Michael Offutt's Blog, page 151

The Pros and Cons of Revolution's Pilot episode

Revolution hits next Monday on NBC, but you can watch the whole Pilot right here, right now (embedded in this post). I'm going to talk about the pilot episode, so here's your spoiler warning. :)

PRO and quite possible CON: I'm divided on how I feel about the "miracle exemption" employed for this series. I know, that sounds bizarre considering that I have no problem with the miracle exemption of Superman (that being that all of his powers emerge from being on a planet with a yellow sun). However, in the end, I think I liked that J.J. Abrams is taking a risk with a "Miracle Exemption" so strong, it can only be described as "physics has gone crazy." Once you swallow the fact that electricity doesn't work (nevermind the fact that electrical impulses fire constantly through the human brain and nervous system) then the world-building can begin.
THIS is the protagonist of the story. Her name is Charlie Matheson played
by Tracy Spiridakos. You don't meet her until 12 minutes into the pilot.CON: It takes us a while to figure out who to root for. This pilot doesn't start out with a dream sequence per se, but it does introduce us to a scientifically-minded man named Matheson who has some inkling of what's about to happen in the world short of the blackout. Then the pilot advances 15 years to a post-apocalyptic world and this guy is still around, still healthy, and well respected. Okay...he must be the one I root for. Nope, they shoot him dead shortly after that. This smacks a little of a dream sequence in the "I just wasted 15 minutes of your life and now I'm introducing you to the real protagonist."

PRO: Bows. Taking a page from the Hunger Games, there are lots of fit young people shooting bows with deadly accuracy. It looks cool, and adds an athleticism that you just don't get with a pistol. However, in a country like the United States so overloaded with guns that you could probably stack them from the ground to the moon, you kind of have to wonder where all the guns went.

CON: Rape is how you find out who the bad men are. They wake up the girls in the middle of the night, try to rape them, and then get killed in a gruesome manner. I think "rape" is an overused theme in fiction and writers could stretch themselves a bit to find other more creative ways to show "I am an evil person."
Giancarlo Esposito, definitely one of my favorite actors today.PRO: Giancarlo Esposito. This actor played "Gus" in "Breaking Bad" and boy did he ever do a great job. He's also the genie of the lamp in the show "Once Upon A Time" and I think the "Magic Mirror" as well. So aside from his career just exploding with fantastic jobs (as it should because the guy is one of the best actors around), he gives a chilling performance as the leader of the militia. Very non-stereotypical but definitely evil. And it doesn't involve even the hint of "rape". Rather, his most telling moment is when he admits to being a former insurance salesman. I always knew those guys were the devil.

PRO: The post-apocalyptic scenery. The ruins of Chicago are magnificent. The countryside is outstanding and completely overgrown. And the planes falling out of the sky and exploding before the title sequence will send shivers down your spine.
These guys think they have what it takes to bring in one guy who tends
bar. Think again, you guys are all toast.PRO: Miles Matheson, the dead Matheson's brother, is a frickin' ninja. When you meet him, he's just some forty year-old dude tending bar. But the militia comes for him with guns, bows and arrows, knives, and about twenty incredibly fit men. This forty year old former marine KILLS THEM ALL. I'm not kidding. It's a blood bath. He leaves bodies strewn about like a Tony Jaa film. I was like...holy crap, this guy is a complete BADASS.
Miles Matheson killing everyone that came to "take him in." The
choreography in this fight was pretty incredible for a t.v. show.So with more pros and cons, I think that J.J. Abrams may have a winner to replace "Fringe" which is signing off the air in the spring of 2013. If you've watched the pilot, what do you think? And do you intend to watch Revolution?

My thumb blotted out the planet Earth

Have a great weekend :)

Recognizing the signs of a brain aneurysm

I have a friend named Joe that I haven't seen in years. We don't keep in touch anymore. He moved on, and so did I. But I remember the day Joe's dad died of a brain aneurysm. He had been working and reported that he suddenly felt a sharp pain in the back of his head. As if someone had struck him with a hammer. He made a phone call, got progressively worse within minutes of the event, and went unconscious soon after. He was dead in something like 25 minutes. It's that deadly, and that serious. Doctors reported that the vessel that burst near the back of his head caused blood to pool in the brain with such tremendous pressure, there was something like 400-pounds crushing his spinal column.

Well yesterday, I saw this happen to a woman with whom I work. It was morning, we were starting our meeting (it happens once a year and we had it at a local park), and this woman got up from her chair, staggered, and fell down next to a tree. I asked, "What's going on there?" And I was told she had a bad headache. Someone was looking in their purse for some Advil. I said, "headaches don't make people stagger like that. Where is it?" They said, "the back of her head." I said, "I think this is very serious." When I said that, the Manager in charge, dropped everything and acted upon it.
Someone went over, helped the lady to the car, and started driving her to the hospital. It got worse and worse and they called an ambulance. I found out later that day that she indeed had suffered a brain aneurysm. But because of swift thinking on everyone's part, and being in the heart of Salt Lake City where there are excellent medical facilities and some of the best neurosurgeons in the country, she has (I think) a good chance of beating this thing. At least I hope so.
My point in telling you this is not to scare you. But it is to tell you first-hand from someone that has now been around this thing twice, if you or someone you are watching complains of a sudden, severe headache that starts at the back of the head (like someone hit them with a hammer), and it's staggering, you need to drop everything RIGHT NOW. This is a life and death situation. Don't dismiss it. Don't go and grab some Advil or some Excedrin. And don't say, "this person must be faking this as a joke." You call 911 without hesitation.
Just as a disclaimer, I'm not a medical professional. I don't have medical training. But I know what I've seen, and I'm passing it on to you.

IWSG September edition

Today I wanted to talk about unwelcome comparisons that reduce your work and originality to a pile of crap.

Yesterday, I put up a picture of my character, Jordan, that I drew myself (completely from my imagination) and posted it online. I went for a walk with a lady that I know, and she asked to see it. When I showed her using my cell phone, the first words out of her mouth was, "I didn't think you could draw something like that." Followed quickly by, "It looks EXACTLY LIKE so-and-so."  Now "so-and-so" is a 35-year-old man that she works with that she thinks is hot. And although she may think he looks young, to me he looks 40.  Sorry Mr. so-and-so, you look forty. Things are a saggin'. Gravity (as we say in the physics world) is a relentless bitch. My character is 18-years-old. Ahem *hand on hip (yes I had attitude at that point.)

I was like, "What the f*ck? They don't look anything alike." At which point she was mortified that she'd insulted my picture because I wasn't on the same page as her, and I WAS PISSED OFF because she took something that I'd created and said it looked like something or someone it clearly wasn't.

Ladies, imagine making a dress and taking the time to make it look the best you could possibly do with your talent and then have someone come in and say, "OMG, I saw this same pattern in Doris' house down the street so you must have copied that. It looked great over there, and it looks great here." But you know that your friend is "mistaken" because it isn't the same pattern. They're totally different. The only thing that's the same is the fact that both are "dresses." And then an argument ensues because you are insulted.

For the nerdy guys...here's an example for you to help better explain. You spend all this time making a Magic: The Gathering Deck to play in a tournament, and then someone says, "Oh you copied that from some online forum. Tell me where it is so I can get the breakdown and copy it too. It plays great." And then you KINDLY explain to them that you stayed up all night play testing cards and these were the best combos that you could come up with.

It's insulting.

I had one book blogger say, "Michael Offutt's Slipstream is a knockoff of Stephen King's 'The Dark Tower' and King did it better." I've read "The Dark Tower" and my book is NOTHING LIKE IT other than the fact that both have "towers" in them. If that's the case then how is "The Dark Tower" not a knock off of Tolkien? Tolkien had towers before King did. No one in my story is the man in black. No one is the Gunslinger. No one is Jake, the kid from earth.

My point is that there are clear knockoffs (and plenty of them out there), but it IS possible to have an original idea that hasn't been done yet (contrary to popular belief). I think it's bullshit that people say that. They say "There are no original ideas." Whatever. Just none you've ever heard, so you dismiss them as unoriginal. True, there will always be elements to a story that need to be borrowed from pop culture and lexicon. There's no getting away from language and images that all humans share. But I hate it when some person (and probably not all that well read) skims something probably not devoting too much time to it, doesn't wait for the climax for all things to be explained, and then dismisses it as a hackneyed copycat of something else.

My book has been called "weird" and "strange" and "bizarre" by reviewers. I take those as compliments, because it means that people who have absorbed what's going on in the story, and haven't been derailed by the occasional typo or misplaced/missing comma, will see that it's something they've never seen before. And I take pride in that, and yeah...it was really f*cking hard to sell. Publishers don't want weird. They don't want strange. They don't want different. That's because they don't know if it will sell and if people will even like it. People tend not to like "weird". They tend to not like stories that clash genres. Because "genres" are sacred to them. It's how you've been taught.

But I seriously have contempt for genres. And it shows in my writing.  I take young adults and make them have graphic sex, throw them into hard sci-fi with no promise of a romance, and do it all in third person omniscient. I'm okay with people staring at my baby and whispering words like "What the hell is that exactly? I've never seen anything like it. I don't know if it's beautiful or ugly or WTF is it? Is the author insane?" Yeah, I'm okay with that.

What I'm not okay with is comparing it to something that is out there as if I couldn't come up with an idea of my own and needed to rewrite someone else's plot. My co-workers say (as if they are thinking that this is a shoe-in) "Mike, rewrite Twilight." As if I'd even want to do that or even could. I can't write like that. And it's insulting for people to suggest that I should try. But I guess it's all about getting the snicker in on my behalf, or rather, snickering at me behind my back.

The few friends that I've had in my life said that I was born with an incredible imagination that blew their minds wide open whenever they sat down and talked to me about stories. My parents said I had an overactive imagination. Maybe that does NOTHING for stories in today's world where the demand is for two hot guys and a girl in a love triangle. But IT IS THE ONLY THING that I have that I truly call my own. And I will never ever rewrite someone else's story. That's just not how I roll.

So yeah, if you were to ask me, "Mike do you think you write original stories?" I would say, "Yes. I think my stories are fairly original. Maybe not 100%. But I think they're in the 80% range of things you've never seen before." Is that arrogant? No. It's just what I think. I may not be the greatest word smith, but I have a lot of ideas and always have had them even when I was little.

And here's where I say, you do too. Stop listening to the lies. Yes, there is such a thing as genius. It's rare, but some people have it. Some people can be brilliant. Some people can think of things no one else has thought of before. But there's some bizarre thing about our culture that almost shames smart people. Like, it's not okay to be smart (think of Rick Santorum calling Barack Obama a snob--a thing brought about because Obama is SMART). It's not okay to be brilliant. When you pop off with an idea that no one is heard of, there are all kinds of people just waiting to tear it down. I wish America would stop attacking smart people and start listening to them. Maybe we wouldn't be in such a mess.

There are lots of ideas in the independent presses that I've been reading that don't match up with anything I have read before or seen before from both men and women. Some are really brilliant.  Maybe these authors' babies got called ugly and weird too and agents didn't know what to do with them, so they got rejected. Yes, you CAN have an original idea and get absolutely no reward and no money for it. Just because someone has money does not make them smart. But don't allow people to belittle your project by saying that it's a knockoff of someone that made it big. That's just adding insult to injury. Stand up for yourself and tell those people to F*CK OFF.

You have my permission to be smart. And I'm not going to call you arrogant for doing that. I like smart people, especially if they are smarter than myself. Stop being ashamed of your intelligence.

*end rant

A little scene from Oculus

So, this Labor Day weekend, I sent off my completely finished sequel to Deron at Double Dragon, and he says he'll probably publish it about the same time my book was done last year (so spring of 2013). That's really cool. I have to say, this book took A LOT out of me. I've been fighting with it for over two years, had two extremely talented beta-readers go over it, had two editors go over it (and no Andrew, I'm sure there's a comma somewhere that's out of place, but I just don't care), and I went over it myself about a DOZEN times. You know, birthing a sequel is hard as sh*t. I don't know how some people seem to do it so easily.
Oculus is also bigger than Slipstream. It has more meat to it, and I introduce a wide variety of characters so that when I sink into the lowest levels of depravity (as I am prone to do), then I have lots of fictional people I can torture and make do deplorable things.

So for some reason, my "artistic" bug hit me this weekend. See, I used to fancy myself an artist, but I realized that I suck so I gave up on my dreams of doing it professionally years ago. But that doesn't stop me from dabbling with coloring pencil every now and then.

So I drew a scene from Oculus that stars Brianna (a mysterious Watcher character--yes that's a religious reference) and a more mature Jordan. The scene is provided for you as a reference to the picture that I drew:

They both picked up a radiation badge from the control room operator. Jordan knew him only as Harvey. Then she followed him into the room where she took a seat next to him in front of a bank of computer screens. Jordan waited for the go ahead and fired the synchrotron at a previously prepared ice sample and awaited the data.

“How do you prepare the samples?” she asked him.

“Dr. Wolfson had a bunch already completed,” he said. “But she did walk me through how to do it on my own. Basically, ice samples are decontaminated by three repeated washings in ultrapure water. The first step involves taking a sample from an ice core in cold storage and melting it at room temperature. Once that’s done, you gently agitate it for homogenization and then partition it into individual vials of polystyrene Coulter accuvettes, which have all been pre-cleaned using the ultrapure water I mentioned. Dr. Wolfson told me repeated checks showed the dust concentration difference between the first and the last aliquots is typically around the level of measurement-reproducibility. That is, the aliquots provided for the different analyses should be comparable.”

He paused, watching the screen, gaze flicking from one monitor to the next. “All right, there’s the fluoroscopic data we’ve been waiting for.” He gestured with his hand. “We are looking at the insoluble elemental composition of Antarctic dust, which appears to be composed of more aluminum, less silicon, and less potassium than the previous sample that I took from a different depth. The result suggests that either the characteristics of the dust source changed at some point in history, which could mean factors as simple as soil development, or that there was a change in the relative contributions of the overall varying sources.”

“Meaning that there was an environmental change.”

He nodded in agreement. “Exactly—it’s like a portrait of earth’s history captured in time—in a single drop of water.”

“How do you know all of this without looking it up or cross-referencing the fluoroscopic data with a chart?” Brianna asked.

He glanced at her. “Well, I memorized it before I met with Dr. Wolfson so that I’d have a better chance at getting the job. The data on known fluoroscopic rates is on the university website.”

“You memorized all of the numbers?”

He nodded. “I’m not lying. Honest.”

“All right, what’s this?” She pointed at a number on the screen.

“That,” Jordan said, looking at it, “is the numerical figure associated with the element neodymium. How did I miss that?” He scribbled down the details of the water sample on a notebook.

“Why is that significant?”

He swallowed, looking up at her. “I-It’s not! I-I mean it is, but it isn’t.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You’re lying to me.” “Honest, I’m not. I-I mean the finding is significant because none of the previous samples that I’ve examined showed even the slightest traces of Nd in them, but it’s in such microscopic amounts that it’s difficult to say how it got in the ice.”

I did the picture using coloring pencil and finished it in Adobe Photoshop. Basically, imagine yourself looking out at them through a computer screen (the words are printed on in front of Jordan). I aged him some from my other pic I did of him because he's now a college student. Brianna is a junior so I wanted her to look a little older. They say: "Neodymium Detected, Ice Core Sample 111, Origin Dome A: Antarctica.

Features I put in the picture:
1) Antarctica, because that's becoming increasingly important to the story.
2) The name of the particle collider, "C.H.E.S.S." is on the wall.
3) Jordan's red "Cornell Hockey" hat is a powerful symbol in the book, and he wears it everywhere. He plays hockey on the University team. Plus, I thought Jordan looks good in red so I put him in a red checkerboard shirt. Also red (blood) is another powerful symbol. Green was more important in the first book.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. If you like my drawing, you can Pin it or whatever. There's no fear of copyright since I own it, and I say you can use it. Have a great Tuesday.

Distraction from J.L. Campbell - The Friendship is Forever Tour

First off, know that Distraction is FREE on Amazon right now. :)))) Get your kindles and download! If you don't mind, please tweet about this so that Joy can get maximum exposure for her free book and hopefully climb the rankings.

Please welcome author J.L. Campbell who has written a wonderfully enticing book called Distraction.  I've been reading this book over the last couple of weeks, and it's a real page turner thus far (at least a four star book if not a five star). Campbell has an expressive sensuousness to her writing that leaps off the page. Each chapter begins with a Jamaican proverb, which she graciously translates for the reader who would most likely be unable to understand the meaning.  And each proverb does come into play in the chapter's content.  Distraction isn't filled with the most likeable characters, but they feel like real people.  In Distraction, Justine is hopelessly in love with Xavier (a real hunk). Only there's one hitch, she's married and so is he. And therein lies the tension. I will part by dropping these lines written by Ms. Campbell:

"He made love to her again, smothering her beneath him, holding her climax at bay. He meant to frustrate and punish her, and when she lay exhausted, he wouldn't meet her eyes."

J.L. Campbell, authorGood stuff, don't you think? Oh and did I mention that every chapter begins with palm trees in silhouette? Gotta love palm trees. Ah Jamaica. Take it away J.L. Campbell.

***
As with anywhere in the world, island living has its peculiarities. Many things have changed in the past twenty years in Jamaica. We’ve seen the development of a network of highways, our public transportation system has been upgraded, and most buses now have air-conditioning. Many homes have cable television and at least half of us have two cellular phones, owing to high cross-network charges.

Despite the passage of time and changes, at heart Jamaicans are conservative. I see this in the public outrage over things that aren’t considered the norm, and I also know there are many narrow-minded people in the world.

While I was writing Distraction, I had many stirrings of doubt over whether I should finish the story. I posted chapters as I wrote them on my writing network, and there were people reading along who were outraged by the behaviour of the women. I knew I’d probably get this reaction from other readers. However, I’ve found that writers are more open to scenarios outside of what the average person considers normal and many understand need, motive and resulting choices. To date, I haven’t seen more than a single one-star review on Amazon, but I’ve conditioned my mind to the fact that more will come.

I’d like to invite you to download a complimentary copy of A Baker’s Dozen: Thirteen Steps to Distraction. In this prequel, you’ll meet Dionne, Kyra and Justine a year before Distraction takes place (and before they start doing the forbidden).

The actual novel Distraction will be free to download from Amazon today through September 3rd! How cool is that?

Leave a comment on this post and you’ll be entered to win an e-copy of Distraction. At the end of this Friendship tour, there’ll be a main prize of a Distraction note pad & pen and a $10 Amazon gift card. The second prize is a paperback copy of Distraction. Sign up for that at the Rafflecopter here.

I appreciate you taking the time to read.

Michael, thanks so much for hosting me.

Distraction on Amazon

J.L. Campbell on Amazon

J.L. Campbell on Facebook

J.L. Campbell on Goodreads

J.L. Campbell on Twitter

J.L. Campbell is a proud Jamaican and the author of Contraband, Distraction, Dissolution, Don’t Get Mad…Get Even, Giving up the Dream and Hardware (pen name Jayda McTyson). Campbell is always on the lookout for story making material, loves company and can usually be found lollygagging on her blog at http://thecharacterdepot. blogspot.com

Oculus

The Cosmic Laire of Science Fiction and Fantasy (for the record, I never noticed that "laire" could be spelled that way) tagged me with a meme. It's called "Be Inspired" and has this plain "Google-esque" (that's a word, right?) badge here. The rules are simple. Answer the questions in the meme and pass them on to five other authors. Also give thanks to the person who awarded you with the meme as well as linking back to them. Thanks David and GO VISIT HIS BLOG HERE!
What is the name of your book? Oculus.Where did the idea for your book come from? It's a sequel to my first book, Slipstream. It came from the characters doing stuff.In what genre would you classify your book? Speculative Fiction/Dark FantasyWho would you pick to play your characters in a movie adaptation? No idea at this point. Someone young, hot, and blond with like 5% body fat and sparkling blue eyes.Give us a one sentence synopsis of your book? A boy with NHL dreams must kill demons slaughtering hundreds of cops in the streets of New York City following the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.Is your book already published? Nope. I'm finishing up with my edits soon. I had the best editor I've ever worked with help me with my manuscript. She really was frickin' awesome.How long did it take you to write this book? I started it in May 2010. So that's 2.5 years. Geez, I'm slow. In my defense, Oculus is an incredibly intricate and complex book. I think readers who liked Slipstream will see that this book definitely raises the bar. Plus I feel that my climax is really awesome, and all my beta readers seem to be blown away by it too. That makes me feel confident, because I think endings are difficult to write.What other books in your genre would you compare it to? I have no idea. I'm not trying to be obtuse, because I'm well read. But I honestly have no idea. One beta-reader said it had a Harry Potter-esque feel to it because of the Cornell University setting and the sport element. But it's an adult book, darker than Slipstream, with graphic sex, extreme violence, murder, gore, and terrifying demons. I'm going to say, it would be a cross between Harry Potter and Hellraiser, if you can even imagine that.Which authors inspired you to write this book? Oh, all that I've read. Seriously, every book I finish is an inspiration to pen my own story.Tell us anything that might pique our interest in your book. I did a ton of research to make the places in New York featured in Oculus leap off the page. The book loops continuously on itself, referring back to earlier events, which is some of the things that I really enjoy about great books I've read. There are many, "Oh that was mentioned two chapters earlier and now it's important" moments. It's been cut and rewritten to the point that every character is necessary (and I have a lot of characters). Each one has a role to play. Each person pulls their own weight. It's gone through beta reads and two professional level edits even before sending it to the publisher. There are no unnecessary characters and events at this point. Jordan and Kathy's powers grow in unexpected and strange ways that I think will have people marveling at my unique "magic" system. I honestly think it's pretty clever, but I wrote it. Five people I would like to tag with this meme:
Huntress
Mina Lobo
P.T. Dilloway
Alex J. Cavanaugh
M.J. Fifield

Bonus Person: Elise Fallson 'cause I must know what she's writing and you should too.

Second Bonus Person: Matthew MacNish because I beta-read Warrior Monks, and I want him to talk about it.

Since I'm talking about my writing projects in this post, I wanted to thank all the supportive people who have purchased my book. I got my royalty statement from Double Dragon Publishing for sales thru June 30th, and it was much bigger than I ever expected (DDP by the way is really professional in case you are looking for a publisher). Then following that, I got a couple of amazing emails from readers who aren't bloggers (like actual readers who aren't authors and that's all that they want to be) who raved about my book to me. That just felt good. It made all the work that I put in seem worthwhile. I guess what I'm saying is that fan mail is really frickin' awesome. Plus, I had a person request a review copy of my book. That has never happened. I've always had to pester people "Can you review my book, pretty please with sugar on top?" This person just found me and asked for it. Maybe that's how real authors feel? I dunno. But maybe they don't have to go begging at doors asking people to post reviews of their book. Anyway, it just made me feel good for a brief moment in my day, and I hope that you get that feeling all the time with your own publishing endeavors.

Have a great Thursday. I will be featuring author J.L. Campbell as part of the Distraction Tour on Friday. I will resume blogging on Tuesday (I'm taking Labor Day off, as should you).

S.H.I.E.L.D. got greenlit and I just wet myself

S.H.I.E.L.D. stands for Strategic Hazard intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate. I've seen it in half a dozen Marvel films, represented mostly by Samuel "Mother F'ing" Jackson in the role of Nick Fury. And so have many of you.

Why am I bringing this up?

I just read online that ABC has ordered a pilot S.H.I.E.L.D. for an exploration of a live-action TV series helmed by Joss Whedon.

Um, I made$1.5 billion dollars. Wait for it.
I MADE $1.5 BILLION DOLLARS.
Whedon is the guy that just made 1.5 billion dollars off of one movie, "The Avengers." How do you suppose that conversation went?

"Guys and gals of ABC...umm, I just made...I dunno, $1.5 BILLION DOLLARS. Do you want in on some of that action? Cause...there's this series I wanna do and--"

ABC Execs:  "YES! WE'LL TAKE IT! WHERE DO WE SIGN? OMG I JUST SH*T MY PANTS. YES!!"

If you are a nerd and keep nerd gods in your home, pray that this series does not follow in the footsteps of (I dunno) practically EVERY TELEVISION SERIES JOSS WHEDON HAS PRODUCED?

Am I using too many caps?

Seriously, though. Let's hope that it follows in the footsteps of "Buffy" and "Angel" and not "Firefly" and "Dollhouse." I guess he's 50/50 and that may not be so bad afterall. I'd take those odds at craps. Please tell me you guys know what craps is? And no, it's not something you do on the can while playing "Words With Friends" on your iPad. Oh, I mentioned iPad...I'm having a SIRI moment.
Nick Fury hates hotspacho. So should you.Remember, on the night S.H.I.E.L.D. airs on ABC, it's "Date Night." Siri says so, and I do too.

So what did we learn here?  S.H.I.E.L.D. got greenlit, and I just wet myself. I hope that all the stars from the movies will make cameos. I wonder if Samuel L. is gonna play Nick Fury. That would be Mother F*cking AWESOME. <== see what I did thar?

It's a happy Wednesday oh nerdy peeps. Be sure to rub your stuffed wookie, click your heels together, and say, "There's no director like Joss Whedon. There's no director like Joss Whedon."
If this guy does a cameo, can you not see the potential here?
Come on, Chris Evans even gives straight men a man crush.

The Cool, the disturbing, and the vulgar of season five's finale of True Blood

Ever wonder how the oldest vampire in the world would die and what he'd say? Russell Edgington to Eric "Well, f*ck." Edgington was in the episode for less than five minutes. Like that joins some kind of Kate Beckinsale quota of flashing tit before title. I want to borrow a quote from Lafayette...
Kind of anticlimactic to kill the oldest vampire in the world like that, don't you think? However, "anticlimactic" does not describe Sunday's episode of True Blood. It was by far, the most satisfying episode of the season. I think it could have stood by itself, and HBO could have just canceled all the others. For one, this episode had a HUGE body count. It reminded me of "Body Count" by Ice-T.

The Cool Stuff:Eric killed Russell Edgington after an entire field of fairies pooling their magic couldn't even make him pause in his monologue. You know it's bad when all the power you and your allies can muster won't stifle a monologue. But just like in the Incredibles, Russell got caught monologuing and Eric squished him.

Eric and Sookie were like Batman and Catwoman teaming up to face the bad guy. Salome got snuffed. She drank up the Jesus juice, only Bill spiked it with silver. How could you not see that one coming? And it wasn't the Jesus/Lilith juice anyway. Maybe it was just Kool-Aid.

Tons of people died. HBO cleared house AND it's about damned time. Jason Stackhouse took out like ten vamps. Eric killed ten. Tara killed about five. Eric's sister killed about ten. And in True Blood, when vamps die, they explode like water balloons filled with food coloring.
Jason Stackhouse as vamp slaying commando had me at "Fang banger!"Tara French-kissed Pam. Serious vamp on vamp, interracial, face sucking goin' on. *Throws confetti. Best line from Jessica, "I KNEW IT!" Yes you did, honey. Yes you did. But so did we. *yawn
You would never guess that Pam was a former hooker by the way she dresses.Bill became a naked vampire god. It isn't True Blood unless you are drenched in blood and running around naked. And his fangs were larger than Eric's. Yeah, you read that right. Vampires are size queens too.
Bill's fangs are bigger than Eric's. Sookie can verify that. She's been with both.Alcide killed the deranged wolf-pack master and got twice as many lines in one episode as he's had all season. However, he didn't kill the wolf pack master shirtless. I take away one point for this short-sightedness on HBO's part.
Roz is killed by Sam expanding in her head. That's the only thing about this entire season of shapeshifters that paid off.

The Disturbing Stuff:Sam Merlott doing reconnaissance as a house fly when he wasn't nude. It was ten minutes too long, which is probably precisely the amount of time they could have spent cutting all that out entirely. I guess they needed to wrap up the Emma storyline, not that there even was one to begin with.

Andy Belflour's pregnant fairy woman gave birth to four kids. Only birth sounds a lot like orgasms, there's lots of light emanating from "down there" and it apparently requires a lot of salt as she downed an entire container of Morton's. I guess fairies don't have to worry about their sodium levels.

My favorite lines from the birthing scene:

"My light broke."
"Who knew watching an alien giving birth could be so comforting?"
"Andy Belflour, you're a dick."

"I only slept with her twice in the time I've been dating you." At least
he's honest, ladies. Oh infidelity thou art a cruel mistress,
especially when the other woman is a fairy.
The Vulgar Stuff:
Jason and Eric hit it off like schoolhouse buddies.  Here's their exchange (NOTE that it's less effective unless you visualize Jason's lines said in a thick southern accent):

Jason: Fanger

Eric: Blood Bag

Jason: Leach

Eric: Breather

Jason: Dead F*ck

Eric: Meat sack.

Jason: "If I want to be a fool, I will be a fool. That's my God-given right as an American."

Ain't that the truth. Oh True Blood, I shall miss your craptasticness. Writers of the world who receive rejection after rejection, take heart from True Blood. Know that you are rejected because your writing is NOT THIS GOOD. Long live Sookie Stackhouse!

Have a great Tuesday. Ciao.

Please welcome the rockin' cover of Blood Fugue by E.J. Wesley

Author E.J. Wesley is throwing a blog party to celebrate the release of his new book cover and wants you to join in the fun. Jump over to his blog to learn about how you can win some awesome prizes, including $50 toward a cover of your own and advance reader copies of Blood Fugue.

Now here's the rockin' cover!
Cover work by Sketcher Girl, LLC
What's the Story About?

“Some folks treated the past like an old friend. The memories warmed them with fondness for what was, and hope for what was to come. Not me. When I thought of long ago, my insides curdled, and I was left feeling sour and wasted.”
Missouri's own E.J. Wesley
Jenny Schmidt is a young woman with old heartaches. A small town Texas girl with big city attitude, she just doesn’t fit in. Not that she has ever tried. She wears loneliness like a comfy sweatshirt. By the age of twenty-one, she was the last living member of her immediate family. Or so she thought…

“We found my ‘grandfather’ sitting at his dining room table. An entire scorched pot of coffee dangled from his shaky hand. His skin was the ashen gray shade of thunderclouds, not the rich mocha from the photo I’d seen. There were dark blue circles under each swollen red eye. A halo of white hair skirted his bald head, a crown of tangles and mats. Corpses had more life in them.”

Suddenly, instead of burying her history with the dead, Jenny is forced to confront the past. Armed only with an ancient family journal, her rifle, and an Apache tomahawk, she must save her grandfather’s life and embrace her dangerous heritage. Or be devoured by it.

BLOOD FUGUE by E.J. Wesley, is the first of the MOONSONGS books, a series of paranormal-action novelettes. At fewer than 13k words, BLOOD FUGUEis the perfect snack for adventurous readers who aren’t afraid of stories with bite. Available wherever fine eBooks are sold September 2012.

Join the Party! Here are some links you may want to check out.

The Open Vein, E.J.'s blog -

E.J. Wesley on the Twitter

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If you are feeling particularly supportive and happen to have a twitter account, please tweet this sample tweet or feel free to make one of your own:

Join the party! Author @EJWesley is previewing the cover to his story, Blood Fugue. Win an ARC & other stuff http://the-open-vein-ejwesley.blogspot.com/

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If you have the time, Brinda Berry interviewed me on her blog today. Check it out HERE. Have a happy Monday.