Jude Stringfellow's Blog, page 111

Hidden

 Hidden  

 

Silent under Heaven’s murk 

Hearts in union pound  

Mindfully softened breaths 
Blend in muffled sound 

 

Shush old rippling creek bed 

Hold tight your liquid tongue 

Keep our secrets safe here 

Far from everyone 

 

Bedim your spirit kind moorland 

Never give out our names 

Hold our meetings locked up 

Our cravings hard, unchained 

 

Here, we find devotion 

Liberation without dread 

Here, we share our freedom 

Relief without the fret 

 

Chase my soul sweet lover 

Hold me ever close 

Assuage the mean forbidding 

Keeping us apart 

 

Kiss my lips with fervor 

As dawn wanes and ebbs 

Take my love as promised 

Damn verboten webs 

    Jude Stringfellow 11/16/2020

 

You Keep Your Word - - Or You Don't

 Don't get me started on vows. I made them. I didn't always keep them, and that bothers me.  The one I didn't keep was the one about loving him forever, and the reason I couldn't keep that one was because I didn't love him to begin with.  I was still in love with Reuben's father, and because actual love never fails, I suppose to a degree I am still able to say I love Richard. I can honestly say I do not love my former husband - - and that is a mark on my character, not his.  He was as he still is, who he is. I take full blame for what I forced into reality (I should have walked away when the red flags, bells, whistles, and sirens were blaring, but I didn't. I live with that.) I will say this: God is great. He alone turned something so terrifically tragic into something beautiful in that my two daughters are in fact healthy, wonderful, and for the most part they've overcome the many harsh and often horrific memories I personally caused them because I did not wait on the Lord to bring me the right man. That will NOT happen again, I assure you.

Taking this blog to another level, leaving my story behind, moving forward to another all to familiar story that I see happening all over the country, and in fact, all over the world.   Roles are not set in stone, and there is no reason a man can't be the caregiver of the house while the woman works if this is the agreement and if this is what they both decide upon before they marry.  Remember, you really should pray about it, asking God to reveal the right person for you, and if you don't do that you end up making the biggest mistake of not only your life, but it could and would affect your children, parents, friends, family members, co-workers, community, church members, literally EVERYONE. You MUST wait on God to bring you the right partner for the peace of everything or you'll end up chasing the chaos sometimes for years.

Let's say you marry a musician and you know that man/woman (I'll say man since I'm a woman) is a musician when you married him. You know he makes his money, if he makes money, as a musician, not an engineer, not a physician, not a clerk at the hardware store, but as a bona fide real life guitar playing, piano plucking musician - - and if he sings well hey, he may make a few more dollars than you even expected as long as he can get gigs, play at festivals, churches, on stage, or if he decides to he can go to a club or restaurant and earn his keep. What truly offends me as a potential partner, as a community leader, as a woman, as a decent human being, is when I see people who married a musician, artist, painter, sculptor, writer, author, singer, or some other type of artistic performer (who KNEW that they married a creative soul) expect said person to "pull their weight" financially when it is impossible to do so.  Oh, you'll hear them say "You need to just get a real job" or worse, they tell them that their art and their craft is nothing more than a hobby - - it doesn't put "food on the table" or "pay the bills".  With EVERY FIBER IN MY BODY I want to scream at that wretched fool who KNEW they married a performer and say "YOU KNEW THIS...YOU KNEW THIS!"  How can you expect a leopard to become a lion? How can you expect a willow to become an oak?  It doesn't work that way.

Now, if the musician, artist, sculptor, painter, whatever has other skills and can swing a job while being the creative soul they are - - great. If they are unable to do so, and it would crush their existence to give up their pen, guitar, clay, or colors to work a 9-5 ... LET THEM PAINT! Be the breadwinner, be the one who is grounded so they can fly, be the one to make harder decisions about what can or can't be paid for. Don't make them feel guilty for being who they are by telling them that you can't make ends meet because they CHOOSE to be "lazy" and "play" or worse again, that they don't matter or can't be the man or woman they need to be. GOD MADE THEM as surely as He made YOU.  If it sounds as if I am really trying to get through to someone then it's because I'm truly trying to get through to someone. I do know who needs to hear this. I hope she understands that this is the path SHE wanted, the path she promised to uphold. You either mean it, or you don't mean it. There was that line in those vows that said "for richer or poorer" and it didn't mean for a month or two.  Covid sucks. Lockdowns suck. We get that, but you made a promise. You either keep it or you don't.

I've decided to stay single. I've not been intimate with a man in over 20 years. I'm not regretting this decision, it was in fact my decision. I've been true to myself in that matter - - if it changes it will be because God Himself literally drops one in my lap and writes in purple letters on some random wall "HEY JUDE, YOU'RE WELCOME, THIS ONE IS YOURS!"  I don't foresee that happening, but if He does decide to do that I pray God has the grace and insight to bring me a musician because I've learned to make ends meet on my own, and would have no trouble or worries providing for someone whose joy it is and whose gifts it is to bring beauty into this world; and into my own life as my forever partner. He would not have to work if he couldn't hold down a "steady" job. He could write, dream, sing, play, share, and be an ambassador of love to those unable to make it to concerts, shows, etc. Who in the hell ever said that earning money is the gauge by which we measure worth, success, or contribution? Fools. I could never contribute the way a songsmith contributes to the world. I pen my poems, but they are rarely shared. God in His mercy has kept the musicians and the artists with us. We are honored. We should start living like it. 

That being said, partners do have real responsibilities to each other, and vows are given by both. Honor, trust, grace, faithfulness, peace, joy, patience, kindness, caring, and above all - - love must remain between the two. That is my soapbox for now. It was something that's been bothering me for years and it recently reared its ugly head again when I was made aware of it happening to a friend of mine - - I just wish I could have been born in another part of the world at another time for another reason. God knows - - God will provide. I am asked to pray, so I do. I pray but I also imagine. Dreamers dream.  We each have our own path to walk with God - - I can honestly say it is well with my soul. If I didn't keep my promise to love my husband it is because I never loved him, God has always loved me and has never forsaken me. I can't forsake Him now; and I won't.  He gives and He takes away. I hope He gives to me again. I think I would do a better job this time. 

His Mouth

He doesn't know it
But I love his mouth
Hidden in his whiskers.

He doesn't realize the joy
or calculate their power
When I hear him whisper.

Could he press my soul harder
Even if he tried?
Could he hypnotize my spirit?

It's not his words, nor sounds
Not his song or verse.His lips, my kryptonite. 
- Jude Stringfellow 11/1/2020

Lover (poem 2000)

 Lover

Endless embrace!

The night chills—I dream

What could better calm me

Your arms enclosed—love

Pale fixed eyes

Gaze into my ginger pools

Holding fast this last twinkling

Dawn threatens to steal

Whiskered smile

Tickling past my tender skin

Lingered points—brief touch

Dancing elves—each one

Awaken!

No, let me lay with you

Holding on to night

To give in—to lose

- Jude Stringfellow 2000

Plateau! NO!

 One of the worst things that can happen to a person when they are trying to lose weight is to hit that stupid plateau where they stop losing, break pattern and routine, and just stagnate at certain weight which you KNOW if not the weight you want to end up weighing! STUPID PLATEAU!! GO AWAY!

I'm in the uphill part of my program at the moment, having lost 22 pounds since August 20th, 8 weeks now. That's not bad, but for the past 10 days I've been stuck at the VERY same weight and that is bad. It's bad for me. It may not be actually bad or really bad, but it's bad for me because I had a goal set and now I'm not making that goal.  I'm harder on myself than anyone else could be, so not meeting a goal is one of the things I don't allow myself (or in this case my body) to do. This can't remain, I must find a way.

I called the doctor because I figured she would know what to do. I love her, she's young, bright, pretty, and full of life, but she didn't exactly help me. She told me she was impressed with my weight loss and that I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. Thank you Dr. B., I get it, I know I am, but it's not working; something is broken here!  Being the great doctor she is, she referred me to the patient care coordinator who may have more insight as Melissa G., the PC for the group, is an actual nutritionist and may be able to find SOMETHING to kickstart this body into its proper form. (Sooner is better)

Melissa asked me the standard "What are you doing" type questions. We went over each and every thing I'm doing, not doing, was doing, have done, will think about doing, and so forth. Turns out I'm eating correctly, sleeping correctly, fasting, lifting, exercising, taking the right supplements and I'm even praying, which is something I do anyway, but Melissa suggested it - - and that makes me smile. We decided to try boosting the metabolism again with eating more Omega oils found in nuts, fish, and flaxseed as well as drinking even MORE water - - more than the 80 ounces I'm already drinking.  She suggested adding cinnamon to everything too to trigger the metabolism. We also decided that kickboxing and stretching will be added and two of the lift days replaced with said kickboxing and stretching - - just to shake it up. We'll see if that makes a difference. I'll give it another 10 days before I absolutely freak out! I can do anything for 10 days.

I'm not one to cheat myself, so the upcoming holidays means absolutely nothing to me. I won't divert my attention to the fabulous desserts I see, I'll simply eat them in my fantasies and leave them alone in reality. I truly love that I have that ability. LOL  (It works with men too. You should see the handsome bearded strong Scotsman in my mind...he's a cutie for sure! Great smile.) OK, so I'll let you know what's going on with the body in about 10 more days. I won't say what I weigh yet, not until I hit my goal, but I will let you know if the cinnamon works and if the switch up on the exercising routine works. 

My Choice

 My Choice

 

I choose what to harness  

As I exhale your breath 

My passion, my expression 

I will lead this dance 

Touch me - - I will sing 

Hold me in your snare 

Never minify my ardor 

My gift, my love, I share 

Wrapped as one - - in passion 

Stripped in endless bliss 

Holding to our mission 

No one else exists 

Sweet my hips swing forward 

Whispering your name 

Calling for your power 

No thrust quite the same 

Pinned in motion heaving 

Inhale through my soul 

Intensely take my offering 

Give to me your fire. 

 

Jude Stringfellow 10/18/20 

My Cloud - a poem

 My Cloud 

 

I choose what to harness  

As I exhale your breath 

My passion, my expression 

I will lead this dance 

Touch me - - I will sing 

Hold me in your snare 

Never minify my ardor 

My gift, my love, I share 

Wrapped as one - - in passion 

Stripped in endless bliss 

Holding to our mission 

No one else exists 

Sweet my hips swing forward 

Whispering your name 

Calling for your power 

No thrust quite the same 

Pinned in motion heaving 

Inhale through my soul 

Intensely take my offering 

Give to me your fire. 

 

Jude Stringfellow 10/18/20 

Fire's Breath

                                         Fire’s Breath 

 

I arch my body toward the stars 

To feel your hand in touch 

To whisper words you cannot hear 

But words transform in love 

 

I reach to hold your firm strong arms 

To press you even closer 

To hold you fast within my loin 

I celebrate my lover 

 

Tonight resounds within my mind 

A vision—impressions 

Tomorrow’s love, soon foretold 

With sweet anticipation 

 

Keep me sheltered in your soul 

Your thoughts dear—caress 

Strength to carry through the day 

I wait for you—your presents 

 

It won’t be long until we love 

Until we kiss impassioned 

Fire’s breath shines through your eyes 

Revealing love—unquestioned 

- Jude Stringfellow 

Symphony of Love

                                                 Symphony of Love 

Is my voice a symphony 

Do I rage with song 

When our hearts are melding 

Two becoming one 

 
Are your notes of tenor 

Forced with breathless thrust 

Are the whisperings of woodwinds 

Leaping from my tongue 

 

Quicken heart! Hold time 

Surround the sound—silence 

Mewl for no one else to hear 

My lover’s lips shall thunder 

 

Rage, lift up my very soul 

In crescendo—rapture! 

Deep inside, harmonious tides 

Melodies—captured 

 
Songs for only our ears 

Sweet in every note 

Panting—exhausted refrain 

Music is your stroke 

 

Sing sweet lover to me 

Your song a kind surrender 

Symphonic pleas, submission 

Orchestra in motion 

 

Jude Stringfellow 

Embraced Darkness - 1981

 

Embraced Darkness

Sounds of whispered blackened ruins

Your voice—soft—in sketches

Tracing once the rim of light

Now leers—empty darkness

Full faces hazed by dreaming eyes

Catch glimpses—only shadows

My enemy must be the Night

I wait—she brings her gallows

Embracing me by fear and strength

Her hours hold and tease me

The way I feel I fall in dreams

Circling, spinning, catch me!

Visions only stay a while

The morning sun erasing

Rescuing my betrayed soul

Slow tears—remember me

Remembering the things that were

The Night—she will be back

Torturing me again until

I run from her attack

But when she dances with her skirt

Twirling, graceful spinning

I fall to her—I lose my heart

Love forever winning

- Jude Stringfellow,  1981