don’t know you. Another left me a few voice messages saying they were offended by something.

Yet another left me another message in ALL SHOUTY CAPS that she didn’t find what I posted inspirational enough and she expected better from someone who is “supposedly on the side of authors.”

Oh, and there is the one lady who started replying on ALL my posts to the kind people who did comment that she didn’t think I replied often enough or to her satisfaction.

Well. I’ve been criticized before. You should read some of my 1-star reviews. There’s plenty!

But, for whatever reason, this struck a chord. I got up in my feels. I cried. I talked with one of them and we worked it out because we like and respect each other’s work in the mental health space. The others I blocked. It’s darn frustrating to donate hours of my time each week to helping writers solely because I want to, only to be told it’s not enough. Like, seriously? Fuck off.

My blood raged. My heart sank. Understandable, right?

But what really made me angry is that I put myself in that position by being available. I accepted that ‘it is what it is.’ This is what the social media platforms have given us, so that’s what I have to work within.

I’m too available. It’s too easy to leave me shitty messages. This is why people hire people like me – to handle this crap for them! So they don’t have to read these ridiculous criticisms from judgy people who apparently have nothing better to do or are having a bad day.

And I get bad days. It’s a damn pandemic. We’re all struggling. Where’s the damn compassion for one another?

I have a dislike/hate relationship with Facebook anyway, since about ten or so years ago when I discovered that a past love had died by suicide by going to his personal profile and seeing, “RIP dude,” messages there. We had spoken early that day. It still haunts me.

So…what to do? I’m claiming my time. I’m not posting to my personal Facebook profile right now. I’m ignoring it. I am checking my Pages and of course, my client Pages. When I feel like I can face it again, I will cull my ‘friends’ down from *checks real quick* 4385 people to maybe, I don’t know, the few hundred in my groups, many of whom I do know and treasure.

Social Proof and You

If you’re a writer, social proof matters. This is the world we live in. Publishing is not only writing.

You need to be ‘findable,’ not only on Google, but also on each individual social platform, so your readers can learn more about you and hopefully, buy your books. If you go the traditional route, publishers and agents want to know how many followers you have (easily upped by buying fake followers or likes from Fiverr or wherever). I suggest not doing that, because:

1) fake followers don’t buy books 

2) it’s usually pretty obvious when you have fake followers because they’re all foreign names, have questionable bios, and no tweets

3) do you really want to start your publishing career with a lie? 

They also want to know what you post, how often, and what your branding is. If you’re an indie author, honestly, the same applies. Social proof is about connection, building relationships, and authenticity. I’ve believed that since I started my business and writing career way back in 2011, and I stand by it now. Start slow, grow slow. It’s not a race.

I’m the furthest thing you’ll even find from a conspiracy theorist – I don’t believe in chemtrails, pizza parlor cabals, or that the earth is flat. However, I am a realist. Watch The Social Dilemma sometime. These huge tech companies share our data without our knowledge or consent (Cambridge Analytics, anyone?). Younger generations are so used to this, they don’t really care – ask them.

(My kids think having a chip implanted in their hands with all their data is a fabulous idea. “So much easier than having to talk and repeat everything over and over. Just scan me and be done with it,” says my daughter Anya (21). “Agree,” grunts my son, Lukas (15). Buy stuff, go to the doctor, whatever. Scan and go. Talk with any GenZ kid, you’ll likely get a similar answer. They’ve been tracked since birth everywhere. They don’t know life without a computer, tablet, or phone in their hands.)

Know that whatever we do, it’s all part of each platforms’ AI, and they share data, which is why that darling pair of shoes you just saw on Amazon is now showing up on Google, Facebook, Twitter, and every website you visit going forward. It’s all about the money, and they all get a piece of that affiliate link.

Every bit of every click is recorded, even when you’re watching videos on YouTube, or a subscription service like Netflix, or perusing goods on Amazon. It’s all connected. I’m not shocked or surprised by any of this, are you?

It’s Not Personal

What people say to us and about us is ultimately incredibly revealing about them. We know this, at an intellectual, psychological, and emotional level. Still, when people say mean things, it hurts. We’re human.

Does it matter in the overall scope of our lives? Who can say. It matters at that moment. It can matter when it comes to overall visibility when you’re marketing your book(s) or trying to get that book contract or interview. Only you can say if it matters to you.

Already a longtime fan of THE FOUR AGREEMENTS by Don Miguel Ruiz, I took a moment to reorient myself with this one agreement: Don’t take anything personally. I also stumbled across an excellent short and entertaining TEDTalk by Frederick Imbo. His main message to stop taking things personally is two-fold;

It’s not about me. Look at the other person’s intention andIt IS about me. Give yourself some empathy. Speak up. Ask questions. Pay attention to how you feel and be vulnerable with your needs.

I’m glad I was able to, inadvertently, employ point #2 and work out some issues with one of the people by telling him what he said made me cry. He apologized. I apologized. We talked it through and we’re still friends.

Ultimately, social media is what we contribute to it. What we make it. How much we allow of it into our lives. Social proof is going along with the tide. I’ve been in this space since 2008. Being connected to others is a big part of the work I do to help and support not only other writers, but also other childhood sexual abuse survivors. However, I’ve reached that point. I knew it was coming.

I’m not shutting my doors. I’m just adding a screen. With a strong lock.

***

Read more about Rachel’s experiences in the award-winning book,  Broken Pieces. She goes into more detail about living with PTSD and realizing the effects of how being a survivor affected her life in Broken Places,  available in print everywhere!

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This Is The Reason Being Specific Encourages Emotion with guest @christinastriga

Translating Emotion to Writing

When someone asks me about writing, I tend to shy away. I don’t know what the truth is. I don’t know when a lie becomes a fact. I merely write.

I write my stories from a place inside me that aches to open up. It feels as if there is a storm, and a multitude of clouds with diverse characters whispering secrets and emotion I must spill on their behalf.

These characters are in my mind, in my body, in my psyche; from the Greek, “soul.”

Being Greek has taught me how to think a certain way. Being a Greek-Canadian has made my path slightly easier, but being from Montreal, has been a constant battle with languages and culture. This has been a part of my writing. It is inside me.

My mind is too quick for me. The words are too flowing. I don’t know what having writer’s block even means. All I need, as Hemingway says, is a typewriter and I can bleed. Oh, can I bleed. I become the characters, I become the words. We melt like wax paintings.

We become one. My ego takes over. I can do no wrong. Then reality hits me when I start to edit, and I delete, rewrite, change the dialogue, rewrite the descriptions, add gestures, emotions, and so on and so forth to make my paintings come alive.

In effect, my words are a landscape. I don’t want you to stand in front of my paintings confused. I don’t want you to stare at them and say, “I don’t understand what she is trying to do in this scene.” I want you to jump into my works, “cross your legs”, as one of my publishers said, “and light a bonfire.”

Poetry vs. Books

When someone asks me about my poetry, I feel shy. I feel embarrassed. If they have actually read my work, and compliment me, I say to myself, phew I don’t have to be awkward now. I don’t have to explain my writing.

The honest truth is I am more of a deconstructionist. Hence my quote that many writers can relate to, “Understand the poem, not the poet.” I don’t want people to ask me, did that really happen to you? What do you mean by that poem? Where did you go to school? Did you live in Paris when you wrote that piece? And on and on.

No, cut the poet out of the picture. Cut me out of the picture. I don’t owe you an explanation.

Take the poem and read it as it relates to your life, not theirs, or mine. What emotion do you feel? My experience is mine. I can write a poem and retell it, fantasize it, recreate it, embellish it, add dialogue to it. I can make it so far from the truth, you, the reader, would not know what really happened.

In the end, you relate to my poem, according to your own emotion and life experience, and if my memory becomes a part of your life, then that is something rare that I have done. If you want to know if I actually lived in Corfu when I wrote my story, then how will the truth affect the story?

Living in my own head, yes, my character is living in Corfu, whether I, the author, never even visited Corfu, is not at all important. I am making you feel Greece on your fingertips, and reality is not important in this context. I write fiction, I write some facts.

I blur lines.

When someone asks me if I prefer writing novels to poems I don’t hesitate.

Poems.

It’s as if my heart is aching when I start writing a poem, exploding with emotion while I am writing, and taking a final gasp at the final word.

When I once tweeted, “If writing hurts, you’re doing it right.” I did not expect so many people to understand. It seriously hurts. I can cry during, and after writing. Writing dark poetry is my therapy.

I feel my insides pulling me apart when the poem erupts.

I feel my fingers have no control or my thoughts, it’s as if someone else has entered my body and setting my mind on fire.

My mind is a forest fire.

It’s true.

It’s uncontrollable. One word, creates another, and then another and suddenly the sentences become line breaks, poems after poems of raw emotion and streams of consciousness of events that I don’t even know if they took place or not, but on the page, they are real.

So real, it scares me.

It makes me feel vulnerable.

This is the best way I know how to write.

I feel strong in my vulnerability. It makes me feel as if I am a better writer for it.

It may take me a couple of minutes to write a poem.

It may take me days to edit it.

It may take me years to write a novel.

It may take me years to edit.

I like the quick fix of a poem. I’m a word addict. From my first journals at fourteen years old to the one I started yesterday, writing is my one and only true love. The love affair I can never give up.

Emotion Reveals Me and The Reader As Well

When someone asks me, what am I working on now, and I reply, a novel, two poetry books, and a collaborative poetry book, they look at me as if I am crazy.

I feel sometimes as if I very well may be with all these Word documents, but that is how my mind thrives and my emotion and creativity blends together.

I wrote my first novel at thirty-nine. I am fifty-two. I have written five novels, three poetry books, and one self-help book, based on my tweets.

I know that writing has healed me in ways only a writer can understand.

There is never an off switch. The good news is I fall asleep the minute my head hits my pillow.

The good news is I keep learning and evolving as a poet and an author every day.

***

Christina Strigas, raised by Greek immigrants, born in Montreal, Canada, has been featured by CBC Books in “Your ultimate Canadian poetry list: 68 poetry collections recommended by you.” Her latest poetry book is LOVE & METAXA , to be published on March 23, 2021, with another book coming in Fall, 2021.Christina Strigas is an author of five novels, three poetry books, and one self-help/poetry book based on her popular quotes that went viral on Twitter. She writes romantic love poetry in a stream of consciousness narrative prose. Her influences are Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Mary Oliver, the Romantics, and Pablo Neruda.Christina Strigas holds a BA in English Literature from Concordia University and a Teaching Certificate from Universite de Montreal. She teaches English and French in an elementary school, and at McGill University. She created the popular @ArielPoets along with Alexandra Meehan, where they inspire writers and poets to believe in the power of poetry.You can find her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Website, Wattpad

Excerpt from Love & Metaxa

CORINTH 

Is it okay to be
rude for no reason?
The reason I love you is
not the right one

that comes to mind. I spread love of words
dressed in imaginary
half-ass wings, on a little Greek girl fragile,
watch me breathe in and out Greek—
Crying in ancient Corinth

where centuries pass without trace
where my parents were born
in a small Greek village in the mountains
named: Stimaga—
where my roots are.

A city
of survival or travel,
Jason settled there with Medea,
where Pegasus became a symbol,
the myth of Arion,
how love of monuments’ more graceful
than building walls of torment—
While awake—while asleep,
I am perfectly free of evilness,

the restless dream of sleep paralysis,
falling wings deglorifying,
the past is buried now
where my father finished high school
where my mother finished elementary

but even reason
has a way of changing,
turning to outright wild lies;
this is where you were rude to me
laughed at my homemade history lessons

Go down to the village, wake up the family
or sleep in,
and shout out
the morning for coffee—I can’t hear you now.

I’m on the tip of the village
where I first met my grandmother Yiayia Xristina.

These walls await a new language you can never learn.

~ First published in Thimble Lit Magazine

 ****

Read more about Rachel’s experiences in the award-winning book,  Broken Pieces. She goes into more detail about living with PTSD and realizing the effects of how being a survivor affected her life in Broken Places,  available in print everywhere!

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