Jon Acuff's Blog, page 133

Can our generation end poverty?

A few years ago on this blog, I told you what my daughter L.E. said the first time she saw a photo of a starving child in a book about weather and famines:

"That's not real though. That's pretend, right?"

She reacted that way because a 5 year old who has grown up eating three meals a day her entire life can't fathom that other 5 year olds don't. That conversation set a lot of things in motion for me. And one of them was the idea of making poverty "unreal." Could I, could we, could the planet one day make poverty and starvation unreal. "Pretend," like L.E. mentioned.

Fast forward a few years and a friend of mine connected me to a group called Live 58 that wanted to sponsor Stuff Christians Like. Their message was one that really challenged my concept of making poverty unreal.

They believe our generation can end extreme poverty. That's a bold statement, but then they shared a statistic with me:

"Extreme poverty is ending. In just 25 years the 
percentage of people living in extreme poverty has been cut in half. (52% to 26%)"

That is crazy to me. I honestly had no idea.

So then I watched their trailer and checked out their facebook page:

And they put forth a pretty compelling argument in the trailer and the full film on their site.

So today, I thought it might be good to do a 1-question brainstorm in the comments of this post about this topic.

Here it is:

"What do you think it would take to end extreme poverty?"

Praying for Your Future Spouse

(It's guest post Friday! Here's one from SCL favorite John Crist.  He is a brilliant writer and standup comedian.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how.)

Praying for Your Future Spouse – by John Crist

My dad was always trying to prepare me for life. He was always trying to teach me skills I would need to survive in the real world.

"John, help me carry this washer up the stairs!"

"Dad, I'm six!"

I remember one time when my dad was out in the garage working on the car. He yelled, "John! Go get the Phillips!" I came back with the neighbors.

God bless him. My dad did his best to train me how to survive in the 21st century. Little did he know that no one actually uses tools anymore. If he wanted to teach me some valuable life skills, he should have taught me how to use twitter hashtags or something.

Somewhere along the line, my dad taught me to pray for my future spouse. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was praying for my future wife before I even liked girls. "God, I pray that my future wife will hopefully not be interested in kissing." My, how things have changed.

I've prayed many a prayer for my future wife, and I've learned some things along the way. Jesus taught us how to pray in the Bible, and here's how not to pray.

Regarding future spouse prayers, here are some things that are hard to ask for in Jesus' Name.

That she hasn't dated any of my friends, roommates, brothers or anyone from the cast of Jersey Shore.

I say this should be a fair request. Wait, that's not God's heart of unconditional love? Fine. Agree to disagree. But no fist pumps God, please.

That she follows the Dave Ramsey plan.

If I ever walk up to a girl and say, "How YOU doing?" (insert Joey from Friends voice here), and she responds, "Better than I deserve," then my next question will be, "Will you marry me?"

That she has a nice butt.

Wait, we should be able to ask God for this right? No? That's superficial? Oh. What about a healthy habit of gym attendance? Still no? Ok.

That she remain sheltered, innocent, and pure while I spend my 20s making a disaster of my life.

Like I said, I'd like her to go to the gym, but not a gym where other guys can look at her of course. Just a private gym where she can workout, think about her future husband (me), wear a burka, and not be harassed by a guy in a cutoff Jagermeister shirt.

That she's never heard of Josh Harris.

Although I do subscribe to the ideas in his most recent book, I Kissed Dating Girls Who Live In My Apartment Complex Goodbye. Christian or not, that's actually pretty sound advice.

That her favorite song is Michael Jackson's "Will You Be There."

"God I know you have my best in mind. P.S. my best is actually 5'10″, Southern Baptist, Premillenialist, knows what a Jesus Juke is, wouldn't mind splitting a Totinos pizza, enjoys wearing heels for special occasions, wants 10 kids, and likes but doesn't love Rob Bell. Amen."

That she won't make me get a job.

"Baby, its gonna me and you living in my uncle's basement for a while. Me, you and Uncle Lenny…a cord of three strands is not easily broken."

God said we could ask for anything in His name right?

Does anyone else pray for his or her future spouse?

(John Crist loves Jesus and is a standup comic from Denver, Colorado. See his standup and church sketches at youtube.com/user/johnbcrist)

Bidding adieu to Harry Potter.

I'm not sure if you heard, but at midnight, the last Harry Potter movie comes out. (There have been a handful of advertisements and Gryffindor scarf purchases heralding this event.)

And as a Christian blogger, I have to confess:

I am sad to see it go.

Why?

Is it because I'm writing this post while wearing a lightning bolt temporary tattoo on my forehead? No.

Is it because I'd make a ridiculously awesome Tri-Wizard Champion and with the film series ending they won't ever hold open auditions again? No.

Is it because I've been to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando, enjoyed a Butterbeer, and am fearful that with the exit of the film the park will lose money, eventually close, get intentionally flooded and turned into a water park called "Magic Shamu World?" No.

I'm sad to see the last movie come and go because Harry Potter was such a fantastic blog topic.

Even as far back as 2008 I was writing about the book series ending. (Remember way back then? Before Hulu? Forever ago!)

And then I wrote about it again in July of 2010. Here's part of what I said:

Once upon a time, there was a wizard. Though his background was shrouded in mystery, there was little doubt he was the most powerful wizard in the land. He had a deadly enemy, but good friends, including a red headed guy he always hung out with. People that should have loved him, once instead made him spend his nights in a small, prison like room. He rode the backs of winged animals and had a bitter rival who hated him. Christians had an incredibly strong reaction to the books he was in, which were written in the United Kingdom. I am of course talking about …

Gandalf.

Ahhh, not only were there thousands of pages of Harry Potter books to write about but it was the perfect foil to the Lord of The Rings.

Then I wrote about it a third time. That topic kept giving and giving and giving. It was like the fountain of youth of blog topics. And I, was Ponce De Leon.

You got in on the action too, leaving some of the funniest comments ever on the Harry Potter posts. Here's my favorite response you wrote when I proclaimed Christians were happy the book series was ending:

"Ah yes, the horrors of literacy, creativity and imagination. Satan's trifecta."

But now, it's over. It all begins to end tonight. Sure, there will be spin offs. I heard Ron Weasley is going to get his own book called "Ron." It will be similar to when NBC had the show "Joey," in which Matt LeBlanc from Friends moved out to LA. Neville will probably come with him as a sidekick but it won't be the same.

And that I'm aware of, there's nothing to take its place. No big silly pop culture thing we can all protest or joke about. Twilight is coming to a close. Jersey Shore isn't worth it. Sure, the new Winnie the Pooh movie is trying to trick you into falling it love with it by using a Keane song in the trailer, but who wants to make a picket sign about that?

It's over.

I bid you adieu Harry Potter, you perfectly awesome blog topic.

Question:

Are you going to see the movie?

The god in our heads.

I don't threaten God often. I know that's surprising to you given how muscular I've been getting lately with all the working out and my increased acai berry consumption. (It really is a miracle berry and made me taller and balanced my checkbook while I slept.)

But despite the fast and slow twitch muscle increases I've been making lately, I don't make it a habit to tell God what he should do. I very rarely scribble down a plan, throw it in a prayer and threaten him if it doesn't come true. Buy shoes for mama cause she's about to meet Jesus? I do that ALL DAY. Threaten God? Not so much.

Recently though, I caught myself doing that and it all came to a head at our neighborhood pool.

We moved into a new neighborhood in April and it's like Norman Rockwell and Mayberry had a baby. (I don't know how that would work, but looking at this neighborhood it must have.) The first thing my wife said to me when she found the house we now live in was, "Hey, this neighborhood has their own Frisbie Golf Course, with baskets." Then she said a bunch of other stuff about the house. Bedrooms, bathrooms etc. Didn't matter. I looked at her and said, "You had me at Frisbie Golf. You had me at Frisbie Golf."

And that's only the tip of the iceberg. Our house backs up to a common area that's about the size of five football fields. Neighborhood kids gather outside and chase fireflies and memories together long into the lazy part of the day where dusk meets dark. Our kids can walk to school. During Christmas there's a house decorating contest. People are so in love with the neighborhood that we've met six couples who are on their second house. They lived in one house in the neighborhood and then moved to another. A few weeks ago we met someone who was on their fourth house. Clearly I don't like to exaggerate, I just don't cotton to that, but this place is like some sort of Belinda Carlisle heaven on earth.

Secretly inside, a thought has been brewing, but I didn't know how to say it until I heard someone else voice the same thing. I was at the neighborhood pool, which is of course awesome, and I met one of my neighbors. We shook hands, made small talk and then he asked me what I thought about living there. I told him essentially the previous paragraph of this post and he said,

"I know. This place is great. God is going to have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming."

I get that! I've been thinking that too. And it made me realize a few things:

1. The god in my head is a jerk.

The first thing I think he's going to do when I bump into something good is take it all away in some horrific call to somewhere else.

2. The god in my head calls me to things I'd hate.

He's not a god that lines up the unique way he created me with a unique calling. In fact he does just the opposite. He finds something I love and then acts me to do something I'd hate. He knows I love writing and hate math so soon he's going to make me teach Calculus.

3. The god in my head doesn't give good things, he removes them.

When I find myself in the middle of something good, my instinct is to wrap my arms around it and protect it from the god in my head, not thank him for it.

How did I get there?

How did I get so far away from who I feel like God tries to reveal himself as over and over in the Bible?

As I've said before, when God has a single moment to reveal himself to Moses in Exodus 33, what does he show him? Does he show him his might or his power or his anger? When he essentially says, "When you see me, this is what I want you to see," what does he show Moses? His goodness.

"I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence."

He reveals his goodness. God isn't a jerk. God is good.

And throughout the Bible, God doesn't call people to things they're not created for. He calls them to situations that awaken deep seated purpose and desires in people that God himself placed there before they were even born. Paul, the loud, bold, road tripping persecutor of Christians, is not called by God on the road to Damascus to become a quiet, shy, homebody theologian. He becomes a loud, bold, road tripping megaphone of hope.

God doesn't call us to things we're not designed to do.

Throughout the Bible, we also see a picture of God as someone who delights in giving. One of my favorite examples is Luke 11:11-13. Jesus says:

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

I love these verses because they're just blunt enough to break through my callused heart. Jesus uses such crazy examples! He doesn't say, "Which of you fathers if your son asks for an egg, will give him a piece of bread?" He says, "If he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?"

I think he uses two such wildly different things, an egg and a scorpion, because he knows we'll be tempted to create a jerk god in our head. A god who would give us the worst thing possible. A god who'd give a scorpion instead of an egg.

I don't know what the god in your head looks like.

But, I bet he's a jerk. I bet he wants you to be miserable. I bet he's got a suitcase full of scorpions with your name on it.

That's not God though. God loves goodness. God loves mercy, not sacrifice. God loves gift giving. God loves the sick. God loves the mess-ups.

And though it may feel hard to believe if you've spent years with a different god in your head, God loves you.

The Quitter Barnes & Noble Gazellextravaganza!

Last week, someone on Twitter told me they bought a bunch of copies of my new book Quitter at a bookstore. As a thank you, I signed a copy of my second book and put it in the mail.

That was a fun one off thing to do, and made me think, "What if I could do that for everyone?"

And thus, "The Quitter Barnes & Noble Gazellextravaganza."

If you buy two copies of Quitter at your local Barnes & Noble store and email me your address with a copy of your receipt, I'll mail you a free autographed copy of my book, "Gazelles, Baby Steps and 37 Other Things Dave Ramsey Taught Me about Debt."

If your Barnes & Noble is out, just order two more from the store, have them print out a copy of the order and email me that.

If you already bought two copies of Quitter at Barnes & Noble, send me your receipt and I'll hook you up.

Here's a jpg example of what the receipt will look like:

Let's do this until Friday, July 29th. If you buy 2 copies of Quitter at a Barnes & Noble store before midnight on July 29th and email me the receipt, I'll send you a free copy of my second book.

Thanks for helping me get Quitter in bookstores and helping me keep it there by supporting it.

Jon

Picking your favorite version of the Bible.

If you follow me on Twitter, then you know that I was out of town last week. My family went on an epic adventure that found us driving from Nashville, TN to Blowing Rock, NC and then eventually Tybee Island, GA.

Along the way, we drove by something I'd never seen before. I'm not talking about "the world's largest fireworks store." I've seen roughly 26 of those, every fireworks store is the world's largest. Nope, this was something I saw on a church sign.

And I took a picture to show you. Here it is:

When I saw it, here are the thoughts that went through my head:

1. Whoa, all these years, I've been living under the belief that "NIV" stands for "New International Version."

2. They really hate the NIV Bible.

3. Maybe they don't hate that version of the Bible. Maybe they hate things that are "International." Does that mean they hate IHOP, the "International" House of Pancakes?

4. If they do, I bet they're staunch Waffle House supporters. And supporters of the KJV.

5. Imagine if there was a Waffle House King James Version Bible, the WHKJV? If they ever released that, I'd get mine scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped and topped. Probably even throw in "country" on mine which most people don't even know about. (That means sausage gravy for you folks who didn't grow up in the South like me. South Massachusetts, that is.)

6. Did I really make my family turn around while driving on vacation so that I could take a photo of a church sign? Yes, yes I did.

7. There are dozens of versions of the Bible and these folks didn't say which one they loved, just which one they didn't like. What if you're a visitor, you see that sign and think, "Hooray, those folks don't get down with the NIV either!" You march in on your first Sunday morning, shout out "KJV in the house!" thinking you've finally found some KJV brethren and it turns out they're a church that loves the Douay–Rheims 1899 edition? That would be awkward.

8. If they put this message on their sign this week, what are they going to put up next week? Maybe, "Come with a crock pot or don't come at all." Or "Hymns are for Him, Worship Songs are Worship Wrong."

9. What if this is just one grumpy person putting up these signs and the pastor is going to drive by and think, "Oh good grief!" I bet they'll take away that person's keys to the letter closet.

As I worked through these many, many deep thoughts, I realized there was one I left out. I prefer the NIV 1984 version. I never got on board with the TNIV. I didn't make the jump. I might not make a sign for my front yard that says, "TNIV Totally Non-Inspired Version," but I still get a little hung up about thinking 1984 is the best version.

How about you, what version of the Bible do prefer?

Saying "I'll ask God that when I'm in heaven."

I can probably build a better fort than you.

I'm not talking about a pillow fort. The average orangutan can throw one of those things together with enough couch pillows. I'm talking about in the woods, with sticks and leaves and acorns to throw at people. You don't throw acorns at people? You're missing out on half the fun of having a fort.

My daughters are entering "fort age," a season of life I just invented, so we're spending a lot of time outside. A few weeks ago, after a backyard adventure, we found a tick crawling on my youngest daughter's dress. I flicked it off, stabbed it with a stick, burned it with a match, and chopped its head off in a tiny French guillotine. Ticks are harder to kill than Jason from the Friday the 13th movies.

As I went through this elaborate routine, my friend Todd said, "I'm going to ask God about ticks when I'm in heaven." And he's right. That's one of those things you'll want some clarity on.

Why ticks? What's that about? What do they possibly offer the planet? Did Adam name them in the garden of Eden? Are ticks post-fall? They have to be. They are pure evil, right?

So many questions … that will have to wait until heaven.

Have you ever said that, "I'll ask God that when I'm in heaven?"

I have. In fact, I have a "heaven questions" list. Here are a few items I plan on clearing up once I'm flip kicking my Rob Roskopp Santa Cruz skateboard through the streets of gold. (That's how I'm getting around.)

1. Mosquitoes, why?

Again with the bugs, but every summer I think about this one. Why did God create mosquitoes? That I'm aware of there is nothing redeeming about the mosquito. It spreads malaria. It lives to drink your blood. There's not another species who eat it exclusively. If you told me, "Well Jon, without mosquitoes we wouldn't have the majestic 'mosquito-eating hummingbird' of Madagascar," I might understand. Or I'd be OK with them if, when they flew, their tiny mosquito wings made music. But they don't, and even their sound is annoying. I bet they're jerks too. Probably horrible tippers. So when I'm in heaven, I'm going to ask about mosquitoes.

2. Unicorns, where did they go?

When I was a kid, the Barnum and Bailey circus traveled the country with a "unicorn." I use quotes there so that you will read that word "unicorn" as "pale white goat with one horn." Doesn't that sound cuddly and My Little Ponyish? It wasn't. It was a little terrifying. But what if? What if they did miss the last call for the ark? And all these years, we've been stuck with a unicornless existence because, although they were blessed with beauty, the unicorn was horrible at keeping appointments? I'll clear that one up in heaven.

3. Calvinism, what's your take God?

Aren't you curious about this one? I am. That might actually be the first question I ask God when I get to heaven. What's his opinion? I have friends who are really divided on this topic. It will be nice to have that one settled once and for all.

Those are three of my "when I'm in heaven" questions.

How about you?

Got anything you're planning to ask God about when you're in heaven?

A better way to do mission trip fundraising.

On May 27, 2008, I posted a mission trip fundraising letter that people could use as a template. Here is how it started:

Dear _______,

I never write you letters.

That's a weird way to open a mission trip letter. My youth minister/pastor gave me a form letter to follow but that felt even weirder. The truth is that I don't write anyone letters and if I opened up this letter by pretending this is just the latest in a long chain of correspondence we've kept up oh these many years, that would feel as fake as when people run out of things to say and ask you questions like, "hot enough for you?"

On the downside, my letter rambled a bit, but on the plus side it did not include the "Pretend You Don't Care about the Money Line." You know the one, it's what I wrapped up a dozen fundraising letters with in the seventh grade:

"Whether or not you are able to support the trip, I would greatly appreciate your prayers."

Asking for money is awkward. It changes your intimacy level with someone. That's why even pastors do the tithing disclaimer when they preach about money, "I never normally talk about money…except today." And asking for money feels hard sometimes.

I wrote that post three years ago as a satirical way to say, "Is there a different way to do mission trip fundraising?" Despite the clear awesomeness of the solution I provided, after talking to Razoo about this sponsored post, I think they might have something better to offer you than I did.

Here's a quick look at what Razoo does:

Here are what I think are the coolest things you can do with Razoo:

1. Receive donations securely from your donors.

2. Keep track of each team member's progress.

3. Save time and headaches by eliminating all the paperwork.

4. Focus on the trip, not the fundraising of the trip.

Here's basically how you do it:

1. You set up a page.

Your team leader sets up a team page on Razoo. Then he/she invites other team members to set up their own personalized fundraising pages. You can easily add photos and videos to your page to tell the story of the trip. (It is very difficult to add a video to a traditional paper-based fundraising letter.)

2. You launch the promotion.

We live in a social media world. You're going to share your photos and your stories about the trip via Facebook, Twitter and blogs. Why wouldn't we use those same tools to raise money for the trip? That's why Razoo provides everything you need to promote your page. Each Razoo page is built to share on Facebook, Twitter, and email, making it easier for fundraisers like you to connect with your circle of family and friends.

3. You laugh at the paperwork you used to do.

That's not technically a step, but you'll probably still want to do it because Razoo handles all the annoying record-keeping you used to do. Razoo takes care of the tax-deductible receipts, sending a receipt to each donor's inbox immediately after they donate. They also hook you up with an Excel spreadsheet telling you where every dollar you raised came from and what page it came through.

If you've got mission trips coming up later this summer or fall or whenever, give Razoo a try. My attempt to fix the mission trip fundraising letter dilemma was inelegant and prone to result in $0 raised for you. Razoo, on the other hand, is a great solution.

Question:

Have you ever gone on a mission trip?

The 4 Types of Christian Newlyweds (and 1 bonus couple)

(It's guest post Friday! Here's one from Kyle Porter who writes a blog with his wife called Our Marriage Project.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how.)

The 4 Types of Christian Newlyweds (and 1 bonus couple) – By Kyle Porter

Hi my name is Kyle. I have a marriage blog where I (along with my wife) tell stories. We do our best to give people advice and tips on how to have a successful marriage or relationship. I've been married four months, and I have no idea what I'm talking about, so said advice should be taken with a bucket of salt. In my 120+ days of marriage, my wife and I have encountered some interesting couples, but none more interesting than these four (plus a bonus).

I'd like to designate these couples with some cool alliterative name like the "Fab Four" or my "Final Four," but since those are already taken, I decided to go with the much less alliterative but more specific, "Four Christian Newlywed Couples + 1 Borderline Christian Newlywed Couple You're Sure To Encounter In The Christian Community"

1. The Homeschooled Couple

As a fellow homeschooler myself, I can spot homeschooled couples at distances from which most people would be in need of a high-resolution telescope. I know what you're thinking: The easiest ways to spot them are the classic signs like: ankle-length dresses in any and all social settings, uncomfortable jokes about life without electricity, and his and hers "I heart my co-op" bracelets. But with homeschooling growing in popularity and it becoming a much more normal option, those signs don't work anymore. Instead, listen to see if they exchange love affirmations like, "I love you more than I loved my 7th grade Saxon math book" or "our wedding ceremony was so much more romantic than my faux high school graduation." You know, silly barbs like that. Difficulty to spot: 1 (1-10 scale)

2. The Irresistible Couple

With all due respect to Shane Claiborne and his revolution, this is the couple who scanned TOMS and fair trade coffee for their wedding registry. This couple may or may not have 1 collective job between both of them but definitely owns a $3,000+ point-and-shoot camera. Walk into any coffee shop in the U.S. that plays Jack Johnson or something more hippie and you're guaranteed to encounter this couple. This couple could talk for days about the amount of money they've donated to Kiva. This couple means well, they really do, but they're in a v-neck-and-v-neck battle for the easiest Christian newlywed couple to spot with the homeschooled couple. Difficulty to spot: 2 (Homeschooled couple wins because they usually make their own lye for household soap products, which is a dead giveaway when you have dinner at their house and have to use the restroom.)

3. The Wild At Heart Couple

We've all experienced the Wild at Heart couple. You might not have known it at the time, but you have. He leads 3 men's breakfast accountability groups. She texts with Karen Kingsbury and helps create content for future productions of "Every Woman's Battle." He and she both more than likely serve on the parking/children's/kids/middle school/ usher teams at church. Having 3+ mentor couples and 5+ couples they're mentoring is not unusual for this couple. This couple shattered the previous record scores for the E portion of their Myers-Briggs premarital testing. Difficulty to spot: 4

4. The Granola Couple

This Christian couple may or may not have been married in a barn next to a stream in northwestern Colorado. This couple's idea of a romantic honeymoon is repelling and bouldering their way up Mt. Kilimanjaro, followed by a quick snowboard run through the Swiss Alps on their way back to the States. This couple usually resides in one of the following cities: Boulder, CO | Portland, OR | Seattle, WA | San Francisco, CA. If this couple resides in a city outside of one of these, it is usually assumed that they are on a temporary non-granola sabbatical in which they participate in inane activities like showering, eating un-whole foods, and being within a 5-mile radius of Starbucks. This couple can be the hardest to spot because you may be enamored with their apparent sense of adventure. Don't be fooled. Difficulty to spot: 6

5. The Online Church Couple (bonus)

This is a fairly recent development in the Christian couple community, considering how new online church is. Meeting this couple feels shady, even if it isn't. Questions that may flood your mind when you meet the OCC: "Did you meet in a prayer chat room?" "Did you meet in person before the wedding?" "Did you get married in Second Life, or is this legitimate?" "Did you click a button that said 'I do' at your wedding, or did you actually say the words out loud?" This couple is one of the easiest to spot (if you can break into their fortress) because they hand out iPads at their front door for other couples to communicate with when they come over for dinner. Their idea of "game night" is syncing their home LAN and getting after it. This Christian couple makes up the smallest percentage of Christian couples but attributes the most to Christian stereotypes. They're like the relational version of the 20/80 tithe theory. Difficulty to spot: 3 (How can you spot them if they never leave their house?)

Those are the Christian couples we've spotted in our short time of marriage. What couples have you run into?

(For more awesome stuff from Kyle, check out his blog, Our Marriage Project)

Sneaking out of church early.

This isn't a post so much as it is a promise.

Nah, it's more of a threat. And here it is:

If I speak at your church, and I catch you leaving early during the closing prayer, I'm calling you out from stage.

There, I feel better already.

At some churches, it's pretty common for folks to want to sneak out early before the service ends. In the south, this happens because if you show up late to Sunday lunch at Shoney's, someone will stab you with a sharpened spoon over a piece of strawberry pie. If you go to a big church, this happens because you'll sit in church traffic for a while trying to get home. If you've got your kids in sports leagues, this happens because apparently the Lord's day is the only day they can schedule tournament games. (I was going to say "Sweet Baby Jesus' Day," but that felt like even too much fake guilt for me.)

And so, during the last prayer or song, it's common for people to duck out early. To get a little headstart on the crowd. When I've personally done it,  my thought was, "I don't need to hear the altar call. I'm already in. I'm saved. Time to bounce."

But a few weeks ago, I spoke at a church and noticed that people were jetting during the salvation prayer I was doing at the end. Now at this particular church, they have commitment cards you fill out, which basically gives the church a chance to follow up with you and reach out if you want to talk with someone. I was supposed to say, "put the commitment cards in the boxes by the exits." I did this for three services. But, by the fourth, I could no longer contain myself and instead said, "Please drop off your commitment cards in the boxes, which are right next to the people who are sneaking out early."

The church erupted in laughter. It was a fun moment. And that might happen if I speak at your church in the future.

How can you prevent getting called out by me?

1. Yell "Ambulance."

Maybe it's an emergency. Maybe you just got a call from someone at the hospital. Maybe Lassie slunk into service, pulled at your pants leg, and gave you the "Timmy's in the well, again," eyes. Who am I to call you out for that? So if you could just yell "Ambulance! Ambulance!" while you walked out, that would alert me that there was an emergency and save both of us some embarrassment.

2. Be a visitor.

Isn't calling someone out from stage a great way to let people know they are welcome at your church? Isn't that warm and friendly and ragamuffin gospelish of me? Of course not. If you're a visitor, I promise not to call you out, ever, for anything. If, on the other hand, you're going to read the title of this post, skip this paragraph, and then basically tell me "this is why people hate church" in the comments, you're getting a double call out. Like a double decker bus in London or a Double Stuf Oreo in the seventh grade.

3. Go fast.

If you're able to exit the service like a sleek jungle cat through palm fronds or a coyote sneaking up on a chicken (if you prefer Grand Canyon similes instead of Tropic of Capricorn similes,) I can respect that. When I open my eyes after praying and all I see is a dust outline of you, like in the Road Runner cartoons, I'll shake my head and simply say to myself, "Well played sir. Well played indeed."

There you go. Three perfectly legit ways to avoid a sneaking out early call out.

If you still sneak out and don't do one of the three things I've mentioned, well, I've got one thing to tell you:

"It is on like a taller-than-you'd-expect gorilla." (Nintendo trademarked, "On like Donkey Kong®." My hands are tied people.)

Question:

Have you ever ducked out of church early?