Zachary Ricks's Blog, page 18

Trust30 – #17 – Fear

Greatness appeals to the future. If I can be firm enough to-day to do right, and scorn eyes, I must have done so much right before as to defend me now. Be it how it will, do right now. Always scorn appearances, and you always may. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Huh. The question for this post is practically a blog post in itself: Trusting intuition and making decisions based on it is the most important activity of the creative artist and entrepreneur. If you are facing (and fearing) a difficult life decision, ask yourself these three questions:

1) "What are the costs of inaction?" I find it can be helpful to fight fear with fear. Fears of acting are easily and immediately articulated by our "lizard brains" (thanks Seth) e.g. what if I fail? what if I look stupid? If you systematically and clearly list the main costs of inaction, they will generally overshadow your immediate fears.

2) "What kind of person do I want to be?" I've found this question to be extremely useful. I admire people who act bravely and decisively. I know the only way to join their ranks is to face decisions that scare me. By seeing my actions as a path to becoming something I admire, I am more likely to act and make the tough calls.

3) "In the event of failure, could I generate an alterative positive outcome?" Imagine yourself failing to an extreme. What could you learn or do in that situation to make it a positive experience? We are generally so committed to the results we seek at the outset of a task or project that we forget about all the incredible value and experience that comes from engaging the world proactively, learning, and improving our circumstances as we go along.

(Author: Dan Andrews)

What can I add to this? The questions are awesome, and identifying what's holding you back is invaluable. Are you worried that you're going to suck? Don't worry about it. Everyone sucks. At first. Worried that you'll expose yourself as a fraud? Some of the best writers I know seem to suffer from that fear. What's causing your inactivity? What are the benefits to you NOT going for it? People don't ask themselves this, and I think it's in part because they don't want to admit to themselves that there are benefits to inaction. Which there have to be. If you're NOT doing something that you apparently have every reason to do, trust me when I say that there's a reason you're NOT doing it. Identify the reason, and then take a real hard look. Is it worth it? What are my costs of inaction? Is it lost revenue? Lost opportunity? A loss of self-respect? (All of the above.)

What kind of person do I want to be? Remember a few days ago when I talked about not finding yourself, but defining yourself? Here's that issue again. (I want to be someone who pushes past their fear in faith and hope – which is a form of courage.)

And last, what does failure do? It tells you what doesn't work. It lets you know what your limits are, where the boundaries are. And then you have an opportunity to accept them or to push them. Along the way, you get stronger, you gain skills and experience, and that can be invaluable. You learn more from your failures than from your successes, so in at least one sense, your failures are more valuable to you than your successes.

I'm managing editor of a little magazine called FlagShip. To date, it has not been what I would consider a financial success. But I learn about story, I learn about publishing. I learn how to push myself to get things turned around. I learn to face my fears and to push past things I don't really want to do (slush reading / critique writing, mostly). I learn about editing and managing a team of creative people, and so in one sense, it's been a fantastic success. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. Having said that, I'm still looking for ways to make this succeed in a financial sense.

In what other areas are you (am I) holding back because of fear?

Trust30 – #16 – Your Dreams

Here's the Emerson quote: Abide in the simple and noble regions of thy life, obey thy heart. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

And here's the prompt: Write down your top three dreams. Now write down what's holding you back from them.

You know, there's an old quote that's attributed to Joseph Campbell. Campbell, if I remember correctly, wound up regretting that he said that. According to wikipedia, because people used that quote as a justification for hedonism, he's later reported to have grumbled "I should have said 'follow your blisters.'" So, to realize success – which I will hereby define as being able to provide food, clothing, shelter, + a little extra for some fun, your dreams – your bliss or whatever – needs to coincide with the needs of the marketplace.

Yes, I'm a capitalist. But as Danny Elfman said, "There's nothing wrong with capitalism." (YouTube link)

And yes, I'm perfectly aware that Elfman may not espouse that view today.

So, what are your dreams?

Mine are to write well enough to be able to support my family with my writing. I've been reading David Mamet's The Secret Knowledge today, and it's some of the best writing advice I've ever seen. Of course, it's also an interesting take on education, writing, politics, etc. I don't know that I'll ever be as good as Mamet. And that's okay. I don't have to be. I just have to be good enough to sell. And while that may not be the most predictable thing in the world, it has the virtue of being very clear of when you've gotten there. Good enough to sell enough – that's my goal. How to get there? Pffft. Write. Write more. Edit. Polish. Submit. Self-publish some. All that jazz.

Second dream – I'd like to lose about forty pounds. I'm up from last year (last year I would have said I wanted to lose twenty pounds. It's been a stressful year.) I've joined a gym this year, and I'm going a couple times a week, so I'm taking baby steps toward that.

And last but certainly not least, I'd like to own a house. The wife and I currently reside with her grandparents, which has worked out pretty well. They're getting on in years, and aside from technical troubleshooting I've also done a little legal work for them. The wife cooks, Queso entertains, etc. But we really want to get out and on our own. See dream #1. I don't know that my writing is going to get me to House Ownership status on a schedule any of us would like it to be, so there's going to be some other work done – lawyering and whatnot, I imagine. The other day I asked someone what I should be charging as a new attorney and they quoted me a figure. So, I suppose add one more dream there – I'd like to get paid what apparently I should be worth in the marketplace.

That would be nice.

Trust30 – #15 – Pull. Pull. Pull!

A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yes, it's always easy to discount your own inspiration. But (and I know I'm venturing again into crazy crypto-religion talk here), sometimes that thought isn't your own, and dismissing it runs the risk of offending the source.

Going Back To Pressfield and Resistance, and throwing a dash of theology into the mix, Pressfield says that there are two forces at work.

First, there is the force of Resistance. That's the one he's known for talking about. He's always going on and on about Resistance. How the hardest part of sitting down and writing is the sitting down and writing. Starting can be the hardest part. Of course, it's not the only hard thing. Resistance happens throughout the process. It's the Adversary.

But you also have an Advocate. If you accept the premise that there is within this world that which seeks to darken, diminish, discourage, and destroy (Resistance), then how much of a leap is it to believe that there is that which seeks to enlighten, edify, encourage, and empower?

And in between is us. Yes, we face Resistance. And at times that Resistance can be strong. But it is never insurmountable. We have the ability to face and fight Resistance and seek for Inspiration.

Story Time! This is my daughter's favorite story of when I was in the Philippines. For those of you who don't know, I spent two years there between the ages of 19 to shortly after I turned 21, as a missionary for my church. Every year at Christmastime, all the missionaries would get together at a small ag-college in Ormoc City, Leyte. We would celebrate Christmas with other, and part of the celebration was always the mini-Olympics. The missionaries were broken down into teams, and I was on the Green team.

Now, the green team never won anything, and the Red team kind of won everything going away. We were the Charlie Browns of the Christmas Conference. But I had heard from my Uncle just before leaving Idaho, about a technique a boy scout troop had used at camp to win tug-o-wars. And so, when the Tug-O-War came around, being the biggest guy on the team, it was only natural that I take the position of anchor. I tied myself to the rope, kicked off my flip-flops (tsinilas, in the Filipino), and when they said "Go", I turned, dropped to all fours, and dug in with my fingers and toes. Resistance ensued. But I crawled, and dug in, and the team pulled, and we won. We beat the Blue team.

The next group was the Red Team. Their anchor had seen my technique, and apparently thought it was a good idea, because (I later found out) he decided to copy it. Resistance ensued. It was HARD. And I found myself at the point where I was about ready to give up. What's the use? I thought to myself. There's no way we're going to win. It's just too hard.

Suddenly, just to my side appeared one of the sister missionaries – Sister Raj. She commenced jumping up and down and clapping and saying "Go, Elder Ricks! Go Elder Ricks!" And I couldn't give up. So I dug in tighter, pushed harder, and we inched our way back until we won. Now, Sister Raj was not on our team, but she helped. And when you're faced with Resistance, you can get help from unexpected sources that may be outside yourself. But never imagine that the help isn't there.

Because the next year, I thought I was responsible for the win. And every time the green team lost something, I would grumble under my breath It's okay. We'll win the tug-o-war.

And I was a little full of myself, and a little proud, I guess, and when we won the first two rounds of the tug-o-war going away, I maybe said some things that didn't really make sense in Filipino, but expressed a viewpoint that I was responsible for the win.

It was the last round. Everything was going fine, we were making steady progress, when suddenly I was ripped out of the ground, and flew back about ten feet, colliding forcefully with the mission president's daughter. WHAM! And I spent the next ten minutes or so wandering around in a daze, trying to figure out what happened. How did we lose? I thought. I couldn't understand it.

Turns out, we'd won.

Maybe the team wanted to teach me a lesson. Maybe it was inadvertent, but when we won, everyone on my team dropped the rope and raised their hands in a rousing cheer. But I, not being privy to this plan, and not aware that we'd won, and also being tied to the rope, and the other team continuing to pull, brought home in a very real and forceful way that I was not alone in my fight against Resistance. And neither are you, not to put too fine a point on it.

Make no mistake. Those forces are balanced. The final decision is yours. You are the deciding factor – the tipping point. You decide if Resistance will win.

But don't think for a moment that you're in that fight alone. Don't dismiss that thought because of Resistance. It might be you. It might be your own muse, jumping up and down, saying "Pull! Pull! Pull!" How can you give up when the cheering section is right there?

Trust30 – #14 – Wholly Strange and New

Well, I think this will qualify as strange, if nothing else. Wild rambling, stream of consciousness, and cheating by way of audio posting.

Maybe I should say it's not cheating. It's "Media enriched."

Trust30 #14 – Wholly Strange and New

Well, I think this will qualify as strange, if nothing else. Wild rambling, stream of consciousness, and cheating by way of audio posting.

Maybe I should say it's not cheating. It's "Media enriched."

Trust30 – #13 – Work as Reflection

Do your work, and I shall know you. Do your work, and you shall reinforce yourself. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Back in post #9, I talked a little about the difference between finding yourself and defining yourself. Well, here we are.

Creative work is especially interesting this way. I think I have a good sense of the kind of person Jim Butcher is because of my reading of The Dresden Files and The Codex Alera (which is one of my favorite heroic fantasy series ever and if you haven't read it, Oh My Heck Go Fix That Right Now). Likewise, I think I have a good sense of the kind of person Tracy Hickman is, or Alan Dean Foster, or any number of other authors whose work I read and enjoy. It may or may not be true.

But what about non-creative work? In the day job, I herd words around, but it's extremely technical contract language. Can you see me in that work? Maybe a piece of me? Maybe. Can I see the work of a bricklayer or a blacksmith or a ditch-digger and gain an insight into that person? Maybe. John Henry defined himself with his pickaxe, after all. And that's a two way street. John Henry chose the pickaxe. And the pickaxe – the work – shaped him. You define yourself by choosing and doing your work.

Again, there's always this sort of chicken and egg thing that people could get into about how do I know what my work is, and how do I know I'm right, and all of that navel-gazing, self-referential b.s. Heck, in the last post, I talk about how being open to all the alternatives can be a form of resistance. Analysis paralysis. (I am totally and intimately familiar with this.) Screw that. Do some work. And you'll know if it's the right thing. I've never really admitted it to myself or to anyone else before, but there was a part of me that really enjoyed farming. There's something incredibly soothing about driving up and down the field in a huge tractor, cultivating, plowing, planting, etc. The sun going down. The low thrum of the engine.

Of course, the whole time I was out there, what was I doing? Making up stories. Which I suppose should have been an indication.

Quit worrying about the RIGHT path, and make a decision. Trust yourself enough to recognize that a) if it's the wrong path, you can get off it. and b) you either right now have the ability or can develop the ability to discern and choose the right path. You'll know it when you're on it. And do the best you can right now. I'm not kicking myself too hard for the writing I took to the writers group, because it was the best I knew how to do. Now I know how to do a little better, and the work will improve. And so will I.

Trust30 – #12 – Seeing the Path

When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name; the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Okay. I will totally admit right now, I have no idea what Emerson is talking about here. Along with each of these little blurbs from Emerson comes a suggested question or thrust for the blog post. I typically ignore it. The one that's attached to this one talks about taking alternative paths – being open to the possibility of new opportunities. And I can appreciate the need to be open to alternatives. Case in point… I got my first critique at the local writers' group tonight.The feedback I got was spot on, and addressed something that I don't do a good job with. In fact, I had committed one of my own pet peeves in reading fiction. My supposed protagonist… was passive. In essence, he was a log floating down a river, bumping against unseen rocks, being pushed by the current, and not exercising any motive force of his own. I detest that in my fiction. And I was so close to the piece, I didn't see that I hadn't clearly brought out my protagonist's motivations, mental state, thought process, etc. I thought that stuff was all in there. Nope.

So, I would agree that you do need to be open to an alternative point of view. Absolutely. But constantly being aware of and looking for alternative paths can be a form of Resistance in and of itself. Remember that the title of the essay that all of these quotes are coming from is "Self Reliance". You do need to be open to another person's point of view, and if there's a better way to get to where you want to be, then great. But while I may want to be open to another's point of view, that doesn't mean that I have to accept that other person's point of view as equally valid as my own – and it HAS TO BE THAT WAY FOR ME TO EVER ACCEPT THE POSSIBILITY THAT I MAY BE WRONG. Maybe that other person's view really is better than mine, maybe it's not. Returning to the writer's group critique – some people's critiques strike me as something that I can use to improve, and some don't. I'll work with the bits that I think fit, and work to improve the work. At the end of the day, the question is – am I moving toward the goal? To continue yesterday's analogy, everyone wants to get to the tree. The question is, have you really grabbed the rod or not? How do you know?

Maybe that's what Emerson is talking about. The way, the thought, the good comes to us without the need for an intermediary party. It simply is. We can recognize it, if we're paying attention to the right voice inside of ourselves. And perhaps our ability to discern that thought – to pay attention to that voice – grows as we do it more often. Like any skill, hearing the right voice may be something that we can improve with practice and time. Not every path will lead us to the goal. And sometimes the most appealing path really is the one that is the most dangerous for us to follow. We may have good intentions, but still be merrily tripping our way to someplace that we do not want to be. Meanwhile, the rod may have a bend in it that takes us someplace we did not anticipate – someplace that we did not think we wanted to be. And short term, that may really suck. But pressing forward, eventually we find a reason, or new strength, or a talent we didn't know we had. By pressing forward, we will be pushing ourselves, and that develops us.

One of the symbols that figures prominently in the dream I referenced in yesterday's post is mists of darkness. In the analogy, this is temptation – a temporary blindness that moves us off the path if we are not holding to the rod. "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Because you can't see the path. No one sees the whole path. And walking straight ahead can be dangerous also. You don't know what obstacles are in the way. There could be a pit there. Or a river. Or who knows what. And you can miss the opportunity that the rod would lead you to.

The true path is at our feet. The rod is close at hand. Grab ahold, and accept that you won't see the path sometimes. Do the work. Even if you did create a passive protagonist. Even if there's a voice that is anticipating that people are going to think you're a fraud, or a talentless hack, or that you obviously don't belong in this group of writers (all thoughts that went through my head tonight, none of which happened).

Press forward.

Trust30 – #11 – Geekiness, Truth, and the Path

Part of this Trust30 exercise is to clarify my own thinking, and in so doing, I'll be using analogies and language that make the most sense to me – and a big part of that is my religious practice. This isn't meant as an attempt to convince people to my way of thinking. Rather, it's an attempt to explain my thinking to myself. Anyone reading this is, of course, welcome to draw their own analogies, use their own metaphors, and do their own writing, thank you very much. Let me also state at the outset that I'm someone that believes that things can be objectively true. That they are true not based on our point of view, thank you very much, Obi-Wan (and even then, note that Obi-Wan said many, not all – and in that, the Emperor mirrors that language in RotJ when he says that Luke is mistaken about a great many things), but that they are true despite our point of view. And once I accept that as a starting premise, the next question has to be: Oh Say, What is Truth? And this writing helps me think about that, and maybe come closer to it. At least, that's the goal.

Here's today's Emerson.

I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

There's a lot to pack here. I've talked about trusting yourself, and making decisions, and doing work. This quote brings a couple of things to mind. Pokémon, an iron rod, and a tree. Why? Beats me. Let me ramble on for a bit, and we'll see what tumbles out.

First things first. The Pokémon. I will freely admit to playing a game in each generation since I got Yellow for my birthday over ten years ago. But it wasn't the game that really sunk its hooks into me. It was (here's a horrifying admission) the cartoon. The first episode of Pokémon is a great story. You've got the hero who wants to be the world's best Pokémon trainer. Of course, he starts out, and he's a bit of a goofball. His Pokémon, the ever-present Pikachu, is constantly shocking him because he's a goofball. Hilarity ensues. And then there's this scene. Our idiot hero has mistaken a Spearow, a vicious little bird Pokémon that travels in big groups, for a Pidgey – a much calmer, much easier to catch bird. The Spearows come after our hero and Pikachu. And you'd expect the goofball to take off, right? But not our goofball. His Pokémon absolutely refuses to retreat to the safety of a ball. So he winds up shielding the Pikachu from attacks using his own body. It's that scene, hearing Ash cry out as the birds attack him, and seeing his Pokémon come to the realization Okay, this guy is a total goofball. But his heart is in the right place. I guess it's time to bring the hurt. Much zapping of Spearow ensues, and a bond is forged between Ash and Pikachu that's lasted for hundreds of episodes. Don't get me wrong, it's a little repetitive after so many episodes, but it's that first episode that really sunk the hooks of story into me and that I still think about when I play the game. The story reflects something – something that I believe is Capital-T True, and is hard to put into words, but says something about love, self-sacrifice, and respect that has to be earned.

Now, there is a part of me that feels the hooks of story sinking in – (happened this evening when I was watching the second half of the series premiere of… shudder… My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic) and then I may mutter under my breath "YOU EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE B@$%@#&$!" but that's what story CAN do. It can teach, it can inspire, it can edify. That's what I want to do in my own writing – lift others up. Say something about things that I believe are Capital-T True. And that can have power in story that it won't necessarily have otherwise. Music has that power to edify and inspire also, and a lot of times, I'll find myself telling a story in my head that goes with the music I'm listening to. Sometimes that gets written down (High Moon, for example, came in no small part from John Bon Jovi's Blaze of Glory from the Young Guns soundtrack).

I've pointed out in a prior post that I'm LDS, and one of the stories that people of my faith enjoy is called the Tree of Life. It's a dream – a vision that gets recorded in the Book of Mormon in 1st Nephi Chapter 8 – and gets expanded a TON in Chapters 11-15. The whole thing is packed with symbols, but two of those symbols are exactly what Emerson is talking about in this quote. In the dream, a man named Lehi sees a huge field with people wandering around. He looks, and he sees this tree at the other end of the field – a tree with fruit that he knows is good. The way it's described in the account is "…a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy". That's the goal. Happiness. But between the people and the tree, there's all kinds of trouble, problems, wrong paths, mists of darkness, a river of filthy water, rifts, etc. Leading up to the tree is an iron rod – which in the dream is interpreted as the word of God. It would be theologically correct, and maybe a little more acceptable to people of other faiths, or no faith, to call the rod Truth. And at that point, it's pretty simple. You grab hold of the truth, and press forward, and eventually, you get to the tree. One of the admonitions LDS people give each other is "Hold to the Rod." It's in one of my favorite hymns.

Again, my goal isn't to get people to change to my way of thinking, or to convert people to my church. Still. I think it's a fantastic hymn.

People let go of the rod all the time. They say "Oh, I don't need to put in that effort." or "I'll never make it anyway," and they let go and wander off. They get distracted by shiny objects, the Internet, the "thick of thin things". They pay attention to other voices that make fun of them for wanting to get to the tree, and they submit to the Resistance of other people. And then they don't get to the tree.

Grab the rod. Find and embrace truth.

One foot in front of the other. Press forward.

And eventually… you'll get to the tree. (But understand, just because you made it to the tree, Resistance doesn't stop)

That's probably enough headiness for one post.

Trust30 – #10 – Voices

These are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quiet time is something that's really important to me, but it seems to be in particularly short supply – especially when I'm at home. There's five people in the house, the tv in the front room is always on, someone is usually on one of the computers in the office, and so on and so forth. And it never fails – just as I want to sit down and write something, someone comes in and turns on a tv. The one in the front room is always on (My Sweet Honey's grandpa has permanently installed himself on the couch there, and watches a LOT of the Lifetime Movie Network. Or the History Channel, which wouldn't be so bad if they showed something that involved a little… I dunno… history? When did the History Channel get so interested in Nostradamus and Alien Astronauts being responsible for everything from the pyramids to the Exodus story?)

So when I talk about looking for space and time for writing, it's usually the space that I'm looking for. I get distracted by sound pretty easily, and so sometimes (especially at the day job), the best thing I can do is put the earphones in and turn on the Rush. (Roll the Bones gets a lot of play on the ol' iPod.)

But I suppose that isn't exactly what Emerson had in mind. I know what he's talking about. There's two voices inside of you – one that entreats you to be the best you can be, to do your work, to be honest and honorable and diligent. It's the voice that encourages you to be the best you can. And then there's the other voice. It says a lot of different things. You'll never make it. You're not good enough. You should give up. Or, there's no harm in doing that thing you're thinking of. Everyone's doing it. It's no big deal. Through discouragement, or through the promotion of appetite over aspiration, that voice tries to bring you down. That voice is our old and eternal Adversary – Resistance.

Why would you do what everyone else is doing? Because you're just like everyone else? Really? I've never been just like everyone else. And chances are the same could be said of you. Push through the Resistance. Silence or no, make your space where it counts – in your heart and head.

So be yourself. Listen to the right voice, and be your BEST self. And then get to work.

Trust30 #9 – Imitation

Let's get into it.

Imitation is Suicide. Insist on yourself; never imitate. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

But in order to not imitate, one might say, one has to find out who one really is. Right? I think a lot of people think that, and it's something that I used to subscribe to m'self. Lately, I've been thinking it's really not the case. Yes, there is work that is your calling to perform, that you alone can do, that is Your Work.

But when you worry about "finding yourself", and think "I have to find myself before I can do my work", then that can be a problem, and can really be a form of Resistance. Don't spend time trying to "find yourself." Yes, try new things. Yes, seek out good, worthwhile, new, uplifting experiences. They won't all be good, worthwhile, new, and uplifting, but seek those out. And in the meantime, DEFINE yourself.

In my psych undergrad, one of the things I really liked was a school of thought that we called hermenuetic psychology. The idea was, that people are always telling themselves stories about themselves, the world they live in, and their place in it. Story telling and psychology – any wonder that I was excited about it? This is an empowering thing. You want to change your perception of the world? Want to change your outlook and your situation? Change the story that you tell yourself every day. Define your own role, and then work to make that definition fit. It won't be perfect. It requires some trust in your ability to make decisions, while simultaneously understanding that you won't always be right. You'll have to adjust course again and again. But in so doing, in making the decisions that do fit, in working toward being a happier, better, harder-working, smarter-working, more effective person…

you find yourself.

And that is something no one else will be able to imitate.