Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 275

May 1, 2018: Montreal update!

This morning, I was up at 6:25 a.m. so that I could almost drop my mother off at the train station.  I say “almost” because, as we were backing down the driveway, my mother noticed her neighbor across the street getting into her car.  As it turned out, she was also headed to the train station so, in the end, I didn’t have to bother – although, in truth, dropping mom off at the station ranks nowhere near as bothersome as having to wake up at 6:25 a.m.

Still, I made the most of the early start, tackling that script, revising the tease and then hammering out the first and second acts, hitting the top of  page 32, well over the halfway mark.  In addition, I got in a 45 minute work-out, 4 dog walks, a Japanese lesson, and even managed to squeeze in one 30 minute nap.  I’m on fire!  And I owe it all to an absence of internet.

Well, technically, almost an absence of internet because, while mom doesn’t have internet, my sister does and I am over her house twice a day to feed the cat…and update this blog.

Although I’m missing the gang back in Toronto, I am hanging with a new pack while in Montreal…

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Felix – the love of mom’s life.  The spoiled one.

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Caramel – the male dog with the female dog’s name.  The cranky one.

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Ralph – high-strung.  The jumpy one.

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Fernando – blind in both eyes.  The gentle one.

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Kona – my new best friend.  The crazy one.

I fee like I’m putting a gang together for a heist.  It’s like Ocean’s Eleven, but good and with dogs.

Oh yeah, finished another book yesterday which puts me at 129 for the year to date – but, in all fairness, about a third of those were graphic novels so, if you’re a purist, it’s a mere 85 or so titles.  I quite liked A.J. Finn’s The Woman in the Window, a contemporary riff on Rear Window.  Barbara Kingsolver’s The Poisonwood Bible was an emotionally exhausting but incredibly rewarding read about a missionary family’s experience in late 1950’s Congo.  Both Sue Burke’s Semiosis and Adrian Tchaikovsky’s Children of Time approach a similar premise from different angles – human colonists’ otherworldly encounters with alien life forms – but they both deliver a brilliant hard SF exploration of extraterrestrial biological and sociological evolution.  All highly recommended.

April 30, 2018: Montreal!

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Well, I’m back in my hometown of Montreal for seven glorious days of writing, reading, and running occasional errands.  I have two major projects to finish up while I’m here, the first that SF pilot rewrite that, if it goes, will probably take me back to Vancouver, and the second a horror pitch that, should it move forward, will take me even further east to the home of puffins, toutons, and cod tongues.  And, if both fail to land and all of the other projects I currently have in play fall through, then I’ll be heading even further east (or west) because, well, screw it.  I don’t have (nor, frankly, require) the patience for this.

Pictured above: sis photobombs mom.

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Ah, it wouldn’t be home without the fried peppers and crab mousse.  Not pictured: the piece of home made apple pie the size of a George R. R. Martin paperback I had with an equivalent serving of Haagen-Dazs (vanilla, peanut butter chocolate fudge, and chocolate salted fudge truffle).

While I’m here, I will miss Akemi and Lulu and Suji and the comforts of home in Toronto, but mostly I’ll miss this daily indignant outrage at not getting out fast enough for walkies:

 

April 29, 2018: Writer’s Retreat!

Tomorrow, I depart for a seven day writer’s retreat.

In reality, it’s just a week in Montreal to assist mom while my sister is out of town, but given the fact that my mother doesn’t have internet, I’m expecting it to be a highly productive getaway.

There are two high-priority projects on the docket.  The first is a rewrite of a pilot script that requires a few…significant changes, like making the end of Act 1 the final beat of the episode.  The second project is a fast-track horror series overview I need to nail down ahead of an all-important pitch.

Other than that, it’s just me, mom, the dogs, no less than 25 digital books, and the first seven episodes of Dan Simmons’ The Terror.

Also, while in Montreal, I’m going to try and track down a cassata, a Sicilian dessert featured in a recent episode of Chef’s Table: Pastry that, despite being an Italian classic, apparently doesn’t exist in the Toronto area.  Along with great affordable sushi, a good independent bookstore, and friendly Whole Food staff.

While I’m away, Akemi will no doubt continue her extensive research into furnishings for our new home.  Now, whenever we’re out, she insists on us testing every chair, couch, ottoman, and chaise longue we happen across.  Hopefully, in my absence, she’ll be able to come to some hard decisions regarding full-length mirrors and throw pillows.

Today, I leave you with this:

Eating Chocolate Can Reduce Stress

I’m stocking up!

April 28, 2018: Best Books of 2018 to date!

In celebration of Independent Bookstore Day, I offer my Top Reads of 2018 (to date)!

I dedicate this post to my favorite independent bookstore (nine months into my move to Toronto and still): The Book Warehouse, where the staff actually selects their own Staff Picks rather than fronting recommendations from head office.

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The Armored Saint by Myke Cole

In a world where any act of magic could open a portal to hell, the Order insures that no wizard will live to summon devils, and will kill as many innocent people as they must to prevent that greater horror. After witnessing a horrendous slaughter, the village girl Heloise opposes the Order, and risks bringing their wrath down on herself, her family, and her village.

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Bury What We Cannot Take by Kirstin Chen

The day nine-year-old San San and her twelve-year-old brother, Ah Liam, discover their grandmother taking a hammer to a framed portrait of Chairman Mao is the day that forever changes their lives. To prove his loyalty to the Party, Ah Liam reports his grandmother to the authorities. But his belief in doing the right thing sets in motion a terrible chain of events.

Now they must flee their home on Drum Wave Islet, which sits just a few hundred meters across the channel from mainland China. But when their mother goes to procure visas for safe passage to Hong Kong, the government will only issue them on the condition that she leave behind one of her children as proof of the family’s intention to return.

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The Friend by Sigrid Nunez

When a woman unexpectedly loses her lifelong best friend and mentor, she finds herself burdened with the unwanted dog he has left behind. Her own battle against grief is intensified by the mute suffering of the dog, a huge Great Dane traumatized by the inexplicable disappearance of its master, and by the threat of eviction: dogs are prohibited in her apartment building.

While others worry that grief has made her a victim of magical thinking, the woman refuses to be separated from the dog except for brief periods of time. Isolated from the rest of the world, increasingly obsessed with the dog’s care, determined to read its mind and fathom its heart, she comes dangerously close to unraveling. But while troubles abound, rich and surprising rewards lie in store for both of them.

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Grist Mill Road by Christopher J. Yates

The year is 1982; the setting, an Edenic hamlet some ninety miles north of New York City. There, among the craggy rock cliffs and glacial ponds of timeworn mountains, three friends—Patrick, Matthew, and Hannah—are bound together by a terrible and seemingly senseless crime. Twenty-six years later, in New York City, living lives their younger selves never could have predicted, the three meet again—with even more devastating results.

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I Am, I Am, I Am: Seventeen Brushes with Death by Maggie O’Farrell

I Am, I Am, I Am is Maggie O’Farrell’s astonishing memoir of the near-death experiences that have punctuated and defined her life. The childhood illness that left her bedridden for a year, which she was not expected to survive. A teenage yearning to escape that nearly ended in disaster. An encounter with a disturbed man on a remote path. And, most terrifying of all, an ongoing, daily struggle to protect her daughter–for whom this book was written–from a condition that leaves her unimaginably vulnerable to life’s myriad dangers.

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I’ll Be Gone in the Dark: One Woman’s Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer by Michelle McNamara

I’ll Be Gone in the Dark—the masterpiece McNamara was writing at the time of her sudden death—offers an atmospheric snapshot of a moment in American history and a chilling account of a criminal mastermind and the wreckage he left behind. It is also a portrait of a woman’s obsession and her unflagging pursuit of the truth. Framed by an introduction by Gillian Flynn and an afterword by her husband, Patton Oswalt, the book was completed by Michelle’s lead researcher and a close colleague. Utterly original and compelling, it is destined to become a true crime classic—and may at last unmask the Golden State Killer.

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A Map of the Dark by Karen Ellis

FBI Agent Elsa Myers finds missing people.

She knows how it feels to be lost…

Though her father lies dying in a hospital north of New York City, Elsa cannot refuse a call for help. A teenage girl has gone missing from Forest Hills, Queens, and during the critical first hours of the case, a series of false leads hides the fact that she did not go willingly.

With each passing hour, as the hunt for Ruby deepens into a search for a man who may have been killing for years, the case starts to get underneath Elsa’s skin. Everything she has buried – her fraught relationship with her sister and niece, her self-destructive past, her mother’s death – threatens to resurface, with devastating consequences.

In order to save the missing girl, she may have to lose herself…and return to the darkness she’s been hiding from for years.

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The Perfect Nanny by Leila Slimani

When Myriam, a mother and brilliant French-Moroccan lawyer, decides to return to work, she and her husband are forced to look for a caretaker for their two young children. They are thrilled to find Louise: the perfect nanny right from the start. Louise sings to the children, cleans the family’s beautiful apartment in Paris’s upscale tenth arrondissement, stays late whenever asked, and hosts enviable kiddie parties. But as the couple and the nanny become more dependent on each other, jealousy, resentment, and frustrations mount, shattering the idyllic tableau.

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A River in the Darkness: One Man’s Escape from North Korea by Masaji Ishikawa

In this memoir translated from the original Japanese, Ishikawa candidly recounts his tumultuous upbringing and the brutal thirty-six years he spent living under a crushing totalitarian regime, as well as the challenges he faced repatriating to Japan after barely escaping North Korea with his life. A River in Darkness is not only a shocking portrait of life inside the country but a testament to the dignity—and indomitable nature—of the human spirit.

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Semiosis by Sue Burke

Forced to land on a planet they aren’t prepared for, human colonists rely on their limited resources to survive. The planet provides a lush but inexplicable landscape–trees offer edible, addictive fruit one day and poison the next, while the ruins of an alien race are found entwined in the roots of a strange plant. Conflicts between generations arise as they struggle to understand one another and grapple with an unknowable alien intellect.

April 27, 2018: You’ve Been Ghosted!

I came across an article a few years ago that explored the phenomenon of “ghosting”.  In a nutshell, ghosting refers to the act of abruptly breaking off a relationship and ceasing all communications, effectively banishing the other party to an intangible ghost-like existence.  As I read the article, I was surprised – not by the ruthlessness or mindset devoid of empathy required to effectively carry out this relationship strategy, but the fact that it was considered, at the time, a shocking new low in anti-social social behavior.  Ghosting?  New? I remember scoffing.  Hell, Hollywood invented that shit!

In show business, ghosting can involve varied players, from that enthusiastic executive who asks you to send him your pilot script to, say, a broadcaster for whom you’ve produced almost 300 hours of television.  It can be annoying, frustrating, and altogether bewildering because, on the surface, you would think that your typical human of average intellect would see the pitfalls of adopting such an approach in a professional context.  I don’t know.  If I had applied for a job that I ultimately didn’t get, I’d have a lot more respect for someone who contacted me and let me know it wasn’t happening than someone who simply cut me off in the hopes that I would get the message.  Eventually.  But maybe that’s just me.

Or maybe I’m just smarting from a recent ghosting.

I’ve done a few “takes” over the past couple of months.  A “take” is a writer’s vision for how he or she might adapt a pre-existing idea or piece of I.P. (ie. book, game, comic book).  In a best case scenario, the writer is hired to develop a pitch package that can be presented to potential buyers.  In a less ideal scenario, the writer is one of many who will be asked to offer up their take as part of a bake-off style set-up where the best pitch wins (You’ll usually know if it’s the former or the latter but sometimes wires get crossed and you go in assuming you’re the only horse in the race only to be informed, after the fact, that you weren’t and the production is moving ahead without you.  But more on this unlikely outcome in a future rant.)

So, back in February, I was invited to offer up my take for a proposed television series based on an existing concept.  From the get-go, I knew that I was one of several showrunners approached but I accepted the challenge because I loved the property and, more importantly, I had a fantastic take.  And so, I got to work, researching online and then crafting a pitch that involved overviews of the first few episodes, character and story arcs for the first season, and a game plan for a full five year run.  I reviewed my pitch until I knew it backwards and forwards, then hopped on the phone with a couple of executives (including my point-person at the company) and, over the course of an hour, delivered my take.  Once I was done, they thanked me and informed me they would have a decision within the month.

Roughly five weeks later, I followed up with a quick email:

Hey (Point Person),

Joe Mallozzi here.  Hope you’re well.

Just following up on the pitch, checking in to see whether you and your team had made any decisions yet.

Joe

Another week passed with no response to my query, so I followed up my follow-up:

Hi (Point Person),

Joseph Mallozzi here.  I’m reaching out to find out if you had made a decision on the (project) front.

Thanks,

Joe

Still no response.  Of course, I automatically assumed the worst, that some tragedy had befallen this executive, one that has rendered him incapable of responding to a simple email.  Trapped beneath his kitchen refrigerator, surviving for weeks on only ice cubes and Frank’s Red Hot, his cellphone lying just out of reach, intermittently taunting him with the chime and flash of received emails while I, selfishly, obsessed over some t.v. show.

Since I didn’t know anyone else at the company who might be able to check up on him, I contacted my manager and asked him to look into it.  The next day, my manager called to inform me that, thankfully, the executive was safe and sound – but that his team had decided to go with someone else’s take.  Nevertheless, my manager reassured, the executive really wants to develop something with me in the near future.

As flattering as that is, I’m not exactly sure how the hell that’s supposed to work.  I mean, collaborations tend to require at least a minimal amount of communication between the parties involved so what do we do in this case?  Are we going to hire my manager as a part-time Discourse Broker?  Invest in some kind of hive mind technology?  Should I be brushing up on my ESP?  Any suggestions?  Would love to hear your thoughts.

Unless, of course, I’ve already muted you on twitter.

April 26, 2018: Actor Andrew Moodie Answers Your Questions!

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One of the many highlights of working on Dark Matter was the opportunity I got to collaborate with some truly gifted individuals, both in front and behind the camera.  Actor Andrew Moodie, who played the role of Teku Fonsei, is one example. He’s not only talented, poised, and professional, but one of the nicest guys you’ll ever have the pleasure to sit down with over a lunch of grilled octopus and crispy pig’s ears.

When last we met, I asked Andrew if he’d be interested in doing a fan Q&A.  He happily obliged and, today, I turn this blog over to him.  Thanks, Andrew!

Iggy Ming writes: “For Andrew Moodie: No questions, just wanted to say that I worked at the Grace Hospital about 25 years ago and knew your Mom, Marjorie. She was the loveliest lady, and I remember her talking about you with pride. I hope she is doing well and is still tending to her garden. I was only there for about 3 years and doubt that she would remember me. Loved your role on DM. I will keep an eye out for any upcoming shows that you might be in.”

Andrew: Iggy! It’s amazing that  you worked with my Mom. I will get your information from Joe and we can say hi the next time I’m in Ottawa. I’m very proud of my Mom. Both my sister and I have our work ethic from her. Next time I chat with her I’ll say hi from you. And thanks for the kind words about her garden. It’s very impressive. Unfortunately I have a really bad pollen allergy so it’s actually torture for me when the garden is in full bloom. Ah well. I am in a feature film that should be coming out this summer. But nothing as good as Dark Matter. And I’m not just saying that to make Joe feel good. It really was such a great experience.

Shinyhula writes: “Questions for Andrew Moodie, what’s your favorite meals in Vancouver, after pigs ears of course. What has been your favorite stage role so far? What is your favorite store in Vancouver that you can spend all day in (that isn’t Ikea)? Did you keep any of Teku’s cool wardrobe?”

Andrew: Shinyhula, you are a Vancouverite I take it. I really miss Vancouver. I lived there many decades ago back in the early nineties. And all the places I loved to eat are long gone. There was a Goth Burger joint on Granville street I used to go to. I would listen to the Cure on my Walkman and write poetry about death. Good times. I have very fond memories of working at a restaurant with my friend Pat Garland. I won’t tell you the name of the restaurant, but it was owned by some guys who won the lottery, left their jobs and opened up a restaurant. They also quickly developed a habit for hard drugs unfortunately. We never knew if we were going to get paid from one day to the next. One day, my friend Pat was fed up, and went into the fridge, took out the ingredients he had found and he made a white chocolate blueberry ice cream for everyone who worked in the kitchen. It was AMAZING. One of the best desserts I’ve ever had in my LIFE. I still talk about it to this very day. If you ever get to Ottawa, you HAVE to go to his restaurant, it’s called Absinthe.

Most recently, I’m a big fan of La Mezcaleria. I hope it’s still there. Best Mexican breakfast EVER. 

I don’t spend that much time in stores generally, but I still love walking around Granville Island. Seeing shows at the Arts Club. Go see a show there if you can! Some of the finest work in Canada.

And there was a beautiful Kimono that Teku wore in one of the early episodes. Such incredible craftsmanship.  Hmmm, maybe I should ask Joseph what happened to it?

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LancasterAlan writes: “Hey Andrew, since you’ve done both stage acting and television performance, I was wondering if you could tell me the major differences between the two.  The pros and cons of each.  And which you prefer.  Thanks.”

Andrew: Film is like a mountain, theatre is like the sky. Film lasts for a long long time. And it never changes. A theatre performance is different every night. I love both for their unique natures.

Basilisk7 writes: “Andrew, did you always know, or have a feeling, who was going to be revealed as the traitor in Ryo’s court?  Was there a time that you suspected Teku could have been the traitor?   How did you enjoy your time on the Dark Matter set?  Where there any particular moments you can think of that really stood out for you?  Did Joe give you any hints into what he had planned for Teku?”

Andrew: Joe was the most generous writer I have ever experienced and shared so much with me about the character and his history, and his relationship with Ryo. But I’ll be honest with you, I kinda suspected. I do  LOT of preparation for any role that I perform in, and in my preparation, a few things seem to come together.

Loved my time on set. The crew was so generous. I loved shooting on those sets. The court scenes with Ryo were great. The only thing that drove me nuts was all the great food that was served ALL DAY LONG! It is a special torture that actors experience when they have to fit in a slim, form fitting costume, and all they can eat are carrots and apple slices all day! I know, sucks to be me. 

Thanks for all the questions. It was really fun answering them, and please keep the dream alive. Dark Matter was the kind of science fiction that I loved reading when I was a kid. The kind of stories that ask real questions about life, about consciousness, and what it means to be human.

April 25, 2018: Best Comic Book Covers of the Week!

A lot of beautiful artwork this week.  These were my favorites…

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Avengers #690 (cover art by Mark Brooks)

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Babyteeth #10 (cover art by Garry Brown)

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Star Wars: Darth Vader: Dark Lord of the Sith, vol. 2 (cover art by Giuseppe Camuncoli)

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Darth Vader #15 (cover art by Elia Bonetti and Giuseppe Camuncoli)

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Doom Patrol #11 (cover art by Nick Derington)

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Insiders, vol. 7 (cover art by Renaud Garreta)

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Mother Panic: Gotham A.D. #2 (cover art by Paulina Ganucheau, Ibrahim Moustafa)

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Star Wars: Doctor Aphra #19 (cover art by Emilio Laiso)

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The Beef #3 (cover art by Ross Hell, Shaky Kane)

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The Mighty Thor #706 (cover art by Russell Dauterman)

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Wonder Woman #45 (cover art by Bryan Hitch, David Yardin)

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X-Men: Domino (cover art by Ken Lashley)

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X-O Manowar #14 (cover art by Ariel Olivetti)

 

April 24, 2018: The Five Producers You Meet In Hell!

About a year ago, I touched on one of the most inscrutable aspects of film and television production: the mysterious producer credit.  On any given movie or t.v. series, it’s fairly easy to identify the respective roles of actors, directors, writers, camera persons, and crafts service personnel – but when it comes to identifying a producer’s value-input, things get…murkier.  The truth, as I’ve stated in a previous blog entry, is that a producer’s duties can range from almost everything to absolutely nothing at all.  The title can be a distinction that accurately reflects an individual’s contribution to a particular production, or it can be little more than a vanity credit offered to placate shiftless dolts.

Most producers produce, either through the securement of financial backing, closing deals, making sales, bringing talent to the table, casting, prepping, or having an overall guiding hand in a given production.  Occasionally, however, there will be those few producers who will prove more a liability than an asset (or simply just an ass), individuals who must be humored, entertained and, most importantly, contained.  They go by varied official onscreen credits but tend to  fall under approximately five unofficial titles.

For your edification, these are The Five Producers You Meet In Hell…

The Pigeon Producer: So-called because this individual will fly in out of nowhere, often at the eleventh hour, shit all over everything, then fly away, leaving you to clean up the mess.

Dealing with the Pigeon Producer: Ensure they sign off on aspects of production early and often.  Keep a paper trail.

The Hopelessly Out-Of-Touch Producer: This individual will offer production notes and suggestions completely at odds with with the tone of your show – or the era.  Sometimes it will be a totally incongruent “funny” line of dialogue; other times, a tone deaf recommendation for our male protagonist to deliver an affection slap to his female counterpart’s ass as a means of conveying his incorrigible roguishness.

Dealing with the Hopelessly Out-Of-Touch Producer: Remain stone-faced then segue to overt embarrassment in response to all humorous suggestions.  In the case of the inappropriate proposals, gently remind them that their time machine overshot the 70’s by roughly thirty years.

The Post-Mortem Producer: Never to be found during prep or actual production, this individual will invariably appear after the fact to critique decisions made and work performed, bolstering the implicit assumption that –

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Dealing with the Post-Mortem Producer: You can argue all you want but these individual tend to be relentless in their Monday through Saturday morning quarterbacking and you run risk dying the death of a thousand cuts.  Laud their tardy acumen and move on.

The Big Idea Producer: Beware this individual with their insupportable creative visions based on dreams, a recent magazine read, or the questionable input of a close family member.  When you hear the preamble “Wouldn’t it be cool if…?”, you know it’s time to head for the door.

Kevin Smith’s infamous experience with the Big Idea Producer – Part 1 and Part 2

Dealing with the Big Idea Producer: Attempt to counter with logic.  Follow-up by dialing in other heavyweights (fellow producers, creative executives) in the hopes that the weight of communal bewilderment and the ensuing embarrassment will sink this individual’s giant spider aspirations.

The Clueless Producer: The worst of the worst, this individual enjoys the credit and power of a producer despite their shocking lack of even the most rudimentary understanding of how production works.  The Clueless Producer may, for instance, lament the time wasted on such frivolous indulgences as second unit photography, visual effects, and prep week.

Dealing with the Clueless Producer: You laugh and congratulate them on their sense of humor and discreetly move on.  If that fails to dissuade them, you may have to question their competency and, as a last recourse, their sanity.

“How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?”

– Max Bialystock, The Producers

April 23, 2018: Happy World Book Day!

Read these Fantastic 50(ish) Books and thank me later…

A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin

Affinity by Sarah Waters

Beyond Redemption by Michael R. Fletcher

Camp Concentration by Thomas M. Disch

City of Saints and Madmen by Jeff VanderMeer

City of Thieves by David Benioff

Cutter and Bone by Newton Thornburg

Dear Committee Members by Julie Schumacher

Eifelheim by Michael F. Flynn

Fear and Trembling by Amelie Nothomb

Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

Fool by Christopher Moore

Get Carter by Ted Lewis

Gone, Baby, Gone by Dennis Lehane

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

How To Behave In A Crowd by Camille Bordas

I.Q. by Joe Ide

Lexicon by Max Barry

Lord of Light by Roger Zelazny

Misery by Stephen King

Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin

Mongrels by Stephen Graham Jones

Old Man’s War by John Scalzi

Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler

Postmortal by Drew Margary

Prince of Thorns by Mark Lawrence

Shadow & Claw by Gene Wolfe

Sharpe’s Tiger by Bernard Cornwell

Stephen Florida by Gabe Habash

The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket

The Blade Itself by Joe Abercrombie

The Core of the Sun by Johanna Sinisalo

The Coroner’s Lunch by Colin Cotterill

The Dark Beyond the Stars by Frank M. Robinson

The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August by Claire North

The Friend by Sigrid Nunez

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls

The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch

by Patrick Rothfuss

The Player of Games by Iain M. Banks

The Princess Bride by William Goldman

The Regional Office is Under Attack! by Manuel Gonzales

The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion

The Scar by China Mieville

The Shadow Year by Jeffrey Ford

The Speed of Dark by Elizabeth Moon

The Troop by Nick Cutter

The Twelve Lives of Samuel Hawley by Hannah Tinti

The Winter of Frankie Machine by Don Winslow

Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris

This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper

We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves by Karen Joy Fowler

You by Caroline Kepnes

April 22, 2018: Everybody wants to work with you!

Congratulations.  You’ve just wrapped up your very first round of Hollywood meet-and-greets, sit-downs with production and broadcast executives all over town, and if there is one indisputable fact you can take away from the glorious experience it’s this: Everyone wants to work with you!

It’s true!  They said as much in their unbridled enthusiasm for you, your work, and your pitch for that zombie legal series.  They said it in their spirited suggestion that you would be perfect for some of the projects they have in development.  They said it insofar as they actually said: “We want to work with you!” and maybe even: “We want to be in the [insert your full name here] business!”.

So, in all fairness, you can be forgiven for actually believing it – you poor, deluded fool.

You go home, excitedly debrief with your agent/manager/friend/cute barista who never gets your name right (but you read somewhere that they do it on purpose to engender social media buzz, so you don’t take offense), then lie awake that night considering your mountainous prospects.  Damn, you’re going to be busy.  You might want to consider rescheduling that trip to Sugarloaf.

Or maybe not because, in truth, you’re not going to be that much busier.  On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being significantly less busy and 10 being much, MUCH busier, you’re at about a “No idea because you misplaced your scale but you’re not that surprised because that’s the way your week’s been going.”

Oh, sure.  You sent out those scripts, followed up with some emails, polite at first, then friendly and, eventually, lighthearted and humorous like a comedian’s Thursday afternoon shift at a palliative care unit.  In some cases, you may grow despondent and ask your agent to follow up for you.  This, more often than not, yields, not a response, but the addition of a whole other layer of unresponsiveness.

But in some instances, you DO receive a response.  And, in case you were curious, these are their hidden meanings:

Unfortunately, we’re already developing something similar. (Translation: I can’t be bothered to read your script as my time is better spent attending meaningless meetings).

I kicked it upstairs.  I’ll let you know when I hear anything. (Translation: I can’t be bothered to read your script, so I’m going to string things along in the hopes that you either give up and stop pursuing the matter or one of us dies).

I kicked it upstairs.  Unfortunately, they passed.  (Translation: They can’t be bothered to read your script either as their time is better spent attending meaningless meetings).

It’s not for us. (Translation: Your script was so poor and unintentionally hilarious that we held an impromptu read-thru in the lunch room.  Our new temp, Hazel, played the part of the jaguar).

It’s too similar to [established series]. (Translation: It’s too similar to the show we have in development that is a carbon copy of [established series].)

No one’s buying anthologies. (Translation: No one’s buying anthologies).

But before you pack up your laptop, dog-eared copy of Syd Field’s Screenplay, and that stack of color-coded index cards on which you’ve assiduously tracked the emotional arcs of every one of your main characters, hold up.  All hope is not lost, only a lot of your time and a small piece of your sanity, because this is just the reality of the business.  People will tell you they want to work with you because they honestly DO want to work with you – eventually, should you prove successful down the line working with someone else first.  No one wants to burn bridges.  Rather, they simply wish to invite you to cross at a later date and then sneak away under cover of darkness so that, upon your return, you discover the toll booth unmanned. It’s not a no. It’s an enthusiastic YES – somewhere in the not too distant future.

Over time, and repeated visits, you will get to know these people, form relationships with them and, should fortune smile upon you, actually work with them. Maybe you’ll develop a show for them that won’t go anywhere, or come up with a take for an adaptation that will ultimately go to some other writer.  The possibilities are truly endless.  So don’t despair and don’t give up!

But do throw away those index cards with the detailed emotional arcs.  Seriously.