Laura Roberts's Blog, page 21

Online Dating from A to Z: Jobs

Welcome to the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge. This month I’ll be working my way through the alphabet, one day at a time, on the subject of Online Dating. If you’ve never visited my blog before, I’m happy you’re here! Be sure to check out my previous A to Z Challenge posts and the books that were inspired by them for more alphabetical fun.

J is for Jobs.

Naturally, one of the first things you’ll want to ask your prospective date is “What do you do for a living?”

It’s almost a reflex. People want to know what you spend most of your day doing, and finding out what someone’s job is can often provide good insight into their personality and values.

Of course, not all jobs are created equal. Some people are just working a day job to pay the bills. Others are pursuing a genuine career or vocation, something that they’ve worked hard to attain, and that they’d like to keep doing for the rest of their lives. Still others might be between jobs. And then there are folks who don’t have any job at all, from students to trust fund kids to the perpetually unemployed.

What does your job really say about you?

And are first impressions always correct?

For me, the most important thing to find out when asking someone about their job is not the type of job itself, but the way the person explains their work to me. For those who are too evasive, red flags get raised. I once went out with a guy who seemed to change the subject every time work came up. I had asked him what he did for a living, and he’d told me he was a consultant… but consultant for what? I could never get a straight answer out of him, and at first it didn’t really matter, but as time went by it just seemed weirder and weirder that he never talked about work or referenced it in any way, except to say things like “I’ll be off work at 6… want to grab a bite to eat?”

My mind started spinning scenarios with decidedly disturbing angles. Was he a drug dealer? A pimp? A international jewel thief? An undercover agent?

The fact that he never talked about any friends or family members by name was also disconcerting. Was he undercover or just a total loner? Was he hiding me from the people in his life, and if so, why?

The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. The more I tried to bring these subjects up, the more he would brush them off as if I were being paranoid.

Mystery can be sexy, but too much mystery can be a deal-breaker. If you won’t even tell your date what field you work in, that’s just strange. It seems like you’re hiding something, and not in a good way. This is exactly why spies have cover stories. At least their boring accounting jobs will make curious folks quit asking questions!

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Online Dating from A to Z: Ignoring the Indecisive

Welcome to the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge. This month I’ll be working my way through the alphabet, one day at a time, on the subject of Online Dating. If you’ve never visited my blog before, I’m happy you’re here! Be sure to check out my previous A to Z Challenge posts and the books that were inspired by them for more alphabetical fun.

I is for Ignoring the Indecisive.

There’s nothing worse than trying to make plans with someone who’s chronically indecisive. Even asking a simple question like “What do you want to do for lunch?” can result in the dreaded “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

If you’re that indecisive about whether you want a sandwich or a salad, you’re definitely never going to get anywhere with online dating!

There is no bigger turnoff than someone who can’t make up their mind – unless it’s the person who thinks that by turning the question back to you they are somehow “going with the flow.” As a woman who knows exactly what she wants, I have to say that men who did this during the dating process automatically got placed into the “Not My Type” pile.

PRO TIP: If you really have no preference (or answer to the question), at least toss out an idea – good, bad or indifferent. Part of your job, as an online dater, is to keep the conversation flowing. Most people don’t ask questions in order to get them bounced right back to them, as if they are talking to themselves in the mirror; they actually want to know what you are thinking. So please, share!

And if you’ve ever caught yourself playing the “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” card, in the hopes of seeming affable or not making waves, please cease and desist. Speaking your mind is an important trait. If you can’t be up front and honest with someone before you even begin dating them, what hope is there in your future?

Indecision isn’t cute or friendly, it’s annoying and dishonest. Ban that behavior and watch your dates improve.

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Online Dating from A to Z: HELP!

Welcome to the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge. This month I’ll be working my way through the alphabet, one day at a time, on the subject of Online Dating. If you’ve never visited my blog before, I’m happy you’re here! Be sure to check out my previous A to Z Challenge posts and the books that were inspired by them for more alphabetical fun.

H is for HELP!

When online dating goes wrong, it can go really, really wrong. Here’s a link to just one bad example from Canada (TW: sexual assault).

While I aim to share mainly happy, fun stories about the benefits of online dating, it’s also important to be realistic and remember that anyone you’re meeting for the first time is still a stranger – no matter how much you may have Google stalked them beforehand.

So, how do you stay safe when meeting someone for the first time?

For me, the most important thing is to have a plan in place before meeting up with anyone. Here are some of the best ways to make sure your dates go smoothly:

Tell a friend. Most women tend to do this anyway, whether for gossip purposes or simply to watch out for one another, but everyone should make sure they have a buddy (or two!) who knows exactly where you’re going on your date. Even if you’re just meeting for coffee, let someone know where you’ll be, approximately what time you think you’ll be home, and whether or not they should call or text you afterwards.
Bring a wingman or woman. If you’re getting weird vibes, but still want to meet this person, another trick is to bring a wingman or woman to help you out of potentially sticky situations. Whether you prefer to introduce this person directly to your date, have them stationed in another corner of the café for visual observation, or simply have them on speed dial during the meetup is totally up to you. Having a buddy physically on the premises can really help if you’re not sure about your potential date’s intentions, since they’ll be more lkely to pick up on any red flags you’ve been ignoring.
Memorize a fake number. You never have to give your number out to anyone, and you certainly don’t owe a crappy date any more time. But, when cornered, you may find yourself inadvertently giving out your real number. To avoid this fatal misstep (made, thankfully, less onerous by modern cell phones’ BLOCK feature), have a fake number memorized for whenever someone you’re just not that interested in talking to demands your digits. Some popular wrong numbers include the number of your favorite local pizza joint, the Empire Carpet phone number (which is likely stuck in your head for life if you’ve ever lived in the Chicago area), or the Mary Sue Rejection Hotline .
Order a special drink. If you’ve decided to meet at a bar, and your date is being particularly creepy, you can actually call upon your bartender or server for backup. As even TIME Magazine has detailed, most servers have a special code where you can order an “Angel” shot to signal that you need help getting rid of your date. Alternately, you can ask for Angela with the same result.
Know your boundaries. Whether you’ve decided you like your date or not, it’s important to set boundaries with this person as you go. If you ever feel like your boundaries are being pushed, tested, or downright disrespected, walk away and don’t look back. There’s no sense in getting involved with someone who won’t listen to you from the start, and if you are getting a bad feeling about this person, it’s likely for a good reason – even if your conscious mind can’t quite figure it out. Trust your intuition, and always err on the side of caution until you really get to know someone.

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Online Dating from A to Z: Getting Some

Welcome to the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge. This month I’ll be working my way through the alphabet, one day at a time, on the subject of Online Dating. If you’ve never visited my blog before, I’m happy you’re here! Be sure to check out my previous A to Z Challenge posts and the books that were inspired by them for more alphabetical fun.

G is for Getting Some.

Whether this means full-on sexy times, the most chaste of kisses, or just a decent conversation, online dating is all about getting some.

So how do you get what you want? And how do you make sure all parties involved are happy with the outcome?

This, my friends, is where we discuss the topic of Consent.

To me, no human interactions are truly pleasurable nor fulfilling without some form of consent, indicating that the exchange is a two-way street. Indeed, a simple version of obtaining consent is used at MENSA conventions (among others), where all attendees color-code their nametags with red, yellow or green stickers – just as you’d find on a traffic light. Red indicates that the person wearing the sticker is not open to physical contact (hugs, in particular), yellow means that the wearer would prefer to be asked first (“May I hug you?”) when approached by strangers, and green indicates that the wearer is open to all forms of affectionate contact from any and all sources – so hug away!

Naturally, there are plenty of other ways to obtain consent, including simply asking the other person if they are interested in doing X, Y or Z.

Assuming that consent has been obtained (and yes, this should always be a prerequisite for proceeding!), here’s a short story about how to get what you want from a first date.

Photo by Mira Bozhko on Unsplash

Once upon a time I met a very cute guy on an adult website. He had posted some very hot XXX pictures of himself on a forum devoted to such things, and my friend and I had been ogling him with interest. He was not only hot but also very charming and witty, and we persuaded him to come visit us.

My friend and I both flirted with this guy fairly heavily while we were out and about, enjoying dinner with friends, followed by drinks and dancing, and eventually even sharing the hotel sauna together.

Somehow, we wound up back at my place, trying to keep our voices down because my roommate was asleep in the next room. There were four of us, and this guy and I had been giving one another the sexy eyes all night long. I now found myself sitting on his lap, eager to take him to bed after a long night, and yet my friend and another guy were still with us. How to get rid of them?

If you’re a clever guy, as this guy certainly was, you’ll suggest another place to continue the party, then surreptitiously lag behind as the other two put on their coats and winter boots. When they exit the front door, you’ll grab your girl (in this case, ME), shout “Have fun, kids!” and slam the door on them. Then, you’ll whisk your lover up into your arms and deliver the kiss she’s been waiting for all night long.

To keep this story PG-13, I shall conclude the tale there, and leave the rest to your imagination. (And if you need a little more to fulfill your cravings, please check out my Erotica page for some temptingly tantalizing tales!)

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Online Dating from A to Z: Funny Stories

Welcome to the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge. This month I’ll be working my way through the alphabet, one day at a time, on the subject of Online Dating. If you’ve never visited my blog before, I’m happy you’re here! Be sure to check out my previous A to Z Challenge posts and the books that were inspired by them for more alphabetical fun.

F is for Funny Stories. And boy have I got a boatload of them!

One of the weirdest things that ever happened to me during an online date was when a fellow writer clicked on my profile, proceeded to be incredibly charming, witty and cute via email; invited me to meet up for a drink; and told me over the phone when we chatted prior to the date that he thought I sounded “hot.” (In retrospect, that should’ve been my first red flag. Never declare sexual interest after just a phone call or text exchange!)

When we finally met for said drink he seemed standoffish, and immediately began grilling me about my writing degree (which I had just obtained) and my career plans. He was self-taught, and of the opinion that writing programs simply did not work or that they did not produce graduates whose work merited his attention. I was amused by this absurd stance, since I didn’t plan on justifying myself or my career decisions as a writer to a guy I’d just met, and diverted the conversation to ask who some of his favorite authors were. He ran off a list of stereotypical Male Author Faves, and I asked if he enjoyed any writing by women.

“Like who?” he asked.

“What about Margaret Atwood?” I replied.

We were in Montreal. In Canada, Margaret Atwood is considered a National Treasure. Surely he would have something to say about her?

“I HATE Margaret Atwood!” he informed me. “But I’ve never read any of her books.”

I erupted in laughter at this point. How can you hate a writer if you haven’t read any of their books?!

He glowered at me, as if I were the crazy one.

I asked him if he’d ever read The Handmaid’s Tale, which has always been a popular choice in both U.S. and Canadian high schools (even before the TV series). He said no. I began to explain the plot to him, and his scowl deepened. I told him I really enjoyed the book, and he looked as if he might throw his drink in my face.

“Let’s go for a walk,” he said, standing up.

I agreed, and we headed to a nearby park. He chose a bench, where we sat watching some people feeding ducks. He was silent, and still seemed angry about Margaret Atwood, for some reason. So I did what any normal woman would do when confronted with a date who clearly hates her choice of reading material (and who is possibly a misogynist, to boot): I continued to list facts and trivia about Margaret Atwood.

My date did not say anything more from then on, allowing me to babble on until I had exhausted my Margaret Atwood repertoire – which didn’t take long, since I am by no means a Margaret Atwood specialist, although I do believe I included the story I’d once heard where she reportedly told a group of students, “Honey, I could put my name on the phone book and sell a million copies,” thinking that might get a chuckle out of him. (SPOILER: It didn’t.)

At some point, he stood up and said, “Let’s walk some more.” So I followed alongside, waiting for him to contribute something to the conversation.

Eventually we were back on the street, approaching a subway station.

“Here you go,” he said, and practically shoved me at the station’s doors. He then zoomed off without even a goodbye, and I never heard from him again.

Try mentioning this book on your first date if you’re intent on keeping your virtue intact.

In retrospect, I have to wonder if this guy assumed that I was trying to not-so-subtly imply that I didn’t plan on having sex with him, due to the book’s subject matter? I honestly hadn’t decided one way or the other when we agreed to meet up*, and when I arrived for the date I thought he was cute enough that I might have gone for it. But his decision to grill me about my career as if I were applying for an internship at a publishing company, instead of speaking to me like either a human being or potential lover, was definitely a turnoff.

Have I mentioned that it’s NOT a great idea to treat a first date like a job interview? Yeah… this would be a good illustrative example of several reasons why.

In the end, some might say that Margaret Atwood ruined my date. I prefer to think that she saved me from an ill-fated hook-up with a dude who had terrible taste in writers, kind of like a Feminist Fairy Godmother. Thanks, Margaret!

*For more info on how to decide whether or not to go for it if you are trying to get sexy on the first date, be sure to check back tomorrow for my post on Getting Some!

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Online Dating from A to Z: Exciting Engagement

Welcome to the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge. This month I’ll be working my way through the alphabet, one day at a time, on the subject of Online Dating. If you’ve never visited my blog before, I’m happy you’re here! Be sure to check out my previous A to Z Challenge posts and the books that were inspired by them for more alphabetical fun.

E is for Engagement.

Not the thing with the ring, silly! I’m talking about excitement, enthusiasm, ecstatic connection with another human being.

Online dating should be all about engagement. Does the other person excite you? Have they got you eager to learn more? Do they make you want to meet in person? Those are all great signs!

Once you’re actually out on a date, how do you create engagement?

Ask questions – preferably unusual or open-ended ones. One of the questions that can best help you decide whether this person is long-term relationship material is “ Wouldn’t it be fun to chuck it all and go live on a sailboat? ” If your answers don’t match up, well… you’ve got your answer.
Listen as much as you talk. Remember, it’s about give and take, not just impressing your date with your own point of view.
Take it slow. You don’t have to be head-over-heels with this person the moment you meet. Take the time to get to know them, and to enjoy the date itself. After all, this is supposed to be fun!
If you’re hitting it off, make some fun suggestions for a second date. You and your date can brainstorm together, to make it fun for both of you.

What other tips do you have for creating engagement between two people on a first date?

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Online Dating from A to Z: Do’s, Don’ts and Dealbreakers

Welcome to the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge. This month I’ll be working my way through the alphabet, one day at a time, on the subject of Online Dating. If you’ve never visited my blog before, I’m happy you’re here! Be sure to check out my previous A to Z Challenge posts and the books that were inspired by them for more alphabetical fun.

D is for Do’s, Don’ts, and Dealbreakers.

We all have our dealbreakers when it comes to relationships. As I’ve learned from transcribing several seasons of Married At First Sight, most men and women hold smoking cigarettes as their number one dealbreaker. I find this fascinating, not only because smoking is clearly a habit that can be broken if one so desires, but also because no one ever seems to mention much more serious dealbreakers. What about political differences? Not wanting kids? Religious clashes? Big personality flaws like narcissism?

As someone who previously maintained a running list of more than 200 dealbreakers, I am also fascinated that no one has yet mentioned bed wetter or stuck on jackhammer setting in bed as their dealbreakers, but perhaps these folks are dealing with a better class of people than I met during my online dating years?

Other dealbreakers the MAFS peeps have mentioned include body odor and facial tattoos, so at least we have that in common!

Along with dealbreakers, I thought I would mention just two Do’s and Don’ts for online dating, which I will address in more detail in upcoming posts (particularly H is for HELP!).

Do…

Ask your date plenty of questions, before and during your first meet-up. (See: Coffee)

Don’t…

Arrange to meet without an exit strategy. Have a friend call or text you after the date to check in.

Do…

Offer to split the bill, as it keeps things low-pressure for both parties.

Don’t…

Meet anyone for the first time at your home or theirs! Safety first.

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Online Dating from A to Z: Coupling Over Coffee

Welcome to the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge. This month I’ll be working my way through the alphabet, one day at a time, on the subject of Online Dating. If you’ve never visited my blog before, I’m happy you’re here! Be sure to check out my previous A to Z Challenge posts and the books that were inspired by them for more alphabetical fun.

C is for Coupling Over Coffee.

As mentioned in my previous post, the best way to turn an online match into a real relationship is to start with a low-pressure Coffee Date.

In case you’re not familiar with the concept, the idea is simple: meet your potential date in a casual, fun environment for the very first meeting. Why? Because going out on a full-fledged date, like dinner and a movie, is time-consuming and expensive (not to mention super high-pressure!), and if the person you’re with turns out to be a dud, it’s far easier to extract yourself from a coffee date than a several-hours-long “real” date.

The beauty of the coffee date is that it is intentionally kept short. Half an hour, max, is a decent amount of time to meet up with someone and see if you have any spark of connection. You can plan a coffee date during the day, where you can get a better first impression than in a dimly-lit bar, and it’s easy to see whether your date has good manners (tipping and treating the barista or server well, for example) as well as an opportunity to measure their conversational skills.

While some folks fear that coffee may put them in the “friend zone,” I would argue that the best way to start any relationship is as casually as possible. When there is pressure on either party to perform typical “date night” rituals, such as paying someone else’s way or feeling as if you “owe” the other party for doing so, things can get awkward. With the coffee date, if both parties have fun, a second date is easily set up or requested on the spot. If not, it’s easy to part ways without feeling as if either of you has been embarrassed or used.

Does a coffee date have to involve coffee? What if you prefer tea? Juice? Smoothies? Ice cream? Or an alcoholic beverage? Go for it! My concept of the coffee date is fluid, although I generally think that there’s less pressure involved if both parties are consuming non-alcoholic beverages, and if you generally substitute low-cost snacks or beverages in place of coffee. But, again, this all depends on what you’re really looking for from a date, and it’s best to be honest with your would-be partner-in-crime.

The most important part of the coffee date? HAVE FUN! Remember: it’s not a job interview, it’s a date! Ask interesting questions about your date, or ask them whether they like horror movies and see what they say. Who knows? It might give you some wild ideas for your second date…

Check back tomorrow to learn more about Do’s, Don’ts and Dealbreakers!

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The post Online Dating from A to Z: Coupling Over Coffee appeared first on Buttontapper Press.

Online Dating from A to Z: Blind Dates

Welcome to the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge. This month I’ll be working my way through the alphabet, one day at a time, on the subject of Online Dating. If you’ve never visited my blog before, I’m happy you’re here! Be sure to check out my previous A to Z Challenge posts and the books that were inspired by them for more alphabetical fun.

B is for Blind Dates. Because sometimes online dating can seem a lot like being set up by a friend or relative whose motives remain mysterious.

First of all, what really happens on a blind date?

Baring your soul?

Building trust?

Bonding?

Or just… boredom?

While I’ve heard that some folks have had good luck with blind dates, I’ve never known anyone personally who has. I feel like there may be some sort of conspiracy going on there, but I haven’t figured out all the details yet.

Basically, a blind date is a trust exercise. You are putting your fate in someone else’s hands, and asking them to match you up with someone else they know who might be a good fit.

When it comes to online dating the approach is similar, but instead of a trusted friend you are placing your fate in the hands of a computer algorithm that matches people based on how similar their profiles appear to be – whether that’s simply matching people in the same geographic location, or connecting people who’ve chosen similar interests or other items from a variety of lists.

Is it really a science? Kind of. Is it more about luck? Definitely.

For me, the best way to avoid jumping into a date that is 100% unknown is to try to get to know the person online before agreeing to meet up. Scan their profile for anything you might have in common, and ask them questions. You don’t need to make it an interrogation; just try to see if the other person seems generally interested in pursuing a conversation, and whether they are captivating enough to hold your attention.

Then, hit ’em up with an invite for a Coffee Date – the subject of tomorrow’s post!

Have you ever been on a blind date?

What happened? Was it a success or failure?

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Online Dating from A to Z: Awesome Apps

Welcome to the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge. This month I’ll be working my way through the alphabet, one day at a time, on the subject of Online Dating. If you’ve never visited my blog before, I’m happy you’re here! Be sure to check out my previous A to Z Challenge posts and the books that were inspired by them for more alphabetical fun.

A is for Apps

So let’s get tapping!

If you’re currently alive and of dating age, you’ve probably heard of a handful of dating apps like Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, OkCupid, PlentyOfFish, and maybe even Coffee Meets Bagel (my personal favorite in the “Nonthreatening Names” category), The League, Happn, and Zoosk.

But did you know that there are THOUSANDS of dating apps out there?!

As the website Statista (which lists several apps with millions of users that I have never even heard of, including Badoo and Lovoo) notes:

“Online dating is no longer seen as a last attempt for the desperate and lonely to find their soul mate. The stigma is beginning to dissipate as an increasing amount of Americans believe that online dating is now socially acceptable. During an April 2017 survey, 84 percent of dating app users stated that they were using online dating services to look for a romantic relationship.”

Back when I first started online dating, apps didn’t even exist. Moreover, dating websites like Match.com didn’t exist, either. I actually started online dating in the nerdiest and most stigmatized way possible (circa ~1993): via online message boards.

In the olden days of Online Dating, if you hit it off with someone who was posting on the message boards, you’d hit them up with a more private message via email. After some back and forth in the ol’ inbox, eventually the adventurous online dater would ask to chat with their would-be honey via instant messengers that resembled an early version of iChat. How courtly, how quaint!

When I say that I’m glad to see that the stigma attached to online dating is gone, I’m also glad that the technology behind it has slightly improved – while also staying (somewhat amazingly) much the same. People today can still meet on message boards, level up to email or text messages, and eventually arrange in-person dates.

But now they can also use apps!

What’s an app and why should I care?

So let’s talk dating apps. What are they? How do they work?

Similar to Facebook or Twitter, which are available both as apps (accessible from your smartphone or tablet) and as websites (accessible via your laptop or desktop computer), most dating apps are just mobile-friendly versions of dating websites. Unlike Facebook and Twitter, however, the most popular dating apps help you find dates by matching you up with people in your geographic area, and then allow you to sort the ones you like from the ones you don’t by scrolling through profiles and either swiping right (+) or left (-).

Simple, right?

One of the most frequently asked questions is “Which online dating app is the best?” And the answer is… that depends.

What are you looking for? Love? Marriage? A one-night stand? Friendship with benefits? Different dating apps are geared towards different types of relationships, so it’s important to be honest about what you really want. If you’re only looking for sex, don’t pretend otherwise. It’s rude, dangerous, and ultimately really disrespectful to the people who are looking for something more. Honesty really is the best policy, because at least 24% of users of online dating apps are just looking for sex, and there are plenty of apps and websites where you can find exactly that.

If, on the other hand, you’re looking for something more serious, you’ll probably want to take a look at Match.com – the USA’s biggest dating website – along with Tinder and Bumble. As psychologist Eli Finkel notes, it’s all a numbers game, and you’ll went to cast your net as widely as possible. The goal isn’t to stay on the sites themselves, but to find someone that sparks your interest and then arrange to meet up for coffee or a drink where you can get to know them in person.

And that’s the real beauty of apps: tons and tons and TONS of potential matches to choose from!

Just remember when you’re swiping left and right on various people’s faces that you can’t always judge a book by its cover, and sometimes the most unassuming of profiles can lead to much more than you’d ever guess from a quick glance.

Ready to give dating apps a try?

Then get your swiping finger ready and start looking for love in some of these virtual places:

Match.com
Tinder
Bumble
OkCupid
PlentyOfFish (the site where I met my husband!)

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you back here tomorrow for Blind Dates!

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