Greg Levin's Blog, page 13

A Horoscope For Fiction Writers

​I’ve always believed astrology to be totally bunk, but the stars and planets recently aligned in such a way as to compel me to create the following Horoscope for Fiction Writers:
 
 
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Aquarius. You are progressive-minded, original and independent, which means you will produce brilliant works of fiction that earn you next to nothing. This is really a shame, too, as you are also a humanitarian and would have used much of your wealth to help those in need, like refugees, orphans and other Aquarius authors.   
 
Pisces. Your artistic nature and desire to escape reality make you an ideal candidate to be a novelist; however, your trustful nature and gentleness make you an ideal candidate to get completely screwed over by your agent and publisher. You despise being criticized and cannot tolerate any kind of cruelty, thus it’s probably a good idea to forget about writing and get a job as a Disney theme park character.
 
Aries. Your courage, confidence and determination are vital traits that will eventually land you the big book deal you’ve always dreamed of. Unfortunately, due to your severe dislike of inactivity and delays, there’s a 99-percent chance you will end up murdering at least three people at your publishing house while awaiting the release of your debut novel. The silver lining, though, is that a triple murder can do wonders for book sales, meaning you will likely end up just as wealthy as your meth kingpin cellmate.       
 
Taurus. You are highly practical, which makes it hard for you to write about zombies, vampires, werewolves, wizards, distant worlds or anything else that appeals to readers. And though your books won’t sell, your patience and stubbornness will keep you churning out fiction until the day your spouse kills you for refusing to write a book about a zombie vampire wizard from outer space.
 
Gemini. Your aversion to being alone, being confined and following a routine means you have about as much chance of making it as a writer as Mel Gibson has at becoming a rabbi. However, you are highly adaptable and will soon realize your best bet at becoming an author is to date a Pisces, steal their book idea and identity, and then have them killed or sent to North Dakota.
 
Cancer. You have all the makings of a big-time novelist – tenacity, imagination, passion – but your dislike of strangers will cause you to occasionally spit on people at book signings. Naturally, this will make you increasingly unpopular with readers and compel you to seek Jonathan Franzen’s advice on how to deal with hate mail and death threats. 
 
Leo. Your success as a fiction writer is almost guaranteed – not by your inherent strengths, but rather by your inherent weaknesses (arrogance, self-centeredness, stubbornness) and dislikes (being ignored, facing reality, not being treated like a king or queen). While your future is indeed bright, you will need to work hard to stifle your natural cheerfulness, a trait that could seriously jeopardize your chances of being accepted by the literary elite.
 
Virgo. Sorry Virgo. Due to your analytical, practical and kind nature, the only way you will succeed as a novelist is if you undergo electroshock therapy, get a lobotomy, or become possessed by fellow Virgo Stephen King. Unfortunately for you, Mr. King is legally still alive, thus you would have to wait for him to die and then hope he picks you to possess. Please note there is currently a very long waiting list.
 
Libra. You are cooperative, gentle and gracious, which means your only option as an author is to write children’s books. While kids and young parents will adore you, authors of adult fiction will not, so don’t be surprised when they don’t let you sit with them at writers’ conferences or when they tease you for being able to make a living off your books. Your only notable weakness is indecisiveness, thus you may very well suffer a mental breakdown while trying to choose whether to write your next book about a bunny or a kangaroo that lost its hop.    
 
Scorpio. You are passionate, distrusting, sexual and violent. These four traits alone already rank you among the greatest writers of this or any generation despite the fact that you’ve yet to complete a book. If you can find a way to tone down your love of truth and facts, you’re a shoe-in for the short list of every major literary award in existence.   
 
Sagittarius. Forget about being a writer. Your tendency to promise more than you can deliver and to say whatever is on your mind regardless of how it makes others feel should make you seriously consider becoming a literary agent instead. Of course, your disdain for clingy people and off-the-wall ideas could make working with authors a bit problematic, but at least you will have no problem telling them to their face how annoying and crazy they are while still assuring them you’ll find a good publisher for their ridiculous book.    
 
Capricorn. You are a condescending know-it-all who always expects the worse, which is why I personally think we should be best friends. As for a writing career, you show real promise. Your dislike of everything means you could easily write page after page of emotionally charged content on virtually any topic, except for positive thinking. Despite your own potential, you will marry a Cancer and use his or her success and connections to pave the way to getting a huge book deal.
 
 
NOTE: There is no doubt each of the horoscope entries above is 100-percent accurate. If yours doesn’t closely describe you and your experiences up till this point in your life as an author, it’s certain your parents lied about when you were born.      

If I Could Write New Realities

I often fantasize about having the power to change the fabric of reality through writing. Fixing the world through fiction. I’m not talking merely about writing a novel that inspires humans to do better and stop posting cat videos. I’m talking about creating true magic with words, where what’s written on the page actually happens – instantly… or at least after a little sober editing. I certainly wouldn’t want reality duplicating something I wrote right after my fourth whiskey.
 
We’ve all at some point privately played the “If I could snap my fingers” game. What I’m describing is sort of the literary equivalent – thinking about what the world needs, or, more importantly, what I really want, then tapping it out on the keyboard to make it so. Oh, the problems I could solve. The peace I could achieve. The millions I could make.
 
So, what exactly would I write about if I were suddenly bestowed with the power to dictate reality via fiction? The following five novels would be tops on my to-do list:
 
1) Hands Free.  A global virus destroys all cell phones and tablets, and forces human beings to relearn how to engage with the people sitting three feet away from them, as well as how to accelerate immediately after a traffic light turns green. Naturally, many people struggle to adjust, creating a huge opportunity for the homeless and the Amish, who end up getting filthy rich consulting to the general public on how to survive without personal digital devices.
 
2) Alla We Need Is Love. During a peace summit in Jerusalem, leaders from all factions of Islam, Judaism and Christianity realize they have a lot in common when a lunch of hummus, couscous, tabouli and falafel is served and everyone asks for seconds. Soon, everybody at the summit is eating and drinking and laughing together – poking fun at themselves and how much time and energy they’ve wasted trying to totally annihilate one another. It then dawns on them that they should band together and go after the North Koreans, as well as anyone anywhere who changes lanes or turns without signaling.
 
3) Disarmed. A giant meteor crashes into the middle of the US, killing no one but sending shock waves that alter the entire country’s collective brain chemistry and love of guns. The strange effects are noticed immediately after the meteor’s impact, as NRA members, violent criminals and public school students all suddenly lose interest in shooting anything or anyone and instead become obsessed with art, literature, philanthropy and Sudoku.      
 
4) Scripture This. Jesus returns to earth in his spaceship to school his modern-day “devout” followers on the true meaning of his teachings. Unfortunately, his spaceship lands smack dab in the middle of The Bible Belt, where a mob of Evangelicals assume he is just a homeless terrorist based on his appearance and thus try to kill him. This pisses Jesus off. Instead of him following through with his plan to calmly show the people how to be more loving, forgiving, gentle, charitable and humble, he opens up a god-like can of whoop-ass – setting fire to all the stadium-sized mega-churches in the region and afflicting all the hate-mongering racists and homophobes with a super-strain of syphilis. Before departing, he creates a new bumper sticker that quickly becomes all the rage: “What would Jesus do? Now you know, biatch.”     
 
5) The New Ballers. Soon after the first female President of the Unite States is elected, she flashes Congress her breasts to distract them while she enacts a law prohibiting any professional athlete from earning more than $40,000 a year. The billions of dollars this frees up is then split evenly among teachers, social workers, farmers, nurses, non-profit employees, stay-at-home parents, and, of course, authors.
 
 
Which of the above titles would you be most likely to read? Which one(s) would you be most likely to burn? Which one(s) just got me uninvited to Christmas dinner? Share in the ‘Comments’ section below.

Things Fiction Writers Say (And What They Really Mean)

While it’s recommended the general public avoid engaging in discourse with fiction writers (for safety reasons), it simply isn’t possible to avoid all interactions with them – especially since so many fiction writers today are working as waiters and telemarketers.
 
In the event you find yourself face-to-face or phone-to-phone with a fiction writer, the most important thing to remember is he or she is full of sh*t. Fiction writers’ entire lives are built on a foundation of fantasy and fabrications. However, that doesn’t mean your conversations with them can’t be rich and meaningful. To help you, I’ve put together an FWTG (or “Fiction Writer Translation Guide” for those of you who aren’t familiar with the acronym I just made up). The FWTG contains a list of common phrases used by fiction writers in everyday conversation, along with what these writers really mean when they use them.
 
Following are a few excerpts from the FWTG, the full version of which is due out never.  
 
 "I'm an author."
Translation: “Ask me about my book(s), then go buy my book(s).”
 
"I'm an indie author."
Translation: “I've been rejected by over 100 literary agents. Still, you should go buy my self-published book(s).”
 
“I’m a full-time author.”
Translation: “I have a trust fund, so it doesn’t really matter if you buy my books.”
 
"I'm really excited about this new novel I'm working on."
Translation: “I've got a killer title and am just waiting for the rest to come to me."
 
"Sales of my novel have been steady."
Translation: “My mother got three members of her bridge club to buy my book last month.”
 
"I’m taking a little break from my manuscript to let the story ripen in my mind."
Translation: “I recently started binge-watching every show on Hulu and Netflix.”
 
"A few literary agents have shown interest in my manuscript."
Translation: “One agent sent me a personalized rejection note rather than just a form letter.”
 
"Hi, it's been a while – how have you been?"
Translation: “Have you bought my latest book yet?”
 
"Oh, you liked my book? That's very kind of you to say."
Translation: “Don't just tell me, write a review on Amazon.”
 
"Sorry, I won't be able to make it. I'll be working on my novel that night."
Translation: “I don’t really like you and would sooner lie about working on my novel than hang out with you.”
 
"People have compared my style to Hemingway's."
Translation: “I'm often drunk.”
 
"My latest book is going to be a best seller."
Translation: “I'm drunk right now.”
 
"I'm in between projects."
Translation: “I'm suffering from writer's block and am currently contemplating suicide, or getting a job in retail.”
 
“I wrote two thousand words today.”
Translation: “Tomorrow I’ll be deleting all the nonsense I typed today.”
 
“I have an award-winning novel.”
Translation: “I own a copy of ‘Life of Pi.”
 
“I’ve never really liked [name of mutual acquaintance].”
Translation: “I’m going to kill [name of mutual acquaintance] in my next book.”
 
“Writing is my life.”
Translation: “I’m severely lacking in social skills.”
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That’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed the above post. Feel free to wander around the rest of my website. (Translation: “I need a drink. If you didn’t laugh out loud while reading this piece, there’s something wrong with you. Now go buy my book before I come after you.”)

10 Rip-Roaring Writing Prompts For Aspiring Authors

If you’ve ever wanted to try your hand at writing a novel, or if you’re an author who’s simply out of ideas, you might actually want to read this post.
 
I’m giving away story openings for free. Why? Because my head is flooded with them and I need to unload some to make room in my brain for more important things, like how to make a proper Vodka Collins, or remembering where the hell I left my car keys.   
 
Some may wonder why I don’t just save all the story openings for myself in case I want to use them eventually. Don’t worry, I have an exceedingly hyperactive mind that generates new novel openings and ideas every minute I’m awake, and every second I’m asleep. In fact, I just came up with the first two openings listed below while writing this sentence.
 
So feel free to grab one of the following rip-roaring writing prompts and add just a few hundred pages to it. We can talk about what percentage of your royalties I’m entitled to later, after your novel becomes a best seller. You’re welcome!
      
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1) As he was finishing up a lap in the pool, Zack heard a loud splash in front of him and smelled gasoline. He looked and saw his red Samsonite suitcase in flames, bobbing on the surface of the water. That’s when he knew it was over.

2) “I’ll take one chocolate-dipped and one maple-glazed.” These were the first words I’d spoken in seven years.

3) The groom looked at his lovely bride lying prone at the altar and asked himself, “Why is it nobody ever has a snake venom kit at these things?” 

4) There’s a time for laughter and a time for dying. For Evelyn, it was a time for both.  

5) “I don’t recall stealing any helicopters,” Angel told the detective. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must tend to the goats.” 

6) “You have absolutely no reason to worry about exposure to the toxic chemicals unleashed by the explosion,” the stranger in the black Bentley told Carmichael. “You’ve been dead for three days.” 

7) Benjamin got out of the minivan to fill it with gas and smiled through the window at the little boy in the back seat. It wasn’t until he’d swiped his debit card and inserted the pump nozzle into the fuel tank that Benjamin remembered he didn’t have any kids. Nor did he own a minivan. 

8) My sister was a real son-of-a-bitch back when she was my brother. 

9) Chloe stepped onto her balcony, careful not to spill her tea, and inhaled the glorious morning. “Garrett,” she called back into the bedroom, “come join me. Don’t you just love it when the moon and the earth appear in the sky at the same time?”  

10) “You really want to know how my sister ended up President of the United States and I ended up in here?” Xanthia asked the woman in the damp cell next to hers. “It’s simple. I lost a coin toss.”
 
 
That’s all of my story starters for now. It’s time for you to take one (or two, you magnificently ambitious bastard) and run with it. Or if you prefer, you can share one of your own rip-roaring story openings in the “Comments” section below. 

Weird Stuff I Do As A Writer

Some may call this piece a confessional. Others may call it a cry for help. I call it Bernadette. I like to name all of my blog posts.
 
That's just one of the freaky things I do as a writer. There are many more.
 
That shouldn’t come as a total shock. A massive study on mental illness and creativity by renowned psychiatrist Dr. Arnold Ludwig found that nearly 80 percent of fiction writers are out of their f*cking minds. (I’m paraphrasing, of course. What Dr. Ludwig actually concluded from the study was that 80 percent of fiction writers are crazier than a bag of rabid wolverines.)
 
I guess the fact that I’m aware of my odd writer habits and idiosyncrasies means I mustn’t be too loony. Still, it probably isn’t safe for me to stop channeling my deceased former therapist for weekly sessions just yet.
 
Enough of this nonsense. Following is a list of some of the weird stuff I do as a writer:
 
Book-on-book action. I like to take a copy of one of my own novels, slide it between two really famous novels on my bookshelf, and then just sit back and take it all in. Sometimes I’ll even place my novel on top of a classic. There’s nothing sexual about it; it’s just fun to see The Exit Man acting like it belongs in the same company as The Brothers Karamazov and The Sun Also Rises. I get off on it. So, I guess there is something sexual about it. Maybe tonight I’ll slide The Exit Man between something by Zadie Smith and something by Clarice Lispector.
 
Post-it Note mania. Be it an idea for a whole new novel or just a tidbit to add to an existing one, when anything writing-related pops into my head, it immediately gets written down on a Post-it Note and stuck to my writing desk or some object lying on it, such as my printer, lamp or cat. (I realize it would make more sense to jot down such ideas and notes in a Word doc or in the ‘Notes’ app on my iPhone, but I’ve always found making sense to be overrated. It’s why I’m a fiction writer.) To make sure my cleaning lady doesn’t remove any of the dozens of yellow sticky notes on or around my writing desk, and doesn’t steal any of the ideas on the sticky notes, I’ve had her sign a “consent not to clean” form for that area of my house, as well as a non-disclosure agreement.
 
Killing you softly. Whenever I have to name a character who is going to die painfully in whatever book I’m working on, I’ll think back to the people who’ve picked on me or pissed me off the most in my life, or that morning, and voilà. I use only their first name to protect the person’s identity, and myself from a lawsuit. If it’s a highly unique first name – one that I feel would too easily reveal the character’s namesake – I’ll use some variation of the name. Like if Cher ever really insulted or irked me, I’d name the doomed character “Cheryl” or, if the character happened to be a stripper, Cherry.
 
Increasingly frequent positive reinforcement. Unlike with more traditional jobs, being an author means you have no real boss to provide you with incentives and rewards. Sure, hearing from readers is positive reinforcement in itself, but that’s assuming you have readers and that they like your work. It’s a big if. To ensure I get the reinforcement I need, I give myself little treats whenever I achieve certain goals and objectives. The trouble is, I’ve found I’ve lowered the bar a bit in recent years. Where I used to allow myself a light snack or a cocktail if I wrote a thousand words in one sitting, now I allow myself to eat a whole rotisserie chicken and down half a fifth of vodka just for completing a single paragraph containing fewer than five typos. The other day I properly used the word “nonplussed” in my manuscript and ended up having to see my chiropractor for injuries sustained while patting myself on the back too enthusiastically.              
 
Barnes & Giggle. Okay, I haven’t yet done this one, but I’ve considered it, which is weird enough. Here’s how it would go: I’d bring a copy of my own novel into a Barnes & Noble (which doesn’t carry my book on its shelves; only online) and start laughing hysterically as I pretended to read it in a crowded area, like near the chocolate caramel tarts in the café. Upon seeing me so uncontrollably entertained, several people would end up asking me, “Whatcha reading?” Not wanting to be rude, I’d tell them the title and mention that I got the last copy in the store (“This book is just flying off the shelves!”), but I’d point out they can get the customer service clerk to order them their own copy, and that not doing so would be a great disservice to themselves. This would be a risky and humiliating venture were I a well-known author who someone might recognize. Fortunately, my writing has earned me little to no fame and thus nobody would have any clue who the hell I am.
 
 
If, after reading this post, you’re thinking, "This stuff isn't all that weird," then I'm afraid I have some bad news for you: You're a writer.  

My 25 Favorite Quotes About Reading

A few months ago, I posted a piece titled “My 25 Favorite Quotes About Writing.” I’ve deluded myself into thinking thousands of you enjoyed that post and are now hungry for more heady, witty quotes from dead people (mostly).
 
This time around, however, the focus of the quotes is on reading rather than writing. I figured this would have an even broader appeal than the previous post, seeing as how almost everybody is a reader (of sorts), while – based on the spelling and grammar I see in tweets and Facebook posts – only about 0.083 percent of people are writers.
 
Sorry, that last line was uncalled for. But then again, so is the existence of my entire blog.
 
So, without further insults or hostility, here are 25 of my favorite quotes about reading: 
  
​
1) “There's so much more to a book than just the reading.”  –Maurice Sendak
 
2) “There are perhaps no days of our childhood we lived so fully as those we spent with a favorite book.”  –Marcel Proust
 
3) “The reading of all good books is like a conversation with the finest minds of past centuries.”  –Rene Descartes
 
4) “He that loves reading has everything within his reach.”  –William Godwin
 
5) “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”  –Jerry Seinfield
 
6) "The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go."  –Dr. Seuss
 
7) “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”  –Henny Youngman
 
8) “We shouldn't teach great books; we should teach a love of reading.”  –B. F. Skinner
 
9) “Reading furnishes the mind only with materials of knowledge; it is thinking that makes what we read ours.”  –John Locke
 
10) “Who I am, what I am, is the culmination of a lifetime of reading, a lifetime of stories. And there are still so many more books to read. I'm a work in progress.”  –Sarah Addison Allen
 
11) “Never judge a book by its movie.” –J.W. Eagan
 
12) "A book, too, can be a star, explosive material, capable of stirring up fresh life endlessly, a living fire to lighten the darkness, leading out into the expanding universe." –Madeleine L'Engle
 
13) "If the crowns of all the kingdoms of Europe were laid down at my feet in exchange for my books and my love of reading, I would spurn them all." –François Fénelon
 
14) “Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.” – Mason Cooley
 
15) "The first time I read an excellent book, it is to me just as if I had gained a new friend. When I read over a book I have perused before, it resembles the meeting with an old one." –Oliver Goldsmith
 
16) "No entertainment is so cheap as reading, nor any pleasure so lasting."  –Lady M. W. Montagu
 
17) “Children are made readers on the laps of their parents.” –Emilie Buchwald
 
18) “Once you learn to read, you will be forever free.” –Frederick Douglass
 
19) “Through literacy you can begin to see the universe. Through music you can reach anybody. Between the two there is you, unstoppable.” –Grace Slick
 
20) “Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.” –Groucho Marx
 
21) “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” –Groucho Marx
 
22) “Reading is a discount ticket to everywhere.” –Mary Schmich
 
23) “A writer only begins a book. A reader finishes it.”  –Samuel Johnson
 
24) “Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.”  –P.J. O'Rourke
 
25) “You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.”  –Ray Bradbury
 
 
How about you? Yeah, you. Do you have a favorite quote (or two) about reading that you’d like to share? (Don’t worry if you can’t think of one off the top of your head; you can just google “great quotes about reading” and you’ll find a ton. That’s all I did.)​

The Author Did It: Why I May One Day Be Accused Of Murder

As an author of dark fiction, I’ve learned a thing or three about how to cleverly and discreetly kill a person. I’ve written about these things in vivid detail for public consumption. I'm in the midst of writing my third novel, and I’m already responsible for nearly two dozen murders in it. And in my last book, The Exit Man, even more people than that died at my writing hand.
 
If anything ever were to happen to my beloved wife or beautiful daughter or loving parents or a close friend, and foul play was suspected, I would be absolutely devastated. I’d likely also be a prime suspect, especially if the real culprit did a bang-up job and left behind no evidence.
 
Many people who’ve read The Exit Man (oh just let me pretend many people have read it) have joked with my wife, saying things like, “I hope Greg knows that if you die, the cops will be coming after him.” Don’t worry, I know. I’ve even thought about sending a copy of the novel to the police with a note stating, “This is a work of fiction. Any homicide that may occur to anyone I know and that resembles a homicide in this or any other book I write is purely coincidental and highly unfortunate.” You know, a sort of preemptive strike proclaiming my innocence.
 
Some may wonder, based on my penchant for transgressive fiction, if I really am all that innocent. Why am I constantly hunting people down and rubbing them out on the written page? Is that not a sign of a potentially dangerous man? No, it’s not. It’s the sign of a man who lacks the bravado and resolve to perform the same dastardly acts he has his imaginary friends carry out. I keep telling my wife that, but it doesn’t stop her from occasionally sleeping in the other room.
   
I realize I have only myself and my muse to blame for my predicament, but that won’t stop me from asking for a little mercy. If you are reading this and are even the slightest bit homicidal, I kindly ask that you leave my friends and loved ones alone. I just don’t think I could handle both the emotional devastation AND the legal hassle, not to mention the potential damage to my reputation as a writer of fiction. In fact, if you feel you simply have to commit murder, please don’t do it anywhere near me or anyone I know – just to be on the safe side.

Getting The Rejection Letter You Deserve

Literary agents and publishers receive so many queries and submissions from writers these days, most have stopped sending out even the shortest, most impersonal written rejection notices.
 
Before lucking out and finding a publisher for my debut novel back in 2011, I considered a formal rejection letter to be a significant victory. To not be fully ignored by the literary “powers that be” is positively enthralling and life affirming, especially in today’s ridiculously competitive publishing environment. Knowing that an agent or publisher cares enough to take the time to inform you personally that there is no way in hell they’ll be requesting additional pages or accepting your novel is certainly cause for celebration.

To help other writers in their endeavor to get properly rejected, I’m providing the “Request for a Formal Rejection Letter” I used to (pretend) to send out to literary agents. Writers who use this (or some similar) letter will soon find their mailbox and/or inbox full of “thank you, but no” notifications from some of the most important people in the publishing world.
 

Dear (name of literary agent or publisher),

I am contacting you today to see if you might consider my manuscript worthy of a formal rejection.

I realize that hundreds upon hundreds of unsolicited works come across your desk or enter your inbox each month, and that you couldn’t possibly take the time to provide each author with an official rejection notice. However, I think once you read the clever title and first two finely crafted sentences of my tragicomic novel before tossing the manuscript into the bin, you will agree that my work cannot be completely overlooked and indeed deserves to be spurned in writing.

Naturally, my dream is that my literary prowess will compel you – or at least the intern who brings you coffee – to send me a personalized rejection note that includes the full title of my book. However, I realize that such an honor is typically reserved only for writers on their second or third novel and suicide attempt. Therefore, I would be more than happy to simply receive from you a standard form rejection letter printed out crookedly on the thinnest office paper available.

I will fully understand if you decide to pretend that you never received this query letter and submission. I can only imagine how busy you must be helping aspiring novelists develop severe self-esteem issues and question the meaning of their existence. If you feel strongly that my work does not merit a single iota of your attention – let alone a full rejection notice – all I ask is that you at least not intentionally spit or excrete on my manuscript prior to incinerating it. At the risk of sounding pompous, I do think I deserve that much respect.

Thank you very much in advance for your time and attention, and for not hiring an assassin to ensure that I never submit any of my literary work to you again.

Regards,

(Your pseudonym here)
 

If you enjoyed this, you may also like the “Rejection Letter for Rejecting a Rejection Letter” I posted a while back. If you did NOT enjoy this, you're probably a literary agent or a publisher. 

"Without Reads" -- A Rap For Book Lovers

Like every other white author in his mid-forties, I frequently feel compelled to rap. I used to do it live for friends and acquaintances – at parties, weddings, funerals, the supermarket – but I decided to stop after they all got together and begged me to during a recent intervention.

They never said anything about rapping in written form, though, so I’m assuming it’s allowed. (I got away with it in a previous blog post, anyway.)

And with that, I bring you my latest literary hip-hop concoction – a rap that Eminem himself likely would have written had he developed the same love of reading as he did for homophobia and misogyny.   


“Without Reads” (to the tune of Eminem’s hit rap song, “Without Me”)
 
I’m as mad as a monster cause nobody wants to
read novels no more; they want TV, no hard fiction
You hate novels? Well, that’s gonna spark friction
I came here to rhyme, I didn’t come here to start bitchin’

A plot has got to get my eyes popping
like a shock by a doctor when my heart’s stopping
Cause I’m not really much for cooperating
with an author who plot’s not intoxicating

It’s taking too long, so stop debating
‘Fifty Shades’ isn’t shocking, it’s copulating
I know that you’re filthy rich, Ms. James
But Anaïs Nin puts your “lit” to shame

So now let’s just see who next to read
Selecting what’s next perplexes me
I thought about the latest novel by Palahniuk
It may not be his greatest novel – I still want it

So, go get a book for your Kobo or Nook,
or your Kindle
I don’t give a damn just go, look
Maybe even pay for a paperback
Nothing’s the same as some paper, Jack!

Now this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads

I said this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads

These illiterates, not reading even a little bit
Watching “Game of Thrones” and ignoring their little kids
Children start feeling like reading is worthless
These kids’ imagination pretty soon won’t be worth sh*t

We literary people are scary
Remaining immune to what’s polluting the airwaves
We’re rebels, so let me just revel and bask
in the fact that I am reading with a cat in my lap

It’s a disaster, such a catastrophe
for me to see nobody reading, just attached to screens
It’s enough for me to write a freaking rap and scream
Now let me hear you clapping – are you backing me?  

“Testing, attention please”
Feel expansion the second that you get to read
Here’s my ten cents, my two cents you took
A nuisance, who sent, you sent for books?

Now this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads

I said this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads

 
Note: If you, like me, are dying to hear me perform this rap live, feel free to take me out for drinks. You won’t even have to make a request – after my third whiskey, the rapping will just happen naturally.

New Takes On Old Writing Proverbs

Where would we be if we started messing with timeless sayings about the fine craft of writing? Well, we’d be on my blog, and at risk of being sued for libel.

But for now let’s forget about possible criminal charges and have some fun. Following are several popular proverbs and quotes related to writing – with a few words and phrases added to freshen them up a bit:   

Write what you know. Copy the rest from Wikipedia.

If you wish to be a writer, write. Just don’t expect me to buy your book.

The pen is mightier than the sword, but it makes for a much messier decapitation.

You don't write because you want to say something; you write because you've got something to say. Or because you have a blog.

The act of creation is not entirely a rational and conscious one. But that’s still no excuse for horrific spelling.

It's very hard to be a gentleman and a writer. But not as hard as being a millionaire and a writer.

Writing is a dreadful labor, yet not so dreadful as idleness. Or working at a sewage plant.

Writers are the main landmarks of the past. And the headwaiters of the present.

A book should be luminous, not voluminous. Thank god for Kindles.

It requires more than mere genius to be an author. So you still have a shot.

A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit. Or whose father owns the publishing firm.

If any man wishes to write a clear style, let him first be clear in his thoughts. Exceptions include Blake, Bukowski, Burroughs, Kerouac, Kesey, Lovecraft, Poe...

He who does not expect a million readers should not write a line. And he who does expect a million readers should start taking Lithium.

The secret of all good writing is sound judgment. And minimal semicolons.

There are no laws for the novel. There never have been, nor can there ever be. But be sure to stick a zombie in there somewhere.

If it sounds like writing, rewrite it. If it still sounds like writing, maybe add a few emojis.

There is a time for many words, and there is a time for sleep. Perhaps you should consider taking a nap.
 

What are some of YOUR favorite proverbs and quotes about writing? Feel free to take one, ruin it with irreverence, and then share it below.