Joshua Becker's Blog, page 77

How to Craft A Life You Don’t Need to Escape From

There is a quote from Seth Godin I love to post in the Becoming Minimalist Facebook group. It goes like this:

Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.

The quote is appreciated by most people who see it. But there are always a few (on any quote that I post) who want to disagree, dissent, and argue with the sentiment.

In this particular case, they comment that vacations are fun and traveling is good. Both of which I do not disagree with. The point of the quote is not whether vacations are fun and traveling is good.

The point of the quote is rather than only enjoying our life while on vacation, holiday, or weekend, we should strive to make our lives the ones we want to be living—every day of the week.

Rather than seeing vacation as your annual opportunity to escape life… craft a life you don’t need to escape from.

This is not necessarily easy to do. But it is entirely possible. In fact, for the most part, I have done this with my life. I love my every day. I don’t count the days until the weekend, I enjoy Monday as much as I do Saturday.

Here are nine ways to begin crafting a life you don’t need to escape:

1. Make Relationships a Priority.

The old adage is quite true, “There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.” Loving relationships bring a joy into our lives that can never be matched by income, title, or career achievements. People matter and are worth the effort. It is important to notice in the adage above that several types of relationships are important to our well-being. One, where we are being loved by another. And a second, where we are pouring out love. Work to have both.

2. Remove Unneeded Possessions from Your Home and Life.

Physical possessions are a burden to us. They require time, energy, money, and always distract us from the things in life that matter most. It is difficult to fully appreciate how much of a burden our possessions have become until we begin to remove them. Contrary to what advertisers shout from the rooftop, more stuff will not make you happy. Quite the opposite is true. The first step in crafting the life you want is to get rid of everything you don’t.

3. Make Your Work Your Job.

Vicki Robin, in the first issue of Simple Money Magazine (which you can download for free) draws a helpful distinction between “work” and “job.” Your job, she would say, is what you do for money to provide shelter, clothing, and food. Your work, on the other hand, is what you do to contribute to others, the causes you are passionate about, and the good you wish to bring into this world. When your work is also your job, you have achieved a sweet spot in life.

4. Or, See Your Job as Part of Your Work.

Of course, #3 above is not always possible for all people. Sometimes, our work does not provide financial compensation and pursuing our passion as a career is not always feasible. Still other times, because of the immediacy of life’s demands, we are required to do the job in front of us for the sake of providing for those who are counting on us. In those cases, there is still opportunity to craft a life you do not need to escape from. But it requires us to rethink the nature of our job by focusing on the good that it brings into the world and recognizing how it aligns with our work in other ways.

5. Guard Your Time.

Not every pursuit in life deserves your energy. It is important for each of us to become more aware of what is truly worth the hours of our one, short, important life. Those who have crafted a life they love have not done so by saying “yes” to every opportunity or invitation in their inbox. They have done so by guarding their time ruthlessly for the things that matter most and by learning to say “no” graciously to the others.

6. Take Care of Yourself.

There is little joy in a selfish life focused entirely on self. What matters at the end of our life is not the house we lived in, the car we drove, or the possessions we purchased. What will matter in the end is how we treated others. Keep selfless living the goal of life. However, an empty cup cannot pour into another. If we are going to live selfless lives (the true measure of success), we must learn that caring for ourselves is the first step in caring for others. Rest, exercise, and pursue healthy habits… we need you to be the best version of yourself.

7. Appreciate Your Season in Life.

Just as seasons of the year come and go, so do seasons of life. We’re kids, in college, young adults, newly married, raising children, empty-nesters, grandparents, caring for aging parents, being cared for ourselves… or any combination of the seasons above. Those who are most satisfied with life are those who appreciate the current season of life they are in and learn to make the most of it. They do not long for the next one or attempt to continue living in the previous one. They accept the reality of changing seasons and embrace each one with grace and resolve.

8. Understand the Reality of Trials in Life.

Every person in life is either in the middle of a trial, has just emerged from one, or is heading toward the next. Trials and storms come and go—sometimes as a result of our own poor decisions and sometimes as the result of living in an imperfect world. Trials often become the very thing we most wish to escape in life—sometimes for good reason. But given the nature of their constant existence, how can we learn to appreciate the life we have in the midst of these trials? First, we embrace the reality of their existence. And second, we look for the good in the midst of them (no matter how hard we need to look).

9. Find Happiness in Your Every Day.

Happiness is not something to be pursued, it is something to be discovered and recognized. If you are expecting to find happiness after _____ changes, you will never discover it. The hardest truth to grasp about happiness is also the most promising: It can be experienced each day regardless of your current lot in life. As Thomas Kinkade once said, “True simplicity begins when you learn to enjoy the amazing abundance of what is already yours.”

If you want to craft a life you do not need to escape from, you can do so. It may require you to change your mindset, your pursuits, or where you focus your energy, but it is always worth it.

Introducing Simple Money Magazine

Simple Money Magazine is a quarterly, digital publication full of practical financial advice for the modern family. It is designed specifically to help you handle your money more effectively and intentionally.

It is a special project I have been working on with one of the world’s best bloggers focused on intentional living: Brian Gardner of No Sidebar.

Together, we set out to create something helpful, informative, encouraging, beautiful, and inspirational. Money is the #1 source of stress in peoples’ lives and we wanted to help people on their journey.

Simple Money Magazine is entirely ad-free, reader-supported, reader-focused publication. Each issue of the magazine features expert contributors writing practical, helpful content for the modern family. Each article is chosen, not because of click-baity headlines, but because it contains information that all people can benefit from, living more fulfilling lives.

The magazine is digital—it can be read online or downloaded as a .pdf for your mobile reading device.

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To give you a sense of the type of content in Simple Money Magazine, here are some of the articles in Issue 001:

The Antidote to Money Shame. by Bari Tessler, Financial therapist, mentor coach, author of The Art of Money: A Life-Changing Guide to Financial Happiness.

Separating Your Work, Your Income, and Your Job. by Vicki Robin, Social innovator, writer, and speaker. She is a coauthor, with Joe Dominguez, of the international bestseller Your Money or Your Life.

How to Save Your First $1,000. by Philip Taylor, Founder of FinCon, a nationwide expo for financial influencers.

Mind over Money. by Gary Belsky, Former editor-in-chief of ESPN The Magazine and co-author, with Thomas Gilovich, of Why Smart People Make Big Money Mistakes—and How to Correct Them.

Stop Spoiling Your Kids. by Neale Godfrey. Author of Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Financially Responsible Children, #1 New York Times bestseller on teaching children aged three to twenty about money.

Plus 5 others (including mine). Ten articles total… in just the first issue.

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To sample the new magazine, we are offering the first issue for free—with no obligation. Check it out, see if you like it.

I think you will find the magazine to be an intentionally simple, enjoyable reading experience. I hope you feel encouraged and challenged in your financial journey after reading it. There are a lot of people looking for help—I think this resource will provide it.

Simple Money is unique in its subscription model. We offer Lifetime Subscriptions for $25. A lifetime subscription offers access to all past, present, and future issues. No recurring bills, just a one-time subscription—we want people to read it and be encouraged by it.

Even better, to help gain traction this first month, we’re offering a Buy One, Gift One Lifetime Subscription for $20 during the month of October. That’s two lifetime subscriptions—one for you and one for a friend or family member.

Or, if you prefer, individual issues can be downloaded for $6 directly through the website.

But for now, go check it out. Download the free, first issue for to get a feel for the magazine. If you think the magazine will be helpful to you, your family, or a friend, subscribe.

Inspiring Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

Never underestimate the importance of removing stuff you don’t need.

Encouragement provides us with motivation to persevere. It invites us to dream dreams of significance for our lives. And it begs us to work diligently with optimism and promise.

Overcoming the pull of consumerism is a difficult challenge regardless of our stage in life. Simplicity requires encouragement. To that end, I hope you will find motivation in these articles below.

Each post was intentionally chosen to inspire simplicity in your life. For maximum effect, find a quiet moment this weekend and enjoy them with a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

Waste Not Want Not: Time, Money, and Trash | No Sidebar by Lori Sanders. What can I do right now to help eliminate waste and benefit both me and my planet?

Simplicity is a Light, Inviting You Back to Your Soul | A Life in Progress by Lisa Avellan. There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the life.

15 Clutter-Free Birthday Party Gifts for Kids | Simple Families by Denaye Barahona Ph.D. When it comes to simplicity, birthday parties can feel anything but simple.

Your Guide to Becoming a Minimalist & Simplifying Your Life | Journey to Launch Podcast with Jamila Souffrant. Minimalism gives you the chance to pursue happiness outside of your physical possessions. Here’s a recent interview I did for Jamila’s podcast.

5 Minimalism Mistakes to Avoid | YouTube (6:31) by FrugalChicLife. Don’t get sucked into the labels and rules that other people create.

Dream Bigger Dreams Than Minimalism

Being a minimalist is not my greatest goal in life. It is not my greatest obsession. I dream much bigger dreams for my life.

I am passionate about my soul, my wife, my kids, my friends, solving problems, and influencing others for good. I want to live a significant life that makes the most of the potential and opportunities I have been given.

I will focus on these priorities above everything else. They are the most important to me and the most important for the world around me.

In short: I am a husband, a father, and a human bring first. I am a minimalist second.

This is not to discount the lifestyle I have chosen and have dedicated the last ten years of my life to promoting.

Minimalism is a means to that very end.

Minimalism removes physical distractions so my greatest priorities can be elevated. It allows my life to be defined by eternal pursuits, those dreams that will long outlast me, not by the physical possessions in my home.

Minimalism is a means to an end, but it is not the end itself.

Minimalism simplifies life. It focuses our energies on things that matter. But obsessing about minimalism begins to complicate it again. And I refuse to allow possessions to define my life—not the collection of them or the removal of them. My desire is that my possessions will never be a burden to me, whether in abundance or lack.

At the end of my life, I want to hear my children say, “You were a good father,” not “you were good at being a minimalist.” I want people to remember me as a friend and servant and someone who stayed focused on the needs of others, not as “a minimalist.”

Therefore, I choose minimalism. But it will never become an obsession. It will define my lifestyle, but not my life.

I invite you: Dream big dreams with your life. Dream bigger dreams than minimalism. Pursue greater achievements with your newfound time, energy, and money.

Minimalism is not the finish line. It is only a manner of arriving there.

Inspiring Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

F ill your life with stories to tell, not stuff to show.

The simplicity/minimalism movement is a beautiful community. And I enjoy any opportunity to promote writing that encourages people to live more by owning less.

So fix yourself a nice warm cup of coffee or tea. Find a quiet moment this weekend. And enjoy some encouraging words to inspire more simplicity in your life today.

How to Let Go of Any Possession | Zen Habits by Leo Babauta. There’s nothing physical that keeps us from letting go of possessions — it’s just our attachment that gets in the way.

The Psychology Behind Not Adding New Things Into Your Life | No Sidebar by Louis Chew. We can’t have it all. For everything we include, there’s something we must exclude as well. That’s the mentality we must have when deciding whether to introduce new things into our lives.

How Decluttering Led to Realizing a Lifelong Dream | Helena K Rhee by Helena Ku Rhee. Had I spent more years rotating among hobbies and collecting more stuff, it would’ve taken much, much longer for me to realize my original dream of becoming a published author. I would’ve simply been too distracted.

Sometimes You Have to Quit to Get Ahead | The New York Times by Stephanie Lee. What if we’ve been looking at quitting all wrong? What if, rather than a step backward, quitting with intention can be a way to leap toward your goals?

How to Handle Gifts as a Minimalist | Becoming Minimalist on YouTube. (3:04)

The Invitation of Minimalism

The world shouts consumerism and consumption from every rooftop, billboard, and television. Minimalism quietly invites us to intentionality.

The world tells us to buy more. Minimalism invites us to pursue less.

The world attempts to “impress” more. Minimalism invites us to “live” more.

Minimalism is, in many ways, an invitation. It is not forced. It is not mandated. It is not mainstream. But it is willing to embrace all.

The invitation is heard as a quiet whisper (though I am thankful for the increasing number of voices online amplifying it). Unfortunately, in a world that spends billions of advertising dollars seeking our attention, a quiet whisper can be difficult to hear.

But stop, listen. It is there. It is calling for you.

And why shouldn’t it? It has so much to offer.

Minimalism is an invitation to less stress. A minimalist life removes the clutter from our lives that heaps stress upon us. It embraces cleaner rooms, cleaner surfaces, and cleaner schedules. And in doing so, it embraces less uncertainty.

Minimalism is an invitation to less debt. Minimalism refuses to consume beyond our means. It has chosen to forgo keeping up with the “Joneses.” Instead, it seeks contentment. Minimalists around the world have paid off thousands of dollars in debt by embracing a new lifestyle. So can you.

Minimalism is an invitation to more time. Material possessions drain a countless amount of our time (purchasing, cleaning, maintaining, organizing, and rearranging). Minimalism recaptures that valuable time for our lives.

Minimalism is an invitation to freedom. Possessions hold us back and weigh us down. They keep us tied to the past rather than moving forward. Minimalism has removed unneeded possessions and found newfound freedom in life. And there are no limits to what you can accomplish with this new freedom.

Minimalism is an invitation to value life. At its core, minimalism is about identifying and embracing our individual values. It refuses to allow culture or corporations to shape our hearts’ desires. It has identified what is most valuable in life and has removed everything that distracts us from it. And life has been reclaimed.

Of course, receiving an invitation is one thing. Attending the party is something completely different.

The invitations have been sent. The door is wide open. And the party is amazing! Won’t you join us?

I Joyfully Decluttered These 5 Things to Boost Happiness

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui of A Life in Progress.

We have two lives: the one we learn with and the life we live after that. —Bernard Malamud

My 40’s have undoubtedly been the hardest and best years of my life so far. I have grieved, walked through pain, moved kids to college, learned to rest. I’ve learned to love myself in earnest and show up through fear, I’ve healed and done hard things, put down deeper roots.

It has been a season of learning to let go of what no longer serves.

While I am a slow & simple advocate, it is neither the pursuit of simplicity nor absence of stuff alone that determines my happiness. My happiness is rooted instead in a sense of freedom, of living on purpose, and in inner calm.

Happiness grows its tenacious roots inside of me.

(You might also like to read about these 10 ways to cultivate happiness)

I Joyfully Decluttered These 5 Things to Boost Happiness
1. Needing you to like me

Care about what others think and you will always be their prisoner. —Lao Tzu

One of the greatest obstacles to my freedom—and happiness—is caring much what others think of me. I stopped saying yes out of obligation, trying to be a good girl or please others at the expense of my mental health or family. I packed up my efforts at trying to keep up perfectly and made more space to laugh, create, and simply breathe.

I appreciate the wise advice of Brené Brown who suggests we take a 1 x 1 inch square of paper and make a list of people whose opinions matter to us—those people who love and accept us with all our quirks and imperfections. “If you need more paper, you need to edit,” she encourages. Interestingly, I don’t need you to like me as much now because I’ve decided to like myself.

The more I have come to like and appreciate myself—to see my strengths and weaknesses with neither shame nor ego, my happiness grows. As I offer myself more compassion and learn to move through perfectionism, fear, and comparison, I am also more able to pour out compassion for others and show up with courage to serve.

2. Needing to know all the answers

Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers. —Rainer Maria Rilke

One of the bulkiest pieces of baggage I’ve decluttered was my desperate need to have health and faith, parenting and marriage, all figured out with a surefire 7-step program, no questions or fears remaining. I wanted certainty and rules and a perfect framework to guide me—instead I lived dripping with anger and anxiety.

To boost happiness, I needed to make space for the questions. I have learned through challenging circumstances to loosen my grip and make space for more mystery and possibility. To trust that I can do hard things and no matter what, I will be OK.

Releasing an imaginary construct of how life “should be” allows me to step out onto the small bit of light ahead of me. I show up curious now—one step and then another—and experience far greater joy on this messy journey. I don’t need to control my world or have all the answers to feel safe. I can just show up messy, imperfect, and real.

3. Living stuck in fear

In the depths of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. —Albert Camus

Sometimes it is in the smelly and litter-strewn trenches that we learn we have what it takes. We are far stronger and more resilient than we ever understood before. I haven’t exactly figured out how to declutter fear but I’ve broken the tight grip it had on me. I show up every day afraid but I also show up happy and filled with gratitude.

Fear itself is a human emotion, there is no shame in it. But I always get to choose my response. I can show up through fear to help build a world I want to live in. I can get honest with myself above all about who I am and what I want or need and love the world and my family to the best of my ability.

Burying many family members to cancer leaves its scars and as I approach the age at which my mom died I find myself counting down the years. The truth is none of us knows the number of days we get so I make a decision each morning that this simple day is my favorite.

4. Letting outward circumstances dictate my joy

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. —John Milton

Much of happiness is a choice and the result of not putting our hope in transient things. A deliberate decision to scan for beauty, live with gratitude, and intentionally choose our response.

Without a doubt one of the most impactful ways I boosted happiness in my 40’s was by remembering that I am the boss of my thoughts. I kicked out the old negative stories and unhelpful imagining. I no longer believe every story that my brain spins for me and I’ve learned that no other human or circumstance can make me unhappy. I always get to choose.

Nice things and opportunities are lovely gifts, but for health and happiness purpose trumps pleasure. Instead of waiting for life to make me happy, or for everyone and everything in my world to be at peace, I focus on contribution and building community.

5. Listening to external voices instead of letting my life speak

Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am. —Parker Palmer

There is constant temptation to conform in this world but I’ve never found happiness in being who I’m not. I need to wrestle and question and forge my own path. I want to honor that to which I feel called.

For my birthday this year I chose a new theme or mantra – “listen to your life speak.” In my 40’s I’ve been decluttering trying to look like, sound like, or keep up to anyone else. I’m remembering who I am. My mission, the gifts I have to offer, what I require to feel healthy, what it is that I’m after. When I let go of needing to be deemed acceptable by you, I grow increasingly happy and calm.

I’m not a fan of “gurus” or “experts” because you’re the expert of your life. I believe we’re wired differently on purpose—different style, different speech, different gifts to build this world. We can boost happiness by listening in and then offering our unique perspective.

It’s never too late to change direction. Cull your closet, reduce purchases, simplify your calendar to live with intention. But dig in deeper too; what burdensome weight do you need to declutter so you can live free, on purpose, and show up happier?

At 47 I’ve likely walked out more than half of my story but my happiness grows more robust than ever. I am no longer willing to carry baggage that isn’t mine or chase happiness in accolade or external reward. And if it is true that we have two lives—then I’m joyfully living the second of mine.

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Krista is a writer & Joyful Living Educator. She helps other messy humans move through perfectionism, comparison, and fear to show up fully to their imperfect and beautiful lives. Connect with her on Facebook or at A Life in Progress.

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Inspiring Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

There’s more to life than buying stuff.

There are many wonderful people pursuing and promoting simplicity. Fortunately, some of them are gifted in communication and choose to encourage and inspire us with their words. I enjoy reading their unique perspective. I’m sure you will too.

So fix yourself a nice warm cup of coffee or tea on this beautiful weekend. Find a quiet moment. And enjoy some encouraging words about finding more simplicity in your life today.

What I’ve Learned Getting Rid of *1 Thing* Every Day! (Going on 48 Days Now!) | Budgets Are Sexy by J. Money. I get a high every time I throw something into that donation box! Haha… And I keep finding stuff too, despite being a practicing minimalist.

Our Children’s Busyness Is Not A Badge of Honor (And Why We Need To Change It) | Raised Good by Tracy Gillett. We’ve devalued what children need most and replaced it with excessive adult control.

Seven Reasons to Own Less | Forbes by Joshua Becker. Possessions had become the great distraction in my life. And the best way to recenter myself on the things that mattered most was to remove the excess from my home.

The Un-Celebrity President | The Washington Post by Kevin Sullivan and Mary Jordan. Jimmy Carter shuns riches, lives modestly in his Georgia hometown. *Readers of The Washington Post website have access to a limited number of articles every month.

What Is Minimalism? | Becoming Minimalist on YouTube.

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Uncluttered. If you’re looking for help to declutter your home in order to live a better life, our 12-week online course will help you accomplish that and much more. It all begins this Tuesday, September 04. But registrations ends on Sunday—so sign up now. It’s the last time we are offering the course in 2018.

Get Uncluttered This Fall

“I have significantly less stress in my life and more self-control. Most importantly, I’m becoming more like the mom and wife I want to be.” — Caryn Seney

Uncluttered

Uncluttered is a 12-week online course designed intentionally to help you own less, live more, and discover the life you’ve always wanted.

We offer the course only three times each year. We are launching the Fall Edition today. But registration ends on Sunday, September 02 at 11:59pm.

If you want this to be the season you declutter your home, own less, and get ahead financially, this is the right program for you.

The course includes…

Videos with step-by-step instructions
Interviews with thought leaders in productivity and minimalism
Live webinars tackling specific tough-clutter topics
Live Q&As for members to ask questions
Weekly challenges
And perhaps best of all: accountability and encouragement from a super-engaged community.

If you are drawn to the idea of owning less, but need some extra help getting there, this course is perfect for you. Uncluttered will provide just the motivation you need to declutter your home and start living a better life. By the end, you will have decluttered every major living area in your home and begun changing your spending habits.

Every Monday, you will receive a video from me, an exclusive interview with one of the brightest minds in the simplicity movement, and/or written content prepared exclusively for the course. You will receive a weekly challenge to complete. And opportunities to engage with the community in a private Facebook group and with me during live webinars and live question and answer opportunities.

The course offers everything a book or blog post cannot: community, accountability, and opportunity to ask questions.

The Uncluttered plan will help you celebrate your progress as it provides helpful answers on where to start and how to stay motivated.

To find more information about the content and the subjects covered, click here.

Extra Tools to Get Your Family On Board

We’ve created special material for those of you with families.

Because of the high number of people with families who register for the course, we have included a special family-specific section with tips and strategies for getting your family and kids onboard with the process. The new section includes a family-specific webinar to answer your questions, a free Children’s ebook to read with your kids, and a Couple’s Discussion Guide to spark conversation with your spouse or partner.

We want you to find the most success during the 12-week course and we are confident these resources will help you do that.

The Results

Over 20,000 people have gone through the course. Here are just a few of the responses:

The term life-changing gets thrown around a lot, but this course really is. I went into it with a lot of shame and anxiety. Joshua gently guided us in a way that made lasting change seem possible. My home is much improved, but my mindset is also clearer. —Kathryn Wagner, Los Angeles, CA

The power of this shared experience is hard to explain to people, it is so overwhelmingly positive. It not only provides the incentive to keep going, but reminds you there are good people out there. You find yourself rooting for complete strangers. Together, there is a momentum that drives you through the course. It was completely unexpected and so overwhelmingly helpful. —Tanya S, Webster, NY

I am a better mother, a better wife, a better housekeeper, a better budgeter, a better teacher, a better neighbor and a better friend. I’m still a work in progress, but it feels good to be where I am at. —Pam L.

My credit card statement came today. $1,000.00 under my typical monthly balance! Thank you Uncluttered community. I’ve been at this for years; however, it’s clear I truly needed this group to get to that next level. —Cheyanne Morris, St. Paul, MN

The Details

We offer the course three times each year.

The Fall Edition begins on Tuesday, September 04. Declutter your home before the holidays. Registration is open now, but only for the next 9 days — ending September 02.

The cost is $89. But you can find a 25% off discount code in the back of The More of Less: Finding the Life You Want Under Everything You Own. The book is not required—but the course is based on it. And it’s cheaper to buy the book and use the discount code than it is to pay full price—the option is yours.

I am personally involved in every aspect of the course. Helping people live more by owning less is what I am passionate about. I created the videos and the content. I host the webinars. I answer questions in the Facebook group. And I host live video chats over the course of the 12 weeks. My goal is to help and cheer you along. I have come to understand how essential community, accountability, and ongoing encouragement is for people. And I work hard to craft that culture for the Uncluttered Course. 

When you join Uncluttered, you’ll receive lifetime access to the course. That means you can take it as many times as you want (or need). I know life can be busy, and the unexpected can happen at any time. But we’re here to help you succeed. And if you ever want to do the course again, or just enjoy a decluttering refresher, you’ll be welcomed back.

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Uncluttered is a 12-week online program with videos, interviews, webinars, articles, weekly challenges, accountability, and community. It is strategically packaged for one purpose: To help you unclutter your home, own less stuff, and find space to live the life you want.

Visit My Becoming Minimalist to register.

Make this the season you discover the home and life you’ve always wanted.

The Life We Learned

My wife, Kim, and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage next summer. Our wedding ceremony in 1999 took place at a church in Omaha, NE. As part of the process, we attended premarital counseling. Our counselor’s insights and wisdom helped secure a solid foundation on which to build our marriage. I recommend it to everyone.

One of the key components of our counseling sessions was to better understand how each of us were raised differently, by different parents, in different parts of the country. It didn’t take long into our conversation to discover important factors in the way we were raised that led to differences of opinion on things—both big and little.

Take birthdays for example. Birthdays were never a big thing in my family. We celebrated them, of course, but usually when it was convenient—moving the celebration to a weekend was a common occurrence. (Perhaps the fact that my two siblings and I all have birthdays within three days of each other, in December, had something to do with it.)

For my wife, however, the actual birthdate is special. Her family always celebrated each person’s birthday with a large family dinner on the actual day. It included gifts and food and family—and everyone made a point to be there.

In this one example, my wife and I were raised with different experiences that ultimately influenced how we view birthdays. Even to this day, my wife experiences disappointment if I am not as attentive to her actual birthdate as she has come to expect.

Expectations based on our family of origin contribute significantly to the people we are today in countless (and often unforeseen) ways. The family dynamics we experienced and the economic conditions surrounding that phase of life are important for us to examine in order to gain perspective on our tendencies toward material possessions.

Some of our parents were collectors, savers, or even hoarders. These habits may be, in part, due to the generation they grew up in or their own family of origin story. For others, however, your parents threw everything away, or were neat freaks never allowing any sort of a mess in their home.

Both extremes can be influential on children. Sometimes we unintentionally follow in their footsteps, never challenging our assumptions, merely because our parents defined normal for us.

But other times, our family of origin experience may influence us to take the opposite path—especially if we felt it was unhealthy or we were mistreated. Or maybe your experience, like mine, was somewhere in the middle.

One question I often raise with audiences when I speak is to identify how your parents’ relationship with material possessions has influenced your own.

Socioeconomic status can also greatly influence who we become.

Growing up in wealth, or even middle class, greatly shapes our understanding of normal and often influences our baseline expectations for life.

When Kim and I bought our first house, it was exciting to own something we could make our own. However, disappointment soon set in as we moved our old things from our tiny apartment into the 3-bedroom home. It didn’t feel as beautiful as it did when we saw is as a model home. In fact, it felt kinda empty to us.

All of our rooms growing up were full of furnishings, even the closets were stuffed full. Without even questioning our assumptions, we began purchasing more and more things trying to fill the house as soon as possible—never stopping to consider how our parents worked for years to get to the place they were when we came along. We just wanted it all, even expected it, right away. This was our understanding of normal.

Of course, growing up in poverty can also greatly influence one’s relationship with physical possessions.

I have a friend. Let’s call her Hannah. Hannah grew up in poverty with eight siblings in a small home. They did not have many clothes or toys and often wondered where their next meal might come from.

This experience motivated Hannah to make something of herself in the business world. She studied hard, worked hard, and stretched herself whenever possible. Today, she is very successful. Somewhere along the way, she made a vow that she would give her children as good a life as she could possibly afford.

It is understandable how she got to this point and the pressure she puts on herself to provide for her family. But Hannah reached out to me recently because she is starting to think she has gone too far to the other extreme. She is beginning to see unexpected selfishness and entitlement grow in her children.

In order to combat this, Hannah’s family has started volunteering at homeless shelters and giving generously to organizations that help those in need. She wants her children to understand the reality of poverty—the life she knows so well—and help them see better the needs around them. She is beginning to recognize her response to poverty was excess—and that may not be the best answer for her family’s happiness after all.

Our heritage is deeply ingrained in each of us. It is influencing our view of the world and material possessions. But discovering how takes time and emotional energy. Of course, Kim and I can both attest it is worth the effort.