Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 466

March 13, 2013: Detective Vampire M.D., Attorney At Law: The Series

That’s the working title.  For now.  It tells the viewers what they need to know about our main character AND, most importantly, enlightens them to the fact that they’re watching an actual television series as opposed to, say, a very short film or very long commercial.  Somewhere down the line, we’re going to have to come up with a proper title – something catchy but clever.  For instance, if we were doing a show about a couple of marijuana-smoking ghosts, we could call it High Spirits.  Alternately, we could be as brilliantly asinine and work a character’s ridiculous name into the title (ie. Poetic Justice.  Hey, she’s a poet!  AND her name happens to be Justice!).  Something along the lines of: John Pomp is a veteran no-nonsense cop who ends up being partnered with young, loose cannon Derek Circumstanza.  Together, they are Pomp and Circumstanza!  Or Sheltered Hugh Murray gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with outgoing party boy, Billy Cry.  Together, they are Hugh and Cry!  And so on.  My advice is to come up with the title first and then work backward.    

But before we do, let’s nail down the series overview.  Thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts.  As we all know, the job of a writer is to incorporate as many crappy suggestions as the script can sustain while still maintaining some semblance of artistic integrity.  As such, only the very worst ideas will not find their way into the mix. These can be safely ignored, partly because they make absolutely no sense, but mostly because they were composed in a drunken stupor and unlikely to be remembered by whoever wrote them.

So this is what we’ve got so far…

Our protagonist goes by the name of Hunter.  We don’t know if it’s his first or last name, but we DO know it’s apropos because the devilishly handsome, long-locked albino former model happens to be a wealthy freelance physician who uses his medical knowledge to solve crimes. Like those guys who work for the various CSI units, he is heartily welcomed to participate in ongoing investigations despite the fact that he really has no business doing so.  But his job doesn’t end when he catches the criminals because, in addition, he is also a District Attorney who prosecutes the guilty parties.  Unfortunately, Justice is not always blind [Although in some cases it is as we'll learn when we are introduced to his blind girlfriend, Justice, but we'll get to her later] and some evildoers with the proper pull can beat the system.  So what’s a guy to do?

Well, if he’s our hero a lot because, at night he unwittingly transforms into his alter ego: a shirtless, raven-haired vampire, who stalks the city in search of those who escaped justice.  And wears his hair in a ponytail to ensure nobody recognizes him.  Although his vampire self is aware of his human self, the reverse isn’t true, leading to innumerable ludicrous close calls.

Hunter is a quiet, introspective loaner – who also happens to be supported by a colorful cast of characters including…

His longtime sidekick by day is Lou, a grizzled veteran of the city’s overextended police department – who ends up getting killed in the pilot, only two days away from retirement and the promise of his golden years spent sailing the high seas with his loving wife June who, incidentally, also dies of a heart attack after receiving word of Lou’s sudden passing.  His new partner will be a dark-haired female rookie with a chip on her shoulder.

His sidekick by night is his handsome former college roommate, an incorrigible womanizing, wise-cracking wizard zombie that maintains his good looks via the magic blood that keeps his body alive even though he is…undead.  By day, he assumes the staid identity of a mysophobic local pawnbroker who provides leads in various investigations.  Bromance abounds!

Mentor to his vampire self is a wise, diminutive and crotchety – yet lovable! – mysterious older gentleman who we will come to discover is his uncle and actually eight hundred years old.

His girlfriend, Justice, is, blind.  But this doesn’t keep this sexy former model from dong what she does best: computer hacking and being sassy.  In the first season finale, we will learn that Justice is, in fact, a vampire hunter charged with ridding the city of Hunter’s alter ego. But she will eventually develop feelings for the brooding night stalker as well and eventually find herself torn by her love for both men – and her duty.

His rival is a defense attorney by day and bloodthirsty werewolf by night.  The two cross paths and clash on a daily and nightly basis, unaware of each other’s true identities.

Also making life difficult for his vampire self is the hit man the underworld has hired to deal with him, a cross-wielding Cardinal from the wrong side of the tracks who will eventually assume the mantle of arch rival.

Behind the various criminals and gangsters our hero will face on a daily and nightly basis is an elusive criminal mastermind, a mysterious wheelchair-bound individual who sits behind the scenes, pulling the strings, seeking to end the lives of both Hunter and vampire.  BUT in the show’s biggest twist, we reveal that this Big Bad is a third personality of Hunter’s, an evil entity who is unaware of his physical connection to the men he has sworn to kill.

The only one privy to everyone’s secrets is Hunter’s telepathic dog, Quince, who maintains his own high intelligence and ability to speak a secret – although he will occasionally use both, behind the scenes, to help Hunter out.  Quince also serves as the series narrator, opening and closing each episode in snarky fashion and bridging the narrative gaps for audience members who have trouble understanding English.

Once we’ve signed off on this overview, we can move on to the pilot which will have plenty of jeopardy, flashbacks to medieval times, and a ticking clock that will take the form of an actual ticking clock on the right hand upper corner of the screen, a suspenseful little addition to the show.

So far, so awesome, no?

March 12, 2013: Ah, screw it! Let’s create our own show!

It’s amazing how things can turn on a dime in this business.  One day, you’re considering casting choices for your upcoming all-but-green-lit project and the next, you’re shifting hopes and focus to that pilot script you finished last week.  Sure, it’s disappointing and incredibly frustrating, but what makes it so infinitely galling is how quickly things can go south.  And, more often than not, for completely inane reasons. Shit. The network just cancelled a show featuring a protagonist with curly hair.  Curly haired protagonist shows are out!  Sorry.  Wait. What? Why don’t we just change our curly-haired protagonist to a protagonist with straight to moderately wavy hair?  Okay, but another network just cancelled a show in which one of the characters wears sandals.  Nobody wants to watch sandal-wearing characters anymore! Hang on.  Maybe these shows were cancelled for reasons other than hair and sandals – say something a little more egregious like, oh, the fact that they simply weren’t very good?

Maybe.  And then again, maybe not.  I had a conversation with someone who has worked in the industry for many years.  According to her, the common denominator for many of today’s successful shows is their ability to be followed without actually being watched.  In other words, consider them radio plays of sorts that can be haphazardly monitored and enjoyed while you’re doing something else like, presumably, chores, surfing the internet, or dissolving that corpse in a mixture of sodium hydroxide and water.  I find it hard to argue otherwise because, as I mentioned in a previous entry, I’m a fickle t.v. viewer.  I tend to prefer those handful of shows that require your undivided attention, shows like Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, The Sopranos, The Shield, Rome, Arrested Development.

The way I see it, I have one of three choices.  1. I can keep fighting the good fight – which, quite frankly, doesn’t really hold the allure it once did.  2.  I can give up and consider another profession.  MMA fighter maybe?  3.  Or, I can accept the reality and shift focus to creating something a little more in line with what seems to be working out there.  Yes, perhaps it’s time to revisit Detective Vampire M.D., Attorney At Law.  And I’m going to need YOUR help to do it!

For the next couple of days, this blog’s comments section will be transformed into our own private writer’s room.  Together, we will create the perfect series, an amalgamation of every trendy element on television today, a programmer’s sublime Frankenstein monster.  So far, we know that our protagonist is a doctor who uses his medical knowledge to solve crimes and then prosecutes the guilty parties.  But, here’s the twist: he’s also a vampire!  BUT he doesn’t know it so he leads a double-life.  During the day, he’s just your typical doctor/detective/lawyer but, at night, he prowls the city’s rooftops, feeding on the criminals who escape the justice meted out by his alter-ego.  And he’s aided by his sidekick, a lovable wizard zombie.  Oh, and the show is a semi-musical.

That’s all I got so far so I’ll need you to fill in the rest.  Who are our supporting characters?  The sassy best friend?  The kooky coroner? The sassy kid?  The cranky father/neighbor/police commissioner?  The sassy mother/neighbor/computer genius?  The telepathic dog?  Please consider making him sassy.  What happens in the pilot?  Remember rule #1 of pilot script writing = It is imperative that the audience not be confused at any point or be left with any questions.  This would be quite alarming for them, so make sure the script leaves no narrative stone unturned in letting us know absolutely everything about our characters, what the show is about, and where it’s going to go.   Explain absolutely everything.  Which brings us to rule #2 of pilot script writing = Avoid heavy exposition.  Finally, what’s the plan for the first season?  And who do you see playing the part of our anti-hero? His chiropractor?  The mouthy elevator boy?

Just post your thoughts right here.  Don’t be shy.  Whether you’re an accountant, a sherpa, or an elephant sperm collector – it doesn’t matter.  You too can be a writer because all that’s really required is a willingness to sit around all day, making shit up.  And a willingness to have your script fixed by accountants, sherpas, and elephant sperm collectors.

And no self-censoring!  Remember, there are no bad ideas.

Apparently.

March 11, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Spirit!

Watching The Spirit be like being trapped in elevator wit chatty, pompous – albeit well-dressed – douchebag suffering from explosive diarrhea.  For 90+ excruciating minutes. Forget waterboarding; dis film be worser cruel and inhuman punishment.  By de point where Samuel L. Jackson strut onto stage in gestapo Nazi regalia to deliver arch, long-winded speech, me already blubbering, broken monster ready to give up anyting to make it stop.

Gabriel Macht’s most memorable role since he played part of Tal Weaver in Beverly Hills 90210

Movie open on cheesy voice-over delivered by De Spirit, a superhero trying very hard to do his best gravely-voiced Batman imitation.  He yammer on about his city as we be treated to silly stylized shots of him beating up muggers.  We learn everyting dat on his mind…becuz he tell us.  Constantly!  Throughout dis entire movie, we subjekted to his annoying voice-overs in which he tell us exaktly what he be tinking – even though it already be pretty obvious.  After a while, you want to shout at de screen: “We know all dis!  Shut de F up and get on wit de movie!”

Spirit arrive on scene of shooting.  He help cop pull detective out of lake.  Spirit point out: “He’s still breathing.”  Yeah, no kidding.  Guy be moving around and clearly conscious so chances are good he’s still breathing, you idiot.  Monster suspekt his heart beating too!  Why not point dat out as well?  Suddenly, dey ambushed by villain, de Octopus, who trow a big chunk of rock at Spirit’s head –  but not before yelling “Heads up!” so dat Spirit have ample warning.

De Spirit and Octopus face off in one of de stoopidest over-de-top mud fight sekwences in cinematic history complete wit giant wrenches, toilets, and big floppy hats.  Two tings be pretty obvious here: 1) both dese guys be indestruktible, and 2) Frank Miller should never be allowed to direkt another movie.  Octopus eskape wit help from his side kick, sexy Silken Floss and clone thugs.

Dr. Octopus?

Shot detective die but Spirit recover locket he be clutching.  Turn out locket belong to Sans Serif (not to be confused wit de font), a girl he grew up wit and still loves.  How we know dis?  Becuz we treated to corny flashback.  AND de point hammered home by more pointless voice-over.  Spirit decide he have to find her.  We know dis becuz he tells us in another voice-over.  And becuz he aktually tries to find her.

Cut to Octopus’s sewer lair where he, dressed up as samurai and Silken dressed up as kimono for reasons known only to direktor, kill off clone thugs while offering expository info dump.  He be after a vase holding de blood of Heracles dat will make him immortal.  And Sans Serif holding de goods!

We introduced to more boring charakters: a detektive and his daughter, de Medical Examiner, who madly in love wit Spirit – even tho she not know his real name.  Monster’s money be on Boring McTedious.

San Serif drop in on creepy businessman and force him to commit suicide, leaving behind her calling card.  A “Z” like Zorro?  Nope.  A photocopy of her ass.

While Octopus back at his lab checking out a cloned hopping foot wit a tiny head on top (Monster not making dis up), Spirit track San Serif down to hotel room.  He surprize her and she get upset and accidentally push him too hard – and out window.  He get coat snagged on de way down and we treated to “hilarious” sekwence of him, wit his pants down around his ankles, trying to use his belt to snag a lifeline.

More inner monologue.  He somehow end up in sewers (Well, dat was easy!) where Silken walk up to him and injekt him wit drug, knocking him out.  Well, dat was even easier!

He wake up tied to chair in front of giant stage where sword-wielding belly-dancer sashay before him.  But she only de opening akt!  Next up, Octopus come out dressed as Nazi and give loooong speech, den order belly-dancer to kill Spirit.

What de Fudgee-o going on here?

LUCKILY, Spirit happen to know belly dancer and, instead of killing him, she free him.  What are de chances?!  She help him eskape, den stick him wit sword becuz, apparently, it was a bad break up.

Samuel L. Jackson furry cosplay.

Octopus orchestrate exchange wit San Serif.  But, before he can get vase, he double-cross her.  Why?  Why not just conklude de deal and take de vase he be desperately after dis entire movie?  Why risk everyting?  Why?  Becuz dat what de skript say of course!

Spirit arrive!  Den cops!  Shootout!  Vase broken and blood of Heracles spilled (Seriously, if it be dat important to you, why not just lick it off de ground?).  Spirit stick a grenade in Octopus and he explode. Nothing left of him but a finger – dat Silken take for safekeeping.  And possible cloning.

Spirit kiss Sans Serif goodbye and confirm his love for Medical Examiner.  Even tho she still not know his name.

Cue annoying ending voice-over monologue.

Verdikt: A ridikulous, pretentious, boring, annoyingly self-indulgent wankfest.  But pretty to look at!

Rating: 3 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Tagged: comic book movies, Comic Books, Comics, Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster film reviews, Cookie Monster movie reviews, Cookie Monster reviews The Spirit, superhero movies, superheroes, SuperMovie of the Week Club, The Spirit, The Supermovie of the Week Club

March 10, 2013: The Doggy Update and News of Note!

I think my pug, Bubba, may be losing his hearing.  As I mentioned the other day, he seems out of sorts lately, drifting off for long stretches as if deep in thought, no longer bounding into the kitchen at the merest sound of the refrigerator door opening.  Today, he exhibited atypically calm behavior in the face of two things that always used to rile him up in the past: 1. A barking dog, and 2. Sara Jessica Parker.  We were out for a walk when we happened by the home of one of his neighborhood enemies, a yappy yorkie who went absolutely berserk as we strolled along.  For his part, Bubba was oblivious.  Granted, we were across the street, but in the past he would have reacted.  And then, later today while Akemi was watching her DVD’s and the theme to Sex and the City came on, Bubba didn’t even notice.  A month ago, the opening notes would have set him off, barking and howling at the t.v., his canine fury rising at the onscreen sight of Sara Jessica Parker in her pink tutu.  Today – nothing.

Okay, he IS an older dog (11 this September) but the change in him has been sudden and dramatic.

My other, older pug, Jelly, meanwhile, has problems of her own.  She is almost certainly deaf (has been for quite some time) and her hip dysplasia makes it very difficult for her to get around, so I’ll often find myself chauffeuring her up and down the stairs, onto and off the bed, out to and in from the back yard.  Despite her obvious discomfort walking, she’s in very good spirits, vocal and waggy – but she was decidedly less so the other night.  She was sitting on her usual perch atop the pillow beside me when she decided to turn around and get comfy.  She shifted, obviously misjudged the room she had, and ended up tumbling off the side of the bed.  Fortunately – or not – instead of hitting the floor, she ended up getting wedged, upside down, between the mattress and the night table, crying out until I was able to rescue her.

Clearly, my dogs are getting old.

Except, of course, for my french bulldog, Lulu.  She’s always on!

The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food!  Check out this excerpt from Michael Moss’s Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked US: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/24/magazine…ichaelmoss&_r=0

Along those same lines, secrets of the sugar industry: Sugar industry’s secret documents revealed

Hey, reality t.v. junkies!  5 Depressing Realities Behind Popular Reality TV Shows  Next thing you know, they’ll be saying that Mystery Diners show is faked!

It’s Mistress Elvira’s School for Wayward Vampire Children.  What did you expect?  Norway teacher fired after children taste her blood

Bill’s dead.  What a relief.  Now we’ll no longer be bombarded by his annoying tweets.  No, wait!  A Way to Post and Tweet From Beyond the Grave – WSJ.com

9 Dead Authors With Insanely Active Social Media Accounts 

‘These things right here are worth $5 million!’ Jennifer Love Hewitt wants to …  What, exactly, has to happen that would require the insurance company pay off Jennifer Lopez’s 27 million dollar ass insurance?

Er, is that Zombie Jughead?  Archie Takes on the Undead

Tagged: french bulldogs, pugs

March 9, 2013: Recommended Reads!

I am what my old college professor used to refer to as “a voracious reader”.  I read A LOT – anytime, anywhere – usually for a couple of hours every night before going to sleep but, occasionally, while I’m waiting for appointments or for my significant other to finish shopping or for the traffic light to turn green.  And yet, for someone who reads as much as I do, you would think I would be able to recommend far more great titles.  The truth is, I’ve read many good books, many bad books, and many more average books, but few GREAT books.  The type of books that keep you up until two or three in the morning.  The type of books you recommend to friends because you want to vicariously re-experience the joy of discovery through them.

Over the years, every so often, I’ll offer up a list of recent reads I’ve greatly enjoyed.  Past recommendations have included (but not been limited to): Frank M. Robinsons’ The Dark Beyond the Stars, Joe Abercombie’s First Law Series, George R. R. Martin’s Ice and Fire series, Iain M. Banks’ The Player of Games, Inversions, and Use of Weapons, Thomas M. Disch’s Camp Concentration, Ted Chiang’s Stories of Your Life and Others, William Goldman’s The Princess Bride, Jeffrey Ford’s The Empire of Ice Cream, The Fantasy Writer’s Assistant and Other Stories, Elizabeth Moon’s The Speed of Dark, China Mieville’s The Scar, John Scalzi’s Old Man’s War and The Android’s Dream, Charles Stross’ Glass House, Fast Forward 1: Future Fiction from the Cutting Edge edited by Lou Anders, John Steakley’s Armor, John Varley’s The Ophiuchi Hotline, Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events, The SFWA European Hall of Fame collection, Roger Zelazny’s Lord of Light, the writings of David Sedaris, Scott Lynch’s The Lies of Locke Lamora, Robert Kirkman’s The Walking Dead, Jason Aaron’s Scalped, Matthew Woodring Stover’s Heroes Die, Jonathan Barnes’ The Somnambulist, the writings of Jeffrey Steingarten, Christopher Moore’s Fool, Stephen King’s Misery, David Benioff’s City of Thieves, Helen Simonson’s Major Pettigrew’s Last Stand, Gotham Central by Ed Brubaker and Greg Rucka, Lost At Sea: The Jon Ronson Mysteries, The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry – also by Jon Ronson, and One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  A fairly eclectic mix, no?

Well, today, I’d like to add a few titles to that list…

CONJURE WIFE by Fritz Leiber

A college professor discovers his wife is a practicing witch.  Dismissing the very notion of magic as superstitious nonsense, he convinces her to give up her mystical pursuits.  She reluctantly agrees, destroying her protective charms.  Soon after, however, the professor’s luck takes a turn for the worse and he quickly realizes that his wife isn’t the only would-be witch in town.

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS by Sara Gruen

The fact that it’s filed under Historical Romance lead me to dismiss this book, but I picked it up on a lark last week.  I read the first 100 pages the night before last, then ended up finishing the last 25o pages last night.  A 93-year old nursing home resident reflects back on his youth during The Great Depression.  At age 23, following the sudden death of his parents, he decides to forego his final exams at Cornell to join the circus.  It’s a tale both touching and tragic peopled with memorable characters like the circus’s ruthless owner Uncle Al, a seemingly obstinate elephant named Rosie and, my favorite, a lonely dwarf named Kinko.

RELIC by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child

Despite the great things I’d heard on this blog by several of you, I avoided this book because I erroneously assumed it was park of a steampunk detective series.  Also, I prefer standalone novels.  As it turns out, I was wrong about both – the assumption that it was a steampunk detective series AND the fact that I preferred standalone novels.  Relic is a great introduction to one of the greatest characters in the mystery genre, Federal Agent Aloysius Pendergast, and a wonderfully suspenseful read to boot.

In addition to reading novels, I’m also following a few comic book titles as well.  I’m reading enjoying:

DAREDEVIL: END OF DAYS (limited series) written by Brian Michael Bendis

My favorite ongoing title is a gritty, noir thrill-ride that will, sadly, end in two issues.

THOR written by Jason Aaron

I’ve never been a fan of the God of Thunder, but all that changed when Jason Aaron took over writing duties on the book.  Aye, verily!

ULTIMATE SPIDERMAN written by Brian Michael Bendis

I was dubious about the new (alt. universe) Spiderman but Bendis has won me over with his gift for character and dialogue.

NEW AVENGERS written by Jonathan Hickman

Loved Hickman’s run on The Ultimates and love what he is doing here. One of the most engagingly complex super-themed titles out there.

HAWKEYE written by Matt Fraction

A unique take on the cape and cowl genre focuses on the life of Clint Barton, aka Hawkeye, when he isn’t hanging out with his fellow Avengers.

ALL NEW X-MEN written by Brian Michael Bendis

Past and present collide when the original X-Men travel to the future and meet their contemporaries led by Wolverine.

UNCANNY X-MEN written by Brian Michael Bendis

The flipside to the All New X-Men focuses on Cyclops and his rebel faction as they attempt to recruit new mutants to their cause.

DAREDEVIL written by Mark Waid

One of my favorite comic book characters written by one of my favorite comic book writers.

THE INDESTRUCTIBLE HULK written by Mark Waid

Bruce Banner, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.?  An intriguing new take on the un-jolly green giant.

DEADPOOL ILLUSTRATED written by Cullen Bunn

The merc with the mouth kills his way through the classics.  In issue #1, he took down Ishmael and Moby Dick.  In the latest issue, he goes toe to toe with Tom Sawyer.  What’s not to love?

DEADPOOL by Brian Posehn

Actor/comedian Brian Posehn shows off terrific comic book writing chops as he pits Deadpool against a murderous ghosts of dead presidents.  Take that, Lincoln!

March 8, 2013: A word of advice! Campaganolo with Carl!

If there’s a single word of advice I would offer anyone thinking of becoming a writer for film and/or television, it would be: “Don’t”.  Don’t do it.  Spare yourself the aggravation.  The endless waiting.  The incessant disappointments.  The interminable meetings that never seem to reach a consensus, even when it appears as though consensus has been reached.  The nonsensical, often contradictory notes.  The long days and even longer nights spent working on your script, be it on your laptop, when you’re driving, or while you’re lying in bed. Seriously.  There are far more respectable and satisfying ways to make a living.  Bee wrangler comes to mind.

Moving on…

Hey!  Guess who Akemi and I had dinner with last night?  THESE guys -

Ivon Bartok

Robert Cooper

And special guest star: Carl Binder

Yes!  Our friend Carl Binder is back in town and so, last night, we got together for a terrific meal at Campagnolo Restaurant.  Among the evening’s culinary highlights:

Bruschetta with canellini beans, dry cured ham, and mozzarella cheese.

Large Salumi Platter – chef’s selection

Potato Gnocci with braised beef cheeks, broccoli, and fontina d’aosta.

Spaghetti al Pomodoro with tomato sauce, garlic, olive oil and basil.

Almond Cake with cream cheese mousse, preserved peaches, and brown butter.

Today’s blog entry is dedicated to birthday boy Ivon Bartok!

Tagged: Campagnolo Restaurant

March 7, 2013: What’s up with Bubba?

What’s up with me?

Okay, all you closet animal psychologists – I require your expertise. Something is up with my pug, Bubba.  I noticed a slight change in his behavior couple of months back.   Always a terrific walker, he had started lagging, sometimes stopping altogether and refusing to budge. What I at first assumed to be the effects of old age (he’s ten now), I eventually chalked up to hard-headedness as it soon became apparent that he only proved obstinate on the way back home.  Leaving the house was no problem at all.  Heck, the behavior he displayed at the start of each walk was downright puppy-like, barking, bounding about, scampering down the sidewalk with such purpose you’d think he was running some errand only he was privy to.

Eventually, it became part of his routine – the excited exit inevitably followed by the reluctant return – and I didn’t give it much thought. But, lately, he’s been exhibiting other odd behavior patterns. Sometimes, he’ll take a seat in a corner by himself as if giving himself a time-out.  Or other times, he’ll gaze up out at some unseen object and, seemingly deep in thought, zone out and refuse to acknowledge anyone around him – no matter how many times you call his name. Whereas, in the past, the mere sound of the refrigerator door opening would bring him charging into the kitchen in frenzied expectation of a treat, nowadays the treats have to be hand delivered to his perch atop the couch in the living room.

He’s also proven incredibly needy of late, demonstrating separation anxiety for the first time in recent memory, howling mournfully when Akemi goes out for a walk with the other dogs or if I leave him in the car with Akemi while I pop out to get something.

Akemi is, of course, very concerned.  In the few short years she’s been in Canada, she and Bubba have developed the type of close relationship I can only aspire to…

I had him checked out at the vet and his blood tests showed no issues. And, as is always the case when you visit a doctor, whatever symptoms brought you there in the first place magically disappear the second you step through the door.  Bubba was jumping around excitedly, tail wagging – a far cry from the quiet, introspect pug that had us concerned only days earlier.

The vet suggested it could be one of several possibilities: a liver issue, a brain tumor, old age, or plain old stubborness.  For now, I’m going with a mix of the last two but will be keeping my eye on him…

What do you think?  What’s up the old boy?

Today’s entry is dedicated to Stargate fan Thomas Smethurst who passed way earlier today following a courageous battle with cancer. Condolences to his friends and family.

Tagged: pugs

March 6, 2013: I’m finally gonna do it!

So, I’m finally going to do it.  I’m finally going to sell my car.  I really should have done it a while ago but, to be honest, I didn’t want to deal with the hassle.  I figured it would have been so much easier to simply trade in my old Q7 as part of a new vehicle purchase, but the dealer convinced me I’d be better off selling the car privately, say on craigslist (and, in so doing, unintentionally talked me out of buying a new car from him). He was right!  I SHOULD sell my car privately!

Eventually.

Months passed.  I was distracted by other matters: work, personal issues, my new sous vide machine.

Finally, last week, I decided to finally do it.  I got my Q7 inspected.  I made some minor repairs.  I assembled the proper paperwork and did my research.  The apparent rules of selling a car: “Don’t accept personal checks!  Only accept cashier’s checks or money orders!”.  Well, that seemed pretty obvious.  Armed with this information, I went over to craigslist.  There, the first warning to greet me when I went to post my listing: “Most cashier’s check or money orders offered to craigslist sellers are COUNTERFEIT — cashing them can lead to financial ruin.” So, unless I’m misreading this, craigslist is warning me that I am almost certain to be cheated if I attempt to do business on craigslist.

WTF?

Oh, hey, just wanted everyone to know that I’m in total agreement with those criticizing our resident film critic, Cookie Monster, on his recent review of The Dark Knight.  How dare he give it a measly 8 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies and have the gall to critique the movie’s lapses in logic.  This is a superhero movie and, as we all know, superhero movies shouldn’t be held to the same high standards of other movies.  We have to suspend our disbelief and accept the fact that people can fly, get bitten by radioactive spiders, and say and do things that make absolutely no sense.  I mean, you can’t expect a scriptwriter to come up with cool chase scenes AND have the villain’s plan make sense too!  Am I right?  Granted, Hollywood does occasionally release the odd well-written comic book movie that adheres to an internal logic despite being set in a super-themed world (ie. Iron Man, the first two X-Men movies, the first Spiderman movie), but those are flukes, accidents of the production process caused by individuals with too much time and talent on their hands.

All this to say, REALLY looking forward to next week’s review of The Spirit which, if you don’t mind my saying, looks positively brilliant:

How could Cookie Monster gives this movie any less than 9 chocolate chippee cookies?!

Mailbag:

Randomness writes: “@Carl Binder who finally arrives in town to start prep on his new show! - Hope it goes well for him, but at the same time, kinda weird how you and Paul, who were arguably better writers/producers than him still haven’t had as much luck with your projects.”

Answer: No one I know (present company included) is a better writer/producer than Carl Binder.

March 5, 2013: Top Chef! Familiar faces! An honest trailer for The Dark Knight!

I finally watched the Top Chef Seattle finale last night and all I can say is – huh?  When did the show turn into a cross between Iron Chef, American Idol, and Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?  The final two contestants battle it out before a “live” audience in a Kitchen Stadium-like venue, taking breaks between each course to receive judgement on their individual dishes while the audience hoots and hollers (and we are treated to interminably plodding interviews with friends, family members, and past winners).  The five judges critique the plates and vote.  Cue Who Wants to Be a Millionaire-esque lights and music! Three votes out of a possible five wins the round.  Three out of a possible five courses takes the title.  Of course, if you happened to be keeping an eye on the time, you’ll have noticed that there was only five minutes left in the show when the contestants went up for the fourth course judgement.  Since one contestant was already up 2-1, it was pretty much assured she would walk away with this fourth round and win the contestant.  So much for suspense.  Alternately, if it would have come down to the fifth and final round, everyone would have screamed “Fix!”. It’s like those Best of Five cook-offs on Hell’s Kitchen that always manage to come down to that fifth and final round.  So how to avoid this “damned if you do; damned if you don’t” scenario? Simple.  Don’t.  Don’t change the formula that has made Top Chef a success for so many years!

Also, speaking of this season’s Top Chef, did anybody else notice that Padma seemed a little…hmmm…how should I put this…what’s a delicate synonym word for bitchy?…Testy?  Snappy?  Of consistently unpleasant disposition?  Did anybody else notice that Padma seemed to demonstrate all of the above this past season?

These past few days have been one extended Stargate reunion.  On Saturday, I ran into former SG-1 and Atlantis Playback Artist Julie Oya while out for ramen.  Then, on Sunday, I ran into former SG-1/Atlantis/Universe Assistant Director Alex Pappas in the Granville Island Market.  Finally, Monday, I went out for drinks with some other former Stargate alums, among them Editor Mike “Banacek” Banas, VFX Supervisor Mark Savela, Exec Producer Robert Cooper, Post Production Supervisor Kerry McDowell, Post Production Supervisor Jennifer Johnson, and Script Coordinator Lawren Bancroft-Wilson.  Later this week, it’ll be dinner with Rob, Special Features Producer Ivon Bartok, and Exec. Producer Carl Binder who finally arrives in town to start prep on his new show!

Finally, to those dumping on Cookie Monster for “nitpicking” the flawless masterpiece that was The Dark Knight, I submit the following Honest Trailer:

Thanks to gforce for sending it our way!

March 4, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Dark Knight!

Tree tings monster hate most in dis world: injustice, poverty, and movies dat run more den two hours.  Unless film be based on musty Russian novel, it have no business being so long.  Seriously!  Your movie be about a guy running around town in a cape punching people. It not exaktly Anna Carnita or Dr. Chicago.

Still Dark Knight be pretty good movie.  In many ways, it be better den first movie in series.  In other ways, it be worse. Specifically, in small, stoopid, “dis makes no sense” ways.

De last clown you want showing up to your kid’s birtday party

Movie begin wit bank heist.  Robbers wit clown masks break in, den start killing each other off becuz dey were told to.  Of course, anyone wit half a brain would realize “Hey, someone tell me to kill off my bank robbing buddy, MEBBE someone telling my bank robbing buddy to kill me too!”.  Only one guy come to dis conklusion – but only eventually AFTER de heist.  And he get creamed by school bus.

Last surviving bank robber remove clown mask to reveal…clown face! Let’s call him…Mr. Giggleshiv!  No.  Bozomofo!  No.  De Joker!  He climb into bus and den, presumably because he called ahead to get bus schedule, he merge into line of school buses driving by.  He merge into traffik BY DRIVING OUT OF A DESTROYED BANK!  You would tink someone might notice?  Find it odd?  Moving on…

Legend of de Batman keeping bad guys running scared.  But Batman not de only good guy in Gotham.  District Attorney Harvey Dent also getting quite de rep as criminal ass-kicker.  Heads of different crime faktions get together to complain about him.  Meeting get crashed by Joker who do cool magik trick, den offer to kill Batman for half deir money.  And he not take no for an answer.

Batman travel to Hong Kong where he kidnap some accountant as part of useless storyline dat go absolutely nowhere and add nothing to main story.

Meanwhile, Joker start causing trouble in Gotham.  He poison Commissioner Leob wit acid.  He blow up judge.  And what Batman movie would be complete witout ubiquitous scene of bad guy crashing fancy soiree?  Joker show up at big shingding for Harvey Dent.  Batman also show up but Joker get away by pulling de ole “trow de girl out de window” gag.

But Joker strike again.  He make attempt on Harvey Dent in broad daylight.  Batman’s buddy, Jim Gordon, get shot and killed.  No, we not see body but police break news to poor, grieving wife so he obviously dead.  Right?

Assistant to assistant of de assistant DA, Rachel Dawes, have quiet moment wit Bruce where he tell her he going to reveal his sekret identity.  Dey kiss.  Wait?  What?!  Who dis woman?  How she know his identity?  Monster not recognize her at all!  No.  Wait.  It be different aktress playing part of Bruce’s love interest/perpetual damsel in dis dress from first movie.  Oh, me get it now.  She better den last aktress at akting, but worse den her at staying alive.

At press conference, Harvey Dent admit…HE Batman.  And arrested. Hunh?  If Bruce in on dis ruse, why he tell Rachel HE going to admit to being Batman?  If he not in on ruse, why he not speak up?

Joker end up attacking convoy transporting “Batman”, just like Harvey planned.  Batman crash de party and Jim Gordon show up in nick of time and capture Joker.  Wait!  What?  Jim Gordon alive?!  But police told his wife he be dead!  Cue scene where Jim tell his wife he sorry but he couldn’t tell her de truth.  Why not?  Mebbe she a blabbermouth who can’t be trusted?

Harvey and Rachel missing.  Batman interrogate Joker.  He tell Batman where to find dem, but he can only save one.  Only one!  Why?  Why not call someone who be in de area and save both?

Gordon race to scene where Rachel being held – but too late.  She get blown up.  Batman save Harvey – who end up wit an ouchy on his face…

Ouchy!

To top tings off, Joker eskape from interrogation room by…well, we not sure how.   Presumably, he overpower Detective Bullock?  We just have to take his word for it.  He blow up police station by triggering phone bomb in his thug’s stomach.  Whew.  Good ting police metal detektor broken dat day!

Joker threaten to blow up hospital!  Dressed up as nurse, he pay visit to Harvey and talk some nonsense into him.  He offer to let Harvey kill him.  Crazy Harvey, flip a coin – and let him live.

City in chaos!  No one can leave becuz Joker hint he may have rigged bridges and tunnels wit explosives!

Harvey start taking revenge on dose responsible for death of Rachel (except guy directly responsible, de Joker).  He surprise mobster in back of his car, flip his coin to see if he shoot him or not.  Mobster luck out.  Coin say no.  So Harvey shoot driver instead, causing car to crash. Huh?  Why driver not deserve coin flip?  He just a guy doing his job!

Only way out of Gotham is by ferry.  Knowing dis, police make a point of checking it for explosives send dem on deir way.  And, guess what? Dey diskover explosives on board!  Dey also find box containing detonator.  Dis result in most stoopidest clumsy line in movie when guy ask: “Why would they give us the detonator to our own bomb?”. OUR OWN bomb?.  Why would he say dis?  Becuz dere be ANOTHER ferry out dere wit ANOTHER bomb!  Aktually, no.  Dere be no reason for him to say dis.  It sound like a line de studio added “for clarity” and it just end up making even less sense.

Passengers on both ferries told dey have detonator to other ferry’s bomb.  If dey trigger other bomb, dey save demselves.  If dey don’t choose, dey all die!

Batman track down Joker to high-rise.  Exciting showdown ensue. Batman capture Joker and foil his attempt to blow up ferries. Passengers on both ferries do de right ting and don’t blow each other up.  We have all learned valuable lesson today about de human spirit and de power of love to conquer -

But wait!  It not over!  Harvey Dent kidnap Jim Gordon’s family!  He going to get his revenge on Gordon becuz…er…becuz…Jim Gordon…uh…becuz Harvey be crazy.

But Batman arrive in nick of time!  He save Gordon and co., killing (?) Harvey/Two-Face.  He and Gordon decide to publikly lie and accuse de innocent Batman of Harvey’s murder so dat, uh, Harvey can remain symbol for truth and justice.  By lying and accusing an innocent man. Truth and justice.  Okie dokie.

Verdikt: Overall a pretty good movie if you squint at de little stoopidities.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

Tagged: Batman, comic book movies, Comic Books, Comics, Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster movie reviews, film reviews, movie reviews, superhero film reviews, superhero films, superhero movie reviews, superhero movies, superheroes, The Dark Knight