Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 476

December 12, 2012: News of note!

Damn.  What do you have to do to get your blog featured on wordpress?  Yesterday’s entry, December 11, 2012: An Apocalypse Primer!, was perfect Freshly Pressed material!

Heads up!  http://gizmodo.com/5968007/north-korea-satellite-out-of-control-why-this-is-very-bad-news

Planning a vacation?  Don’t know where to go?  Here, let me help by offering you a list of places NOT to go:  http://allwomenstalk.com/top-dangerous-places-to-go-on-vacation/.  So much for that summer getaway in Liberia.

In memory of those (video game characters) we lost in 2012:

“30 years ago one could buy a pass for lifelong, unlimited first-class travel with American Airlines.  Now American Airlines is suing people who did”.  And other tricks busineses use to rip you off: http://www.omg-facts.com/lists/12/17-Tricks-Businesses-Use-to-Secretly-Rip-You-Off/1?fromTP

This (Report: Google Maps Is Coming Back to iOS Tonight!) is not at all surprising after this (4 nightmare scenarios involving Apple Maps).

Well now, this looks interesting:

Maybe after he’s done hosting our Superhero Movie of the Week Club (sometime in late 2013), Cookie Monster can move on to a Superflop of the Week Club: http://thefw.com/john-carter-and-15-of-the-biggest-movie-flops-of-all-time/?utm_source=zergnet.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=zergnet_27318. There was a 134 million dollar movie called Stealth?  What’s a Delgo?

Just in time for your winter cleaning: http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/33-meticulous-cleaning-tricks-for-the-ocd-person-i

And my former assistant passed on my suggestion to name his newborn Spearmint: 

 

December 11, 2012: An Apocalypse Primer!

NASA/JPL-Caltech

With the Apocalypse almost upon us, I thought it might be nice to take some time and offer up a brief overview of the impending global cataclysm so that you can all have a better understanding of exactly what the hell is going on as the world around you comes to its ignoble end.  The ensuing information is the result of my exhaustive research (I perused wikipedia and a couple of crackpot sites) on the subject and will hopefully offer some solace as humanity faces the greatest mass hysteria-fueled Armageddon since Y2K…

Don’t delay.  Pack your bags, say your goodbyes, and board that space shuttle for the Mars colony.  There’s no time to waste as… Oh.  You didn’t have the foresight to purchase a ticket to the Mars colony? Well, sorry to say they sold out years ago right after that Roland Emmerich movie came out.  On the bright side, you don’t have to worry about what to pack.  Or kissing anyone goodbye (your own ass doesn’t count) because we’ll all be going together on…

December 21, 2012.  IF the Mayan are to be believed.  No, scratch that.  Technically, they Mayans didn’t make any apocalyptic predictions.  They just happened to create a calendar that ends on the aforementioned date.  But why, you no doubt wonder, THAT particular day?  No one knows for certain but many read dark portents in this ancient decision.  Others, like my writing partners, Paul, figure the Mayans simply figured “Yeah, five thousand years is long enough.  Let’s stop there.”  The Mayans may not have specifically foretold of the end times, but that didn’t stop many “experts” from inferring as much, their conclusions drawn from loose interpretations of similar doomsday prophecies, suspect astronomy, and personal theories occasionally born of far out mushroom trips.

Frightening but true.  The Mayans were not the only ones to predict the world would end on December 21, 2012 be co-opted into loony December 21, 2012 doomsday theories.  The Hopi Indians, the I-Ching (as interpreted by some “psychonaut”), even Nostradamus himself hint at some extinction-level event occurring sometime in the vague future…Oh, let’s pick a date…say…December 21, 2012.

December 21, 2012?  O.M.G.!

Well, that pretty much confirms it then.  With that out of the way, let’s shake things up a little and adopt a totally different tact.  Let’s try applying logic to the the Apocalypse.  Exactly what will happen?  And, more importantly, why?

Hmmm.  It really depends on who you ask.  Many New Age “experts” see the December 21, 2012 not as a date of doom, but as one of regenesis in which humanity will enter a new more enlightened phase, a “culmination in synchronization of individuals plugged into Earth’s eletromagnetic battery as a result of the planet’s passage through a galactic synchronization beam that started in 3113 B.C” (Wiki).  Indian guru Kalki Bhagavin, presumed by his 15 million followers to be the incarnation of the god Vishnu, sees 2012 as the “deadline for human enlightenment” (Wiki).

Other presumptions are decidedly more downbeat:

A galactic alignment will place our planet smack dab in the center of a gravitational pull between our sun and, Saggitarius A, the supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy.  Never mind that the black hole is 30 000 light years from Earth.  Oh, and that this already happened back in 1998.

A massive solar flare will trigger a geomagnetic reversal that will see the positions of magnetic north and magnetic south switch resulting in toilets flushing clockwise in Australia and counter-clockwise in North America.  Never mind the fact that these reversals take anywhere from 1000 to 10 0000 years to complete and don’t happen overnight – like, say, the evening of December 20th, 2012.

A rogue planet (referred to as either Planet X or Nibiru by those in the know) will collide with Earth, crushing half the world’s population (and my dream of some day visiting Singapore) and leaving the other half to a far worse fate.  Never mind the fact that, if there WAS a rogue planet on a collision course with Earth and scheduled to hit us in less than two weeks, someone with a telescope might have noticed THERE’S A PLANET HEADED STRAIGHT FOR US!

UNLESS every single person who noticed has been sworn to secrecy. Which brings us to the next doomsday scenario: An alien invasion! There are rumors that SETI has been sitting on the news that three alien spacecraft have been spotted on an Earth-bound course. Estimated time of arrival?  Oh, around December 21, 2012. There’s even proof (provided by a Denver-based media company) in the form of a picture that shows the trio of UFO’s enroute.  Never mind that astronomer Phil Plait has demonstrated that if the UFO’s “in the photo were as large as claimed, [they] would have had to be closer to Earth than the Moon, which would mean [they] would already have arrived.” (Wiki).

The red super-giant, Betelgeuse, will go supernova, crispy frying Earth and quashing Alabama’s hopes of a repeat National Championship. Never mind the fact that Betelgeuse would need to be approximately 575 light years closer to affect us if it went supernova.

Photon belts!  Never mind the fact that they don’t exist.

But don’t let me rain on your apocalyptic parade.  I’m sure there are far more plausible (though, admittedly, far less popular) doomsday scenarios out there.  Supervolcanoes, a spiteful suddenly sentient internet, and robot monkeys are just a few that come to mind.

So get out there and enjoy the time you have left.  And, if I’m wrong and these doomsday enthusiasts are right, then who’ll be laughing December 22nd?

Obviously, no one.

 

Tagged: 2012, alien invasion, Apocalypse, Armageddon, Betelgeuse, cataclysm, December 21 2012, End of the World, end times, galactic alignment, geomagnetic reversal, Maya Calendar, Mayan prediction, Nibiru, photon belts, Planet X, prophecy, robot monkeys, Saggitarius A, sentient internet, singularity, supernova, supervolcanoes, The Apocalypse, world end

December 10, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews My Super Ex-Girlfriend!

Dis movie reminiscent of monster’s ex-girlfriend, Mona Hildeberger. One time, she get so mad after me use dishwasher to dry socks dat she spike monster’s L’Oreal shampoo wit Nair hair remover.  For two months while wait for fur to grow back, me kept getting mistaken for member of Blue Man Group.  Very unpleasant memories.

Fortunately, dis movie not so unpleasant at all.  It never fully realize its potenshul, but it still solid wit nice fun bits.  Just like Mona Hildeberger.

Beware of hot nerds!

Matt just be a regular, shy office guy who looking for a woman to love. He tink he find her in Jenny Johnson, a seksy nerd he meet on de subway.  She seems very sweet – but awkward and distrakted.  And, it turn out, for good reason.  Becuz nerdy Jenny Johnson really a seksy superhero called G-Girl!

Beware of seksy superheroes!

She take him flying.  She break his bed trying to bang him.  Life be pretty good for Matt.

Perks of dating a superhero = no traffik!

UNTIL tings start to get weird.  Problem #1: he kidnapped and roughed up by G-Girl’s arch-nemesis, Professor Bedlam, played by de always awesome Eddie Izzard.  Apparently, he old high school friend of Jenny’s and still sekretly in love wit her (and VERY jealous of Matt). But dis pale in comparison to problem #2: Jenny be a crazy woman!  She super alright.  Super jealous and super unstable!

Nuts!  Insane!  Bonzo!  No longer in possession of one’s fakulties!  Tree fries short of a Happy Meal!  Waaaackooo!

Matt’s super ex-girlfriend make his life a living hell.  She tear up his apartment.  Tosses his car into orbit.  And, in one partikularly inspired scene, she trow a shark at him after he hook up wit girl from his office!

“Just kidding about de whole break-up tiing…”

Matt be super-screwed.  But salvation come from a most unlikely source = Professor Bedlam who, now in possession of super power-leeching meteor, need Matt’s help to set up G-Girl.  And poor, harassed Matt only to happy to oblige.

Super super-villain!

Matt profess his love for Jenny/G-Girl and convince her to join her at his place.  Everyting going according to plan until – girl from his office show up.  All sorts of awkward!  G-Girl about to beat crap out of Matt when – Dwight from De Office show up and open gift box containing meteor.  G-Girl lose her powers.  At which point Professor Bedlam show up!  Chaos!  Meteor blows and return superpowers to G-Girl!  But office girl get super powers too!  Super catfight ensue!

Who win?  G-Girl?  Office Girl?  Neither.  Love conquer all!  Professor Bedlam profess his love for G-Girl!  And Matt get himself a new super girlfriend in Office Girl!

Verdikt: It great to see a woman in dominant role.  Monster like dis. Grover like dis too but in completely different scenario me not comfortable talking about here.

Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.

 

Tagged: Comic Books, Comics, Cookie Monster, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, superhero movies, superheroes, SuperMovie of the Week Club

December 9, 2012: Snow Dogs!

Well, they would be – IF there was snow on the ground.  And IF they were outside braving the elements like those courageous pooches in that Cuba Gooding Jr. movie instead of just parking themselves under the Christmas tree in expectation of a treat.  All the same, they’re clearly in the holiday spirit – Jelly, lounging amid the tinsel, Bubba suspiciously sniffing presents, Lulu furtively snacking on low-hanging ornaments.

No football for me today.  And I didn’t really miss it.  Akemi had a hankering for pancakes, so we headed over to De Dutch where she got her fix -

Banana Maple Nut style!

Then it was over to Home Depot where I was disappointed to learn they’d sold out of indoor Christmas lights.  As a result, this was the best we Akemi could do:

She did a great job, decorating the tree with an even mix of the tasteful and tasteless.

While Akemi wrapped gifts, I did a little work, finishing up the series bible and script outline for that SF series we hope will get the oh-so-elusive green light.  If not, then l may consider an alternate career path that will allow me to maximize my skills set (which includes speed reading, watching t.v. on DVD, and, as of today, making a mean chicken, eggplant and sweet potato yellow curry).

Well, because my bitterness knows no bounds, I’m no longer paying attention to the NFL.  But I did check in with our fantasy football league playoffs so that I could congratulate the following first-round winners: The Landsharks, Tebow Sucks, The Mighty Molsons and, in all probability, The Vinegar Strokes.  My, aren’t we successful?

These closing doggy photos compliments of Akemi (www.peasnatch.wordpress.com):

Tagged: Dogs, french bulldog, pugs

December 8, 2012: Happy 9000000!

Well, whaddya know.  At some point over the last couple of days, sometime when my back was turned, this blog welcomed its 9 millionth view.  Thanks for coming!  9 million is actually quite conservative since it doesn’t count the first year (or so) of this blog which started on blogger – until their spambots erroneously shut me down (December 11, 2007) – and then kept me hanging on for days until I finally got fed up and made the move here, to wordpress.com, on December 15, 2007.  Just prior to my departure, this blog celebrated its 750 000th visit (December 4, 2007) so, really, we’re closer to 10 million.

10 million!  I can’t help but think that if I h’d had the foresight to charge $100 admission at the time, today I would have been able to personally bankroll SG-1′s 11th season, Atlantis’s 6th, and Universe’s 3rd – AND had enough money left over for pie and ice cream.

Anyway, it’s been a great ride.  Thanks to everyone who has joined along the way, but an especially big thank you to those who have been with this blog from the very beginning  Michelle, you hold the distinction of being the oldest poster still commenting today.  And, by “old”, I only refer to blog age.

AND an especially big thanks to the folks at WordPress who made the move here quite easy and continue to provide us with a terrific home and support system for this blog.

To celebrate, I’ve grabbed some totally random pics from my 6+ years of blogging and repost them here for your enjoyment/bewilderment:

Few realize I got my start on the original Star Trek series.

Read about my big break here: April 27, 2007

Comic Con – it aint all fun and games.

My very first Comic Con: July 28, 2007

C-c-c-c-cold!

On the set of Stargate: Continuum: June 13, 2007

Carl having the time of his life.

One of my infamous chocolate parties: April 26, 2009: The Best Chocolate Party Ever! and  April 27, 2009: Still Recovering, More Party Pics, and Marty G. Checks In

Louis braves the night shoot.

On location shooting SGU’s “The Hunt”: September 24, 2010: The Hunt – Day #4 (Location, Day #3)

Our former EP assistant, Trevor Finn, is thrilled as this blog kick off the Name Trevor’s Baby Contest!

  Sadly, neither if my choices – Rubella nor Spearmint – won out.

Maximus

Dark Matter hits the shelves, our “lesson of the day”, and my handsome boy, Max.

Now, how to commemorate 10 000 000?

Tagged: Blogging, wordpress, wordpress.com

December 7, 2012: Hurray! Akemi is here to stay (as long as she likes)!

So Canadian.

Hurrah!  After a thirteen month wait (and oodles of paperwork and supporting documentation) we received word today that Akemi’s application for permanent residence status here in Canada has finally been approved!  There are still some signatures to be gathered and calls to be made but, for all intents and purposes, she is here to stay.  I no longer have to worry that she will get confiscated the next time we travel to Japan.

In celebration, I asked her to list ten things she loves about Canada off the top of her head.  She offered the following:

1. Easy-going country.

2. A lot of t.v. shows

3. Weather is milder (not super hot or super cold).

4. Bigger house means she can host a proper home party.

5. Doesn’t need to wear make-up every day like in Japan.

6. Can wear jeans everywhere.

7. Lots of different cuisines because of wide immigration.

8.  Can practice English with her Canadian boyfriend.

9. Cheaper than Japan.

10. Restaurants here offer doggy bags, something restaurants in Japan do not.

Anyway, we celebrated the good news in traditional Canadian fashion: by going out for sushi and then coming home to watch the Gordon Ramsay Christmas special.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to leave a comment in support of Akemi here: July 26, 2012: Support Akemi! Leave a comment!  We owe you one!

Today’s entry is dedicated to birthday gal Alisa Russell!

December 6, 2012: Complain complain complain!

APPLE

So I walk into the Apple Store this afternoon and, of course, the place is packed.  There are about two dozen “geniuses” having their brilliance tested by roughly four times as many customers.  I want to get in and out as quickly as possible so I approach one of the red-shirts (I suspect it’s a seasonal thing) and tell him I’d like to purchase some iTunes gift certificates.  ”Should I just grab them off the wall?”I ask, pointing to the display across the room.  ”No, just line up over there,”he says, motioning over to the daunting customer service queue behind me.  ”It won’t be long.”

This, it turns out, is the first of two lies he tells me on this day.

And so, I line up.  And wait.  And wait.  The people ahead of me seem to be in a hurry – up until it’s their turn at the till, at which point they’re like some kid who has finally reached the spinning tea cup ride. They giggle and laugh and joke with the staff, considering this, pondering over that.  It is clearly THEIR moment and, after waiting twenty minutes for service, they’ll be damned if they don’t make the most of this opportunity.  Eventually, the guy in front of me finishes regaling us all with the meandering tale of his net-savvy nephew. Dictionary.com provides the following two definitions for the word “anecdote”: 1. a short account of a particular incident or event, especially of an interesting or amusing nature.  2. a short, obscure historical or biographical account.  In this case, it was the latter.

And, finally, it was my turn.  I stepped up and requested an iTunes gift card.  The genius pointed to the display across the room (something, I needn’t remind you, I’d done some twenty minutes earlier) and informed me that I would have to go over there and select one before returning to pay for my purchase.  ”That’s what I initially assumed,”I said, “but that genius over there told me to come here instead.”

“No,”she said, presumably correcting me when, in reality, it was her fellow genius she was correcting.  ”This is just for in-store gift cards.  iTune gift cards are over there.”

Sure, I could have argued the point but, instead, I sighed and threw my hands up in mock surrender.  She was still yammering on when I walked out of the store.

There will be no iTune gift cards under the tree this year.

THE AMAZING RACE

I remember back when my buddy Carl used to refer to this show as “the fastest hour on television”.  This season, however, it’s been a ponderous affair, chock full o the most unlikable and annoying participants to ever race.  The teams in this weekend’s two hour finale come down to: 1. the thieves, 2. the other thieves, 3. the backstabbing pretty boys, and 4. the idiot goat farmers.  Who are you rooting for? The two sisters or the country bumpkin and his girlfriend who stole money from two other contestants, one of who was grieving for his sick father?  The lunkheads who targeted their supposed “friends” with a U-Turn, effectively eliminating a team that was running well behind them?  Or the simple goat farmers, one of who complains at length about his twisted ankle – and then volunteers for the ensuing tennis challenge where he spends a significant portion of the time sitting on his ass, complaining about – guess what? – his twisted ankle!

Sitting through yet another season of this show is like seeing a magician’s act one too many time.  After a while, you can’t help but see through the facade.   It’s gotten to the point where I can correctly predict when those supposedly random “non-elimination legs” will magically appear (hint: contestants the production clearly find more interesting seem to luck out with a disproportionate amount of reprieves).

Perhaps most annoying of all is The U-Turn which allows one of the lead teams to force a trailing team to go back and complete a second task, all but eliminating them from contention.  In a competition that appears to put everyone on equal footing (and appearances can be deceiving), it’s an annoying and palpably unfair disadvantage.

This entire season has simply left a bad taste in my mouth.

“Maybe next year, we don’t watch,”suggested Akemi.

Reruns of Modern Family, here we come!

THE NFL

Stop me if you’ve heard this before…

Oh, you have!  Never mind then.

Tagged: Apple, The Amazing Race

December 5, 2012: Culinary creations! Bubba hanging out!

The other day, I received THIS in the mail -

No, not the pug.  Or the Japanese girlfriend.  Or the Japanese girlfriend’s Dalmatian slippers [note: no actual dalmatians were hurt in the manufacturing of said slippers].  I refer, of course, to the cookbook – a cookbook chock full o’ classic German recipes like gulasch, jagerschnitzel, apfelstrudel.  It comes compliments of our friends, Alexander and Sarah, who, clearly, feel I’m not cooking enough Bavarian fare.

And so, today, I tried by hand at rosti.  Well, let’s just say everything didn’t go according to my plan:

What it looked like.

What it should have looked like.

A few minor tweaks: less potato, more onions, more oil in the pan, longer boiling time for the potatoes, longer frying time for the rosti.

Meanwhile, Akemi attempted a new recipe of her own – with far better results:

Peanut butter dog cookies.  Jelly was positively crazy about them – and I DO mean crazy: barking, pacing, hopping up and down on her front paws, gazing longingly up at the plate.  Bubba and Lulu liked them just fine as well.

I’ll spare you all the non-football related rant I was considering for today’s entry.  Instead, here’s  video of Bubba hanging around the house:

Tagged: pug

December 4, 2012: Me and the NFL are done!

My 35+ year relationship with the NFL is over.  We’re done.  Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs – though, realistically, much more of the latter than the former.  I’ve suffered through lock-outs, replacement officials, Michael Vick, the tuck rule.  Hell, the Raiders haven’t been competitive since Marcus Allen was running the ball.  But still I persevered.  I tried to make it work.  Really I did.  But this past weekend was the final straw, the tail end of a one week span in which everything that could have possibly gone wrong did: illogical coaching decisions, baffling quarterback play, a 1 in 55 aberration, and an injury at the worst possible time.  A perfect shitstorm of improbable bad luck coming together to deny my Snow Monkeys a playoff berth.  My Snow Monkeys, ranked #2 in our 14 team fantasy league in terms of overall record!  The third highest scoring team in the league!  Denied!

I thought the time away would help, but it hasn’t.  I could have accepted a playoff defeat, even a first round exit.  But to put in all that time and effort and still miss the post-season the way I did?  I am angry.  Bitter.  And a notorious grudge-holder.  Just the thought of tuning into an NFL game infuriates me.  The football gods screwed me over and still expect me to keep my NFL package?  It’s the equivalent to the love of your life dumping you in the most heartbreaking way possible and then hoping you can still be friends.

Forget it, sweetheart.  You’ve hurt me for the last time.  There are plenty of fish in the sea.  College football may not be as polished as you, but its more youthful and possessed of a raw charm you’ll never have.  The same goes for college basketball.  Hockey may not be as popular with the in crowd, but it’s a lot more exhilarating and, unlike you who is only around for six or seven months of the year, hockey seemingly never goes away.  Sure, baseball may lack the excitement you offer, but there’s something to be said for a classic that can’t break your heart because it’ll never really have it.  And then there’s the NBA… Well, I’m not that desperate.

Yes, it was a great ride and there will always be those happy memories. The Raiders Superbowl thrashing of the Washington Redskins.  Those Patriot Superbowl losses.  My Snow Monkeys capturing last year’s fantasy league championship. I’ll treasure them always.  And maybe, just maybe, a friendship could be possible in the distant future.  But only provided you accept responsibility for the hurt you caused by offering up one of the following:

An apology from Drew Brees for playing the worst game of his career when I depended upon him the most.

An apology from the Green Bay Packers organization for obstinately attempting to establish the run game down 3 touchdowns.

And apology from Aaron Rodgers for not once targeting James Jones in that impotent display vs. the Giants (preferred).

Until then, it’s time to go our separate ways.  And, should we pass one another on the street some day, me on my way to pick up an iTunes gift certificate for my sister, you in the throes of some resplendent televised playoff match-up, let’s – if not politely acknowledge one another – then reflect back fondly on the happier times.  That you ruined.

Today’s blog entry is dedicated to the Landsharks, Dead Reckoning, the Mighty Molsons, the Hurtin’ Albertans, the Mighty Merkins, Tebow Sucks, the Vinegar Strokes, and Crossplane.  Best of luck in the playoffs, boys!

Tagged: Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, fantasy football, Green Bay Packers, James Jones, NFL

December 3, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Superman Returns!

Dis movie more boring den Fozzie Bear’s off-off-off Broadway production of “Old Coronation Street Episodes”.  It so bad dat monster invite friends over and invent Superman Returns drinking game. Everytime someone begin to doze off while watching movie, he have to do shot.  By end of movie, not sure if Big Bird and Grover pass out from Jagermeister or sheer boredom.  Me tink both.

Movie begin wit Superman returning to Earth after being away for five years to visit what left of his home planet: Krypton.  Why he go?  What he find?  Why it take him 5 years?  Dis never explained. Coinsidentally, his alter ego, Clark Kent also return to work at de Daily Planet.  He horrified to diskover Lois Lane did not put her life on hold for him.  She not only have a son, but she be married to X-Men’s Cyclops!

Clark Kent = Super-Creep

Superman prove himself a super-creep by stalking Lois, spying on her and her family wit his x-ray vision, den trying to seduce her by flying her around de city and trying to kiss her on a rooftop.  (Please, do a shot).  She pissed at him becuz he left Earth witout telling her he was leaving.  Why he never said goodbye to her?  Dis never explained but reason be clear.  Superman be utter douchebag.

Uh, she be married, right?

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor have big plans to cause world chaos and grow an island in de ocean blah blah blah.  (Please, do a shot).  Power fluktuates.  Earth shakes.  Planes fall out of sky.  Superman save de day.  Movie plods along.  Someone forget to tell aktor Brandon Routh dat Clark Kent de boring one, NOT Superman!

Lex contemplate de art of de shiv.

Lois and her son somehow end up on Lex’s private yacht where he plot to enact his island-growing plan (yawn.  Please do another shot.).  But clever Lois send stealthy fax alerting Cyclops.  Thug start to beat her up but her son trow piano at him, demonstrating super strength and suggestion dat he be Superman’s son.  Oh, and also suggest dat nice guy Cyklops be a cuckold.  Or dat Lois go to bed wit Cyklops maybe a couple of weeks after sleeping wit Superman in Superman II.

Yacht sinks.  Superman save Lois.  He end up on new landmass dat it turn out be made of kryptonite.  Superman weakened and, in incredibly overwrought scene, beat up and stabbed wit a kryptonite shiv.  Superman plunge of cliff.  BUT he saved by Cyklops and Lois.

Superman pick up landmass and chuck it into space, nature’s cosmic garbage can.

Lex and his annoying girlfriend eskape in a helictoper dat eventually run out of gas, so dey end up stranded on a deserted island – wit nothing to eat but a coconut and a small dog.

Superman rushed to hospital.  He be in a coma!  But Lois and son visit, give him a kiss and make him all better.

Verdikt: Curse of Superman alive.  Dis film confirm: It impossible to make a good Superman movie!

Rating: 4 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Tagged: comic book movies, Comic Books, Comics, Cookie Monster reviews Superman Returns, film reviews, movie reviews, superhero movie reviews, superhero movies, Superman, Superman Returns