Suzanne Falter's Blog, page 16

What’s on the Other Side of Letting Go? It’s Flow, Baby!

Once you do the hard work of letting go, an interesting thing starts to happen. You find yourself with nothing much to worry about.

There is palpable peace there, if you allow it. All you have to do is tune into the small, quiet frequency that lies just below the hectic pace of everyday life. You know this place … it’s just beyond the to-do lists, and multi-tasking and the worried sense that you’re not doing enough.

It’s that lovely, floaty place you arrive at when you’ve been meditating for a while. You’re calm, clear headed and you have no particular place to get to in that moment.

Instead, you allow yourself, for once, to be in flow.

Now, flow is a very powerful state of Grace. Flow is what brings miracles to your door, unbidden. It’s what allows you to walk down the street and bump into the very person you were just thinking about.

Flow is also the stuff your dreams are made of.

Once you make the break – whatever it may be – and let go of the all-wrong situation you’ve been anxiously clinging to, space in your psyche opens up. Your soul relaxes. Your heart expands.

You may even feel like humming or skipping a little. (Go ahead … it’s actually kind of fun!)

Once you find yourself in flow, each day can take on an organic design of its own, no matter what you are up to. So instead of sitting down to a rigid, even overwhelming list of To-Do’s,throw them out. Instead, just sit quietly at your desk for a moment and feel what your heart wants you to do next, and next, and next.

Then do it. You may notice a certain ease or lightness, or a sudden, remarkable passage of time as you dig in productively.

Even if your beautifully in-flow work occasionally requires you to do something you’d rather not, like attend a tedious meeting, you can still be in flow. Just ask that glorious state of flow to accompany you to the meeting and inform your presence there. Let it move you to contribute in the most beneficial way you can.

Ideas may pop up out of nowhere, and agreements made that are simply easy. Flow is always marked by ease and a marked lack of ‘doing’. Things just show up, again and again, and they are always in harmony with what you want and need.

However, be aware that the state of flow resists certain situations.

If you cling to a job that is 100% wrong for you or a relationship that’s a struggle, flow will disappear the moment you step through that door.

Flow also disappears when you watch it too closely, or cling to it too needily. You can’t shut your eyes, cross your fingers and hope for flow with all your heart. Instead, you must invite it in gently, graciously and without attachment. And then go about your business until it arrives. Only then can it do its magic.

Flow sometimes takes its own sweet time about showing up, which is its privilege. It will come when it, and you, are both ready.

Most of all, the state of flow is marked by desire. Whatever you desire from moment to moment will guide you most effectively to the state of flow. You simply have to be quiet to know what that is … then follow the directions that well up from your heart.

Try it right now. What is it that you desire most right now?

Perhaps a gluten free chocolate fudge tart? Okay, why not? Go get one … and chances are while you’re walking down to the corner to get your tart, you will see something that will inspire a great idea. Or maybe you’ll have a chance encounter with someone you need to meet.

Or maybe you’ll just have an utterly fantastic chocolate moment. Thus becoming prepared more completely for your next moment, and the next one after that.

I invite you to delve into flow and let the rapture of it sweep you away. You will not dissolve, and you will probably be surprised how much you’ll actually accomplish.

This is what life looks like on the other side of all that clinging and grasping that makes us suffer. It’s free, easy and remarkably simple. And yeah … it’s bliss.

Why not give it a try?

Want to learn more about Suzanne’s healing approach to life? Listen to her Before the Afterlife Podcast on iTunes.

The post What’s on the Other Side of Letting Go? It’s Flow, Baby! appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

The Magical (and True) Story of How My New Healing Podcast Came to Be

I drove up to Sebastopol on a foggy Bay Area morning last fall because something was pushing me. I just kept feeling the urge to go back  to this sweet town where I once lived. At the time, I felt stuck. I couldn’t move forward, though I badly wanted to.

In my meditation, when I asked what was next for me, the image of Sebastopol’s main street and it’s intersection in the middle of town was shown to me. It was an image that had come to me repeatedly since Teal’s death, at one point prompting me to live there for a year and a half.

Although I moved away, Sebastopol still calls to me and invites me in …this is a place where I resonate and where Teal’s spirit really comes alive for me. Especially as I drive up there.

While I was driving on that particular day, I felt so lost. I was at some kind of crossroads with my work. The novels were being published but I felt incomplete. I submitted an  excerpt from my memoir to an agent and was waiting for her feedback. I was ‘on hold’ and I didn’t like it.

So I prayed to Teal as I drove. “Please show me what I’m supposed to do. Make yourself apparent to me. Help me know what is next.”

After I got to Sebastopol, I did what I always do … I went into Infusions, ordered a cup of tea and a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie, and put down my backpack. Then I looked through the big glass doors of the tea shop.

Standing there was a blonde woman talking to Magick, the psychic who usually sits outside. I studied her. I was instantly drawn to her though I really didn’t know why. It could have been because she is beautiful, but there was some other, bigger reason I couldn’t put my finger on. I thought perhaps I knew her.

Then I realized it was Michaela, the shaman who Teal had done a session with her only a week before her death. It was Michaela who’d gotten Teal so very interested in shamanic healing in the first place.

It was in this very spot that I’d run into Michaela several times over the last four years. I said hello to her, we hugged, then spontaneously sat down to tea together.

Ninety minutes later, I had a clear sense of my purpose moving forward.

Because Michaela is a shaman, she ‘travels between worlds’ and often talks to beings such as Teal who inhabit the other side. We started chatting and inevitably Teal’s essence began seeping into the conversation.

We talked about life, and then moved on to the topic of organ donation. Teal’s heart was donated to another young woman about her age whose life was saved, and who moves through this walking life right now because of Teal.

Michaela began to receive all kinds of information from Teal, then, about what happens to the stored memories in the cells of the transferred organ. She went on to channel Teal at length, ending with these words.

“When my heart stopped I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. My soul was ready to go, but I was not aware that my heart had a different trajectory … when I was young I didn’t understand the pain that my heart was in. And I didn’t know if I could sustain it. There was an aspect of denial that is part of being young, which prevented me from expressing the pain and working with it in a substantive way.

And yet, my heart’s journey was really to impart information from another dimensional aspect, so people could hear the wisdom of my heart and other hearts. I was not capable of doing that psychologically in my body, and with the personality that I had. I wasn’t evolved enough to understand that in order to heal the heart, I had to experience what the heart was harboring.

Now when I look at it, it’s more like I had to learn how to play the chords, so that I could improvise in a major way. I’m now improvising in a major way, but I didn’t have the tools to do that when I was young and alive.”

Then Michaela looked at me. “Teal says, ‘To be continued,” she said.

Michaela had no way of knowing that that Teal was a musician … a musician who loved to improvise. Nor did she know that when Teal was dying, she came to me several times as thoughts in my head. When I asked what she was doing, she told me, “I’m trying to reconcile my heart and my soul.”

At the end of our conversation we both felt great. Uplifted, serene, content, happy. And energized in an entirely new way.

And suddenly I knew exactly what I needed to do next – the path was crystal clear. I knew I was to create a podcast and have Michaela as my first guest … and a repeat visitor. It was to be an exploration of the Afterlife, and whatever we can learn from this side of the divide.

I got my confirmation on the drive home. Sensing Teal around me once more, I turned on my iPod which is always set to Shuffle. Immediately, I heard Teal humming the beginning of the introduction I’d recorded a few years earlier for a podcast that never happened .

Of the nearly 2000 songs on my iPod … this was the first one I heard Now it all made perfect sense.

I’m pleased to announce our podcast will begin on February 21. Naturally, Teal popped in with a name for it while I was interviewing Michaela … Before the Afterlife. I’ll be sharing my own stories, and talking to mystics, psychics, shamans, monks, brain geeks, authors and experts who deal in happiness. It’s about healing, spiritual guidance, and how to be happy before you go.

Now you know the story behind Before the Afterlife … I do hope you’ll give a listen.

Thank you. And as ever, Namaste.

Before the Afterlife will be available on iTunes by February 20 … Hope to see you there!

 

The post The Magical (and True) Story of How My New Healing Podcast Came to Be appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

How To Stay Calm in the Trump Era

I didn’t vote for Donald Trump and I’m scared. I feel vulnerable and shaky … and really uncertain what the future brings. Some days I can barely work because I’m so distracted and worried.

And yet … this is the chaos that often happens before a very big shift in the public consciousness. It’s the breakdown before the breakthrough. But in the meanwhile …

Here are some things we can do to stay calm and be more effective as the chaos unfolds.

We owe it to ourselves and … really, at this point, we owe it to the world at large.

First, go on a news diet. Pull away from the steady, alarming, adrenaline pumping news. Put down the Times app. Turn off the TV. Remember much of the media is on repetitive 12 hour cycles, so once you’ve got the basic news for the day, you can turn away. The world will still go on. Your central nervous system will thank you for it.
Show up and protest. Don’t march because it will necessarily make a Washington sit up and take notice (though reports are that Congress has begun to pay attention.) Do it because it will give you a feeling of control.Actively protesting makes you feel remarkably better. You stop feeling so alone, and you get inspired. Put on your pink hat and march, loudly and often.
Feel your grief and fear. Have you had a good cry yet? Listen … you deserve it. We all do. Let yourself cry and an amazing wave of relief and peace will follow. If Chuck Schumer can do it, so can you.
Remember that every four years there is an election in the US. The current state of duress many of us feel is only going to last so long. Trump can be voted out just like he got voted in. In the end this is a democracy in the US … and so far, it’s been working for more than 240 years.
Think of this as the division before the healing. Nothing brings people together like chaos and stress. Remember the aftermath of 9-11. And take note of the fact that Democrats and Republicans have, together, been doing clean up on Trump’s missteps with foreign leaders. That, alone, is a small miracle. The more our internal conflicts escalate, the more opportunity there is for us to come together.
Meditate … and do a little yoga, too. 5000 years of global practice say they work. Even scientists agree the combo reduces worry, doubt, and increases overall happiness. Consider this an excellent time to begin … even five minutes a day of sitting quietly with eyes closed will help.
Give money to causes directly affected by new policies. Citizen action has proven at times to be more effective than government policy. Give to Planned Parenthood, the Southern Poverty Law Center, The Sierra Club, and other conservation organizations. Join the more than 335,300 people who joined the ACLU in the last week – and donated more than 24 million dollars. Even making a small contribution per month will increase your sense of well-being.
Sign online petitions and letters. SumOfUs.org, MoveOn.org, The Daily Kos and others make it one-click simple to lodge a protest with your elected officials. Getting on the email lists of these organizations will put almost daily petitions into your inbox that you can sign with a simple click. Calling Congress has been proven to be even more effective – and so you will feel that much better after you do. Simply dial 202-224-3121. Here are some handy instructions.
Sleep with a bear. Call it primal … but a teddy bear makes you feel ever so much better. It really will.

Don’t worry, keep breathing. Not only are will the US get through this … we’re going to be a more respectful, awake, conscious country. One that ultimately will prove worthy of respect.

Feel free to add ideas of your own below. After all, we’re all in this together!

The post How To Stay Calm in the Trump Era appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

How to Talk Yourself Out of a Funk

Okay, everyone, repeat after me.

We are good and wonderful people – even WHEN we feel like hell.

I woke up with the blues the other day, and had a profound experience of finding my way back to some good and loving self-kindness.

Here are the steps I took. May they serve you well the next time you feel back to black.

 

Call a friend. Really, we were never meant to slog through this life alone – whether we are with a soul mate or not. Furthermore, those who care about you do want to help. So resist the urge to go off and lick your wounds alone. Generally that just makes things worse, right?
Remember you have no perspective. It’s your life, so generally you can’t see the forest for the trees. Just like Mark Twain thought Huckleberry Finn was a piece of trash, and Michelangelo said, about the Sistine Chapel, “I am no painter.” If you’re doubting your self worth, keep in mind your perspective is not reliable. (Then see #1 above.)
Expect the occasional s**tstorm. Because that’s how life is. You will know suffering just as you know joy – even sometimes at the same time. Not only is suffering a reliable life experience, but it will ultimately become your post powerful teacher. Because that’s how it is in this mortal coil.
Know you will be fine. Think about it. Even when times were bleak, you came out of it okay, if a bit dinged up. You always have been fine, and you always will be fine. And then one day you’ll die. Job completed. Mission accomplished. Discomfort always, inevitably leads to something better.
Expect a miracle (or ask for one.) Even if you don’t believe in a great spiritual organizing principle in this life, why not give it a whirl? No matter what, your mind will be soothed, your body will relax, and you will feel protected. Which ultimately leads to … yes … miracles.
Ask for guidance to ‘Bless it or Block it.’ This is a little trick a friend showed me who has a profound faith in a higher power that guides us all. When you are really feeling uncertain about which course to take – or so scared you literally can’t take the next step – ask Spirit to bless or block your endeavor. The answer usually follows.
Remember the stuff that is working in your life. Somewhere in your dark stew of an existence, there are soft, clear, sweet spots. Perhaps that’s a beloved friend, or a special place that makes you feel wonderful. Maybe even a treasured letter or photograph. Possibly it’s your work, or your health, or your kids. Name it now and thank it profusely for being in your life. Then see if that doesn’t give you a bit of a shift.
Know that this, too, will pass. Tomorrow you will wake up with 232 billion new cells in your body. That, alone, is reason for hope. Your life is constantly changing and evolving towards what is just ahead. So this place you’re in right now? By tomorrow, it will probably be gone.
Above all, believe in your own perfection. Yes, you are already perfect, just as you are, and this experience or uncertainty or doubt or dilemma is perfect, too. Easy for me to say, right? Yes! And … it’s all happening for a reason.

The key is to trust that you have everything you need, here and now, to resolve anything you must resolve.

Not only do you have everything – you are everything. You were born whole and complete, and you will die whole and complete. We were designed to be enough, and have enough, every minute of every day. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Once you even begin to wrap your head around this truth, the next one falls neatly into place.

Give back and know peace. The ultimate game changer is service, given from the heart. Try it, even if you don’t want to. What is your special gift you could give someone today?Go give it, and immediately, you really will know peace.

 

The post How to Talk Yourself Out of a Funk appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

Business Self Care Hacks for a Fresh New Year

I don’t know about you, but when a new year begins, I raise my head up, look around, and shake off the old sludge.

And suddenly I  realize my office is full of dog hair, the storage on my phone and my computer are gone, and my passwords are a disorganized mess. Furthermore, my to-do’s are completely out of control.

So I get busy.

I vacuum my office and clean out my inbox. I get dictation software, a better calendar system, and some new electronics. I might even hire a virtual assistant.

And then … just like that … I feel renewed and awake again. I have energy to do things I’d previously avoided like the plague. Which, if you have goals of any kind, is pretty damn critical.

Here are some of the sites and tools that have made my ‘New Year’s Wake Up’ possible.

Gazelle. Trade in your old electronics for slightly used ones at this handy site and save 50%. If you can upgrade your phone, this is the truly affordable – and green – way to do that. Recently I bought a used iPhone 6 Plus for half the retail cost. Aside the fact that it arrived by mail in a brown cardboard box, you’d never know it wasn’t brand new. There’s not a scratch on it.

Then I just dropped by my phone service carrier, they switched out the SIM card, and I was good to go. Oh yeah … I also had them wipe my old phone clean, which I then sold to Gazelle for a cool $95 payout.

If you’ve been avoiding a phone upgrade because of the expense, here’s your ticket. It also took $22 off my monthly service bill since I no longer am paying off a phone I now own.

1Password. If you have a document listing your passwords anywhere in your computer, take them out now. Aside from the obvious hacking threat, there is a better, synched solution that works with your smart phone as well. 1Password has been highly reviewed by legions of tech reviewers for years, and rightly so.

It’s a simple, elegant solution in which to not only store log ins, but stores critical info like your credit card, passport and so much more it boggles the mind. You can even create safe ‘vaults’ for your staff to access or store important logins they are working with.

Furthermore, it works across all your devices so you’ll never fumble for a password again. (P.S. I avoided this task for months because I thought it would take too long to set up. But it took less than an hour and was fun to boot!)

Upwork. There are people out there, around the globe, who want to help you in any number of capacities from personal assistant to marketing to editing and more. Many of them can be found for remarkably reasonable prices on Upwork, formerly known as O Desk.

Note: As ever, you will need to carefully vet the folks you hire. I’ve found some of the best team members I’ve ever had thru Upwork. Yet, I’ve also hired a few who didn’t work out so well. Do your due diligence here. Check references, look at portfolios and trust the Upwork rating system. Then give a new VA time to get to know how you like to work. (See Quip, below.)

This really is what it takes to get ahead of the massive, ever-expanding to do list in your head.

Asana. I used to organize all my to-do’s on a digital post it that sat in my computer. I’d type up my daily list, email it to my ‘Action Buddy’, then paste the list into my Stickie. Turned out there’s a better way to do this.

Asana is free task organizing website that helps you set up tasks lists, calendars and more to share with others … or just track, yourself. The paid version has some nice features including graphics that show how much of various projects you’ve completed each time you log in, which can be remarkably motivating.

I especially love going into the calendar and constantly moving tasks from day to day, based on how the day is going and how much I can reasonably get done. To-do guilt be gone!

Quip. This is a really helpful site that helps you track online conversations with assistants. When you email a document with instructions, they get posted in Quip. Then you check an easy little box to indicate you read their response to your notes. And you leave a few remarks of your own.

If you have multiple projects you’re getting help on, this is a really clean, efficient way to keep track of who said what and who’s up to date.

TaskRabbit. Perhaps the help you need is more of the ‘go stand in line at the DMV’ variety? No worries, because TaskRabbit’s got your back. This wonderful site provides live, real people to come to your home and do everything from wash up after your dinner party to organize your closets and teach you salsa dancing.

I’ve used TaskRabbit a number of times with good results. Workers tend to be resourceful people with all kinds of experience who like working in this ad hoc manner. And really, some of them have been excellent!

Here’s how you get those gnarly tasks done, like putting the IKEA table together that’s totally confounded you, or throwing out the old junk you can’t bear to part with. (Do note, TaskRabbit is currently in many but not all major cities.)

There! That should help you get going with a new sense of support and purpose for a fresh, thriving new year.

Don’t forget the biggest truth of all when it comes to self care: You don’t have to do it alone. Ever.

 

 

 

 

The post Business Self Care Hacks for a Fresh New Year appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

The Eight Secrets of Emotional Self-Care

You hear a lot about self care out there – the massages, the meditation apps, the healthy walks. The apple a day.

But what about your emotional life? How do you live so your emotions generate less stress and more happiness?

Here are eight simple guidelines I find invaluable as I focus more and more on my own self care. May they serve you well …

1. Honor your emotions. Feel them, listen to them and let them naturally cycle through you. This is one of the wonders of the human organism. We are designed to constantly cleanse our psyches by allowing our emotions to move through us. But first, we have to allow them to do that.

Delaying, ignoring or ‘stuffing’ your feelings does no one any good. (P.S. This does not mean going off and dumping those emotions on someone else, willy-nilly. See # 3 below.)

Reminder: your anger and your fear are here to protect you. So let them do their job.

2. Realize it’s all about you and your mother. We are always processing emotional sludge, most of which we think has nothing to do with us. But actually, all of it has to do with us — and the gigantic filters we have that constantly trigger memories from our past.

When something challenging or even joyful happens, these memories pour through our subconscious. They can make us euphoric, just as they can render us mute with anger when, say, someone snaps at us.

Believe it or not, that oversized, white-hot rage you feel when a car cuts you off is a flicker from your past, albeit a strong one.

You can tell you’re triggered because the event usually does not warrant the huge reaction you have.

Good self-care means gently reminding yourself you are triggered. Then allow your feelings to flow in the quiet of your own private space, until eventually they resolve.

3. Become humble. It’s hard to be a humble human, and yet, when you are, you set yourself free. Humility means you don’t need to be perfect … nor do you need to be right.

In fact, you don’t have to be anything other than just good old you, as you are, right here and right now.

Humility also means everyone else gets to be the equally flawed creatures they are, as you remember we are all in this together.

Ironically, humility insists you give yourself the self-care you need first, so you can then turn your eyes in service to the rest of the world. It means listening with curiosity, then learning.

Always … we are learning as we go.

4. Know (and express) your boundaries. Being clear on your boundaries and setting them in a kind way is a great life skill.

Sometimes we don’t get to do that as kids, so we are learning now as adults. Which is great!

The key is to honor our emotions (see #1 above) and then find the courage to speak up kindly. Requests work well here.

If you feel shy about this, keep this in mind. People often appreciate it when you are clear about your boundaries. Then they don’t have to awkwardly wonder, guess and try to accommodate you anyway.

5. Own your own stuff … and nothing more. Good emotional self-care would include only being responsible for ‘your side of the street’. Take note if you come from an abused background, and you tend to say you’re sorry a lot.

You don’t have to apologize to someone who dumps on you for no good reason, any more than you have to apologize for inclement weather.

That would be someone else’s business … not yours.

By the same token, always be honest when conflicts happen. So if you actually do need to make an apology, you do so.

This is how you find your way back to true ease and freedom –- which is the heart of emotional self-care.

6. Forgive and set yourself free. That sticky pile of resentments you’ve been carrying around is a massive energy suck. Within those upsets is usually a piece of you, also waiting to be forgiven.

The fact is that conflicts are seldom one sided. It takes two people to make a snit. But once your issue forgiveness yourself and the other person … and you own your own part as well … your heart can relax. And your soul can breathe once more.

7. Stay out of harm’s way. Your emotions are always on, like finely tuned radar, reading the people and places all around you, scanning for safety.

So it’s worth noticing when you find yourself feeling a bit uncomfortable or even mildly frightened by someone else, or the place you are in. That’s when you may need to leave. Or, if you can’t, simply pull down your ‘invisible shield’. That would be your inner protective armor, which is always at the ready waiting to help.

Also bear in mind that you can still love someone, and even respect them, though you may not want to spend much time with them. (I’m thinking of difficult family members here.)

Above all, be true to yourself. Your guidance system is on for a reason.

8. Be patient with yourself. Did you know that you are a work in progress until the day you die? But then, isn’t the point of life to learn, evolve and grow?

That means you won’t ‘get it right’ the first time, or maybe even the fiftieth. But you might just do it the fifty-first time.

Here is to your tender heart.

If you serve her well, she will most abundantly serve you.

The post The Eight Secrets of Emotional Self-Care appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

How to Get Along at Dysfunctional Family Get-Togethers (the Buddhist Version)

For many holiday seasons over the past 15 years I’ve published variations on this essay. This year, in honor of the wonderful Buddhist sangha I joined at the East Bay Meditation Center, I’ve crafted this variation.

Ah, family. We can’t live without them, yet sometimes we can’t really live with them, either. Especially at the holidays, when we are all just a little extra keyed up.

For every ounce of deep, family-bonded joy we feel on the holidays, there’s sure to be at least one moment when we want climb into Aunt Nanny’s coat closet and have a silent scream.

Trouble is, children are watching. Elderly people you see once a year are watching. You really do want to keep it together.

Ah, grasshopper … this is actually a teachable moment. It goes back to the original Buddhist belief that there will be suffering. Not only will there be suffering, you are entirely at choice in how you engage in it. Author and teacher Robert Thurman refers to this phenomenon as ‘changing the channel.”

Changing that channel, of course, can be damn near impossible. So this is when help must be evoked. A prayer can be handy.

Like this one, the Buddhist ‘Extended Compassion Practice’ from the Divine Abodes. It goes like this:

If I cannot be loving in this moment, may I be kind

If I cannot be kind, may I simply notice

If I cannot just notice, may I not cause harm

If I cannot not cause harm, may I cause the least amount of harm possible

May I strive to not exile anyone from my heart

I particularly love that last point. Because I really hate it when I exile someone from my heart. It feels just awful … and like all of us, I do exactly that from time to time.

When my mother was still alive, there was always one moment every holiday when she’d be a complete outcast as far as my heart is concerned. I’d be filled with my hurt feelings, or my righteous indignation, or my screaming anxiety that at any moment she might blow up.

It really didn’t matter what happened, or what kind of story I told myself, the pattern was always the same. Show up at home, be genuinely delighted, and fairly delightful as well. But by Day 3, things had shifted. You just knew the fur was going to fly once the drinks got flowing.

Back then the last thing on my mind was whether or not I exiled anyone from my heart. Instead, I was full of my hurt and angry inner monologue, my carefully written story of injustice.

And yet, here – exactly here – is where I needed to be careful. This is exactly where I actually could have asked for help, and so been able to keep my cool.

I could have taken myself away at the appropriate moment, closed the door and meditated for a while.

I could have pulled out a piece of paper and done a little remedial journaling.

I could have asked God for help as I repeated a prayer like the one above again and again.

And most of all, I would have known that exiling anyone from my heart hurts me most of all.

But, of course, I didn’t have access to such good wisdom back in those days. What I had was a pattern of dysfunctional family drama in which I played a key role. Today, however, it’s a different story.

Now I know what to do when I feel myself getting anxious. I take myself away, and figure out what’s causing me upset. I allow myself to have whatever dark feelings I’m having away alone, in a nice safe place. And I give myself some space to have those feelings.

Then I remember that we’re all full of awkwardness, upsets, and the swirl of emotions. And most of the time, we truly do regret our hasty, unskilled remarks. The fact is, we’re all in this leaky lifeboat together, and so we must learn to row it together.

If we can live in a place of self-compassion, and general compassion to all around us, that rowing is going to happen a whole lot more easily. But, of course, that’s what this holiday season is really all about, isn’t it?

When I keep mulling over my feelings, and basting in the juices of righteous indignation, I do nothing more than dull my heart. That helps no one, least of all me.

A companion prayer to the one above puts it this way:

May I strive to not cause myself suffering

May I strive to keep my heart open to the suffering of the world

May I learn to decrease suffering in my own life

May I learn to decrease the suffering of others

This holiday season,  if you are fortunate enough to be with family, may you honor yourself and them as the profound teachers that they are. And may you give them — and yourself — a great big break and a whole lot of love.

Most of all, here’s to your own fragile heart, my friend. May you tend it well.

Happy Holidays.

 

 

The post How to Get Along at Dysfunctional Family Get-Togethers (the Buddhist Version) appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

How to Move On … When the Time is Right

Have you ever had the feeling that there is a next step for you to take, perhaps even a big one, but you have no idea how and when to do it?

That’s been my experience lately. It’s been more than four years since the death of my daughter, and I have slowly and powerfully moved through my grief … or at least most of it.

I no longer fall apart at the mention of her name. I have energy again, and have stopped feeling like I live in a heavy cloud of uncertainty all the time.

So I keep thinking it is time to for me to work longer and harder, and produce more to be of real service in the world. There are things to do, my busy mind tells me. A podcast and a memoir need to be finished. A course needs to be set up. And another novel needs writing. And … yet.

I hang back.

At such times, I still cling to the sweet, warm sanctuary of my grief.

How can I step out into the world again as I once did, now that I am truly vulnerable. My turtle shell of defensiveness and ambition are simply gone. I am raw, exposed, and as I get older, so much less driven.

My only ambition now is to serve God’s will … yet that will does seem to be nudging me right back to where I came from. So how do I proceed?

With caution, taking my time? Or with abandon, throwing myself into my work once again? Isn’t this just an uncomfortable ‘hump’ I have to force myself over?

This is where Teal’s Goddess Cards come in. At the end of her life, she relied heavily on Doreen Virtue’s Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards to help her navigate times like this. So I pulled her cards out recently.

Shuffling the deck, I held a mental image of my question: ‘Should I push myself to be more productive again?’

I pulled three cards and lay them on my desk. The card on the left was all about my immediate past.

Not surprisingly, the goddess pictured here was Ishtar. “Boundaries,” read the card. “Love yourself enough to say no to others’ demands on your time and energy.” A note also cautioned against doing things out of guilt or obligation.

An apt description of where I have been with my grief.

The middle card, which showed my current situation, pictured the goddess Ostara, for “Fertility.” “It is the perfect time for you to start new projects, access new ideas, and give birth to new conditions,” the text explained. Notably, the card was upside down, meaning I had work to do here.

Okay, so I was meant to proceed with my projects. But … how?

The card said, “Giving birth to new conditions.”

Perhaps that meant I needed to create better working conditions for myself. Like not doing things simply to make income, but doing them instead through divine flow. This would be work marked by a happy sense of ‘rightness’, ease and inspiration, instead of guilt and obligation.

This would be work done because it feels inherently good.

And that would mean trusting my process and knowing all is moving ahead just as it is meant to. After all, my needs have being well taken care of every minute of the last four years. I have had abundant time, money, health, friends … even overflowing love. I truly want for nothing.

The only time that has not been the case was when I ignored my own guidance, and attempted to push myself to work.

So why on earth am I pushing myself so hard now?

The third card I pulled, indicating what lies ahead, said it all. The goddess pictured here was Maeve, who represents “Cycles and Rhythms.” “Honor the cycles of your body, energy levels and emotions,” read the card.

Wow. The light now dawned.

There is a right time to everything, and the natural cycles of my energy and emotions will deliver me to the perfect moment for creating the podcast, the memoir, the novel, and the courses.

I don’t have to forge ahead just for the sake of forging ahead. That will help no one, least of all me.

Furthermore, I must not rush the flow of the Universe. Instead, I can join with it in an easy dance informed by love for myself and the world, and honor the notion of right timing.

This is how we create in gentle wholeness, consciousness and well-being. For there is no ‘there’ to get to , friends. There is only the whole and healthy living of each day, each minute, to the best of our abilities.

May you and I both move through our lives in ease today … and every day.

Namaste.

 

 

The post How to Move On … When the Time is Right appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

Eight Important Lessons I Learned When I Lost Everything

Was there ever a time in your life when you lost something very precious to you … and became better for it?

This has been very much on my mind as I prepare for a media campaign around my book, Surrendering to Joy. I wrote it as I was healing from a year of losing everything – relationship, marriage, home, career, my child and then my mother.

What I am now realizing is that this total meltdown was an extremely powerful and necessary experience. I would even say my soul demanded it, for that is how it is with crisis and loss.

Breakdowns happen because something in our system demands it.

The status quo cannot go on; we are being called upon – even forced – to grow.

When all of this came down in my own life, I was lost. I was living in a sketchy apartment building in which the super was a prowler. The flu I’d had for 6 months made no sign of stopping. I was struggling to keep my head above water in a toxic relationship. And I had blindly gone into a brand new business partnership I didn’t need or even want.

None of it felt right. And yet all of it, magically, was very right.

Everything began to unravel and that is when things started to feel better — even though the circumstances were heinous. Into that void of nothingness I walked willingly, mainly because I had no choice. Immediately, even in my grief, I could see the integrity of what was happening.

Here are some of the realizations that landed then … and still resound every day in my life.

I am not alone and I don’t have to heal alone. I have many supportive circles of friends around me now, even though I had few when my breakdown began. Supportive friends make the ride so much easier. In fact, I’d say they are critical.
It’s OK to be in the Void for a while … The Void, while scary at first, is an enormously creative place. If you can tolerate the stillness, eventually life returns. Ideas drop in. Joy descends. Feel free to stretch out and hang for a while. It’s a great place to heal.
I don’t have to know the answers right now. Or ever, really. I just have to know what I know right now. And know that I’ll be fine. This has been a particularly important lesson for this ‘information storm trooper’, who has spent her life actively chasing information and knowledge.
Grace happens when you least expect it. Again and again I have been surprised by the incredible generosity of others, which always magically arrives at just the right moment – in ways I couldn’t even plan or hope for. This grace seems to be linked to me being in the flow, the enjoyment of life. Reminder: God wants us to be happy!
I won’t get ‘there’ by striving (wherever ‘there’ is.) Instead, what if life was like a great take out delivery? You decide you want Chinese, you make a call, then sit down to watch TV. Suddenly at just the perfect moment the doorbell rings and in comes steaming Moo Shu Pork. While having goals and ideas is commendable, pushing doesn’t work. Making the request and allowing it to be delivered does.
I am whole and perfect just as I am. Yeah, there are rough edges and every day I say a prayer asking that my character defects be removed. Meanwhile, I’ll take ‘em. They are me, just like my various scars and wounds. As long as I do my best to do no harm, I will work with what I’ve got.
I truly do have everything I need right now. My own breakdown and subsequent inquiry has meant two years of not earning much and living very simply. Which has been an unexpected delight! I find I’m attached to low cost pleasures like living with a dear friend, consignment clothing, my dumb phone and camping. And … it’s fun! More importantly, I feel liberated. I no longer do things ‘just for the money’. I don’t have to and I don’t want to.
Freedom is the point. Janis Joplin wails, “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.” But personally, I feel richer than I ever could have imagined since my breakdown. While I may not have much by some standards, i.e. a house, a mortgage, or even a family nearby, I truly love my life and I wake up excited every day. And isn’t that the whole point?

So yeah, there’s an end to the rainbow if you follow it. And ironically it’s about seizing what is here and now.

That’s my invitation to you in this moment, this hour, this day, my dear friend.

 

The post Eight Important Lessons I Learned When I Lost Everything appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

12 Great Drug Free Solutions for Insomnia

I have had chronic insomnia for nearly five years. It was triggered by an unstable relationship followed by the sudden death of my daughter, both of which collided with menopause.

OB/GYN’s say insomnia is the most common complaint of the menopausal women they treat. They also report chronic insomnia can be set off by intense PTSD and grief. Only now, after several years, am I starting to get more and more consistent good sleep.

Here’s what my insomnia looks like. I wake up three to four hours after I fall asleep. I’m so wide awake I could play a hand of cards, compose a business letter, or go organize my closets. It takes hours to fall back to sleep.

I’ve tried nearly every remedy and read every book out there, some of which work better than others. I even took a seminar for health professionals about insomnia and the ‘over stimulated brain’.

I’m not one to turn to sleeping pills, sedatives or even medical marijuana as they only mask the problem. Once you stop taking them, your insomnia is still there … waiting patiently for you.

To that end, here’s the drug-free list of alternatives that have worked for me so far.

1. F.Lux. Mounting evidence says the blue light from phone and computer screens can keep you awake. The light tricks the brain into thinking it’s daytime, even when it’s not. However the F.Lux app automatically removes the blue light from your phone, computer or other iOS device on a schedule that you set. This actually works! (And it’s free for Mac users.)

2. No simple carbs at night. Simple carbs like cookies, candy, cereal, potatoes, white bread and baked goods can wake you up in the middle of the night when consumed in the afternoon or evening. “Reverse meals,” advised one doctor. Eat a big lunch and just some light protein and veggies, soup or fruit for dinner.

3. Keep a sleep log at night. This helps you track just how your behavior affects your sleep. Make columns for date & sleep percentage, time to bed, time you fell asleep, number of times you woke, total time awake, final time awake, time you got out of bed, and quality of sleep from 1 to 5. At the end leave a column for notes on what varied from day to day.

Update your sleep log each morning. Then calculate this:

# of minutes slept ÷ # of minutes in bed

Keep your log for a while, then track that sleep percentage each day relative to how your behavior varies. When you get at least five days of sleep over 90% you’ll know what’s working.

4. Create a dark cozy sanctuary with an eye pillow. Removing light pollution from your bedroom is often a key to a good night’s sleep. The best way I’ve found is with a small silk bag that’s like a beanbag filled with flax seeds. Eye pillows lay across your eyes keeping the light out from, say, a partner who likes to read after you go to sleep, or light pollution from the street.

5. Write down your worries. Keep a worry log and you’ll find out just how worried you actually are. If you write these thoughts down at dinnertime and put them away, you will naturally move them through your brain more easily at night. It also helps to schedule a time when you will resolve some of these concerns.

6. Exercise daily. Even a 20-minute walk can help … but don’t work out just before bed. I find exercise takes the edge off of my natural anxiety and helps me chill out. Then I’m truly tired by bedtime.

7. Avoid alcohol. Yeah, we all know this one … personally I find it very true that when I have a glass of wine it will revisit me in the middle of the night and mess with my sleep.

8. Eliminate caffeine completely. One M.D. told me that we become more sensitive to caffeine as we get into mid-life. Furthermore, caffeine has been found to have a ‘half life’ that stays in your body an average of 5.7 hours after the buzz is gone. Certain genetic variants can keep the buzz going far longer so you sleep far more fitfully.

9. Take ground flax seed and flax seed oil for hot flashes. I avoid hot flashes most of the time by avoiding sugar. If I do, I double up on ground flax seed in yogurt. I also use a nice salad dressing of meyer lemon juice, lemon pepper and flax seed oil at lunch.

10. Keep your window open at night and use ear plugs if you need to. Simple but true. The body rests more deeply if slightly chilled. If you have ambient noise outside, silicone ear plugs are actually very effective.

11. Practice sleep restraint and keep a consistent sleep schedule. This is the single most effective remedy I have found for my insomnia. By keeping a sleep log (see #3) you will come to learn how much sleep you actually need to feel good. (Note: By mid-life, most of us tend to need less sleep than when we were younger. The average for people over 50 is actually 6.5 hours.)

Sleep restraint is modifying how long you stay in bed each night. It means getting up within three minutes of naturally waking up … whether you want to or not. So if you go to bed at 10AM and you wake up at 5:30 of 6AM, you get up, turn on the lights and start your day instead of rolling over. By the same turn keep yourself awake at night until your consistent bedtime arrives. If you have trouble staying awake, go for a brief walk. This will be uncomfortable at first but give it a few days and your body will adjust — and you’ll begin to stay more consistently.

Much of good sleep has to do with learned habit and association. So this teaches the body to use more of its time in bed actually sleeping.

12. The Relaxation Response. When my mind is racing in the middle of the night, I lie in bed and use Herbert Benson’s ‘Relaxation Response’. It’s basically a way to methodically calm the mind and relax the body. And it’s often the last thing I remember when trying to fall back to sleep.

May you find something helpful here in your quest for a good night’s sleep. I’d love to hear what has worked for you, so please leave any thoughts in a comment below. Thanks.

The post 12 Great Drug Free Solutions for Insomnia appeared first on Suzanne Falter.