Michael Estrin's Blog, page 10
January 24, 2024
Episode 9: Time to face the music (league)
Hello and welcome to episode nine of the Situation Normal podcast! The podcast has the same vibe as the newsletter, but instead of reading, you listen to me tell stories to my friend Todd.
In this episode, I tell Todd about a game I love losing: Music League. Back in November, I wrote about how I love playing Music Love with friends, even though I always lose. But a funny thing happened after I published that story: I started winning! Listen to the episode to find out what the hell happened and how the season ended.
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Stick around and chat!Normally, I ask discussion questions at the end of a post. I love hearing from readers in the comments, but a podcast is a little different from a newsletter. Should I keep the comments section for the podcast, or ditch it? No wrong answers: I just want to hear what you think.
January 21, 2024
Jury duty: doing time for killing time
Hello and welcome! I’m Michael Estrin. I write Situation Normal for people who take their humor with a side of humanity and a dash of insight. (Read to the end for a picture of my writing partner, Mortimer🐶)
Business timeWhether you’re a long-time reader (thank you!) or a newcomer (welcome!), you should know that Situation Normal is free, except for the last post of the year. Situation Normal runs on my labor and the generous financial support of a handful of situation normies who love this newsletter so much that they want thousands of situation normies to be able to read it each week. If you love Situation Normal, please consider supporting the work I do here.
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OK, enough business. Time for the story…
Jury duty: doing time for killing time
I had jury duty this week. My life philosophy is this: try to make the best of every situation. But that’s impossible with jury duty. In the words of one of America’s greatest lawyers, John “Hold My Second Cousin’s Beer” Adams, “jury duty is fucked six ways to Sunday.”
OK, John Adams never said that. But Adams, who won acquittals for six of the eight British soldiers accused of participating in the Boston Massacre, later credited his legal triumph to the jury system, saying, “we entrust the rights of defendants to people who are too dumb to get out of jury duty, which is a good thing, because these schmucks will believe anything.”
(Uncomfortable fact: Adams blew a major racist dogwhistle to win his case).
Naturally, I don’t think of myself as a dumb schmuck, so when I got the jury summons, I did my homework by watching the classics of jury cinema.
12 Angry MenThis one made me nervous because I don’t like arguing with angry strangers. Also, 12 Angry Men never lets us forget that these angry strangers hold another person’s life in their hands. Talk about pressure!
Runaway JuryNow, this one was what I call a positive look at the jury system, assuming you had the foresight to rig the jury for revenge and profit. Sadly, I hadn’t done any advance work, so there weren’t any real lessons from watching Runaway Jury. That said, my verdict is that John Cusack is guilty of being fucking awesome.
Jury DutyThis one is a Pauly Shore movie, so I’m legally obligated to tell you that it’s terrible. I know everyone already knows that Pauly Shore movies, with the exception of Encino Man, suck butt, but the law is the law. Also, out of an abundance of caution, I watched this one on mute, with my eyes closed.
Reporting for my civic dutyIn Los Angeles, the walls of the jury assembly room are decorated with photos of celebrities who have done jury duty. In the San Fernando courthouse, where I was summoned to report, I saw photos of Jamie Lee Curtis and Edward James Olmos. I thought about snapping pictures of those celebrity jurors, but I didn’t want to run afoul of the court’s privacy rules.
Instead, I sat in the assembly room for hours. At first, I cursed myself for obeying the summons. Then I cursed the trickster gods of Los Angeles County who plucked my name out of the file and assigned me to purgatory in Pacoima. Then I made some notes for a one-man play called Purgatory in Pacoima. Then I imagined reviews for Purgatory in Pacoima, and silently cursed the critics who called it “unambitious,” “stale claptrap,” and “fucking dreadful.” So then I looked around the room at my fellow jurors. Why was I the only one who brought a book? Didn’t people read anymore? Didn’t they know that reading is the best way to kill time?
Was it possible to actually kill time? I stared at my watch, willing a minute to die. The minute came and went, and I imagined myself on trial for killing time. Then I looked at the pictures of Jamie Lee Curtis and Edward James Olmos. I tried to imagine my celebrity jury, but the thought of Commander Adama and the star of Halloween sitting in judgment over me made me uncomfortable, so I opened up my book and dozed off.
Murder was the case that they gaveAfter hours of napping and marinating in my own ennui, the clerk told us to report to a courtroom upstairs. But before we left the jury assembly room, the clerk pulled me aside.
“Can you bring these papers to the clerk upstairs?”
Of course I could do that, I thought, I have a fucking law degree. But what was in it for me? Extra pay? Hazard pay, on account of potential paper cuts? And what was so important about these papers? Did taking possession of them implicate me in a legal drama like the one depicted in The Paper Chase? These questions, and dozens more, raced through my mind, but I accepted the assignment without inquiry because I was bored shitless.
Upstairs, we waited in the hallway outside the courtroom. Once again, I tried to kill time, but with so many witnesses around, I decided it was best to make them my co-conspirators. Fifty of us killed sixty minutes because they needed killing. But justifiable homicide wouldn’t be our defense. No! If charged, I would plead Murder on the Orient Express, which is to say, nobody did it because everyone did it.
As it turned out, none of us were charged with murdering time. But when we finally entered the courtroom, we learned that the defendant had been charged with murdering his wife. That was some heavy shit to lay on us so late in the day, but we took the news in stride.
One woman said she couldn’t be a juror because she didn’t speak English. But her argument fell flat because she spoke to the judge, at length, in English.
Another woman said she was too busy to serve, but when asked to expand on her scheduling conflicts, she said she had “a lot of stuff going on.”
A man said he couldn’t be a juror because he found murder deeply upsetting. But the judge replied that everyone finds murder deeply upsetting, which is why it’s a crime. That comment stumped the man, who sighed and said, “yeah, you got me, I’d just rather be playing golf.”
Thankfully, there was good news for those of us looking to shirk our civic duty.
“We already have a jury,” the judge said. “We’re just looking for three alternates.”
And so, the search for alternates began.
An alternate jury of your peersUsing the paperwork I had carried upstairs, the clerk selected seven jurors at random. Those jurors were instructed to take the seats in front of the jury box. For the next thirty minutes, the judge asked them basic questions.
Are you married?
What do you do for a living?
Have you ever been a victim of a crime?
Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
Are you awake?
That last question didn’t go over well because everyone in the courtroom was asleep. But that’s why judges have gavels, which are the wooden hammers of alarm clocks.
After the judge was done asking his boring questions, he said it was time for the lawyers to ask their boring questions. But then the judge glanced at the clock.
“You know what,” he began, “I want to give the lawyers all the time they need to bore you to death, but we’re almost out of time for the day, so I’m going to ask everyone to come back tomorrow.”
Same shit, different dayObviously, I went back. I had to. They could issue a warrant for my arrest. Also, I wanted to try a horchata latte from the coffee place down the street from the courthouse. Hyped up on caffeine and sugar, I settled in to watch the lawyers ask their questions.
The public defender zeroed on the people who said they had been victims of crimes. He didn’t say so, but I could tell he was worried that they might take their trauma out on his client. But everyone said they could be fair and impartial, so after seven minutes, the public defender sat back down.
The prosecutor took even less time. She asked the panel if everyone understood the presumption of innocence. Everyone said that they did, but sensing that nobody really meant it, the prosecutor told the judge that she was satisfied.
For the next five minutes, the judge and the lawyers talked things over. Presumably, they were talking about the jurors, but as a former member of the California bar, I can assure you that they were talking about the excellent horchata lattes down the street.
Eventually, the judge and the lawyers broke things up. The judge told three unlucky jurors that they had been selected as alternates. Then he thanked the rest of us for our service and said we were excused.
We went back downstairs to turn in our badges and collect our paperwork.
“That’s it, they wasted two days of our lives for that?” a woman asked me.
Part of me wanted to tell her that we had served an important function, that our mere presence had contributed to the rule of law in this country. But even with a horchata latte coursing through my veins, I didn’t have the energy for a civic lesson.
“At least we get fifteen bucks a day, plus thirty-four cents per mile to cover the commute.”
“Fuck that shit,” she said.
How could I argue with her eloquence? I couldn’t. We had done our time for killing time.
If you’ve served jury duty, you shall share this post. It’s the law. Also, you shall share it even if you haven’t served because that’s the law too.
A funny read you should totally readalways makes me laugh. You should totally check out his hilarious piece about a very awkward open mic appearance.
Want more Michael Estrin stories? I’ve got two books!Ride/Share: Micro Stories of Soul, Wit and Wisdom from the Backseat is a collection of my Lyft driver stories🚗🗣
Not Safe for Work is a slacker noir novel based on my experiences covering the adult entertainment industry💋🍑🍆🕵️♂️
The ebook versions of my books are priced between 99 cents and $2.99, so if you don’t have the budget for a Situation Normal subscription, buying an ebook is a great way to support my work. Bonus: you’ll laugh your butt off!
Stick around and chatYou know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
Have you ever served on a jury? Tell your story!
What’s the best movie about jury duty? Warning: if you say it’s the Pauly Shore movie, I will delete your subscription.
Can time be killed? Get weird with this one.
Imagine you’re on trial for killing time. Which celebrity would you want to see on your jury? Explain.
I actually served on a jury once, and I’m planning to tell that story on my podcast. Will you listen?
Last thing…If you’re new here, make sure you’re subscribed👇
Mortimer holds down the fort while I do my civic duty
January 17, 2024
Episode 8: It's Florida, Man
Hello and welcome to episode seven of the Situation Normal podcast! The podcast has the same vibe as the newsletter, but instead of reading, you listen to me tell stories to my friend Todd.
In this episode, I tell Todd about my strange and silly encounters with real life versions of a popular internet genre: FLORIDA MAN! Stories include:
An obnoxious customer and an unwieldy burrito
Stoners pumping gas… and courting death
An indecent proposal at a red light
A magical timeshare presentation
How to listen to the Situation Normal podcast🎧Every episode of Situation Normal is available for free on Substack, or wherever you listen to podcasts. It’s your call! Be sure to follow / subscribe!
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Tell your friends about the Situation Normal podcast🗣Tell everyone about the Situation Normal podcast, even the people of Florida👇
Stick around and chat!You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
Do you love the Florida Man genre, or do you hate good internet?
Name another state that competes with Florida in the weird stories department. Explain.
I talked about four different Florida Person encounters on the podcast. Which one was your favorite?
Have you reviewed the podcast yet? Seriously, help a podcaster out, will you? It takes one minute or less.
Why are you still reading this questions? Don’t you have any friends, lovers, and mortal enemies to share the Situation Normal podcast with?
One last thing!If you’re new here, make sure you’re subscribed so that you don’t miss any of the fun👇
January 14, 2024
You can't lose if you don't play
Hello and welcome! I’m Michael Estrin. I write Situation Normal for people who take their humor with a side of humanity and a dash of insight. (Read to the end for a picture of Mortimer, plus an AI rendering of Mortimer gambling🐶)
Thank you paying subscribers!Big shout outs to the newest paying subscribers at Situation Normal! Thank you , who could’ve blown his money on scratchers, but instead bet on a sure thing: the joy of supporting Situation Normal! Thank you for making me feel like a winner by upgrading to a paid subscription!
Situation Normal is free (except for the last post of the year). The generous financial support from some situation normies helps me bring joy to thousands of situation normies. I think that’s wonderful! Please consider upgrading.
It takes 60 seconds to support Situation Normal
Or, if PayPal is your thing, send any amount here, and I’ll add you to the list!
OK, enough business. Time for the story👇
You can't lose if you don't playThe day after Christmas, Christina and I drove from her sister’s house in Spring Hill, Florida to the airport in Tampa. We were flying home to Los Angeles, but first we needed to take care of some business. So, I pulled into a Wawa gas station, where I saw two men tempting fate by smoking a joint while refueling their pickup truck. I parked our car beyond what I thought might be the blast zone, just in case the Florida Men opted for a real high octane experience.
“Do you want anything?” I asked Christina.
“Just our winnings, babe.”
Our “winnings” were the lottery scratchers that Christina’s mom had put in our Christmas stockings. The face value of those scratchers had been $20, but after we scratched ‘em, the actual value tumbled to $12. That felt more like losings to me, but I persevered. I held my head up high, stuck out my chest, and told myself that I was a winner as I went inside the Wawa to collect our twelve bucks.
Inside, I gave the cashier our scratchers. I was little nervous because I’m not a gambler, unless you count my decision to visit a Wawa where the other customers think it’s a good idea to pair gasoline with an open flame.
“What do you want?” the cashier asked.
The question caught me off guard. Was there some sort of gambler’s code I needed to use? Were the scratchers legit? Had I made a scratcher faux pas?
“Um… money?”
“You mean cash?”
I thought about asking for crypto, but that felt too 2022.
“Most people take their winnings in scratchers,” he explained.
“Oh, gotcha. I don’t really play.”
The cashier raised an eyebrow as he opened the register.
“They were stocking stuffers,” I explained. “For Christmas.”
The cashier handed me a ten and two singles.
“You can’t lose, if you don’t play,” he said.
When I stepped outside, I was relieved to see that the stoners weren’t engulfed in flames. But those particular Florida Men were the least of my concerns. As we drove to the airport, and for our entire flight home, I couldn’t stop thinking about another Florida Man, the Wawa cashier, who sold scratchers, cigarettes, and snacks, but dispensed wisdom for free.
You can’t lose, if you don’t play
Before my grandfather died, he told my father that California would have a lottery someday. My grandfather gave my father some numbers to play, just in case his prediction about the lottery came true. As it turned out, grandpa didn’t live long enough to see California start a lottery, but my father lived long enough to play the numbers bequeathed to him for decades.
Once or twice, I remember my dad wining big—a few hundred bucks. But mostly he’d lose a few bucks, or rarely, win a few bucks. It didn’t really matter, though. Dad always rolled his winnings (and losings) back into his lottery fund.
“In the grand scheme of things, I’ve come out ahead,” Dad told me once.
I never checked the receipts on that claim, but I doubt that my father made money from his weekly lottery habit. I think it was just something to do—an amusement that made every trip to the gas station more exciting, an inchoate fortune to fuel the kinds of dreams that are too silly to share with other people.
Gambling makes me nervous, so I never picked up Dad’s low-stakes lottery habit. When he died, the numbers his father gave him—numbers that were so lucky they materialized before the advent of California’s lottery—went with my father to his grave. The only time I play any kind of lottery is Christmas.
As a Jew, the rituals of Christmas, when my people eat Chinese food and go to the movies, escape me. I understand the Christmas basics: the tree, the presents, family time. But I find other aspects of Christmas confusing. Why do some families open presents on Christmas Eve, while others insist on Christmas Day? Why do some families eat ham, while other families eat turkey, but Italian American families seem to eat ham and turkey and all these awesome Italian dishes, like gravy, which is actually what non-Italians call sauce? And what’s the deal with Mistletoe and kissing? It’s creepy, right?
But the thing that really baffles me about Christmas are the stocking stuffers. Under the tree, there are the big presents. Awesome! But there are also little presents stuffed inside of stockings, which worries me, because I can’t help but think that there are thousands of sock-less Santas haunting America’s malls on Christmas. Also, how are the little presents supposed to compete with the big presents? Those big presents made it onto the list—the one that was so important it was checked twice! But the stocking stuffers? No list for them. To me, stocking stuffers feel like an unnecessary after thought.
“It’s a hat on a hat,” I complained to Christina. “After we finish opening the real presents, we’re going to open the other presents? That’s weird.”
Christina called me a Grinch. Maybe that was fair. Or, maybe I just had notes. I’m not sure, because like I said, I’m a Christmas neophyte. But I couldn’t stop thinking about stocking stuffers, even after we got home. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my beef wasn’t with Christmas, or even stocking stuffers, it was with the scratchers.
“Is this normal?” I asked on New Year’s Eve. “Do other families put scratchers in stocking stuffers?”
“I think so,” Christina said.
“And your family has always done this?”
“I dunno. I don’t think we did it when I was a kid.”
“Your grandparents never gave you scratchers?”
“I don’t think so. What about your grandparents?”
“For birthdays and Hanukkah, we got silver dollars or two-dollar bills.”
Christina smiled. Her grandparents had also given her silver dollars and two-dollar bills back in the day, because that’s what grandparents did in the 1980s. That was normal. If you were a grandparent in the 1980s, it meant that you probably lived through The Great Depression, which wasn’t actually great, but it was depressing. Throughout the 1930s, rich people were downgraded to middle class people, middle class people were downgraded to poor people, and poor people were forced to stand in long lines for soup that was served in dust bowls, but there was no soup, just a film crew to document the misery. Like I said, it was depressing.
And tough!
Very tough.
So tough that everyone walked ten miles in the snow searching for a better cliche.
The thing that made life so tough back then was that money was scarce. But that made everyone who lived through the Great Depression frugal as fuck.
“Our grandparents wouldn’t stand for this shit,” I told Christina. “You know what a silver dollar is worth today?”
“A dollar?”
“Exactly! And what about a two-dollar bill?”
“Two dollars?”
“Right again! Maybe our grandparents didn’t know how to make a dollar and cent in this world, but they sure as shit understood value.”
“So you’re anti-scratcher?”
“Big time, baby. Because what is a scratcher?”
Christina shrugged.
“It’s a lie. You give them a buck, they give you a piece of paper. You scratch off the foil, make a mess, next thing you know you’re holding a worthless piece of paper.”
“Not necessarily,” Christina protested. “You could be a winner.”
“But we always lose. Everyone always loses.”
“We won twelve bucks.”
“We started with twenty! We lost eight dollars, and all we had to show for it were foil crumbs and worthless tickets. It’s basically cash for trash.”
“Cash for trash is a good slogan,” Christina said. “Not for the lottery, but for something… maybe a dump!”
“The dump doesn’t pay you, you pay the dump. That’s how that shit works. But the lottery has everyone fooled. We’re running around exchanging actual money for trash.”
“I think it funds the schools,” Christina said.
“But everyone says the schools are underfunded and terrible. So now what we have is a bunch of people paying cash for trash to fund the schools? It’s a mess. If my grandparents saw this, there’d be hell to pay. What do you mean you pay for schools by buying trash, Michael, that sounds meshuga. Also, you are so fortunate to live in a world where bowls aren’t made of dust.”
“Well, maybe you’ve got a point,” Christina said. “It does seem like silver dollars and two-dollar bills make more financial sense.”
I was right! I felt good. I felt vindicated. I felt seen. Next Christmas, I vowed, I would put a stop to this lottery madness.
“You can’t tell my mom,” Christina warned.
“Why not? She’s the one who buys the scratchers. I’ll be doing her a favor. Her stocking stuffers are about to get a lot more valuable.”
“Yeah, but it’s not about that. It’s about the fun of maybe winning.”
“Even if you know you will always lose?”
“Yes.”
“If you don’t play, you can’t lose,” I sighed.
“Now that is a good slogan! Although not for the lottery, obviously.”
“It’s not mine. I got it at Wawa.”
Christina gave me a quizzical look.
“The gas station where we stopped to cash in our losings before our flight,” I explained. “You know, where we saw two lucky Florida Men.”
“Someone won the lottery!?”
“No, everyone loses the lottery. Haven’t you been listening? I’m talking about the two guys smoking a joint while pumping gas. They’re lucky to be alive.”
Play it safe by sharing this post with everyone you know👇
Stick around and chat!You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
Do you play the lottery, or are you a winner? Tell your story!
Why silver dollars and two dollar bills? Explain!
The lottery needs a new slogan. Any ideas?
Why didn’t the Florida Men who were smoking dope while pumping gas burst into flames? Wrong answers only!
Next Christmas is more than 350 days away, but I need ideas for stocking stuffers. What’ve you got for me?
Something very cool!invited me to take the Beyond Questionnaire, and I accepted! Check out the answers from yours truly right here👇
Beyond with Jane RatcliffeLike The Dude, I AbideWelcome to another edition of The Body, Brain, & Books. If you enjoy reading these quick, insightful interviews brimming with wisdom and hope, please subscribe to Beyond! Michael Estrin writes and tells stories from his life that are funny, heartfelt, vulnerable, and sometimes even profound. His essays have appeared in Vox, Narratively, and Tablet. His journalism has …Read more7 days ago · 59 likes · 43 comments · Jane RatcliffeWant more Michael Estrin stories? I’ve got two books!Ride/Share: Micro Stories of Soul, Wit and Wisdom from the Backseat is a collection of my Lyft driver stories🚗🗣
Not Safe for Work is a slacker noir novel based on my experiences covering the adult entertainment industry💋🍑🍆🕵️♂️
The ebook versions of my books are priced between 99 cents and $2.99, so if you don’t have the budget for a Situation Normal subscription, buying an ebook is a great way to support my work. Bonus: you’ll laugh your butt off!
Last thing…If you’re new here, make sure you sign up for Situation Normal so you don’t miss any of the fun👇
I asked the AI to make a picture of Mortimer playing the scratchers, and this is the result. Thoughts?
January 10, 2024
Episode 7: Economics of a funny side hustle
Hello and welcome to episode seven of the Situation Normal podcast! The podcast has the same vibe as the newsletter, but instead of reading, you listen to me tell stories to my friend Todd.
In this episode, I tell Todd about the first time I got paid for my creative writing. Here’s a hint: that story involves lawyers, new media companies, and a children’s book parody. After the story, we talk about the economics of writing a best-selling humor Substack and how creative people ought to think about their own happiness and fulfillment as those things relate to careers, side hustles, and hobbies. For reference, we talk a lot about this post I wrote called “What’s the deal with Substackanomics?”
How to listen to the Situation Normal podcast🎧Every episode of Situation Normal is available for free on Substack, or wherever you listen to podcasts. It’s your call! Be sure to follow / subscribe!
Rate and review this podcast⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️Please help more people discover Situation Normal by rating and reviewing this podcast! It takes 30 seconds, and it REALLY HELPS ME. Go here🙏
Tell your friends about the Situation Normal podcast🗣Seriously, don’t keep the Situation Normal podcast a secret
Support the podcast (and the newsletter)The podcast is free, the stories on Situation Normal are free, but people pay because they love Situation Normal and they want to support my work. If that sounds like you, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription🙏
Stick around and chat!You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
If you’re a creative writer, is writing your full-time career, side hustle, or hobby? No judgement!
If you’re a creative writer, are you happy with your full-time career, side hustle, or hobby? Or, is the grass in one of the other categories greener? Explain!
If you aren’t a creative writer, how did you manage to live such a charmed life? Dish!
Have you reviewed the podcast yet? Seriously, help a podcaster out, will you? It takes one minute or less.
Why are you still reading this questions? Don’t you have any friends, lovers, and mortal enemies to share the Situation Normal podcast with?
January 7, 2024
24 Predictions for 2024
Hello and welcome! I’m Michael Estrin. I write Situation Normal for people who take their humor with a side of humanity and a dash of insight. (Read to the end for a picture of Mortimer, the hardest working dog in the newsletter game🐶)
FIRST, a big THANK YOU to the newest paid subscribers at Situation Normal! Thank you to Wade, who signed up for annual subscription and wrote me a lovely private message! Thank you Jason, who’s taking things month-to-month. Thank you to ! sent a note with their subscription that read: “You make me laugh! Thank you!” But honestly, you’ve got it backwards, LA Bourgeois, THANK YOU! Finally, thank you to for subscribing!
Situation Normal is free (except for the last post of the year). The generous financial support from some situation normies helps me bring joy to thousands of situation normies. I think that’s wonderful! If you can, please consider subscribing👇
It takes 60 seconds to support Situation Normal
Or, if PayPal is your thing, send any amount here, and I’ll put you on the paid list.
OK, enough money-talk. Time to predict the future!
24 predictions for 2024During the final yoga class of 2023, our teacher encouraged us to set an intention. I intended to eat a breakfast burrito after class, but somehow I knew that wasn’t what the yoga teacher meant. So I went with a different intention—to close out the year on a strong note.
And I did!
I was yoga-strong.
Then, I was burrito-strong.
And when I returned home, I saw that I was prediction-strong.
You see, while I was busy getting my yoga on and then my burrito on, a few situation normies were reading my 23 predictions for 2023. Like all good Nostradamus impersonators, I began that post by covering my own ass with the usual boilerplate warnings:
Predictions should only be used for entertainment purposes.
Don’t bet money on this stuff.
Don’t even think about making important life decisions based on some “predictions” a funny writer literally figuratively pulled out of his butt.
Well, here’s the thing. We should’ve taken those predictions to a Las Vegas casino, because if we had bet on my predictions, we’d all be trillionaires.
I’m not kidding.
All but one of my 2023 predictions came true.
Let me rephrase that: I can see the future, people!
That’s why I’m not dicking around with the usual boilerplate warnings this year. You want to read this for entertainment purposes only, be my guest. But if you want to bet on this stuff, well, I hope you like money, because it’s gonna rain money on you forever.
These things will happen, mark my words👇You’ll recycle, but you’ll continue to draw the line at reducing and reusing.
You’ll put way too much cream cheese on a bagel, and it’ll be worth it.
After enjoying dozens of episodes of the Situation Normal podcast, you’ll finally remember to rate and review it.
You’ll go to IKEA for some dish towels, but leave with a new living room set.
The price of your streaming services will go up. You’ll rage-cancel, then after a few days without those streaming services, you’ll renew at higher prices.
You’ll vote, but only because you want the sticker.
No matter which mapping app you use, you’ll find yourself trying to make an impossible lefthand turn onto a busy street, without the aid of a traffic light.
You’ll receive more spam phone calls than real phone calls.
No matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to keep up with the Kardashians.
Your printer will jam.
Despite widespread grumbling, Congress won’t even hold a hearing about reversing the day light savings policy.
Someone will cut you off. You’ll honk, maybe even flip them the bird, but they’ll continue driving like a total asshole.
Even though we fought a revolution to cast off the yoke of monarchy, Burger King will remain popular with Americans.
A stranger will knock on your door to sell you solar, but you’ll pass because a door-to-door salesperson is a huge red flag in the 21st century.
Widespread speculation about AI taking your job will continue, but at no point will any of the tech bros who preach the gospel of disruption pitch an AI to replace CEOs.
You’ll continue to receive notifications that your friends are on Threads, but when you finally check you’ll see that they only signed up because they heard you were on Threads.
There will be another Star Wars show and the internet will have strong feelings about it.
Your friend who touts that virtues of a Paleo diet will fall off the wagon into a platter of nachos.
You’ll sneeze, someone will say “bless you,” but they won’t really mean it.
After a rough day, you will seek comfort from a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich, and that will basically do the trick.
An important message will contain an ambiguous emoji, but you won’t text—or god forbid call—to clarify because that would be weird.
You’ll misplace your keys, but after a long, frustrating search you’ll find them in an obvious place—your pocket.
You’ll ask for Coke, but your waiter will tell you that they only carry Pepsi products, and you’ll be fine with that.
Don’t hog the future! Share these predictions with everyone you know👇
Stick around and chat!You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
Am I the modern answer to Nostradamus? If so, is there any money in that? Explain!
How many of my predictions will come true? Place your bets!
Number twenty-three is blank, but I predict you’ll have have a prediction for 2024. Share!
Why do printers always jam, and when will someone train an AI to fix printer jams? Share your answers (and your printer horror stories)!
Coke and Pepsi are the same thing, right? Drop some soda knowledge!
Can YOU ask ME a question?Yes, please do! I love hearing from Situation Normal readers. Ask me (almost) anything, and I’ll answer your question in a future issue of Situation Normal.
Email me at michaelestrin@substack.com
Want more Michael Estrin stories? I’ve got two books!Ride/Share: Micro Stories of Soul, Wit and Wisdom from the Backseat is a collection of my Lyft driver stories🚗🗣
Not Safe for Work is a slacker noir novel based on my experiences covering the adult entertainment industry💋🍑🍆🕵️♂️
The ebook versions of my books are priced between 99 cents and $2.99, so if you don’t have the budget for a Situation Normal subscription, buying an ebook is a great way to support my work. Bonus: you’ll laugh your butt off!
Last thing…If you’re new here, make sure you sign up for Situation Normal so you don’t miss any of the fun in 2024👇
January 3, 2024
Episode 6: That time I was in the Rose Parade
Hello and welcome to episode six of the Situation Normal podcast! The podcast has the same vibe as the newsletter, but instead of reading, you listen to me tell stories to my friend Todd.
In this episode, I tell Todd about the time I rode inside of a Rose Parade float. Spoiler alert: I didn’t love it, but my dad had a blast. We also talk about my father’s contributions to parade entertainment, the origins of the Rose Parade, and why going with the flow when things don’t go according to plan might just be the secret to finding joy.
How to listen to the Situation Normal podcast🎧Every episode of Situation Normal is available for free on Substack, or wherever you listen to podcasts. It’s your call! Be sure to follow / subscribe!
Rate and review this podcast⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️Please help more people discover Situation Normal by rating and reviewing this podcast! It takes 30 seconds, and it REALLY HELPS ME. Go here🙏
Tell your friends about the Situation Normal podcast🗣Tell your friends👇
Support the podcast (and the newsletter)The podcast is free, the stories on Situation Normal are free, but people pay because they love Situation Normal and they want to support my work. If that sounds like you, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription🙏
Stick around and chat!You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
Did you watch the Rose Parade this year? What was your favorite float?
Have you ever been in a parade? Tell your story!
What did you do on New Year’s Day? Dish!
December 31, 2023
Situation Normal Stakeholder Report
Welcome to the first annual Situation Normal Stakeholder Report! I’m Michael Estrin. I write Situation Normal, which is why I hired me to write this newsletter’s first annual stakeholder report.
A note about the word “annual.” It implies that there will be another report in 2024. Personally, I hope so! But who knows what will happen in 2024? There could be a zombie apocalypse. Or a non-zombie apocalypse. I’m pretty sure both scenarios would disrupt Situation Normal operations. Ditto for an alien invasion, unless of course, the aliens are situation normies, in which case this Earth-based humor newsletter will have achieved what every comedy writer wants: a universal joke. But we’re getting lost in the sauce. The points are these:
December 27, 2023
Episode 5: What were your 2023 wins?
Hello and welcome to episode five of the Situation Normal podcast! The podcast has the same vibe as the newsletter, but instead of reading, you listen to me tell stories to my friend Todd.
In this episode, I tell Todd about my 2023 wins and how my tradition of recording my wins began. Along the way, we talk about drugs and butt stuff, medieval relics, yoga, the key to a happy marriage, and the joy of podcasting with one of your best friends.
How to listen to the Situation Normal podcast🎧Every episode of Situation Normal is available for free on Substack, or wherever you listen to podcasts. It’s your call! Be sure to follow / subscribe!
Rate and review this podcast⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️Please help more people discover Situation Normal by rating and reviewing this podcast! It takes 30 seconds, and it REALLY HELPS ME. Go here🙏
Tell your friends about the Situation Normal podcast🗣The best way to win is to share this podcast👇
Support the podcast (and the newsletter)The podcast is free, the stories on Situation Normal are free, but people pay because they love Situation Normal and they want to support my work. If that sounds like you, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription🙏
Stick around and chat💬Just one question for you: What were your wins in 2023?
December 24, 2023
2023 for the Wins
Hello and welcome! I’m Michael Estrin. I write Situation Normal for people who take their humor with a side of humanity and a dash of insight. Be sure to read to the end for a picture of Mortimer, the hardest working dog in the newsletter game🐶
Before we start, a big situation normie shout out & thank you to our newest paid subscribers. Thank you, ! Thank you, ! And thank you, , who included a wonderful private note!
Situation Normal is free (except for the last post of the year). The generous financial support from 100-plus situation normies helps me bring joy to more than four thousand situation normies. I think that’s wonderful! If you love Situation Normal and want to support my work, please consider upgrading👇
It only takes 60 seconds to 💙 Situation Normal
Or, if PayPal is your thing, send any amount here. I’ll add you to the list so you receive the first annual Situation Normal Stakeholder Report at the end of the year.
OK, that’s enough money talk. Now, it’s time to talk about some wins!
I started Situation Normal in 2020. That was a rough year. In fact, Year In Review Magazine rated 2020 the roughest year since 1918, a year experts consider to be a “real motherfucker.”
Between the pandemic, America’s anxiety-inducing interregnum, my seasonal depression, and my non-seasonal depression, I was not feeling good. Actually, I was feeling lousy.
But in the home office adjacent to mine, a brilliant and beautiful woman was celebrating her wins. At first, I thought she had lost her mind. Winning in 2020, you must be joking? But as I eavesdropped on Christina, I realized she wasn’t joking. She was serious about her wins, and she was adamant that each member of her team share and celebrate their wins too.
That night, I made Christina dinner. As we ate, I asked about all this winning. When I told her that I didn’t have any 2020 wins, she told me to rethink that statement. Here’s what Christina told me:
Write your wins down. Otherwise, you won’t see them, and they won’t be real.
Honestly, I didn’t believe Christina at the time. I didn’t think I had any wins. Also, writing stuff like that down felt like a gratitude journal. Gratitude journals are great! Really great. But they’re also one of those great things that woo-woo influencers co-opt for their bullshit machines.
But on the other hand, I thought, why should the woo-woo influencers have a monopoly on good things? Who cares if a bullshit artist happens to be right about something? Aren’t broken clocks right twice a day? Also, this wasn’t advice from a woo-woo influencer, this was advice from my wife, who is smart and beautiful, and let’s be honest here, the kind of person who wins a lot.
So, I tried it. I wrote down my wins for 2020 and published them on Situation Normal. Turns out, I had wins that year. Also, writing them down made them feel real. And best of all, I felt better!
Which brings me to an annual tradition here at Situation Normal. I’m celebrating my wins. Here’s why:
Because Christina was right, naturally
Because celebrating your wins and writing them down makes them real
Because real wins can lift your spirits
2023 for the Wins…
I became a yogiThe first time I did yoga was with my friend Stacey at the North Hollywood YMCA (near the In-N-Out Burger on Radford). That was 2005, I think. I liked it, but I struggled to make yoga into a regular practice. For the next eighteen years, I was a faux yogi (fogi?). I’d tell people I did yoga, which was technically true, if doing yoga means doing it three or four times a year.
Whenever I did yoga, I’d buy a single class. Talk about commitment issues, right? But this year I wanted to make yoga a regular practice, so I did something I’d never done before. I bought a 20-pack of yoga classes. I figured that if I finished the pack by the end of year, I’d be a yogi. Because anyone who does yoga, roughly, twice a month is a yogi, right?
Well, guess what? I’m on my third 20-pack of yoga classes. I think that makes me an official yogi—whatever that means. Yoga gives me strength—physical, mental, and spiritual. But it also gives me stories, like this one about my dad bod👇
My colon is healthy!It’s a strange win, I know, but getting your colon checked is important. As a middle-aged dude, I’ve been dreading a colonoscopy for two decades. But I got it done! And I even wrote a review👇
We rediscovered a relic from Medieval TimesWhen the world shut down in 2020, Christina left a bunch of stuff in her office. At some point in the middle of the pandemic, the studio she worked for opened a new building on the lot. Christina’s team was assigned to the new building, but at the time they were still working from home, so nothing really changed.
“I guess I’m never getting the stuff I left on my desk back,” Christina said.
But a few months ago, Christina started a new job at a different studio. One of her former coworkers had also taken a job at the new studio, and he had a surprise for her.
“I grabbed that photo of your nephews,” he said, before returning it to her.
The photo was from 2017. It was taken when we took our three nephews to Medieval Times. In other words, the photo was a relic from Medieval Times™ in Kissimmee, Florida.
I earned a bestseller badge on SubstackMixed feelings on this one. On the one hand, I stand by my comment when Substack rolled out badges: “we don’t need no stinkin’ badges.” On the other hand, a badge is just a symbol that means 100-plus situation normies have agreed to help underwrite joy for thousands of situation normies. I can live with that, and celebrate it it too.
I was featured on Substack ReadsIt’s nice when someone else recognizes your work. It’s even better when that recognition leads new people to your work. If you came to Situation Normal from Substack Reads, I’m so glad you’re here!
I joined a writing groupI’ve been in a few writing groups over the course of my career. Some were OK, others were drama-fueled disaster machines. But this year, I joined a wonderful writing group with three other Substack writers: , , and . For the first time in a twenty-year writing career, writing feels a lot less lonely. Thank you, Alex, Anne, and Jane!
Our vet declared Mortimer “healthy as fuck”OK, our vet didn’t actually put the words “healthy as fuck” in Mortimer’s file, but she did say, “If I didn’t know that he was thirteen, I’d estimate that he was eight, or maybe nine years old.” Clearly, Christina and I are great dog-parents.
Mortimer: “Thirteen is the new eight.”Thanksgiving with familyThis year, my sister, Allison, her partner, Craig, and my mom, all came to Los Angeles for Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving, but we don’t always get to celebrate together, so this one was a huge win. Plus, we didn’t finish the eggnog that Craig bought, so my post-Thanksgiving overnight oats were next-level. Double win!
I quit Twitter!I have a hate-hate relationship with social media, but quitting the game isn’t as easy as it sounds. For one thing, that shit is addictive. For another thing, it’s very difficult to get any attention for anything cool you’re doing, without a presence on social media. But Twitter bummed me out, and after years of being bummed out, I burnt the bird app to the ground.
It felt weird at first, but then it felt good, and now it feels great. Ten out of ten would recommend this win for everyone.
We celebrated our 12th anniversaryMarrying Christina was easily the best decision I ever made. Just as important, Christina says marrying me was the best decision she ever made. Double win! This year, we celebrated the 12th anniversary of the best decision we ever made.
My catalytic convertor saga is over (I think)As many of you know, my catalytic convertor was stolen twice in one year. It made for some real drama in my life and some real comedy here at Situation Normal. Thankfully, I think that drama / comedy came to an end in July because I haven’t had any issues since I posted the final catalytic convertor story.
One situation normie read DoppelgängerDoppelgänger by Naomi Klein really inspired me. I wrote an essay inspired by Klein’s book, and I talked about it on my podcast, where I shared some doppelgänger stories. That was all cool, but then something really cool happened. A situation normie read Klein’s book, then tagged me in a Note about it. As an author, I know that the only thing harder than getting someone to buy a book is getting them to read it, so this was a huge win!
I started a podcast!You read that right, but did you hear it? I plan to say more about all of these wins on—wait for it—my podcast. You can listen on Substack, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Stick around and chat!Normally, I have five questions for you. But today, I only have one.
What were your 2023 wins? Be bold, share!
Mortimer for the win!
Mortimer’s big 2023 win was buying a dog bed that fits like a glove!Thank you for reading Situation Normal! This post is public so feel free to share it.
