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5 Things to Know Before Connecting with a Child Abuse Survivor by guest @VennieKocsis

Honored to have my friend, fellow author, and child abuse survivor Vennie Kocsis with me here today. Vennie is wise beyond her years and one of the most compassionate people I’ve ever met. Please read her wise words and comment below. 

What are the five things to know before connecting with a child abuse survivor? Let me break it down for you:

1. We want you in our life.

Trauma survivors want friends, loved ones, and partners. We want a social life which fits into our own comfort zone. We may not be able to adapt to your social preferences in the same way you are able to adapt to ours. This can be for many reasons. For instance, something you enjoy may cause us anxiety. This is where you will need to be willing to accompany us while at the same time accepting we cannot always accompany you.

We want the same things in our lives that most people do: happiness, peace, and security. We just sometimes require them under different circumstances, and we need you to both understand and accept this.

As a trauma survivor heals, we also gain a maturity and an understanding that not everyone is equipped to be in our lives. We respect you when you are honest about this. If you don’t feel a trauma survivor is the right fit to be in your life, that is okay. You do us a favor when you do not enter our lives if you are not invested emotionally.

If you do decide that you want to enter our life, be willing to take things very slow. We need your patience. The more we heal, the more we grow, release triggers and can bloom. Connecting with a healing trauma survivor can be a rewarding and celebratory experience. We really do appreciate when someone cares about us with the intent of supporting our way forward.

2. We need to know we can trust you.

Survivors of child abuse are conditioned from very young ages that we cannot trust people who claim to love us. This is because the people we were supposed to be able to trust were the same people who hurt us. Sometimes a child abuse survivor is still learning to define what the meaning of love is.  Many of us who have suffered sexual abuse were groomed lovingly into being coercively raped. This can cause confusion when an abuser is also loving toward a child, resulting in confusion when we reach adulthood.

It will take more time and open communication to gain our trust.

For trauma survivors, things can sometimes be very black and white. When trust is broken with us, it can either take us a long time to regain it, or we do not ever regain it with you again. I am one of those types of people. If someone shows me their true colors are rooted in manipulation, ill intent or disloyalty, I will most likely never interact with that individual again.

You may find that many of us have a deep need for loyalty and strong ethics in the people we relate to. When we are in a trusting space with someone, we feel safe. Because we rarely felt safe as children, feeling safe as adults can be a major factor in the balance of our mental health. Be trustworthy and loyal. It can be an honor to be in our lives since many of us rarely allow others in deeply.

3. Know our trauma.

Get to know what happened to your friend or significant other. Be genuinely interested. You may not understand our childhood experiences. It may feel horrible to you. It is natural to feel disgust at hearing about abuses happening to children. This makes you human. It means you care. We appreciate you for feeling WITH us. When we are healed, many of us survivors do not live a daily private life of continually speaking of our trauma. However, understanding the depth of what has happened to us and how it has affected us will help you understand who we are.

Some of the things you might hear may be difficult to wrap your head around. Imagine having experienced it. We survivors often feel the same way about our own experiences.

Be willing to listen with acceptance. Remember that you do not need to have the same experiences as someone else to understand and accept their experiences.

If we write about our trauma, be willing to read it. Once, I dated a man who asked me about my childhood. I suggested that he read my book, Cult Child, which would let him know everything that happened in my childhood. I spent seven years writing my biography. While I can give a summary of my experiences, if someone is going to be in my life on a romantic level, they should be willing to know the details of what I endured. His retort was that he shouldn’t have to read a “manifesto” of my life. He didn’t get any more of my time. Do not speak to us this way. It’s an honor to read our journals and experiences since it is not easy for us to write about it.

Healed trauma survivors can be very strong together as friends, business partners and in romantic relationships. Because both have experienced traumas, they will most likely have a higher level of mindfulness and understanding with one another. This can be a strong dynamic. If you are healing, strive to connect with other healing survivors. Healed survivors most often inspire one another.

4. Educate yourself about our impairments. 

Many child abuse survivors carry impairments such as Complex PTSD, Anxiety, Agoraphobia, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Hypersensitivity, Startle Response, OCD, Depression or other bi-products of what mentally ill people did to us. Because an abuse survivor’s scars are not visible, many people forget their friend or significant other carries such impairments. This can be difficult for us. We want and need you to remember that we have impairments.

For example, I am deaf in my right ear. Because of this, I can have higher vocal volumes, especially in loud spaces, or I need others to speak up, so I can hear.  Once, when I was watching a movie with a friend, she remembered my hearing impairment and put on subtitles, without me even asking. It warmed my heart. These small moments of mindfulness mean the world to me.

If you are interested in personally connecting with a child abuse survivor, educate yourself on what our impairments are about.  Read credible information. Learn what the signals are for triggers and how you can be a support person if a trigger happens. The brain is an amazing organ. Learning how trauma affects the brain of a developing child is astronomic in understanding why child abuse survivors operate the way we do.

When you can speak our language, it is easier for us to communicate with you. This creates an ease for us. We do not have to struggle in communicating what we may be going through, because we are aware that you get it. For example, a couple signs of a trigger could be the pupils of the eyes becoming larger and a frozen body stance. Knowing these symptoms can help you recognize them if they arise. Sometimes a trauma survivor feels shame and stays quiet about what is happening in our head. When you recognize the signs of our triggers, and softly rein us in, it creates an open channel for us to move through it.

As we heal, you will notice that changes occur. Things which once triggered us may not trigger us anymore.  We may have highs and lows of anxiety or depressive periods depending on what happens in our lives. We don’t deal with situations or see the world the same way as non-trauma adults do. Knowing how our impairments work can give you the tools to support us through this journey.  Plus, nerding out on the way the human brain functions can be super fun.

5. Don’t take our abuse personally or try and fix it.

You may want to fix everything. You may become frustrated that you cannot fix some things.  You will meet child abuse victims who are still in their abuse base. You get to choose what your own comfort level is. Don’t make a victim your pet project. Victims must choose their healing as they learn the tools to do so. You will find yourself exhausted if you fall into the belief that you can fix a person who has not chosen to heal themselves. It is okay to softly move on before you become vested. It is better for all parties involved when you decide responsibly to do so.

It can be difficult to watch someone you love have days of crying or silence; a state of being that you may not understand, or even think might be your fault. Remember that not everything is about you. Sometimes we just need to be heard or hugged. Sometimes we need to cry. Let us. This is where holding space is a necessity. A healing survivor will possibly ask for your input for self-care.  We may be more open with what we are feeling and dealing with in our head when you hold space for us.

There is a saying; Let the past go. I disagree. If trauma survivors could wave a wand and make the past go away, oh, how we would. No. The past holds onto us, and we spend our lives prying its fingers away.

As we heal and face our trauma, we learn the art of taking dominion over our memories. We learn that we do not have to relive the flashbacks when they arrive. It takes time to accomplish this state of being.

Connecting with a trauma survivor requires a great amount of empathy and patience. If you don’t understand us, study and read up on what we live with each day. I personally respect when someone is honest with me about whether they are or are not a good fit in my life.

Be kind. Be gentle. Most of all, be real.

 

Vennie Kocsis is the best-selling author of Cult Child and other publications. She is also a poet and advocate of healing through creativity. Vennie is also the hostess of Survivor Voices, a podcast featuring stories from child abuse survivors.

The post 5 Things to Know Before Connecting with a Child Abuse Survivor by guest @VennieKocsis appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

Could You Be Clinically Depressed And Not Know? I Was

For a good nine years, I worked a sales job I hated. Every day, I’d wake up and spend hours getting ready, applying meticulous makeup, choosing just the right outfit, making sure my notes and records and routes were in order.

And then, I’d go back to bed.

I’d lay there, fighting with myself. ‘Get up, you lazy bitch! What’s wrong with you?’ berating myself for every slight imaginable. It was a well-paying job, one people yearn for, build up to after years of crap sales jobs, one that required not only a college degree but also a minimum of five to seven years successful sales experience.

And here I not only had the supposed golden job, I excelled at it, won awards for ‘The Best’ this and ‘The Top’ that, where the European and New York heads chose me to work with when they visited my state. And of course, I charmed them. My bosses were thrilled. I’d even managed a few sweet Ritz-Carlton dinners out of those visits.

Eventually, I roused myself out of my safe, cozy nest of blankets and sheets, wiped away the tears and black streaks down my face (pro tip: use waterproof mascara), fixed my bedhead hair and walked out the door.

Depression Sneaks Up On You

I called on physicians and one bright, sunny day I dragged my dark gloomy shell in to see one of them,

a compassionate family practitioner who told me I didn’t seem myself. Most of these doctors enjoy seeing sales reps as much as they enjoy dealing with insurance companies, but once in a while, you meet a jewel.

She took me into a patient room and asked me what was up. I don’t know if the fact that she treated me like a human and not ‘another rep,’ did me in, or that I was simply just tired of the effort of the wearing the sale rep mask, but I became a sobbing mess (typical of many untreated depressives, by the way).

“Girl, you are depressed. I treat working moms every day. I’m not going to treat you because I’m not your doc and it wouldn’t be ethical, but you need to get your ass into your own primary care for meds if needed (it’s needed) and start therapy ASAP.”

“As a society, our focus is so much on the physical ailments people live with daily that even when someone is diagnosed with a mental disorder, we still look for physical manifestations.”

— Rachel Thompson

The realization hit me. I’m depressed. DUH. Though my college degree was a BA in Communication Studies and my minor in Journalism Studies, I somehow ended up in Big Pharma (sales fit in there, I guess). There was a lot of biology, pharmacology, and the like to learn, and though my company sold SSRIs, I personally did not sell them (though all reps did learn about them in case a physician asked).

How could I not have seen it? The symptoms I experienced were classic:

Not wanting to be around other people
Neglecting everyday tasks or struggling to do them
Loss of interest in activities I once enjoyed or struggling to do them
Intense sadness/crying that just won’t fade
Unresolved anger










Still, I Kept Going As If Nothing Were Wrong…Until It Was SO Wrong

I spoke with my husband (at the time) who owned his own business, discussing different job options for me – I wanted to do something different where I could spend more time with our small daughter, utilize my writing and marketing skills (which I loved), and still bring in money.

His response: well, you’ll have to just suck it up. You’re the one with the time in and regular benefits. You have the security. You may hate it but, oh well.

He’s no longer my husband.

After a time, where I spent more days in bed than working, even he couldn’t deny I needed help and despite his reservations (he believed SSRIs would make me a zombie), encouraged me to go to a shrink. Thankfully, I ended up with a good one, who immediately started me on a regimen of therapy and meds.

The gray lifted within a week and continued to lift as the weeks went on. Therapy helped immensely as well (more on that below).

I still hated my job – I clearly was a creative square in a round corporate hole – but I could at least get out of bed, go to work, and joke around with my doctors. Maybe it wasn’t so important to be the best all the time. I didn’t cry constantly and operate in a constant state of anxiety at the thought of being away from my daughter, though I still didn’t enjoy it (who does?).

I began to make an exit strategy.

When You’re Depressed, You Feel Stuck. It’s An Illusion
Dr. G (my shrink) asked me some basic questions and I answered honestly.

This wasn’t the time to cover anything up. One of the most glaring examples for me: when we took my daughter to Disneyland (we lived twenty minutes away and had season passes), I would shrink from the noise and end up crying on a bench while she and my husband laughed and enjoyed themselves.

Why was I crying at the Happiest Place on Earth? Who does that?

Eventually, I spilled my entire story: that the next-door neighbor dad had sexually abused me at age eleven; that I’d testified in two trials (civil and military) against him; that while he’d spent less than two years in jail (yea, only two years), I’d had to grow up still living next door to him and his family when he returned for another eight years.

To him, the diagnosis was obvious: I lived with anxiety, depression, and PTSD until my mid-thirties with all of these mental disorders until it came crashing down. I didn’t know. I had no idea. Nobody around me knew, either.

It’s kind of astounding that I worked in the healthcare industry and had no knowledge what I experienced as a child could affect me. As a society, our focus is so much on the physical ailments people live with daily that even when someone is diagnosed with a mental disorder, we still look for physical manifestations.

That was even true in my case: it wasn’t until I couldn’t physically get out of bed that I noticed something was wrong. Also, why did I hate this job so much? It was a good job, with great benefits. Why was I so angry about it?

Misplaced anger. There were problems in the marriage – I felt stuck, and my partner was clearly unsupportive to my needs. To be fair, he hadn’t disclosed to me that his business was failing and would soon crumble completely, leaving us in financial ruin.

Eventually, I quit that job and never looked back. I had another child, moved away, started my writing career (six books out now — three award-winning!), founded BadRedhead Media, my social media/marketing business, and divorced the husband.

I also learned that large crowds and unsupportive partners are not good for my mental health, so I avoid both.

Lessons Learned

The combination of the right medicines and talk therapy helped me immensely, and it’s still something I actively utilize today. Journaling has also been incredibly helpful to me, both personally and therapeutically. (You know, writers write.) My daughter will be nineteen in July.

There’s absolutely no shame in asking for help, realizing you need it, and most importantly, if the people around you don’t support your mental health, make those hard decisions whether to keep them in your life.

Only you can decide what’s best for your mental health, but that’s the key right there: pay attention and decide because you are worth it. 

**This article first appeared on Daniel Maurer’s Transformation Is Real site and is reprinted here with permission and attribution.

For Rachel’s poetry and memoirs, go to Amazon.

The post Could You Be Clinically Depressed And Not Know? I Was appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

Top 4 Tips to Improve Focus in This Chaotic Climate

It’s been a tough year-ish, hasn’t it? Slightly distracting? Just a wee bit, yea?

My personal watchword for 2017 was FOCUS. (This year, for 2018, it’s compassion, but more on that later.) I’ve made an effort each year, for the last few years, to have a guiding word: courage, passion, etc. Why?

When life gets hectic, this one word ‘mantra,’ if you will, is a quick way to reel us back in – a conscious meditation. Listen, I’m probably one of the least new-agey people you will meet, but I am a true believer in getting shit done. As a single mom, full-time author and full-time business owner, I don’t have time to waste on distractions.

I find watchwords usually find us, and this has never been truer this year for me (and for many others as well). Focus is critical.

Unless you’ve been in a cave somewhere, the U.S. is in chaos – heck, the world. With a reality TV star playing at being president, the news is unending, rarely good, and changing every thirty seconds. As survivors, many of his actions and executive orders affect us in one way or another – or affect those closest to us. Triggers abound.

Kelly wrote a wonderful article for me on staying strong and sane with all this noise, one I encourage you to read right now. How am I handling staying focused right now? It’s been difficult, as I’ve never been busier work-wise or writing-wise. Here are my top four tips:

Put Social Media on Pause

When I’m working on client accounts or writing, social media is a huge distraction. It’s impossible to keep track of the latest news and stay task focused, so I don’t even try. I made an extra effort this past week to not only avoid social media but to also avoid constant discussions about politics in real life.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, many people contact me privately, asking me to share an article, read an update, make a statement, or help them deal with something that’s triggered them. I’m humbled by their trust and faith in me, truly.

But, I also have to set boundaries. I cannot be available 24/7 to everyone, and I have to keep in mind that I have lines I won’t cross. I’m in thriver mode, but that doesn’t mean I’m no longer triggered myself.

NO is a complete sentence, and if people become upset at my lack of availability to them on their schedule, that’s their issue, not mine.

Example: A fellow recently asked me on Twitter to weigh in on an issue regarding one of Trump’s executive orders, and because I was unavailable at the time, I didn’t see his request until a few hours later (I was working and then took my daughter to the eye doctor). I focused completely on my work, and on my daughter.

He was furious I didn’t respond right away, proceeding to troll me for a few hours. Of course, I didn’t respond (which leads me to my next point) and then blocked him.

Respect Your Time and Focus

Do not feel obligated to engage with anyone, ever.

Honestly, it was none of anyone’s business what I was doing (I could have been eating bonbons if I wasn’t lactose intolerant), but here’s the truth: out of respect for my time, I didn’t feel the need to explain to him why I didn’t respond. I am not his employee, therefore, I do not owe him my time.

Do not feel obligated to engage with anyone, ever. Guard your time, whether it’s with family, writing, work, exercise, sleeping, doodling, whatever it is that you do to be the person you are. You’re an adult, so make the decisions you need to be the whole person you need to be without anyone’s permission but your own.

 

Trolls especially do not deserve our time. I’ve fallen into those ridiculous arguments and have always regretted that time, effort, and emotion wasted. I now ask myself these questions:

     What will I gain by responding to a troll ? (Um, nothing.)
     What do any of us gain by interacting with negative, toxic people, whether in real life or online? Remember, I’m not the only who sees my responses online. (Every tweet is indexed by The Library of Congress. What is your digital footprint?) 
     How does this benefit my mental health? (It doesn’t, which brings me to my next point.)

This is a question I ask myself before I hit reply. If there’s no positive benefit, I move on.

Respect Your Mental Health

Focusing on my own work, writing, and family this week, I reflected on the benefits: I got so much more work and writing done, achieved a few personal goals I hadn’t expected, and fit in additional appointments for my kids.

From a mental health perspective, here’s a truth bomb: I experienced less anxiety. One of the leftovers of being a survivor is dealing with anxiety, depression, and hyper-vigilance. The constant barrage of news is difficult for me – I’m good with occasional check-ins; yet being on social media, updates are unavoidable.

I also don’t want to be blind to it. There’s so much going on with regard to survivors, survivor legislation, and it’s our time. We’ve lived with this dark shame for decades (though, as I write in Broken Places, I made friends with Shame. She’s been with me for a long time and has a lot to say). I’m happy to see so many people own their voices.

Owning our stories is empowering; be part of the wave – if and when you’re ready.

Think Twice About Sharing Political Views

Sides to a coin. I completely understand the angst and passion on this topic. How can we be alive right now and not comprehend it all?

Don’t get me wrong; I love social media. It’s been a wonderful addition to my personal, author, and work life. I always say social media is what you make it – you get what you give. If you give love, you get love. If you give troll, you get troll. You get the idea.

As a social media strategist (one of my hats at BadRedhead Media), I advise author clients to avoid discussing politics for this main reason: unless your book is about politics, you risk alienating potential readers by sharing a polarizing view.

How is this possible in our current climate, though? Believe me, I get it. I’ve stated my opposition here in this article to our current Keystone Cops administration. I’m braced for the haters, and I accept that. I realize that many haters and trolls have their own self-hatred issues, and I’m working hard on compassion this year — kindness goes a long way. I also realize when silence is the best answer.

Why bother? Because I feel there’s a responsibility as a survivor and advocate with a large platform to be vocal for other survivors, and when it comes to protecting our survivor rights, I believe my voice matters.

Focus on What Matters Most 

I may wear a coat of boundaries, lines, and self-care, which all huddle around me to keep me sane, but here’s the ultimate reality: I survived horrific crimes as a child, in college, and in later life (not shared yet, but writing about now in the upcoming Broken People). It’s truly up to me to decide how best to get through right here, right now.

Just as it’s up to you.

*This post originally appeared on WilsonWrites.com and is reprinted here with permission and attribution.

The post Top 4 Tips to Improve Focus in This Chaotic Climate appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

Top 3 Reasons Censoring Your Writing Is Holding You Back

There will be tough love today, and even a bit of cursing. If it’s too much for you, feel free to leave now.

Do you worry what others think about you? Do you sit at your computer screen, paralyzed to type what you desperately want to say for fear of what your mom, husband, brother, friend, or best friend from second grade might say? Truth is, most of our family and friends won’t read our books or give them much thought. We only THINK they will.

Stop censoring yourself!

Maybe you have shared your writing and been burned, relationships severed, friendships or family relationships strained or even ended. It’s terrifying, all those what if’s.

Others people’s problems are other people’s problems. Don’t take that shit personally. #WriteWhatScaresYou

Fuck that shit. As Cheryl Strayed says, you need to write like a motherfucker. What does she mean by that? Does she mean to write with papers everywhere, cartoon balls of trash flying across the room, keys tapping to the beat of Copacabana? (Let’s hope not. We’ll never get that song out of our heads.)

No. She means that you need to own it. Own your shit. Write your shit. Ignore the voices of others, get in your head, your heart, grab your soul and write the shit out of that shit. This resonates with me because that’s how I wrote Broken Places (my latest release) and Broken Pieces. Let’s deconstruct.

Censoring Your Writing 

Why are you censoring yourself? If I came up to you, stood over your shoulder, read your latest paragraph, and told you, “You can’t say that!” what would you say to me? Because if you said that to me, I’d tell you to go the hell. Not only because this is my book, but because who are you to tell me what to write? Isn’t this my book? My work? My story? My name?

This person telling you what to write — does their name go on that book cover? Are they the ones spending countless hours writing and rewriting the work? No. So, fuck em.

I get it, though. People attempt to tell us daily what we should or shouldn’t write about, right? It amazes me, to be honest, that others who don’t know our story, or who think they know our story intimately but can’t possibly because they don’t live in our heads and don’t feel our emotions or live our lives, want to censor us for what we may or may not say. What makes them so scared? That’s the real question, isn’t it?

Scenario #1:

I shared a Brené Brown quote the other day about having courage and vulnerability when sharing your story, and someone replied that when she’d done so, people had chastised her, she’d lost good friends (and even family members) because her truth upset them too much, so she’s done. She’s ‘taking a break from truth.’

This saddens me deeply. I’m not judging her — she’s had enough of that. What saddens me is she’s allowing others to make that decision for her, letting them dictate what is okay or not okay to share, because they are embarrassed she shared her abuse story; now others know and can’t deal, which is another form of censoring her and shaming her for something she didn’t do.

Censoring: The Loop of Shame

When someone abuses us, we often don’t tell because we are ashamed. When (or if) we do tell, we are shamed because it’s embarrassing and shameful to us — what child (in many of these cases, as was the case with me) wants to say that an adult used our body for physical pleasure? It’s sick and twisted, and yet here we are, alone, forced to wrap our young, innocent minds around these confusing acts, with nobody to talk to, nobody to help us understand that we did nothing wrong.

Fast forward to adulthood: we choose to write about it as a form of catharsis, healing, therapy, or simply sharing so others will know they are not alone, only to have our loved ones shame us for sharing, or further chastise us for going public in some way. Shaming a survivor is one of the most selfish acts there is.

We survived the abuse — dealing with your discomfort isn’t our issue. It’s yours. If you can’t get over yourself, oh well. Survivors don’t have to accept that. We have a basic human right to speech. We have a right to tell our story.

Scenario #2

One fellow, T, shared his story in a public Facebook post, and with his permission, I’m sharing his story here with you today. T’s sister immediately chimed in to scold him for ruining the family name, embarrassing her, accusing him of lying, of creating current drama when all that happened in the past, and on and on. I complimented T on his courage and she came after me, warning me to “keep my mouth shut, to stay out of their family business, etc.,” even though this was all on his public wall.

What I love about the survivor community is that we support each other, and we understand that many people don’t understand that we have a right to tell our stories. We don’t do it for pity or attention (more on that in a moment), but as a way to heal and bond with others who have also survived, and to help educate non-survivors what it means to live the lives we do, to deal with all this on the daily.

Real or Imagined Censorship and Risk 

Sure, there’s risk involved in opening up those dusty doors of honesty. I’m not immune to the coughs and sputters of family and friends, even strangers who may or may not judge me for my words, or who place blame on me for their behavior. I’ve been called a liar, an opportunist, one person even went so far as to accuse me of ‘prostituting myself for profit and attention,’ and I’m told often to just move on (as if I haven’t).

I find it interesting that people equate sharing my story with victimhood, or ‘being stuck in the past,’ when that’s not the case at all, yet they are determined to tell me that yes, that must be so. It’s sadly comical, the judgments people make about survivors.

Truth is, those are not my issues.

Scenario #3

I wrote a guest post recently as part of my Broken Places blog tour and the host shared it, as hosts kindly do. Someone on Twitter replied that basically I am ‘playing the victim’ by sharing my story, that I’m somehow magically compelling people to “feel sorry for me.” Fortunately, people supported me without me saying a word (I don’t respond to those types of comments). If you know me at all, you know that I am anything but a victim…yet, these comments aren’t uncommon for survivors.

I’m not offended. I’m not religious. If anything, I want to thank this person for reinforcing I’m on the right path to help remove the stigma of childhood sexual abuse (or any abuse survivors) have to face. This person is a light for me — further helping me realize I still have a lot of work to do. In a strange way, I find comfort knowing my advocacy work is not done, and I have many more people to reach with my story, giving voice to others’ stories, and sharing my platform so other survivors can share their stories.

Ignorance needs an audience so sexual abuse survivors have one, too.

 

For Rachel’s poetry and memoirs, go to Amazon.

For Rachel’s BadRedhead Media 30-Day Book Marketing Challenge, click here.

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The Powerful Truth: Why So Many Women Won’t Report Sexual Abuse by @GarryRodgers1

Please welcome my esteemed guest, retired Royal Canadian investigator and now author, Garry Rodgers. Garry investigated hundreds if not thousands of sexual crimes during his career. We’ve had an ongoing conversation for many years about sexual abuse, and most recently, about the horrible victim-blaming happening in response to the #MeToo movement against women who report.  

I urge you to read Garry’s insights and perspective. He speaks about women in this context because that’s his lived experience. Polite comments are welcome. *Trigger warning for sexual abuse discussion* 

Thank God it’s 2018. We’re gradually emerging from a dark, male-dictated cave onto a slowly-enlightening, open plain where long overdue movements like #MeToo and #AboutTime give women the confidence to report sexual abuse. Unified, these female survivors collectively develop the courage to face male offenders and expose these clubbing, hair-dragging low-lives. They’re taking them to task and holding them accountable. I say it’s #LongOverdue and I’m writing this to discuss why—#UpTillNow—so many women still won’t report sexual abuse.

I’m a sixty-plus-year-old white guy raised in archaic, self-entitled, privileged, male-dominated North American society. Forty years ago, I joined a prominent national police agency where female officers were only admitted into the boy’s club two years before. To say sexual disparity occurred in the force is an understatement. And to say women freely reported sexual harassment and abuse is preposterous. That went for all parts of society, not just the cops.

Back then, policing was a closed shop. What went on in the force, stayed in the force. But, it was no different from almost every other society segment when it came to tolerating, ignoring and hiding sexual harassment and abuse. Just look at how the military, political and entertainment worlds held their dirty secrets. That’s not to mention the big corporate, small business and government worker communities. Only now are women slowly disclosing—saying what happened to them as well as to others. However, many women still won’t report sexual abuse.

I speak about sexual abuse disclosures from professional and personal experience

I spent most of my lengthy police career investigating serious crimes-against-persons offenses. That included a wide range of child molestations, domestic sexual assaults, and stranger-to-stranger rapes. It included cases where women resorted to killing their partners after enduring years of sexual abuse they never reported. And my life experience includes incidents where my wife and daughter survived sexual assault and sexual harassment.

Statistically, Three-Quarters of Women Experience Sexual Abuse

Statistics indicate three-quarters of women experience some sort of sexual impropriety in their lives. I believe that’s true. Sexual abuse occurs in their home. Sexual assault occurs in their social life. And sexual harassment occurs in their workplace.

That’s not even taking in sexual discrimination abuse. No matter how sexually inappropriate incidents are classified, they’re all a form of sexual abuse. Statistics also indicate most of these women won’t report their sexual abuse. I believe that’s true, too. That’s a staggering amount of victimized women.

It leads to the question, “Why?” Not so much why does it happen? It happens because some men are aggressive, controlling, perverted deviates who offend because they’ve learned to get away with it. Rather, it’s why so many women won’t report sexual abuse. And it’s not just the famous names who women won’t report.

We’re all aware of tasteless improper behavior like Lauer on the news set, grossly inappropriate actions like Weinstein in the hotel room, and vicious criminal attacks like Cosby behind the locked bedroom door. These are high-profile people. It took courage for women to emerge and divulge what these assholes were pulling off.

It’s #AboutTime these big pricks went down in flames. Karma’s a bitch, as they say. But most women reading this piece haven’t experienced preeminent and powerful perpetrators. Most are survivors of subtle and systematic patterns of sexual abuse from lower profile offenders they so well know. And many haven’t reported what happened.

There’s no single answer for why so many women won’t report sexual abuse; it’s a combination of factors where collective societal pressures shaped these women’s lives. Looking back on my family experience, my police experience and reading current clinical reports, these are the main reasons I feel women are reluctant to come forward and say #MeToo.

Women are Ashamed to Report Sexual Abuse

Shame is the number one reason why women won’t report sexual abuse. Shame is a devastating and debilitating emotion. It walks hand-in-hand with guilt. And it’s so, so unnecessary for sexual abuse survivors to feel any shame or guilt about being innocently victimized by an aggressor.

There’s something twisted why a woman would feel ashamed of herself after experiencing any form of sexual impropriety. But, a vast number feel the crippling emotion of shame after experiencing any type of sexual abuse. That’s whether it’s an inappropriate one-time situation or a pattern of groomed and ritualistic degradation.

Some experts define shame as more than an emotional state. For some sexual abuse victims, shame is an intense psychological wounding. It’s a natural human reaction after being sexually violated. Psychology Ph.D. Gershan Kaufman is one of today’s leading experts on shame associated with abuse. In his book Shame: The Power of Caring, Kaufman writes, “Shame is a natural reaction to being violated or abused. In fact, abuse, by its very nature, is humiliating and dehumanizing… especially so when sexually violated… the victim feels defiled, invaded, simultaneously feeling an indignity of helplessness while at another’s mercy.”

Sexual abuse victims associate disclosure with shame. They see shame as an emotional experience to be avoided at all costs; regardless they’ve been violated against their will through absolutely no fault of their own. It’s a reversed situation where the victim subconsciously blames themselves for being in this situation.

This isn’t a rational or calculated natural response. It’s the power of cultural and societal structure where the underlying thought “good girls don’t get raped” is alive and thriving. Shame derives from mental conditioning that somehow the victim will be blamed no matter what the circumstances are. For many women, they see it better to turn an eye rather than having it poked out while enduring perceived public shame.

Shame is a feeling deep within every person—male and female. It’s a natural control to uphold certain norms expected of society. When a woman’s first reaction to sexual abuse is shame, they want to hide. They develop an unwarranted but unavoidable feeling of unworthiness, of embarrassment, of disgrace and of dishonor. These are symptomatic of guilt and compounds into a fear to disclose because the pain of disclosure appears greater than suffering further abuse. Bluntly, many women are shit-scared to report sexual abuse.

Women are Afraid to Report Sexual Abuse

 

Fear is equally powerful to shame. Shame links to fear and it’s a vicious circle leading to prevent women from disclosing their abuse and identifying their abuser. They fear the consequences of reporting more than the consequences of continuing abuse. For many women, fear leaves them feeling helpless.

Fear is a self-preservation and survival instinct. It’s not necessarily a learned behavior. Rather, fear is a natural reaction when facing the unknown. For victims who’ve never made a sexual abuse disclosure, their fear is real. Very real. It’s not imagined, and it’s not perceived.

Overcoming fear is an immense obstacle for women sexual assault victims. Primarily, it’s their fear of what will happen once they let the cat out of the disclosure bag. Repercussions seem inevitable, whether that’s workplace harassment where they may lose their job when they desperately need money. They may also need career advancement or positive future references, and the very abuser is the one in a position of power over their present and future.

Victims of domestic sexual abuse have even greater reason to fear disclosing. Almost always, the domestic abuser is tied to their necessities of life. Losing food, shelter and family unity are enormous prices to pay for reporting abusers. The fear of losing everything worth living for is too great to overcome. Survivors see it far safer to remain silent and suffer continuance.

Sexual abuse victims are also afraid of the system. Outside of fear of being blamed for causing abuse, many women have a deep-seated mistrust of the justice and social system. Many victims have good reason to. Their biggest fear with the system is that they won’t be believed.

Workers within the law enforcement, courts, and restorative systems can be terribly unprofessional, incompetent and downright nasty. Previous personal experience and watching what happened to others who reported sexual abuse may be sufficient evidence to avoid “the system.” This is despite how serious their abuse has become.

Fear of violent reprisal is another overwhelming reason for women not to report sexual abuse. It’s not necessarily fear for their own safety keeping them from seeking help through a legal or social support agency. Fear for other family members—children, parents, siblings and extended friends—is a powerful motivator to stay quiet.

Many abusers are masterful manipulators. Direct, overt or subtle threats often accommodate all forms of sexual abuse. Perception is reality for survivors. For some, it’s easier to deny their victimization is real than face conquering their fear.

Women are in Denial of Sexual Abuse

Direct denials or indirect minimizations are common reactions for sexual abuse victims. Some women have been so beaten up, mentally and physically, that they accept abuse as being normal in relationships. Downplaying and denying the level of abuse, or that fact it happened at all, is a survival mechanism for some.

To survive, some women convince themselves their abuse was insignificant. They minimize the incident(s) as being “no big deal”. They see other women as surviving far greater violence and degradation while still carrying on as if nothing happened.

Other women cope by making excuses for their abuser. Men being drunk or stoned—or even men being victims of abuse themselves—are reasons women offer why offending partners and associates show violent and degrading behavior. For some, it’s easier to excuse, forgive and deny than it is to overcome fear and shame.

Some sexual abuse victims convince themselves they’re the only one. They see themselves as in a unique position where they’re singled out for abuse while other women in the offender’s circle safely lead normal lives. This is very true of victims of high-profile serial abuser Alabama Judge Roy Moore’s case. It even applied to President Bill Clinton when he was at the height of shenanigans.

Unfortunately, women with a history of sexual abuse going back to childhood are far more likely to deny or minimize than adults suddenly violated without warning. Historical victims learned to wrongfully accept that sexual abuse is part of life. They even go as far as expecting abuse will happen at home, in the workplace, and in social settings. That belief leads to low self-esteem which is another reason why women won’t report sexual abuse.

Women Develop Low Self-Esteem from Being Sexually Abused

Repeated sexual abuse almost always leads to low self-esteem. Unworthiness is part of the shame/guilt emotional reaction. It inevitably causes victims to question their personal integrity and undervalue their dignity. That includes a lack of self-respect for their bodies.

This is a continual cause and effect pattern. Episode after episode, especially with multiple abusers, cuts a woman’s self-esteem bit-by-bit until there’s little left of that structure. Finally, it becomes a “What have I got to lose?” thought process for the survivor. They just play along and let it play out.

Far too often, this lack of self-esteem leads to other forms of self-destruction. Depression leads to harmful behavior like substance dependency and suicidal actions. Almost every sex trade worker reports a history of abuse resulting in their finding a place in one of the lowest self-esteem occupations known. It leads to a sense of things being hopeless and they, as a victim, feeling helpless. Not surprising, these women won’t report sexual abuse.

Women Feel Hopeless and Helpless from Being Sexually Abused

It’s human nature to feel hopeless and helpless in a situation they can’t see an escape from. They give up and let the circumstances dictate the outcome rather than stand up and take charge. Learned helplessness is usually reinforced by aggressive offender reassurance that nothing can be done to stop, alter or prevent abusive actions.

When women feel they have no control over their fate, it’s natural to roll over and play dead. They feel trapped. There’s nowhere to turn. Nowhere to hide. And no one there for support.

This may be far from the truth but, for women in abusive relationships, this is their perception of reality. For them, reporting sexual abuse is useless—especially when they have a lack of support. It doesn’t have to be.

Women Have a Lack of Support for Sexual Abuse

Support services available for sexual assault victims vary with regions as well as within the survivors’ social status. Many survivors also don’t have the information available to direct them to safety, support, and security to move forward in reporting what’s happened. That takes in understanding the process, knowing what corroborates or proves their complaint, and identifying the offender.

Aside from overwhelming shame, fear of not being believed and overcoming denial, many sexual assault victims don’t have the fortitude to report their abuse without strong support. That, alone, keeps them in a “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know” situation. For these women, it’s a monstrous step forward to make a report. They just can’t do it without outside reassurance and continual support.

Successfully supporting sexual assault victims takes a team approach. Pillars include legal support, medical support, financial support and emotional support. Often, local resources aren’t equipped to provide an equal balance and keep the reporting roof from crashing down.

Every sexual abuse survivor needs solid support if they’re going to decide to step forward and report their situation. Some women have the courage to do this publically and follow a lead from role models in entertainment and other visual positions. But most sexual abuse victims aren’t in the limelight. That’s the last thing they want.

Supporting Women to Report Sexual Abuse

The best support for encouraging victims to report sexual abuse comes from trained professionals at ground level. The first point of contact between an abuse victim and an authority figure is the initial sexual abuse report. It’s vital—absolutely critical—that the survivor is reassured she’s being taken seriously and will be helped. That starts with believing what she has to say.

Police officers, medical practitioners, and social service providers are much better trained and equipped today than 40 years ago when I began a career in investigating sexual abuse. Even sloth-like court systems have changed—for the better—how they hear evidence from sexual assault complainants. But… all authorities still have a long way to go before survivors automatically #TrustThem and women confidently report sexual abuse.

 

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-656-HOPE for the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

Join Garry, his wife, and daughter in actively supporting and volunteering for the Moose Hide Campaign, a grassroots movement of Indigenous and non-Indigenous men and boys who are standing up against violence towards women and children. 

Garry Rodgers, Author

Garry Rodgers is a retired Royal Canadian Mounted Police detective spending his 20-year law-enforcement career investigating serious criminal offenses like murder and all forms of sexual abuse. Garry’s second career was a forensic coroner specializing in sudden and unexplained death investigations. Now, he’s a professional writer (find Garry’s books here), bestselling author, and host of the popular blog at www.DyingWords.net.
Garry Rodgers lives on Vancouver Island in beautiful British Columbia, Canada. Connect with Gary on Twitter and Facebook.




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The post The Powerful Truth: Why So Many Women Won’t Report Sexual Abuse by @GarryRodgers1 appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

When Will People Stop Blaming Sexual Trauma Survivors For Surviving?

(This is a guest article I wrote for Daniel Maurer‘s amazing site, Transformation Is Real. I hope you’ll visit and peruse his many pearls of wisdom and books. I’ll be sharing a few article snippets I’ve written for Daniel. Some will be tough to read, some not as much. These are my stories told from my perspective. My truth. I hope they resonate with you.)

Why I’ll Never Stop Being Resilient And Fighting for Truth

** TRIGGER ALERT **

I’m sorry you have to read what’s next. It was hard to write and I hope you will stay with me for the rest.

Do you know what it’s like to be ordered to lick a man’s penis ‘like an ice cream cone’ when you’re eleven years old? I can’t imagine most of the population can comprehend that. 

I can.

Because a man forced me to. More than once.

When the police eventually questioned me, after more than a year of various forms of abuse, I didn’t tell. Terrified this giant of a man, an army sergeant with a gun who lived next door, would kill my baby sister, I kept quiet. But my eyes dripped tears of tales untold, an admission of guilt owned by the intentions of men.

Eventually, I did tell. Two trials (civil and military) — taunting, haunting, harrowing, narrowing my world between him and me once again. “How will I ever escape the confines of this man’s world?” I wanted to scream, in words I didn’t know how to utter as I testified twice before God and man and him, specifying in impolite, forensic detail the ways he abolished my soul.

Telling isn’t justice, and justice isn’t handed down when victim blaming is first on everyone’s mind. Why are survivors forced to own our abusers’ intentions? He got eighteen months, then moved back home — right next door and mere feet away from my window — for another eight years. Long, slow days full of his kids’ accusatory stares and his wife’s accusatory lips.

How will I ever escape the confines of this man’s world?

How Do Survivors Become Responsible For Crimes We Didn’t Commit? 

People tell survivors we are somehow complicit if we don’t tell. They tell us they will hurt someone else if we keep quiet and it’s somehow our fault they are criminals who will continue to commit crimes. We are to blame for the behavior of men. (In my case, and in many, many cases, the predators are men. I respect and acknowledge that not all men commit all sexual crimes. I am sharing my story and my truth here.)

It’s all very easy for non-survivors to make these statements. Do this, do that, and done. One, two, three. They cannot comprehend why we wouldn’t want to tell.

Um, have you been online lately? 

…

To read the rest of this article , please visit TransformationIsReal.com

For Rachel’s poetry and memoirs, go to Amazon.
For Rachel’s BadRedhead Media 30-Day Book Marketing Challenge, click here.

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What You Need To Know About Triggers for Sexual Abuse Survivors by guest @BCBrownBooks

Survivors of sexual assault experience the same Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as other forms of trauma.

There are a myriad of traumas and reactionary habits survivors of childhood sexual assault and adult sexual assault can experience. Some are catastrophic to living even a modicum of normalcy and others can be mild, almost imperceptible to anyone including the survivor. One thing that is sadly but unmistakably clear is that survivors – all survivors – carry some form of trauma for the rest of their lives. But that isn’t to say that all survivors suffer from their sexual assault for the duration of their lives.

I don’t tell my story often. It isn’t that I’m ashamed or uncomfortable. I know the positive power of a story. Awareness, personal revelation, warning signs, and even a comraderial feeling of support could all be perpetuated by my standing up and saying “I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault.” But I don’t.

At least, I don’t often. I recognized early that, while I was able to work past the traumas of my assaults, I wasn’t the only person impacted by it. There were others who missed what happened. And I absolutely do not blame them for missing something that I took great pains to hide because, at the time, I was ashamed and couldn’t deal with it.

So I tell my story infrequently and sparingly. But today I am going to tell it because something happened to me that I never expected to happen again. Something I thought myself well beyond in healing. I was triggered.

Triggers Defined

The word ‘trigger’ gets used too often of late, but it is a serious reaction that is recognized by every credible mental health organization in the world. Survivors of sexual assault experience the same Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as other forms of trauma.

‘For people with PTSD, it is very common for their memories to be triggered by sights, sounds, smells or even feelings that they experience. These triggers can bring back memories of the trauma and cause intense emotional and physical reactions, such as raised heart rate, sweating and muscle tension.’ (Mental Health America) ‘Posttraumatic Stress Disorder…is an anxiety disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of a traumatic event. A traumatic event is a life-threatening event such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical or sexual assault in adult or childhood.’

To avoid possibly triggering anyone else, I will only state that I was sexually assaulted by a trusted person from as early as I can remember until the age of twelve when I told a family member. I was also raped as a teenager. An incident that only my partners, a good friend, and my doctor have known until now. Since the incident in my childhood, however, I have been proactive regarding my mental health. I’ve never not seen a therapist or counselor. I see one now.

Sexual Abuse and PTSD 

And I was seeing a counselor as of Black Friday (the Friday immediately following Thanksgiving in the United States). That didn’t stop my latent PTSD, a condition from which I thought myself so far removed from being triggered when a man came up behind me after work and grabbed and struck me, and then exposed himself to me.

In the moment, all I knew was anger. Anger that someone could single me out – again. Rage that anyone could make me feel violated – again. So I fought. According to the police photographs taken of the assailant later, I fought hard and left welts and large bruises on him while I had only a few minor bruises and a red mark where he’d torn a lanyard free from my neck. And I felt triumphant…for 48-hours.

The thing about PTSD is its insidiousness. For many people, symptoms begin almost right away after the trauma. For others, the symptoms may not begin or may not become a problem until later, sometimes years later.

I experienced the normal reactions: constantly alert or on guard, avoiding reminders of the trauma, dwelling on the trauma or event, panic attacks, feelings of mistrust. Those hit fast and furious and were controllable. What I didn’t expect were the nightmares, the paranoia. Bad dreams about the recent assault were to be expected, but not of the person who abused me as a child. Certainly mistaking that I saw my assailant in a crowd might be anticipated, but not the teen who raped me in high school. All of this happened, despite decades of therapy and feeling as if, through some miracle, I was no longer affected by what had happened to me as a kid. But I was. I am.

Therapy for PTSD 

People may start to feel better after suffering trauma; their PTSD may cure itself, run its course. Then again, it may not. It’s also equally important to realize that, while a survivor might think they are fine and adjusted, they can be unexpectedly triggered. Counseling and therapy aren’t reliving the events again and again; maybe it’s dealing with daily stress because your particular fallout from PTSD is anxiety or panic attacks, maybe it’s problems with emotional regulation or interpersonal relationships.

For whatever reason or symptom, ongoing mental health is a very real need for survivors of sexual assault. Survivors can live very normal lives, but we’ll never be “cured” because the trauma became a part of us. Mental health professionals can help survivors channel that part into ways of living normally and even, as in Rachel’s and my article’s instance, helping others.

Please seek help if you have experienced sexual assault. And please make sure you continue to seek being proactive with your mental health, even if – like me – you feel as if you’re beyond the trauma. Believe me, the recent assault was nothing compared to the previous ones, but it has had lasting repercussions that are very real and very unexpected.

RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or online chat

Public Health Sexual Abuse Resources

National Sexual Violence Resource Center

Women Organized Against Rape (WOAR)

Not Alone (Specifically for students)

SurvJustice (Legal help)

Victim Rights Law Center

The Younique Foundation

***

BC Brown is the author of three novels and has participated in multiple short story anthologies. Having committed almost every ‘bad deed’ in the book of ‘How to Be An Author’, she now strives to educate others through humor and simple instruction.

Author BC Brown

She spends her spare time as a homeless advocate with The #humanKINDness Project. 

 

Find her at her website, on Facebook, Twitter (@BCBrownBooks), Instagram, and Pinterest.
Books: A Touch of Darkness ◘ A Touch of Madness ◘ Sister Light (out of print)
Anthologies: Fracas: A Collection of Short Friction ◘ Quixotic: Not Everyday Love Stories ◘ A Chimerical World: Tales of the Seelie Court ◘ Karaoke Jane (coming 2018)

***

For Rachel’s poetry and memoirs, go to Amazon

The post What You Need To Know About Triggers for Sexual Abuse Survivors by guest @BCBrownBooks appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

This Is The Reason I Stopped Posting on my Facebook Personal Account For a Month

Self-care.
Mental health.
Personal boundaries.
D, all of the above. 

Never a fan of discussing politics or religion on social media, I decided long before the election not to discuss anything having to do with either subject on any of my social media channels unless it has to do with topics I’m passionate about: sexual abuse or trauma of any kind, and women’s rights. If these topics arise, I made the decision to share articles I had personally researched and vetted, due to the plethora of fake news (more on that in a bit).

Regardless, I found Facebook to sometimes be a hotbed of attacks and derision. I suppose it’s because there are no limit constraints — people write opinion novels, without regard to respecting what someone has curated on their own personal wall. I’m all for polite discourse, yet I found this to be rare. No, I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. How boring. Yes, I do expect respect and adulting. No name-calling, which sadly happens frequently. Come on, people.

Yes, I realize, as the account owner, I can go through the effort of creating lists of who sees what, but I simply do not have the time (single mom of two teens, entrepreneur, working author, marketer, blah blah blah). Creating lists of whose feelings might be hurt on Facebook is not a priority for me.

So, with all this in mind, I decided: fuck it. I’m only going to post in my Street Team (a closed group — click if you want to request access) or on my verified author and business pages (save the occasional cat photo or quote). Still sharing articles, blog posts, insider tips, quotes, etc., there, and I’ve connected with some amazing people on Facebook who have become real-life friends, who’ve asked me to write for them (and me, them), and I’ve created and connected with an incredible survivor community (a private, secret group).

It’s not that I stopped using Facebook altogether — just my personal wall. If people wanted to find me, they could. I’m very active on Twitter, so they could always find me there, too.

Why I really stopped posting? What happened while I stopped posting? Where am I now? Let’s deconstruct. 

Why I Stopped Posting on my Personal Facebook Account

I realize my expectations are pretty high, but here’s my thinking: if you want to post racist shit on your wall, that’s your right. I have no right to go to your wall and tell you what to write or share or think because it’s yours. You curate it, you own it. That’s how it works. I respect your right to be a complete jar of hate and I will say nothing on your personal account.

Now, if you post that cowardly crap on a public page? That’s an entirely different story. Then you are fair game.

See the difference?

Apparently, I’m living in Ideal World, where I expect the same of others. Where, when they come to my personal account (aka, wall), they don’t call me names (or others who post comments and replies) or demand I do not share what I’ve shared because they respect my right to post what I want.

I don’t remember reading anywhere in the Facebook Rules having to ask permission of anyone else for what I’m allowed to post — is this a group decision? Do I need to ask “Mother, may I?” before sharing my thoughts and opinions on my own wall?

I’m not a baby and I’m not ego-bruised easily. I’m a fucking survivor and I was a salesperson for seventeen years. This isn’t about that. This is about me deciding not to deal with the whiners and armchair judges. Sure, I blocked people or unfriended. Yet, it didn’t feel like it was enough. So, I just…stopped.

And…the world didn’t end. And it was peaceful. And the angels…okay, that’s going too far. But it was nice.

Of course, being an anxious person, I started to worry: when we stop interacting with people of dissenting opinions, are we placing ourselves in a utopian tunnel of sameness? Will I stop seeing colors, a lá, The Giver? Will I let my hair go gray and get really bad bangs?

What Happened While I Stopped Posting on Facebook

A lot. Weinstein, senators, newsmen, actors, other directors…the list goes on. #MeToo became Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. And it’s about damn time. Millions of survivors have been sharing our stories of survival for years; many more have been living with the effects of sexual trauma even longer.

As a vocal, fierce advocate, I’ve gone toe to toe with people who seem to think some kinds of trauma don’t matter, aren’t as bad as others — because, you know, it’s up to, apparently, people who haven’t been sexually assaulted to decide exactly how traumatized a survivor is allowed to be — or question why some survivors waited so long to report (fear, humiliation, shame, and grooming, just to name a few).

I wrote about this for Daniel Maurer’s Transformation is Real site (I’m a regular contributor now) and the response has been mostly terrific. The only place it wasn’t? Facebook, where some people decided I was a victim who ‘couldn’t get over it,’ because writing and sharing experiences mean a survivor is still a victim, I guess. And even if I were, so what? At eleven years old, I was a victim of an egregious crime, in the legal sense of the word. I testified, and the perpetrator went to jail for eighteen months. Victims are not at fault. No victim, no survivor, ever.

I’m not sure what it is about the Facebook dynamic that creates this pile-on, mob mentality, where total strangers demand their needs be met, particularly when an issue has nothing to do with them. My experience and the #MeToo experiences of millions of other survivors don’t belong to them. It’s not their narrative to shift and change to fit their comfort level. Yet still, they accuse us of wanting money, attention, fame. It’s sickening.

Is this mentality exclusive to Facebook? No. We see it everywhere. I see it on Twitter as well, however, the content limitations of Twitter require brevity. They also conveniently have a Mute button.

Where Am I Now? Mixed.

Am I hiding, giving away my power or running away? Nope. I made a conscious choice to only interact with groups and people important to me. This is me taking my power back and only being accessible to people I want to interact with regularly.

As a test, I started posting again on my personal account this past week and sure enough, Trump supporters showed up to denigrate an article I shared as fake news (despite the fact that I had vetted the article, backed it up with sources and witnesses who were there that said what happened, happened).

Here’s my issue with that fake news claim: it’s awfully convenient to call an article one disagrees with “fake news.” That’s Propaganda 101. Here’s my process for posting articles: I personally review every article I share and ensure I can find another source (see, we have this thing you may have heard of, this search engine called Google where you can search stuff). Politicians will have you believe that certain sites are liberal or conservative depending on their ‘side,’ and therefore cannot be believed.

I call bullshit on this ridiculous bias. I minored in Journalism in college, and wrote for several magazines and newspapers after college. I write for many publications now. Regardless of what you’ve been fed, there are amazing journalists out there with integrity who just want to bring you the news.

This bias has a name, by the way: the hostile media effect. “The very nature of bias is that it’s a perception — it’s something that people see and they base it on what they see. Basically, whenever people are engaged in an issue, they see coverage as biased against their position, no matter what it is.” (Source: Dave D’Alessio, Journal of Communications)

Wake the hell up, people. Use your brains. Do your research. Especially if you are writers!

I provide source materials and facts to back up what I say. Your personal prejudices may keep you from believing something but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Yes, journalists and news sites make mistakes and they retract them. In this incredibly fast, minute-by-minute news cycle, it happens.

I normally don’t share political or religious articles on social media. Why did I share this one? Because it was about LGBT and black reporters being shunned by the White House holiday party, for the first time in a generation. Because the issue matters to me. Because it’s my right to share it. Then I stepped away to work and eat and I came back and wow — mud-slinging and nastiness. So I said ***COMMENTS CLOSED*** and figured okay, everyone settle down, let’s just go on with our lives.

But, nooooo. They continued to go at it. It’s 24 hours later as I write this and people are still leaving comments UNDER where I wrote ****COMMENTS CLOSED**** to tell me how unfair it is they were being picked on and disrespected after they picked on and disrespected others. Um…

Seriously? Adulting Time. Let it go. This is not your wall. Take it over to your wall, or go read a book, or write a blog post, or kiss your kid, or volunteer for your political party, or a homeless shelter or watch Buffy. I don’t know, but stop posting on my wall about how unfairly you’ve been treated over inflammatory comments you left on a post you didn’t like and called fake news.

There is Life Outside of Facebook. Live It

Ultimately, I’m posting again because of my advocacy for survivors. It’s important to me to use my voice and platform for those who can’t or aren’t able to speak about their abuse.

Compassion matters. Survivors matter. In the end, that’s all. That’s everything.

Will I unfriend and block people? I have, my friends, I have. I find Facebook exhausting sometimes. And a time-suck. Despite the many benefits of connecting with readers, family, and friends, what I’ve discussed today are real drawbacks that can and do affect me and countless others. Setting boundaries is crucial. So is living life off the damn computer and phone.

I truly do not have answers, and I’m sure sharing this will incite people who disagree with me, which is cool. I’m an adult and this is my blog. I get to say and share and rant as I please. And hey, as I say, disagree with me. Let’s discuss it. Politely, without name-calling, in a way we can all learn.

Otherwise, we might as well be mumbling to ourselves in a corner, wondering where all the colors have gone.

 

For Rachel’s poetry and memoirs, go to Amazon

 

 

 

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This is Why We Snap: New Science Behind Sudden Acts of Violence

Domestic Violence Awareness Month 

To further educate and inform during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Dr. R. Douglas Fields, Ph.D., renowned neuroscientist and an international authority on brain development offer his insights on Why We Snap—which is also the title of his book.

Sudden Acts of Violence  

Recently, Dr. Fields joined AuthorBytes Café host Jordan Rich for a podcast to help listeners better understand the topic of violent behavior and aggression. In this podcast, Dr. Fields enlightens and educates Café listeners as to Why We Snap—the startling new science behind sudden acts of anger and violence. He goes on to encapsulate his book into three bytes or areas of this behavior listeners can recognize:

First, what it means when we snap, the impulsiveness and how the brain is hard-wired to react. How does this type of behavior rise to the surface in, otherwise, normal people?
Byte two discusses the cultural influences behind rage. How stress, gender, genes, and the environment greatly impact violent triggers and tendencies.
Thirdly, the podcast delves into Dr. Fields thoughts and the science of identifying these triggers so we can better control them.

Learn More

Dr. Fields has published over 150 studies in scientific journals and books from his experimental research on the brain. His scientific research has been featured in newspapers, magazines, radio, and television, including the National Geographic, ABC News Nightline, NPR Morning Edition, and public television. In addition to his scientific research, Dr. Fields writes about neuroscience in several popular periodicals, including The Washington Post Magazine and Scientific American; he is also a regular online columnist for several well-read publications.

He’s written two science books for the general audience: The Other Brain and Why We Snap, about the neuroscience of sudden anger, aggression, and threat detection.

 

Domestic Violence Resources: 

24/7/365 PHONE SUPPORT

Trained advocates are available to take your calls through our toll-free, 24/7/365 hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Live chat is another option for getting real-time, one-on-one support. Available 24/7/365 (En Español: 12-6 p.m. Hora Central). Click here to find your time zone.

RAINN.org 

GET HELP 24/7
800-656-HOPE
Live Chat 

For Rachel’s poetry and memoirs, go to Amazon or Pronoun – her new publishing home for

The post This is Why We Snap: New Science Behind Sudden Acts of Violence appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

Message to Men: If You See Something, Say Something by guest @CuttingRoomMRB

 

Give a moment or two to the angry young man

With his foot in his mouth and his heart in his hand

He’s been stabbed in the back, he’s been misunderstood

It’s a comfort to know his intentions are good

Billy Joel – The Angry Young Man

Speaking as a man, I find myself in a difficult spot lately. With tensions as high as they are surrounding the recent sexual harassment firestorm in the entertainment industry, the last thing anybody wants to hear from men are platitudes like “Not all men are bad” or “As a man, I am disgusted that this kind of behavior still exists.” Talk like that is a dismissive if well-intentioned form of sympathy but, often times it is the only thing men can say. Sharing one’s own experiences, however, is much more difficult.

I want to be clear that I am not seeking a single ounce of sympathy in writing this piece.

My only objective is to offer some form of what I hope is received as solidarity in this safe but, relatively narrow space. In the interest of protecting the guilty and fear of possible retaliation online, I’m going to refer to the players in my stories as Mr. W, Mr. X, Mr. Y, and Mr. Z. Not all of the incidents you’re about to read were sexual in nature either but, I will try to keep my focus there.

Bullying 

I grew up in an idyllic little town about 30 miles north of Montreal called Lorraine. This was a typical white-collar suburb that looked like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting. Being in the province of Quebec, the town was mostly French-speaking which meant that the few English speaking families moved in much closer circles.

Though you never saw it amongst the adults, there was a definite food chain when it came to us kids and for the group my age, I was at the very bottom of it. The ringleader was a stout, vicious little bastard named Mr. W who for some reason had an ability to get all of the other boys in the neighborhood to do pretty much whatever he wanted them to do – including terrorizing yours truly both mentally and physically.

From the ages of roughly seven to fifteen, my daily reality was finding clever places to hide to avoid Mr. W’s mob or run like hell if they found me. Sometimes I was able to get away and sometimes I went home with fresh emotional scars or actual bruises. However, once I did get home, my parents (though good people) weren’t much help. Because they were friends with the parents of these kids, the pressure fell to me to go back outside and make amends with the same kids who were giving me such a hard time so that my parents could maintain their friendships.

My parents never put it in exactly those terms of course but, I could think of no other reason why they’d ask me to do it. Part of me understood and even empathized with them. I had a sister who was three years younger than me and was much more popular with her generation of kids than I was with mine. It wasn’t fair for them to hold grudges against everyone else in town just because I was having a hard time. I honestly believed them when they said I’d grow out of it and once I graduated from high school, the likelihood of my ever seeing these guys again was minimal. I could just wait things out.

When Bullying Turns to Violence 

One of the last times I was ever hurt at the hands of this group was in Junior High. While barreling down a hallway to avoid yet another pummeling, I made a sharp turn around a corner. Waiting for me was a member of the gang named Mr. X who kicked me head first into a concrete wall. The pain was blinding. I remember hitting the ground and curling up into a tight ball with my hands over my head. Mr. W and the rest of his group circled around me and kicked me all over screaming profane insults until a hall supervisor finally broke through and carted me to the nurse’s office.

My father, who was on the school’s administration staff was called in to see me. The nurse was insistent that I get checked out by a doctor as she was worried I might suffer a concussion. Dad dropped everything at work and I spent the afternoon and evening in the hospital. That night at home, my parents woke me up once an hour to make sure that I was still conscious. I was back at school the next morning and tried to act like nothing had happened. Mr. X thanked me for not having identified him as the one who kicked me but, otherwise expressed no concern for my welfare.

Right around the same time, there was another bully outside of Mr. W’s group entirely that I never told anyone about until well into my adulthood. Even then, it was only to a few people and certainly not my parents or siblings.

Sexual Assault 

Mr. Y was a year older than me but, still in my grade having flunked his first attempt at eighth grade. I now feel compelled to give you, the reader, the benefit of cutting to the chase so, allow me to be blunt. This was my first encounter with sexual assault and it went on for pretty much the whole school year.

Mr. Y’s routine with me was to “pretend” that he was gay and in the two classes that we shared together (French and Gym) would do everything he could to make my life miserable. It started with him sneaking up on me and whispering all the disgusting things he would do to me if he ever caught me alone.

When he got bored with the verbal taunts, he started to try to grab my genitals while making his threats – even succeeding on a couple of occasions. I became terrified of going to Gym class in particular because it involved changing clothes and I tried to invent every excuse I could not to go. Eventually, two other kids who I didn’t know very well began to take notice of how scared I was of Mr. Y and convinced him to leave me alone.

So, now we flash forward a few years. Mr. W, Mr. X, and Mr. Y are all distant memories. I’m in university muddling my way through a series of other press-worthy and mostly self-inflicted issues that would make for another good piece of writing at a later date.

One quiet afternoon, I’m minding my own business buying a few things at the grocery store for my mother when a voice calls out my name. A tall, lean, professional looking young man with a broad friendly grin approaches me that I didn’t recognize at first. “Casey? It’s me… Mr. Y… we were friends in high school, remember?”

I had a full-on panic attack right there in the store. The tone of his voice was what scared me the most. This guy was actually standing there talking to me like I would be happy to see him. I left my cart where it was and ran out of the store in search of the nearest pay phone. I called a close friend who had then known some (but, not all) of what I’ve just shared. He took the time to talk me through the panic attack and over the next several minutes, was able to convince me that I wasn’t in any danger.

After hanging up with him, I went back to the store and found my cart right where I’d left it and Mr. Y nowhere in sight.

Flashing 

By now, I was working a steady job as a waiter at the local branch of a large, well-known family restaurant chain. The hours were long and the money was bad but, some of the characters I met along the way were hilarious and usually made it a fun place to be. That was until I was introduced to the unique brand of humor from a line cook named Mr. Z.

Several of the staff had signature pranks that they would pull on people just for the sake of killing time. One guy was an expert with accents and would routinely call in pretending to make dinner reservations with the manager – making increasingly ridiculous demands until the poor boss caught on.

Mr. Z? Mr. Z liked to flash people. He only ever did this with guys because (presumably) he knew that if he tried it with women, he’d get fired. He used to wear these loose fitting shorts and then surprise an unsuspecting male coworker in the break room by lifting his apron and showing the goods. The first time it happened to me, I was so shocked that I launched my glass of soda at him and ran from the place. Mr. Z would have gotten away with it too because I never planned to say anything but, in the short time it took me to catch my breath, he was bragging about it and I had much of the staff laughing at me when I did come back.

Oddly, it did feel like they were congratulating me on some sort of perverse rite of passage. The only trouble was that I didn’t appreciate the joke. I made noise about reporting him to management but, a group of the guys talked me out of it. My being obviously grossly inexperienced with women at the time also didn’t help my case so, I was the long-term subject of a lot of mean-spirited sexual innuendo humor from both the men and women on the staff. That hurt but, I learned to drown it out.

Another member of the team even acted as a peacemaker between myself and Mr. Z. Mr. Z apologized for showing me his “junk” (as men sometimes say) and I told him that I would try to keep my temper under control and promised I wouldn’t take the problem to management.

It’s Your Turn, Guys — Say Something 

To use my dear friend Rachel’s expression, when it comes to assault or harassment, “Mancode” dictates that you stay quiet.

Men don’t tell on other men. Only wimps do that.

Men take harassment and find a way to process it as a learning opportunity.

Men either get tough or pack up shop and find a new place to call home.

But, most importantly, men need to cut through the bullshit and speak up more when they get hurt. Barring that, if you see something, say something.

My name is Casey Ryan and as a man, I have one last thing to say.

“Me too.”

 

Casey Ryan is the host and creator of “The Cutting Room Floor” – a talk-radio style podcast that seeks to promote independent entertainers of all types. Casey has an extensive background in corporate sales and often uses his skills to help market his guests’ projects on air. To contact Casey, please follow him on Twitter or like his Facebook page.
 
For Rachel’s poetry and memoirs, go to Amazon or Pronoun – her new publishing home for


Broken Pieces  and  Broken Places

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