Elizabeth A. Havey's Blog, page 12
November 8, 2020
GRATEFUL…
In the Midwest, the grass is thickening and widening, the color deep and truly green. When the sun slants through my garden door around three o’clock in the afternoon, you can see the yellow-green haze of color flowing through the yard. There are a few roses lifting their lovely heads. The aster’s purple is fading and the apple tree has lost all of its golden leaves. The mums on my front porch sigh with loss, but we can still celebrate the colors of fall, the orange of pumpkins, the symbols of the end of the season, the perfect blend to highlight the green grass that will return and the golden leaves that blow and sparkle like some crazy fairy dust.
AUTUMN CHORES
My back garden walk is now swept clean, allowing me to enjoy the tidiness of the fading season. When things fall back toward the earth, the outlines of garden and lawn, of walkway and road, become more apparent. This definition pleases my sense of order and organization.
Fall is the time to remember the trailing vines and the riot of summer flower color, to now become satisfied with the quieter tones that hug the ground–the shaped evergreens, remnants of fall that are softening, the air cooler, drier. The skies have swept up too, presenting swathes of crystal blue. You can see the definitive outlines of the trees, and the houses along the street–definition being the order of this season. It’s soothing and with family help, garden things are cleaned and put away, everything quietly asleep, waiting for a reawakening.
THIS IS THE TIME...
to store energy, like rabbits and squirrels or fly away, like birds who leave for warmer places. With Covid 19, most of us will stay in place, storing energy for the burst of growth in the spring. I have always been a person who seeks solace and quietude more than riotous living. I don’t like loud bars, overdrinking and eating. I like the lines of furniture in my rooms, broken only by the placement of things I love that sit on their surfaces—a flowered pillow, a piece of crystal, a flowing candle of light.
This is my season to highlight my rooms with colors like autumn leaf, chamois and seagrass, all reminding me of endings, good endings that are resolute and leave one feeling blessed, not sorrowful.
Autumn is the time to tidy up one’s house, yard and soul as the earth prepares for sleep and hibernation. In colder climates, like the squirrels, we stock up on food-energy and light-energy, remnants of what our ancestors needed to survive. We find a time when we can settle back into our brains and examine who we are, where we are going, and how we might improve. Life cannot be lived like the riot of spring where nature blows her wad and lets everything grow and rush about, sperm floating in the millions until it whittles itself down to one plant, one bud. We humans must be more judicious in our use of fertility and in how we utilize and share our bounty.
THINGS TO DO…
In autumn, we need to count the jars in the cellar, the apples in the basket, the sins on the soul. We need to tidy our lives and draw within to discover how we will survive, how we will make it through the dark times of our lives. In spring, when life comes back, we hope to have no fears for the future.
I will miss the complacency of California, where change is not so noticeable as it will be this year, being back in the Midwest. So what’s happening? Our fireplace is being cleaned tomorrow and we have a new shed to store wood. . .
What rituals do you go through as the seasons change?
Anne Lamott writes: “Autumn ain’t so shabby for Wow, either. The colors are broccoli and flame and fox fur. The tang is apples, death, and wood smoke. The rot smells faintly of grapes, of fermentation, of one element being changed alchemically into another, and the air is moist and you sleep under two down comforters in a cold room. The trails are not dusty anymore, and you get to wear your favorite sweaters.”
Thanks to Jennifer Williamson
November 1, 2020
Hoping to Smell the Roses
Hoping to Smell the Roses
I save things. Like a piece from the magazine “Loyola Chicago”, written by Hannah Rockwell. Like the above photo that accompanied it.
Rockwell is reacting to many things, but stresses the proliferation of enclosed malls in the United States–because when the piece was written, malls “outnumbered cities, four-year colleges, hospitals, hotels or movie theaters.” Rockwell sees this proliferation of wandering, shopping, as a metaphor for the WORLD OF WANTING. And then she stresses that “the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that children in our country under the age of 15 are 12 times more likely to be killed by gunfire than children in the top-25 industrial countries.”
Rockwell wants us to see that we must recognize how much we actually have, cherish all that has come to us. She wants us to live simply, be present to our own experience, help pass these important messages on to our children. She wants us to “smell the roses.”
SO TODAY… I want that too. I want that for all of America, but I also know that today, we are at a precipice. The roses are fading for many of us. Voices across the country are coming together loud and clear:
Jennifer Senior: 45 has normalized selfishness.
L. Friedman: The whole world has gotten darker.
Roger Cohen: He severed America from the idea of America.
Michelle Goldberg: Four years of cultural impoverishment.
David Brooks: Smashing the ‘decency floor.’
Maureen Dowd: It’s exhausting to be this outraged all the time.
Charles M. Blow: How could we have been so blind?
Ross Douthat: Have we learned nothing?
Farhad Manjoo: He shattered the comfortable bliss of not having to pay attention!
And there were those who were asked about their AMERICAN DREAM…
Kimberly Berry: The day I realized that no matter how hard I work or how smart and educated I am, as a Black woman in America I will always be perceived as invisible.
Marcel Dzama: It’s paralyzing to consider how much we’ve lost in the last four years: the human lives, our democratic norms, the health of our planet. I was imagining a migrant child lost in a decaying earth of our doing. The death is staggering.
SO THINK HARD ABOUT THE FUTURE OF AMERICA. Then, if you haven’t already, VOTE. We all want roses to bloom for our children and grandchildren. Thanks for reading.
Photo Credit, Loyola Chicago Magazine Thanks to the NEW YORK TIMES for the quotes….
October 25, 2020
Hope, Gratitude and Planning
Autumn in the garden.
GRATITUDE
This past week my oldest daughter and her husband drove from Boston to Chicago–to see our new home and to be with us. They brought with them tools and the talent and love we needed right now, as we settle into our new home. They worked tirelessly all week–first, putting our garden to bed (remember the photo, that it’s rather large with lots of cultivars?) Our Chicago son and daughter-in-law were right there too, building a shed to store things for the coming winter, and working in the house: painting, reorganizing, advising and most of all loving.
The six of us ate six-feet-apart dinners at night, the cooking and prep all shared. Then one important night, we celebrated on the phone and online with our other daughter who lives in California–because this past week she and her husband celebrated twenty years of marriage!
PLANNING
Between ripping off wallpaper, picking out paint colors and talking about what might be done next, we drove through the Beverly neighborhood where John and I were raised, and where we again call home. We pointed out the homes where we were raised, the schools and churches we attended and the homes of my grandmother and aunts.
Every day, there was laughter and planning, and of course many tears when they left. My daughter helped me plan for more projects, discussing paint colors, organization and she even photo-shopped a new look for the outside of our home. NOW THAT’S talent– and of course love.
HOPE ….
We did not watch the last debate, but of course there was much talk about the election, about the future of our country and how much we love it–from California to Boston, and all in-between. We did watch Barack Obama’s stunning talk from a platform in Pennsylvania–loved that he got angry, that he didn’t hold back, revealing his fierce love for this country, a love that we all share.
And we were all in agreement as to what needs to happen in this country–so that we can save our democracy, fight back at COVID19, help people get healthcare and decent educations–so that all of us can contribute to the forward motion of the United State of America.
Yes, it was a week of hope, gratitude and planning. Prayers go with my daughter and son-in-law as they drive home.
And when will we all be together again–with our daughter and her family back in California??? We are planning….
Photo Credit: Me, taken on a cloudy day. That’s Chicago!
October 18, 2020
Messages from Women I Admire
Sometimes life just offers you an opening. When my husband and I moved from the place of our birth, Chicago, the only city we had ever known, to Des Moines Iowa–we knew we were on an adventure. And it constantly pleased us with the many amazing people we met in our 17 years there, how we both fit so well into this place and its neighborhoods, and the social life and all the advantages a smaller Midwest City can offer.
One amazing thing was that the gentleman who hired John, soon became a great friend, and then went on to become president of Meredith Corporation, the publisher of BETTER HOMES & GARDENS, COUNTRY HOME, and MORE magazines. That provided me with the opportunity to test for being a proofreader and copy editor and YES, I got the job. It was wonderful in every way, and through that association I met Lesley Jane Seymour, the editor of MORE.
SEVENTEEN YEARS PASSED…
and our lives changed. Our son finished college and moved back to Chicago to live and work. John retired, continuing his fight with CLL. COUNTRY HOME & MORE disappeared from grocery store shelves and mailboxes–though even before that, I had left Meredith, renewing my nursing skills and working for the health department in Des Moines.
But during my tenure with Meredith, I met Lesley Jane Seymour, the editor of MORE, at a brunch in Des Moines. I pitched an article to her; enjoyed her talk about women in the news and the importance of women taking center stage. Seymour wanted to provide women with good information, to help women rise to power–not only by adjusting to changes in our culture–but to be change artists.
(Unfortunately, MORE also had to succumb to change, closing its doors in April of 2016.) But before that happened, one of Lesley’s last issues featured Michelle Obama and Meryl Streep.
MICHELLE, MERYL and LESLEY JANE… Michelle Obama graced the cover (above). In the issue President Obama talked about how the presidency made him a better father: “Even with our jam-packed days, Michelle and I work hard to carve out certain blocks of family time that are sacrosanct.”
Melissa Winter wrote about becoming Michelle’s chief of staff. This concerns one of their first meetings: “That night, spent cross-legged on the hotel carpet, eating barbecue and laughing, has always been one of my favorite times with Mrs. Obama, because it happened when she was just Michelle and I was just Melissa.”
MERYL and MICHELLE
Ms. Streep made a visit to the White House to talk with Mrs. Obama about her project, mentoring young girls. In their conversation, Meryl revealed the importance of her own mother in her life.
“My legacy…is written by other people…trails after me like tin cans…But when I think about what I really want to leave behind, I realize it’s what my mother left me. For the people I touched and care about, I want it to matter to them that I was in their lives. I want my love for them to sustain them after I’m gone. I draw strength from my mother; I want them to draw strength from me.”
LESLEY JANE SEYMOUR
After traveling with First Lady Michelle Obama to Cambodia while she was promoting LET GIRLS LEARN, Lesley Jane wrote this: …”I’m officially changing Mrs. Obama’s title from First Lady to Inspirer-in-Chief. Her gift for moving people to action is the reason I invited her to be MORE’s first guest-editor–because she is someone uniquely suited to motivate our accomplished readers to have more impact on the world.” Lesley Jane ended her thoughts about Mrs. Obama writing: “That day (with Mrs. Obama) I realized more profoundly than ever before that the world needs to let girls learn.”
Quotes taken from the July/August issue of MORE, 2015. Photos from that issue.
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Meryl and Michelle
October 11, 2020
Let’s Talk to Each Other…
Life can be good one day to the next–and then we hit that proverbial bump in the road. Lately, those bumps have increased, and you are looking ahead to a serious argument you have to have with an adult child, an old friend, your spouse, and the result–you keep putting it off.
Few of us like confrontation, but there are ways to prepare. There are advice columns that often use a scenario to zero in on a communication problem. But they usually aren’t helpful. YOUR PARTICULAR SITUATION does not fit the article, the circumstances.
A PSYCHOLOGIST OFFERS GREST RULES
In this time of stress that is bearing down on us and our families, it’s best to consider general rules for good communication. The following is taken from THE NOT-SO- SECRET SECRET TO GOOD, OPEN, EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION.
Stay with the HERE and NOW instead of talking about another time or a different place.
Don’t say “it” when you mean “I”. Don’t say “you” when you mean “Me.” Be responsible, own your feelings, your words.
WHAT and HOW are much more important than WHY.
WHY can become an endless game of avoiding talking about NOW. “WHY did you slam the door? WHY didn’t you call? WHY did you take her side?”
Recognize the difference between a NEED, a WANT and a SHOULD. Know your priorities. Often compromise means give and take.
Talk with people and not about them. Talking about someone who is present is a put-down. Talking about someone who is not present is an avoidance. Just talking about can become gossip and doesn’t support your feelings. Actually, it is not a true form of communication. It is usually a way of avoiding THE NOW.
QUESTIONS INTO STATEMENTS
When you can, change your questions into statements. Say what you feel; what you think; what you want; who you are. Then invite the other to share. Questions tend to be manipulative and can be editorials in disguise. It is probably no accident that a question mark is shaped like a hook–which often demands and commands a statement that could be punctuated by the bat-shaped exclamation point.
TIPS TO FOLLOW DURING YOUR TALK
Flexibility, self-awareness and a sense of humor help communication. But being too polite can be the enemy of intimacy.
REMEMBER: You are real, so is the person you are speaking with. Don’t turn either of you into an object. Respect each other’s humanity. Get as close as you dare. Begin with I before you use you. Address people by name. Speak with people not at them.
Don’t say You always. Or: Why don’t you ever… No behavior is permanent or forever.
Be aware of how you speak as well as what you say.
Use whole sentences instead of starting in the middle or leaving your thoughts unfinished or interrupting yourself.
Recognize that YES BUT really means no…..that saying you are trying is not doing or succeeding. And there is a difference between what you feel (really know inside yourself) and what you think (you imagine what is going on inside the other person).
FINAL IDEAS FOR GOOD COMMUNICATION
When agreeing, check that you understand the other person as she wishes to be understood. Interpreting and analyzing are not the same as understanding.
Don’t talk down to people. When you say I see, I hear you, I understand, make sure the person you are talking to interprets those words in the same way you do.
Words, even when understood, may be lies–but behaviors usually speak the truth. Strive for harmony at the nonverbal as well as the verbal levels. We read SIGNS not MINDS. Be aware of mixed messages, your own as well as the other person’s.
ALL TRUST IS ULTIMATELY SELF-TRUST.
Be honest with yourself; be aware of the messages you give yourself. Make sure you know the difference between I can’t and I won’t. I’m afraid to, instead of I’d like to but …
Be tolerant. There can be honest differences of opinion and of perspective. And remember that these are rules and not Commandments. To follow them slavishly or to use them as a weapon is to sabotage their potential value. Because paradoxes do exist in nature and in human interactions. None of us gets everything we strive for, and the quest for perfection is the most common obstacle to success.
So…BE TOLERANT. There can be honest differences of opinion and of perspective. SUMMARY:
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
BE WHO YOU ARE.
LET YOUR WORDS, FEELINGS and ACTION ALL MATCH.
VALUE OPENNESS while RESPECTING PRIVACY.
AND KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
Copyright 1972 , 1981, 1986 Herbert S. Roth, PhD.
ART: PWorsley Pinterest
October 4, 2020
Turn and Face the Sun…
I wrote a note to prepare for this blog, something about DISTANCE. But I couldn’t find the note–because of our recent move, because my desk and office are still cluttered with that which I love, paper. Even if I had made the note on my computer, searching for “distance” would probably not have brought me CLOSER.
Having a computer and cell phone can obliterate some distances. But even being right next to a person, even one you know well, can feel chilly and distant. It’s the way we live right now, often divided and at war with ideas. It should not be that way.
THE LAST TWENTY-FOUR HOURS…
Yesterday we spent an engaging afternoon with old friends, the people you can say anything to, who encourage your ideas and sympathize with your fears. There is no distance between us. It’s the same with our daughters and our son.
But there are times when we need to distance ourselves from people we love, because there is rancor that leads to arguments, that pulls at the threads that used to bind us. We are living in a time when many of the norms we have enjoyed for decades have been ripped apart. FACE IT. It’s a difficult time to be alive. You have to take a position just opening and walking out your door to shop, take a walk, run an errand. MASK or NOT MASK.
MY DECISIONS
You all know I mask, keep six feet distance, try to abide by the rules. It’s not always easy. Our bodies are probably more on “high alert” than they have been in years, which is not good for our overall health, our blood pressure. YES: we all fall into patterns and habits, but I still worry about those I love, hoping that when out in the world, they will be safe.
I OBEY, YOU OBEY, BUT THEN…POTUS, a major person in the USA who has refused to wear a mask, comes down with COVID19. How should we react?
Here is what presidential scholar, writer and overall sentient man Jon Meacham had to say Friday evening when he learned that trump had Covid19:
Brian Williams: Our president is in the hospital. We know very little beyond that. Presidents have hated that… And we are in a unique circumstance as the White House medical office has not been truthful in the past.
Jon Meacham: So much of our common life has been on trial for the last four years. So much so…that everything feels hyperbolic; but events are catching up with these superlatives. To some extent there is a kind of equipoise… and one of the best descriptions of the presidency itself, was written by John Adams in the 1790s… He talks about how the first character of the presidency “would be the subject of all eyes and the object of all contemplation, that he would be a vital role in the republic.” …
The role of the president… has always been vitally important, not only politically but culturally. But what we have seen now, going on four years, is that the habits and inclinations of the incumbent president seem almost to be beyond dominating our mind space. …
Where we find ourselves in this really interesting moment of reckoning, between two things that have shaped us in the last six to eight months in particular: one is distrust, a distrust of experts, a distrust of the ordinary conventions of our lives.
And the other is disease. And the distrust has fed the disease.
Because a huge portion of the population decided not to listen to those who had expertise, decided that somehow or other, they knew better, that the force of reason and science was somehow partisan and not legitimate. It was a bunch of elites trying to tell them what to do. And by God they were going to show them. We are seeing the wages of that–
John Lewis taught us that the key element of nonviolent protest was never become that which you are fighting against. Answer hate with love. Answer violence with nonviolence.
So, in an era bereft in many ways of grace and dignity, we must do all we can to be gracious and dignified. That said, it is an inescapable fact of our unfolding history, that the president repeatedly diminished the role of science and reason in combatting this pandemic and now that is helping to push the country to extraordinary moment of unease as we face an extensional election in 31 days.
FINAL THOUGHTS…When I heard Meacham’s words, I wanted to share them with you. But first I went out, took a walk, tried to gather my thoughts before writing. And as I was approaching home with my earbuds providing tunes–James Taylor sang to me. When he wrote these words, I don’t know what was weighing heavily on him, but today, much weighs heavily on us and on our country. Thus, I share these words, and my hope that you and yours are well and that we will get through these trials together.
Another night has gone, life goes on, another dawn is breaking.
Turn and face the sun, one by one, the world outside is waking.
Morning light has driven away all the shadows that hide your way.
And night has given away to the promise of another day.
Another day, another chance that we may finally find our way.
Another day, the sun has begun to melt all our fears away. Another day…
Wishing you and yours another day. Thanks for reading.
Thanks to Deposit Photos
September 27, 2020
Autumn Is Here! Are you ready?
Autumn Is Here! Are you ready?
I bought mums—four lovely burnt orange ones. I hung a wreath of yellowed leaves. I found flowers in my garden to cut and bring inside that echo the colors of autumn. It’s early yet, but it’s coming. And now that I am in Chicago, autumn will mean more than decorating with orange and gold—it will mean winds and rain and putting the garden to bed, making sure we have a good heavy quilt and this year—seeing if one of the two fireplaces we now have really, truly works.
IDEAS ARE ALL AROUND US!
No matter what part of our great country you live in, autumn is a wonderful time to test your decorating chops. Yes, I have the newest copy of Better Homes and Gardens. They always have great ideas and there have been times I’ve lingered in the grocery store, just paging through Meredith publications (where I used to do copyediting for their magazines). They provide so many wonderful country or city how-to’s for the seasons, especially this one.
But my favorite go-to, and how-to person who you can follow online–is French Country Cottage, presented so beautifully by Courtney Allison. Courtney bought a run-down cottage near San Francisco, totally rebuilt and altered it, while building a blog, writing a book and taking amazing photographs as she proceeded. Her business flourished by incorporating furniture pieces from showrooms, but even better, by finding antiques and cast-offs and showing us that you can create amazing rooms with these–but even better by using what you have, and loving what you use—and always thinking FLOWERS, fresh or dried.
Today Courtney wrote: Chunky blankets, cups of warm cider, candles and a cozy fire in the fireplace. And home truly is our haven this year with spending so much more time right at home. Today is all about a simple autumn look in the dining room & tips for creating a cozy feeling in your home.
Here are a few of Courtney’s tips: Bring those muddy orange pumpkins inside for a bit of color while staying on the softer side of autumn. Forage your garden and yard to find dried elements that inspire you and create a gathered arrangement for autumn.
And my advice? Don’t forget the candles to warm the colors and cozy the mood. Above I’ve shared some of the throws and delights that I will be using as the wind picks up. And below is a photo of a modern home that brings the nostalgia of life on the farm alive once again.
Do you make changes in your home when autumn arrives?
What is your favorite way to celebrate the autumnal equinox?
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Warmth and memories.
September 20, 2020
Gains and Losses
Gains and Losses
I write today with joy, because my son and the love of his life were joined in matrimony yesterday, under a chilly Chicago sky, under a canopy of flowers–with loved ones gathered, some at tables spaced for health, others on Zoom, watching, gently crying for the beauty of the ceremony, for the beauty of these two who deserve not only our love and support, but health and success, gifts that don’t come in boxes or wrapped in ribbon.
But before that evening of bliss and togetherness, we knew that Ruth had left us. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who men and women of this land grew to know, was a justice who stood for intelligence, fierce advocacy and brilliant interpretation of the law.
“Inherent differences between men and women, we have come to appreciate, remain the cause for celebration, but not for denigration of the members of either sex or for artificial constraints on an individual’s opportunity,” RBG wrote. And her thoughts on the differential treatment of women “must not create or perpetuate the legal, social and economic inferiority of women.” My son and every young man I spoke with yesterday at the wedding would agree. Each supports the words of Justice Ginsberg, the amazing RBG.
And so I celebrate Ruth and I mourn her, just as I celebrate the union of my son and the amazing woman who is now his wife and part of our family. THE FUTURE lies in such a union. OUR FUTURE lies in the strong feelings of the young people I spoke with last night. Yes, we were celebrating and toasting, but we were also talking at our six foot distances and through our masks, about the future. It lies in the hands of these strong young people. Those who mourn the loss of RBG, also look to the light of tomorrow where voting and attention to truth can be the best wedding gift anyone could receive.
September 13, 2020
My Letter to President Barack Obama
This letter was written and mailed to the WHITE HOUSE on December 28, 2016
Dear President Obama,
We had the briefest of handshakes on a fearless bright day in Des Moines, Iowa, 31st of October, 2007. And if I could go back to those days and keep you in the White House, I would. But you need some rest and you have books to write—your first two being enlightening for me, all words of wisdom. So last night after perusing a memorial edition of EBONY, I cried. What has happened should never be. The electorate has failed. Don’t they realize that we are a country of truth, not of lies?
You, Dear President Obama, will always be my POTUS. Knowing your intent and strong love for the United States of America, you might argue with me, encourage me to accept him. But I cannot agree. He will never be my president. That’s the way it will be in my heart—maybe forever. Maybe until the United States is brave enough to finally elect a woman.
I fear you might never see this letter—there will be and are so many others. But regardless, I had to write it, and hope that you will take bags of these letters to your new home in D.C. to peruse on a day when you need to reconnect with your constituency. That’s me! I’ll await your future words in your next book, or when you need to speak out. Because you have promised to do so—we will always need you.
And though you have repeatedly pointed out how the office of President can change the man or woman who enters it, I personally don’t believe this One can change. There are troubling days ahead.
My story: because I know you love and appreciate our stories: born on the Southside of Chicago to an amazing mother and dentist father who died when I was three. But like your mother, mine raised me with tender love and promise. She gave me responsibility early on, so by twelve I became a latchkey kid who took care of my younger brother and cooked meals. And like you, my mother’s love made the difference and helped me reach out to others. Rarely have I been fearful of the future. But without you, I am now.
I’m white and regret subtle racism that surrounded me where I grew up, in the Beverly Hills neighborhood on Chicago’s Southside. David Axelrod and you just discussed on the podcast that you were backed by that very Irish neighborhood. Beverly has always been a town of lawyers, doctors and educators. But my first revolt was wearing orange to my grade school on St. Patrick’s Day. My heritage is German.
After earning a degree at Mundelein College on the hipper north side, I taught English literature at Bloom High School in the far south suburbs. You might know Ford Heights. On a day to remember, Lacy Moore came to my desk in homeroom to warn me not to be in the gym at second hour. It was the time of the shooting of Fred Hampton and Mark Clark. We teachers never faltered in our love for our students. And I don’t know what happened to Lacy, but I’ll never forget him and many others, like Flamingo Stringfellow, who objected to an uptight play we were reading—all the characters white.
I don’t remember what play it was, but I certainly remember what Flamingo said to me: Sex is good. There’s nine people in my family. My parents and seven kids. No space. We sleep in the same room, all of us. So all my life I’m hearing my parents have sex. Nice sex. This story you are teaching me? Says nothing to me. Nothing.
He was right. And when I think about it now, living with my widow mother, there was no sex in my house. We all need to discover how to accept our different lives.
I’ll also never forget Anna Cooper, the daughter of a former slave, who cleaned house for my grandmother and then for my mother. God only knew how old Anna was. And I want to call out: Anna forgive us, for not being more giving than we could have been. That was the 1950s when I was growing up in white Beverly Hills, Chicago.
Change can be slow, but inexorable. At Thanksgiving this year, my family all talked about how we have to cope, now that you are leaving the White House. I wish you could stay, but I know you cannot. So, God speed, Dear President Obama.
Hillary tried. You worked hard for her. We thought we had it made. But for many troubling reasons, it was not meant to be—and now we know that instead, the future will hang some progressive star farther from our reach, making us work harder, believe harder in THE HOPE AND CHANGE that alters the very thoughts in our brains.
HATE won’t win, Dear President Obama, I know that. You know that. Thanks for what you have given me these past eight years. And blessings on you and your beautiful family.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth A. Havey wife, mother, teacher, nurse as a second career, and always a writer and lover of ideas
PS My husband and I attended your inauguration in 2009. We were all the way down by the Washington Monument. We were cold! But we loved it all.
Thanks for reading…. Have you ever written to a president, governor, mayor, senator etc??
Even as a seventh grader, I wrote to Queen Elizabeth II and got a formal reply from one of her Ladies in Waiting–an exciting mail moment for me.
The White House used to follow this tradition. If you wrote to the First Lady, you would get a formal reply on White House stationery.
I had a friend who actually helped decorate the Obama Christmas Tree. She wrote and asked, knowing that the First Lady was looking for volunteers. She was selected and worked alongside Michelle. Not that’s something to remember.
September 6, 2020
Let’s Talk Empathy…
I’ve written about empathy in literature, in the public square, even within our family lives. It’s something one would hope everyone could practice. So when the NEW YORK TIMES featured an article entitled THE TROUBLE WITH EMPATHY, of course I was curious. Because if EVERYONE IS USING THE EMPATHY WORD, do we truly know what it means?
The author of the NYT piece, Molly Worthen, stressed that the word appears often in our troubled times. Joe Biden has asked that we “project empathy,” though some activists today claim that just is not enough. So Worthen asks: “Are some divides too great for common humanity to bridge? When we attempt to step into the shoes of those very different from us, do we do more harm than good?”
FIRST LET’s LOOK AT A DEFINITION OF EMPATHY
Worthen states that empathy is: “Our capacity to see one another as fellow humans, to connect across differences. It is the foundation of a liberal, pluralist society. Yet skeptics say that what may seem like empathy may be another form of presumption, condescension or domination.”
Damn. When teaching literature and hoping to bring my students into the worlds of others, I never thought I might be condescending–yet Worthen is asking an important question.
She quotes Alisha Gaines, a professor of African American literature: “Empathy has to be considered in the context of institutions and power.” Gaines then makes the point: THAT SHE WANTS STUDENTS TO SEE BOOKS AS PASSAGEWAYS TO EXPERIENCES UNLIKE THEIR OWN.
THE BIRTH OF THE WORD
Worthen’s research on the subject of empathy, reveals that our impulses to participate in the feelings of others may be biological, rooted in our neurology. German philosophers referred to this experience as Einfuhlung or “in-feeling”, which was then translated in 1909 as the new English word “empathy.” WOW, I never knew that. Worthen explains that when being empathetic, you are basically projecting your own emotional experience or mingling your consciousness with what you are experiencing–a scene in a book, film, or in real life.
But what I found most interesting, and it goes back to my teaching career, is that humans, teachers, parents must never abandon the best and oldest tool for developing emotional understanding in our children–the reading of literature. Sarah Levine, professor of education, says that reading literature is a true empathy tool. Those who are widely read can actually become empathetic individuals, though sadly, the testing that comes after the reading is often relegated to fact finding and the emotion is forgotten.
Emerson Holloway, an English major, makes an important point concerning knowing your boundaries when reading and discussing different cultures. “I’ll never be able to truly understand…a culture or life-style different from my own.”
But Worthen makes a point that I totally agree with: “The effort to understand feels more important now that ever.”
FINAL THOUGHTS
Student Andie Horowitz says: “People often dismiss emotion as weakness, but a certain level of emotion makes you interested in something, wanting to find the truth. When you understand the people behind a movement, it becomes so much more personal. That’s where empathy comes into critical thinking and being motivated to learn more.”
Is empathy a word you find yourself using more and more? If you are raising children or grandchildren, does the word empathy ever come into your conversations as a way to discuss the common threads that bind all humans?
PHOTO CREDIT: the New York Times
