Michelle Gordon's Blog, page 2

I Wish You Were Here – Ch2

Chapter Two

“Good morning,” she replied with a smile, studying his face on the screen. His grey eyes with dark flecks, the dimple in his left cheek, the tiny scar on his chin, all reminded her of her dream. She closed her eyes briefly, remembering the feeling of his arms wrapped tightly around her.
“Did you sleep well?” he asked, as she turned back to the coffee maker to make her morning cup. The toast popped up, so she put it on a plate and slathered it in strawberry jam. There was no butter because she hadn’t been food shopping recently.
She shrugged. “Okay, I guess. I had too much wine last night.”
He chuckled. “Ah, so feeling a little rough now?” He frowned. “Isn’t it getting late there? Shouldn’t you be getting to work?”
Rebecca never worked on her birthday, it was the one day every year that she held sacred. But she didn’t want to mention her birthday and make him feel bad for forgetting, again. She stirred milk into her coffee and turned back to her laptop. “I’m taking the day off, I need to get caught up on a few things.”
He was still frowning, unsure whether to believe her. She needed to change the subject, fast.
“I dreamt about you again,” she said, sipping her coffee and sitting at the breakfast bar so she could devote her whole attention to him.
His eyebrows raised. “A good dream, I hope?”
She grinned. “It was lovely. We were spooning, just holding each other. I could smell you, feel you, hear you. I didn’t want to wake up.” She sighed. “But I’d forgotten to turn off my alarm.”
“I wish I really were there, holding you,” he said. Though he didn’t show his emotions much, she could hear a hint of sadness in his voice.
“Me too,” she replied, her eyes filling with tears despite her promise to herself that she would not cry on her birthday. She bit into her rapidly cooling toast, and chewed slowly, trying to focus on the taste and distract herself.
“So what have you got planned for today?” he asked, sensing it was his turn to change the subject.
“Oh, just some bits of shopping,” she said, wiping her mouth with a piece of kitchen towel. “I also need to tidy the house and do some paperwork.” Though she didn’t work on her birthday, she also didn’t really do much to celebrate, either. Not since he had gone away. Mostly, she just did her best not to wallow in self-pity of being alone.
“I hope you find some joy,” he said, his eyes twinkling.
It was a silly game that they used to play. Each day, they would challenge each other to find the joy, and then report back that evening. She found it slightly annoying, especially when she was having a particularly bad day, but he had been insistent on the ritual. Even after he left, when they spoke each day, he would ask her what joy she had found each day. As irritating as it sometimes was, it did make her more aware of the tiny things that gave her hope, or made her smile. She had no doubt that doing so had helped her through the dark times. Not that she would admit that to him, of course.
She rolled her eyes at him, unable to see how she would find joy in a birthday without him, but before she could reply with a sarcastic comment, the doorbell rang and she frowned.
“Someone is at the door,” she said, putting her cup down and starting to close the laptop.
“I’ll wait,” he said quickly.
“Okay,” she said, lowering the lid slightly but not closing down the program. She got up and went to the door. She wasn’t expecting any deliveries or visitors, so she was a little apprehensive. She really hoped that her family hadn’t decided to surprise her, she had told them explicitly that she wanted to spend the day at home, doing nothing. She didn’t think she could cope with the polite small talk she would be forced to take part in.
She opened the door a crack, and found herself looking at a huge bunch of flowers with legs sticking out underneath.
“Mrs Green?” the bouquet said.
Rebecca frowned. “Yes?” She opened the door wider and the flowers were thrust at her.
“Happy Birthday!” the woman said, turning away and walking back down the driveway before Rebecca could utter a thanks.
Slightly stunned, she carried the massive bouquet into the kitchen, and set them down on the counter. Nestled amongst the bright, fragrant blooms was a tiny envelope. She opened it and slipped the card out. In an unfamiliar script, it simply said, ‘Happy Birthday, Bex. xx’
There was only one person who called her Bex, but how…?
She went back over to her laptop and opened the lid fully again. He was still there, patiently waiting for her.
“How did you do this?” she whispered.
He smiled. “Happy birthday, my love. Did you really think I would forget your big one?”
She chuckled, and wiped a tear away. “You always used to forget my birthdays.”
He shook his head. “I was terrible at remembering things, it’s true. But it was the least I could do, to remind you how much I love you.”
Hearing those words, the tears began to flow freely. She still had no idea how he had remembered, or how he had managed to arrange such a beautiful surprise, but she was glad he had. The prospect of celebrating her 40th birthday alone didn’t seem quite so bad now.

This is the second chapter in a brand new story that I am posting here on my blog as I write it. (Chapter One is here.) It is not finished, it is not edited, and I don’t know if it will be a book, but I wanted to try something new with my writing, so if you have enjoyed this chapter or are intrigued enough to want to read on, please do email me or comment!

I Wish You Were Here

Chapter One

“I wish we could stay here like this, forever.”
His arms tightened around her and she could feel his warm breath in her hair.
“Me too,” he whispered. “Let’s not get up just yet.”
She snuggled deeper into his embrace, and breathed in his familiar scent, and felt his steady heart beat at her back. They fit together perfectly, and had always fit, from the moment they’d met.
She remembered every moment of their very first date. The way he told her stories of his adventures, trying to impress her. But she was just mesmerised by his smile, by the way he nervously tapped his foot under the table, and by the way he said her name.
“What are you thinking?” he asked softly.
She smiled, he always could read her mind. “I was thinking of our first date. Of how I loved you from that very first moment.”
“Oh,” he said. “That’s not how I remember it. I remember falling for you from the moment I saw you smile, but as I recall, you took a few hours?”
She giggled. “Okay, okay, maybe it wasn’t from the very first moment. But I knew that you were going to change my life from that first moment.”
He sighed. “I wish I had changed it for the better.”
She turned in his arms to face him, and lifted a hand to stroke his cheek. “You did,” she insisted softly. “My life was and is so much better for knowing you.”
He smiled and kissed her, and she closed her eyes to savour the feeling of his lips on hers. He pulled back slightly.
“I’ll be right back,” he whispered.
Before she could open her eyes, he was gone. She stared the empty side of the bed, and reached out to touch his cold pillow.
“Hurry back,” she whispered.

* * *

The insistent beeping of the alarm clock made Rebecca groan. Why hadn’t she remembered to switch it off? She didn’t need to be up so early today, in fact, she had planned on not leaving her bed at all.
She switched off the alarm, then turned over and reached out to touch the empty side of the bed. Despite hoping desperately, he had not returned for the rest of the night. She closed her eyes to remember the feeling of his arms wrapped around her, his scent enveloping her, but the memory was already fading away.
A tear escaped from her eye and soaked into his pillow. She would have given anything, she would have sold her soul, just to have him come in through the door in that very moment, with a tray of tea and toast, wishing her happy birthday with a bunch of fresh flowers from the garden, because he had forgotten to plan ahead and buy anything. She always forgave him for forgetting though.
Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, all had passed by without much fanfare, as he was never one to celebrate much. But it didn’t matter as long as he was there with a cheeky grin, a warm hug, and a long kiss. She could never stay mad at him.
Just as she couldn’t feel mad at him for not being there now.
The sunlight flickered around the edge of the blackout curtains, reminding her that the world still existed outside, and that perhaps she should go out and join it, or at least open the curtains and let it in, but she rarely did that anymore. The darkness suited her better, demanded less of her, allowed her to wallow in her sadness.
Limbs protesting, her head aching, her tired brain wishing that she had not drunk the entire bottle of wine the previous night, Rebecca got out of bed and stumbled to her wardrobe. Instead of opening her side, she gravitated towards his, and opened the door, wishing that she had been less on top of the laundry, that there were still items that carried his scent, that she could wear or wrap around herself like a protective cloak, keeping the rest of the world away forever.
Only a few pieces of clothing remained, hung neatly on hangers. She touched the sleeve of his favourite flannel shirt, and lifted it to her nose, inhaling deeply. Disappointment swirled in her stomach as she smelled the scent of their washing powder. Tears filled her eyes and she tried to remember his scent from her dream, or from her memories, but though she could remember how it made her feel, she couldn’t remember the exact scent itself.
Sighing, she closed his wardrobe and took the dressing gown from her own, wrapping it around her thin frame, before slipping her feet into her favourite slippers and going out to the small kitchen.
She ignored her phone on the counter, knowing that there would be dozens of messages from friends and family, wishing her a happy birthday. Though she appreciated them, it wasn’t them she wanted to hear from, that she needed to hear from.
She filled the coffee machine and switched it on, then put two slices of slightly stale bread into the toaster. It wasn’t quite the breakfast in bed she had wished for, but it would be something close. All that was missing was the flowers from the garden, and the cheeky smile.
Still ignoring her phone, Rebecca took her tea and toast and sat at the breakfast bar, and opened her laptop. Before she could convince herself that it was a bad idea, she found the icon on the desktop and double clicked.
A blue screen popped up, and she hit the green button. A few seconds later, his face filled the screen. Her heart nearly stopped as he looked directly at her and smiled.
“Good morning, my love.”

This is the first chapter in a brand new story that I am posting here on my blog as I write it. It is not finished, it is not edited, and I don’t know if it will be a book, but I wanted to try something new with my writing, so if you have enjoyed this chapter or are intrigued enough to want to read on, please do email me or comment!

The Return of the Earth Angels…

…is now available!!

Get your copy now in paperback and on kindle!

I have had a few readers tell me how much they have enjoyed it, and that it was definitely worth the wait! Phew!

If you read it and love it, please do leave a review, every bit of feedback helps other readers to choose whether or not to give it a go, and also gives me the momentum to keep writing.

In publishing The Return of the Earth Angels, I have hit my first major writing milestone – I have now written and published just over ONE MILLION words!

My lifetime goal is five million, which roughly equates to 100 novels. It has taken me 15 years to get to the first million, so I need to step things up in order to reach five! I wanted to mark the occasion somehow, and seeing as I don’t do anything that will win me any medals, my best friend’s suggestion of a medal seemed perfect.

I wore the medal for launch day, and it certainly made me feel like a winner! I already have my next two books in mind, the first is the fourth book in my children’s series, which will be out in Autumn, and then the next is one that I’m really looking forward to writing, but no spoilers to reveal yet!

Then I plan to get book 12 in the Earth Angel Series out next year, which will conclude the series. It has been quite the journey, I must say.

What would you like to see from me next?

Book Eleven Announcement!

If you are signed up to my mailing list you will already be in the know (so sign up here to be the first to get book release announcements in the future!)

But if you’re not on the list yet, here it is! Book Eleven is called

The Return of the Earth Angels

and will be released on

1st August 2024!

Look out for pre-order links coming soon! Have you read the rest of the series yet? You can get books one to ten here!

If you are excited for The Return of the Earth Angels, let me know in the comments!

The Universe says Relax

Part of the ADHD experience for me is lacking the ability to stop and rest regularly. Usually, it’s a case of keeping going full pelt til I hit burnout, then melt into a puddle for a while to recharge.

But even then, I refuse to allow burnouts to last too long, because my to do list is actually endless.

Last week though, I didn’t have much choice. I had a pretty nasty tummy bug which meant three days in bed (admittedly I still did some client work when I could, as one client released her book yesterday, and things had to happen) but I didn’t push myself too hard or get annoyed with myself for doing nothing. By Friday, I was getting a bit annoyed though, because though I was starting to feel better, the lack of food for a week meant I was too shaky to do much, my energy levels were super low.

But apparently the universe thought I needed to chill for a week, I just wish there could have been a less painful way! But if it hadn’t been painful, I probably wouldn’t have stopped.

So I feel like I need to learn how to rest and relax more often, so I don’t get ill like this. I started to look at how I could cut down on my workload, and I quit a volunteer position that I had done for over a year, that I did because I wanted to help, but took up a lot of time, that truthfully, I never had to begin with. I intend to try to keep simplifying things, so that I can get to the point where I switch off from work and even social media in the evenings, or for one day a week. Where I do something fun or random, just for myself.

Because being self-employed means I never switch off. And I think I need to learn to. Though here I am, before 9am on a Sunday, answering client emails and writing a blog post about how I need to learn how to relax.

The irony isn’t lost on me, I promise.

I still have a ways to go, but I do hope to get there, because I most certainly do not want to repeat the last week!

Managed to sew this lil creature while in bed binging tv shows. Her name is Ava, she was the Christmas surprise animal by Coolcrafting.

Confessions of an ADHD writer

So I wrote this whole blog post in my head while in the shower and drying my hair, and now I don’t remember a word of it.

I very eloquently summed up what it felt like to desperately want to do something,  but being completely incapable of it.

That’s how I feel about writing most of the time. The ideas are stacked up, the characters are impatient, my readers are waiting, and yet, the ability to sit and type the words that are flowing to me through the ether is the hardest possible thing to do.

My ability to hyperfocus has unfortunately disappeared.

Instead, the desperate need for a dopamine hit, any hit, takes over and I find myself mindlessly scrolling through terrible videos and checking out so completely that I’m not even aware of the time or where I am.

I do believe that hormonal changes in the last three years are the main culprit of my complete lack of attention span, but I’ve never had much attention span and have always had the memory of a goldfish. The main difference now is that I know why, and I cut myself some slack now.

I never used to. I used to push myself hard to get things done, even when I lacked the motivation. I never accepted any physical issue to be an excuse to miss deadlines. Or even any emotional or mental issue. I have written parts of my novels while sobbing at 3am. You probably know which parts.

I do wonder if I could have kept up my consistent output of publishing two books a year if the sales had kept increasing consistently.  But at the end of 2018, Amazon changed their algorithms and sales pages, my sales slumped, and I lost my mojo for it all.

Writing and publishing my books no longer gave me the much needed dopamine hits, and in fact, drained what little dopamine I had. I got much more satisfaction from helping other authors to publish, and so my attention shifted to that. I’ve published dozens of books in the last 6 years, but only 6 of my own.

Which might sound like a lot, but it’s half of my output previous to that. (And one was a quote book, one was a poetry book and three were children’s novels, so indeed far less writing than normal).

I don’t know how to find the joy in writing again. Perhaps I need to change my medium, use my typewriter, or go back to pen and paper. But the idea of typing it all up after does not appeal! Unfortunately, dictation is out of the question. It seems that the act of typing the words (or handwriting them) is my method. When I try to verbalise the story flowing through, it ends up in the ‘he says this, then she replies, then they do this’ format, as opposed to actual dialogue and action.

Bizarre, I know, but true.

I found writing to be a bit easier in Morocco. It seems the sunshine provided enough dopamine for me to be able to focus better. But I haven’t written more than 1000 words since I got back, 10 days ago, and I had promised myself that I would get book 11 done by the end of this month.

Old me would move heaven and earth not to break that promise.

Current me is just tired. And in need of sunshine!

My favourite photo from Essaouira. 
It was 30°C that day!

Sunshine and dopamine

So I’ve been back in the UK for a few days now, and already I can feel my body’s desperation for dopamine. So I googled the link between sunshine and dopamine, and yes! It’s a thing.

While in Morocco,  getting daily dises of sun, my need to impulsively spend and eat an abundance of sugary snacks, was greatly lessened, and my concentration was greatly improved.

Now back in the cold grey, I find myself snacking constantly and desperate to buy things or make things or binge watch TV to get a hit.

Maybe this is what my favourite psychic meant when he told me way back in 2004 that I needed to live somewhere hot…

I know you might not have followed this blog years ago imagining it would turn into an info dump on ADHD, but I believe there is a strong link between being an Earth Angel and having ADHD, Autism or other health issues (mental and physical) so I do hope you will stick with me!

I didn’t get book 11 finished while in Morocco,  but I am still determined to get it written and published soon, because it feels like the time is just right for it!

I am currently publishing 4 books for other authors, which takes up a fair amount of computer time, but I plan to get book 11 finished by the end of this short month, because in March I have lots of events booked in, and will be busy selling my Magic Letterpress wares! Will also be taking my books to an event in Swansea for Women in Publishing, which should be fun. I do love to network.

I will keep you updated on progress, do keep an eye on my Instagram (@michellegordonauthor) and on Not From This Planet’s Instagram for release dates, new books, etc.

Here’s another blue skies pic to help you get through the grey skies!

A Letter to all Flames

My Dearest Twin Flames,

It has been an age since I last wrote to you, and for that I apologise. The time has slipped by so fast, that I find myself looking around, slightly dazed, wondering what happened to the last decade.

Because for the last decade, I have spent much of my time in love with, and addicted to, my twin flame. Yes, addicted. Because the love I feel for them is a drug, they are my only vice. (Aside from sugar) And it is in no way healthy.

So I wanted to reach out to you, dear flame, and tell you about a course that I find myself doing, that has made me realise that I cannot spend another moment compromising my needs for that of my flame. That I need to find a way, somehow, to move on and find a soul who reciprocates and wants to make my needs as important as his own, who can appreciate my love and support.

Now, I am well aware that I have said this many times before, and I’m not sure how I will be able to do this, but I wanted to mention the course I’m doing, because it is making me really get that it is absolutely necessary.

The course is one by Matthew Hussey, whose videos I have seen over the years, and have always liked his energy. He has a new book coming out, and if you pre-order it, you can get this course for free. I watched his live webinar and there were golden nuggets in there that made me realise that the minimal amount for the book was well worth getting the course. (This link takes you to the replay, the free course offer expires in 2.5 days)

Thanks to ADHD, I have signed up to many a course and never actually watched it, but this time, I have been watching the videos and making notes. Because I need this information to sink in, I need to be strong enough to do this, for my own sake (and for the sake of all those who love me). Because I cannot go into a new decade in this limbo.

And neither should you.

There is so much love, laughter and joy beyond the connection you have with your flame. I know there is for you, because I know there is for me. Please don’t get to 13 years later and wonder what on earth you were waiting for.

Live now. Follow you mission, your passion, your excitement, now.

It won’t be easy, and I have no idea if I can actually do it myself. But I’m rooting for you (and for myself) because you are so worthy and deserving of a deep, true and beautiful love.

It will feel like the world is ending, but it is not, I promise. It is only just beginning, and the world needs your light more than ever before.

Shine brightly, dear flame, I love you.

Michelle. xx

Internal Battles

So here is it, the first, and hopefully not last, post of 2024. I can’t think of a title right now, so I’m hoping one will emerge by the end of the post!

I’ve been thinking about how much I berate myself for not getting enough done. For having no enthusiasm or mojo to write, to market my books, to make money, to hustle. The last four years have been pretty tough on those fronts. I feel like my batteries ran out and I didn’t recharge properly, so now I am in a constant battle of not enough energy and no time to recharge.

As well as the pandemic madness that we all experienced, I have come to two realisations in the last couple of years. One, that I have ADHD. And two, I am perimenopausal. Now the latter is what made the former so much more obvious, which is what seems to happen in females, which is why so many older females are now being diagnosed. The change in hormones makes the ADHD symptoms so much more obvious, and then when we realise, we can then see that it was there all along from childhood, we were just very good at masking and overcompensating for it.

So when I consider just how much I have managed to achieve, in spite of the extra layer of difficulty, I should feel proud. But instead, I just feel irritated that for the last few years I have struggled to find any motivation at all to write or to market my existing books. My focus and ability to concentrate is shot to pieces. I was blaming it on my addiction to my smart phone, but I think there’s a lot more going on than that. I have been taking supplements that are helping, and I’m looking into natural hormonal support, but it’s very much an inside job, after my doctors brushing off my perimenopausal enquiries with – you’re too young for that. Sigh.

Writing has always been my favourite past time, my kind of therapy, to explore other worlds and get lost in a reality of my choosing, but recently it feels like a slog, and I hate that. In need of some sunshine and inspiration, I decided to spend a month in Morocco. I didn’t bring any creative crafty things to do (aside from one tiny crochet project) hoping that not having my hands busy would mean that I would get bored enough to write. But instead, I find myself scrolling through Instagram and generally wasting time doing nothing.

But in an effort not to continually berate myself, I have so far managed about 5k words, and I am determined to finish Book 11 in the Earth Angel Series while I am here, so that I can set a publishing date for that this year.

Though, now that I have said that, I’m worried that I have made another promise that I won’t keep, especially considering I said that the book was ‘Coming soon’ about four years ago.

All I can say is, I will try my absolute best to get it done, and I am going to try not to berate myself so much, and considering it has been cloudy today, I am not going to tell myself off for spending every moment I can in the sun while I am here, because I seriously need the vitamin D!

Hmm, still no idea what to call this post, but here is a photo of Morocco to either make you feel warm inside or to make you feel jealous. You choose which one it is! Oh, and if you want to follow my Moroccan adventures, follow me on Insta – @michellegordonauthor and look for the stories!

Blue skies over orange dreams!

Another year… gone

So I managed a grand total of two blog posts this year… wow. I wanted to recap the year to prove that I wasn’t just lazing about, but it’s been such a crazy year, this may take me a while!

I miss the days when I blogged regularly, and it was a diary of sorts. I could check when I released books or attended events. But ah well!

So the highlight reel of 2023-

I moved from my studio into a new shop unit in Bastion Mews, where from July to Christmas, I ran Wish You Were Here, Letterpress Studio & Lifestyle Store. I ran workshops and sold handmade crafts as well as my cards and prints. It was a massive learning curve, and after six months, I hadn’t had any people wanting to print on a regular basis and share the space, and I couldn’t keep it up on my own, so I decided not to renew my lease, and put everything in storage.

I finished writing The Magical Dragon Mirror and released it in July, with the official release taking place at the Legendary Llangollen Faery Festival in August.

I got the rights to Where’s My F**king Unicorn? Back from the publishers, and released Finding My F**king Unicorn: The Workbook.

I published a few more books for other authors, including Waves of Stardust by Elizabeth Lockwood, Flower Pots & Jam Jars by Rowan James, Saviour of Angels by K.E. Riley, Lost London 2 by Vic Keegan, and Behind Door B by Julie Askew.

I made a lot of pants, in a variety of mad fabrics! I also made some leggings and sweatshirts, and hope to make lots more.

I attended many markets, print fairs, craft fairs and wayzgooses selling my wares, and had a fabulous time! Particularly loved the monthly market at the Fold in Bransford.

I helped to organise and run the Harry Potter experience at Hereford Cathedral for the official Harry Potter book night. Had a lil too much fun battling Snape!

I made lots of creatures, some knitted, some sewn, some crocheted. You could say it was the year of the creature making for me! I made 9 crocheted whales, two crocheted triceratops, several knitted frogs, and many felt animals. My own bears (designed and hand stitched by me) started selling really well in my shop, so I even started making them again too. I also made a ton of pumpkins and also crocheted a cardigan and a jumper!

In January, I became the editor of Small Printer, which is the magazine for the British Printing Society. My amazing team and I have produced 6 issues, and have received many compliments! It has been quite a task, fitting in the voluntary work around trying to earn a living, but it has been fun!

And finally, with the help of Lucja Fratczak-Kay, my amazing friend and fabulous artist, I designed a witchy bullet journal, which only went live on xmas eve, so if you like bujos, have adhd and are witchy, go grab a copy! (Bujo of Shadows)

I also got to spend time with my favourite people, and favourite doggo, though probably not nearly enough time.

I have many plans for 2024, hope to share them with you on here soon!

Merry Christmas!