Jon Acuff's Blog, page 133

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The tell.

"When your business manager marries a stripper, that's a tell."

I read that line in an article the other day about someone who had run a Ponzi scheme in New York. Though the money he stole paled in comparison to Bernie Madoff's $65 billion, what was remarkable was the number of celebrities and newscasters who fell for it.

Looking back on the whole situation, one former client said, "When your business manager marries a stripper, that's a tell." And it was.

A tell is one of those moments in poker where you unintentionally reveal your cards. Some form of body language or nervous tick or casual sentence gives you away, and everyone at the table knows exactly where you're going with what you're holding in your hand. In the case of the business manager in question, marrying a stripper was a tell.

He was 66. She was 34 and his fourth wife. He bought her $400,000 worth of jewelry and a $7.5 million triplex. As one of his clients, as someone who was trusting this business to make wise financial decisions, those kind of actions would have made me nervous.

But they didn't. Barely anyone noticed. For years, he got away with stealing millions and millions of dollars. Why?

Because most of us don't have strong relationships.

Surface, we are great at. Shallow, we excel at. Our Facebook friends number in the thousands, our networks expand larger than we could have ever imagined, but does anyone really know us?

I was forced to wrestle with that question when we moved from Atlanta to Nashville. I spoke briefly about this in my book Quitter, but, one day, a week before we left, my wife said, "Who are you going to miss in Atlanta? Which of your heart friends will you miss?" She had a laundry list. She could rattle off all of her close friends. I had a hard time thinking of any.

There were people I knew. My friends Jeff, Matt, Mark and Chris were all guys I hung out with and really liked. But the truth is that when Stuff Christians Like took off, I put any energy that wasn't going into my family and my day job into my blog. And my "brand" and my book and my etc.

And then on the edge of leaving Atlanta, I realized I really wouldn't be missed. I cared about people there and people cared about me, but because I had never really invested in friendships and relationships I didn't really have many.

Which is just about the opposite of what Jesus did. Do you ever think about what an ineffective communicator Jesus was? Think about it. He could have been speaking to 5,000 people every night. He could have been filling hills and shores and city squares constantly. Instead, he wasted his time at dinner with 12 people. Instead, he called individuals out of trees or chatted up one person at the well. And these weren't powerful, influential people who could have dramatically helped his cause with their networks. He wasn't connecting with "connectors." These were sinners, tax collectors and fishermen. That seems counterintuitive to really building a platform. Why did he do it?

Because I think he knew how important relationships are. I think he knew that if you build a platform and when you stand on it no one really knows you, you're alone. There might be a crowd of people around you, but if nobody knows you, that's the worst kind of loneliness there is. I think he knew the value of a friendship.

Friendships are ineffective. The ROI on relationship is pretty horrible. They can take years to develop. They might lead nowhere. They will definitely hurt you at some point. And you couldn't quantify them if you tried. But Christ sought them out. Christ knew what it meant to be known.

And in Nashville I'm learning that too.

I've only been here a year. But if I left tomorrow, I'd have a list of people who are my heart friends.

Why?

Because I know how important relationships are now.

Question:

If you moved tomorrow, which of your heart friends would you miss?

Saying goodbye to Vacation Bible School.

Last week, it was Harry Potter. This week, we close the curtain on Vacation Bible School. Across the country, if you listen closely, you can hear glue sticks being thrown away, flannelgraphs being re-closeted, and tired volunteers breathing a sigh of relief. But before it fades, before VBS 2011 marches off into the sunset like my once proud hopes of being a professional breakdancer, I think we need to say farewell to a few people and things:

Farewell:

1. The kid who bites.

There's always at least one biter at every VBS. His parents either think it's "an adorable part of his personality" or are deeply mortified.

2. The serial VBS attender.

Ahh, Vacation Babysitting School. There's always at least one kid who has been to 17 Vacation Bible Schools that summer and lets you know right off the bat "The last VBS I went to had way better snacks."

3. Bootleg cookies.

Speaking of snacks, no farewell list would be complete without a goodbye to VBS snacks. How do you tell if you're eating a VBS snack? Easy, it's named as a noun. The box will just say, "Cookies," or "Crackers," or "Pretzels." No adjectives, no brands.

4. The Glitterati

So long craft cartel, you underground construction paper posse, controlling the decorations in each classroom with an iron stapler. You might have won the VBS decorating wars this year, but next year, the battle resumes.

5. Grumpy volunteer.

I don't know how you get tricked into volunteering this year, probably got voluntold if I had to guess, but fight the good fight next year, friend. If you hate kids, crafts and sweet baby Jesus, sprain your ankle next year to get out of volunteering.

6. Father Abraham, who apparently had many sons.

What a jam. So simple. So powerful. So repetitive. I'll see you next year. You too "God's army" and "God told Noah there's going to be a floody, floody." I promise one day I'll deliver that VBS mixtape I'm working on.

7. Homemade playdoh

Oh you salty home-based alternative. So easy to make. So plentiful. And to be honest, though I usually don't like knock offs, you served us well this summer. Unlike the "Krayons," we bought in bulk.

8. Crazy theme.

It's getting harder and harder each year to come up with a fresh theme for VBS. I've got nothing but respect for the creative team that has to design those each year. I probably would have launched "MySpace is God'sSpace" this summer. That one was admittedly a few years late in coming. Maybe next summer I'd have, "God's Potter," a spin-off story about a young Israelite with a lightning bolt tattoo on his head.

9. The bouncy thing.

Goodbye bouncy thing. Jump jump. Moonwalk. Whatever your official name is, you will be missed.

10. Random animal someone brings in.

So long miniature donkey that someone in the church inexplicably owns. Though I appreciate the authentic, miniature element you added to our "What did Biblical times look like?" discussion, I did not appreciate you biting four people. Apparently, even tiny donkey bites hurt.

How about you, any farewells you'd like to send VBS away with?

Any goodbyes you need to get out from this summer or your own childhood of attending Vacation Bible School?

The Sunday Afternoon Nap.

Dear Sunday Afternoon Nap,

You are so beautiful.

I want to write you haikus.

I want to petition Yankee Candle to make you into a scented votive.

I want to get you one of those greeting cards that plays music when you open it.

Mine would play "Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh. Why? Cause at the end he whispers "I love you." And I do, Sunday Afternoon Nap, I do love you.

There you are, hidden at the end of the week. Waiting on the last day before work begins anew. Calling softly, "Take a nap. Turn off your iPhone. Unplug one last time before the tide of the week rushes back in."

But I ignore you all too often. I fill my days with activities and think of naps as wasteful. I watch cheesy movies on TNT, unable to break the power of such films as The Chronicles of Riddick, once I've watched 13 seconds. I can't escape the couch if there's a Vin Diesel movie on. Or, I run errands. I catch up on emails. I fill my Sundays so full that I miss you.

Occasionally though, you sneak back up on me. I get a summer cold, the most annoying coughs of all, and I am forced to take a nap. And then I'm back in your wonderland. Reunited in sleeptastic bliss.

Why do I ever forget how awesome you are Sunday Afternoon Nap?

God tried to tell us. All those years ago when he spoke about the importance of the Sabbath. It's one of the ten commandments! Maybe the Sunday nap isn't technically mentioned in the Bible, but I guarantee I could find it in the Message version. There's got to be at least one reference to the "land of nod" somewhere in the Bible.

He warned us. He pleaded with us to rest. In Isaiah 30, we're told: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." It's so true, I usually have none of it.

I'm going to change though. I promise. I'm going to work on our relationship. I'm going to be a new man with a new plan and a pillow.

Forever yours in slumber,

Jon

Can our generation end poverty?

A few years ago on this blog, I told you what my daughter L.E. said the first time she saw a photo of a starving child in a book about weather and famines:

"That's not real though. That's pretend, right?"

She reacted that way because a 5 year old who has grown up eating three meals a day her entire life can't fathom that other 5 year olds don't. That conversation set a lot of things in motion for me. And one of them was the idea of making poverty "unreal." Could I, could we, could the planet one day make poverty and starvation unreal. "Pretend," like L.E. mentioned.

Fast forward a few years and a friend of mine connected me to a group called Live 58 that wanted to sponsor Stuff Christians Like. Their message was one that really challenged my concept of making poverty unreal.

They believe our generation can end extreme poverty. That's a bold statement, but then they shared a statistic with me:

"Extreme poverty is ending. In just 25 years the 
percentage of people living in extreme poverty has been cut in half. (52% to 26%)"

That is crazy to me. I honestly had no idea.

So then I watched their trailer and checked out their facebook page:

And they put forth a pretty compelling argument in the trailer and the full film on their site.

So today, I thought it might be good to do a 1-question brainstorm in the comments of this post about this topic.

Here it is:

"What do you think it would take to end extreme poverty?"

Praying for Your Future Spouse

(It's guest post Friday! Here's one from SCL favorite John Crist.  He is a brilliant writer and standup comedian.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how.)

Praying for Your Future Spouse – by John Crist

My dad was always trying to prepare me for life. He was always trying to teach me skills I would need to survive in the real world.

"John, help me carry this washer up the stairs!"

"Dad, I'm six!"

I remember one time when my dad was out in the garage working on the car. He yelled, "John! Go get the Phillips!" I came back with the neighbors.

God bless him. My dad did his best to train me how to survive in the 21st century. Little did he know that no one actually uses tools anymore. If he wanted to teach me some valuable life skills, he should have taught me how to use twitter hashtags or something.

Somewhere along the line, my dad taught me to pray for my future spouse. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was praying for my future wife before I even liked girls. "God, I pray that my future wife will hopefully not be interested in kissing." My, how things have changed.

I've prayed many a prayer for my future wife, and I've learned some things along the way. Jesus taught us how to pray in the Bible, and here's how not to pray.

Regarding future spouse prayers, here are some things that are hard to ask for in Jesus' Name.

That she hasn't dated any of my friends, roommates, brothers or anyone from the cast of Jersey Shore.

I say this should be a fair request. Wait, that's not God's heart of unconditional love? Fine. Agree to disagree. But no fist pumps God, please.

That she follows the Dave Ramsey plan.

If I ever walk up to a girl and say, "How YOU doing?" (insert Joey from Friends voice here), and she responds, "Better than I deserve," then my next question will be, "Will you marry me?"

That she has a nice butt.

Wait, we should be able to ask God for this right? No? That's superficial? Oh. What about a healthy habit of gym attendance? Still no? Ok.

That she remain sheltered, innocent, and pure while I spend my 20s making a disaster of my life.

Like I said, I'd like her to go to the gym, but not a gym where other guys can look at her of course. Just a private gym where she can workout, think about her future husband (me), wear a burka, and not be harassed by a guy in a cutoff Jagermeister shirt.

That she's never heard of Josh Harris.

Although I do subscribe to the ideas in his most recent book, I Kissed Dating Girls Who Live In My Apartment Complex Goodbye. Christian or not, that's actually pretty sound advice.

That her favorite song is Michael Jackson's "Will You Be There."

"God I know you have my best in mind. P.S. my best is actually 5'10″, Southern Baptist, Premillenialist, knows what a Jesus Juke is, wouldn't mind splitting a Totinos pizza, enjoys wearing heels for special occasions, wants 10 kids, and likes but doesn't love Rob Bell. Amen."

That she won't make me get a job.

"Baby, its gonna me and you living in my uncle's basement for a while. Me, you and Uncle Lenny…a cord of three strands is not easily broken."

God said we could ask for anything in His name right?

Does anyone else pray for his or her future spouse?

(John Crist loves Jesus and is a standup comic from Denver, Colorado. See his standup and church sketches at youtube.com/user/johnbcrist)

Bidding adieu to Harry Potter.

I'm not sure if you heard, but at midnight, the last Harry Potter movie comes out. (There have been a handful of advertisements and Gryffindor scarf purchases heralding this event.)

And as a Christian blogger, I have to confess:

I am sad to see it go.

Why?

Is it because I'm writing this post while wearing a lightning bolt temporary tattoo on my forehead? No.

Is it because I'd make a ridiculously awesome Tri-Wizard Champion and with the film series ending they won't ever hold open auditions again? No.

Is it because I've been to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando, enjoyed a Butterbeer, and am fearful that with the exit of the film the park will lose money, eventually close, get intentionally flooded and turned into a water park called "Magic Shamu World?" No.

I'm sad to see the last movie come and go because Harry Potter was such a fantastic blog topic.

Even as far back as 2008 I was writing about the book series ending. (Remember way back then? Before Hulu? Forever ago!)

And then I wrote about it again in July of 2010. Here's part of what I said:

Once upon a time, there was a wizard. Though his background was shrouded in mystery, there was little doubt he was the most powerful wizard in the land. He had a deadly enemy, but good friends, including a red headed guy he always hung out with. People that should have loved him, once instead made him spend his nights in a small, prison like room. He rode the backs of winged animals and had a bitter rival who hated him. Christians had an incredibly strong reaction to the books he was in, which were written in the United Kingdom. I am of course talking about …

Gandalf.

Ahhh, not only were there thousands of pages of Harry Potter books to write about but it was the perfect foil to the Lord of The Rings.

Then I wrote about it a third time. That topic kept giving and giving and giving. It was like the fountain of youth of blog topics. And I, was Ponce De Leon.

You got in on the action too, leaving some of the funniest comments ever on the Harry Potter posts. Here's my favorite response you wrote when I proclaimed Christians were happy the book series was ending:

"Ah yes, the horrors of literacy, creativity and imagination. Satan's trifecta."

But now, it's over. It all begins to end tonight. Sure, there will be spin offs. I heard Ron Weasley is going to get his own book called "Ron." It will be similar to when NBC had the show "Joey," in which Matt LeBlanc from Friends moved out to LA. Neville will probably come with him as a sidekick but it won't be the same.

And that I'm aware of, there's nothing to take its place. No big silly pop culture thing we can all protest or joke about. Twilight is coming to a close. Jersey Shore isn't worth it. Sure, the new Winnie the Pooh movie is trying to trick you into falling it love with it by using a Keane song in the trailer, but who wants to make a picket sign about that?

It's over.

I bid you adieu Harry Potter, you perfectly awesome blog topic.

Question:

Are you going to see the movie?

The god in our heads.

I don't threaten God often. I know that's surprising to you given how muscular I've been getting lately with all the working out and my increased acai berry consumption. (It really is a miracle berry and made me taller and balanced my checkbook while I slept.)

But despite the fast and slow twitch muscle increases I've been making lately, I don't make it a habit to tell God what he should do. I very rarely scribble down a plan, throw it in a prayer and threaten him if it doesn't come true. Buy shoes for mama cause she's about to meet Jesus? I do that ALL DAY. Threaten God? Not so much.

Recently though, I caught myself doing that and it all came to a head at our neighborhood pool.

We moved into a new neighborhood in April and it's like Norman Rockwell and Mayberry had a baby. (I don't know how that would work, but looking at this neighborhood it must have.) The first thing my wife said to me when she found the house we now live in was, "Hey, this neighborhood has their own Frisbie Golf Course, with baskets." Then she said a bunch of other stuff about the house. Bedrooms, bathrooms etc. Didn't matter. I looked at her and said, "You had me at Frisbie Golf. You had me at Frisbie Golf."

And that's only the tip of the iceberg. Our house backs up to a common area that's about the size of five football fields. Neighborhood kids gather outside and chase fireflies and memories together long into the lazy part of the day where dusk meets dark. Our kids can walk to school. During Christmas there's a house decorating contest. People are so in love with the neighborhood that we've met six couples who are on their second house. They lived in one house in the neighborhood and then moved to another. A few weeks ago we met someone who was on their fourth house. Clearly I don't like to exaggerate, I just don't cotton to that, but this place is like some sort of Belinda Carlisle heaven on earth.

Secretly inside, a thought has been brewing, but I didn't know how to say it until I heard someone else voice the same thing. I was at the neighborhood pool, which is of course awesome, and I met one of my neighbors. We shook hands, made small talk and then he asked me what I thought about living there. I told him essentially the previous paragraph of this post and he said,

"I know. This place is great. God is going to have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming."

I get that! I've been thinking that too. And it made me realize a few things:

1. The god in my head is a jerk.

The first thing I think he's going to do when I bump into something good is take it all away in some horrific call to somewhere else.

2. The god in my head calls me to things I'd hate.

He's not a god that lines up the unique way he created me with a unique calling. In fact he does just the opposite. He finds something I love and then acts me to do something I'd hate. He knows I love writing and hate math so soon he's going to make me teach Calculus.

3. The god in my head doesn't give good things, he removes them.

When I find myself in the middle of something good, my instinct is to wrap my arms around it and protect it from the god in my head, not thank him for it.

How did I get there?

How did I get so far away from who I feel like God tries to reveal himself as over and over in the Bible?

As I've said before, when God has a single moment to reveal himself to Moses in Exodus 33, what does he show him? Does he show him his might or his power or his anger? When he essentially says, "When you see me, this is what I want you to see," what does he show Moses? His goodness.

"I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence."

He reveals his goodness. God isn't a jerk. God is good.

And throughout the Bible, God doesn't call people to things they're not created for. He calls them to situations that awaken deep seated purpose and desires in people that God himself placed there before they were even born. Paul, the loud, bold, road tripping persecutor of Christians, is not called by God on the road to Damascus to become a quiet, shy, homebody theologian. He becomes a loud, bold, road tripping megaphone of hope.

God doesn't call us to things we're not designed to do.

Throughout the Bible, we also see a picture of God as someone who delights in giving. One of my favorite examples is Luke 11:11-13. Jesus says:

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

I love these verses because they're just blunt enough to break through my callused heart. Jesus uses such crazy examples! He doesn't say, "Which of you fathers if your son asks for an egg, will give him a piece of bread?" He says, "If he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?"

I think he uses two such wildly different things, an egg and a scorpion, because he knows we'll be tempted to create a jerk god in our head. A god who would give us the worst thing possible. A god who'd give a scorpion instead of an egg.

I don't know what the god in your head looks like.

But, I bet he's a jerk. I bet he wants you to be miserable. I bet he's got a suitcase full of scorpions with your name on it.

That's not God though. God loves goodness. God loves mercy, not sacrifice. God loves gift giving. God loves the sick. God loves the mess-ups.

And though it may feel hard to believe if you've spent years with a different god in your head, God loves you.

The Quitter Barnes & Noble Gazellextravaganza!

Last week, someone on Twitter told me they bought a bunch of copies of my new book Quitter at a bookstore. As a thank you, I signed a copy of my second book and put it in the mail.

That was a fun one off thing to do, and made me think, "What if I could do that for everyone?"

And thus, "The Quitter Barnes & Noble Gazellextravaganza."

If you buy two copies of Quitter at your local Barnes & Noble store and email me your address with a copy of your receipt, I'll mail you a free autographed copy of my book, "Gazelles, Baby Steps and 37 Other Things Dave Ramsey Taught Me about Debt."

If your Barnes & Noble is out, just order two more from the store, have them print out a copy of the order and email me that.

If you already bought two copies of Quitter at Barnes & Noble, send me your receipt and I'll hook you up.

Here's a jpg example of what the receipt will look like:

Let's do this until Friday, July 29th. If you buy 2 copies of Quitter at a Barnes & Noble store before midnight on July 29th and email me the receipt, I'll send you a free copy of my second book.

Thanks for helping me get Quitter in bookstores and helping me keep it there by supporting it.

Jon

Picking your favorite version of the Bible.

If you follow me on Twitter, then you know that I was out of town last week. My family went on an epic adventure that found us driving from Nashville, TN to Blowing Rock, NC and then eventually Tybee Island, GA.

Along the way, we drove by something I'd never seen before. I'm not talking about "the world's largest fireworks store." I've seen roughly 26 of those, every fireworks store is the world's largest. Nope, this was something I saw on a church sign.

And I took a picture to show you. Here it is:

When I saw it, here are the thoughts that went through my head:

1. Whoa, all these years, I've been living under the belief that "NIV" stands for "New International Version."

2. They really hate the NIV Bible.

3. Maybe they don't hate that version of the Bible. Maybe they hate things that are "International." Does that mean they hate IHOP, the "International" House of Pancakes?

4. If they do, I bet they're staunch Waffle House supporters. And supporters of the KJV.

5. Imagine if there was a Waffle House King James Version Bible, the WHKJV? If they ever released that, I'd get mine scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped and topped. Probably even throw in "country" on mine which most people don't even know about. (That means sausage gravy for you folks who didn't grow up in the South like me. South Massachusetts, that is.)

6. Did I really make my family turn around while driving on vacation so that I could take a photo of a church sign? Yes, yes I did.

7. There are dozens of versions of the Bible and these folks didn't say which one they loved, just which one they didn't like. What if you're a visitor, you see that sign and think, "Hooray, those folks don't get down with the NIV either!" You march in on your first Sunday morning, shout out "KJV in the house!" thinking you've finally found some KJV brethren and it turns out they're a church that loves the Douay–Rheims 1899 edition? That would be awkward.

8. If they put this message on their sign this week, what are they going to put up next week? Maybe, "Come with a crock pot or don't come at all." Or "Hymns are for Him, Worship Songs are Worship Wrong."

9. What if this is just one grumpy person putting up these signs and the pastor is going to drive by and think, "Oh good grief!" I bet they'll take away that person's keys to the letter closet.

As I worked through these many, many deep thoughts, I realized there was one I left out. I prefer the NIV 1984 version. I never got on board with the TNIV. I didn't make the jump. I might not make a sign for my front yard that says, "TNIV Totally Non-Inspired Version," but I still get a little hung up about thinking 1984 is the best version.

How about you, what version of the Bible do prefer?