Jon Acuff's Blog, page 152

"Wait, what???" Bible verses.

Sometimes, if I am reading the Bible too quickly, I have a Wile E. Coyote moment. Often when chasing the Road Runner, Wile E. would get so focused on what he was doing that he would run 15 feet off a cliff without realizing it. Then he would pause in mid air, look at the camera, then at his feet and plummet.

I feel that way sometimes while reading the Bible. I'll get in a rhythm and start making progress. I'll be cruising through Genesis and Exodus, moving along at a good clip, flying by the material, until out of nowhere I'll pause, mid thought and say, "Wait, what???"

I'll go back a few verses and realize that I breezed past something outrageous that at first glance I took as commonplace. Recognizing my error I'll push pause, reread the verse and then fall off a theological cliff much like Wile E.

That's exactly what happened to me last Monday. I was reading Exodus 4 when God gives Moses his marching orders. Here is what verse 21 – 23 says:

The Lord said to Moses, "When you return to Egypt, see that you perform before Pharaoh all the wonders I have given you the power to do. But I will harden his heart so that he will not let the people go. Then say to Pharaoh, 'This is what the Lord says: Israel is my firstborn son, and I told you, "Let my son go, so he may worship me." But you refused to let him go; so I will kill your firstborn son.'"

God is giving Moses instructions. Dire, serious instructions, but thus far I am as pastors love to say, "tracking with him." I get what is happening, having discussed the Passover story and the plight of the Israelites a lot growing up. So, at Wile E. Coyote speed I continue to the next verse:

"At a lodging place on the way, the Lord met Moses and was about to kill him."

Wait, what??? In one verse, God is telling Mose what to do and in the next verse he's about to kill him. Not, "thinking about killing him," but "about to," as in "this is on like Donkey Kong."

I might be the only one who has had a "Wait, What???" Bible verse moment, but if you ever experience one, there are three things you should know:

1. Slow your flow.

It's not a race. If you catch yourself running over cliffs regularly, chances are you're speed reading the Bible. Slow down Vin Diesal. No need to get fast and/or furious through Exodus.

2. Version it out.

When I run off a cliff, I immediately check other versions of the Bible. NIV, ESV, KJV, ETC. My coworker recently told me he read that someone had "vanished right before their eyes." His version made it sound like Phillip had Scott Bakula'd right out of there. We checked multiple versions to figure out the text.

3. Enjoy the pause.

You can read the Bible 1 million times and pick up 1 millions different things. That's the beauty of the word of God. He's going to highlight and call out new things each time you crack it open. Don't think a "Wait, What????" verse is a bad thing. It might be exactly what you need to read.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever read the Bible and had a "Wait, What???" moment?

What verse gives you pause?

Hosting the Super Bowl at your church.

The Super Bowl is one of those "events" where I assume everyone is at an amazing party except for me. The closer we get to the game the more I suspect that somewhere, people will be having the kind of party that really only exists in stock photography. You know the scene: Popcorn bowl in mid air, people jumping off the couch in excitement, guys high fiving or chest bumping, adorable golden retriever barking in excitement.

That's what I think when I watch it from my couch. Where are our banners or 37 layer dips and college buddies named "Sully" that I should be watching this thing with? Have you ever thought that before? Probably not. I am weird.

But something that's really started to gain steam in the last few years, in addition to stock photography level Super Bowl parties, is churches hosting it. Not the actual game, although that would be awesome. I'm talking about churches hosting Super Bowl viewing parties. Churches will invite people from their communities to watch the game at "God's house."

I think that's a fun idea, but as my friend Destiny Herndon asked me last week, what do the churches that have Super Bowl parties do when a trashy commercial comes on?

I'm not talking about in studio commercials the announcers have to do when they pretend they're excited about a new sitcom on whatever channel is showing the game. "He's tall, she's tall, together they make up one crazy marriage. Tune in for brand new episodes of "Never 2 tall for love."

I'm talking about the GoDaddy's of the world or the lingerie bowl commercials. What can churches do when those ads come on? Here are three ideas I think they can implement next year:

1. Pray

Racy commercial comes on? A Kardashian pitching those weird shoes? Pray. Everyone will have their eyes closed so they won't see the commercials. And you'll get about 435 prayers said in a period of 3 hours because there are so many commercials. Bam! That is a win-win solution right there.

2. Tivo the game

Hold on, hear me out. Don't Tivo the whole game, just about 15 minutes of delay. That way, when something crazy comes on, whoever is in control of the massive remote for the projector can fast forward right through it. (The rapid fire fast forward move is something I perfected while watching the unedited version of the movie "Love Actually," with my in-laws which is very different on DVD than on TV.) You'll have to create a cone of silence to make sure no one calls or texts the score while you watch the game and ruins the 15 minute gap of course.

3. Rainstick

Every time a questionable commercial comes on, have the lady in your church who went on a mission trip and bought a rainstick start playing it. In addition to the sound of flowing rice or beads blocking out the commercial, you'll kind of have a relaxing, radio Delilah moment. Hiring Peter Cetera to add some Chicago hits to the mix is up to your discretion.

Hopefully, with 364 days to figure out this dilemma we'll all have some great ideas by the time the next Super Bowl rolls around.

Did your church host a Super Bowl party this year?

Where did you watch the game?

1 thing that radically improved dinner time at our house.

A few weeks ago, I said I was going to "bring dinner back." I challenged me and you and all of us, to be deliberate about eating dinner with our families. I wrote a post about it on the E-Mealz blog and included the one thing I learned in the first week. I also had a pretty good record. Think you beat me? Come see in the post and add a comment to let me know how you did. Click here to read the post.

What are you praying about?

Today's short Saturday question is simple. What are you praying about?

What's something kicking around in your head or heart right now?

I try to do this post once a season. Why? Because this site is read in 97% of the countries in the world and the readers of SCL have a steady stream of prayer needs and a huge willingness to pray for each other.

So what is something you'd love some prayer about today?

Bible Cozies.

(Curtis Honeycutt is so old school SCL that I think he was reading it before I even started writing it. I would just think thoughts about Christian satire and in Indianapolis he would would quietly laugh. But if you've read the site for a while to than you know he is a master at the guest post. Here's another great one that I loved. Enjoy!)

Bible Cozies

By Curtis Honeycutt

See what I just did? I relevanted Bible covers by calling them Bible cozies, and that's what I'm all about. A cozy is sometimes known as a warm feeling you get when you see a kitten lick a puppy's nose, but it's also a foam device used to keep beverages cold. And, no, they're not called "coozies". I'm pretty sure a coozy is one of Thomas Edison's failed patents, which was his idea to combine two of his favorite things: kazoos and snickerdoodle cookies.

For the kids out there who don't know what Bible cozies are, they're like phone cases for your Bible, which your parents read in book form. For those of you who don't know what books are—books are those things people used to check out at libraries—before libraries became free Blockbusters.

Yeah, sure, I know what many of the tech-savvy readers out there are mind-Tweeting: "But we all have Bibles on our phones." Yeah, well, this post is for the people who don't have a hover boards or use trash to power their time machines.

Technology aside, a surprising amount of Christians prefer the tried-and-true approach, toting their Bibles dutifully under their arms on Sunday mornings nestled inside Bible cozies (to save time and avoid confusion, I'm going to type "B.C." from now on). The B.C. was originally invented by St. Francis of Assisi around the year 1200 A.D. because he kept spilling coffee on his Bible; now B.C.s have their own section at Christian bookstores. If he could only see them now, he'd probably say something like, "Bookstore? Ha! That must only be for the richest lords in the land!"

There are a vast array of B.C.s out there, and you're going to want to make sure yours represents you well. Here are some examples:

Made of Metal

If your B.C. is made of metal, you probably have a man cave in your basement. You make Bear Grylls look like he's having a tea party. Covered in titanium, your Bible is now bulletproof and requires a 14 digit combination to unlock it. The made of metal B.C. doubles as a blunt weapon and can redirect laser fire (in case you find yourself in a James Bond situation).

Precious Moments

The Precious Moments B.C. is still hanging in there. It is usually the same consistency as a pillow (which helps during a long prayer during the early service) and has ruffles, not to mention the giant-eyed sad children (who to this day haunt my dreams). If you spot one of these with someone over the age of ten, tell them to grow up.

The B.C. B.C.

I was hoping that abbreviating Bible cozy with "B.C." would save me energy, but here I am explaining that a B.C. B.C. is a papier mache Bible cozy made by gluing your favorite B.C. comic strips together, forming a coffee spill-resistant exterior and providing a guaranteed chuckle when you most need it.

Leather

The leather Bible cozy says: "I don't mess around; an endangered, burgundy-hued cow died so I could carry my Bible by this reinforced handle." The leather Bible cozy wins the gold medal, as it is the most common style (although I wonder why I've never seen a white one with large black splotches).

The T.K.B.C.

This is a Bible cozy with a Thomas Kincade painting printed on it. It gets the silver medal for Bible cozies, but wins the gold in the "Most Lighthouses" category.

Duct Tape

A person who rocks the duct tape Bible cozy is resourceful, if not a little nerdy. If they also sport the duct tape wallet, neck tie, and pocket square, tell them that you will pray for them.

Those are the most common types of Bible cozies out there. Something is priceless about having a hard time turning those super-thin, silver-edged pages of a physical Bible (not to mention the maps at the end) that the app just can't replace. Which Bible cozies have you spotted at your church? Which ones would you like to see?

(For more great stuff from Curtis, check out his blog "Get compelled."

Getting prideful over the most obscure things.

You are not as prideful as me.

I know that by thinking you're more prideful than me, you think you've just become more prideful than me, but I assure you that what you think is not the case. (That sentence felt like it was from the Matrix and should have involved a rabbit and a red pill.)

You might think, "Well surely, the guy who writes posts that reveal how silly and prideful we get over stuff like judging people who use the table of contents in their Bible, is not prideful." But you're wrong. If anything, anytime I write a post about some stupid thing Christians are being judgmental about, it's only because I've done some research in my own heart.

I'm like the Pele of Pride. The Oprah of Overconfidence. The Bieber of Braggadocio.

And I was reminded of this status the other day when I felt myself get prideful about the most obscure detail of my life.

I was trying to look up a song online. So I decided to go to YouTube. When I typed in the "You," for the first time ever, the website that auto populated in the address bar was not YouTube. It was "YouVersion," the online Bible.

I've been doing a read through the Bible in one year plan and using YouVersion so it makes sense that happened. But what doesn't make sense is what happened next. Here's what I said to myself:

"Would you look at that? YouVersion came up instead of YouTube. You're pretty amazing you know that? All that Bible reading you're doing, really paying off. You're not out there watching videos of squirrels waterskiing or people getting hit in the crotch by wiffle balls. You're reading the Bible. And not just a little, you're reading the Bible so much that even Firefox took notice. Even Firefox can't deny how holy you are. Impressive."

I am not exaggerating. Well except for the part about not watching squirrel waterskiing videos. I am always up for those, if you have any.

But I thought I was pretty awesome when Firefox auto populated YouVersion. I got prideful over a handful of characters in an address bar.

Have you ever done something silly like that?

What's the most ridiculous thing you've got prideful over?

If you can't think of one, no problem. I understand. We can't all be the Pele of Pride.

#1 in 2010: The soft X.

(This post and the R word post were the two most popular posts from 2010. With a book deadline for me this week, I thought I'd push pause on writing a new Serious Wednesday and share the soft X again today. If you missed it the first time, I hope you like it. If you saw it the first time, I hope it still starts a conversation. Fresh SCL will return tomorrow.)

The soft X.

I cried in the Chicago Airport.

And these were not tough guy, lumberjack, I just punched a mountain lion in the face with my bare fist kind of tears. These were sad and tired and give up tears.

I was flying home from a conference in Chicago. I had been the closing keynote speaker and it had gone really well. That's not what I was crying about though. I was crying because of what I knew would happen when I landed.

I knew I would take the train to my car, grab work clothes, change in the handicapped stall and then disappear into a sea of cubicles. I didn't hate my job, not at all, it just wasn't what I felt called to do. The Stuff Christians Book wasn't out yet, but the site was doing well. I had this completely different life starting to develop and it was hard to go back to work and act like Chicago had all been just a dream.

This was long before the opportunity at Dave Ramsey. This was a doldrums period where I was just writing and writing and writing, but things weren't happening the way I thought they would.

I sat in meetings about TPS reports and budgets and would get frustrated with God, wondering if he even saw me. Wasn't he the one who put this burning in my heart? Wasn't it his call that I was answering? This wasn't how life was supposed to go.

Have you ever felt that way?

Has there ever been a situation where you had an expectation that you felt like God simply wasn't meeting? I think most of us have experienced that.

Right now, someone reading this blog is mourning a marriage that fell apart. You wanted to be the first in your family to have a grandkid for your parents, not the first to get divorced.

Right now, someone is in a gray cubicle and the degree they got, the passion they followed in college is a million miles away from how they spend 40+ hours every week.

Right now, there's someone struggling with an issue that refuses to release it's talons even though you're occasionally able to shake it for a few "good weeks."

Right now, someone had to send out wedding cancellation notes, because it's off.

Right now, there's a man who feels a lot less than a man because he doesn't have a job and can't provide for his family.

Right now there are a million different versions of "Don't you see me God?" happening. And so we doubt and get angry and lonely. But we are not the only ones with expectations that go astray.

In Genesis 48, the same thing happens to Joseph, of the double rainbow coat fame. He has brought his two sons to his father Israel for his blessing. We don't understand this culturally because we don't really do this anymore, but this was a critical, massive thing that was about to take place. Manasseh was about to receive Israel's blessing. That was what should happen. That was what Joseph expected.

Joseph the faithful. Joseph the former slave, former convict, former saved all of Egypt from death and destruction. Joseph had a great track record at this point. He was a deeply wise man of God. He knew what was about to happen. By lineage, by tradition, by faith, Manasseh was about to get blessed by Israel.

Only he doesn't.

It doesn't happen that way. Instead of doing what he should have done, Israel crosses his arms and forms an X, placing his hands on the heads of the wrong children. He blesses Ephraim, the wrong son in Joseph's mind.

And in 48:17 we see what happens: When Joseph saw his father placing his right hand on Ephraim's head he was displeased; so he took hold of his father's hand to move it from Ephraim's head to Manasseh's head.

Joseph has lived his entire life with one belief about how a blessing is passed down. This is his, "I got my Master's Degree in teaching, I should get a teaching job" moment. This is his, "People get married after college, that's what they do," moment. This is what he's always been ready for and it goes the exact opposite way.

So Joseph, like me or you trying to fix a mistake, says, "No, my father, this one is the firstborn; put your right hand on his head."

And how does Israel respond? Does he say, "Oh, I am failing of sight and made a mistake?" Does he reply, "Thank you for correcting this situation?"

No.

He says simply, "I know, my son, I know."

And that is an incredibly tender thing to say as someone's expectations crumble.

And I think it's something God still says to us, even today.

"I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you've always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know."

I think of this moment as the "soft x."

I think of the tenderness of Israel with his arms outstretched and crossed. I think of our desires and our dreams and the times they don't work. Because those times will come. God is not an ATM, bound by our whims. Christ promises us that in this world we will have trouble. But above all, when I think of that soft x I think of a God who wants to tell you he hears you, he loves, he knows you. He is not disconnected or disinterested in who you are and who you want to be. Today, he says,

"I know, my son, I know."

When Lil' Wayne defines the gospel.

Lil' Wayne, you rapscallion!

Out on bail, fresh out of jail, wait, that's Tupac. Those were his words. But it was Lil Wayne's words that knocked me over recently.

In an interview he did in Rolling Stone about being in jail, he summarized the gospel in a really beautiful, unexpected way. He also talked about how he dominated at UNO so much in jail that other inmates stopped inviting him to games. When he would catch them playing and ask why they didn't tell him about the game, they'd say, "Oh, we thought you were asleep." To which Lil' Wayne would respond, "Right – like you can't look in my cell and see I'm right there. We ain't got no doors!"

Lil' Wayne spent a lot of time playing UNO in jail. And when he wasn't throwing "Draw 4′s" he was apparently reading the entire Bible cover to cover for the first time.

When asked what he thought about it, he said:

"It was deep! I liked the parts where some character was once this, but he ended up becoming that. Like he'd be dissing Jesus, and then he ends up being a saint. That was cool."

What a great description of the gospel. "Some character was once this, but ended up becoming that." I was lost, but now I am found. I was once blind, but now I see.

Whenever I read stuff like that, whenever I hear celebrities describing brushes they've had with the Bible or God or the gospel, I always have the same reaction:

"Hey, I know that guy too!"

Like connecting the dots between mutual friends with a stranger, I feel like shouting, "That's my God you're talking about. I know that guy! You would love that guy if you got to know him. He's awesome!"

Naysayers will say, "Lil' Wayne's not a Christian." Or "A celebrity mentioning God shouldn't hold any different weight than your next to door neighbor mentioning God."

I'm not saying that.

I'm saying that I love it when God gets an unexpected shout out. And that I could crush Lil' Wayne at UNO.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever seen a celebrity mention God and felt like giving God a high five in excitement?

When Lil' Wanye defines the gospel.

Lil' Wayne, you rapscallion!

Out on bail, fresh out of jail, wait, that's Tupac. Those were his words. But it was Lil Wayne's words that knocked me over recently.

In an interview he did in Rolling Stone about being in jail, he summarized the gospel in a really beautiful, unexpected way. He also talked about how he dominated at UNO so much in jail that other inmates stopped inviting him to games. When he would catch them playing and ask why they didn't tell him about the game, they'd say, "Oh, we thought you were asleep." To which Lil' Wayne would respond, "Right – like you can't look in my cell and see I'm right there. We ain't got no doors!"

Lil' Wayne spent a lot of time playing UNO in jail. And when he wasn't throwing "Draw 4′s" he was apparently reading the entire Bible cover to cover for the first time.

When asked what he thought about it, he said:

"It was deep! I liked the parts where some character was once this, but he ended up becoming that. Like he'd be dissing Jesus, and then he ends up being a saint. That was cool."

What a great description of the gospel. "Some character was once this, but ended up becoming that." I was lost, but now I am found. I was once blind, but now I see.

Whenever I read stuff like that, whenever I hear celebrities describing brushes they've had with the Bible or God or the gospel, I always have the same reaction:

"Hey, I know that guy too!"

Like connecting the dots between mutual friends with a stranger, I feel like shouting, "That's my God you're talking about. I know that guy! You would love that guy if you got to know him. He's awesome!"

Naysayers will say, "Lil' Wayne's not a Christian." Or "A celebrity mentioning God shouldn't hold any different weight than your next to door neighbor mentioning God."

I'm not saying that.

I'm saying that I love it when God gets an unexpected shout out. And that I could crush Lil' Wayne at UNO.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever seen a celebrity mention God and felt like giving God a high five in excitement?

Proverbs 31 Wife – 3000 and 8 edition.

There are only three types of Bible verses read at Christian weddings.

1. Proverbs 31 – Which paints the Biblical picture of a wife.

2. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – Which paints the Biblical picture of love.

3. Obscure 2:1-5– Which paints the Biblical picture that your friends are "not going to go with the typical verses and instead picked a passage that no one in the history of mankind has ever read in a wedding."

I'm a fan of all three, but recently realized that there are a lot of things I love about my wife that are not mentioned in Proverbs 31. I thought it might be fun to remix Proverbs 31, or "Message it" if you will.

Here are 5 ways I would remix the "Wife of Noble Character" description:

1. She does not dress a dog in "ensembles."

I'm not sure if this is Biblical, but when Proverbs 31:24 says, "She makes linen garments and sells them," they should add "but does not weave matching ensembles that both she and her purse dog wear." Every time I see a dog wearing a sweater/sock/visor combo I hug my wife and tell her I love her.

2. She will tell you when your blog is whack.

A Proverbs 31, 3000 and 8 woman will not only read your blog, she'll tell you when something you wrote is horrible. I'd tweak Proverbs 31:11 to say, "Her husband has full confidence in her, because he knows she loves him enough to dive in front of the WordPress 'publish' button and prevent him from sharing nonsense with the Internet."

3. She will never let a brand fool you financially.

Proverbs 31:27 says, "She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness." At our house we'd add, "and does not eat chips from Walmart after realizing Santitas redesigned the bag, reducing the portion size from 13 ounces to 12 ounces without reducing the price." Who sees that stuff? My wife has skills! Manufacturers call that "value engineering." In order to make more money they just decrease the portion when no one is watching. Ohh, Jenny Acuff is watching Santitas. You too Costco, no longer giving cups for water and Macaroni Grill, removing the ice cream from the kid's meal and now charging separately for it. Jenny Acuff sees all.

4. She will wear heels even if it makes her taller than you.

And it does, in heels, my wife is taller than me. But I once heard a counselor say, "The one thing a husband wants to know is that he is enough. That his masculinity, the way he provides for the family, the security he gives is enough. The one thing a wife wants to know is that she is not 'too much.' That she can be as beautiful and as powerful and as you unique as God has called her without overpowering the relationship. That her husband is enough to handle her becoming everything she can become." Well, Jenny can become taller than me when she's in heels, but I love that she'll wear them anyway.

5. She won't let you be a jerk on Twitter.

Proverbs 31:23 says "Her husband is respected at the city gate …" I don't know if I'm respected at the city gate of Twitter, but if I am, it's only because my wife won't let me be a jerk with my tweets. She certainly doesn't see all of them, but she regularly saves me from saying something mean, stupid or both. I'm not saying you should talk about your shared Twitter commitment in premarital counseling, but I love the one we have.

What would you add to your own list of Proverb 31 traits?

If you're married what is something you as a wife do? As a husband, what do you appreciate about your wife?

If you're single, what do you hope is true of your marriage in the future?

Let's remix the Proverbs 31 woman.