Andrea Michaels's Blog - Posts Tagged "insecure"
Reflections of a Successful Wallflower - Lessons in Business; Lessons in Life
Okay, so I've written a book. It's about my life and the lessons I've learned from relationships, experiences and my career. Some reviews say that it can only be compared to reading my diaries. I LOVE to tell stories. Let me tell you one about one of my deep, dark secrets. I'm a big wallflower. And that's how I came up with the title of my book.
It's ironic because people are afraid of me. That’s what I keep hearing. And it amazes me. Lurking inside this “fearsome” persona is a shy wallflower who has to force herself to talk to a stranger, enter a cocktail party and of course never EVER be present where there’s dancing. After all, no one will ever ask ME to dance. Slack-jawed wonderment or disbelief has been the reaction whenever I’ve shared this with anyone. They see aloof. I see and feel frightened and intimidated.Why?
Oh, there are SO many reasons. I was “abandoned” by my mother in my early childhood, or at least that was my perception of what happened to me. Well, that creates a feeling of worthlessness. Then a few years later my family moved to Burbank, California, a cultural desert in the 1950s where I was the outcast … more worthlessness. And then there was a family environment where I was very secondary and was to be neither seen nor heard except when appropriate … again, my perception. Being one of the only Jewish kids in Burbank, there was no one to date, so school dances were horrid for me … no one asked. I matured early (tall and buxom and dressed like a European countess by my mother) and thus was not one of the popular ones.
I learned to be an overachiever … anything to get noticed. I was the good and quiet one. But what I wanted was to be popular. I wanted a full dance card, not to sit out every dance feeling desolate and unwanted.
And so, introverted to the max, I retreated a lot into myself. Yes, I excelled in class. Yes, I had a lot of great friends. And I put on a great front. But inside I was the eternal reject. Who would want me?
That brings me to now and the title. I’ve overcome, but inside, the wallflower is very much a part of my psyche.
Have you had a similar experience? Do you feel insecure at times? Being that way made me an overachiever as I've mentioned. Share your experiences with me. Tell me how you feel about it.
It's ironic because people are afraid of me. That’s what I keep hearing. And it amazes me. Lurking inside this “fearsome” persona is a shy wallflower who has to force herself to talk to a stranger, enter a cocktail party and of course never EVER be present where there’s dancing. After all, no one will ever ask ME to dance. Slack-jawed wonderment or disbelief has been the reaction whenever I’ve shared this with anyone. They see aloof. I see and feel frightened and intimidated.Why?
Oh, there are SO many reasons. I was “abandoned” by my mother in my early childhood, or at least that was my perception of what happened to me. Well, that creates a feeling of worthlessness. Then a few years later my family moved to Burbank, California, a cultural desert in the 1950s where I was the outcast … more worthlessness. And then there was a family environment where I was very secondary and was to be neither seen nor heard except when appropriate … again, my perception. Being one of the only Jewish kids in Burbank, there was no one to date, so school dances were horrid for me … no one asked. I matured early (tall and buxom and dressed like a European countess by my mother) and thus was not one of the popular ones.
I learned to be an overachiever … anything to get noticed. I was the good and quiet one. But what I wanted was to be popular. I wanted a full dance card, not to sit out every dance feeling desolate and unwanted.
And so, introverted to the max, I retreated a lot into myself. Yes, I excelled in class. Yes, I had a lot of great friends. And I put on a great front. But inside I was the eternal reject. Who would want me?
That brings me to now and the title. I’ve overcome, but inside, the wallflower is very much a part of my psyche.
Have you had a similar experience? Do you feel insecure at times? Being that way made me an overachiever as I've mentioned. Share your experiences with me. Tell me how you feel about it.
