Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 59

True Blood Tuesday, S02E02 “Keep This Party Going”

Here’s the link, you know what to do. And if you don’t, what you do is you download it and then start the MP3 right when the HBO sound/logo fade out.

Let’s Get Crafty Out Of Desperation!

You know that stereotypical “Yay, my kids are going back to school soon” mom thing? Yeah, that’s not played up for laughs. As the first day of school draws closer and closer for my youngest, her boredom and anticipation have turned to neediness and destruction. Now, with her new backpack stuffed with fresh supplies and new clothes she’s not allowed to wear yet just sitting around, taunting her, I’ve cleaned up messes like clear nail polish poured over our bathroom sink, a whole bottle of acrylic paint spilled across our dining room floor, and a sandwich threaded through our apple-coring/slicing machine. Two of our dogs received very amateur haircuts.

In desperation, I suggested we do some crafts. Now, I’m not the kind of mom who arranges activities for her kids. Nobody entertained me or enriched my life with activities daily when I was growing up; if I ever said I was bored, my grandmother would automatically answer, “Well, I’m so thrilled, I could shit!” But when it gets to the point where activities will divert the focus away from destruction, I’ll do anything. And the things we did actually turned out pretty cool. You might be interested in making some of them, too.

We got Halloween-ish, y’all!

There are a lot of versions of the eyeball wreath floating around online. This is our spin on it. We used spray-on fabric paint on ping pong balls (and used plain old orange ping pong balls we didn’t have to paint, just because we’re lazy), then glued a little googly eye on each one and hot glued them to a styrofoam wreath wrapped in black ribbon. My tip for this one: to paint and affix eyes to the ping pong balls, put big loops of duct tape on a  piece of cardboard and stick the balls to the tape to keep them from rolling away.

We pained these terrecotta flower pots and filled them with florist foam. The moss is glued around the foam. The leaves came from fake flowers we used in the next project. The eyes are styrofoam balls with more realistic-looking googly eyes, and the stems are pipe cleaners. I got this idea from somewhere, and I have no idea where. It was either last year or the year before that I thought, “I should make those,” and then never did. Happened to remember them this year. My tip for this one: moss smells fucking disgusting and you’re going to have to air out your house.

Finally, the last project, and also the easiest:

There is no easier Halloween DIY than this one. I already have a ton of spray paint owing to the fact that I tend to get mad about stuff and make signs. Anyway, I used black matte spray paint on a random glass bottle hanging around. The flowers are fake ones I bought at the craft store. To make the eyes, I bought a pack of glow-in-the-dark bouncy balls with eyes on them, then cut them in half and glued them into the centers of the flowers. My tip: find flowers with hardy construction that can bear the weight of half a super ball. Also, use hot glue instead of tacky glue, which was my initial mistake. Eyes were EVERYWHERE, because they bounce when they fall off.

So, there you have it. Arts and crafts central. These are all pretty easy to do, and almost everything can be found at an arts and crafts store. Except for the ping pong balls, which I had to buy at a sporting goods store. I made the mistake of approaching one of the workers at the store and saying, “Two things: I need to know where your ping pong balls are, and also I’m going to need to use your restroom.”

It was only hours later that I realized why the guy gave me such a horrified look.

HAPPY CRAFTING EVERYBODY!

The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S03E09 “The Wish”

In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone has been needlessly seduced by the blank book selection at Target. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
All the monsters look like wieners.
If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
Angel is a dick.
Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
Science and technology are not to be trusted.
Mental illness is stigmatized.
Only Willow can use a computer.
Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
Oz is the Anti-Xander
Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
Smoking is evil.
Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.
How do these kids know all these outdated references, anyway?
Technology is used inconsistently as per its convenience in the script.
Sunnydale residents are no longer shocked by supernatural attacks.
Casual rape dismissal/victim blaming a-go-go
Snyder believes Buffy is a demon or other evil entity.
The Scoobies kind of help turn Jonathan into a bad guy.
This show caters to the straight female gaze like whoa.
Sunnydale General is the worst hospital in the world.
Faith is hyper-sexualized needlessly.
Slut shame!
The Watchers have no fucking clue what they’re doing.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it.

I know I say that every episode is one of my favorites, but this one? Is for sure in the top ten. In the same way I believe that every show should have a “The Zeppo”-like installment, I firmly believe that every show should have an alternate-reality episode. This one is up there with Doctor Who‘s “Turn Left” for me, in terms of showing how things could have gone for your favorite characters. Especially if it reaffirms how much you love the actual story.

Also, this one introduces Anya.

So, right off the bat, this episode is all aces because the pre-credits action sequence takes place during the day.  Buffy, Xander, and Willow are on a picnic, which has been rudely interrupted by a slimy demon (that doesn’t “go poof” and they will later have to bury). After the demon fight, they talk about the fact that they haven’t heard from Faith lately, which is worrying, and then Xander tries to gaslight himself and everyone else into believing that what he and Willow did wasn’t that bad:

Xander: “But you know what really bugs me? Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.”

Willow: “Darn tootin’!”

Xander: “And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.”

Buffy: “Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.”

Thank you, Buffy.

Xander and Willow are both trying to win their respective partners back…which means they didn’t really want to be together, after all. Their only attraction to each other was mutual unavailability. I don’t know if this makes me a bad person or what, but because of this element of their characterization in particular, I have a difficult time committing to their future romantic entanglements. I mean, as the show goes on, they prove that they’re both pretty terrible romantic partners, anyway, but from this point out it’s very difficult to root for them to get together with anyone.

Xander and Willow ask Buffy how she deals with her heartache over Angel, and she tells them that she has them. Then we cut to Cordelia’s bedroom, where she’s cutting Buffy and Willow and Xander out of a photograph one by one. And if that doesn’t break your heart, I don’t know what will. Because while Xander and Willow and Buffy have each other, Cordelia has no one. In losing Xander, she’s lost all of her friends.

I’m getting ahead of the episode here, though.

As Xander calls and leaves message after intrusive message, Cordy burns his photo.

After the credits, Willow is staking out Oz’s locker. She tells Buffy that Amy saw Cordelia, and that Cordelia looked “scary”. Then we cut to Cordy’s shiny red convertible rolling up, and it looks like good old pre-Xander Cordy has returned, decked out in burgundy leather. But she’s not quite as confident as the old Cordelia, especially when Harmony and the other members of the popular girl clique approach.

Let’s talk a minute here about Harmony. She has smoothly inserted herself as the leader of the mean girls of Sunnydale High. And I bet you money that happened within ten minutes of hearing that Cordelia got cheated on by Xander. I want to know what happened behind the scenes on this one. I want to know by what machinations did Harmony seize power. Because it had to be epic. Harmony is the Cersei Lannister of Sunnydale High. She fascinates me.

Harmony introduces Cordelia to Anya, a new member of the group.

Harmony: “You have to meet Anya. She just moved here, and her dad just bought…what was it? Oh, a utility or something.”

I love how this sets up Anya as knowing little to nothing about modern humans. She’s using Monopoly as a cover story. But she’s able to recognize the Prada bag Cordy is carrying, which also sets her up as the materialistic little monster we all come to love. Doesn’t know what kind of job a human might have, does know what an expensive purse looks like.

Harmony talks about Cordelia’s injury as though it were all an elaborate lie to get out of facing people at school after being cheated on by a nerd. Another friend tells Cordy that she has to start dating again, and Harmony says they have the perfect guy for her.

Cordelia is humiliated as her friends laugh at her, and Jonathan just sits there, probably also humiliated, but used to it, as he is the most miserable soul at Sunnydale High. But I’m not tagging this one as #29, because it wasn’t one of the Scoobies doing the mocking.

In the hallway, Oz finally comes to his locker. He is not thrilled to see Willow.

Willow: “Oz, wait, please. What I did…when I think that I hurt you–”

Oz: “Yeah, you said all this stuff already.”

Willow: “Right. But…I wanna make it up to you. I mean, if you let me…I wanna try.”

Oz: “Just… you can leave me alone. I need to figure things out.”

Willow: “But maybe if we talk about it, we could–”

Oz: “Look, I’m sorry this is hard for you. But I told you what I need. So, I can’t help feeling like the reason you wanna talk is so you can feel better about yourself. That’s not my problem.”

YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS! Thank you! Do not coddle her feelings! Do not act like she’s a victim, too! Hold Willow accountable for shit, because literally no one on this show ever does!

Actually, this is something that really bothers me, now that I think about it. For the rest of the series, nobody ever holds Willow accountable for anything bad that she does, and that’s what leads to her spoiled tantrum where she tries to end the world. We saw the road she was going down at the beginning of season six! All of this nonsense about not hurting sweet, fluffy, cinnamon roll Willow is exactly what lead to all of that!

I mean, I’m getting ahead of the series here, but let’s just keep that in mind as we go along. It might even get a number, eventually.

Meanwhile, Cordelia is trying to ignore how everyone is talking about her fall from grace. She sees Xander coming down the hall and, in a bid to save face, she stops a clearly thirty-year-old high school guy to make it look like she’s happy and moved totally on.

See? That guy has a receding hairline and a fucking 401k.

She manages to fool Xander into thinking that she’s flirting, but Senior Citizen Senior doesn’t actually return the flirt. He tells Cordy that because the guys on the team have been giving him a hard time and he’s been busted down to second string (probably because of his arthritic hip), he can’t be seen talking to someone who got dumped by Xander Harris. He’ll still have sex with her, of course, just so long as she doesn’t tell anybody.

Anya has overheard the whole exchange, and Cordelia expects her to say something shitty about it, but Anya is genuinely interested in getting to know Cordelia. Anya thinks Harmony is an obnoxious follower, which is why she wants to talk to someone who has genuine good taste and such. Convinced that Anya is being genuine, Cordelia asks about Anya’s necklace, which she calls “an actual old thing” and a “good luck charm.” Then she brings up Xander:

Anya: “I mean, apart from being without class, the guy’s obviously blind. Deserves whatever he gets.”

Cordelia: “I’m not even thinking about him. I am past it, I am living my life.”

Anya: “Still, I mean, don’t you kinda wish…”

Cordelia: “I don’t wish. I act. Starting now, Xander Harris is going to get a bellyful of just how over him I am.”

Which means going to the Bronze in a sexy dress and pretending to have a good time. Which is what Xander is also doing. Minus the sexy dress. He’s fake laughing and wants Buffy and Willow to join in.

Buffy: “I’m here for you, Xand. I’m supporto-gal. I just feel a little weird about this us-against-Cordelia thing. She’s had a rough time.”

True friendship tells you when you deserve to suffer for being a fuck up, Xander.

Willow agrees that they deserve to feel guilty, but she takes it so overboard that it enables Xander’s outrage at having to feel guilt. All three of them decide that heartbreak is pointless, and they should go out and experience life to its fullest. Instead, they decide to eat their feelings.

Buffy sees Cordelia leave, clutching her wound in pain, and goes after her to check on her. Our Slayer tries to be supportive, and advises Cordelia to talk to her friends about what she’s going through. Which, you know, Buffy doesn’t know what happened with Harmony and the other shitty girls at school, so it’s good advice. Cordelia even looks like she might open up to Buffy as a friend. But then a vampire drops in, and during the fight Cordelia is tossed into a pile of garbage. Harmony and the rest of the clique walk past and laugh at her, and it’s the last fucking straw:

Cordelia: “You know what I’ve been asking myself a lot this week? Why me? Why do I get impaled? Why do I get bitten by snakes? Why do I fall for incredible losers? And you know, I think I finally figured it out. What my problem is? It’s–”

The scene changes, and she finishes her diatribe as she’s talking to Anya:

Cordelia: “Buffy Summers. That’s when all my trouble started. When she moved here.”

That’s not untrue. Cordelia only became involved with the Scoobies because Buffy saved her so many times. I mean, is it fair that she blames all her current problems on Buffy? Obviously not, but Buffy was the change in Cordelia’s trajectory that landed her here.

Harmony and the others walk by and mock Cordelia, and Anya graciously loans Cordy her good luck necklace, because it seems like she needs it. As they watch Buffy and Willow and Xander happily chatting, Anya tries to direct Cordy’s anger back at Xander, but Cordy is stuck on hating Buffy.

Cordelia: “I never would have looked twice at Xander if Buffy hadn’t made him marginally cooler by hanging with him.”

Anya: “Really?”

Cordelia: “Yeah, I swear. I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.”

then Anya’s face looks like this:

The demon makeup kind of fails for me, as it just highlights how gorgeous Emma Caulfield’s eyes are.

And she says:

Anya: “Done.”

All of a sudden, Cordelia finds herself standing in the mostly deserted and now trash-covered courtyard. Buffy, Willow, and Xander are no longer sitting in the spot they were just a moment before, and Cordelia’s impalement wound is gone.

Cordelia: “Anya? I wished Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale. She was like…a good fairy. A scary, veiny good fairy.”

Cordy is super pleased with herself. I mean, why wouldn’t she be? She rules the school again. She meets her friends inside, and stuff is a little…off. Like the fact that everyone is dressing in really drab colors, and there are little extras hanging on the walls.

Do you see it?

Cordelia doesn’t seem to notice. I’m not sure how, because that much garlic in one place has to create a wretched, eye burning smell. But she’s psyched when the student from before, the one with the AARP subscription, comes up and tells her he’d be honored if she went with him to the winter brunch. Which Cordy doesn’t quite get, but she’s happy to be on top.

In class–where there are fewer students than we’re used to seeing–everyone is hastily packing up and hurrying out. The teacher reminds them that due to their “monthly memorial” they won’t be having class the next day. And Cordelia still doesn’t get it. She tells her friends they should all go to the Bronze. Her friends are immediately horrified.

Harmony: “Cordy, what’s with you? I mean, you wear this come-bite-me outfit, you make jokes about the Bronze…you’re acting a little schizo.”

Cordelia: “You’re right. I just…well, I bumped my head yesterday and I keep forgetting stuff. Not that I care, but Xander Harris? He’s miserable, right? And that Willow freak he hangs with? Not even a blip on the radar screen, right?”

Harmony: “Well, yeah. They’re dead?”

Gotta flag the “schizo” comment with #14. It’s weird, I don’t so much notice when people say “crazy” or “insane”, but I go off the hinges these days when it’s stuff like, “You’re psycho,” or “schizo,” or “I’m so OCD.” That kind of thing.

Anyway, of course they’re dead. They’ve nearly died about sixty thousand times since Buffy arrived, and she never showed up, so obviously they were goners.

When Cordelia goes to her car, she finds it missing. A janitor tells her that kids aren’t allowed to drive, and that she should get home before sunset.

So far, we’ve heard about a winter brunch instead of a winter formal, Harmony mentioned a curfew that starts an hour after school is over, and the halls are full of garlic and crosses. Everyone dresses in drab colors, and half the population of the school is missing. So, in this reality, #26 is out in full force, and #8 is completely obliterated. Huh.

The only thing I don’t understand is why the kids aren’t allowed to drive. I would be much, much happier if my teen could drive away from a vamp, as opposed to trying to outrun them on foot.

Cordelia walks home through the darkened, abandoned streets of Sunnydale. Businesses are closing up and people are screaming. Cordelia is relieved when she runs into Xander. She tells him that Harmony thinks he’s dead, and that they need to get Buffy. He recognizes the name of the Slayer, but he’s not as enthusiastic about finding her as Cordelia is.

Then Willow shows up and says:

Willow: “Bored now.”

You know what that means. #21. Even though the most likely scenario is that someone remembered, during the writing of season six, that Willow said it in this episode, I’m still calling it foreshadowing. It’s just unintentional.

Cordelia is outraged to find that Xander and Willow are together, even though her wish came true. They’re also super handsy with each other, and are decked out in tons of leather:

First of all, is that a silver chain? On a vampire? I thought Buffy used silver to torture a vampire in season one. Am I misremembering that?

Also, let’s talk about vampires, evil, and sexuality. As I’ve noted a few times (and it’s even #1 on our list), sexuality is pretty well and truly demonized by this show. Female vampires and assorted demons are sexually aggressive. Male vampires often threaten rape (#6). Vampires are sometimes coded as bisexual or gay to give them a little added immorality (#23). Now, let’s be real here. At this point in time in the paranormal/urban fantasy genres of TV, movies, and books, this was pretty much par for the course. It happened in almost every major series (my series of vampire novels, included). But it’s still worth talking about. Here, Vampire!Willow and Vampire!Xander are coded as being oversexed and kinky, and that’s one of the major clues to the audience that they’re vampires.

Cordelia runs from them, and Xander and Willow make out a little bit to give her enough of a head start to chase them. They catch her and knock her unconscious. Just as they’re about to start eating her,  a van roars up, and out jumps Giles and Larry and another student. Oz is driving and manning a crossbow. They hold Willow and Xander at bay with crosses. They grab Cordelia and take her back to the library.

Wait. Buffy isn’t in Sunnydale. Why is Giles in Sunnydale? Why is he still a librarian? I mean, I’m not complaining about Giles being in an episode, don’t get me wrong. Especially when he looks like this:

The sweater. The rolled up sleeves. The stubble, sweet lady Jesus, the stubble.

But it’s not like he’s the local Watcher or something. He was sent to Sunnydale to be Buffy’s Watcher. If she never came to Sunnydale, shouldn’t he be with her in L.A.? This plot hole gets addressed, but never really cleared up. I supposed we could fanon it and say that of course if there’s a Hellmouth, they would send a Watcher to check up on it. But why wouldn’t they also send a Slayer? It’s never explained.

The students bemoan Cordelia’s fashion sense (vampires are attracted to bright colors) and Giles sends them to watch out for Willow and Xander, in case they follow them. But Willow and Xander are headed to the Bronze, which is now a hotbed of vampire hedonism. You know, people screaming, people in cages, people getting eaten in the bad way. Also, our old friend The Master is there!

I know, I’m shocked to see you, too!

Xander tells The Master about Cordelia mentioning Buffy.

Willow: “Buffy, ooh, scary.”

Xander: “Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody’s hearts.”

The Master doesn’t think it’s all that funny. He’s got a plant that’s going to be operational soon, and he’s not going to put up with any delays in production. He wants Cordelia dead before she can contact the Slayer.

Back at the library, Cordelia wakes up and tells Giles they have to find Buffy:

Cordelia: “You have to get Buffy! Buffy changes it. It wasn’t like this, it was better! I mean, the clothes alone. But people were happy. Mostly. And…wait, why are you here, and she’s not? I mean…you were her Watcher.”

Yes! Please, answer this one, Giles. Why are you there? Also, excuse me for just one moment:

Stubble.

Giles is stunned to hear Cordelia call him a Watcher, and he starts to say that he’s never told anybody about being a Watcher, but then they hear a noise. He goes into the cage to grab his weapons, but Willow and Xander are already in the library. Willow shuts Giles in and he’s forced to watch, helpless, as she and Xander kill Cordelia together.

That’s what we in the biz call “a metaphor”.

After the break, Oz and Larry are about to take Cordelia’s dead body to the incinerator when Giles notices the necklace she’s wearing. Then we cut to The Master having a cappuccino, because he gets real camp when he’s winning, I guess? Also, why does he always look like he has a Kool-Aid mustache or really badly chapped lips?

Anyway, Willow and Xander tell The Master that they killed Cordelia. He’s happy with them, so Willow asks if she can play with “the puppy”.

Let me tell you exactly how thrilled I am with the weird and sick use of the word puppy in this episode. But I’ll wait until we get there.

Back at the library, Giles is on the phone with Buffy’s Watcher:

Giles: “Yes, I’m aware that there’s a great deal of demonic activity in Cleveland. [pause] Well, it happens, you know, that, that Sunnydale is on a Hellmouth. [pause] It is so!”

Hey, check it out! It’s #34 in action, because Buffy’s Watcher doesn’t have any idea where she is. This calls back to a line in the very first scene of the episode, when Buffy says she hasn’t seen Faith in a while, and she’s worried about her because Slaying is lonely. On top of Buffy’s Watcher not knowing how to find her, they’re also argumentative about where she’s needed, apparently. And we still have no answer as to why Giles is in Sunnydale if Buffy isn’t there.

Also, why is Buffy in Cleveland? Is Cleveland the opposite of Sunnydale somehow? Because Buffy was from L.A., so wouldn’t she still be there? I suppose that in Alternate Buffyverse Joyce could have gotten a job in Cleveland, but it just seems like this script takes a lot of intuitive leaps that miss a step or two.

But I don’t care, I really like this episode.

It’s daytime at the Bronze, and Willow is going to “play with the puppy”. The “puppy” is Angel. They’ve got him all chained up and caged for Willow to torture. She licks his face and tells him about how all the people he tried to save are going to die tonight because the plant is going to be operational, and she’s going to kill him slowly, etc. All the stuff a Buffy villain says. Then she straddles him and Xander gives her a box of matches for burning Angel.

All of the dialogue with Willow and Xander is so corny. It’s trying to show how evil they are through sexual banter, but that banter is super cringeworthy and the actors are not pulling it off at all. It’s forced and wooden and it’s terrible.

But I don’t care, I really like this episode.

At the library, Giles finds Anya’s necklace in a book. Turns out it’s the symbol for Anyanka, a protector of scorned women who grants wishes.

Larry: “Okay, the entire world sucks because some dead ditz made a wish? I just wanna be clear.”

At this performance, the role of Xander will be played by Larry.

I also just wanna…

Look, we don’t see this amount of Giles casual again until he gets fired, so I need this.

Giles heads home to check out his books there. In this reality, he still has the same shitty car, so he should ask for his money back. He drives up as some vampires are loading humans into a truck. As he tries to save them, he’s knocked down–but not out! Good job, alternate universe!–and it looks like it’s curtains for our favorite librarian. But no! Someone comes in to save the day!

It’s Buffy, in a Lara Croft costume! And she’s annoyed to be there!

Wait, hang on.

Wait.

Just hours ago, she was MIA in Cleveland. She just showed up and asked Giles to tell her why she’s in Sunnydale. So did she somehow get the message from her Watcher and get all the way from Ohio to California in a couple of hours? Why did she come to Sunnydale, if she didn’t have a reason?

At Giles’s house, he chews on his glasses a lot, the little tease.

Look, it’s not my fault that God made Eve weak, okay? I can’t control that. It’s in the bible. It’s science.

Giles tells Buffy that if she destroys Anyanka’s power center, all of the wishes she’s granted in the past will be undone and she’ll just be a mortal woman. Considering what we later hear about all of Anya’s wish granting, reversing some of those now would probably be horrifying. But luckily we never have to see the targets of those wishes in this episode or think about what might happen to them. The only thing Giles doesn’t know is what Anyanka’s power center is.

This makes me absolutely furious. He’s already seen a picture of the necklace in one book, and he’s reading another book. At no point is it mentioned that the necklace or the symbol or whatever could be the power center? At no point can this totally brilliant guy put two and two together?

But I don’t care, I really like this episode.

This, however, is not the Buffy we’re used to. She’s pessimistic, like, worse than Faith ever has been. Alternate Buffy has seen some shit:

Buffy: “The world is what it is. We fight. We die. Wishing doesn’t change that.”

Giles: “I have to believe in a better world.”

Buffy: “Go ahead. I have to live in this one.”

Welcome to Darksville, population Slayer.

Buffy is also pissed when she finds out about The Master, and wants to know why nobody has killed him yet. And I’m like, “He even killed you, Buffy. Even though you don’t know it. So stop acting so superior. Even though you don’t know it.”

She heads off to the Bronze to kill The Master. When she gets there, the place is deserted. The only person left is Angel, and he’s still all chained up and feral. You know, doing that shivery breathing, squinting, grunting thing he does to indicate that he’s in pain/struggle/angst whatever. He knows who Buffy is, and tells her that he was supposed to help her. So, apparently things in Alternate Sunnydale were on the right track toward becoming Actual Sunnydale at some point. Anyway, Buffy’s cross necklace repels Angel, and she realizes he’s a vampire. She’s going to just leave him there, until he shows her his burned up chest and tells her to believe that he hates The Master and wants to kill him.

At the vampire factory, The Master gives a speech about how the life cycle of a predator has held vampires back. They shouldn’t be out killing and feeding when they can just harvest the blood industrial style. Welcome to that super frustrating level of the Buffy video game.

While this is going on, Giles starts a spell to summon Anyanka. And he keeps putting his glasses in his mouth and making me ovulate. Anyanka appears, and she is not happy to see that a man has summoned her.

At the plant, one of Cordelia’s friends is selected to be the first victim. She’s tased into paralysis and put on a tray, then slid into a machine where what can only be described as trocars jab into her body and suck her blood out. The vampires are psyched about their new toys, but Buffy and Angel burst in and start fighting vampires.

Anyanka is basically psyched about the wish Cordelia made:

Anyanka: “I had no idea her wish would be so exciting. Brave new world. I hope she likes it.”

Well, I mean, she would probably be enjoying it a lot more if she wasn’t dead.

The conversation between Giles and Anyanka is intercut with scenes of fighting. He tells her that her only power is in granting wishes, and she grabs him by the throat and chokes him up against a wall. So she’s got a little more power than he assumed. But she doesn’t knock him unconscious, so if we take it on good faith that he didn’t get a head injury on the Watcher field trip in the last episode, good on you, Giles, that’s two in a row where you didn’t get knocked out!

During the fight at the plant, a lot of things happen. For example, Buffy fights Willow, and then repeatedly knees Xander in the face. I rewind that about as much as I rewind Joffrey getting slapped by Tyrion on Game of Thrones. Seriously, she just keeps kneeing him. It’s so satisfying. Then Angel yells, “Buffy, look out!” and charges all the way across the room, past other vampires he could kill or humans he could help, and jumps into the fight like he always does. Even in Alternate Sunnydale, Angel thinks the Slayer needs his help. But this time, there is a consequence:

That’s right. Xander got to kill Angel. He’s living his best life in Alternate Sunnydale. And Angel learned an important lesson about trying to be a hero in a melee situation. I’m so pleased with how this screenshot turned out. He looks totally psyched that he’s about to turn to a pile of ash. He’s doing the Fonzie thumb.

Anyanka: “This is the real world now. This is the world we made. Isn’t it wonderful?”

Not for the audience, Anyanka. We have to watch our friends die/get killed/kill each other.

Buffy kills Xander:

Oz kills Willow:

Giles grabs Anya’s necklace and punches her, knocking her down long enough that he can smash the stone. Just as he’s about to, one of my favorite pieces of Buffy dialogue ever happens:

Anyanka: “You trusting fool. How do you know the other world is any better than this?”

Giles: “Because it has to be.”

And just as he crushes the necklace, The Master snaps Buffy’s neck.

We flash to white, and then we’re right back with Cordelia, the moment she made her wish.

Cordelia: “I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.”

Anya: “Done.”

Oh shit. That whole “done” thing isn’t quite working out now that your power center has been destroyed, huh? But that doesn’t stop her from trying a few more times, because she doesn’t yet realize that she’s trapped as a mortal being now.

Cordelia: “That would be cool. No, wait. I wish Buffy Summers had never been born.”

Anya: “Done!”

Cordelia: “And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.”

Cordelia rambles her vindictive way off screen, and we see:

Phew.

The fight sequence at the end of this episode is so incredibly paced. To hear Anyanka talking about how great the Alternate Sunnydale is while we watch our friends get murdered? It’s chilling. Giles stating simply, “because it has to be,” as Buffy dies? Oh my gosh, yes, of course it has to be! Because the better world is where Buffy is alive, and the writers have taken us on this horrible journey, right to its terrible destination. Sure, there are massive plot holes that are never resolved. Sure, nobody learns a damn thing from the experience and Cordelia doesn’t realize that she’s really better off living in a world with Buffy in it. But it’s wonderful to watch and it makes you feel closer to the characters. You’ve seen a part of their lives they weren’t privy to. And now you can watch the show and know that, yes, everything is exactly as it should be. What you’re seeing is the reality that everyone else is seeing.

Until season five.

See you next time for one of my least favorite episodes. Hey, not every part of season three can be a winner, right?

Re-release News and Cover Reveal: WOLF’S HONOR

Good news, everyone! If you read my paranormal historical romance, Bride Of The Wolf, there’s a sequel on the way! Wolf’s Honor will be out October 25th, just in time to get your werewolf on for Halloween. I’m showing you the cover today, and of course I’ll have an excerpt and other details as we get closer to the release date!

And if you haven’t had a chance to read Bride Of The Wolf, good news! You have plenty of time to catch up before Wolf’s Honor is released!

Revisiting My Backlist: SUCH SWEET SORROW or, “What Came First: The Characters of Such Sweet Sorrow or The Idea to Retell R&J and Hamlet?”

CW: This post talks about Shakespearean tragedies that feature suicide.

If you’re looking for some great YA reads (Like A.L. Davroe’s Nexus, for example), Entangled Publishing is promoting their YA retellings of classic stories. Guess who’s included?

Since Such Sweet Sorrow is on-sale this week for 99¢, I told the folks at Entangled that I would share exactly where the idea came from, specifically, in what order did such an unlikely story even became a thing? Did the concept come first, or the characters?

If we exclude the fact that Romeo and Juliet and Hamlet already existed long before my version of them did, then the idea definitely came first. A few years ago, I teamed up with an incredibly creative guy, Nick Harris. He wanted to explore the idea of what happened after Romeo & Juliet, and what would happen if the titular characters of the play met another disenfranchised teen from Shakespeare’s works. He felt my writing clicked with the concept–Romeo and Hamlet as Ghostbusters. The first time we talked about it, I hung up the phone thinking it was the most bonkers idea and it would never, ever work.

As we started to hammer out the plot together, I felt a bit like I was playing with someone else’s dolls. Romeo, Juliet, Hamlet, and their supporting characters were written by one of the most celebrated and legendary authors of all time. They’d been brought to life on stage by countless actors, made into beloved pieces of cinema, and been retold by storytellers so often that it seemed like there was no place else to take them. Hadn’t everything already been said? How was I supposed to bring anything new, anything my own, to these characters?

I started to think about them in terms of the criticisms that have become so popular over the years. Romeo and Juliet are stupid, they shouldn’t have killed themselves for love, they were so weak. Hamlet is a whiny, spoiled prince who can’t stand to have things not go his way. These criticisms had always felt wrong to me; when I started to get into their heads, I figured out why.

Juliet wasn’t stupid. She didn’t kill herself just because Romeo died. The plan was never to kill herself at all. She didn’t want to marry Paris, so she married someone else. When that plan didn’t work, she agreed to be interred alive in a crypt to make her escape. And when that didn’t work, when she was backed against the wall and in a position where she was free to marry Paris once again, she took her own life. Juliet wasn’t weak and stupid, she was tragically desperate. I mean, she was willing to face the possibility of waking up in a grave full of rotting corpses in order to save herself. Once I figured that out, I felt like I had a responsibility to return that power to Juliet, to remind people that she was witty and sarcastic and brave. So, I had to put that into the book.

Romeo, on the other hand, was reckless. He threw himself head-first into love with one girl only hours after being rejected by the last one who was supposed to be his great love. The premise of Nick’s idea included Romeo venturing into the afterlife to save Juliet, which gave me the chance to strip everything that caused Romeo’s downfall away. He wasn’t strong anymore, he wasn’t as handsome, the poison had weakened him. He still had his pride, but it was badly wounded, and his temper, which he couldn’t really back up. And just like with Juliet, I started to feel like I could get to know Romeo and put my own stamp on him.

The character I most enjoyed writing, though, was Hamlet. By the time he meets Romeo, Hamlet has come home from college after the death of his father, only to learn that he’s been passed over for the throne, and his uncle is now the king–and his stepdad. There’s not a lot standing in Hamlet’s way in terms of eventually getting the crown, and he believes that his uncle poisoned the late king, so the castle isn’t a safe place. The paranormal element of Hamlet made it feel totally natural to me that Hamlet is a medium, and that being paranoid and constantly surrounded by the dead was probably going to make him a little gloomy and weird. That made total sense to me.

Bringing the three characters together and figuring out their tests and trials in brainstorming sessions shaped the main players a little more with every phone call. So I guess it wasn’t necessarily that the characters came first or the idea came first, but that they came very close behind each other and continued to play off each other and build and grow into what is hopefully a fun, clever book.

Read on for a chance to win a great books from Entangled TEEN!

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Dick Slap: A Romantic Interlude

FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM, EVENING

JENNY TROUT, a brilliant young writer with the face of an obese Bernadette Peters sits on the bed beside her husband, MR. JEN. People often tell him he reminds them of Seth Rogan, and he is terrible at remembering names. Mr. Jen is sprawled out in bed, pantsless. Jenny pretends to slap him in the dick and makes various explosion sounds and hand motions.

MR. JEN

Was that a fucking mushroom cloud?

JENNY

Yeah. That’s how hard I slapped your dick.

MR. JEN

You slapped me in the dick so hard–

JENNY

That I split atoms and shit. Right.

MR. JEN

So, you slapped me in the dick so hard, you split atoms?

JENNY

(miming a spreading cloud with her hands)

Yes. This is the fallout. Look how far it’s going.

MR. JEN

Okay, if you hit me in the dick, if the explosion happened where my dick is, we would be at ground zero.

JENNY

Yes.

MR. JEN

So we would be instantly vaporized.

JENNY

Mmhm.

MR.JEN

The kids are dead.

JENNY

That’s right.

MR. JEN

The dogs are dead.

JENNY

Oh, everything is dead. Most of Michigan, definitely, is dead.

MR. JEN

How big was this explosion?

JENNY

(still indicating with her hands)

This is the fallout. This is where the fallout is…you know, this is the exclusion zone. It’s most of Michigan.

MR. JEN

You slapped me in the dick so hard that it destroyed all of Michigan–

JENNY

Most of Michigan.

MR. JEN

It destroyed everything, Jen. If the blast was so big that it destroyed most of Michigan, it destroyed the Earth.

JENNY

That’s not true. That’s not true, the blast wasn’t that big, but it would be big enough that the exclusion zone covered most of Michigan. We would have to sell the top half of Michigan–

MR. JEN

Oh my god, you are so high.

JENNY

What I’m saying is, it’s not like it’s going to blow Michigan completely off the map. I’m saying it’s going to make the exclusion zone go across, like it goes all the way to Lansing. And people are like, ew, I don’t, I definitely don’t want to drive there so–

MR. JEN

The exclusion area isn’t going to be that big.

JENNY

It’s going to be pretty big. Like, as big as that place in the Ukraine.

MR. JEN

Chernobyl. It’s going to be as big as the exclusion zone for Chernobyl.

JENNY

Yes.

MR. JEN

That’s not really that big.

JENNY

Okay, what is it, like thirty miles? That would still be… We would have to sell the top part of Michigan, like here’s the UP and here’s the bridge, and you come down and it’s just right there, you have to stop.

MR. JEN

For thirty miles.

JENNY

We would have to sell Michigan to Canada. Because I slapped you in the dick.

FADE OUT.

THE END

True Blood Tuesday S02E01 “Nothing But The Blood”

CW for talk of creepy Uncle Bertram. Here’s the file. Hit play when the HBO logo/sound fade.

Jenny Reads Fifty Shades Of Midnight Sun: Thursday, May 26, 2011, part one or “I don’t care how much tuition you paid! Don’t you dare enjoy your day!”

In Fifty Shades news, the movies have apparently wrapped principle filming. Did you hear about that? Neither did I. Does anyone else find it comforting that we’re not getting the breathless daily updates from mass media the way we did when the first one was filming? A few blogs have mentioned “anxiously awaiting” the next film, but I don’t see people being anywhere near as jazzed for it as they were for the first movie.

Anyway, let’s recap this.

We start the day in a dream. Christian Grey doesn’t have nightmares about being naked at school, or just plain confusing dreams about sentient plants or something like that. No, Christian Grey dreams exclusively of his childhood trauma and his frequently absent mother:

I’m hungry. I eat the cheese. There is cheese in the fridge. Cheese with blue fur.

This paragraph is all out of order. Put it in the correct order, like it’s a word puzzle. It’s lots of fun.

My favorite place is in my mommy’s closet. It smells of Mommy. It smells of Mommy when she’s happy.

American preschoolers aren’t likely to say, “it smells of”.  Anyway, the gist of this whole dream sequence is that he’s left alone a lot as a child.

I wake with a start.

Of course you do. There’s no other way to wake up in this series. Fifty Shades of Grey exists in an alternate universe where waking up is always an unexpected event, and people are routinely startled by it.

I hate my dreams.

That makes two of us.

My nightmares have recently become more frequent, and more vivid. I have no idea why. Damned Flynn–he’s not back until sometime next week.

So, I’m supposed to believe that Christian Grey is super smart, but he can’t make a pretty simple psychological link between his suddenly vivid memories and the fact that he’s obsessively stalking a woman who looks just like his mother? I mean, I’m no Dr. Flynn, but I feel like desperately wanting to bang someone who looks exactly like your mom might be something that’s been addressed by the psychiatric field.

So, how does Chedward deal with all of this? You know the answer to this one! Everybody sing along!

Go for a run, Grey.

Underline = italics.

So, he goes for a run, but of course it doesn’t help:

I know I’ll see her at the graduation ceremony.

But I can’t leave it.

Before my shower, I send her another text.

Call me.

I just need to know she’s safe.

Safety always seems to be the number one concern of some abusers. “I need you to drop everything you’re doing and call me right now, so I know you’re safe.” “I think I should go with you to [place or event], because it might not be safe.” “You don’t need to leave the house, it’s not safe.” “You can’t be friends with those people you’ve known all your life because they’re not safe.”

Safe is such an amazing word with its power to manipulate.

Chedward is going to be the speaker at graduation, but he’s sure that he’s going to see Ana. Like, yes, probably when she comes up to get her diploma, you will definitely for sure see her. But he’s banking on actually seeing her, speaking with her, probably about the contract, at her college graduation. She has so many other things to do and people to visit with, but he, a guy who doesn’t want anything from her except sexual submission, feels he’s entitled to take some of her time? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

After breakfast there’s still no word from Ana. To get her out of my head I work for a couple of hours on my commencement speech.

I want to make a dig about how he’s only just now working on the speech and the graduation is that morning, but it would be hypocritical of me to pretend like I’ve never scribbled notes on a half-finished presentation during that presentation. However, there’s still this lack of awareness that Ana could, on the morning on her college graduation, be preoccupied with things unrelated to him.

I shrug it off as I rewrite. Sam, my VP for publicity, has sent a draft that is way too pretentious for me.

Holy shit, how pretentious was it, then? I mean, if it was too pretentious for Christian Grey?

Nine thirty and still no word from Ana. Her radio silence is worrying–and frankly rude. I call, but her phone goes straight to a generic voice mail message.

I hang up.

Show some dignity, Grey.

I think dignity flew out the window after two emails and a text within two hours of her asking for space, then another text in the morning, but your mileage obviously varies.

I’m sorry, I still can’t get past this notion of Ana being rude for not responding to his barrage of demands for her attention on the morning of an important milestone in her life. She’s probably getting ready. She’s probably with friends and family. She’s probably excited that she’s graduating college. And you, the man who wants nothing more from her than just a fuck toy, think you should be her priority in that moment, merely because you want to be?

No wonder fans of the original series were disappointed in this one. It takes the man they viewed as a perfect, tortured romantic and reveals his “torture” to be lack of respect for another person’s boundaries. Christian Grey isn’t an emotional prisoner of his past, he’s an emotional prisoner of his own ego and the expectation that he is the main character of everyone else’s story.

He does get an email, but it’s not from Ana, it’s from Mia, his sister and the other suspiciously-named-after-the-”cute”-nickname-for-an-eating-disorder character in the book. Mia mentions Christian picking her up from the airport (which like, again…they’re a rich family, can’t they afford a car service?), and Christian’s new girlfriend.

Oh hell! My mother’s big mouth. Ana is not my girlfriend!

If she’s not your girlfriend, why do you think you’re such an important part of her life that you should take precedence over everything she does? Because you’re an egomaniacal little shit, that’s why, Chedward.

At 9:45 I get ready for the ceremony. Gray suit, white shirt, and of course that tie. It will be my subtle message to Ana that I haven’t given up, and a reminder of good times.

Right, the good time that you went to her apartment for sex after she gave you the brush off. What a good time, to have a man you’ve just said no to show up in your room demanding sex. And how totally not full of yourself you are, trying to make an important day in Ana’s life all about you and your sex wants.

This book would be so much better if someone set Christian Grey on fire.

A minor quibble here, and it’s something I’ve noticed in a lot of books. Hell, I might do it in my own without realizing. But the style with which times are noted seems to be all over the place. Earlier it was “nine thirty”, but here it’s “9:45″. This is something a copy editor needs to be on top of, so that it stays consistent. Writers should also be aware of it while they’re writing, but really, the copy editor is your last line of defense here.

Christian calls Ana again and is frustrated when he goes to voicemail again. Why doesn’t Ana break the fuck up with him? Seriously, why doesn’t she go out and get a PPO? If she’d been allowed to talk about any of this to Kate, or if she even valued Kate’s opinions in the first place, none of this would be happening.

Taylor shows up, they talk about Taylor’s daughter, and they discuss the Audi being delivered to Portland. Then they leave for the graduation ceremony. At the venue, this happens:

There, in the greenroom, academics, administrative staff, and a few students are having pre-graduation coffee. Among them, to my surprise, is Katherine Kavanagh.

“Hi, Christian,” she says, strutting toward me with the confidence of the well-heeled. She’s in her graduation gown and appears cheerful enough; surely she’s seen Ana.

Yes. It has nothing to do with the fact that she’s graduating from college, which is a huge achievement for most people. It’s definitely because she saw Ana.

“You seem baffled to see me here,” she says, ignoring my greeting and sounding a little affronted. “I’m valedictorian. Didn’t Elliot tell you?”

“No, he didn’t.” We’re not in each other’s pockets, for Christ’s sake. “Congratulations,” I add as a courtesy.

“Thank you.” Her tone is clipped.

Gee, I wonder why her tone would be clipped.

Christian asks if Ana got home the night before, and when Kate tells him basically, duh, of course she did, he thinks:

I’m relieved that Ana is in one piece, but pissed that she hasn’t replied to any of my messages.

The messages. Of course. There were, what? Five? Because I’ve honestly lost count. But you’re pissed that she hasn’t replied to any of your messages? Any of the five messages you’ve left her since 11 PM the night before her college graduation? What right have you to be pissed off about that?

In a moment of weakness I try Ana’s phone once more. It goes straight to voice mail, and I’m interrupted by Kavanagh. “I’m looking forward to your commencement address,” she says as we walk down the hallway.

They are on the way into the graduation ceremony. Ana is later revealed to be already in her seat in the auditorium. And he expects her to take his call.

It’s not an emergency.

She is in the middle of one of the most important milestones in her life.

And Christian Grey expects her to take his call.

Remember, he wants to talk to her so he can get her answer about whether or not she’ll be his weekend sub. After she asked him for space hours before. He wants her to drop everything on the day of her graduation to give him this answer, because he has decided she’s had enough space (while he relentlessly called and texted and emailed her) and time to make her choice.

I cannot emphasize enough how incredibly furious this entire set up makes me.

They go up on stage:

Once the chancellor begins his welcome address I’m able to scan the room. The front rows are filled with students, in identical black-and-red WSU robes. Where is she? Methodically I inspect each row.

There you are.

This reminds me of fanfics where Zayn will somehow spot the OC from the stage and instantly fall in love with her.

In the original book, Ana says she’s seated with other students whose names begin with S, but that she’s in the second row. I don’t know exactly how WSU does their commencement ceremonies, but I’m guessing that they have more than two or three rows full of people graduating. Also, the few commencement ceremonies I’ve been to, the students aren’t already seated when the chancellor and president come in. But that’s nitpicking.

She’s alive. I feel foolish for expending so much anxiety and energy on her whereabouts last night and this morning.

Is he resenting her for being alive?

Yes, I’ve found you. And you haven’t replied to my messages.

Again. You have sent. At least five messages. In twelve hours. Before her college graduation.

A bunch of the messages he sent were in the middle of the night or in the early morning, too. So if she had answered them, he would have just gotten mad that she wasn’t sleeping, anyway.

She’s avoiding me and I’m pissed.

It takes more than twelve hours to avoid someone!

Really pissed. Closing my eyes, I imagine dripping hot wax onto her breasts and her squirming beneath me.

Hey, what do you know, another bad Dom red flag. “I’m angry with you outside of a scene and I want to physically hurt you because of that anger, but that’s okay because it’s sexual.”

Nope. Run in the other direction, potential subs.

Kavanagh gives an inspiring address about embracing opportunities–yes, carpe diem, Kate,–and gets a rousing reception when she’s finished. She’s obviously smart and popular and confident. Not the shy and retiring wallflower that is the lovely Miss Steele. It really amazes me that these two are friends.

What kind of mental Slinky tangle do you need to make in order to neg on someone for positive qualities? Smart and popular and confident, yuck. Nothing “lovely” about a confident woman people respect, right?

Christian gives his speech, a longer version of what was presented in the first book. He ends with:

“I’ll leave you with a quote that has always resonated with me. And I’m paraphrasing a Native American saying: ‘Only when the last leaf has fallen, the last tree has died, and the last fish been caught will we realize that we cannot  eat money.’”

LET ME TELL YOU WHY THIS PASSAGE MADE ME THROW MY KINDLE ON THE FLOOR. First of all, that “Native American saying” is a quote attributed to Alanis Obomsawin, a Canadian filmmaker. It took me one Google search to find that out, from the first search result.

The second Google result is GoodReads, which ATTRIBUTES THE QUOTE TO E.L. JAMES.

So not only is “a Native American” given anonymous credit for the paraphrased quote when that credit belongs to a Native American who isn’t anonymous, readers who have their heads so far up their asses they can see the backs of their fucking teeth have decided that the brilliant mind who gave us “down there” and “I wake with a start” 98,000 times in a single fucking book came up with it.

Shut. It. Down.

As I sit down to rousing applause, I resist looking at Ana and examine the WSU banner hanging at the back of the auditorium. If she wants to ignore me, fine. Two can play at that game.

Two can play at what fucking game?! Are you kidding me?! Is the game “not calling in the middle of the night, when you’ll scold me for being awake,” or “not answering your call DURING MY COLLEGE GRADUATION?”

This is sick and disturbing. This is just a gross, gross book.

They start handing out degrees, in alphabetical order, which, again, I’ve never seen it done that way, but whatever. Maybe that’s what they do at WSU. Maybe they also let the commencement speaker hand out the degrees, because that’s what happens here:

“Congratulations, Miss Steele,” I say as I give Ana her degree. We shake hands, but I don’t let hers go. “Do you have a problem with your laptop?”

She looks perplexed. “No.”

“Then youare ignoring my e-mails?” I release her.

“I only saw the mergers and acquisitions one.”

What the hell does that mean?

Her frown deepens, but I have to let her go–there’s a line forming behind her.

OF FUCKING COURSE THERE’S A LINE FORMING BEHIND HER! Are you kidding me with this bullshit right now? There is NO TIME for this long ass conversation on stage during a graduation. They announce your name, you shake hands, you take your degree and you GO. If there is a line forming on stage, that’s calling attention to the fact that you’re standing there talking to Ana for a long ass amount of time. How embarrassing, and how dare you embarrass her on HER day! And you’ve now made her once-in-a-lifetime moment about your sexual wants. GREAT.

The thing that really horses my radish about this is that Christian is the one handing her the degree. It’s symbolic, even if it’s not meant to be, that she has nothing in her adult life that hasn’t involved him.

I’m in purgatory by the time we’ve reached the end of the line.

Purgatory is supposed to knock all the dings out of your soul so that you can go to heaven. As you have no soul, Chedward, I will assume that you will never be in purgatory for real and will instead be banished to the deepest fathoms of hell, where you will be forced to listen to this series on audiobook while watching the movie on a constant loop for all eternity.

I’ve been ogled, and had eyelashes batted at me, silly giggling girls squeezing my hand, and five notes with phone numbers pressed into my palm.

Oh no, girls squeezed your hand! It’s almost like they were, I don’t know, shaking it. The way you do when you get your degree. Interestingly enough, no guys did any of that to Chedward. If he’s so powerfully, magnetically attractive, why aren’t dudes lining up to bang him?

In the corridor, I grab Kavanagh’s arm. “I need to speak to Ana. Can you find her? Now.”

Kavanagh is taken aback, but before she can say anything I add, in as polite a tone as I can manage, “Please.”

Her lips thin with disapproval, but she waits with me as the academics file past and then returns to the auditorium.

Gosh, I wonder why she would look at you with anything resembling disapproval. You only physically grabbed her, then barked an order at her, then had to “manage” a polite tone.

Why do women love this guy? He is a super mega weapons grade shit weasel. Christian Grey is the literary equivalent of accidentally putting your hand on cold semen in a gas station bathroom. Christian Grey is the human version of medical waste being dumped on a playground. Why are we supposed to be manipulating our genitals in a self-pleasuring way to this dude?

Kate finds Ana:

Ignoring her, I take Ana’s elbow and lead her through the first door I find. It’s a men’s locker room, and from the fresh smell I can tell it’s empty. Locking the door, I turn to face Miss Steele. “Why haven’t you e-mailed me? Or texted me back?” I demand.

He takes her into a room and locks the door so she can’t leave. So. Fucking. Romantic.

Hey, let’s look at it from Ana’s perspective in Fifty Shades of Grey, shall we?

“Thank you,” he says, and before she can reply, he takes my elbow and steers me into what looks like a men’s locker room. He checks to see if it’s empty, and then he locks the door.

Holy shit, what does he have in mind? I blink up at him as he turns on me.

“Why haven’t you e-mailed me? Or texted me back?” He glares. I’m nonplussed.

Wow, she seems so not-threatened by him, doesn’t she?

Meanwhile, in Grey:

“I haven’t looked at my computer today, or my phone.” She seems genuinely bewildered by my outburst.

No shit? Because she realizes that it’s unusual for people to do so when they’ve got other shit going on.

How can she not have checked her phone or e-mail.

Because–let’s all say it again, like we mean it–

IT’S HER FUCKING COLLEGE GRADUATION.

I close my eyes. All this time I thought she didn’t want to talk to me. “I’ve been worried about you.”

“Worried, why?”

“Because you went home in that deathtrap you call a car.”

And I thought I’d blown the deal between us.

How. How on earth could someone write such a perfect, text book depiction of an abuser, from inside an abuser’s head? How could James have looked at all the criticism of her series, thrown that huge Twitter tantrum about it–anybody remember “READ THE BOOK!”?–and then turn around and prove every single critic right? Remember when we read the first books, and every time Christian would say he was worried about Ana, I would be like, no, you’re not worried about her, you’re worried about not getting to fuck her? Right here we have confirmation, from inside his own head, that Christian Grey is not worried about Ana being safe. He’s worried about Ana being available.

Ana bristles. “What? It’s not a deathtrap. It’s fine. José regularly services it for me.”

“José, the photographer?” This just gets better and fucking better.

Further proves my point. If Christian truly cared about Ana’s safety, he would be pleased that someone takes care of her car and that it’s not a deathtrap. Instead, it sounds like he’d be happier if her car was unsafe, just as long as no other man is around her.

This is not addressing the fucking elephant in the room.

“Anastasia, I need an answer from you. This waiting around is driving me crazy.”

You have been waiting less than twenty-four hours.

I have never in my life wanted so much to cause physical harm to a fictional character. Not even Theon Greyjoy.

What the fuck is it with “Grey” and “Stupid Dick” that they go hand-in-hand in fiction?

Chedward tells Ana that he wants her answer by tomorrow, and she tells him he’ll have it then. He tells Ana he wants to meet her stepdad, which is like, come on, dude. You don’t want her to meet your family, but you want her to introduce you to her stepdad? Whatever.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” she says darkly, as I unlock the door.

What? Why? Is this because she now knows I was dirt-poor as a kid? Or because she knows how I like to fuck? That I’m a freak?

Oh wow, now we’re just gonna call it like E.L. James and her readership and the guy who plays Christian Grey in the movies really see it, huh? BDSM is for freaks. Be ashamed.

Why the fuck does Christian think that’s going to come up in conversation with Ana’s dad, anyway? That doesn’t even make sense. I have never once in my entire life had a conversation about my sexual preferences with my family. I even came out as bisexual in a passive-aggressive Facebook post. I would say that most people do not introduce their partners to their family with, “This is my new romantic partner, and they like to spank me.”

Also, the whole thing about her knowing that you grew up poor? You’re the richest bagazilljillionaire in the world, so why the fuck would that be a negative? Also, her dad already knows. He was in the audience.

I open the door and follow her out but stop when I reach the chancellor and his colleagues. As one they turn and stare at Miss Steele, but she’s disappearing into the auditorium. They turn back to me.

Miss Steele and I are none of your business, people.

Considering they just saw you come out of a locker room with a newly graduated student, yeah, it kind of is their business. Maybe they won’t have you back as a commencement speaker if they think you’re banging chicks in the locker room after your speech.

HA HA just kidding. They’re a university and he’s giving them money. He could have fucked a giraffe on stage and they would still kiss his ass. They’d have held the damn stepladder.

Christian hob knobs with the important people before going to find Ana again. Kate asks him if he’s going to bring Ana to dinner at his parents’ house on Sunday, but their conversation gets interrupted:

I spot Ana.

What the fuck?

A tall blond guy who looks as if he’s walked off a beach in California has his hands all over her.

So, in Christian’s perspective, this guy is pawing her. This is what happens in Ana’s POV in Fifty Shades of Grey:

“Ana!” I turn, and Ethan Kavanagh scoops me into his arms. He twirls me around, without spilling my wine–some feat.

“Congratulations!” He beams down at me, green eyes twinkling.

What a surprise. His dirty blond hair is tousled and sexy. He’s as beautiful as Kate. The family resemblance is striking.

In her POV, Ana is not only happy to see Ethan, but she doesn’t mind him touching her or being near her. They go on to have a friendly, enthusiastic conversation.

I should note that her description of Ethan and the conversation that follows it is probably the healthiest interaction with a man that Ana has in the entire series.

Anyway, back to Grey. Kate introduces Christian to Ana’s stepdad as Ana’s boyfriend:

We shake hands; his grip is firm, and his fingers and palm are rough to the touch. This man works with his hands. Then I remember–he’s a carpenter.

A carpenter, and definitely not, under any circumstances, the chief of police in Forks, Washington.

Then Kat introduces Christian to her brother:

I mutter his name as we shake hands, noting that they are soft, unlike Ray Steele’s.

This part is so great, because it perfectly highlights Chedward’s lack of self-awareness. He’s making a moral judgement here that Ethan is a bad guy because his hands are soft and he’s taking too many physical liberties with Ana. But Chedward touches Ana all the time himself, and how rugged and manly and calloused are his palms? The only work we’ve seen him do is talk on the phone and fire some people.

Rather than actually peeing on Ana to mark his territory, Christian chooses to play along with the “I’m her boyfriend” angle.

“Ana, baby,” I whisper, holding out my hand, and like the good woman she is, she steps into my embrace.

Like the good woman she is.

LIKE THE GOOD WOMAN SHE IS.

She’s discarded her graduation robe and wears a pale gray halter-neck dress, exposing her flawless shoulders and back.

Two dresses in two days. She’s spoiling me.

Or (and I understand why this may be difficult to believe), she wore a dress because it’s a kind of formal occasion and it has nothing to do with you or what she thinks you’ll like. In fact, Ana might (and this is entirely hypothetical) have a life that goes

Christian and Ray talk about fishing, which is totally because Ray is a very original and not-at-all-ripped-off Twilight character, while Ana talks to Kate. In Fifty Shades of Grey, Ana is talking to Kate about Kate calling Christian her boyfriend, and the fishing talk is just a footnote. I think she says something like, “they go off, talking fish”. Something like that. Now, from Chedward’s point of view. we have to read the entire fishing conversation, including a mention of José, giving us another opportunity to read about Chedward’s jealousy.

Oh, and again, just because this is totally not ripped off from Twilight:

“Sure do. Annie’s friend José, his father, and I sneak out as often as we can.”

Yup, good old CharlieRay, just fishing with Bella’sAna’s friend JacobJosé and BillyJosé’s dad.

I know that we all know the stolen roots of this story by now, but I can’t help but continually point them out. Stephenie Meyer deserves justice.

Anyway, Ray tells Christian that Ana is a “gentle soul” as a warning, and Kate and Ana come back. Ray goes off to the bathroom, a photographer gets a picture of Ana and Christian together,  and then Christian decides that the reception for Ana’s graduation, with her family and friends and other people she knows circulating in the crowd, is a great time to try to seduce her:

With my fingers, I trace the rosy flush that appears on her cheek. “Oh, I wish I knew what you were thinking, Anastasia.” When my fingers reach her chin I tilt my head back so I can scrutinize her expression. She stills and stares back at me, her pupils darkening.

They banter about the tie during this, but I’m skipping it.

“You look lovely, Anastasia. This halter-neck dress suits you, and I get to stroke your back and feel your beautiful skin.”

Her lips part and her breath hitches, and I can feel the pull of the attraction between us.

“You know it’s going to be good, don’t you baby?” My voice is low, betraying my longing.

Seriously. They are in a room full of people doing this shit. And there’s a photographer roaming around. Remember how later in the series, he’s furious about the paparazzi that stalk him for no realistic reason?

Ana tells him that she knows the sex would be good, but she wants more than just that. He tells her it’s not going to happen, and this is the moment when Ana settles. She tells him she’ll try the submission thing.

In Fifty Shades of Grey, Ana feels this way about the interaction:

I gasp, and I’m Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he’s the serpent, and I cannot resist.

So, whatever.

Ray comes back.

Reluctantly, I release her. I’m on top of the world!

Deal done, Grey!

Then, Ray invites Christian to go get lunch with them.

For a moment I’m tempted, but Ana’s anxious glance in my direction says, Please, no. She wants alone time with her dad. I get it.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We’re supposed to believe that Christian Grey knows what it means for someone to need space and “alone time”. Like we don’t all know that if Ana hadn’t given him the answer right then he would have gone to lunch to strong arm her into accepting his proposal.

We’re going to break right here, because it’s another thirty-plus page chapter I’m going to have to dissolve into smaller chunks in a bathtub full of acid in the basement.

True Blood Tuesday S01E12 “You’ll Be The Death Of Me”

I have been having a KILLER Fibromyalgia flare, so my brain is foggy and very medicated. Good luck, everybody!

Download the mp3 here and press play when the HBO logo and sound fade out.

Let’s Get High and Watch Labyrinth

When I asked for suggestions for which movie to watch for a “Let’s Get High Movie Night”, over 50% of responses were for Labyrinth. This is one of my all-time favorite movies, but for some people the implied sexuality between David Bowie and a very young Jennifer Connelly is unnerving or uncomfortable. Since teen sexuality is so often discussed with regards to this movie, I talk about that at length. That’s why I’m going to label this with a CW for things relating to teen sexuality that might make CSA survivors uncomfortable.

LET’S GET HIGH AND WATCH LABYRINTH

  As always, cannabis consumption is optional, and you should definitely follow your local laws. Download the mp3 here and start when the movie starts and the first title card comes up (it says Henson Associates, Inc and Lucas Film LTD present).

Got an idea for a Let’s Get High And Watch Movie Night? Drop it in the form below:

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