Michael Kindt's Blog, page 493
July 28, 2011
You're are forever my favorite tumblr. I think I have messaged/asked you this a thousand times under various urls, but whatever. I love you and your blog.
Thank you! A thousand urls? Who were you before? You look like a cute blonde with glasses to me. Oh, and "Hey, baby. I'm Mike."
*removes pants*
aabsolutelynothingatall:
Growing older = Growing sadder
As a man in his late hundreds, I...
Growing older = Growing sadder
As a man in his late hundreds, I respectfully disagree.
Life fucking SUCKS when you're young. There are little things about getting older that are cool, things like thinking IT'S OK and I'M OK and IT'S REALLY OK.
When I was young, everything was a fucking crisis. Now I'm like don't call me unless someone dies.
It's good to be in a kitchen again!
Took a real, live job at a restaurant through the Sturgis Rally. The guy who fries up your mozzarella sticks while you suck down your beer? That'll be me :)
Howdy. I'm Mike. I enjoy intoxication, long, drawn out blowjobs, and pipe tobacco. I speak English, and very well.
The place is called Shipwreck Lee's and it's a bar alongside the highway, doing its part to contribute to the state's DUI income.
Everything is fried or grilled. No brainer cooking. I like it.
The guy who owns it, Shipwreck Lee himself, is a former container ship captain who moved a zillion miles away from the sea to retire and open a bed-n-breakfast-plus-bar.
Shipwreck Lee's. You'd think it would be an Asian seafood place, but it's not. It's just a little bar on the way to Mt. Rushmore. We're like 15 miles away. Across the road is Reptile Gardens, a reptilian zoo I actually robbed in my younger days and wrote about in my book. Read it here if you want.
Anyways. Good times.
In other news, just had an in-depth convo about oral sex with a girl who has a very, very pretty mouth. I showed her my tongue and my fingers.
I think we're going to get along just fine.
July 27, 2011
"The poor are to blame for the existence of rich...
"The poor are to blame for the existence of rich men." —Max Stirner
MOUNTAIN LION KILLED IN HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT APPARENTLY WALKED...
MOUNTAIN LION KILLED IN HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT APPARENTLY WALKED THERE FROM SOUTH DAKOTA
Which is pretty odd, if you think about it. According to Mapquest, that's 1803.62 miles. What did he do on his way from here to there, I wonder? Did he stop over in Chicago and take in a Cubs game? I would have. Was he the one I saw in the canyon last Fall that made me shit my pants in the Great Outdoors? Is he the one that ate all the chickens up on that ranch near Oelrichs?
Anyway, odd. And a bit hilarious—SoDak mountain lions roaming the suburbs of the East Coast, eating all the poodles and killing the flowers beds with their massive turds.
So, a brothel was just busted in this town.
A fucking brothel! How cool is that? It was right down the road, a big purple house with even purpler trim. I drove by it all the time. I'm gonna snap a photo of it and post it on Tumblr cuz I'm awesome like that.
Each day, I like this town more and more.
So I'm all wondering what the girls were like. Were they hot? Were they even girls? Were they drug-addled zombies with scrawny legs and missing teeth?
Personally, I like to imagine them as hot and totally in love with their jobs, saying things like, "I've always been a very sexual person!" You know, Playboy TV prostitutes.
But they weren't streetwalkers, that's for sure. They had a madam, a whole business going on, an actual 'client list', and I totally missed it. I even google "Brothels in my area" on a nightly—nay—hourly basis.
Nothing.
July 26, 2011
VIEWING THE SIPPY CUP AS HALF EMPTY: MORE AND MORE TODDLERS...
VIEWING THE SIPPY CUP AS HALF EMPTY: MORE AND MORE TODDLERS DEPRESSED
A number of studies and surveys over the past few years have revealed that depression is affecting pre-school children at higher rates than previously thought. Conducted by the likes of the National Institute of Mental Health, the Washington University School of Medicine, and Magellan Behavior Health, the leading mental health provider in the United States, these various and sundry investigations have revealed a very large, very young market, at present virtually untapped, for psychiatric drugs and counseling services.
This, of course, is good news for the economy. It's certainly good news for Eli Lilly & Company, makers of Prozac and Cymbalta. It's also good news for Pfizer, makers of Zoloft. When these anti-depression meds aren't busy causing suicidal thoughts and behaviors in depressed people, they're busy fighting them. An uptick in sales will mean what it always means in giant American corporations: an increase in stock value, as well as bigger bonuses and salaries for millionaire executives.
Go, capitalism!
To be sure, the legal drug lords will have to come up with a different delivery system for their junk. Sterile pills, even those painted in bold primary colors, will simply not go down with the under-5 set. Perhaps chewables are the answer—sweet, delicious, candy-like chewable anti-depressant meds shaped like beloved cartoon characters, or, even better, yummy, syrupy liquids in a variety of fruity flavors. Mmm, sure to please even the most somber of little ones!
Still, I can't help but think of the poor worried mother, made even more worried by the news that the apple of her eye and fruit of her loom could be suffering from dreaded depression. I can see her over-thinking her child's every behavior as she sits on the couch, chewing her fingernails and letting the tv tell her what to think.
The poor thing.
And think of little Jordan! (All kids are named Jordan in 2011, FYI). Now his or her senseless spinning in circles and resulting dizziness and laughter will be viewed as self-medication, the struggle of a depressed person going it alone without the help of government-endorsed drug use and/or costly therapy. It's gateway behavior as well, unfortunately. The spinning in circles will lead to playing hide-and-seek, watching cartoons, listening to music, and finally to smoking pot, that evil green weed manufactured by Hell's own pharmaceutical company. It's a slippery slope, my friends.
On the one hand, it's a very sad thing that so many young Americans are malfunctioning, but on the other it sure is good for business. The billions these mental health care providers earn are justly deserved, however. After all, they're providing us with something we've never really had before: mental health.
So I guess I'd like to thank those tireless researchers who worked their hairy little butts off discovering so many depressed toddlers. If not for them, this lucrative market may have remained hidden forever, thereby damaging the precious American economy. I want to thank them also for not only discovering, but wiping out Restless Leg Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and any other disease defined entirely by symptoms and without any scientifically verifiable physical reality. It's pretty amazing how they can unearth ailments no one knew existed a few weeks, months, or years ago and cure them, all at the same time.
GlaxoSmithKline holds a special place of honor among them, however, for giving the world a drug, Biotene, that combats the dry mouth that can be caused by taking so many absolutely necessary medications. Why, without it what would we ever do? Drink water?
Please.
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Sources: The Week, PsychCentral, ABC News, Jezebel, Xerostomia
I like her knees the best.
I like her knees the best.
mollymillions replied to your post: I don't get George Costanza.
Neat thing about male...
mollymillions replied to your post: I don't get George Costanza.
Neat thing about male baldness. Means higher testosterone levels, which means, higher sex drives. How bout that for being awesome?
So that's why my right arm is twice the size of my left? Hm.
I don't get George Costanza.
All through the entire 9-year series of Seinfeld, he whined and bitched about going/being bald. I never had a problem with it in the slightest. It didn't even change my dating at all. Well, maybe there were fewer shallow, looks-obsessed cunts, but really no change in numbers. You could say it actually improved the quality of women who were willing to bang me.
Embrace your inner baldness, guys. Buff that fucking head!
\m/
