Andrea Michaels's Blog - Posts Tagged "shy"
Reflections of a Successful Wallflower - Lessons in Business; Lessons in Life
Okay, so I've written a book. It's about my life and the lessons I've learned from relationships, experiences and my career. Some reviews say that it can only be compared to reading my diaries. I LOVE to tell stories. Let me tell you one about one of my deep, dark secrets. I'm a big wallflower. And that's how I came up with the title of my book.
It's ironic because people are afraid of me. That’s what I keep hearing. And it amazes me. Lurking inside this “fearsome” persona is a shy wallflower who has to force herself to talk to a stranger, enter a cocktail party and of course never EVER be present where there’s dancing. After all, no one will ever ask ME to dance. Slack-jawed wonderment or disbelief has been the reaction whenever I’ve shared this with anyone. They see aloof. I see and feel frightened and intimidated.Why?
Oh, there are SO many reasons. I was “abandoned” by my mother in my early childhood, or at least that was my perception of what happened to me. Well, that creates a feeling of worthlessness. Then a few years later my family moved to Burbank, California, a cultural desert in the 1950s where I was the outcast … more worthlessness. And then there was a family environment where I was very secondary and was to be neither seen nor heard except when appropriate … again, my perception. Being one of the only Jewish kids in Burbank, there was no one to date, so school dances were horrid for me … no one asked. I matured early (tall and buxom and dressed like a European countess by my mother) and thus was not one of the popular ones.
I learned to be an overachiever … anything to get noticed. I was the good and quiet one. But what I wanted was to be popular. I wanted a full dance card, not to sit out every dance feeling desolate and unwanted.
And so, introverted to the max, I retreated a lot into myself. Yes, I excelled in class. Yes, I had a lot of great friends. And I put on a great front. But inside I was the eternal reject. Who would want me?
That brings me to now and the title. I’ve overcome, but inside, the wallflower is very much a part of my psyche.
Have you had a similar experience? Do you feel insecure at times? Being that way made me an overachiever as I've mentioned. Share your experiences with me. Tell me how you feel about it.
It's ironic because people are afraid of me. That’s what I keep hearing. And it amazes me. Lurking inside this “fearsome” persona is a shy wallflower who has to force herself to talk to a stranger, enter a cocktail party and of course never EVER be present where there’s dancing. After all, no one will ever ask ME to dance. Slack-jawed wonderment or disbelief has been the reaction whenever I’ve shared this with anyone. They see aloof. I see and feel frightened and intimidated.Why?
Oh, there are SO many reasons. I was “abandoned” by my mother in my early childhood, or at least that was my perception of what happened to me. Well, that creates a feeling of worthlessness. Then a few years later my family moved to Burbank, California, a cultural desert in the 1950s where I was the outcast … more worthlessness. And then there was a family environment where I was very secondary and was to be neither seen nor heard except when appropriate … again, my perception. Being one of the only Jewish kids in Burbank, there was no one to date, so school dances were horrid for me … no one asked. I matured early (tall and buxom and dressed like a European countess by my mother) and thus was not one of the popular ones.
I learned to be an overachiever … anything to get noticed. I was the good and quiet one. But what I wanted was to be popular. I wanted a full dance card, not to sit out every dance feeling desolate and unwanted.
And so, introverted to the max, I retreated a lot into myself. Yes, I excelled in class. Yes, I had a lot of great friends. And I put on a great front. But inside I was the eternal reject. Who would want me?
That brings me to now and the title. I’ve overcome, but inside, the wallflower is very much a part of my psyche.
Have you had a similar experience? Do you feel insecure at times? Being that way made me an overachiever as I've mentioned. Share your experiences with me. Tell me how you feel about it.
How a Wallflower Learned to Network
I'm the ultimate wallflower. I barrel through meeting strangers most of the time. There's probably nothing that makes me more uncomfortable than walking into a room full of people I don't know. Many of my friends are great at this. I'm not. I am in terror of such situations and would rather go home (or to my hotel room) and watch Law and Order reruns. But I don't. I strike out and shake hands, introduce myself and try to engage. I've been rewarded time and again. So, it should come more easily for me now. But it doesn't.
I've come to the realization that there could be several reasons why that crowded room might not seem friendlier. Perhaps the other people in the room feel as I do and are just waiting for me to make the first move?
Maybe a different culture might consider it rude to make the first move? This came to light when I attended a conference in Goa, India. I arrived at the first welcome reception, and, of course, the only person I had previously met had not yet arrived. As I gazed around the room, I felt that old familiar oh, no, now what sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Absolutely no one made a move to greet me. They knew I was the foreign guest speaker as I was the only person in the room who wasn't Indian. So, I walked over to the closest person, offered my hand and introduced myself. Immediately the group welcomed me; we exchanged cards, and conversation was initiated as I started asking the group to help me with thoughts for my keynote the next day. I excused myself after awhile and approached other groups with the same results. Over the next days at the conference, everyone was friendly, approachable and welcoming. Relationships continued to build, and by the time I left for home (not having watched a single Law and Order episode), I had 85 new friends. It was a fantastic experience.
I had given myself permission to make the first move, not even knowing if that was right or wrong.
Think about it. How often do we need to offer permission? Please join me for dinner. May I sit next to you at the meeting? May I introduce you to some people here that I know?. These are invitations to a relationship - a hospitable extension that gives you permission to extend yourself and that gives someone else permission to join you.
With all that said, I'm still terrorized by a room of strangers, but when I think of the benefits of diving into the situation, they are infinite. Next time you're at a conference, meeting or social gathering, offer permission. I know I will.
I've come to the realization that there could be several reasons why that crowded room might not seem friendlier. Perhaps the other people in the room feel as I do and are just waiting for me to make the first move?
Maybe a different culture might consider it rude to make the first move? This came to light when I attended a conference in Goa, India. I arrived at the first welcome reception, and, of course, the only person I had previously met had not yet arrived. As I gazed around the room, I felt that old familiar oh, no, now what sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Absolutely no one made a move to greet me. They knew I was the foreign guest speaker as I was the only person in the room who wasn't Indian. So, I walked over to the closest person, offered my hand and introduced myself. Immediately the group welcomed me; we exchanged cards, and conversation was initiated as I started asking the group to help me with thoughts for my keynote the next day. I excused myself after awhile and approached other groups with the same results. Over the next days at the conference, everyone was friendly, approachable and welcoming. Relationships continued to build, and by the time I left for home (not having watched a single Law and Order episode), I had 85 new friends. It was a fantastic experience.
I had given myself permission to make the first move, not even knowing if that was right or wrong.
Think about it. How often do we need to offer permission? Please join me for dinner. May I sit next to you at the meeting? May I introduce you to some people here that I know?. These are invitations to a relationship - a hospitable extension that gives you permission to extend yourself and that gives someone else permission to join you.
With all that said, I'm still terrorized by a room of strangers, but when I think of the benefits of diving into the situation, they are infinite. Next time you're at a conference, meeting or social gathering, offer permission. I know I will.
