Michelle Gordon's Blog, page 11

Let It Go!

I know you just started singing the song from Frozen…. hehe

But honestly, it’s time to let go. Of the old stories, of the past, of the pain, of the grief, of everything that is stopping you from shining and loving and enjoying your life! I have discovered recently, much to my utter embarrassment, that I am a total Drama Llama! I love the drama! I love the stories! The dramatic, tragic, terrible stories are the best for retelling over and over! And I have so many! (yes there is an overuse of exclamation marks already, it’s the Drama Llama in me, sorry)

Let go.

It’s my main message to myself and to my friends right now. Let of having to control everything. Of having to be perfect, of having to do everything right, of having to please everyone. Of being a Drama Llama!

Let go.

We are choosing to hold on, to repeat old patterns, to remain stuck.

Let go.

Time to create new patterns, new neural pathways (yup getting fancy now) new habits and a new way of life.

This is a short post, because really, there’s only so many times you can repeat ‘Let go’ before it gets annoying. So I will leave you with this quote photo, the quote is from my upcoming book, the 7th one in the Earth Angel Series, which is due out this winter!

Underwhelmed and Overwhelmed

I have so many blog posts I want to write. I have a huge list of books I want to write. I have craft projects I desperately want to dive into. I have online classes to create. I have books I want to read, movies I want to see, projects I want to work on, friends I want to visit, places I want to explore, and so much I want to discover.

It’s overwhelming. Just my to-do list alone is a mind map of madness. Just picking one thing and getting it done is difficult. The only reason I’m getting this blog post written is because it’s nearly midnight and I’m doing the 30 day blog challenge and I want to win it! But otherwise, choosing a task, then seeing it through, is overwhelming. What to choose first? I often ending up choosing the easy stuff, the fun stuff, but that doesn’t always really get me anywhere.

While visiting New York City this summer on my book tour, we saw a lot of awesome street art, but though this was one of the simplest ones, it struck a chord:

Right now, that is exactly where I am. As overwhelmed as I am with what I want to do, I am equally as underwhelmed with the motivation to do it! It’s not because I’m not doing things I love, because I am. It’s not because I don’t want to do these things, because I do. But sometimes, I just want to stay in bed and do absolutely nothing, because I haven’t got the oomph to give anything my all. But despite being an adult who could actually stay in bed all day and no one would tell me off or tell me I couldn’t, I instead get up and keep going, keep chipping away at the endless to-do list, and getting stuff done.

But sometimes, a period of non-action and non-doing is exactly what is needed. To retreat from the world, go within, and have a deep rest. Without feeling guilty or lazy!

I often wait until I am ill or injured before I allow myself to chill out and relax, and it’s quite ridiculous. In fact, I trapped a nerve in my back yesterday, and was in a lot of pain. Did I stop? Nope! It’s been better today, but incredibly sore, but I still haven’t stopped. Even with little motivation to get things done, I haven’t stopped.

I have no idea what the point of this blog post is, not really sure where I got the idea that every blog post had to have a point, actually. I guess I just wanted to say, if you feel overwhelmed by everything you need to do, and underwhelmed with the motivation to do it – you’re not alone. Cut yourself some slack. If you want to stay in bed for a day, go ahead and do it! Don’t wait until you’re hurting or ill to allow yourself to rest.

On that note, time to sleep.

Enjoy Every Day

Today did not go at all the way I expected it to.

It was a million times more interesting, fun and happy!

I had some boring things on my list to get done, which involved a trip into Cardiff. Once those things were taken care of, I decided to buy some snacks and bottles of water to give out to a few homeless people, in the hopes it might brighten their day a little. Then I went to check out the awesome graphics in St David’s Shopping Centre that my very talented sister, Liz, created.

 

 

 

When I got back, I heard that an old friend needed some photos taken at her concert this evening, and so instead of staring at my laptop all evening, I decided to go and take some pictures and videos. I was blown away by the music, she really had put a lot of energy into organising the concert, and was not only conducting the choir and orchestra, but was also playing the harp for several numbers as well! I was really impressed with her confidence and her talent, and was really glad that I went along! A school friend was also in the orchestra, and it was great to see her after so many years!

After the concert, I got some chips and drove down to a beach I spent a lot of time on as a teenager. I sat and ate in the car, then went outside, and stood in the full force of the sea breeze. It felt like I let everything go in that moment, and opened the door to a fresh start, a new beginning.

Today was filled with lots of little magical moments, funny moments, awe-inspiring moments, and beautiful moments. And I realised that every single day could be this way, if I just go with the flow, stay open to last-minute plans, take every opportunity to help others in any way I can, and simply enjoy myself.

In numerological terms, today’s date is 9.9.9. And with 9 being a number of completion, it feels as though it is the perfect day to say good-bye to old ways, old habits, old thinking and an old life. Tomorrow, is a brand new adventure. And I intend to enjoy every moment of it.

Famous Banana Pancake Recipe

I warned you I would start posting recipes, didn’t I? Well, this is a special recipe, because I’m quite famous for it! It’s ludicrously simple and incredibly yummy, and is gluten-free and vegan too!

To make it a tiny bit more interesting, I have done it as a photo recipe. Enjoy! (let me know if you try it and love it!) It make about 3 small pancakes. I have a tiny one-egg frying pan which is perfect

The Art of Procrastination

Obviously, this blog post is inspired by the fact that I have been procrastinating on writing this post today. It’s 11.10pm, and though I have seen a friend, run a few errands and done a few bits of work, I have been avoiding writing my blog. Not for a lack of topics (I still have so much to write about the tour, and a whole host of other random things lined up) but for the lack of flow.

What do I mean by that? I mean that when I write, I need to be in the flow, and allow the words to come through me. When I think too much about what to write or how to word something, it just doesn’t work. It feels like I’m fighting with the white page to put marks on it that make sense.

When I’m in the flow, I can knock out a blog post in less than 20 mins. When I’m in the flow I’ve even been known to write a novel in two weeks. But today, has been a no flow. In fact, this has taken me 20 minutes to write so far, because I have been watching the last but one Harry Potter movie instead of concentrating.

So is it better to force the creativity when it isn’t flowing freely? Or is it better to procrastinate and do something else? There are so many schools of thought on this. Some say that you have to be disciplined, and write, or create, or practice every day, regardless of whether you want to or feel inspired. And there are others that say to only create when you feel the urge, the pull the passionate inspiration to.

I’m more in the latter group, usually, but interestingly, even when I force myself to write something, or make myself stick to a schedule, then sometimes, magic does actually happen, even when I’m not in the mood. The only reason I am writing this, even though I don’t feel like it’s flowing, is because I accepted the challenge of writing a blog post a day for 30 days, and I don’t want to let down my friend, Tiffany, who is doing the challenge with me.

But perhaps, someone will read this ramble and realise that they too, only create when in the flow, and that it’s perfectly fine to be that way. But also, it’s good to push ourselves to do things we wouldn’t normally do, because something magical might become of it.

I’m going to stop there, just in case this really is boring. If it is, I apologise, but this is what happens when I’m not in the flow. Next time, I’ll post a recipe! I posted a few recipes during my last 30 day blog challenge, and madly enough, they were the most popular posts! It’s a funny old world…

I was trying to add words to this image, to illustrate the flowing words versus the forced words, and couldn’t come up with anything, so I have just posted the picture instead… apologies for the lack of inspiration today, hope to be back on form tomorrow!

I Hate Learning

I was wasting time in WHSmith the other day, before catching a train, and after perusing the book section (must admit, I look mainly to see what’s is popular on the covers, sad, I know) I moved onto the magazine rack. I saw lots of magazines on cameras, and there was one specifically for Nikon, to teach you how to use your DSLR properly. I thought to myself – that would be a good idea, I would like to know how to use it properly, not just fiddle about with the settings until it looks about right.

Then immediately after that thought, came another one that went along the lines of – How boring to learn how to use my camera from a magazine.

The thought made me stop for a moment, and I realised that yes, if I had bought the magazine, I would probably never read it, and it wouldn’t help me use my camera better. Because actually, I hate learning.

I hated school. I hated reading books of facts or history or data. I tried to go to university. Twice. I hated it. I hate reading lengthy articles, and the only non-fiction I read is generally self-help or spiritual or metaphysical, and even then, if it’s a bit dry or dull, I won’t finish it.

I have been trying for some time to find a course I could do to qualify in something that would give me a job or career that paid well, so I could keep doing my books but not expect the royalties to support me. But there was nothing I could think of, nothing that I could find that I knew I could stick to.

I hate learning.

However, I love discovering.

I love reading stories, novels or blogs that inspire, inform and teach me something – without trying to. I love discovering some new random fact or bit of history that I didn’t know before.

I love to discover new things from movies and TV shows, obviously, much of history in movies is skewed, but that’s okay, I still discover things.

I love to discover new information from talking to friends, from watching TED talks, from being shown how to do something, or being given random advice by a stranger.

It might seem like a bit of a pointless thing to do, to make this definition between learning and discovering, after all, they’re essentially the same thing, but for me, it has been a complete eye-opener. Knowing that I would rather discover something for myself, even if I make mistakes while doing so, rather than being shown or have to read a manual to learn – is a huge realisation for me.

I can stop looking for courses now. I can stop pretending I will ever get a boring qualification to do something sensible. Instead, I will seek new opportunities to discover new things, try new things, and allow myself to play and figure things out. I plan to visit a friend who is an awesome photographer, to get some tips on using my camera better, and how to get specific shots I really want to get.

What about you? Do you love to learn? Or would you rather discover?

Where Do Our Ambitions Come From?

This post wasn’t on my list to write, but I just had a realisation about twenty minutes ago, which I needed to write about.

Do you know where your ambitions came from? Do you know why you wanted to do the work you do? Have the relationships you have? Why you love some things and hate others? Most people would say that our conditioning and programming comes mostly from our family and from teachers and friends who are around us when we’re growing up. That’s why we end up dating replicas of our parents, because it’s what we know.

Well I just realised that my desire to have my own business, and my love of stationery and packing up goods into boxes and sending them out, came from a movie.

Yes, that’s right. A movie. And they say that media doesn’t have that much impact on us? The movie was my favourite, I have no idea how many times I watched it, but I know it was many times. It was called Baby Boom. It was about a high-powered business woman who ends up with a baby girl after her cousin dies, and who ends up leaving her job in New York and moving to Vermont, where she ends up starting her own baby food business.

Thinking about it, that may have been the beginning of my love of New York and New England too…

Anyway, my favourite parts of the movie were when her business is taking off and she is sending out jars of the baby food in brown boxes with the custom Country Baby label on them. I remember being fascinated by the idea of running a business, and I remember wanting to do that myself.

Now of course, I may have still wanted to do that, whether I had watched that movie or not, but it makes you wonder if it wasn’t that movie that planted the seed in my mind.

Was my interest in aliens and ghosts started by watching Ghostbusters, Beetlejuice, ET and Ghost? Was my love of fantasy and sci-fi started by watching the Goonies, the Neverending Story, Hook or Back to the Future? Was it all the many movies I watched set in America that created my love of the US and created my desire to visit there and even live there?

I have no way of knowing the answers to those questions, but it does make you wonder how much of our lives are shaped by the media that we consume at a young age, and it makes me wonder how kids now will turn out in years to come, with the sheer volume of media they are exposed to. A few 80s and 90s movies are nothing compared to the movies, TV shows, games and YouTube videos that are available to watch now.

Just something to ponder, I didn’t have any conclusion to make from this realisation, I just wanted to share it! And if you’re wondering why I suddenly has this realisation, it’s because Baby Boom is currently on Netflix!

 

My Demons are My Muses

I’ve been having some interesting conversations, and reading books and watching movies and taking part in classes about the subject of stories. The stories we are living. The stories we are telling. The stories we are believing. And it’s brought up some interesting things for me, as a writer, a storyteller, and creator of fictional worlds.

I am aware that the stories we tell and that we believe, create the world we live in. When we repeat the same refrain over and over, about who we are, and what we are and are not capable of – it becomes our reality. It becomes our truth, and we will tell it to whoever will listen.

We create our pain, our struggle, our drama – all by what we say. Out loud and in our minds.

I know, that I have all the tools I need to slay all of my demons and create a harmonious, abundant, joyful life. But I don’t use the tools, I don’t put things into practice, I don’t slay my demons and create that life. Why?

Because my demons are my muses.

My darkest moments have created the most powerful scenes in my books. My lowest points have yielded my best poetry. My expression of the depths of my despair have reached people, connected with people, resonated with people, who are in that very same place. And in those connections, those people have realised something crucial.

They are not alone.

There is hope.

If the character can experience the same pain, the same struggle, the same pitch dark night of the soul – and survive it – then those people can too.

I know that I don’t need to experience something to write about it. There is much I have written about that I have not yet experienced, and perhaps never will. But I do know that when I have experienced something, and when I write even in the moment I am still experiencing it, those words are what connect with people in the deepest possible way.

And so, my demons are my muses.

Of course, being aware of this means that I don’t have to dwell in those dark spaces. I don’t have to give my demons any more airtime than necessary. Instead, I can live with them. And isn’t that what it’s all about? Becoming friends with our shadows? Accepting every part of our selves – the good and the bad, the light and the dark? If I were to slay my demons, and live purely in the light, I may as well be on the other side in heaven, and not a human on this planet.

The point of being human is not to slay the demons, but to understand them. To listen to them. And to let them help you to help others.

So tell your stories. Live your stories. Believe your stories. But know that you have the power to change the story whenever you choose. You are creating your experience, your life, with your story, and by understanding and befriending your demons, you can create an even more powerful story, that could help others.

 

Living on the Edge

The first city we visited on our trip to Canada and the States this summer, was Toronto. Somehow, we were not feeling jet-lagged, and after waking up at 6am on the Monday morning, we decided to head into the city, and see some sights. I visited Toronto nearly 20 years ago, when I was visiting my best friend. She lived in the city for three years when we were teenagers. So I had been up the CN Tower, but I loved it, especially the glass floor! So Mum and I headed there, and went up the tower. There was a new feature, whereby you could actually be harnessed up and hang off the edge of the outside of the tower. Of course, that did not appeal to either of us in the slightest! Instead, we enjoyed lunch overlooking the city, and took a zillion photos, and lay down on the glass floor.

 

Afterwards, we left the tower and took a zillion more photos from underneath it. I was playing around with my big lens, and realised something. I could see a tiny person hanging off the edge of the tower.

My first thought was – what a nutter! Why on earth would you hang off the edge of the CN Tower? Why would you pay a lot of money to hang off the edge of the CN Tower? Then I realised that actually, when I was 13 years old, and I was jumping up and down on the glass floor, over a thousand feet in the air, I felt amazing. Like I could do anything. And if I felt like that standing safely inside on the glass floor, how amazing must it be to hang off the very edge, with no net, just a strap holding you onto the building.

I imagine that after that, things seem easy. I had the same invincible feeling after doing a firewalk in 2013. I was utterly terrified, but I felt so amazing afterwards. Like I could tackle anything.

More people joined the person on the edge, each putting their arms out wide, like they were flying. I took this photo of the five of them, and indeed, if this picture is of you, I have lots more pictures, so get in touch and I’ll send them to you! (It was May 16th, at 1:50pm)

What about you? Is there something you have done that has made you feel like you could handle anything from that point onwards? Is there something that terrifies you that you wish you could do? Maybe you have done the CN Tower thing, if so, let me know what it was like!

Crossing the Line

I’ve recently been reading books on boundaries. Mostly on the lack of them, and what that creates. This subject interests me because I feel I haven’t got established, healthy boundaries in my life, and I know that it is not having a positive effect on my relationships, my health and my finances. There are many reasons why  people do not have healthy boundaries, and these range from their upbringing to having low self-esteem and self-worth.

In intimate relationships, having no boundaries means that you often find yourself going without what you need or desire, because you have not established clear expectations or rules. And even when you find your unspoken boundaries being crossed, you find it difficult to say anything, and so let it slide. This can create a lot of resentment or anger that will no doubt build up until it comes out in an argument, at which point, your partner will be surprised because they will have been unaware that they had crossed the line or upset you with their behaviour. It can also mean that you allow your partner to do things that you would not normally find acceptable.

In friendships, having no boundaries means that whenever your friends call, you’re available. Whatever time suits them to meet, you’re free for that time. You fit into their schedules, they do not fit into yours. Mainly because people with no boundaries often have no schedules and no routine, so they fit in wherever they need to and go with the flow. While going with the flow can be a good thing, if there is no structure at all, you will find that absolutely nothing will get done.

In health, having no boundaries means that you will accept food you are offered even if you don’t want it, or people will find it acceptable to comment on your diet. Having no routine means that exercise is often not in the picture, and you’re so busy running around catering to everyone else’s needs and demands, that you have no time to take care of yourself properly.

In finances, having no boundaries means you will accept lower rates of pay, or not charge enough for your services, or will be too relaxed on clients when it comes to payments, or being disorganised when it comes to invoices, doing your taxes, or making sure you have enough cash flow. Having no structure means not keeping track of income and outgoings, and getting into debt more easily.

I have had many of the above issues in my life, and it is only recently, becoming aware of my patterns, that I realise I need to make some changes to improve my life in every way. My only issue is this – I haven’t had boundaries for most of my life. I have no idea what it feels like to have boundaries, to express them clearly and to enforce them when needed. I have read a lot about the lack of boundaries and the problems this causes, and even about the actions to take to create new boundaries. But it feels like I would need to have a personality transplant in order to become a person with clear boundaries. I don’t find it easy to create new habits, and to have set routines and structure, so this feels like quite an epic journey to embark on.

I am excited to see what changes from having this awareness, and from making whatever changes I can to ensure I don’t allow my new boundaries to be crossed.

One of my concerns in becoming a person with boundaries is that I may appear to be mean. In that I am likely to say ‘no’ more often, in maintaining my boundaries. I will also be less available and will ask others to fit into my schedule rather than just automatically fitting into theirs. It feels as though there is a fine line between being mean and being sensible, and it is something I am going to have to experiment with over the coming weeks. Many people without boundaries are people-pleasers, wanting to do whatever they can to make others happy and to gain their approval.

If you have any stories to share about this, or if you have any magical suggestions to becoming a boundaried person, I would love for you to comment below!