Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 60

The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S03E08 “Lovers Walk”

In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone just spent a whole weekend off her meds because she forgot to pick them up before the pharmacy closed. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
All the monsters look like wieners.
If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
Angel is a dick.
Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
Science and technology are not to be trusted.
Mental illness is stigmatized.
Only Willow can use a computer.
Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
Oz is the Anti-Xander
Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
Smoking is evil.
Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.
How do these kids know all these outdated references, anyway?
Technology is used inconsistently as per its convenience in the script.
Sunnydale residents are no longer shocked by supernatural attacks.
Casual rape dismissal/victim blaming a-go-go
Snyder believes Buffy is a demon or other evil entity.
The Scoobies kind of help turn Jonathan into a bad guy.
This show caters to the straight female gaze like whoa.
Sunnydale General is the worst hospital in the world.
Faith is hyper-sexualized needlessly.
Slut shame!
The Watchers have no fucking clue what they’re doing.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it. WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it.

I’m excited to recap this episode. Despite the fact that it used to be one of my favorites, I haven’t watched it in years. Usually, this is because I’m watching Buffy with my daughter, who only wants to see certain episodes over and over again. I know “Hush” and “Buffy vs. Dracula” by heart because of this. So I’m wondering if this episode will be as good to me now.

The episode opens with Willow and Xander discussing their SAT scores. Willow only got 740 on the verbal, and she’s calling herself illiterate and all kinds of dramatic nonsense. Xander attempts to comfort her, but Cordelia and Oz just happen to show up, and of course it’s time for the guilty excuse making.

You know what would be funny? If Cordelia and Oz were fooling around together, too.

Anyway, they’re planning a double date when Buffy comes up, looking disappointed by her scores. But she actually did really well, and that’s a problem, too. As the Slayer, Buffy didn’t really bank on having a future, and now she’s got the test scores to get a really, really good one.

Cordelia: “Well, I think this is great. Now you can leave and never come back! Well, I mean that in a positive way. Get out of Sunnydale? That’s a good thing. What kind of moron would ever want to come back here?”

Cut to the Sunnydale sign, at night time. Spike’s giant car once again crashes into the sign, but his exit this time is a lot less, “Ooh, no, big villain,” and a lot more “drunk who made it home from the bar by the grace of God alone.”

SIDEBAR: Has anyone been watching along with me? I’m absolutely thrown today, because I think Netflix switched to the remastered HD versions of the episodes. I say that because they’re suddenly super sharp and crisp in a way that they definitely have not been during this watchalong. Did anyone else notice this?

After the opening credits, Spike is drunkenly wandering around the burned down factory, singing Frank Sinatra and crying over Drusilla, who has left him. He smashes one of her dolls in a rage.

At school, Xander is trying to convince Cordelia to go bowling with him and Oz and Willow. Xander notices that Cordelia has pictures of them together up in her locker. She agrees to go bowling, and Oz gives Willow a little Pez dispenser witch. So basically, this scene is just to hammer home how shitty Willow and Xander are to their significant others who appreciate them.

In the library, Giles has an Oregon Trail game’s worth of camping supplies, getting ready to go on the fabled Watcher retreat we’ve heard about throughout the series.

Buffy: “Giles. You pack like me.”

He, like everyone else, is super impressed with Buffy’s SAT outcome.

Buffy: “Yeah. She saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded.”

Giles: “I’ve been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes?”

Now, this is the part where Buffy expects Giles to tell her that she has to stay in Sunnydale and live her destiny or whatever. But he also sees this as an opportunity for her to get away from the Slaying for a while. After all, there’s still Faith to hold down the Hellmouth, right?

Okay, can I just say for a minute here that I’m totally bummed at the way everyone just assumes that Faith has nothing going for her aside from killing vampires? Yes, there needs to be a Slayer. That’s been made obvious at this point. But it seems unfair that everyone looks at Faith like, “Well, she isn’t going to do anything with her life.” She hasn’t been given the same support that Buffy has. She hasn’t grown up the same way Buffy has. She’s had none of Buffy’s advantages, so who’s to say Faith isn’t capable of greatness, if she’d just had the chance?

HEY! MAYBE THAT’S WHY SHE TURNS EVIL, HUH?

Buffy is shocked that Giles is on the pro-no-more-Slayer kick, but he says they’ll discuss it when he gets back from the retreat. He also asks her if she’s planning on seeing Angel, and she’s assures him that nothing is going to happen. But like, obviously Giles is not thrilled at the idea of his Slayer hanging around with the guy who brutally tortured him.

Willow tells Xander it’s a mistake to go bowling as a foursome, because the “sexy” sport might reveal the fact that Willow and Xander have been cheating on them with the smoochies. Xander tells Willow that he wishes he wasn’t attracted to her, and Willow asks if he has any suggestions for how to pull that off. So you know the witchy-witchy is going to happen.

Let me make a note here about the writer of this episode. It’s Dan Vebber, who wrote only two episodes of Buffy, this one and the stand-out “The Zeppo.” I just had a conversation the other day with another author friend and we agreed that every television show ever should have at least one episode a la “The Zeppo”, which we get to later in season three. He also writes and produces one of my favorite shows, American Dad! (and yes, it’s Seth McFarlane and yes, it’s got lots of problematic stuff, I acknowledge all of this and absolutely do not defend it or my horrible taste), and worked on one of my favorite episodes, where Stan internalizes his own hatred of fat people and Roger dresses up as Lestat to pretend to be the president of the Anne Rice fan club. He’s also written for Futurama, Daria, and The Simpsons.

That all got away from me because I was thinking of Roger in his Lestat costume.

The point I was going to bring up is that the writing here is so good because the Pez thing reminds the viewer that Willow is a witch, while imparting that information for someone who’s never seen the series, as well. And then when the witchy stuff happens, it’ll be like, “Oh, that’s why the Pez. I understand now, and this foreshadowing was a comfort to me.” This guy is a really good writer, and they should have kept him around for more than just two episodes.

Back at the Summers residence, Joyce is enthusing about this college’s design program and that college’s history program. Which all sound a lot like shit Joyce is interested in. Do you know your daughter at all? Joyce just wants Buffy to have a normal college experience.

Joyce: “You belong at a good, old-fashioned college with keg parties and boys, not here with Hellmouths and vampires.”

Buffy: “Not really seeing the distinction.”

It’s almost like Buffy’s seen season four before the rest of us have.

Joyce has been talking to Giles about Buffy’s possibilities for the future, too, but Buffy isn’t digging the fact that everyone is so enthusiastic about her leaving town for good. She still feels a responsibility to be the Slayer. So, as much as Buffy wants a normal life, maybe Slaying has become her normal, and she’s reluctant to give it up? That makes total sense to me. I’m kind of wondering why it wouldn’t make total sense to Giles, of all people, but then I remember the whole “I wanted to be a fighter pilot” thing from the heartfelt conversation in season one. Still, it has to be hard on Buffy to see her family and friends so psyched for her to be “normal”. It probably drives home the fact that everyone sees her as “not normal”.

Joyce asks Buffy if there’s really anything keeping her in Sunnydale, so we immediately cut to Angel. He’s reading Sartre, which is hilarious to me, because of course he’s going to be reading something angsty and existential, right? Does this guy do anything other than brood? Spike is outside, still drunk, shouting at Angel through some a boarded up window. Somehow, Angel doesn’t notice this, and he doesn’t notice when Spike passes out in the tai chi garden area. Spike wakes up on fire, screams a lot (and apparently Angel doesn’t hear that, either), and retreats to his car with blacked out windows.

At a magic store, Spike asks the sales person for curses of leprosy. She’s explaining to him that they don’t exactly have leprosy lying around, when Willow walks in. She asks for a list of ingredients, and the sales lady assumes she’s looking for a love spell. As Willow clears up the misunderstanding and the woman explains which ingredients would work better, Spike lurks in the back and listens. Willow gets everything she needs for like, sixteen dollars, which is perhaps–even in a show about vampires and Hellmouths–the most outlandish fictional thing that happens in the entire series.

Anyone who’s ever been to a new age store will probably back me up on that.

The shop lady goes back to help Spike, but he’s got a better plan now, and he eats the lady.

At City Hall, The Mayor is practicing his putting and joking about selling his assistant’s soul for a better short game. The nervous aide tells The Mayor that Spike is in town, tearing shit up. The Mayor tells the guy to go ahead and deal with their Spike problem, then manages to sink his next putt. So I guess the assistant gets to keep his soul, then.

I love The Mayor, by the way. He’s so cheerful, even when he’s kidding with terrified staffers about selling their souls. He might actually be the best Big Bad.

At the mansion, Angel is making a fire in the fireplace while Buffy looks over college stuff. I’m not trying to tell you how to live your afterlife, Angel, but maybe you need to let the not-as-combustable actual human being sitting right there tend to your fire needs. Also, not to tell either of you how to live your love lives, but let’s have a romantic fire just as friends, shall we?

Buffy basically tries to get Angel to beg her not to go off to college and leave. I don’t think it’s purely a “oh, Angel, please tell me you love me and that we will be together forever” kind of thing. I think she just wants to hear one person say they want her to stay around. Which honestly, considering how this season has gone so far? I mean, Buffy came home from running away and everyone was basically like, “This is all about me and also everything was fine when you were gone!” and then Faith shows up and everyone is like, “Ooh, shiny new Slayer!” Now people are like, “Leave and never come back, Buffy!”, so no wonder she’s feeling a little shitty about this.

So when Angel pulls the “Yeah, I think you should leave,” business, she does. She just grabs her stuff and is like, “Bye, mom’s waiting.” Good for you, Buffy.

Willow has Xander meet her at the Sunnydale High chem lab, under the pretense that she’s going to help him with the class. She starts working the de-lusting spell without telling Xander that’s what she’s doing–a.k.a., she acts like Willow doing magic at any point in this show. I don’t know if this was intentional foreshadowing of how reckless her magic gets and how she never asks for anyone’s consent before working magic for/on them, but if it was, then brafuckingvo, Joss Whedon. I’m just going to throw this under #21 anyway, because intentional or not, it’s an integral part of Willow’s character that continues to develop throughout the show.

Xander is justifiably pissed at Willow’s attempt to dupe him into the spell. He reminds her that love magic has a history of being very, very bad for him. They argue, and Xander calls a halt to the entire spell casting plan, just in time for Spike to show up. Xander and Willow try to fight Spike, but it doesn’t go so well, ending with Xander unconscious and both of them kidnapped to the burned out factory. Spike has a whole bunch of stuff for Willow to do a love spell to help him get Drusilla back. He’s distraught over Drusilla leaving him, and he’s desperate to the point of threatening to murder Willow if the spell doesn’t work.

Spike: “She wouldn’t even kill me. She just left. She didn’t even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?”

Spike is going through something. Majorly. And he goes through it right up until season five, when Dru comes back and they get together again for like, an episode. And why is this such a horrible, painful thing for Spike?

Because #19. We saw that Spike was willing to make a truce with Buffy to save Drusilla. We saw the way he doted on her and how it bothered him when Angelus used her affection to toy with Spike. And during all of that last season (I’m only just realizing that I didn’t comment on that until now), he didn’t blame Drusilla for his jealousy. He blamed Angelus for going after Dru. So, Spike really does love her. So, whether or not a vampire has a soul doesn’t seem to have any effect on whether or not they can still feel human emotions.

So, Spike ends up pouring his heart out to Willow, who’s a literal shoulder for Spike to lean on. But that shoulder is made of delicious Willow meat, so eventually his thoughts turn to eating. And raping. Spike says he hasn’t “had a woman” in a long time, and the implication is that he’s not just going to eat her, he’s going to rape her. Which is a definite #27, and especially troubling since this is a fan-favorite character, and it’s not the only time he intends to rape one of the main female cast members.

Willow tells him that she’ll do the spell, just as long as he doesn’t kill her or rape her, and he agrees, but warns that if the spell doesn’t work, he’ll kill Xander, instead. There are missing ingredients and a spell book she needs, and Spike doesn’t have them. She tells him that she left them somewhere, then we cut to the library.

In the library, Buffy is jumping rope without a bra on. I know, I know. But I’m weak. I’ll totally scourge myself later. Oz and Cordelia run in, and Cordelia has the most beautiful hair anyone has ever had, ever:

Do you see what I mean about the resolution, or is it not clear from screenshots? Alternately, my habit of sniffing Sharpies has done something to me. Someone tell me whether or not I’m right and they did switch to the high-def remaster, or if I need to stop getting kicked out of art stores.

Anyway, they take Buffy to the chem lab, where they find the spell stuff and no Willow or Xander. Apparently, they were all supposed to meet for the bowling date in the lab. What kind of school is Sunnydale, that everything and all the classrooms are wide open all the time? I guess it’s the same kind of place where a student can hang out in the library after hours jumping rope, no questions asked.

Buffy sends Oz and Cordelia off to find Giles. Hey, hang on a second. Oz says that the site of the retreat is forty minutes away. Either the Watchers are really into camping on the Hellmouth, or they came all the way to the greater Sunnydale area for their retreat specifically because that’s where he is. Or maybe it’s because that’s where the Slayers are. But now that I think of it, it’s a little weird that they came all this way and never met the Slayers. They’re forty minutes away, for cripe’s sakes! The Watchers are ridiculously inconsistent and nonsensical. You know what? They need a number. #34: The Watchers have no fucking clue what they’re doing.

The phone in the library rings, and Buffy answers, hoping it’s Giles. Instead, it’s her mom, calling to see if Buffy will commit to a discussion about college. Before Buffy can tell her that it’s really not the time, she hears Spike’s voice in the background.

Joyce is fine. In fact, she’s in my favorite Joyce scene at the moment, making hot cocoa for a tearful Spike and counseling him through his breakup. That’s when Angel arrives at the back door. He can’t come in, because of the spell Willow did to rescind his invitation, so while Joyce orders him to leave, Spike gets to do this:

Joyce: “Get out of here!”

Spike: “Yeah. You’re not invited!”

Joyce: “He’s crazy, he’ll kill us!”

Spike: “Not while I breathe. Well, actually, I don’t breathe…”

Angel: “Joyce, listen to me!”

Joyce: “You get out of this house or I will stake you myself.”

Spike: “You’re a very bad man!”

Buffy manages to sneak up on Spike and slam him onto the counter. Joyce is like, whaaaaaaat because she doesn’t understand stuff:

Buffy: “You took Willow?”

Spike: “You do me now and you’ll never find the little witch.”

Joyce: “Willow’s a witch?”

Buffy: “And Xander?”

Spike: “Him, too.”

Joyce: “Wait, Xander’s a witch? I–”

You’re out of your element, Donny!

Spike tells Buffy and Angel they can follow him and he’ll lead them to Willow and Xander, but if they interfere, they’ll never find them. So they go along after Spike. He also calls Angel a “poof” at this time, which I’m flagging #23, because “Angel is gay” is Spike’s go-to insult in this series, and in Angel.

While Oz drives the van to the Watcher retreat, Cordelia imagines that Columbian drug lords have kidnapped Xander and Willow, when Oz stops. He smells Willow, somehow over the stench of gasoline that his Ford Econoline undoubtedly gives off, and they switch directions.

Buffy, Angel, and Spike are walking through town when Spike suddenly gets a headache:

Spike: “My head. I think I’m sobering up. It’s horrible. Oh, god, I wish I was dead.”

Buffy: “Well, if you close your eyes and wish real hard–”

Spike: “Hey, back off!”

Angel: “Buffy, we still need him to find the others.”

Buffy: “Need him? He’s probably just got ‘em locked up in the factory.”

Spike somehow plays this off, even though he’s super unconvincing. Buffy can’t take the chance with her friends, so they keep following Spike, who regales them with a tale of killing a screaming homeless man with Dru. They get to the magic-shop-turned-crime-scene, where Spike lashes out at Angel and Buffy for destroying his relationship with Drusilla, and Buffy calls him pathetic.

Spike: “The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you’re back making googly eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.”

Buffy: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Spike: “Oh yeah. You’re just friends.”

Angel: “That’s right.”

Spike: “You’re not friends. You’ll never be friends. You’ll be in love ’til it kills you both. You’ll fight and you’ll shag and you’ll hate each other ’til it makes you quiver, but you’ll never be friends. Love isn’t brains, children. It’s blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.”

Ouch. Harsh truth from Spike. Also, more evidence for #19, because of everyone in the room, he’s the only one who doesn’t have a soul and the only one who’s truly in touch with his feelings.

Back at the factory, Willow is trying to break down the door when Xander wakes from his head injury. She fills him in on the fact that no matter what happens, they’re going to die, and they end up all cozy and kissing.

Which is exactly when Oz and Cordelia show up to rescue them.

Oh my gosh, look how sad Cordelia looks. How dare you, Willow and Xander! HOW VERY DARE YOU HURT MY PRINCESS LIKE THIS!

Everybody in the situation is horrified, but perhaps no one as much as Cordelia, who turns and runs, only to crash through the staircase. Xander rushes to help her, but things are like…bad.

Impalement bad.

Fun trivia: Charisma Carpenter, who plays Cordelia, has actually been impaled before. She’s also been through some other horrific shit, but the impalement is what applies here.

Spike, Buffy, and Angel are lugging supplies back to the factory when they’re surrounded by a bunch of vampires. They used to work for Spike, but now they want to kill him for reasons unspecified. Possibly just because he acted like Spike acts a time too many. Realizing that if Spike is killed in the fight, they can’t find Willow and Xander, Buffy and Angel fight with them before running into The Magic Box.

“But Jenny,” you might say, “that store is way smaller than The Magic Box, and there isn’t a step down and the cash register is on the wrong side!” But oh ho, dear reader, it is The Magic Box, as it is shown in the same location in Sunnydale. I meant to illustrate this with a crystal clear screenshot, but my internet connection is the pits at the moment and and it now looks like not watching in super high definition, but on a VHS that got left in a car on a hot day. So fuck it. Just trust me, the magic shop is The Magic Box. At some point they must have remodeled.

While the fighting is going on, back at the factory, Oz has gone for help and Xander is trying to help Cordelia, who is lying motionless, still impaled on a pipe.

In the magic shop, One of the vampire accuses Spike of having gone soft. It’s almost like he’s been watching the entire episode with us. This sets Spike off and he’s suddenly all fight. They send the vampires screaming away with holy water bombs, which looks incredibly silly. But the important part is, Spike is back to his old self:

Spike: “Oh, sod the spell. Your friends are at the factory. I’m really glad I came here, you know? I’ve been all wrong-headed about this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back? I just gotta be the man I was. The man she loved. I’m gonna do what I should’ve done in the first place. I’ll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her, ’til she likes me again. Love’s a funny thing.”

Clearly the concept of vampire love is a lot different than human love. Or maybe not. So…that’s scary.

At the factory, Xander begs Cordelia to hold on, but she’s fading. Her head tilts to the side, she gives a last, weak breath, her eyes close, and she falls limp. The music swells sadly, and we cut to:

followed by:

Buffy: “So, Cordelia’s gonna be okay?”

Willow: “She lost a lot of blood. None of her vitals were punctured.”

Cordelia is fine! The funeral is unrelated! We’ve all been had!

I remember the first time I watched this. I was so upset, like, HOW COULD YOU KILL CORDELIA I WILL NEVER WATCH THIS EVER AGAIN! Then I was like, “Damn it.”

It’s such a freaking good “gotcha”, any writer, for any medium, has to hate it on principle because they didn’t think it up.

Willow tells Buffy that she’s never felt so bad in her life. She didn’t know what she wanted, but now she wants Oz back. I partially feel for her, but partially feel like, good, Willow. Let this be a lesson to you.

At the hospital, Xander arrives with flowers for Cordelia. He tries to apologize to her, but she tells him to stay away from her. He leaves, and Cordy cries alone in her hospital bed.

Buffy goes to see Angel at the mansion, and things are awkward. She tells Angel that she’s not coming back:

Buffy: “We’re not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles. And I can fool my friends. But I can’t fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason. What I want from you, I can never have.”

Okay, but…you never really fooled Giles or your friends. You can apparently fool yourself about fooling them, but they’ve been saying this since the moment they knew Angel was back.

Angel tells Buffy that he can’t accept them being apart, and she tells him he has to.

Angel: “Look, there’s gotta be some way we can still see each other.”

Buffy: “There is. Tell me that you don’t love me.”

When he can’t, Buffy leaves, and Angel sits down to be gloomy. Which is his hobby.

I guess I would feel more busted about Angel and Buffy breaking up if their will-they-won’t-they dance didn’t end up dragging this whole season down.

The episode ends with a montage of everyone being sad and alone, until we cut to Spike driving away from Sunnydale singing the Gary-Oldman-as-Sid-Vicious version of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way.”

I like this episode. It brings Spike back during the Great Spike Drought Of Season Three, though I do feel like, “I got in a fight and now I’m all better” is kind of a lazy way to send him off again. I know that it’s an action show, so there has to be at least one fight scene, but I think it would have been more convincing if he just spent the whole night with Angel and Buffy and decided that no, he’s not anywhere near as pathetic as they are. Being empowered by the deus ex machina arrival of some vampires who want to kill him with no clearly drawn motive is disappointing.

Also disappointing? Buffy’s potential leaving of Sunnydale is never again addressed in the episode. What’s set up to be a pretty serious problem for her gets pushed aside when the angst of the other characters and her love story arc pushes it to the background. It’s not even touched on briefly after the kidnapping/love spell plot begins.

Perhaps the thing I love about this episode most of all is the absence of Giles. Because you see, Giles has been on his camping trip. And he has allllllllllll of this drama to come home to. Hope you’re well rested, Giles!

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How To Build An Epic Cake (A Recipe From A Seven-Year-Old)

Yesterday, as we grocery shopped, my seven-year-old stopped, put her hands out and said, “I just had a vision.”

The vision was a cake. “The best cake anyone has ever made.” A cake for the ages. And today, we’re going to share her recipe with you.

You’ll need:

Red Velvet cake mix (and the eggs and oil to make the cake
Two cans of chocolate fudge frosting
Birthday Cake Oreos
Mint Oreos
That weird Betty Crocker frosting in the aerosol can, in blue
Read-made chocolate chip cookie dough
Sprinkles (here, she has gone patriotic with red, white, and blue)
2 round cake pans

You don’t need the whipped topping. During the creative process, I convinced her that it was a bad idea, as the cake would have to be refrigerated, and our refrigerator looks like the place where leftovers go to die right now.

Preheat your oven according to the directions on the cake mix you’re using and prepare you pans. We greased and floured the pans as per usual, but I also put down a layer of parchment paper, because I had no idea how her “vision” would play out. Then pat down a layer of cookie dough to cover the bottom of the pan.

Add a single-layer of Birthday Cake Oreos on top of the cookie dough.

 

Once that step is completed, prepare your cake mix according to the directions on the box. Pour half of the mix into the cookie dough pan. In your second pan, pour in a thin layer of cake mix, then put a layer of the Mint Oreos on top of the cake batter. Pour the remaining batter into the pan.

 

Bake the cakes according to the directions on the box. You might need to give it a little more time, just keep checking on it. This was totally an experiment, so we had no idea how long it would have to go in. I think we did thirty minutes. Your mileage may vary.

Once the cakes are out of the oven, give them a while to cool down. When they’re cool, cover the bottom cake (the one with the cookie dough bottom) with frosting. You’re basically using the frosting to glue the top and bottom cakes together, so you could just do the cop, but I went ahead and slapped a crumb coat on the bottom while I was there. Place the other cake on top of the bottom one:

Then, slap a crumb coat on the top, and frost the whole thing.

After frosting, garnish the top with the remaining Oreos and anchor them with the blue icing:

 

She chose to alternate the Mint and Birthday Cake Oreos. You may also add the decorative border around the bottom, if you like.

And of course, you cannot forget the sprinkles:

So, there you have it. My daughter’s “vision.” How did it turn out, eating wise? Well…let’s just say it’s a complex flavor experience. And you can only eat a couple of bites, or the sugar will overwhelm you. But she’s proud of it, and I am, too. Because if you have a creative vision, whether it’s a book or a film or a painting or a cake, you can see it through and achieve your dreams. You just have to believe in yourself.

True Blood Tuesday S01E11 “To Love Is To Bury”

This week, enjoy the sound of me coloring. I didn’t realize it would be so obvious. Download here and start where the HBO logo and sound fade out.

Jenny Reads Fifty Shades Of Midnight Sun: Wednesday, May 25, 2011, or “CW: Rape threats. All of them. Forever.”

Usually I put stuff here, but this is a very, very long recap and my shoulder hurts from typing and I’m losing my passion for cuteness and fun where this series is concerned. Let’s just do it.

Christian has ordered a glass of Sancerre. Sancerre is, if you’ll remember from previous chapters, the only thing he drinks. Okay, this is something I think is actually kind of cool. In the original trilogy, Ana would just constantly say, “he ordered me a white wine” or something. In this book, it’s always Sancerre. So it’s like, a little detail that’s consistent, but from different viewpoints.

It is the only thing consistent about this book.

Christian is waiting at the bar for Ana for their non-date date to discuss the contract. He’s nervous and had to do extra running to calm his nerves. He also mentally logs everything he’s done during the day. And it’s all over the place:

This feels like a first date, and in a way it is. I’ve never taken a prospect out to dinner. I’ve sat through interminable meetings today, bought a business, and fired three people. Nothing I’ve done today, including running–twice–and a quick circuit in the gym, has dispelled the anxiety I’ve wrestled with all day.

Why is his work day even mentioned here? For one, it comes off very oh-shit-I-need-businessy-words-so-he-sounds-important. If he just bought a company, why wasn’t he consumed with work for the past week? Christian doesn’t come off as a hard worker capable of clawing his way to the top from the very dregs of adversity when he’s hardly ever at work. Yes, it’s normal for a CEO to delegate things to other workers, but they also want to sort of keep tabs on important shit like buying a whole company.

That line is also in a very weird place because it makes it seem like firing three people is something that should have calmed his anxiety. It reads like, “Man, I’ve tried everything to get over this anxiety. I went running, I exercised, I fired three people. Nothing is working.” Of course, knowing Chedward, firing people might be a stress reliever or something.

“But Jenny,” you say, “isn’t he listing things that caused the anxiety?” Oh ho. Let’s not be naive here. The anxiety is caused by Ana:

That power is in the hands of Anastasia Steele. I want her submission.

When Ana walks in, Chedward describes her in the most flowery prose possible:

She looks exquisite: her hair falls in soft waves to her breast on one side, and on the other it’s pinned back so it’s easier to see her delicate jawline and the gentle curve of her slender neck. She’s wearing high heels and a tight dark purple dress that accentuates her lithe, alluring figure.

Now, I’m not saying that no twenty-seven-year-old male has ever used the words “exquisite” or “alluring”. But every adult man who’s attracted to women that I know of? Would just be like, “Wow, she’s hot.”

To be fair, he does think, “Wow.” But that “Wow” only makes “lithe, alluring figure” seem all the more clunky and overdone.

“You look stunning,” I whisper, and kiss her cheek. Closing my eyes, I savor her scent; she smells heavenly.

He asks her what she wants to drink:

“I’ll have what you’re having, please.”

Ah, she’s learning.

Presented without comment. Underlines = italics.

“They have an excellent wine cellar here,” I add, and take a moment to look at her.

Like, he’s described her hairstyle and clothing down to every last “lithe, alluring” detail, but now he’s gonna look at her.

She’s wearing a little makeup. Not too much. And I remember when she first fell into my office how ordinary I thought she looked. She is anything but ordinary. With a little makeup and the right clothes, she’s a goddess.

“I thought you were ugly until you put on enough makeup” is such a beautiful sentiment. Why doesn’t it show up on more Valentines?

They begin their negotiations with boring flirting, and then:

She purses her lips to stifle her smile. “You know this contract is legally unenforceable.”

“I am fully aware of that, Miss Steele.”

“Were you going to tell me that at any point?”

What? I didn’t think I’d have to…and you’ve worked it out for yourself. “You think I’d coerce you into something you don’t want to do, and then pretend I have legal hold over you?”

“Well, yes.”

Whoa. “You don’t think very highly of me, do you?”

“You haven’t answered my question.”

“Anastasia, it doesn’t matter if it’s legal or not. It represents an arrangement that I would like to make with you–what I would like from you and what you can expect from me. If you don’t like it, then don’t sign. If you do sign and then decide you don’t like it, there are enough get-out clauses so you can walk away. Even if it were legally binding, do you think I’d drag you through the courts if you did decide to run?

What does she take me for?

She considers me with her unfathomable blue eyes.

Before we dive into this, I want to show you the same exact scene, from the original:

“You know this contract is legally unenforceable.”

“I am fully aware of that, Miss Steele.”

“Were you going to tell me that at any point?”

He frowns. “You’d think I’d coerce you into something you don’t want to do, and then pretend that I have a legal hold over you?”

“Well…yes.”

“You don’t think very highly of me, do you?”

“You haven’t answered my question.”

“Anastasia, it doesn’t matter if it’s legal or not. It represents an arrangement that I would like to make with you–what I would like from you and what you can expect of me. If you don’t like it, then don’t sign. If you do sign and then decide you don’t like it, there are enough get-out clauses so you can walk away. Even if it were legally binding, do you think I’d drag you through the courts if you did decide to run?”

I take a long sip of my wine. My subconscious taps me hard on the shoulder. You must keep your wits about you. Don’t drink too much.

First of all, do you notice how little agency Ana has in her own thoughts? Christian is allowed a reaction to the things that are going on. All Ana is allowed to do is make sure she doesn’t get drunk, because she has to be on her guard. Ana has no reaction, either internal or external, to any of this. I just thought that was very telling, in terms of how the reader is meant to view the characters.

Anyway, let’s talk about Chedward’s reactions and why, exactly, he shouldn’t be a Dom. His assumption is that his inexperienced potential sub would just know that this contract wasn’t legally enforceable. He was perfectly happy withholding that information and letting her “work it out” for herself. In other words, he can’t be bothered to give her even the most basic information that she needs to enter into this relationship under clear pretenses.

Chedward is a bafflingly successful billionaire. He knows how contracts work, and he knows how people expect them to work. And he continues to insinuate that the contract is binding on some level, by suggesting that “get-out” clauses are needed for her to be allowed to walk away from him.

Now, he wants all of this, but he doesn’t want Ana to have a low (read: accurate) opinion of him. All we know from Ana’s POV that she doesn’t trust him; she won’t get drunk around him, and what we know from Chedward’s POV is that she shouldn’t trust him, because he wants to manipulate her by withholding important information.

Both books are trash, but I’m having a hard time figuring out which one should go in the fire first.

What I need her to understand is that this contract isn’t about the law, it’s about trust.

I want you to trust me, Ana.

I want you to trust me, even though I’m actively working to deceive you via omission.

Also, remember how Ana doesn’t want to be called Anastasia or Miss Steele? Christian clearly thinks of her as Ana in his own head. So, yeah. It’s a fucked up control thing. He’s perfectly capable of thinking of her as Ana, but he refuses to say it.

“Relationships like this are built on honesty and trust. If you don’t trust me–trust me to know how I’m affecting you, how far I can go with you, how far I can take you–if you can’t be honest with me, then we really can’t do this.”

She rubs her chin as she considers what I’ve said.

“So it’s quite simple, Anastasia. Do you trust me or not?”

Ana has literally just called him out for indirectly lying to her about the contract. He’s given her absolutely no reason to trust him yet. He doesn’t mention anything about having to trust her, either, beyond, “if you can’t be honest with me.” Which still puts the onus for all the trust in the relationship onto Ana. Christian doesn’t have to surrender and put his faith in Ana, she has to be honest with him. And he doesn’t have to be honest with her, she just needs to trust him and figure out the rest on her own.

“Did you have similar discussions with, um…the fifteen?”

“No.” Why is she going off on this tangent?

“Why not?” she asks.

“Because they were all established submissives. They knew what they wanted out of a relationship with me and generally what I expected. With them, it was just a question of fine-tuning the soft limits, details like that.”

Stop. No. Gameshow buzzer noise. You didn’t negotiate things with the other submissives because they were experienced? All this tells me is that you think you have to lock Ana into a contract because she doesn’t know exactly what she wants or what to expect from you, so you have to secure her permission to do whatever you feel like before she knows any better. Christian’s constant emphasis on how differently he treats Ana in comparison to his other subs is meant to make the reader believe that he finds Ana special (not like other girls™) and therefore their relationship is more serious (twu luv™). Instead, it just reads like he knew he couldn’t take advantage of those other women, but he recognizes the opportunity to take advantage of Ana. He wants to use all this paperwork to intimidate Ana into acquiescing to his demands.

I mean, that’s the way it comes off to someone who recognizes that this is a textbook case of emotional abuse and manipulation. Everyone else, I don’t know what the fuck they see beyond “the other fifteen were whores and this blank avatar for my fantasies (Ana) is the only pure, clean woman that deserves Christian Grey.”

“Is there a store you go to? Submissives ‘R’ Us?” She arches an eyebrow and I laugh out loud. And like a magician’s rabbit the tension in my body disappears. “Not exactly.” My tone is wry.

First of all, magicians make the rabbits appear. They pull them out of their hats, not cram them in. Second, there is no reason his dialogue needs to share a paragraph with hers. There are very rare instances where two characters’ dialogue has to fit into the same paragraph, but this is not one of those. “‘Not exactly.’ My tone is wry.” could have easily been its own line.

“Are you hungry?” I ask.

She looks suspiciously at the olives. “No.”

In Ana’s POV, she’s thinking, literally, “Oh no…food.” Some readers have pointed out that she develops an eating disorder as a way to buck Chedward’s control. But here, she’s looking at the olives “suspiciously”, and all I can think is, if you haven’t read the first book it seems like she doesn’t trust him not to have drugged the food.

When Christian finds out she hasn’t eaten, of course he reacts sensibly. By threatening to rape her:

“You have to eat, Anastasia. We can eat down here or in my suite. Which would you prefer?”

She’ll never go for this.

“I think we should stay in public, on neutral ground.”

As predicted–sensible, Miss Steele.

“Do you think that would stop me?” My voice is husky.

She swallows. “I hope so.”

Put the girl out of her misery, Grey.

“Come, I have a private dining room booked. No public.” Rising, I hold out my hand to her.

Will she take it?

She looks from my face to my hand.

“Bring your wine,” I order.

It doesn’t matter if they’re in public or private. If he wants to have her, he’s going to. Nothing is going to stop him. And he ignores her request to stay in public. When she’s hesitant to go with him, he just flat out orders her to. How on earth does he expect her to trust him when the moment she shows even the slightest, most reasonable caution–especially after he’s made it clear he’s cool with raping her in a public place–he rejects her suggestion for a safer venue and forces her to go with him to a secluded place. Yeah, that seems super trustworthy, Chedward.

Honestly, I’m still at a loss as to how anyone viewed this as romantic or sexy. How fucked up is our idea of women’s sexuality that this is considered desirable behavior from a man? All I can think is that it’s expected behavior that we’ve resigned ourselves to enduring, so we have to find a way to spin it into something we’re cool with.

As we leave the bar, I notice admiring glances from other guests, and in the case of one handsome, athletic guy, overt appreciation of my date. It’s not something I’ve dealt with before…and I don’t think I like it.

Again, Ana is special, because Christian didn’t care about any of the fifteen other women he’s been in relationships with. This assumes that the only way a reader can tell if a hero truly loves the heroine is by eliminating the competition of the past. If he felt jealous or cared at all about any of the other subs, that makes what he has with Ana less authentic.

Upstairs on the mezzanine, the liveried young host dispatched by the maître d’ leads us to the room I’ve booked. He only has eyes for Miss Steele, and I give him a withering look that sends him in retreat from the opulent dining room.

In Ana’s POV, the dining room is described in detail, so here’s another case where James assumes that anyone picking up this book has already read at least the first book of the other series and decides not to do the work. We also find yet another lazy and destructive case of confusing jealousy for affection.

In Fifty Shades of Grey, this scene starts out with one of those interminable “don’t bite your lip” scenes. It’s cut here, and not even alluded to. Chedward asks Ana what she wants to talk about.

“The nitty-gritty,” she says, focused on the task at hand, but then she takes a large gulp of wine and her cheeks color. She must be looking for courage. I’ll have to watch how much she’s drinking, because she’s driving.

She could always spend the night here…then I could peel her out of that enticing dress.

I can’t remember, does Chedward ever find out that it’s Kate’s dress? How could he possibly stand to touch Ana in it, after the infuriating Miss Kavanaugh has worn it?

Please note that Chedward isn’t worried about Ana getting too drunk to consent to anything. Just that she’s going to be driving. In fact, his ideal scenario seems to be getting her so drunk that she has to stay with him. Which is, you know. Also too drunk to consent.

He goes over the clauses Ana has pointed out in her emails.

“My sexual health? Well, all of my previous partners have had blood tests, and I have regular tests every six months for all the health risks you mention. All my recent tests are clear. I have never taken drugs. In fact, I’m vehemently antidrug. I have a strict no-tolerance policy with regards to drugs for all of my employees, and I insist on random drug testing.”

In fact, one of the people I fired today failed his drug test.

“I’m vehemently anti-drug…now drink some more wine.” I absolutely hate, loathe, and despise to the core of my being people who are sanctimonious assholes about people who take drugs, insist that they aren’t that kind of person, and then chug down a bottle of whatever’s handy at the slightest opportunity. Those “It’s wine-o’-clock!” moms on Facebook who turn around and go, “Well, I don’t give homeless people money. They just buy drugs with it.”? They should all be executed by firing squad. Alcohol is a drug. It’s just a socially acceptable drug. You cannot be “anti-drug” and blithely encourage the use of a drug. It’s like a meth head saying they’re anti-drug because they’ve never smoked crack. IT ISN’T A REAL THING.

“Your next point I mentioned earlier. You can walk away anytime, Anastasia. I won’t stop you. If you go, however–that’s it. Just so you know.”

No. Second. Chances. Ever.

This is yet another place where the contract doesn’t make sense, because she does walk away. And he won’t let her go. He continues to pursue her until she comes back. In other words, he thinks he, a billionaire with a security team that makes him basically untouchable, needs a non-legally binding contract with a woman to keep her from trying to win him back, but that contractual obligation doesn’t go both ways.

The waiter comes with raw oysters, and Chedward instructs Ana on how to eat them.

“So, I don’t chew it?”

“No, Anastasia, you don’t.” And I try not to think about her teeth toying with my favorite part of my anatomy.

I, too, struggle to not fantasize about someone chewing away on your knob.

She asks me if I’ve chosen oysters deliberately, knowing their reputed aphrodisiac qualities. I surprise her when I tell her they were simply at the top of the menu. “I don’t need an aphrodisiac near you.”

Yeah, I could fuck you right now.

With or without her consent, as he’s already told us at this point. Also…maybe she was wondering if you ordered them to get her in the mood. Funny, the things you can think of when you realize that there’s a universe full of people who aren’t Cheward Grullen.

Ana tells Christian her objection to the “obey me in all things” clause:

“But I’m worried you’ll hurt me.”

“Hurt you how?”

“Physically.”

“Do you really think I would ever do that? Go beyond any limit you can’t take?”

“Do you really think” is such a manipulative phrase. “Do you really think?” Yes, I really think. If I didn’t think, I wouldn’t have said. That’s how it works. “Do you really think” is Christian asking Ana to question whether or not she believes what she’s saying/thinking, as though she can’t trust her own thoughts/words.

Chedward’s second job.

He tells her about the sub he accidentally hurt in a suspension accident–one of the ropes was tied too tightly–and she doesn’t react well:

Appalled, she holds up her hand in a plea for me to stop.

Too much information.

Then this should be a sign that she’s not ready to enter into this “contract” at all. If the idea of a rope being too tight squicks her out, this is not a great sign for your bondage hopes. Rope injuries are probably the most common BDSM injury. I don’t have a study to cite on that, but given every kinkster I know has a story about “this one time when I got rope burn”, bondage/suspension seems high in the running for “most likely to injure”. Ana could sustain damage from bondage even without suspension. And these things can happen even to experienced Doms/subs. Shit happens. If the idea of that risk is totally unacceptable to Ana, she should not be engaging in bondage, for her own comfort and safety.

And what kind of injury are we talking about here, Chedward? The most common injury I can think of off the top of my head that you could get from a tight rope in a stressful suspension scenario is either circulatory or nerve damage. Given that these former subs were always so super experienced and totally didn’t need any education and he could just do whatever he wanted without any discussion, I assume they would know that, hey, my body part is cold/numb/tingling/in searing pain would be a bad sign and they would stop things. Chedward, you’re doing the tying up. It’s your job to communicate with your sub about whether or not the ropes are too tight, and to correct that before they sustain a serious injury.

So basically we have a potential sub freaked out by the very thought of an extremely common accident, and a potential Dom trying to power past that resistance by just dropping the subject altogether. I don’t know. Maybe he thinks she’ll figure it out on her own, just like the legality of the contract. The lengths to which this book will go to trying to make Chedward look like The Maestro of Kink, only to trip over its own goddamn feet like Anastasia Steele walking through an unimpeded doorway, is astonishing.

Ana makes suspension a hard limit (though I’m pretty sure they do a suspension scene later in the series anyway), and he asks her if she’ll obey him.

She stares at me with those eyes that see through to my dark soul, and I don’t know what she’s going to say.

Shit. This could be the end.

We should be so lucky.

She tells him she can obey, and he wants her to give up her one month, one weekend off per month clause, as well:

“One month instead of three is no time at all, especially if you want a weekend away from me each month.” We’ll get nowhere in that time. She needs training and I can’t stay away from her for any length of time. I tell her as much. Maybe we can compromise, as she suggested. “How about one day over one weekend per month you get to yourself–but I get a midweek night that week?”

This is like a fucking custody battle right here.

Look, Ana is saying that she’s fine with trying things out for a month, but not for three months. THAT IS THE COMPROMISE. And saying she wants one weekend a month for herself? That’s reasonable. Asking her to come to you in the middle of the week–when she’ll probably be working–is just ridiculous. She’s trying to get time away from you. Time that will be hers, not spent with you. She’s not trying to reschedule. She’s trying to unschedule.

Obviously, we all know that this doesn’t happen, and Ana ends up spending literally every waking moment of her life with Christian or surrounded by his “security” team, but we’re here now, so I’m going to bitch about it.

“And please, let’s try it for three months. If it’s not for you, then you can walk away anytime.”

She could walk away anytime during one month, too. All the three months gives him is the ability to say, “But you said you’d try for three months. At the end of that, you can just walk away. But you said you’d try for three months and now you’re breaking your word.”

Then we move on to what is possibly the biggest Dom red-flag so far:

“The ownership thing, that’s just terminology and goes back to the principle of obeying. It’s to get you into the right frame of mind, to understand where I’m coming from. And I want you to know that as soon as you cross my threshold as my submissive, I will do what I like to you. You have to accept that, and willingly. That’s why you have to trust me. I will fuck you, anytime, any way I want–anywhere I want. I will discipline you, because you will screw up. I will train you to please me.

“But I know you’ve not done this before. Initially, we’ll take it slowly, and I will help you. We’ll build up to various scenarios. I want you to trust me, but I know I have to earn your trust, and I will. The ‘or otherwise’–again, it’s to help you get into the mind-set; it means anything goes.”

Christian Grey does not understand, on any level, what makes submission attractive for the submissive. That ownership isn’t just terminology. It’s something the submissive wants. To be owned. To be dominated. Yes, it’s a mind-set, but it’s one that the Dom is supposed to help the sub achieve. It’s not, “You need to understand that I own you because then you’ll remember to do everything I say.” This is a sexual relationship. It’s a two-way street. A sub does everything a Dom says because they want to be owned. A Dom wants the sub to want their control and ownership. Christian Grey just wants Ana to obey him and give him whatever he asks, and this whole “I want to treat you all these ways, and you have to tell me right now that you’ll do whatever I say” routine is proof that he really doesn’t care if his sub will get anything out of it. He doesn’t want a sub, he wants a toy.

“Would you like some more wine?” I ask her.

“I have to drive.”

Good answer.

Arrrrgh, all of these abusive little bullshit tactics. Let me ask you a trick question! You answered correctly! You are winning in the mind game you don’t even know you’re playing! People like Chedward are the fucking Hunger Games of manipulation.

Christian rattles off some stupid shit about pleasure and pain that was probably copied from another fanfic that started out with a summary that included the words “welcome to my twisted mind”,  ending with:

“Again, it comes down to trust. Do you trust me, Ana?”

“Yes, I do,” she says immediately. Her response knocks me sideways: it’s completely unexpected.

Again.

Have I gained her trust already?

“Well, then, the rest of this stuff is just details.” I feel ten feet tall.

First of all, do you know who you absolutely, never, under any circumstances, should trust? Someone who consistently emphasizes how much they want you to trust them, and who asks repeatedly if you trust them yet.

Especially if they then decide that now that they have your trust, further discussion about sexual activities you’d like to engage in with them is unnecessary.

Thankfully, Ana points out that she does want to go over the rest of the contract. She won’t budge on agreeing to having her food and sleep controlled. I mean, that’s really only going to last until you’re married, Ana, but good for you for thinking your life is still yours. Then she asks him why she can’t touch him.

“Is it because of Mrs. Robinson?”

What? “Why would you think that? You think she traumatized me?”

Why on earth would anyone think that? I mean, really. An emotionally damaged fifteen-year-old being groomed into BDSM by one of his mother’s friends in a you-can-never-tell-or-we’ll-both-be-in-trouble deal? How ever could that be traumatizing to a person?

He tells her that it’s not because of Mrs. Robinson and adds:

“And I don’t want you touching yourself, either,” I add.

“Out of curiosity, why?”

“Because I want all your pleasure.”

Fair enough, in a D/s relationship. But, uh…shouldn’t that also be, you know…discussed?

Look, if you’re thinking, “I might want to try this BDSM thing out!”, then here’s a word of advice: if a potential Dom behaves toward you as though you’ve already agreed to sub for them and they cannot drop their Dom persona during negotiations like this? Run as fast as you can in the other direction. They will ignore your limits, they will try to coerce you into doing things you don’t want to do, and they will use “but I’m naturally dominant!” as an excuse for that manipulative behavior.

Hey, speaking of creepy behavior:

I could fuck her here to see if she can be quiet. Real quiet, knowing we’re within earshot of the hotel staff and guests. After all, that’s why I’ve booked this room.

I don’t want to belabor the point here, but Ana specifically asked to stay in a public setting so that they would. not. have. sex. Christian made her come with him to this private room, and now we have confirmation that he was expecting to have sex with her in said room. Despite her saying she didn’t want to go somewhere private, where they could have sex, he has brought her here with that express purpose. Despite the fact that, and maybe I’m stressing this too much, she already said she doesn’t want to.

Plus, he planned on her engaging in public sex without clearing it with her at all beforehand? She’s clearly uncomfortable even talking about sex, but he thinks she was going to be DTF in a room where a waiter could just walk in? That takes a lot of fucking ego to just assume that a woman is going to fuck you in public because you want her to.

“Do you want to go over the soft limits now, too?”

“Not over dinner.”

“Squeamish?”

“Something like that.”

Again. If she’s squeamish just talking about these sex acts, this is a sign that she’s not comfortable and is perhaps not ready to enter into this type of relationship without casually trying this shit out.

Christian points out that Ana hasn’t eaten much:

This is getting old. “Three oysters, four bites of cod, and one asparagus stalk, no potatoes, no nuts, no olives, and you’ve not eaten all day. You said I could trust you.”

Aaaaaaand you said she could trust you, and you promised not to police her eating habits. So who’s untrustworthy here?

“Christian, please, it’s not every day I sit through conversations like this.”

“I need you fit and healthy, Anastasia.” My tone is adamant.

I need you fit and healthy, but not mentally healthy. If I needed you mentally healthy, I might do something like not let you know that I’m cataloguing every single bite of food you take to use against you in a later argument.

“Christian. You use sex as a weapon. It really isn’t fair.” She looks down at her lap, and her voice is low and melancholy. She looks up again, pinning me with an intense stare, her powder-blue eyes unnerving…and arousing.

“You’re right. I do,” I admit. “In life you use what you know. Doesn’t change how much I want you. Here. Now.” And we could fuck here, right now.

Again, he has no interest in what Ana wants, what her comfort level is, or whether she’s even interested in having sex right now. He wants it, so it’s happening.

“I’d like to try something.” I really want to know how quiet she can be, and if she can do this with the fear of discovery.

Her brow creases once more; she’s confused.

“If you were my sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy. All those decisions–all the wearying thought processes behind them. The ‘Is this the right thing to do? Should this happen here? Can it happen now?’ You wouldn’t have to worry about any of that detail. That’s what I’d do as your Dom. And right now, I know you want me, Anastasia.”

He goes on to say:

“I can tell because your body gives you away. You’re pressing your thighs together, you’re flushed, and your breathing has changed.”

Okay, but I’ve read the original series and Ana is flushed all the time. That said, Chedward is overlooking an important detail: Ana’s body is not in charge. Ana’s mind is. And she hasn’t said she wants to fuck you.

She’s quiet for a moment and looks away. “I haven’t finished my cod,” she says, evasive but still blushing.

“You prefer cold cod to me?”

Her eyes meet mine, and they’re wide, pupils dark and large. “I thought you liked me to clear my plate.”

“Right now, Miss Steele, I couldn’t give a fuck about your food.”

This is important to me, until it isn’t. Now try and guess which times those are.

She’s trifling with me–a dangerous tactic that will have me fucking her over this table.

Honestly, anyone who reads this shit and finds him so romantic and sexy? Need to have constant supervision so they don’t accidentally start dating a dude like this. If you have a friend who loooooooves Christian Grey, start spreading malicious rumors about how she farts during sex or something. Anything, to stop her from finding her perfect Mr. Grey.

She really has no idea how sexy she is…I’m about to pounce when the waiter knocks and enters.

I’m about to rape her when the waiter knocks and enters.

Ana uses this interruption to announce her intention to leave.

This is not going to plan at all.

You know, the plan. The plan where he was going to have public sex with Ana without consulting her first.

He asks why she wants to go.

“Because you’ve given me so much to consider, and I need some distance.” Her eyes are pleading with me to let her go.

But we’ve gotten so far in our negotiation. We’ve made compromises. We can make this work. I have to make this work.

“Hey, I compromised! Now you have to let me fuck you in front of the waitstaff!”

Every time I write one of these recaps, I feel the delicious, thirst-quenching tears of all the fans who passionately defended the series against abuse allegations and find Christian brutally misrepresented as a creepy, creepy stalker. Yes, cry, you abuse apologist trash people! Your sorrow strengthens the rest of us! Muahahahahahahahaha!

“I could make you stay,” I tell her, knowing I could seduce her right now, in this room.

In the original, in Ana’s POV, this says:

“I could make you stay,” he threatens.

JUST SAYING.

“You know, when you fell into my office to interview me, you were all ‘Yes, sir,’ ‘No, sir.’ I thought you were a natural-born submissive. But quite frankly, Anastasia, I’m not sure you have a submissive bone in your delectable body.”

Now that threats and intimidation haven’t gotten her spread and willing, he goes straight to the guilt button. You misrepresented yourself, I thought this about you and now you’re disappointing me.

Then he goes on to kissing her, because obviously she’s going to change her entire mind about needing space if she gets horny enough. But she still wants to leave, and tells him that she doesn’t know if she can have the kind of relationship he wants. He gives up and takes her to the lobby, where he asks her if he can see her on Sunday. She says maybe, and it’s all, whoa is me, this might be the end, oh no. For a guy who doesn’t get emotional or hearts and flowery, he’s taking this potential breakup of his non-relationship like a middle schooler getting dumped for the first time.

Then the valet brings her car, the truck her stepdad Charlie bought her beat up VW Beetle her stepdad Ray bought her, and Christian gets pissy about that. Because obviously poor people cars aren’t as reliable as rich people cars.

They have a stupidly dramatic goodbye, in which Ana struggles not to cry, and he goes up to his room to drink more wine and refuse to give Ana space. He emails her:

I don’t understand why you ran this evening.

Because you kept threatening to rape her, while simultaneously demanding she trust you? There’s more the to the email, but it’s basically just I hope you give my proposal serious consideration, etc. Which is exactly what she’s trying to do, what she told you she’s trying to do, and why she asked for space.

I glance at my watch. It will take her at least twenty minutes to get home, probably longer in that death trap.

So the space he’s willing to give her is immediately emailing her after she leaves, and counting the minutes until she replies. He also emails Taylor and tells him that he needs an Audi delivered tomorrow.

Let’s take a break from the absolutely enraging rape culture as romance bullshittery for a good, old fashion critique of this run-on from hell:

Opening the Sancerre, I pour myself a glass, and picking up my book, I sit and read, trying hard to concentrate.

Let me give you a fucking hand here, Erika. I open the Sancerre and pour myself a glass. I pick up my book and sit. As I read, I try hard to concentrate. Wow, look at all of those separate actions in their own sentences.

At 11:00, I text her.

So, she left at ten, it’s now eleven. Within an hour, he has sent her an email and text. After she’s asked for space.

Before midnight I send another email.

Within two hours of her asking him to give her space, he’s sent two emails and a text.

I’ll see her tomorrow at the graduation ceremony and I’ll find out then if she’s turning me down.

Less. Than. 24. Hours.

Then, of course, he goes to bed, because it’s the end of the chapter, and every really good writer ends each chapter of a book with waking, and ends each chapter with sleeping. Every. Single. Chapter.

 

THE STRANGER release day!

It’s release day! Right now, you can buy The Stranger at Amazon, iBooks, and Smashwords. More retailers (B&N, Kobo, etc.) will become available through the week. Thanks so much for your continued support of my work and these characters. This was a very fun story to write!

 

 

True Blood Tuesday S01E10, “I Don’t Wanna Know”

This week’s episode is pretty boring. I try to alleviate this boredom by getting angry about a ghost tour I went on. Here’s the file, and as usual, start it after the HBO logo and sound fade out.

Don’t Do This, Ever: “Reviews Feed Us” edition

There have been a few graphics going around social media lately that kind of rub me the wrong way.

In the past, this sentiment never bothered me. I may have even expressed it a time or two. But I’m seeing an increase in readers speaking out about this practice. Now, from a reader’s point of view, I’m starting to see why this is frustrating.

Imagine going to see a movie. It’s a fun movie, you enjoyed it. You left the theatre feeling you got your money’s worth. Then, when you got home, the director has posted a Facebook message: “If you want us to be able to keep making movies, please consider writing a review at Rotten Tomatoes or IMDB.” How would that make you feel? Pressured? Guilty? Obligated? Maybe you wouldn’t go see a movie directed by that guy again, because you don’t want to deal with the plea for reviews.

What if you went to Home Depot and bought a new plunger? You brought it home, it worked fine, you’re happy with it. Then Home Depot sends you an email saying, “It would really help us out if you reviewed that plunger.” Nope, no thanks, Home Depot. I’ll shop at Ye Olde Hardware store from now on.

Do you, like me, get annoyed when Amazon Marketplace or eBay sellers send out messages asking for ratings and feedback? I freak out. I just wanted to buy something from you. I don’t want to help you build your business. I’m not looking for a symbiotic relationship here. Just let me buy my stuff and leave.

When someone reads my book, I view it as a consumer transaction. They either bought the book or checked it out from the library or downloaded it, and once they’ve done that, the transaction is completed. Nothing further is required from either of us. If a reader wants to reach out, I’m there, but they’re not obligated to. They can leave a review, if they’re so inspired. But they owe me nothing, because we’ve both benefitted from the exchange (unless they thought the book was shitty).

Some of the graphics I’ve seen suggest that if you don’t review, the writer might starve:

Or, that they might stop writing. This is some fanfic bullshit if I’ve ever seen it. So many writers will tell you that the reason they write is because they enjoy it. It’s too difficult a job to do if your heart isn’t in it. So, if what you need to enjoy it is reviews, and you’re not getting them and your heart is not in it, then maybe it’s time to rethink some priorities. But it’s your job to decide whether or not to continue. Don’t put that responsibility on readers.

I’m not trying to be harsh here. I know that it’s frustrating when you see people racking up fantastic review after fantastic review. I know you want your book to reach the widest possible audience and have two full pages of positive quotes to sell it. But why alienate the audience you do have by holding that “no new chapter until I hit fifty reviews”-style fanfic threat over their heads?

What about making money? Don’t reviews help you make money? If you’re a professional writer, writing is your job. It might be your second job. Hell, it could even be your third job. But if you’re making money from it, it’s a job. If isn’t financially feasible for you to continue, then…you don’t continue. A reader doesn’t need to “feed an author”. They’re not responsible for the financial success or failure of your writing business, so to suggest that by not leaving a review they’re condemning you to poverty is absurd. Especially if they already bought your book, thus actually contributing on a monetary level.

Which brings me to the graphic that inspired this post. Six writers I’m friends with on my personal Facebook have shared this so far. They’re all awesome people, with only the best intentions. I’m just not sure they get how this sounds:

Since when do readers need to worry about helping us overcome Amazon’s arcane algorithms? It’s not their job to publicize our books for us. If you want to get into a newsletter, there are plenty of them out there. And blogs. And ad space on blogs. Is it cheaper to get free promotion? Sure. But is it worth the risk of losing readers by constantly begging for reviews?

Again, I’m not trying to be harsh. It’s one thing to ask for reviews on something you’re giving away for free, like fanfic or fan art or what have you, because the review, or even clicking the kudos button on AO3, is a form of (voluntary) payment. But if someone is paying you for a book, all they need to give you is money. My dentist has never once said to me, “Yeah, you paid your bill, but if you don’t help me fix this hole in the roof, I have to close down my practice.” The consumer has already paid for what they’ve gotten. They don’t need to stick around and fix the hole in your roof.

Plus, reviews are time consuming. Even a single line of “It was good, I liked it” takes time out of a reader’s day. They already gave your book the time it took to read it. Why on earth should we be asking for more? And it feels as though the question devalues that reader who doesn’t leave a review. “You don’t count,” we’re saying. “You read the book, but you didn’t leave a review, so you’re not as appreciated as my other readers.” And many bloggers have been scared into not writing reviews anymore, because of the way some bad apple authors have treated the whole blogger bunch.

Reviews are nice. Good ones make us feel good. And that’s super. But just because something makes you feel good, doesn’t mean you deserve it. And we have got to stop acting entitled to a reader’s public opinion.

True Blood Tuesday S01E09 “Plaisir D’Amour”

Here you go! Same as always. Download here, start when the HBO logo/sound are over.

State Of The Trout: “Everything You Need To Know About THE STRANGER” edition (plus a chance to meet me)

We’re going to talk about The Stranger in a minute here. First, though, I want to tell you about an upcoming chance to meet me, if you live in the Savannah, GA, area. On Saturday, August 6th, I’ll be signing books at the Authors After Dark signing at the Savannah Marriott Riverfront from 2-4pm. There are going to be a lot of great authors there, including Sherrilyn Kenyon, who wrote one of my very favorite romances of all time, Fantasy Lover.  Anyway, come on out and see me, pick up some swag. If you’d like to get something signed, I’ll have paperback copies of The Baby, and First Time, as well as a few assorted audio editions. Or, feel free to bring your own stuff from home.

Okay, about The Stranger…

 

Six years before Neil Elwood became Sophie Scaife’s boss—and Dom—she knew him as Leif, the charming stranger in the Los Angeles International Airport, and the man who would change her life forever…

Fresh from the class of 2007, eighteen-year-old Sophie Scaife is ready to throw her carefully planned future to the wind and chase her dreams all the way to Tokyo. When her flight is canceled and a handsome stranger offers her a night of no-strings-attached pleasure, Sophie finds herself on a much different adventure than she’d expected.

With his commanding sexual presence and deviously filthy mind, Leif is the perfect man to teach Sophie everything that’s been missing with other lovers. But while Sophie can trust him with her body, she’s not sure he’s all that he claims to be…and their night of passion could change everything.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW:

The Stranger will be released on Amazon and Smashwords on August 9th.
It will be available across other platforms soon after.
The Stranger is not a full-length novel. It’s a novella, coming in at approximately 30,000 words.
There will be something of great interest to Neil and Sophie fans at the end.

I hope every is as excited about this story as I am. I started writing it in 2014, shortly after The Girlfriend was released, but a failed backup resulted in the loss of the nearly completed manuscript. I’m so please to finally put it into readers’ hands. If you know fans of the series, make sure they know about this one.

Want a sneak peek of The Stranger? 

Leif used the key card to unlock the door, ushered me through, and kicked it closed behind us. I laughed, breathless, as he hauled me up against his chest, and we both dropped our bags where we stood. It was the first unrestrained contact we’d had, and I ached for it. His mouth covered mine, and senses I didn’t know I had jolted awake.

He palmed my ass and squeezed. “This…has been driving me wild.” One hand rummaged between us for the button on my jeans. We were at the pants-coming-off stage? This was moving so fast!

He didn’t push them down. Instead, he took advantage of their looseness and slid both hands down my back and into my pants to cup my ass, his fingers digging into my flesh.

“I’ve wanted to get my hands on this since I first saw you,” he confessed between kisses. “I’ve wanted to touch every part of you.”

“I want you to, too,” I whimpered. Every brush of his lips promised that I had made the right decision coming here with him. He dragged his mouth across my cheek, to the edge of my jaw, down my neck.

He tugged at the hem of my T-shirt. “Take this off.”

“Oh, um.” I knew we were going to get naked at some point. We kind of had to, to have sex. But, now, it felt a little more serious. “I don’t have a bra on.”

“I hope you don’t think me rude for saying so, but I did notice.” He rubbed his thumb over my hard nipple through my T-shirt. Suddenly, the barrier of the cotton was too much; I stepped back and whipped my shirt over my head.

I hoped he wouldn’t notice that one of my boobs was slightly larger than the other.

Holding me tight with an arm around my waist, he sucked and kissed his way from my collarbones to the upturned points of my nipples. His mouth closed over one; I thought I would die.

This was so much different than anything I’d done before. I didn’t feel like a buffet of parts for him to pick and choose from. He held all of me, molded my body to his, and murmured over and over how much he wanted to fuck me, how good I felt. It didn’t feel like getting fucked; it felt like being worshipped.

I held onto his upper arms, but felt bold enough to raise my hands and run my fingers through his hair. I pulled his face closer, and he groaned, flicking his tongue over my captured nipple.

“I want…” Had I gasped that aloud? Because I didn’t know exactly what I’d meant to ask for.

He straightened and pulled me close, then spun us to trap me between him and the wall. He traced the shell of my ear with his tongue before he asked, “What do you want?”

Yeah, what do you want? I’d thought of this as my chance to live out my fantasies. And one loomed so much larger than any of the others. I’d heard of kinky stuff before. At least, I’d watched Secretary before. I’d watched the first spanking scene over and over for… personal reasons, and I’d even followed Lee’s lead and tried to spank myself with a hairbrush.

That shit definitely did not work.

But there was only one way to find out if the real thing was better. “Um… you could… spank me? Maybe?”

His body went still. I wasn’t sure he was still breathing.

“Leif?”

A mixture of disbelief and delight crossed his face.

“Only if you’re cool with that,” I added, hoping I hadn’t offended him.

“Oh, I absolutely am.” His half-smile showed again. “I was just thinking how lucky it is that our paths crossed today.”

“Just give me one second, okay?” I asked, and he moved his arm to let me pass.

I went into the bathroom and shut the door, then turned on the water in the sink to cover the sound of peeing. Then, I frantically found a washcloth and used it to clean all of my crucial parts from the armpits down. All the while I hurriedly worked, I stared at myself in the mirror. Topless, pants around my ankles, about to go out there and be spanked by a guy older than my mom.

This had not been part of the plan when I’d left the house this morning.